bensenbiz

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Posts posted by bensenbiz

  1. Posted

    1 minute ago, HypnoticMagician said:

    It is more deluded when you expand the use of psychedelics to the general population. It does more harm than good. Or, maybe, it is me who is missing something about the true value of psychedelics. Give me the reasons why you don't agree with me. Don't just say you don't agree. Can you provide some sufficiently plausible counter arguments?

    I think your perspective is a bit to shallow. Of course there a way more facets about this topic. just giving psychedelics to gneral population would do more harm, of course. because their baseline concioussnes is way to low. So they would need a fundament of basics, meditation etc. and at some point using psychedelics in a careful way could would help them in their spiritual journey. For all? I dont know ? For none ? I also dont know. Thats what I meant: its not black and white.

  3. Posted

    23 minutes ago, HypnoticMagician said:

    Yes, I tried. LSD, mushroom, DMT... By the way, the most harmless one between them is DMT even though you don't need even that either. You can make your body secrete the same hormones through more natural methods like sleeping in total darkness at right time or simply applying pressure to roof of the mouth with the tip of your tongue and then holding your breath at least one and half minutes. You'll reach a similar effect. That's very similar to the situation of people having lived near-death experience.

    Can you eloberate more on this technique with the tongue? (;

    to the topic: relativism , but if you want to point out that psychedelics are no short cut. I think most of the people here are mature enough to know that. Cheers

  5. Posted

    2 hours ago, tlowedajuicemayne said:

    A few weeks ago I posted about my recent LSD experience in which I had God realization for the first time. That experience was easily the most beautiful and life altering experience I've ever had, but it also traumatized me in ways that are difficult to describe. If you want to read it, you can find it on my profile. 

    I'm writing this post as a follow up because I keep hearing about how great psychedelics are and how amazing god realization is but I never really hear about the aftermath of those experiences. I think a lot of people believe that you can access these states of consciousness for free, without any consequence and that just isn't the case. This post is gonna be long so be prepared. But I wanted to tell my story about the 6 months following my God realization experience and how it changed me. I want to be as detailed as I can, so we'll begin immediately following the God realization as I lay on the floor of a bedroom in a large log cabin starring up at the ceiling in awe of what just took place.

    A feeling came over me as I laid on the floor that seemed to be saying that my life was about to get harder. I didn't know exactly what this meant but I accepted it without question.

    I spent the next full day seeing ordinary reality as God. I couldn't un-see it. 

    I was hanging out with my two best friends but when I looked at them I didn't see them as my friends, I saw them as God. They lost all sense of 'other-ness' from my POV. It was like watching two hand puppets pretend they were separate. Every word they said, every action they took was Holy. They didn't seem to notice their own divinity though and this didn't take away from their divinity, it amplified it. 

    I spent the day being very quiet. My friends would talk to me and I'd talk back but not in anything other than very short sentences and phrases. I wasn't speaking from the point of view of my normal sense of self. It felt as though I was speaking automatically, without any need to know what I would say next. There was very little to no sense of any control over my body and mind either. Though I was seeing out of my eyes, hearing through my ears, tasting my tongue, feeling my body, hearing my thoughts, etc...It didn't feel personal to me anymore. My gaze became wide and unfocused. Instead of looking at individual objects in a room, I was looking at the entire room as a whole. I loved everything and looked at all things as if it were a beautiful women. 

    We (my friends and I) eventually packed up and left the cabin and headed home. I remember sitting in the backseat of the car thinking to myself that I'll never be able to relate to my friends again. I had seen something that very few human beings had ever seen. How was I ever going to explain to anyone that ordinary reality is not what it appears to be, that it is God in disguise? and Who would I explain that to?

    When I got back to my hometown- I spent the majority of my time sitting on the couch looking at the wall. I wasn't interested in doing anything, going anywhere, saying anything etc. God realization slowly wore off and an immense doubt took its place. I looked at soda cans, walls, streets, tree's with a look of disbelief. As if I knew they were not what they appeared to be. It was as if all of reality was holding back a laugh while pretending to be something it wasn't. The soda can on the table, the plate of food, I saw it and said to myself- I'm not fooled by you. 

    I became deeply devotional and did everything with a high degree of consciousness. Every step I took, I took intentionally. I saw every action as a form of devotion to God. Washing the dishes, driving my car, ironing my clothes, all of it was imbued with a deep sense of religious meaning. An immense sense of responsibility came over me. I knew that I couldn't simply go back to being who I was before, I had seen God, now I had to live in such a way that was in accordance to that realization. 

    After a day or two of this- thoughts began to arise in my mind like "was that experience of God real?" "Is that the Truth?"

    My ego was beginning to reconstruct itself slowly but I could tell that there was still a large piece of it missing somehow.  I wasn't sure how but I knew something wasn't right. That feeling I got at the end of my trip echoed in my mind- Your life is about to get harder. But I still had no clue what that meant. 

    The Dark Night Begins-

    The following three months were horrible. I began experiencing physical pain in my chest, shoulders and arms. I thought I was having heart attacks but every time I went to the emergency room, they found nothing at all. Sometimes I would drive to the emergency room only for the pain to completely disappear as I walked in the door. On top of that, I had panic attacks every. single. day.

    In the moment, I wasn't sure what was happening but looking back on it now I'm able to see very clearly that my worldview was shattered so completely that I had no idea what was real anymore. One side of my mind knew that all was God, and the other side was convinced I was wrong about it all. I was constantly torn between the two sides. As I did my every day activities, I constantly wondered if I was devoting myself properly to the task at hand. I wanted to live in accordance to my realization but I couldn't. I fell short again and again and again. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't live up to what I had realized.

    I was incredibly unstable in my thoughts and emotions. It was like I was an infant who had just awakened in a fully grown adult body and was still getting the hang of all the mechanics. Even small, seemingly insignificant things would move me to tears or fill me with existential dread. It wasn't all bad though, my meditation was much deeper during this period. I was entering Jhanas with little to no effort and experiencing deep contemplation at times. No matter what happened though, I still felt as if a large part of my psyche had gone missing somehow. I couldn't put my finger on what was missing, but I knew I needed to resolve this. 

    My spiritual Teacher began giving me psychotherapy sessions to help me integrate. In these sessions, I remembered things about my childhood that I had forgot even happened. I also experienced physical pain in response to childhood memories which showed me that the pain I was going through was mostly psychological. Over a few weeks time, I realized alot about myself. I saw clearly that on some level I hated my parents, and I hated myself, and my life. I sat with those feelings of hatred amidst some of the deepest depressions I've ever faced. I've experienced depression before in my life, but these levels of depression were some of the deepest I've ever felt. I honestly had no idea that getting this depressed was even possible, but it was. 

    There were a few points where I thought about killing myself. I never would actually go through with it of course, but I was so deep in depression that I understood how people would end their lives early because of it. Without my spiritual practice and my Teacher, I probably would not have made it through these parts. 

    This particular healing process lasted three months. I was in total confusion most of the time, not knowing what the truth was or what was going on with me. I'd never experienced anything like this in my entire life. Every day my spiritual practice was tried and tested to the limits. I spent most of my days balled up crying or having panic attacks, being depressed and bedridden. I wanted this nightmare to end but I knew that the only way out was through so I spent as much of my time as possible facing my demons and owning up to my past. 

    After three months the physical and emotional pain began to let up. I had worked through some horrifying emotions and past traumas and I was finally able to start feeling normal again. I began to notice that the 'hole' in my psyche was nothing more than drywall (figuratively speaking). Behind that drywall was a lot of childhood trauma and pain that I'd stored away when I was a kid. I never saw myself as an angry kid, but it turns out I was quite angry as a child. I couldn't let it show because my dad was ruthless and overpowering, so I suppressed my anger and became overly compassionate to compensate. Once the feelings and emotions started calming down a bit more I began to feel normal again. 

    When I say 'normal' I don't mean normal in the sense that I was 'back' to my old self, but normal in the sense that I was someone totally new. I felt more integrated and complete as a person and I was more honest with myself about who I was and what I wanted out of my life. I felt like I'd regained my power over myself and my life. 

    The next three months leading up to the present day were more or less like the previous three but on a less intense level. I gradually continued to integrate my past, my pain, etc. and I continue to this day working through my past, my traumas and my other areas of spiritual growth. Every now and again I'd fall into a pit of despair but I knew now how to work with my pain and my fear so I would simply work through it and integrate the lessons. Daily zazen and regular meditation retreats helped to ground me in my 3D throughout this entire process and I'm grateful for that honestly, but ultimately I'm grateful for myself. Psychedelics threw me into a hole and I dug my way out of it on my own. Sure, I had my teacher to give advice and other people to talk to but ultimately I did everything myself and I came out way stronger because of it. 

    I realize now that the insights you gain through the use of psychedelic's aren't at all 'free'. You don't get to just go see God and then walk away from it unscathed and unchanged. Especially if you didn't earn it.

    Before this experience of God realization I sat zazen every single day for 6+ years. I've worked with a teacher closely, I moved to and live at a zen center and made sure my entire life was centered around practice. I've even had my own spiritual realizations  while on meditation retreats without any psychedelics and despite all of that I was still not prepared for God realization like I thought I was. I was not prepared for how real this spirituality shit is and honestly I don't think many human beings are either. 

    I remember watching Leo's videos  for many years and hearing him say things like- You won't understand this until you have had X amount of awakenings, or you can't attain this realization even if you meditate for years and years, etc... etc... and every time I would hear him talk about God, The Truth, Wisdom, etc...I always felt like he was taunting me, challenging me to go and have these experiences. I realize this was probably my projection onto Leo, not knocking Leo at all. But I always felt like he was having all the realizations I wanted to have and that somehow I was missing out. I wanted to have an awakening so I could finally experience what all the hype was about but it wasn't happening in my meditation and that led me into psychedelic's. 

    But I realize now that maybe...just maybe, the whole point of being here as an ignorant human being who doesn't know shit is to just be an ignorant human being who doesn't know shit. I spent so many years trying to enter these advanced levels of realization only to realize that the whole reason I wasn't experiencing them without psychedelics was because I wasn't actually ready for them. I mean...the sheer responsibility that comes behind a God realization is immense. Anybody who knows God knows what I mean. I didn't actually want that life like I thought I did back then. Even though I experienced God, I couldn't uphold that realization and live in accordance to it like Buddha, Jesus and many others had in the past. I just plain wasn't ready for that. Had I been really ready for God realization like I thought I was, it would have happened all on its own. Suddenly. Like it does for those few human beings who are actually ready for it. exa- Buddha, Christ, Dogen, etc...

    So that's my piece. I'm not shitting on anyone who wants to take psychedelics but I am saying that if you are using psychedelics and you haven't hit Gold yet, you haven't had that grand awakening experience you want so bad yet...stop and consider that you might be 1000% wrong about what it is you really want. 

    I want to end this post by putting a letter written by Carl Jung to a Catholic priest after the invention of LSD, this letter really speaks volumes IMO, Thanks for reading everyone. 

    It has indeed very curious effects— of which I know far too little. I don’t know either what its psychotherapeutic value with neurotic or psychotic patients is. I only know there is no point in wishing to know more of the collective unconscious than one gets through dreams and intuition. The more you know of it, the greater and heavier becomes our moral burden, because the unconscious contents transform themselves into your individual tasks and duties as soon as they begin to become conscious. Do you want to increase loneliness and misunderstanding? Do you want to find more and more complications and increasing re­sponsibilities? You get enough of it.

    If I once could say that I had done everything I know I had to do, then perhaps I should realize a legitimate need to take mescalin. But if I should take it now, I would not be sure at all that I had not taken it out of idle curiosity. I should hate the thought that I had touched on the sphere where the paint is made that colours the world, where the light is created that makes shine the splendour of the dawn, the lines and shapes of all form, the sound that fills the orbit, the thought that illuminates the darkness of the void. There are some poor impoverished creatures, perhaps, for whom mescalin would be a heaven-sent gift without a counterpoison, but I am profoundly mistrustful of the “pure gifts of the Gods.” You pay very dearly for them.

    This is not the point at all, to know of or about the unconscious, nor does the story end here; on the contrary it is how and where you begin the real quest. If you are too unconscious it is a great relief to know a bit of the collective unconscious. But it soon becomes dangerous to know more, because one does not learn at the same time how to balance it through a conscious equivalent. That is the mistake Aldous Huxley makes: he does not know that he is in the role of the “Zauberlehrling,” who learned from his master how to call the ghosts but did not know how to get rid of them again:

    It is really the mistake of our age: We think it is enough to discover new things, but we don’t realize that knowing more demands a cor­responding development of morality. Radioactive clouds over Japan, Calcutta, and Saskatchewan point to progressive poisoning of the uni­versal atmosphere.

    I should indeed be obliged to you if you could let me see the ma­terial they get with LSD. It is quite awful that the alienists have caught hold of a new poison to play with, without the faintest knowl­edge or feeling of responsibility. It is just as if a surgeon had never leaned further than to cut open his patient’s belly and to leave things there. When one gets to know unconscious contents one should know how to deal with them. I can only hope that the doctors will feed themselves thoroughly with mescalin, the alkaloid of divine grace, so that they learn for themselves its marvellous effect. You have not finished with the conscious side yet. Why should you expect more from the unconscious?

    For 35 years I have known enough of the col­lective unconscious and my whole effort is concentrated upon prepar­ing the ways and means to deal with it.”

    Firstly I have to say you have a very nice writing style. It literally felt like I am watching a movie.
    Secondly: Like you described it: I am highly curious about the truth but afraid of taking the responsibility. So it helps me a lot to hear your brutal true experience. It gives me the same effect like ivankiss'es lately Thread:

    So its amazing that you guys show me this side and prepare me for it.
    And yeah Leo never said that this was a joke. But its good to hear it from other members too.
    Also I felt a deep compassion for you. So I wish you all the best and much love.

     

     

  9. Posted

    When god is infinity? Why are we so focused to other human dreams and especially dreams that will suffer? 

    there could be infinite of possibilities? A dancing elf? Some alien who can not feel pain?, some cloud? Tons of stuff so why again human dream? We had the human dream once. I get it. I dont need another human dream even if its a more exciting life.. 

     

     

  10. Posted

    2 hours ago, Matthew85 said:

    @bensenbiz Interesting question. People in spiritual and metaphysical communities often develop belief's that being awake is better or superior. This is false and something to be mindful of. Exploring different degrees of being unconscious can be very interesting and enjoyable in many ways. The key is to fully enjoy every state of consciousness and derive the unique experiences available in it. So, would you undo your awakening? Well, that is what you are currently doing as a human. Why? To explore the endless diversity of experiences available and for the process of new discovery. 

    That was basically my underlying question: is being awake superior.
    Your respond is gold. It gave me a huge insight. Thanks.

  12. Posted

    4 minutes ago, Endangered-EGO said:

    @The0Self

    "I want to find that liberation, where is it?"

    "I just need one more pointer, one more awakening!"

    "How do I get liberation, what do I have to do to be free"

    "I want to know what it feels like not to know anything"

    "I just need to listen to one more podcast of someone telling me that this is already it"

    "How do I allow what is to be what is?"

    "What do I need to do, for everything to happen on it's own"?

    "How can I control absolute freedom, so that it serves me?"

     

    The ego-self is insane.

    May this insanity lead me to sanity. Wait.. iam already sane but acting like I am insane? 

  13. Posted

    8 minutes ago, The0Self said:

    But you can't really get back there, because it wasn't real anyway; you already weren't experiencing or believing what's real... Nor was there actually anyone there -- there's only ever simply what appears, with no separation between what appears. There's nothing that is magic, because everything is magic.

    Yeah this thing is way more radical. I can imagine it slightly but still for away from actualizing it in my daily life. Thanks (;

  17. Posted

    You guys are pretty honest and not flowering so much like the ramous gurus. This is especially something I like at Leos style. His bluntness (:

    so the question is: would you undo your awakening? and if so: why?

    ______

    my previous narcistic ass had somehow way more fun but I still wouldn‘t like to undo it as I feel I am closer to truth. But I am still not god realized. So there are quite empty moments in my life. 

     

  18. Posted

    13 minutes ago, BipolarGrowth said:

    You should approach aspects of this work with fear and anxiety. Modern enlightenment teachings take the “fear of God” out of things entirely which is not wise for those who are not ready to have their consciousness slammed against the anvil of God to beat out impurities. Notice that I’m pulling up shadow aspects of your psyche. You wouldn’t have this anxious feeling if it were not the case. 

    Its non sense to run around and trigger fear in people just to prepare them for god ;)

     

    i have the feeling you are ignoring our advices - its just for your best men. I have nothing more to say. Get well soon

  19. Posted

    be careful you are using so many words which makes sense in your world but are not so helpful in a exchange as for me they are quite new.

     

    look how leo tries to adapt the language that people who did not experienced deep awakenings still can understand it. As I dont see this awareness on your communication I have the feeling you r just concernd about your thing and that you crave for attention
     

    do you really think that people need a „negative“ reminder? Look I am not god realized but I take this road serious and with huge respect. When I see your videos or your writings: I feel bad and anxious about this work. And I dont want to approach this road with fear - I want to approach it with trust and love. But its not about me its just: your work is really not serving on my journey and I doubt that it will help anyone.  

  22. Posted

    Thats what I commented:

     

    I think people have a wrong image of enlightenment. With enlightenment there comes even more responsbility. More awareness = more responsibility. but the responsibility comes from a place of trust instead of a place of delusion. Nothing wrong with that. When you worked on your self so far that you builded your life around your life purpose and take responsibility for it. In short - enlightenment and responsibility goes hand in hand. This answer could be a bit more colorful instead of black and white.

  23. Posted

    after a long realationship I am single again and ready to date some girls.
    I am quite confident, able to talk a lot, entertain them, play around and make them laugh.
    They tell me that they have agreat time with me BUT I miss always the point
    to open up the sexual game part. I need help with some openers, or framing techniques
    to get this layer in to the conversation.

    I would also appreciate good books recommendations on that topic.