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Posts posted by billiesimon

  1. 6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

    NO! NO! NO!

    There is no date. You will never die.

    You are dreaming. There is no future.

    Forget about tomorrow. It never comes.

    You are talking about the true self, or God self. He is talking about our human form/ego.

    How does the ego die in practical terms?

    It's IMPOSSIBLE to remain forever in this limited form.

  2. 16 hours ago, Michal__ said:

    Yeah, I love that feeling too. I've always wondered whether people who complain about it making them paranoid and having bad experiences are just bad at interpreting this state.

    I feel you might be right. The classic paranoid state is just the psychedelic effect of THC slamming your fears and anxieties in your face to heal them. One of the first times I tried it I encountered a deep fear of losing the people I love, and I surrendered and entered a deep meditative state where I released part of that fear and found some peace in acceptance.

    Weed can be really powerful but you should not resist the paranoia.

  3. 39 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    I don't go by strain or dose. Any THC will do. Smoke till you are too terrified to smoke any more.

    I really feel that last sentence :/

    I'm exploring weed too in these last weeks (never tried it before), and the existential terror it brings is way deeper than normal psychedelics. 

    THC has a really eerie occult feeling that no other psych has, not even salvia. Reality becomes deeply mysterious during these trips, and your fears and anxieties are forced on you to be accepted. 

    I like THC but it's not as pleasant as LSD for example. 


  4. 1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

    You should be careful making fantasies of such people.

    In reality, if there were buses around, he would be careful not to walk in front of them.

    There's little to fear when you live in a cave, once you've adopted that lifestyle. It would actually be a lot more impressive if Maharshi had to run a business and a family. When you live in a cave you got nothing to lose, so little to fear.

    That's true, but what's also true is that he renounced everything he could have built in his life.

    It's really hard to quit everything and start a yogic/sage life like him. It literally means that he threw away everything except his own body.

    I am quite sure that 99.99% of western people would never do that. Ramana certainly was cautious about danger, but he made the hardest choice in terms of lifestyle.

    Imagine a famous actor giving up fame, money, cars, sex etc to become a solitary sage. Impossible.

  5. 7 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

    I have Awoken so profoundly that I opened a portal inside my skull to a colorful Infinite Cartoon landscape full of striped and polka-dotted sentient Alien creatures doing cartwheeels, backflips, and helicoptering around.

    I have Awoken to an Infinite dreamscape of pure fun and Love!

    This sounds like Salvia Divinorum xD

    Using Salvia I was creating some really colorful scenarios in my imagination.

  6. 35 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

    Yeah. I felt I was going to die for 3 hours straight. I panicked and opened the fridge to grab some liquor, and my visual field was completely flattened and my coordination was way off. It was like my hand didn't have to move to grab the bottle, or like there was no air between me and the fridge. Really strange. Every time I would plan to execute an action, it would take forever to do it. I tried to get something from the food drawer, but I couldn't analyze what I was looking at.

    I guess it didn't help that I hadn't smoked for a year, had meditated daily for 2 years with many samadhi experiences, was on a 3 month streak of nofap, was low blood sugar and a bit hungover from the day before.

    Hahah, yeah, I am pretty sure that these drastic changes in cannabis effects are due to a serious spiritual work. All the reports I've read, similar to my experience, are from people who have gained spiritual progress of some sort. You could say that classic weed is just "unconscious weed".


    But I will trip again with it, I will come back :D

  7. Yeah, I could not believe it.

    I read @Leo Gura's short replies about cannabis weeks ago, recounting that he had a massive awakening with it. And I also did a lot of reasearch on youtube (Nondual Therapy channel has nice videos on it), and it seems like several spiritual people have had intense psychedelic trips with THC. So I was really curious since I already have several psychedelic experiences and some higher states of consciousness from sober techniques.


    I received this powerful italian strain (I am italian) of 20% THC and sativa dominant. After several days of anxiety and fear about it, I decided to try it.

    I weighed 25 mg of raw bud, which is very low, and put it in my small bong.

    Just two hits and nothing more.




    After the first hit I feel a lot more present, silent, and my desires and wants seem to fade away. Pleasant orange taste.

    Second hit, finishing up the tiny fragment of bud. "Well, there's nothing happening. I guess it's ok, I'll do something else."

    BOOOOM and it hits me.

    Massive waves of anxiety and fear start to torture me. Never happened so hard on psychedelics, it's the first time that it's so aggressive. Fear, fear, anxiety, terror.

    I'm gonna die!!! I feel like I'm mentally dying, and my body is almost completely relaxed and still. I recognize the ego death, so I decide to LET GO in order to avoid a bad trip. I surrender over the course of 3 minutes and my fast heart beat calms down.




    I am nowhere. I am nowhere to be found.

    Where am I? I am nowhere, this body... is just a body. This voice, is just a voice. I am nowhere.

    I start to feel that I am both nowhere and everywhere.

    I have small moments of deep samadhi with objects, but as soon as I start listening to my human voice, I get back into my ego and lose the samadhi.

    I notice that I FEEL SAFER in my ego. It feels safe. "I am this person" feels safe. It's the fear of death, the fear of losing free will and the fear of oneness.


    Massive energy waves

    Huge energy/frequency waves hit me from every where, they are almost colorful, but they are mostly felt with the touch sense. It's INFINITE energy. I feel infinite energy hitting me everywhere. There's infinite energy forever and ever and ever in existence. It never stops and it's limitless. For several minutes I have felt drowning in this infinite energy.

    It felt like an infinite quicksand, an infinite rabbit hole made of waves. I feel massive fear of losing completely myself in this infinite limitless texture of energy.


    What it means to be pure

    Pure means that you surrender to existence, to the universe, to the whole. The pure one is surrendered and humble. Not morally humble. It is existentially humble. Surrendering to the universe, which I decided to do, made me feel like I was gaining so much power, but I recognized that this power was NOT mine. It was NOT mine. It was of the whole, of the singularity. Surrendering your uniqueness gives you the power of the whole. That's purity.


    Fear of losing time and comedown

    Towards the end I start to feel so out of place, literally, that I was too afraid of going deeper. I could totally feel that I could go deeper, but I was too afraid to. Deeper into infinity. Deeper into oneness. Deeper into purity. It's TOO MUCH for me. So I start intentionally to practice monkey mind, listening to music and reflecting on my life. Sometimes I gain more humanness, but sometimes I become conscious of how I'm creating time and how I'm creating my lifestory (which is fiction) inside my head. So I freak out and start to do something else to distract. I notice that I tend to do automatic self inquiry in this trip, something I cannot stop because it seems part of the trip.


    Walk outside and total comedown

    At the end I decide to walk outside, and purposefully think. The presence is strong, so sometimes my mind goes blank and I feel a strong connection to everything xD After 40 min of walking I'm somehow out of the trip.


    2 hours of peak state, 1.5 hours of comedown. What the fuck. 

    Amazing experience but also really aggressive, especially the infinite waves. I guess I cannot smoke weed for relaxation and fun :/

  8. 6 hours ago, ardacigin said:

    @billiesimon Thats great. Are you still experiencing this understanding as a constant baseline or was this a one time state of insight realization that seems no longer possible to replicate?

    It was a temporary state, but my baseline of consciousness has gone up. My everyday consciousness is a bit higher now, and I reach a good level of concentration/presence a lot faster. I think that now it will be easier to reach no-self again. 

    I deeply feel that something subtle has changed. Today I did some self inquiry and I felt much closer to a state of samadhi, even though I did not reach it. 

    Objects/perceptions are a bit more real now and I can notice way more how unconscious my everyday life is. It's literally a walking daze. Some of us have no idea how unconscious life is :|

  9. 2 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

    I'd say that's a while without ego. what we meditate try to make happen more or less permanently. that is to say, you have stopped interpreting reality for a while, the energy that analyzes, evaluates, classifies, compares, has been silent for a few fucking minutes and it seemed to you that you were floating in the abyss since there was no handhold to hold on to, only reality. 

    Yes, exactly. 

    The ego/human identity creates distinctions and meaning. My life story and the world history were gone, and so all human meanings and labels. It was really pleasant because there's a huge silent freedom in this, and my consciousness was closer to truth than before.

  10. 4 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

    Sounds like you’re progressing well. I would like to point out that many of the elements of this report of events lines up with some insights into emptiness though. Seeing the liquidity of form is a stepping stone to seeing emptiness. Seeing no self is a stepping stone to emptiness. No self also goes deeper than ego death though. No self insight can eventually show the emptiness of the Atman (Self).

    Yes, I believe it was a blending of emptiness and oneness too.

    It's more an experience of Anatman (Anatta). There was no cosmic Self, just fusion with a silent experience. I am really interested in moving up towards the true Atman, which is more of a Hindu-style awakening. Anatman is the classic buddhist experience.

  11. 55 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

    If you fear it too much and it makes you not want to pursue spirituality anymore, expect a strong boomerang effect (i.e. it will come back even stronger), because when you let go of seeking at the right time, it has the chance to become your baseline state.

    I'm not giving up spirituality, I've worked for it for almost 4 years xD But I need to slow down because it was intense.

    Why does it come back stronger?

  12. 14 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    Good. What more is there to say?

    You're not dead though. There is no death.

    Well, I meant dead as a human ego. But I am once again in my human identity, it was just a temporary state.

    Well, I wanted to know if it is possible to go deeper with sober techniques :) since this was all "manual work".

  13. I have never experienced something like this, not even on psychedelics, even though I've had around 50 trips. I've been practicing sober inquiries for 4 years too.

    Today something exploded in me and reality got completely recontextualized and I am in a deep state of identitarian confusion now, I have trouble doing human stuff because I'm still in shock.


    @Leo Gura of course this is not the God realization you talk about, but this is the deepest I've had and the most shocking part is that it's completely sober and it has escalated SO QUICKLY.... I am scared now.

    Here it is:

    I went to a meditative walk three hours ago. I love doing Eckhart style walks, challenging myself to become more and more conscious of my perceptions, I allow thoughts but I treat them as normal perceptions, not too seriously.

    I managed to keep this deep concentration for an hour and an half, and when I reached home I was so present that every movement and perception was slowed down in time. Deep silence, there were thoughts but these thoughts were not different from the other perceptions, nothing personal.

    Time was slowed down, deep silence, and a deep sense of mystery and of flowing easily with life, no worries.

    I decide to lie down on my bed to relax in silence.

    I enter into a DEEP meditative state (closed eyes) where my senses become fluid and like some kind of psychedelic blend of perceptions. I MELT INTO MY OWN SENSES in darkness, it's a melting pot of thoughts, emotions, sounds, feelings, smells etc. Everything melts into undifferentiated senses.


    Time STOPS.


    Time stops.





    I wake up.

    I wake up but there is no billiesimon. I AM DEAD.

    I wake up, my body moves, I see the room, I am nowhere, I am in no time.

    FORMS ARE LIQUID, they are static but I deeply feel how liquid and mysterious they are. They are like clay, a clay I don't know how has the power to model.

    There is no identity, there is no one here, but forms. THERE ARE ONLY FORMS THERE IS NO ME!!!!!!! This bed, this wall, these hands, these are all true but there is no billiesimon here, it makes no sense!!!! There is no life here, only shapes and "perceptions" floating in the deep silence of NO-TIME.

    I am DEAD. I am dead. I am dead.




    After several minutes of staring deeply in love with these silent shapes, a voice comes up, finally.

    "Hey, hey, hey, this is not normal, billiesimon, please listen to me!!!"


    "Please remember."


    So.... my identity started to come back. I started to REMEMBER that I have a name, a past, a human agenda, a life-story, which seems quite imaginary now.


    In the end the voice GRASPS ME and BECOME ME. It's MAGIC.

    I've NEVER seen in my life formlessness become form (ego) in such a deep and clear way. I am a specific form now. I am billiesimon.


    "Oh my god what the fuck just happened?!?!? Am I insane?????" Fear and terror, but the deep silence and the "melting forms" sensation remains there, calming me. It's ok, it's just a thought, it's not real danger.


    I have no words to describe this, especially because it's completely sober, and it has escalated quite quickly (two hours at most), from a baseline common level of consciousness.

    I've had important glimpses on psychedelics, but this is another story because I've never had such a complete ego death with psychedelics.

    I was completely dead, yet I was so alive, because there were just Forms, there was no important distinctions between any form whatsoever, and time was COMPLETELY GONE. 

    Timeless forms, united. No personal self. I don't know how to interpret this because it's not an emptiness awakening, it's some kind of "melting distinctions into silent oneness".

    The sense of mystery completely OVERPOWERED ME. Inexplicable mystery. Reality is TOO REAL, I HAD NO IDEA that reality was SO REAL.

    It literally felt like reality was way beyond realness. It's insane. I hope my identity doesn't get damaged by this because I feel some kind of fearful backlash now.

    @Leo Gura sorry for the long read but this was devastating yet blissful to me. I have no word to describe how beautiful forms are in that state. Hope you have some advice xD

  14. 2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

    There is a logic to reality, but it is not the standard formal simplistic human logic of science.

    God's logic is not human logic.

    Plenty of philosophers believed that God = logos. I find this accurate in the sense that God is creating reality following an intelligent architecture and has a "plan" for all his experiences. 

  15. 6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

    The topic is understanding everything about Consciousness, Mind, and God.

    @Leo Gura I have been following you since the early self-inquiry videos, vedanta style (before 5-MeO), and I have seen an ever-evolving arc of deeper and deeper realizations. I have also benefited spiritually from you a lot. So the question arises: could there be a deeper, more awake, layer than God realization?

    And, I'll go as far as saying: could reality be an infinite regress? For example, under material reality there's nonduality, then there's God consciousness, then there's another material reality of which God is just a byproduct or a small insignificant component, then this deeper material reality has its own Oneness, then it has its own higher-order God etc etc etc in an infinite regress.

    Is it possible? it's still Infinity, if you think about it. The only problem with that is that invalidates the Self, because it might mean that even the Self, or Absolute I, is a fiction, or just a small sample of reality.

    What do you think?

  16. 45 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    What I mean is something much more twisted: Leo's body is actually an alien mouse when seen from the proper state of consciousness. The look of my body doesn't change, but you become so conscious that you simply start see yourself as an alien.

    Imagine awakening to the fact that you are not a human but an alien. But your physical appearance does not change.

    I think you're talking about radical recontextualization. I have experienced hardcore recontextualizations of objects and even my bedroom with salvia divinorum. The object remains the same but it has lost ALL human contexts, labels and perspectives. Is this what you mean?

    Also, this experience has some salvia vibes in it xD