I need some feedback on the awakening process?

[witpo44]

I’ve been on this journey without any guidance and I would really love some guidance from anyone who has the time and inclination to read this.

I’m a newbie to this forum and to the concept of awakening. After being an atheist/agnostic my whole adult life I spontaneously suspected I was missing something huge. I considered the possibility that I’m deluding myself. Maybe I’ve deluded myself to find comfort in the way that I assumed Christians/“believers” were deluding themselves to find comfort. My world has been rocked. This wasn’t an epiphany but just a suspicion. My skeptical brain needed “proof.”

In the 4 years since that first suspicion I’ve had glimpses through psychedelics and meditation and I feel completely scattered with all of it.  I’m INCOMPLETE. I feel like I might lose my mind if I don’t break the illusion. My intellect has decided there is an illusion to break. I’ve heard Leo say “turn the dial” but I just don’t know how.

I tried Bufo this past summer but can’t remember anything from the trip except complete euphoria and a feeling that I experienced something profound.

Without any huge breakthrough moments I feel love towards EVERYONE. I find myself mentally sending peace and love (essentially praying) to strangers around me. All of my constant worries about my children and their futures has subsided. I have a level of peace regarding worldly things. But, internally, I’m constantly searching for the “knowing” and “certainty.”

I understand that no one can offer me the magic pill for this. 

Here are the questions?

1. If we are God, why would God fall asleep to itself? Isn’t God complete without need for revolution?
2. I’m a 45 year old mom of 2 young teen boys. Sometimes I think having these answers will make me a better human, and in turn, a better mother. But I also wonder if I’m opening Pandora’s Box. I don’t know how my mothering or my relationship with my kids will be affected by this journey. I don’t feel grounded right now and my kids rely on ME to feel grounded. For those on the other side, would you hesitate on this journey in any way if you were mothering kids who still really need you? 

Thanks for your advice and insights. (Be honest, but gentle).

[Breakingthewall]

43 minutes ago, witpo44 said:

If we are God, why would God fall asleep to itself? Isn’t God complete without need for revolution?

If I where you, I would forget the need to understand. Understanding is something that sometimes arrives, in moments of dissolution, at certain levels, but when someone says that they understand exactly what reality is like and describe it in a structured way, I would say that they are completely deceiving themselves. Reality is life, it is depth, we must put aside the conceptual mind and open ourselves to it. The only answer I have found for why things are the way they are is because they are necessary for the movement of infinite reality. Is it possible to fully encompass and understand this infinite reality? I do not think so. But who knows where opening oneself to total infinity can lead. We have to lose fear, let go of all mental baggage and open ourself to the infinite constantly, flow with life, open our eyes, this is life flowing, spilling out. perceive the flow and be the flow. It is a perfect dance, capture its nuances, accept its challenges,  and each time be more open and see deeper. 

 

Apart from the increasingly fluid state of non-conceptual understanding of reality that occurs by being in direct contact with reality since you are reality, moments of total dissolution with drugs occur. For example, bufo as you said, 5meo DMT . it is a useful drug to force the breaking of mental barriers. My way of using it has been above all to take low doses to see the barriers, understand the structure of the psychological construction and be able to open it. It is like a bubble of mental flow supported by psychological structures. It is very interesting to see them from the front. I have also used it in high doses. When the moment come, you have to do, but if you do before, wouldn't be useful. You ve to follow your intuition. Here the goal is total awakening. It is opening yourself to the indescribable, to the total living depth that you really are. When you are you will say: hallelujah. you will be total. Your heart and mind will open, and the full glory of existence will manifest. It is the only way out for those like us. We must do it, or we will always go around and around. 

You could say that the prodigal son was wandering in the desert for a long time, he has finally returned home. but this is not the end, it's just the beginning

Edited November 28, 2023 by Breakingthewall

[CoolDreamThanks]

@witpo44

Firstly, be careful when you ask for advice on a forum from people who might be extremely deluded, whilst speaking with confidence, like the case above, as well as 99% of others here you will find, including the owner of the forum.  

 

Instead, read the Dissapearance of the Universe by Gary Renard and the book they mention there. If you are wise enough you will know that that book and others by the author speak true wisdom.  

Good luck. 

[Breakingthewall]

1 hour ago, witpo44 said:

I don’t feel grounded right now and my kids rely on ME to feel grounded. For those on the other side, would you hesitate on this journey in any way if you were mothering kids who still really need you? 

This path is largely about looking at yourself, seeing the reality of what it means to be human. Being human is a difficult challenge and the paths of deception and fear are inevitable. If you can be a mirror of truth in your kids, you will be doing them the best service, pushing them in the direction of truth. They are also on a path, far beyond the mundane. 

But I wouldn't talk about spirituality with them. In fact, I don't talk about this with anyone, not even with close people that I travel with or see every day, for that I use this forum. 

Edited November 28, 2023 by Breakingthewall

[Yimpa]

6 minutes ago, CoolDreamThanks said:

like the case above

Speaking to yourself, aren’t ya? 

[Hojo]

God falls asleep because it is literally a mind in a black void. Think about what it would be like to be concious in a dream and the dream just turned off but you remain concious what is there? Its a void of nothing. It has to fall asleep for anything to be experienced. Sort of like if your dream stopped and you were just in a black void you would have to start dreaming again for anything to happen.

God wakes up sees its a void of nothing it is complete it can dream of anything it wants but it has to go to sleep to dream and in the dream it can tell itself about itself that is what your life is. God telling itself about its current state if being. Like how your dreams can hold trinkets about this life

Edited November 28, 2023 by Hojo

[Yimpa]

58 minutes ago, witpo44 said:

If we are God, why would God fall asleep to itself? Isn’t God complete without need for revolution?

Same reason why God wakes up to itself. 

God can be complete or incomplete. Notice needing complete to be different than being incomplete in your mind. 
 

Quote

I’m a 45 year old mom of 2 young teen boys. Sometimes I think having these answers will make me a better human, and in turn, a better mother. But I also wonder if I’m opening Pandora’s Box. I don’t know how my mothering or my relationship with my kids will be affected by this journey. I don’t feel grounded right now and my kids rely on ME to feel grounded. For those on the other side, would you hesitate on this journey in any way if you were mothering kids who still really need you? 

Your children need you to be authentic. Showing your insecurities in a vulnerable and gentle way will benefit your children. No need to hide 

[witpo44]

36 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

If I where you, I would forget the need to understand. Understanding is something that sometimes arrives, in moments of dissolution, at certain levels, but when someone says that they understand exactly what reality is like and describe it in a structured way, I would say that they are completely deceiving themselves.

I think I understand what you mean. In some of my "mystical" experiences from deep meditation I feel panic or fear or anticipation and then I feel like my ego takes over and tries to fill in the blanks or distract me with my own expectations. Part of me wants to learn more so I can disrupt my thinking patterns but then I have to overcome the expectations. It feels like an impossibly narrow gap to enter. 

Thank you for all of your thoughts. 

[witpo44]

38 minutes ago, CoolDreamThanks said:

read the Dissapearance of the Universe by Gary Renard and the book they mention there.

Thank you for this! Adding it now.  

[Breakingthewall]

1 hour ago, witpo44 said:

feel panic or fear or anticipation and then I feel like my ego takes over and tries to fill in the blanks or distract me with my own expectations

The mental path to be able to open the alive abyss  in your mind with relative ease is more or less long. I would say 2 or 3 years with a constant intention, focused, eventually doing psychedelics a little intensively. It all depends on the purity of your approach to truth. It is something that practically no one achieves, the majority are deceived, mentally stagnant, like the guy above who recommends books to you, to increase your mental structure, change it for another. What you have to do is empty it, break the structures, open yourself completely to yourself, to the existence that is now. Forget stories and books, this is about facts, not readings.

Edited November 28, 2023 by Breakingthewall

[witpo44]

31 minutes ago, Hojo said:

It has to fall asleep for anything to be experienced.

Very interesting! You make it seem so simple.  

[Yimpa]

6 minutes ago, witpo44 said:

In some of my "mystical" experiences from deep meditation I feel panic or fear or anticipation and then I feel like my ego takes over and tries to fill in the blanks or distract me with my own expectations.

I relate to this. It’s as if my mind is communicating that which is wanting to be expressed more fully. Resisting this intuition does bring endless resistances and doubts. 

[Princess Arabia]

57 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

If I where you, I would forget the need to understand

Dropping the need for understanding is the flip side of dropping the need for explanations. Can't have one without the other.

[Yimpa]

7 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

It is something that practically no one achieves, the majority are deceived, mentally stagnant, like the guy upstairs who recommends books to you, to increase your mental structure, change it for another.

I just walked from my bedroom that’s upstairs to my kitchen downstairs.

Now I’m looking for my enlightenment… I can smell its aroma nearby.

Enlightenment, I’m gonna eat you up!

[Breakingthewall]

43 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

Dropping the need for understanding is the flip side of dropping the need for explanations. Can't have one without the other.

It is inevitable to want to understand, and non-conceptual understanding is possible, but I believe that we must forget conceptual understanding because it is misleading, it creates structures, we must be able to forget the need to understand and just open up, and sometimes non-conceptual understanding occurs.  

It is important to understand the structures, how we create the mental bubble, but the understanding of reality, why this experience is like that, if others exist and how, etc., well, better be skeptical, it is unnecessary to understand that, the important is the opening

Edited November 28, 2023 by Breakingthewall

[Hojo]

@witpo44  it is the most interesting thing in the universe

[witpo44]

8 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

But I wouldn't talk about spirituality with them. In fact, I don't talk about this with anyone, not even with close people that I travel with or see every day, for that I use this forum. 

I totally get this. My 180 on being open to spirituality gave them whiplash and they really freaked out when I started meditating. It scared them. I'm figuring out how to keep it personal. 

[witpo44]

8 hours ago, Yimpa said:

I relate to this. It’s as if my mind is communicating that which is wanting to be expressed more fully. Resisting this intuition does bring endless resistances and doubts

YES!

[An young being]

14 hours ago, witpo44 said:

Without any huge breakthrough moments I feel love towards EVERYONE. I find myself mentally sending peace and love (essentially praying) to strangers around me. All of my constant worries about my children and their futures has subsided. I have a level of peace regarding worldly things. But, internally, I’m constantly searching for the “knowing” and “certainty.”

These are all some side effects of the awakening process. But don't keep awakening at a pedestal, for its not, and when done so, can create delusions.

[Breakingthewall]

In this forum people think that awakening is realizing how things are, like you are God, you are creating reality, others are not real, why you create reality, those things. All of that in my opinion is crazy, awakening is opening yourself to what you really are, to the substance of reality, the unlimited alive. open your mind to yourself, and to do this you have to dissolve all mental structures, free your mind, empty it, lose fear. Very few here does that, but rather they want to fill it with other, different and better ideas.  

This happens because they are followers of Leo Gura, who makes videos explaining what reality is like. people watch them and believe their content and think they are enlightened, like a religion. It is impossible to get them out of their belief, they do not meditate, and sometimes they do psychedelics and say: I did 5meo dmt and I realized that I am God creating reality and I am imagining Leo to help me wake up (without the slightest suspect about if they are coping the awakening in the videos). It would be funny if it weren't disturbing.

This is not a forum for awakening, in the sense that few things that are said here are useful, but it is necessary to communicate and it is difficult to find people interested in spirituality.

Edited November 29, 2023 by Breakingthewall