Rebounds after breakups. Can they be healthy?

[Cocolove]

Are rebounds healthy? I've been researching it a lot and so I think its worth starting a thread as I really would like some opinions. Personal story here but also just wondering in general the answer to this question.

 

Me and my girlfriend of 3 years broke up  and I was doing very terrible and thought it might help me move on to sleep with someone else, so I did 1 day after. Then I did with her and another girl a few times each over the next few weeks. I feel like it was very unhealthy.

1: I hurt the person i cared very much about and still loved more than anyone for years, it was selfish and disrespectful.

2 I didn't process my feelings, I was just doing whatever I could to distract myself and convinced myself it would help me realize that she hadn't been special. In reality it made me feel horrible about everything overall and like noone could compare to my ex.

3 It promotes codependence instead of independence. You are using someone else to try and be okay again instead of putting in the hard emotional labor of grieving for months before you can be ok on your own.

 

So I've kind of been against rebounds. But now I am wondering if there is a context they can be healthy in. There are lots of controversial opinions that are hard to pick through. This article claims to be 'scientific' https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/healthy-rebound-relationships/2025781#:~:text=Next time you're just,shift your mentality toward viewing

"If you can't find anyone who even comes close to your ex, and you find yourself needing a distraction of any sort — emotional or physical — take some time to yourself."

but also: "The research indicates that people who entered into a rebound relationship more quickly than others had greater overall mental and physical health, confidence in their desirability, and resolution toward their previous relationship."

 

So I'm wondering from a self-actualization perspective what you all think. I've been focusing on doing things for myself, meditating, 10 other daily habits, surfing daily, not distracting myself from my feelings, lots and lots of crying. We got back together for a month and this time we broke up 2 weeks ago, because she couldn't get over what I had done while we were apart, even though are other problems have been resolved in a very healthy way. 

So I think for now a rebound is definetely not for me. For all the reasons above, plus I feel disgusted by the idea of doing that again. Even though it is so hard I feel like I really need to process my feelings.

 

[Roy]

Rebounding so soon is unhealthy. Have some sense and wait a month at least. Have the emotional intelligence to allow yourself to process things. You don't need to be perfectly ready for the next person, but at least have the decency to not drag baggage from your past relationship into the new one.

If a girl can't help but bring up her ex or past relationships on a first date, that's an instant red flag to discourage me from wanting to see her again.

I'm also strongly against getting back together with an ex. As a principle and rule I believe you should never do it. The relationship either works for life or it doesn't, there is no in-between. Once you lose that spark you should never consider them an option again. I am for remaining respectful friends though.

The journey of life is to grow, process, and integrate experiences. In my opinion you can't do that properly trying to rekindle dead flames. It shows a lack of self-respect and giving into fear of moving forward into the unknown.

It's like smoking or something else unhealthy to me. Do it if you want to, that's your freedom. But I don't want to hear you bitch about the consequences either.

 

[flowboy]

• I've "rebounded" in my earlier relationships and that led to other great things. The next relationship. Or sometimes not. Sometimes I was in a broken space and nobody wanted to come near my needy ass. But who cares. The pity fucks I got here and there were still mutually beneficial. Nothing wrong with a bit of comforting each other.
• I've gotten back together with an ex and it was the best decision I've ever made in my love life.

Making rules about these things is a silly ego game.

Just trust your judgment on a per-situation basis, and hone it.

Edited February 1, 2023 by flowboy

[Globalcollective]

There is no fixed rule, depends on the reason why. Maybe you come out of a relationship that wasn't very good for you and you meet someone who fulfills you more. But if you were deeply in love with the person makes sense to jusr wait abit and heal. 

Meditation retreats are so good for break ups 

[integral]

It's situational, if it was emotionally very difficult like in the situation you were in then you need a rebound. If you feel ok about it and feel the need to be alone then be alone. But the rebound should be a good prospect, not a one-night stand, but if that's what you need and it resolves the issue then do that. You can be in a new relationship while still greaving about the previous one and slowly the outlook improves and you feel better. 

Sitting there bitter about what happened, and sad for months will not help and you won't get over it. Making things worse you'll see them with someone else. So in practice, you have to block her on everything and make sure not to check because if you do that will cause flash back depression like an addict. Its also important to remove all gifts or memories of her, like pictures on phone.

Edited February 1, 2023 by integral

[Cocolove]

 

@Roy Yea definetely waiting a month at a bare minimum makes sense, but other than time, how would you say you are emotionally ready. Obviously you don't need to be totally moved on, but you should also probably be mostly recovered, to the point where you are okay on your own and don't need someone else to make you feel better.

@flowboy Yea makes sense. I just made another thread about getting back with an ex and I agree it depends on the context. What about hurting the person who still loves you by doing things right away?

@GlobalcollectiveReally are they? because I know that it can be harmful to throw yourself into work or working out or being busy all the time, compared to just crying. I imagine it could be if you really feel your feelings and stuff, but what about if you are using meditation to avoid feeling feelings and do something very difficult with your focus.

 

[Cocolove]

9 hours ago, integral said:

So in practice, you have to block her on everything and make sure not to check because if you do that will cause flash back depression like an addict. Its also important to remove all gifts or memories of her, like pictures on phone.

Oh god neither of us are doing that. She wants to stay friends very badly and i do because I hope things work out between us. She hopes that we can get back together once she is not constantly obsessing over the people I was with while we were broken up.

 

9 hours ago, integral said:

 

Sitting there bitter about what happened, and sad for months will not help and you won't get over it. Making things worse you'll see them with someone else. 

So many mixed opinions wow. I need to find balance I think. Process my emotions while im still deeply greiving but not sit around waiting hoping we get back together and being alone and sad.

 

 

 

9 hours ago, integral said:

It's situational, if it was emotionally very difficult like in the situation you were in then you need a rebound. If you feel ok about it and feel the need to be alone then be alone. But the rebound should be a good prospect, not a one-night stand, but if that's what you need and it resolves the issue then do that. You can be in a new relationship while still greaving about the previous one and slowly the outlook improves and you feel better. 

I've noticed in the past for short term like 3 month relationships rebounds really did work. I think I should have felt my pain a bit more but they really helped me feel better and get to a point where I totally didn't care about what had happened with the previous person. Even when they didn't work out or were just short and stupid, then I felt okay from the real breakup. 

But this time things were different. I had a lot to grieve, after living together for years and planning our lives together. It's not the type of thing that can be replaced. If anything the rebounds made me feel after a few weeks that noone would compare to her (so we got back together). It also hurt her which I feel horrible about, and made it so us getting back together couldn't work.

[flowboy]

5 hours ago, Cocolove said:

Yea makes sense. I just made another thread about getting back with an ex and I agree it depends on the context. What about hurting the person who still loves you by doing things right away?

You can't be responsible for someone else's feelings. That's codependency.

You can make agreements to do or not do certain things so that the other can feel good and safe. That's a relationship.

No relationship, no agreement.

Edited February 2, 2023 by flowboy

[Cocolove]

@flowboy Even if you broke up with them after 2.5 years? In all fairness it was after trying everything to avoid it, but once it happens obviously it would hurt the other to do that right away, what about waiting so it doesnt make things worse for either person while they are in crisis?

[Globalcollective]

@Cocolove Exactly you have to feel and process, I mean yeah you can avoid possibly through meditation but when your stuck on a 10 day silent retreat its very hard to avoid how your feeling. They worked absolute wonders for me, almost miraculously. But I understand everyone is different and every situation is different but its worth investigating. 

 

Edited February 3, 2023 by Globalcollective

[flowboy]

@Cocolove  It's much better to assess these things moment by moment, than trying to determine what the rule should be.

I'm just saying: if you don't have a relationship currently, you have no obligation.

Can you be considerate? Sure. If you can take it or leave it, choose the option that won't upset people.

However both people are hurting after a breakup, and both people should take care of themselves first, put their own oxygen mask on before helping others, so to speak.

If finding comfort in someone's arms (or legs) is what you need in that moment, to soothe your hurting soul, then I would say that should come before wondering what anyone else would feel about that.

That's just healthy selfishness.