I got it more clearly now... About my orignal post- whoever got what i meant by it and have similar problem, the solution is always to push yourself towards balance that serves the best for yourself and the enviroment. I was basicly addicted from meditation, and non dual state. If something makes you disfuncional in life then, step away from it and balance it out. Make the intention that guides you to better version of your self always. You are what you belive in. Also another insight i got is that the ego is the reflection of your belifes about yourself. Make it your friend, cooperate with it. Most of te spiritual guides on the internet makes the 'feel' about ego that this is something bad, that you should get rid - wrong! This is the interconection with this world - the way how you work with it reflect your relationship with the reality. It is lens that define your illusion of reality so take full responsibility for it. If you suck at something then its because you belive in it, and you will suck at it till you dont change your believes. Belives is the self perpetuating engine. Who controls your belives control yourself. The meditation is workbench for your ego once you cleared your mind and have intention to change something. Also noticed that many guides about self development on the internet have intention to 'get rid of the illusion' and no one tells what after that. The answer is - cooperate with it, change it for better. Its like going outside of circle of awareness that influensed you but now you are creating this circle. I could basicly write about it forever. Hope @Leo Gura will make video about ego traps of misinterpretation of self development guides- if he survives his monthly 'retreat' ... Also another inight is that you could be addicted from tutorials about selfdevelopment, or you might to much rely on them -watch on that too. Your main developent tool is you yourself - remember that! You are the guru! Develop own insights! Look inwards!