SunnyNewDay

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  1. I'm really sorry to hear... you can get through this!!
  2. This is one thing I'm still figuring out. I'd say it's not giving into what's going through your head. I can really relate to this. Even if there are a million other things you want to think through about it won't help the situation. OCD is actually a really serious disorder that I think is made light of due to pop culture. Seeing a therapist helps a lot clear up whatever thoughts you are ruminating on.
  3. I like how his best friend alien has the most alien name ever
  4. I'm feeling much better this evening and a bunch of clarity returns to me when I'm feeling sort of clear and caring/no judgment towards myself. I think time is the greatest healer and teacher so I do believe in the long run I will overcome this and come out with a higher consciousness and mood in the long run! I will say integration has NOT been easy though lol! Did not expect this
  5. @Serotoninluv thanks I'll keep all this in mind. It's really helpful!
  6. @Serotoninluv @Leo Gura any tips for when you feel this sort of ungrounded mystical experience work it's way in? I'm not really wanting to go into it much right now because it amplified something very frightening and almost psychotic/obsessive in me. I'm not sure how to proceed or if I should just take it easy and continue working with the integrative therapist I found. My trip didn't really trigger a lack of meaning in life. It has more so exacerbated intrusive thoughts, paranoia, pure o and delusional type experiences where I feel completely doubtful and no love for myself. In general it's just made me really unsure of everything and like part of me is gone or is still here, no clue, just lots of delusion. I don't know. Just not a lot of clarity and having this mental pattern stuff exacerbated really scares me. It all started when something happened after the retreat where someone there no longer wanted to talk to me and it completely shattered me after opening up to them during the whole process. I've never been through something this intense before.
  7. I think we can say psychedelics and therapy each have their own role and neither needs to be held up as the solution for an issue that may have multiple ways of solving. I've tried psychedelics and I've tried therapy and for me I think therapy is the better choice overall along with meditation and breathe work. The bad trips from psychedelics I experienced were brutal and then coming home with a lot of the same ways of thinking and a lack of self love made it really hard to do anything with what I experienced. In some ways it maybe was some tough love and got me back in therapy which is good but it was so brutal I wonder if there was something else I could of tried which was more gentle and able to teach me in a far less traumatic and psychotic way. I think I'll have a better understanding in the long run. I will say this... psychedelics can be very dangerous and life shattering whereas therapy will be much gentler and easier to integrate.
  8. Ok I'll try. It's hard to even understand what insights I got during Aya. I feel like I got nothing other than these horrible and terrifying experiences and then from there was left more aware and sore and with the task to sort of put myself back together. Thanks for your reply, it's comforting.
  9. I've held back from saying this because I've just told a lot of people I did this retreat and I came back feeling good but I'm at a point now where I really regret doing this psychedelic because of some psychological issues that have come up more and more after participating, ruminating and just issues that have unfolded since coming back. I resent anyone who proselytizes this medicine or claims there is "no such thing as a bad trip" or that "no matter what it heals you and gives you what you need." This is a powerful psychedelic and the people you're around, how they interact with you during the ceremonies, your own perspective all play a role. I've been in a state of panic for nearly three weeks now and feel almost entirely unlovable. I've been able to regain some clarity but am just afraid to move forward and start releasing again. I'm afraid to even "pray" or listen to my "intuition" because I was doing this before and I have no real reference point for the latter. People say follow your feelings but these can be equally as misleading if you don't have the senses or clear thought to guide you. I'm scared to even pray again because it's only gotten worse from doing this and I don't want to go back into the mystical stuff because I feel like a bad person when here. I'm coming from a very confused place and am just wanting to get help right now. Speaking to a therapist has helped some and it has helped me cry and regain some of myself but I really wonder if I'll ever be the same after this. Before I wasn't happy, felt blocked and had some neurotic worrying but I at least had some sense of what was real and was stable and had a comfortable life... Now I don't even know what's up anymore. I'm hoping a psychiatrist can help with some medication and I will continue to see the therapist. I feel embarrassed because I told lots of people before going how good this was going to be for me and even after when I came back and still felt good. I hate how during the 4th ceremony everything felt so real and mystical during the terror trip and how that has sort of followed me back and polluted my memories and senses of knowing what's real. Perhaps I'm going through some sort of extreme ego backlash because I was able to have an insight and ego/truth experience before all this stuff came up five days ago? Or maybe the 4th trip was so traumatic that I just need to process it and the emotional/memory flashback experiences of it? Just feeling the feeling of faith makes me scared and I suppose I'm going through a mental/spiritual crisis. I have zero appetite and am just wanting to get back to feeling normal again and am just hoping this experience doesn't follow/haunt me. I am praying and just hoping this will pass and time will heal this. I feel totally unlovable and trapped in a knot of all sorts of beliefs, misconceptions and feelings. Please send your prayers!
  10. any more tips for when the fear feels so real?
  11. I would be very careful with ayahuasca. I regret drinking ayahuasca and should of started with something much more loving and calming. I fooled myself into thinking it was something I could handle and make me feel better but I have been pulling myself back together for six weeks after doing 4 ceremonies. I can't really beat myself up for that though because from the research I had done at the time it felt like it was the right choice. It has triggered a massive amount of psychotic problems, ocd, mood swings and paranoia in me recently where I started to believe delusional stories about myself and all sort of crazy stuff even a month after taking it like I was back in the terror trip which happened during the final ceremony. I've also found who you do it with can have a major impact and the people there aren't necessarily equipped to help you handle what comes up. I felt really abandoned and misunderstood by some of the people at the retreat and while I think they are good people and their intentions are to help I don't think a lot of these retreats are equipped to deal with everything that comes up. Talking about it in therapy has helped clear this up and integrate what has happened and released a lot of stuff and bring back clarity to my thinking and who I feel I am. If you have any history with mental illness (especially to do with manic/obsessive overthinking) of any sort I'd be careful taking ayahuasca. I'd say it's for mentally strong people with a high degree of self love for themselves and others and with experience tripping on psychedelics. I was not this going into the ceremonies.
  12. What to do if going through a dark night or spiritual emergency?
  13. what if the pursuit worsens a mental illness? Is it okay to back off and take it slower?
  14. It can drive you to insanity. That's what I've felt like at times after taking ayahuasca and it's made me face some absolute horrible feelings and thoughts but I've also seen the parting of the clouds so I'm 50/50. I'd say not worry about the frivolous stuff in your opening post and more about your own well being while pursuing, choosing proper techniques, taking it slow, etc. You don't have to rush anything... just pursue gently and prioritize self love and acceptance.