StarStruck

@Serotoninluv very similar history and experience with me. Almost identical. I will definitely try going into the forest. Luckily there is a big forest 10 minutes from where I live. Only downside is that there are a lot of tourists from other parts of the country. Coming face to face with people in the forest is more threatening than coming face to face in urban areas. I don’t want to be on LSD and come face to face with people in the forest. My face is very expressive and I will probably come self critical to myself to try to fit the mold by not appearing to be weird. I didn’t do much therapy. I did talked about the depth of the emotional and physical torture.. once or twice.. and people were just shocked. This gave me some sort of comfort, compression and acknowledgement because back at home this was never given to me. Currently I’m doing trauma release exercises and couple of weeks ago I got into a pain body of my inner child. I felt so angry that I hit somebody for crossing my personal boundaries. Doing things like boxing and so on can help with trauma release too. Since then I felt a lot more wholesome like the inner child that I neglected / gave up on protecting felt some joy. I think working through these problems will be my focus for the coming months. They are a clear obstacle for my enlightenment. I’m well aware that I’m in a half sleep state because I can’t be present in the now, there is always some fear, some unmet need, value scanning or feeling of not being loved / being unworthy. The book power of now is something I keep coming back to. Especially for people with traumatic pasts it offers a lot of value.

@Serotoninluv I don’t know your full story so I can’t judge. Probably many things like that happened in your childhood where your parents sub-communicated it is not safe to express your emotions or to be yourself. From the example you gave me I can say that my upbringing was 10x worse. It was both emotional and physical abuse for having the audacity to claim “my place” in the family. They wanted me to be a handbag instead of being person. And when I accepted that faith I still didn’t get peace. I don’t even open this topic to my parents. They don’t remember and I don’t have the need to get something out of it. They just projected their own problems onto me. This is what I realized in my last trip. Unfortunately I can remember abnormally a lot of tiny detail from my childhood, especially the one’s that scarred me. Today they want the best for me but they did **** me up. It could be worse though. I’m lucky that I’m in a first world country. Imagine being that traumatized and being in a third world country. There are a lot of them out there.

@Serotoninluv Talking about calling. I have a very strong calling to do Salvia but no way I’m doing that. Even mushrooms is very heavy for me. I’m just going to play around with LSD for now. I’m trying to be careful because of my past. I think I won’t do the heavy stuff until I get some emotional maturity. For now 200ug of LSD is perfect I think. I have gotten some micro doses under my belt but I need something that will knock me out. By the way I appreciate your feedback. I can resonate with what you said regarding relationships. I think being connected to one’s feelings is important with one’s life purpose too. It is all about emotional maturity. In my family it was not allowed to show emotions so I think, at least for me, it is an old survival mechanism that I need to drop. Can’t have passions without feelings/emotions, right?

This is not going to be the answer you were hoping for but here it is: become enlightened/present in the now and practice it daily.

@Serotoninluv I get what you are saying but that doesn’t make masculine / feminine energy disappear. Usually males and females are attracted when opposite ends of the energy field meet each other. I guess you are trying to say that I should be ok with both. I will have to work on that. Perhaps I’m a little bit autistic which is dominated by masculine energy by nature. Previous to psychedelics I almost didn’t have any emotions. Letting emotions take control is just a hard task for me. I would just rather have full control over it, which I can but the downside is that I feel like a robot without passion/motivation. I dissociated emotions and feelings for a very long time and that caused for a lot of trouble. I will need to look into that because I still don’t know how that works. Nowadays during my meditations I focus on creating a safe environment where it is ok to be swept over by emotions, fears, and so on.

I did this exercise or mental visualization couple of times. I did this during sex and I pretended I was her. I will try to do this more often.

It really depends on your family situation. Looking at the response from your dad, I would just go and take it easy on the trip. Perhaps just stay in the hotel. It is hard to change older people so don’t try it.

@Cykaaaa thanks for the video recommendation. By the way I tried OneNote but I liked Evernote more.

I always try not to put too much on my plate. And especially not to put more on my plate before finishing what is already on it.

I love female beauty too but not in a creepy way.. from how he writes you can clearly smell the creepiness/thristiness. The movie 40 year old virgin is a movie about this topic. Very good movie actually.

You sound you are not very successful with women. From far away honey looks like that.

How you talk to yourself is very important.

@reves you are right but I really want to trip one more time before laying LSD off for a while. I feel like LSD is much more softer and gentler than mushrooms/truffels. I think I didn’t even hit a breakthrough dose. It was too manageable. I have some self sabotaging behavior. A bit of laziness. And lack of oversight over my behavior within the frame work of my life as a whole. LSD helped me with these problems for a part. For now I’m going to integrate my lessons. Over two weeks take 200 ug or maybe a little less than that. After that lay it off at least for a month.

Yesterday I took about 20 ug of LSD. It costed only 7 euro for a full 100 ug patch so I was wary about the quality. Source of the product is well know but still. I did a test. It was ok. First 1,5 hour I didn’t feel anything. Emotions started to kick in. The feelings were about lack of action in my life. I just wanted to start working right there but I felt the wave coming so I put up some happy music to calm myself. The happy music started to irritate me because I wasn’t happy with myself. I put the music out and just started to look at the ceiling. I started to get cold too to the point of shivering. Put myself to bed. I didn’t have any intentions for this trip so I just did some deep meditation breathing. My mind started focusing on my life and started seeing patterns. I started receiving some life advice like creating a safe space in myself for my emotions, some thoughts about how to be a better guy to others and especially my family, about my bad habit of intellectualizing everything, some deep memories way back that I totally forgot about and other similar stuff. I didn’t get a deep trip and that wasn’t expected. At one point it did get uncomfortable but I handled it very well. I was in this state for 5 hours. Afterwards I went to the gym and that was great too. I noticed how my mood was different. I didn’t feel depressed and everything was effortless. Especially social interactions. Some acquaintance even said I had a different vibe. Anyway, all in all it was a pleasant experience. I’m planning to take 130 ug coming weekend or next week.

Yesterday I took 100 ug of LSD. Very similar experience. I didn’t expect tolerance to build up so fast or perhaps I knew what was coming and I prepared myself better. The trip started very politely but it was emotional once again, with this time some light visual distortions. About 1 hour in the LSD started kicking in. This time I just lay in bed. Afraid I would sleep I sat up from time to time. First the emotions started kicking in. I felt some collective pain in my family and in myself. My trips are always around this. I started feeling societal collective pain this time. I also made some notes about some contemplation about my own life. I became aware of the monkey mind and how it chases pleasure instead of becoming its true self. Some traumatic stuff started popping up. I made the mistake of looking on my social media on smartphone couple of times and I think that influenced my trip. This trip I discovered how important it is to free roam your mind. It brought me to some interesting places. After 6 hours of tripping I got an unexpected call and I had to leave which was very unfortunate. 2 hours later it wore off. I’m thinking about doing 200+ ug over one and half weeks or something, and then lay it off for a while so my tolerance decreases.

@Leo Gura that is what I meant. My English failed me. I wanted to say that I didn’t expect a trip on a micro-dose.

People who are social are not stuck in their head.

Vipassana breathing technique is a great technique to start with. breathing 6 seconds. hold for 2 seconds breath out for 6 seconds hold for 2 seconds

@MrDmitriiV Normal dose depends on the mushrooms/truffels type. 10 mg is minimal for a trip. 15 mg is the perfect dose on an empty stomach.

I didn’t plan this trip. As new year was approaching my inner voice was screaming to do a trip. Eventually gave in. I bought the goods. Prepared the setting, chewed the substance and there was no way going back My goal for this trip was to relax more. This is a huge problem I have. I went in prepared by putting up some calming music. None the less within 45 minutes I was in full panic mode. I was not hoping for a good trip because I felt the festering emotions in my unconscious but I didn’t expect this. I quickly at some oatmeal but that of course didn’t help. It was too late. I had no option than to face my emotions head on or overheat emotionally. It took about 5-10 minutes to calm myself down. I started feeling emotions. I started feeling alive. And I was glad because of it. I put on some deep meditation technique videos. I couldn’t concentrate. My sub conscious was too busy spewing out its poison. My sub conscious was telling me so much that I decided to make notes on my phone. Here are some: -I think the major emotional backlash in the beginning of the trip was to teach myself a lesson to be more in touch with my feelings, which I’m absolutely not. -these emotions also told me I have to be more careful with psychedelics: take smaller doses and build it up -my subconscious also told me that when I’m able to cry and feel emotions like fear (which I can’t without psychedelics), I will be able to solve all my problems, including addictions and procrastination. -For Some reason I understood that I’m like a magnet: I attract what I am. If I’m holding negative energy I’m more prone to do bad stuff. At this moment I realized why it is important to have a clean household. In the last few weeks I have become very tidy but there was some pants laying on the floor. I had to put that away to feel the good energy again. -I felt shame for not being my best self. I remembered how in the past people could just read off me that I’m a negative person by reading my micro expressions. I felt exposed and ashamed because I saw how especially women can sniff positivity/negativity and high/low confidence. (I can do the same because I educated myself in this topic but during this trip I saw it how women see it) -during this trip a huge urge to become a good person arose. I saw how we are all connected and that our time is limited on this planet. It was aimed at letting my childhood traumas go because those are just distractions to keep us busy until death knocks on the door. -I saw distractions in a very different light. Distractions are just tools of the devil to keep us busy so we don’t reach our higher selves. This struck a cord with me. Made me feel alive and this feeling stuck with me. -At this point I stood up and looked in the mirror. Because I was under the influence of psychedelics I was very painfully honest. I didn’t like what I saw. I told myself to just accept how I look. There are more than enough girls that like my look. No need for every girl to like you. It was a beautiful moment. -I went back to feeling energy. It was almost like a developed emotional tentacles feeling how dense or not dense a relationship and surrounding are. I’m not sure if this is a “special power” or just an attribute that socially capable people have. I felt the urge to fix other people’s relations but I stopped myself. Something told me I first need to fix myself. Trying to fix others is another distraction. Underlying assumption was that I believed I’m not worthy of love (and I know why). I had countless flashbacks how I didn’t make the move to girls because of this deep assumption. -I had some insight that thoughts aren’t everything. Emotions (energy) is just as important in self development. Feeling of shame came back. It wasn’t a rational shame. The thought was: “you wanted to do spiritual work but now you nose-dived and stuck in your emotions”. I didn’t get triggered by this thought. I just let it go. -I had some more flashbacks on my interactions with other people. I could read what they thought and feel by remembering their facial expressions. At this point I was wondering why my sub conscious was focused on other people. I have to be focused on myself. I wasn’t aware that I’m so obsessed by others until that point. -linked to the previous point: I got the insight why I’m so obsessed with other people’s thoughts and emotions: I’m afraid to make social mistakes and not being liked. -at this point everything came together. All these hissy fits during my trip was just to illustrate the connections during my overcompensating behavior and my relationship with myself. I saw that everything I expect from others (like approval, love, and so on) I can just give myself during my meditation sessions. Summary: The trip showed me the connection between several topics. I’m still trying to create a holistic image in my mind to understand the complete picture to get the most out of this trip. My goal of this trip was to relax and boy did I relax. I’m kind of sad I freaked out in the beginning and ate some oatmeal to slow down the trip but I get it. It has been couple of days and I notice that I have a better relationship with myself, in tune with my emotions and that “feeling alive” feeling stuck partly. I feel like I developed some emotional muscle. My top insight was that addictions/distractions and other overcompensating behavior is a technique of the devil to not face the underlying emotions.

Thanks for the tip. Usually I set an intention and then let it go.

I don’t know if you are talking about porn but porn can have a negative effects on the long term. You basically bombard your brain with images that deplete your dopamine levels in your brain. That is a problem.

I did a mushroom trip couple of months ago and at a certain point I thought I stopped breathing and breathing wasn’t going automatically anymore. I believed I had to force myself to keep breathing to stay alive. Did anybody have this too? A friend told me it was an illusion. This didn’t help me to calm down.

I agree with that PMO addiction part. When you can feel the underlying suppressed emotion, and thus feel alive. You can’t give in to the addiction.

Power of Now.