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About noip

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  1. First date. I picked a local cafe with good music and volume, and comfortable seats. My date shows up. He is leaning forward and his pupils are dilated. But he persistently yawns, heavily, which he tells me is due to a busy day. I ask, do you think you could use some sleep? He says yes, tells me it’s nice meeting me and we should reschedule, pats my hand for god knows why, and then promptly leaves! I look at the clock to find that only 20-30 minutes have passed. he never sends a follow up text. did my date just bail on me?
  2. I’ve been having bad flare-ups of social anxiety lately where I think everyone hates me. The reality is they are likely indifferent, but deep down I think I’m highly unpopular and ostracized, and I really want to just ask people “What do you really think of me?” questions— 1. What suggestions do you have of what I can do to improve this? 2. What do you really think of me? 3. Would it be a good idea to actually ask people this? Or would it be weird?
  3. I frequent another forum, and have been there for years now... Lately when I make threads on there, I've noticed that only some users will reply, and it's always the same users. Other users will completely ignore the thread and won't respond, and don't respond to any threads I make, despite responding to multiple threads within the same topic. I'm starting to feel like the forum is a popularity contest-- People will only respond if they like the topic starter or are friends with them. Otherwise, the topic starter gets ignored. Thus, unless the topic starter is actively trying to be liked and popular, they're basically "shunned." Does this sound reasonable to you? What would you do in a situation like this?
  4. it's free on YT Reapers as a concept aren't unlovable. There's lots of romanticized movies and TV shows about them. Still, for w/e reason, it was ominous in my mind. IDK what that was about... err. yeah.. i'll pass....
  5. I've recently met someone online that I've taken an uncanny interest in. I'm a bit wary about it, and so are all my family, because my last ex-boyfriend/fiance was a nightmare. He stalked me for months after I broke up with him, and was very disrespectful to the wishes of me and my family. I met my ex in school while completing my graduate courses. So I'm hoping that this new guy I'm talking to won't end up so turbulent. I'll have to be more careful/cautious with him. I am actually thinking that when I'm truly serious about someone, making them sign an official background check and undergoing neuropsychological evaluation. ...I know, heavy, right. I just feel like I can't be too cautious. Anyway, at the moment I am busting my butt looking for work. There's a lot of jobs, so it's not as bad as it has been the last several years when the recession hit. At current I'm studying for a couple of standard exams for more schooling still. I'll have to sign up for classes to brush up on material, but I don't want to make the commitment until I have a job that can help me pay for my classes. Taking care of my health has been the best thing. I no longer feel as "wobbly" about life or like "I can't do it." Once I've really cemented my schedule, I think it should be smooth sailing~! I did make some changes, such as to my meditation routine. I've recently picked up on this thing called "reiki," a new-age healing. It apparently has proven, in one study, beneficial for individuals who displayed depression/anxiety ( neurotics like me : ) but didn't fit the dsm-v diagnostic criteria. So far, it has really helped me to "Let go," and that has made such a big difference in positivity.
  6. Great advice. I did let it just "express itself," and it passed on its own. I don't really understand it, but maybe I don't need to because when I repeated the meditation exercise, I felt completely at ease. So, thanks!
  7. Recently I tried a new guided meditation I found on the internet. During the meditation, I'm supposed to "feel unconditional love" and let it flow through me. However, I experienced a block because all I could really feel was fear. I felt scared, and it wasn't a new or unfamiliar feeling. If I were to describe it, I probably have carried this fear with me all the time for the past several years, and meditation only seemed to allow me to really feel it. I suddenly saw in my mind's eye a subjective image of a dark, cloaked figure with a skull face. This image represented my fear. I feel like this fear is stopping me from "feeling unconditional love." How do I fix this/make it better?
  8. Since my self-care has improved, and my health is better, I'm starting to feel more like myself again. No longer do I feel "weak" and like "I can't do this life." Basically, I feel like I've spent the past several months recuperating from all of life's setbacks, improving my strategies for coping and trying to find a sense of motivation that came internally rather than externally. I've done the hard work of cutting out all the parts of my life that didn't gel with me. I've thought long and hard about past disappointments, processed my numerous experiences, and matured. I used to compare myself to the seed that was never inserted into the dirt and never grew. But at the moment, after all this time to reflect, process, and think deeply and meaningfully, I feel like wherever I landed, the seed has cracked and I've sprouted. I didn't really realize it, but this is the part where I really start "gaining momentum." Once I'm fully healthy again, I should be better immersed in my physical world in a way that is meaningful, productive, and unstoppable. In the past I kept saying "I feel like I'm ready to make things happen," but now I realize that people who are "ready to make things happen" don't ever say that. Usually because they are already making things happen. Anyway, lots to do today... My everyday schedule has stabilized.
  9. I love playing first person shooting games. I had a bad addiction and had to quit cold-turkey. A friend I made had me play a decade after I quit, and he thinks I've maintained muscle memory. Still managed 3 headshots and wiped out half the team. Good times.
  10. I think the human concept of time, at current, is a limited one. Time exists as a straight line to us; there's a past, a present, and a future. However, a lot of sci-fi videos play with the concept of time not existing as a line. Can you imagine that? Where past, present, and future are both simultaneous and fluctuating.
  11. It's everyone's role in society to contribute positively to society. Often that does take on the form of a job, where the work you do feeds into a system that ultimately has practical utility for the mass majority; thus the things you create/produce in some way helps the society you live in or are a part of. Also, having a job means making money and paying taxes, and that money paid then gets spent, which helps cashflow/the economy. A good economy means jobs are available, thus allowing other people ways to contribute positively to society and maintain a standard of living. It all sort of feeds back into itself...
  12. Yesterday as I sat in a coffee shop trying to get some work done, I reflected a bit on my life and finally came to an ultimatum with myself about how exactly I will be spending my time. The fact is, I am plagued by many addictions. I want to watch youtube, I want to binge watch a new show on netflix, I want to eat junk food, I want to play online games, etc. It was when I found myself checking social media for the 10th time within a minute after putting up a post that I asked myself, "Are you even happy? Are you happy being a slave to likes, hearts, "nods" of approval from people who barely even know you? You know you could die and these people would never even know to mourn you, if even that. You could say something to piss them off and never answer back or leave, and your life would carry on like nothing happened. Are you happy spending such a significant amount of your time on something that barely even makes a dent or an impact in your life?" The addiction to social media came with anxiety, where I'd find myself asking "Why aren't you checking? Check." I'd say to that voice, "I just checked seconds ago, not even a minute has passed yet...Chill" and it'd whisper back, "Check again. What if what you said is disapproving? Won't you be embarrassed? I KNOW what you said was wrong! Oh my god, how could that happen! Aren't you afraid to look silly? Aren't you embarrassed? Check. Check again." I realize all my addictions afflict me the same way. It's persistent, incessant thoughts either in the form of words or images that interfere or disrupt my daily work/routine. I almost gave into the sense of urgency my addiction embedded, but I didn't. Had I done it, I would have "lost." Ever since trying to find ways to cope with addiction and employing some strategy yesterday, I was more productive. I feel happier. I find that starting new and necessary (for my health) habits have been difficult, as is keeping the momentum going, due to my addictions interfering with tasks. With addiction, it becomes increasingly difficult to fit all my goals into the necessary time frames so that I can complete what I need to by the end of the day. I am going to stop letting addictions rule my life. I am going to be "happy" for once in a more true and authentic way, and not just giving into "fancies" and "whims" for fleeting moments of happiness that are really just empty and meaningless. --- So last night, after effectively coping with my social media and youtube addictions, I finally managed to sleep at 8PM as scheduled. I managed to clock in 8 hours of sleep and am feeling good about today. So far, so good. *phew* Now to just keep that up...
  13. Went out with my mom this mother's day. I feel bad because she asked if I could lend her money to help pay off debt, and I said I couldn't. She sat in the car and asked me why not. I didn't tell her that most all my money went into raising a surprise litter behind her back. Ugh. I don't know, I just suddenly found myself with two young animal parents and 7 little babies in my hands. Should I have allowed them to die? I couldn't. I gave them up as soon as they were ready. What's more, I spent a lot of money for health-related issues and gave hundreds to them for their trips and shopping and all that shit, so I literally have like nothing left to give. I am squeezed out dry. I felt bad, especially since it's Mother's Day. And frankly, I'm very embarrassed. Mom hasn't been able to look me in the eye since, but that's the situation I'm in. I look at the kids of this generation and how they were able to find good jobs right out of graduation, since the economy has picked up, and I feel like I happened to be born in the wrong time and am just a doomed generation born in a shitty wrong time. It's like gods/the universe decided to make my dreams *poof* in one big joke called The Recession. Most accumulated debt from my generation also stems from credit card debt, so school loans aren't the only things taking a huge bite. Not to mention reeling from feelings of deprivation, loss, disillusionment, and Recession Blues. My generation has the highest suicide rate and an opioid crisis. I'm nowhere I thought I'd be due to a multitude of factors beyond my control, and it's pretty painful. Anyway, on a lighter note, this coming Thursday should be my last health appointment and things can finally begin picking up speed as I search for a job and get back into school. I know it will get better. I just need to keep chipping away at it...
  14. I took a Big 5/SLOAN test. Results (roughly): Extroversion-- 25% Openness to experience-- 85% Agreeableness-- 45% Orderliness-- 60% Emotional Stability--35% I just wanted to note that my Emotional stability percentage indicates "neuroticism", and it looks to have "improved." In case you didn't know, Ever since figuring out that I had no change in heartbeat rate right before the start of a medical procedure, I've realized that these "stories" I told myself perhaps needed to change and be more reflective of "reality." I'm still working on it. When I think about it, I was very anxious growing into adolescence. I grew up moving a lot, living in a variety of different homes, in economic instability, and in various neighborhoods from the dangerous and poverty-stricken to the countryside and well-off suburbs. My parents very much sheltered me stiflingly, protecting me from the elements, but we were still subjected to experiences like poverty, feeling threatened or danger in our surroundings, and regular emotional turbulence from others. Being one of the oldest and female in a traditional patriarchal society and left alone to our devices, I was shafted with a lot of children to care for and "mother," most salient since I was 11. I lived a double life between home and school (which was basically ALL of my life), and that was also stressful. Any resemblance of joy in "one circle" I had to hide from the "other circle" because I felt like their intersection would tear each other apart. It was the only way I felt I could maintain a sense of "peace." So I made a lot of mistakes growing up; I didn't have guidance in some things by the sheer fact that I "hid" many aspects of many of my tribulations, and from all people--friends and family alike. In a way, in the midst of so many heavy burdens, I felt like I had to maintain a "strong" exterior for them as well. It was ok until I got traumatized. Perhaps as a mixture of genetics and all the above, I suffered greatly from persistent feelings of anxiety, worry, severe depression, loneliness, with a proneness for feeling misunderstood. At worst these feelings would manifest as intense anxiety, and then dull paranoia. These "stories" I keep telling myself are filled mostly with intense fear, exasperation over society's "boxes," worry and uncertainty for the future. As I've aged I've tried my best to "ebb" away any residual thoughts and feelings wrought on by the angst of adolescence. This includes taking the time to learn things such as mindfulness meditation, and therapy. In a way, I'm happy that I found "no change" in my resting HBR right before the start of the procedure. It sort of proved to me that whatever I did or experienced to overcome my issues has worked. I can now tell myself new stories. I don't have to go back to all that worry and fear, or basically what makes up neuroticism. I suppose as I try and regain "control" of my life, I can maybe use the big 5 as a way to measure progress? See if my emotional stability improves? I suppose if it doesn't, that might simply validate that "traits" are indeed "fixed." But at least I'll feel more at peace. --- So I decided to give myself a break from my habits on Sunday. I used it as a "rest day"/"lazy day." Big mistake! Because it's set me back. I'm going to make my habits daily and routine. Even though articles indicate I shouldn't be exercising "all 7 days of the week", I'm going to do it because I always start my days with a workout, and without it it's so easy to fall off-track.