Honesty and Authenticity in Serious Emotional Problems Posted December 31, 2019 · Edited December 31, 2019 by crab12 There's a an inner conflict in you. You want to say something nasty back at your grandmother because she is being toxic but another part of you recognizes that you don't want to say something hurtful because it would degrade the relationship further. Both sides of you have a valid point. The thing to do if you have inner conflict is to explore both of your motives and try to come up with a solution that satisfies both sides of you (WIN-WIN essentially). Even though it's true that you have toxic beliefs because of the way she acts, realize that you can heal yourself from them, they don't have to be with you for the rest of your life. She acquired them from her parents, she's a victim of victims, and she lacked the awareness to change them herself. But you don't, you have the awareness to break the chain and not inherit this to your kids someday. You recognize that telling her "she is a miserable person and will die unhappy" is hurtful. But do you want to cause just hurt? Or do you want her to see that yelling at you or your brother is not okay? And eventually build a functional, non-toxic, good, respectful relationships in your family? It's incredibly difficult for people to understand criticism, especially when it has a hurtful or accusatory tone. So if you say to her "you is a miserable person and will die unhappy" she will get offended and feel hurt and angry. She's not going to see that what you are actually trying to tell her is "it is not okay with me that you yelled at my brother". Asserting for other people generally doesn't work too well. But you can say something like "when you yelled at my brother and told him to do XYZ I felt angry and annoyed because it felt disrespectful towards him". You can probably come up with a better sentence than me as you know the situation better. But the point is to accurately state what she did that crossed your or your brother's boundary and the negative emotions you felt. And to say it in a way that is not hostile, accusatory or blaming. Meaning you protect your boundary but do it in a non-aggressive way. This is how you slowly end the cycle of toxicity and build up a healthy relationship. edit: And if you do assert yourself in this way, then be prepared to listen to what your grandmother has to say. She will probably be hostile and blameful. Do not get sucked into an argument. Honestly try to understand her and repeat back to her how you understand her "you feel angry at my brother because you feel that he doesn't help you around the house and you have to do all the work and you feel unappreciated". Or whatever she is saying to you.