Trouble Connecting With People

[Afonso]

I've always had problems in the human realm ever since I was a child. My dad was always angry and I tried hard to please him and not make him upset. I was a big mamma's boy and was often seeking attention from her. Early in my childhood, I didn't get along with people. I either craved attention or got into fights and heated discussions with people. I never had a real friend. Whenever I had one, somehow I would mess things up or do something mean to him. I always got into trouble with people in school, extra-curricular activities, holidays activities, whatever. I spent thousands of hours alone, in the computer, since I was three years old. I used to spend lots of hours in "social" games where you are a little character and you can interact with other people. I was often rejected and got into trouble with the other players (I know it sounds silly). Basically, I never had successful, meaningful or enjoyable relationships with people for long periods of time.

Nowadays, I spend most of my time alone. I'm not as violent or as trouble-making as I used to be. However, I still find that some patterns are deep rooted in my behavior with people.

For example, I always have the impulse to seek attention. It's like this craving that fills my entire system. It reveals itself in telling a story about what I've done or accomplished, some silly joke, some comment or opinion. I'm extremely aware of it, even though it comes out spontaneously.

I can't seem to really connect with people because I either crave too much attention and push them away, I can't make them comfortable, I lose interest or begin resenting them. It's really crazy how this happens (I don't know how it happens). In addition, I feel drained after longer than 30-min interactions (and I can sense that the other person feels like this too and we start losing interest in each other).

Basically, I can't seem to form relationships with people. I have always ignored this issue, isolating myself in the computer, or being a lone-wolf but it eventually comes bite my in the ass, as Leo likes to say.

The problem is, I'm not even certain what the problem really is. Sometimes I think it's attention seeking, other times lacking of social skills, other times trying too hard, other times not trying enough, other times being an introvert...

Let me clarify that I'm not shy. I can interact with people pretty well and get along in social gatherings. But I have a really hard time making friends last or relationships that go somewhere. If you talked to me, you probably wouldn't expect me to have any social problems.

I have hope that it's possible to make friendships and relationships stronger and more meaningful. I'm just unaware of how to develop myself to get there.

I thought of immersing myself in social situations for, let's say, 1 whole month - interacting with people all day (maybe in a job or paid summer activities).

Would this be a reasonable and worthy way of improving this aspect of my life?

Should I expect the problem to evaporate with my meditation habit?

What books or advice you guys have for me?

Thanks.

[jjer94]

We have a lot in common, friend.

We are not as much afraid of people as we are afraid of rejection. Rejection reflects back to us deep inner feelings of deficiency. You know that deep-seated feeling that something is wrong with you? It's a bad feeling. We people-pleasers don't like to feel it. So we avoid those feelings by trying to get everyone to like us. It's tiring work, isn't it? Kind of makes you want to...slink away to the computer?

I wrote a couple snippets here and here that may relate to your issues.

As for practical advice, I'd say this:

• Don't fight it. Learn to understand it first. It's not a problem; it's a protection mechanism. Be gentle. Journaling helped me.
• Sneak up behind it.  Instead of approaching it like a new-years-resolutioner would (I'm going to hit the gym three hours per day and eat super healthy!), make it a second priority. First priority is doing things that you actually want to do. Friends will come as a side effect.
• Start small. Whatever skills you're trying to master, keep going. Join clubs related to those skills. Maybe there's a zen/meditation group around town you can join? You'd meet lots of people there. Socializing becomes a lot less terrifying when you have something in common with the other person. It'll be a safer environment to work on your people-pleasing. Then, take the leap! Anyone you find genuinely interesting, ask them to hang out.
• Ask yourself what you want from the other person. Social anxiety is due to wanting a certain social outcome. What do you want from the other person? It's best to ask this while you're conversing. Your answer may not even come in words.
• Be PATIENT. This is a decades-long neurosis you're dealing with.
• Join an improv class. I did this recently. It's one of the best decisions I've made.
• You don't have to be a social butterfly. We're still introverts. We still prefer solitude. Don't let anybody tell you that you have to be social a certain number of times per week.

The last thing I want to say is a reminder.

I know your culture may tell you otherwise, but it's okay to be you.

Cheers!

[Bodhi123]

1 hour ago, Afonso said:

Basically, I never had successful, meaningful or enjoyable relationships with people for long periods of time.

Relationships are about forming a bond between you and another person. Generally these bonds are formed by sharing and reciprocity. For example, you share some information about yourself and they share some information about themselves. Also, you can "hang-out" with them and this creates a shared-experience between the two of you.

Over time this sharing of information and shared-experiences are the basis of your relationship.

1 hour ago, Afonso said:

I can't make them comfortable

This is key. If a person is uncomfortable around you then he or she isn't going want to open up to you or spend time with you.

My advice: be relaxed, be confident, seek out people that share your interests, and just talk to them.

Have fun.

[Loreena]

Look for people who are genuinely interested in you. Feel free and relaxed. Relationships depend on a lot of factors, not just related to you but also related to the person you're sharing the bond with. 

[alyra]

well idk about for you and your history but for me. idk I can't really identify why I have difficulty with humans yet. and in many ways I'm actually quite excellent at interacting, but it's kind of... it isn't what is needed in other ways. idk. 

 

but what I've done in this past year is worked on becoming self-reliant, that when I am in a foul mood I am able to negotiate with it myself without need of others. it isn't the best thing because it truly is wonderful to have person-to-person contacts and I do still try to find them when I can. but the difference is that I'm working on being stable without what I find best. being stable because of myself, being satisfied with my self, and focusing on things in ways which keep me moving, because when I am in motion I am not wallowing and that is what I need most really. sometimes I wallow but when I do I am mindful of the fact that I'm choosing it. 

Edited March 9, 2017 by aryberry

[AstralProjection]

Afonso thank you for sharing your story, though it's a bit long. I think I can help. I deal with similar but different problems. I am an introvert, and I don't care about talking with people as much as I use to. Anyway you have to learn to get out there and push your social limits in order to grow. I suggest you go to http://www.meetup.com/ and find some hobbies that you can share with others to learn and grow with others together in. For your situation though you would really benefit from something like the mac and cheese events. LOL Don't worry it has nothing to do with mac and cheese. LOL Check it out here. https://macncheeseproductions.com/ Also you should have a baseline of new and interesting things to talk about to others. Things that they can relate to. Like art or exercising just different things that you can use to talk about. Also you should get stories you can use over and over again on different people that help teach them and convey what kind of personality you have in a funny and interesting way. A great book that helps with this is called "Superhuman Social Skills: A Guide to Being Likable, Winning Friends, and Building Your Social Circle." And I must say I have learned quite a bit of social skills for women from PUA and seduction. Though you must be very careful to not get too identified with a lot of their philosophies because they will pull down your consciousness to just thinking about women and sex. So their limited but they are very good at teaching you how to get women to talk to you and what you can talk about with them without scaring women off.  Hope that helps.

[AstralProjection]

Oh and one more thing you might want to micro-dose psychedelics for the emotional spiritual side of your issues. Microdosing psychedelics has become increasingly popular, and this is much more manageable then a full dose 5-meo-dmt trip to infinity like Leo did. LOL It's sub-perceptual. so you won't even notice any visuals or anything like that. Just a mood boost. Personally I like a semi-perceptual dose, It's something I've done before with shrooms. When I did it I cried a natural cry to some music. It just sounded so beautiful and almost always have sweet dreams when I micro-dose. This seems like something Leo might actually do and talk about in the future. I am just beating him to the punch. LOL 

[JessicaZ]

I can definitely relate a lot to what you are saying. Since I was a young child, I felt like I would always ruin every social situation I got in in some way, whether it was being misunderstood or arguing about something. I thought that something was wrong with me, which resulted in years of depression. I also craved a lot of attention and when a person showed me slightly less attention than usual, I would get super anxious and annoy them with questions. I don't know about you, but for me, I realized that my problems were a result of not paying enough attention to the people I was reacting with. I was trying to have people understand me without understanding them first. We talk to people so we can learn from them, about our bad habits and ourselves. As we pay more attention to how they act around us , we change in subtle ways. However, if one person is growing or changing at a different pace than others, conflicts arise. I don't think my conflicts came from not being surrounded by enough people; instead, I think I needed to work on myself. For me, meditation significantly helped my problem. It really helped me get my thoughts and calm down around people. Also, I still craved attention from people, but I became more and more aware about how I didn't need that. I began to relax more, and saw every social mistake as an opportunity to grow.

I think meditation will help alleviate your problems with people. I suggest that you try to calm down, tell yourself that it's okay to feel the way you do, know your needs and wants and balance everything in your life: socialize sometimes but also find time for yourself when you need it, and have faith that things will get better.

I wish you the best!!

[Wyatt]

Long story short, I've had issues with connecting with others for a large portion of my existence. Starting and maintaining meaningful relationships is difficult for everyone!

One key piece of advice that has helped me was to look at all my notions, presumptions, and opinions about pieces of reality I'm interested in (science, sports, nature, movies, history, etc.) and to write them down. It will not only give you interesting things to talk about, but then the other person or people you talk to will hopefully be inspired to share their views and feelings on the subject. The key is, you have to listen carefully and be genuinely interested in their views without needing to defend your own. This is a great technique for understanding others, connecting with them, and expanding your own understanding of the world through communication.

Hope this helps