ivory

I think what I'm going to do is seek out some green communities and learn to connect better with people who are into deep topics. Like I said, I find very few people interesting. So I'm just going to seek out the interesting ones for now. Maybe I'll do better socially with those who are more like myself.

You can essentially break life down into several categories: Relationships, hobbies and recreation, health, spirituality, career and education. Where do you feel the least content? I feel like I have a pretty full life with yoga, making music, hanging out with friends, eating healthy, investing in my career, and meditation.

They go hand in hand. Experience gives way to thought and emotion. Those thoughts and emotions are then fodder for contemplation.

The best thing to do is start trying, Teachers and other resources can help you reach your goal more efficiently but there's plenty to learn from just getting out there and doing it.

I've been into self-development (I don't like the term self-improvement) work for about 5 years. What I noticed in myself is that I am less shy, less obsessed, more skilled, more responsible, more kind to myself, and have more insight into my own mechanics than when I started. What I did it was read good books (slowly), went into therapy, found a spiritual teacher, and started putting what I learned into into practice. I made a lot of mistakes but that's really how I learned.

I have an idea of self-improvement but I'm not sure it means the same thing to you as it does me. What is self-improvement?

Sorry to hear about what you're going through Shir I can relate to some of what you wrote, especially about not enjoying the things you used to. I'm glad to hear that you are getting therapy. I have a therapist as well and have really come to value our relationship. I went through a major episode of depression and was resistant to meds for the first 2 years. Eventually I got so depressed that I couldn't take it anymore. I agreed to try meds and oh my god do I wish that I would have taken them sooner. They didn't alleviate all my issues but they did lessen them so that they were manageable and I could work on the things I needed to. I still see ongoing improvements in my daily life, motivation, hopefulness, and enjoyment. Eventually I would like to go off of meds completely but I'm going to wait until I feel I've worked through the stuff I need to and my life is in better order.

I totally agree with this. I have no intention of changing myself, or even denying my introversion, I would just like to have more skills in the relationship department. I totally believe this. This is what I suspect. I guess I'lll have to find out for myself. Thanks for the lovely post Violet. The thing that confuses me is that I don't seem to have much interest in other people. I find very few people interesting. So, who am I developing social skills for?

I don't see introversion as some kind of flaw. That said, I do believe that I can work on social skills without sacrificing who I am. Often times I don't know what to say. I'd like to learn how to be able to converse more skillfully. That's basically what I mean. I agree with you though, listening skills seem very important in relationship.

@ajasatya had some good advice. I would start there. But, if your mom is anything like mine was it's not going to make a difference. In hind sight I would have told my mom that I was setting boundaries and that she was no longer going to dictate how I lived my life. And then I would have done whatever the hell I wanted regardless of what she did or said. Take care of yourself man.

I've noticed something similar in myself. But as these feelings of wanting to do something or not oscillate, I also notice the motivation for which I want to do them change. Sometimes I want to do something because I enjoy it, or because it makes life feel meaningful, and then other times I do them so that I'll feel better about myself or because people will like me if I do them. What I've noticed is that we often have mixed motives for doing the same thing. Some of those motives are authentic and some are not. So it makes sense to drop something or slow down for a little while until the inauthentic motive drops away. The key for me is to notice which motives are authentic (rooted in joy or meaning), and which are not (validation, avoidance, control), and to stop feeding the inauthentic motives. What I'm trying to say is that you may not need to drop whatever you're doing. However, you may need to slow down from time to time, be gentle with yourself, and get really in touch with the authentic part of yourself.

@How to be wise I went to a zen teacher and said, "everything is perfect." She responded with, "that's a bunch of zen bullshit."

The most important concepts for me to understand were values, acceptance, commitment, and pacing and how they related to contentment. During the early stages of the path I had to get clear on what I valued (health, relationships, hobbies, career, spirituality, education). After getting really clear on what I wanted out of life I made a series of commitments based on those values. I had to give up addictions and distractions in order to make room for the things that mattered to me. From there it was, and still is, an ongoing recalibration of the pace at which I move, balancing acceptance and commitment. Once I figured out how to pace myself I was finally able to enjoy life.

LOA is founded on wishful thinking. The spiritual path is about Truth.

How often do you smoke? If I smoke weed once and a while it's fun and yields insight. If I smoke it often it makes me feel depressed, anxious, and self-conscious. Weed is an interesting drug because it can serve as a depressant for some people and serve as a stimulant for others. Google it. Weed can magnify and illuminate your emotions. I personally believe it can be used in a spiritual context for that reason. It lets you know what you need to work on. You mentioned self-hatred, shame and guilt. Those are characteristics of depression.

Fear dissipates by allowing it to be there, not by suppressing it. When working with fear you need to feel it without getting lost in thought content. Indulging in the thoughts is what gives fear its power.

I lay off the books once I become confused or get myself into analysis paralysis. Now I read books very slowly. Like maybe a couple pages per week. This allows me time to digest what I read and see how it applies to my life. There have been times when I was so confused that I stopped reading for months at a time. The Confusion arises because you don't have enough insight. The more information you have the worse off you are. You have to understand what you read experientially.

Working through the challenges that stand between you and a rich and meaningful life.

You can become depressed in isolation. I know from experience. Relationships are necessary for a basic level of mental health. When you start to feel lonely or sad more often than not you have gone too far in your solitude.

If it only last a day then you are golden. The best thing to do is "just be with it" rather than resisting or trying to make it go away. It will pass. The knowledge that it's impermanent is going to make it easier the next time it arises. Know your triggers. It's easier to remain objective and catch it before you get sucked into it. Therapy is never a bad option.

I get any job interview I want. I paid a professional to do my resume. They ask you a bunch of questions and use your answers to generate a resume that highlights your skills and accomplishments. I'd highly recommend going that route. It's an investment that will last you many years. I also have a small website that highlights some of the projects I work on, has a little blog, and my resume. This sets me apart from others big time.

What EternalForest said. Books need to be digested. Read slowly, go about your life as usual, see how the author's words apply to your life.

Care to elaborate on what you've heard and how he's influenced the people you know? I've watched quite a bit of Jordan Peterson and I find him quite inspiring. However, he's intense and a bit of a one-trick pony. For people stuck in the victim mindset, or stuck in a shitty life situation, JP is great. He taught me to take responsibility for my life in ways I didn't realize I had to. I had a number of blindspots and he helped open my eyes to them. I feel where he's lacking is on the acceptance end of the spectrum. Self-acceptance is a very challenging aspect of self-development. We'll never be perfect, but we can all use some improvement. Paradoxically, it's impossible to make improvements when you don't accept who you are. I don't think that JP addresses this nearly as much as he should.

When you are trying to develop a skill the only way to improve is to practice. Keep at it and maintain a journal to track the things you learned, the things you could do better, and the things you did well.

I started making music in the recent past and at first it was a big challenge to sit down and do the work. It just seemed like a massive undertaking. But, I kept at it. Slowly but surely. Sometimes only spending 10 minutes a day, and sometimes skipping altogether. Eventually I reached a "hook" point. Now I want to sit down and make music because I see myself making progress. It's a cycle, see progress, keep going, ..., more progress, keep going. That's exactly how I see self-development work in general. You start to see changes and it's less of a chore. Where people go wrong is by trying to accomplish too much at the same time. It's a slow crawl, one goal at a time.