kag101

Hey man, First of all, congratulations for your self-awareness. It's a very good sign that you are questioning whether psychedelics might become a crutch. I have personal experience with this topic, so I'll share a little bit about my story. Background I've had depression since I was 9. And it started to become a big problem at 19. I really hit rock bottom. It was awful. Deep existential emptiness, lack of vitality, social phobia, etc. Then, a friend invited me to go to an ayahuasca ceremony. And I had always wanted to try psychedelics, because I believed that I actually had some spiritual problem. And long story short, it did help me in the beginning but then it became a crutch. And then it started to make matters worse. Beginning... butterflies and rainbows... The first few times were magical. It really took me out of depression and made me more loving. It gave color to my life once again. But unfortunately, it didn't last long. And then I soon found myself going to ceremonies every single week in order to "refill" my serotonin levels. As time went by, the therapeutic effect became less and less powerful. And the trips became very repetitive, and sometimes downright scary and unpleasant. I still believed that my problem was existential or something. And I was wearing the hat of being a "spiritual warrior". So I thought that I should fight the alleged obsessive spirits that were inside me that were depleading my vitality and weakening my true self. First psychotic break So... I started to become more and more intense on this journey. After some months, I had my first psychotic megalomaniac break during a ceremony. I cringe when I remember that day. I thought I was embodying God and that I was to awaken everybody. I thought that I looked like a wise yogi, but actually I was very loud, arrogant, childish, and obnoxious. After that, I was expelled from this ayahuasca place, so I tried to find a new one. And again... I was taking it every week, and very large dosages. And I didn't see a problem with that, after all, it is spiritual, isn't it? When it started to makes matters worse... This strategy of mine for taming my depression worked for a while. I was on it throughout 2017. I did get some things accomplished in that year. But... I was way too racy. I didn't have peace of mind. I was always on-the-run. Anyways, eventually, after the trips, my depression was getting even worse. The deep existential emptiness and lack of meaning would intensify. That has happened as well to a friend of mine. I had my second full-blown break, and was expelled from this other place. My opinion People usually say that psychedelics are super safe and non-addictive, but I would be very cautious to make that claim. For example, if I had suicidal tendencies, I might have attempted to kill myself during one of those breaks. And regarding it being addictive, it surely is not like cocaine or something, but I've met many people who are addicted indeed in those substance, most of whom are in denial. People spiritualize as an excuse to use those substances. That said, I have seen some people who have had great results with depression, but... they were on a very serious instituition here in Brazil called UDV. The thing about using psychedelics on one's own is that it becomes a self-medicating kind of thing. My opinion for its usage for mental illness is that it is risky. If you also have a tendency for paranoia (like I do), then they are a big no-no. But in a way, having those experiences helped me fulfill my desire to experience what it's like to trip balls and explore my inner world. I always had that curiosity, so in a way I'm glad that I fulfilled it. What really helped me As with psychotherapy, dude... it's definitely worth it. But you have to find a good therapist. I can't stress this enough. Shitty therapy is worse than no therapy at all. I'd also suggest going to a psychiatrist. I've been going to both for about year, and my life is so much better. I used to worry a lot about how I was wasting my life and how I was getting behind everybody else. And now I feel like I'm catching up and that I am becoming a truly developed human being. I made a topic on my experience with that. You can search it by searching "The power of traditional psychotherapy". Antidepressants have a very bad reputation. My psychiatrist explained why that is so. There is a lot of bias, because usually the people who share their experience are the ones who had very bad experiences. If the treatment is successful, the person usually doesn't talk about it. After all, it is not a pleasant think to talk about it. So there are many many cases of "silent success stories". Because of that, I made sure to write a review online of my experience with the medication I'm on. Here it is: I really hope that you find some way to tame your depression, because it is a bitch. You deserve to feel good on a consistent basis. I'm rooting for you. Feel free to PM me. Good luck, man!

Well, I'm sure someone has already thought of this, but I had this idea while reading the book "Focus". He was talking about how being able to sense ones's own heartbeat is an indicator of self-awareness. I've tried many techniques in the past: SDS, do nothing, mindfulness, vipassana, etc. None seem to work that well. IMO, the simpler the meditation, the better. When the technique starts to get too complicated (like body-scanning), it becomes less effective for me. The simplest technique is focusing on the breath. Problem is, I can't seem to just observe the breath, I end up breathing manually. And this creates anxiety because then my breath is not natural and I can't seem to stop controlling it. So I thought, "What if I used my heartbeat as the object of my meditation?" This way, I wouldn't have to worry about not interfering with the natural process, because I don't control my heart. I've been doing it over the past few days, and I really liked it. Sometimes it's not easy to feel it, but I believe that the more I practice, the easier it is getting. And it's giving me a very calm feeling afterwards. I feel like this is what meditation should feel like. I have no interest in enlightenment meditation, because they end up driving me nuts. I just want to feel calmer and quiet down my monkey mind for a while. I suppose that the breath would be a better object of focus, but I want to take a break from "observing my breath without interfering it". It's simply not working. So this "heartbeat meditation" has been working for me.

Why not read both? It's good to read some good-old self-help once in a while...

Good points

Careful not to get neurotic about this. Will power is not the solution to all life's problems.

Is this for real? ?

@Raptorsin7 Hey man, I hope that the treatment plan works out. It might take some time. You might have to try more than one med before finding the right one. Stay patient; it's fucking worth it! Looking in retrospective, all the years I spend meditating, doing yoga, using psychedelics were -- in essence -- a waste of time and energy. They actually ended up making matters worse. I was trying to overcome social anxiety and clinical depression, both of which are medical conditions, through self-help videos/books and self-reflection. How naive (and arrogant in a way) I was... Deep down, what I really needed was to be heard by a high-quality psychotherapist. Not crappy therapy, but someone who I could feel comfortable sharing what I'm going through. And if the person would give an advice, it would be in a polite way, respecting me as an intelligent human being. And also someone would say or ask me interesting things. The most important thing to know if the therapist is good is if you feel like you were truly heard. If, for instance, you vent about something; then afterwards, the therapist make a snarky passive-aggressive condescending comment, then this is a red flag. Another bad sign would be if he fakes empathy (saying a lot of "I understand", "Oh..." but not in an authentic way). Anyway, all the best, man. I wish you a very good luck. If you want, feel free to PM me whenever you feel like it.

Having weird silence pauses in order for him to "feel what's going on with his body" doesn't look like a decent behavior. As you said, it cuts the flow of the conversation. He sounds way too woo-woo imo. I've tried many different types of therapists, and the type that fit me best was my very last choice -- the traditional. A good traditional therapy is so freaking powerful. It is the most important self-development investment you can make! The amount of wisdom you can get with books, seminars, meditation, psychedelics, etc is like 5-10% of what true psychotherapy can give you. I say that based on my personal experience. Btw, healers or psychics cannot be compared to real psychotherapy. They have their value, but more as an entertainment sort of thing. When you find a good psychotherapist, you'll look forward to going to the session, because you know that you will get out of there feeling more peaceful, centered, and relieved. And you'll have lots of golden nuggets insights. The big results come in the long term, but within 1-4 session, you will start to feel much more aligned and on the right track for actualizing an amazing life!

That’s a ridiculous behavior! If I were you, I would never have another session with this guy again, and I’d start searching for a new therapist asap.

You need professional help, dude. No amount of internet advice will truly help you. Nor will enlightenment work or even basic self-help work in your case. Oh and by professional help, I mean a psychiatrist (and also a psychotherapist, preferably). I could relate to what you said about "wasting your youth". Even though I'm a decently good-looking guy and also have charisma, because of mental illness, I couldn't be the real me. After all, I wasn't 100% alive. But numbed out. My teenage years I just wanted to escape everything: school, socializing, chores, etc. Now that my mood is stabilized (due to medication), I do kinda feel bad that I didn't seek help sooner. I mean, I tried... But I was trying the ineffective methods. That is, alternative methods. NLP, hypnosis, self-help, Reiki, psychedelics, etc. However, because I'm feeling good now and I know that my life is heading in the right direction, the fact that I "wasted" some years doesn't really bother me. You mentioned that you realized that you were trying to get enlightened in a neurotic way to compensate the suffering you were in. I can totally relate to that. There was a time in my life that I was meditating for 4 hours a day. Actually, I wouldn't even call that meditation -- I was simply tolerating discomfort. Another thing that I did to not get psychological help was to... major in psychology at college. I didn't think going through the process was necessary for me. All I needed was, I thought, the theoretical foundation. Then, I would "heal" myself and I'd be an awesome therapist. I was trying to overcome it all by myself, because deep down I thought I didn't need the help of professionals. I hit rock bottom at 22 also, which was in 2018. The thing about depression is that the longer you take to seek help, the worse it gets. The episodes get longer and darker. The first psychiatrist was crappy. But then, I found a really good one. He found a medication that fit me really well. And, man... I hope you get to experience what I have been experiencing. It's as if I were in hell for 10 years, and now I'm out of it. And reality feels like heaven. Sure, there are ups and downs. And there are problems. But nothing can be compared to that existential emptiness that I used to feel. Best of luck!

I want to try to write here every Sunday. I think it'll be interesting to keep it up on a consistent basis. Annoying back pain I have been getting a rather annoying back pain. It's more of a discomfort. But if I have to bend forward a lot (for cleaning stuff, for example), then it really becomes to ache. One thing that I have found is that moderate physical activity actually helps for pain. So I'm doing that. But more importantly: I want to go to a physiotherapist. Despite the quarantine, I suppose I can find one right now. It's the best chance that I have for improving this aspect of my life. I have always wanted to have a good posture not only because it looks good, but also because I don't want to have more pain when I get older. Take action, or it'll stay the same And the thing is, worrying about this problem will not help per se. I have to take some action, whatever that is. Or else, this will continue to be the same. Thinking about the problem doesn't solve anything. I must take some sort of action, and then wait for the results. Here are some examples of that: 1) My hair Since I was 16, I noticed that I was going to get bald. It's hard to accept that, especially because I have always really liked my hair. Earlier this year, I went to a dermatologist, and I started a new treatment. It seems as though I got good results. 2) My mental health I have known for a very long time that I had a problem with depression, and I'd worry about it. It would stress me out, I would get anxious because of it, and life was miserable. I had a lot of preconceptions about what psychiatry and psychotherapy were like. I did way too much internet reasearch on that. Had I not taken the first step, things would stay the same fucking thing - if not worse. I had a goddamned rocky start. I actually got worse. But then, I changed to a new doctor, and then he really helped . Off topic: How I was like when I went to this psychiatrist (It's been one year) I was really hurt back then. I had gone through years of struggle. Of feeling that nobody understood what I was going through. A deep existential emptiness would visit me every once in a while. And that shit was destroying me. The more the years passed, the worse it was getting. I would give self-help way too much value, and my expectations for the help it could provide me were highly unrealistic. Today I know that reading books, meditating, or practicing affirmations can help me. But to a certain extent. If I didn't have proper professional help, these things would be not only worthless but also detrimental to my well-being. Why? Because I'd understand everything wrong, and in the end, I would feel worse off than if I had never done it. Anyways, back to my point about taking action. I will try to do some research on a physiotherapist. My health insurance will expire in less than 2 months, so I want to see what can I do. See you next Sunday (7-19). Hopefully, lol.

Have you ever tried visualization and affirmations?

In other words, dying physically... ?

Just careful not to get neurotically nihilistic.

You should definitely work on removing that. Perfectionism can be a huge problem. I struggle with that as well. It's getting better, but it sure is a persistent son of a bitch... That's very common. It's called spiritual ego. The sneakiest of all egos... To transcend the ego, you first need to have one. No-self is not about being dissociated from the physical world. IMO, I think you're right. You should let go of spirituality for now. If you keep on this track, it will make matters worse for you.

So you're saying that to get enlightened, you need to lose your sanity?

Interesting. One that I like to use that is very powerful is: "It's okay to ........." For example, it's okay to be lazy, it's okay to be selfish, it's okay to be an asshole, etc. The moment I accept a nasty thing, it begins to fix it on its own.

Brute force and will power are not the answer to all life's problems.

Nah. I'm just saying that any type of practice that promises "amazing super-human results" are usually fishy. For example, NoFap...

Detaching yourself from worldly problems won't help you. This is called spiritual bypassing. For example: "Oh... I am not really this person, so all of this shit I'm going through doesn't matter because my spirit transcends all of that."

I'm very skeptical about intermittent fasting. "Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence."

Lmao

It's good to hear the opinions of others once in a while. But it is really important to filter it by asking yourself. "Does this make sense to me?" Taking advice blindly is bad; not giving a shit about the opinions of others is also bad. The middle path is always the best path. Hope that helps.

This is a highly irresponsible advice.

Did you find that funny?