ivory

How often do you smoke? If I smoke weed once and a while it's fun and yields insight. If I smoke it often it makes me feel depressed, anxious, and self-conscious. Weed is an interesting drug because it can serve as a depressant for some people and serve as a stimulant for others. Google it. Weed can magnify and illuminate your emotions. I personally believe it can be used in a spiritual context for that reason. It lets you know what you need to work on. You mentioned self-hatred, shame and guilt. Those are characteristics of depression.

Fear dissipates by allowing it to be there, not by suppressing it. When working with fear you need to feel it without getting lost in thought content. Indulging in the thoughts is what gives fear its power.

I lay off the books once I become confused or get myself into analysis paralysis. Now I read books very slowly. Like maybe a couple pages per week. This allows me time to digest what I read and see how it applies to my life. There have been times when I was so confused that I stopped reading for months at a time. The Confusion arises because you don't have enough insight. The more information you have the worse off you are. You have to understand what you read experientially.

Working through the challenges that stand between you and a rich and meaningful life.

You can become depressed in isolation. I know from experience. Relationships are necessary for a basic level of mental health. When you start to feel lonely or sad more often than not you have gone too far in your solitude.

If it only last a day then you are golden. The best thing to do is "just be with it" rather than resisting or trying to make it go away. It will pass. The knowledge that it's impermanent is going to make it easier the next time it arises. Know your triggers. It's easier to remain objective and catch it before you get sucked into it. Therapy is never a bad option.

I get any job interview I want. I paid a professional to do my resume. They ask you a bunch of questions and use your answers to generate a resume that highlights your skills and accomplishments. I'd highly recommend going that route. It's an investment that will last you many years. I also have a small website that highlights some of the projects I work on, has a little blog, and my resume. This sets me apart from others big time.

What EternalForest said. Books need to be digested. Read slowly, go about your life as usual, see how the author's words apply to your life.

Care to elaborate on what you've heard and how he's influenced the people you know? I've watched quite a bit of Jordan Peterson and I find him quite inspiring. However, he's intense and a bit of a one-trick pony. For people stuck in the victim mindset, or stuck in a shitty life situation, JP is great. He taught me to take responsibility for my life in ways I didn't realize I had to. I had a number of blindspots and he helped open my eyes to them. I feel where he's lacking is on the acceptance end of the spectrum. Self-acceptance is a very challenging aspect of self-development. We'll never be perfect, but we can all use some improvement. Paradoxically, it's impossible to make improvements when you don't accept who you are. I don't think that JP addresses this nearly as much as he should.

When you are trying to develop a skill the only way to improve is to practice. Keep at it and maintain a journal to track the things you learned, the things you could do better, and the things you did well.

I started making music in the recent past and at first it was a big challenge to sit down and do the work. It just seemed like a massive undertaking. But, I kept at it. Slowly but surely. Sometimes only spending 10 minutes a day, and sometimes skipping altogether. Eventually I reached a "hook" point. Now I want to sit down and make music because I see myself making progress. It's a cycle, see progress, keep going, ..., more progress, keep going. That's exactly how I see self-development work in general. You start to see changes and it's less of a chore. Where people go wrong is by trying to accomplish too much at the same time. It's a slow crawl, one goal at a time.

Get help. Just don't talk about non-duality. A therapist can still help you. I would not rule out meds either. Meds are great as a short-term solution. You don't have to stay on them forever. Just out of curiosity, was there a specific event that led you to this place? Did something happen or was it a gradual darkening?

@Pilgrim Nice post.

It's harmful because life is hard. Life sucks if you don't have the strength and skill to deal with what life throws at you.

People are motivated by pleasure but shy away from things that are difficult. As a result, people gravitate towards things that are easy and that yield instant gratification. Developing skills and habits is hard so most people don't do anything that requires that level of investment. When you pick up a task, the little achievements result in pleasure and pushing through challenges results in skill. The more skilled you become at something the more pleasurable the thing is. This is how passion for something develops. It's all about commitment and developing the necessary strength and skills that bear the fruit of passion.

@Big Guru Balls is my hero. Teal swan is not enlightened. She's a faker.

Common causes of depression include spiritual crisis (dark night), self-esteem issues, avoidance of responsibility (ego backlash), loss, life transition, chemical imbalance in the brain, or some combination thereof. This is why I recommend professional help to people who have been stuck in depression for a long time. It's hard to pinpoint the cause and the treatment. Regarding my question about motivation, often times we will feel a false sense of self-esteem when our motives result from low self-esteem. So we try to cover up our shitty feelings with good ones, but this strategy is bound to fail because it's rooted in ego. I had experienced this and suspected it may be the same for you. But, honestly, I can't be sure what's true for you.

I found a therapist, learned everything I could about depression and anxiety, and continued to work on myself. I would recommend getting help. Finding your way out is very, very difficult. You almost have to do the opposite of what you think and want to do.

@Maccoy Your story sounds just like mine. I went from high functioning to not functioning at all. You say you were highly motivated in the past, what were your primary motivations?

"Growth" is a better term for "emotional maturity". Emotional maturity implies a lack of self-acceptance. Growth happens slowly over time. You have no control over how or when growth occurs (as you are clearly aware). However, you do have choice. Life will present you with opportunities for growth in the form of challenges and it's up to you to choose to accept those challenges, or to turn away.

It all depends on what you value. In fact, it's all about values. If you are asking the question then you need to get clear on this for yourself. Do you prefer creativity, physical outlets, fulfilling work, or relationships? The answers vary from individual to individual. To me, creativity is of highest importance. But I'm also highly introverted. Extroverts tend to have more of a need for socialization and will likely spend more time with friends and family. This is highly subjective. It's all about you. That said, you seem to make some distinction between life purpose and relationships. For some, life purpose includes relationships. Ultimately, you define meaning and purpose based on what you value.

The misconception about self-actualization is that it's about becoming someone. Self-actualization is about reducing suffering while maximizing enjoyment. Acceptance is a huge part of the practice. Accept who you are now, accept life as it is, but take action so you reduce suffering. When you do nothing you remain stuck. When you do too much or move too fast you become stressed and anxious and accomplish nothing. This is obviously suffering so this can't be it. When you learn to move at the right pace you experience peace, ease, and joy. The paradox is that when you aren't too attached to change, change actually occurs in small ways over time. Quick sand is a great analogy for self-actualization. Don't do nothing, but don't move too fast.

Your story sounds familiar to mine but I'd need to hear more to be sure. With depression comes negativity towards life and self. What sort of negativity do you experience?

I concur. Take your time and approach it with strategy. I've rushed into things before and regretted it. I wish I would have eased into my path. It would have been much less stressful and more enjoyable along the way.

Meditation, journaling, creative or athletic outlets, hang with good friends, take steps towards a future.