Non-attachment Relationship With An Addict

[Perfecitonista]

I am living with a very sweet man who happens to be an alcoholic with a severe addiction. Most of the time we have a good and well functioning relationship with deep talks, love and laughs. But a few times a year he disappears and get drunk. The last two times the police have found him out on the streets some days later in a bad condition, and he has been transported to the emergency unit at the hospital. And some months ago I found him between life and death after an overdose. 

This is a man that I love and I have spent many hours thinking about my role and attitude in this situation. He often tell me that I shouldn´t care about him when he is out and drunk, but that is incredible hard. There is nothing I can do about his addiction and decisions and I think he is trying to do his best to overcome it. 

I have been thinking a lot about non-attachment and unconditional happiness lately. Maybe this is a lesson I have to learn and that the most beautiful thing I can do is to let him live his life without blaming. The alternative would be to leave him but I can´t see why that would be a better solution. 

Anyone who has thougths on this and/or experiences to share? 

 

 

 

[ajasatya]

@Perfecitonista you cannot change him but you can make your choices according to the kind of life you want to yourself. do you want to have kids and grandkids?

if i were in your place, i wouldn't stay with him if the answer for the question above is "yes". responsibility, health & wellbeing are too important in this case.

remember, you're going to die. do not forget this little detail. you are going to die. it's your life that's passing by. always ask what kinds of relationships you want to cultivate.

[Perfecitonista]

@ajasatya

Thank you! You have a good point, it is about the kind of life want to have in the future and my life today and sure, his addiction takes a lot of my energy. When he is lost and drunk I become anxious and worried but is that my responsibility? Maybe it is because it is my reaction and my thougths. Would it be possible to let these feelings pass? I am trying to be present and not focus on negative thoughts but, oh, that is though. 

I don´t plan to have children in the future because it is not my priority and he is my family now. But it is a bit hard to make any future plans under the circumstances. The best thing would maybe be to create my own plans and live my life and still love him and be with him but it is a practical problem to create plans with him, for exapmle go travelling if he suddently drop out. 

[ajasatya]

3 minutes ago, Perfecitonista said:

When he is lost and drunk I become anxious and worried but is that my responsibility? Maybe it is because it is my reaction and my thougths. Would it be possible to let these feelings pass?

no, it's not possible because you're trying to deepen a relationship. for such thing to happen, BOTH participants need to be ready to go deep into themselves.

i don't know about you, even though i suspect that you have deep unhealed wounds too since you're with him. but he doesn't seem to be willing to go that deep and heal his wounds. you see, alcoholism doesn't come up from nowhere.

i don't stay on the surface. my words pierce hearts, which should hurt. how can you be so sure that you love him? why do you think that you deserve it?

[jjer94]

From my perspective, your relationship is a red flag. 

It took me years to realize that I tried to "fix" my friends in order to deny my own deficiencies. I thought I was so noble and giving, helping out my friends, dishing out advice from all the books I've read. What I was really doing was running away from the self-hatred boogeyman. I figured, if I could act as a paragon for others, then maybe with enough external approval I wouldn't hate myself anymore. That never worked.

All of those friends? They're no longer my friends. I ruined every single one of those relationships. 

If you relate to this anecdote, I suggest extreme self-honesty. Ask the difficult questions you don't want to ask:

Do you really love him? Or are you afraid of losing him? Are you afraid that if he's gone, you'll have nobody to fix, and you'll have to be alone with your feelings?

Are you using spirituality and "unconditional love" as a way to justify staying with him? Do you secretly not want to be with him?

Do you like yourself? Are you putting his needs before yours in order to feel better about yourself?

Another thing I've learned: trying to control other people is like trying to grab at whizzing clouds. Maybe you've already figured that out.

All the best.

[aurum]

7 hours ago, Perfecitonista said:

have been thinking a lot about non-attachment and unconditional happiness lately. Maybe this is a lesson I have to learn and that the most beautiful thing I can do is to let him live his life without blaming.

Careful here. It's very easy to rationalize that you're showing unconditional love when you're really just trying to ignore / forget about a problem.

These are not at all the same thing.

You can love someone unconditional at a deep level just for what they are (infinity / God / You) and simultaneously realize that they are not someone you should have in your life.

The harsh questions I would have you ask yourself: is this someone who will benefit your growth long term? What needs does this person fulfill for you, and how might these needs be skewing your judgement?