If life was an empty canvas

[Hibahere]

If life was an empty canvas I could paint, paint and paint until my arms cramped..........

Its not. It's pain and suffering. A few months ago i used to be a wise wise girl because life didn't throw any particular burdens at me. I laugh when I recall that I once used to be so cool. Seasons changed and layers upon layers of me shed apart, crumbling to ashes. Out came the needy, the vulnerable, the desperate, the cry for help, the one that needs certainty, the one that has panick attacks, the one that can't function and the one that's yearning for love. 

Failed attempts to make others understand what I am going through, turning to therapists would never help as well. Trauma upon trauma from generations seeped into my frail being, being screamed at every day, being emotionally abused, health anxiety, horrific symptoms, traumas surrounding love and relationships, and now im here.......at my weakest, listening to cigarettes after sex. Anxiety blowing my core away, days upon days with pain in my chest from the rushes of adrenaline. Can life get harder than this? Will it ever get better? I never imagined. Deep shadows seeping out from my skin into awareness, showing up in my dreams as blood spewing out from by body. Repressed for years. Plagued with anxiety....

I sometimes think....what if I can no longer bear the burden, what if I can no longer take the pain and what if it gets worse, wat if I never see the light at the end of the tunnel....It's a bummer but I might have to end it all, cut it short and go back to where I belong.

 

[HMD]

1 hour ago, Hibahere said:

and go back to where I belong

Would you be a lamb and invite me as well? 

[Hibahere]

@HMD done ?

[Osaid]

First, I wanna say that it's really admirable that you are posting this despite everything you've gone through. It's commendable that you're still hanging on, that takes a lot of strength. There's also nothing wrong with feeling bad or having trauma or anxiety, these are all perfectly normal reactions to what you currently think you are perceiving. It might seem like a discrepancy when you're feeling scared whereas everyone around you is acting normal, but that's just because you're perceiving things differently, so it makes sense for you.

Right now you're in a compulsive state, and this state triggers many different thoughts about reality. Your previous state had more hopeful thoughts. Your current state, maybe not so much. But, there is this aspect to reality of "change." Things can change. You experience it all the time. And intuitively, maybe some part of you senses that there is "more" or there is "potential", which is why you are still here. That part of you that existed in the previous canvas still exists, and it is trying to return, so to speak. That part needs lots of love from you in order to be nurtured back to health again. And, deep down, you really do love that part of yourself, no matter what anyone says about it, no matter how harshly it was treated, it's one of the most important things to you, and it's not hard for you to love it, because it is you, and so you understand it fully, and so it's not hard at all for you to love it.

You might have developed assumptions about reality and yourself as a defense mechanism. You might assume that reality is unkind. That reality doesn't love you. That you can't be loved. That you're broken. And so on. And all of these assumptions and feelings come very naturally to you right now, because you are in a compulsive state. But, there was a moment where you weren't like this, and so there is that potential for change there. 

There are maybe some moments that you remember, or experience from time to time, where you forget or stop perceiving any of this. Maybe when you go for a walk, or hang out with your friends. These moments are really important from bring you out of that compulsive state I mentioned before and helping you think clearly. The way you feel in those moments can be made into something 24/7, and you can even make permanent positive changes to your life from those moments. Suddenly, things don't feel as hard anymore. There are moments like that. And these moments hint at the real YOU, which is absent from the newfound memories or assumptions or thoughts about yourself. You slip into this state sometimes.

If anything I said was off or didn't feel accurate, that is fine. My main point or sentiment is just that you are stronger than you think, and that you are more loving than you think, and that you always have the potential to change, even if it's just going for a walk, or going to a cafe. And that these actions keep you in touch with the old you, which is not actually old, it is present right now, but it is clouded by assumptions and memories and judgments.

 

 

Edited August 24, 2023 by Osaid

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiAr3Hgbv60

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PK_sWWUvMjU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6ElQ9y5qQ0

Edited August 23, 2023 by Raze

[Hibahere]

@Osaid this moved me truly. I felt understood and appreciated after reading your reply. I have no words, thanks for making my day. :")

[Princess Arabia]

23 hours ago, Osaid said:

First, I wanna say that it's really admirable that you are posting this despite everything you've gone through. It's commendable that you're still hanging on, that takes a lot of strength. There's also nothing wrong with feeling bad or having trauma or anxiety, these are all perfectly normal reactions to what you currently think you are perceiving. It might seem like a discrepancy when you're feeling scared whereas everyone around you is acting normal, but that's just because you're perceiving things differently, so it makes sense for you.

Right now you're in a compulsive state, and this state triggers many different thoughts about reality. Your previous state had more hopeful thoughts. Your current state, maybe not so much. But, there is this aspect to reality of "change." Things can change. You experience it all the time. And intuitively, maybe some part of you senses that there is "more" or there is "potential", which is why you are still here. That part of you that existed in the previous canvas still exists, and it is trying to return, so to speak. That part needs lots of love from you in order to be nurtured back to health again. And, deep down, you really do love that part of yourself, no matter what anyone says about it, no matter how harshly it was treated, it's one of the most important things to you, and it's not hard for you to love it, because it is you, and so you understand it fully, and so it's not hard at all for you to love it.

You might have developed assumptions about reality and yourself as a defense mechanism. You might assume that reality is unkind. That reality doesn't love you. That you can't be loved. That you're broken. And so on. And all of these assumptions and feelings come very naturally to you right now, because you are in a compulsive state. But, there was a moment where you weren't like this, and so there is that potential for change there. 

There are maybe some moments that you remember, or experience from time to time, where you forget or stop perceiving any of this. Maybe when you go for a walk, or hang out with your friends. These moments are really important from bring you out of that compulsive state I mentioned before and helping you think clearly. The way you feel in those moments can be made into something 24/7, and you can even make permanent positive changes to your life from those moments. Suddenly, things don't feel as hard anymore. There are moments like that. And these moments hint at the real YOU, which is absent from the newfound memories or assumptions or thoughts about yourself. You slip into this state sometimes.

If anything I said was off or didn't feel accurate, that is fine. My main point or sentiment is just that you are stronger than you think, and that you are more loving than you think, and that you always have the potential to change, even if it's just going for a walk, or going to a cafe. And that these actions keep you in touch with the old you, which is not actually old, it is present right now, but it is clouded by assumptions and memories and judgments.

 

 

This was very inspiring. This, sometimes, is what we need to hear to bring us back to presence. To remind us, inspire us, motivate us. Not complaints. This truly resonated and the Universe has a sneaky little way of sending us messages. Your posts are truly inspirational.

 

 

[Osaid]

1 hour ago, Hibahere said:

this moved me truly. I felt understood and appreciated after reading your reply. I have no words, thanks for making my day. :")

Aw, that makes me happy :)

 

[Osaid]

34 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

This was very inspiring. This, sometimes, is what we need to hear to bring us back to presence. To remind us, inspire us, motivate us. Not complaints. This truly resonated and the Universe has a sneaky little way of sending us messages. Your posts are truly inspirational.

❤️

[TheCloud]

@Hibahere The first thought I have is that you need to take care of yourself.  Are you eating regularly, and drinking enough water?  Are you sleeping properly?  Do you move your body every day, at least going for a walk if not exercise or sports?  Doing these things properly is not a panacea that will resolve your deep emotional issues, but if you're starving, dehydrated, exhausted, and immobile, your resources to confront your deeper issues will be depleted.  This will send you in a downward spiral that could be stalled just by eating a proper meal and taking a walk.  If you're taking good care of yourself, then that's good, but if you're not, then my suggestion is that you start there.  Your emotional problems are things that you can solve, if you give yourself the resources to do so.

[Hibahere]

@TheCloud thanks for your consideration:). I gym 5 to 6 days a week...I do eat well and sleep well the main issue is just the other mental and emotional side of the problem