To Rent or Not to Rent (and family matters)

[CodyXarex]

A family member that I'm reconnecting with helped me get a government job that I never thought I'd work, helped me (and kind of pressured me to) get a car that serves me well but isn't what I need for my lifestyle, hobbies, and pursuits (but is still a good vehicle), I'm living in a place that I hate, and I'm trying to decide whether to live with my father and use all the money I'm making to put a small home or RV on my father's property, which could take awhile and still might involve family issues, or rent an apartment, which would be throwing away money, but would give me the space I need to be alone, break old toxic habits, challenge old toxic beliefs that I picked up from my father (like NEEDING to move abroad), and break my codependency with him.

My main concern with renting an apartment so soon is that, if this job doesn't work out, or I decide that after working it for six months that I want to move and take another job, then I'll have a lot less money to work with (unless I work a lot of extra overtime), and I'll have to break the lease and go through a lot of extra trouble that could just make things harder for me in the future.

I've accepted that this year is just going to suck, and that part of it sucking is having to live with and deal with family members and issues that I'd rather not, but may get better if I give them attention, and with time.

It might be the case that I have to spend a year or more at this job, or that I may WANT to stay in the South or strike some balance between my family, and the life I want here. but I don't know any of that yet. What I DO know, is that I'm going to be 30 in three years. 6-12 months is a long time to spend in a place I don't like and that makes me feel lonely, just to try and make my family happy, considering I'm going to be 30 so soon, and that there are several other places I could live and would prefer to live than here.

Yeah life in the US is getting way more expensive, but I wonder what other possibilities are there? Living on the border? Living out of an RV or camper? Moving abroad, which is tricky because it's something that I really like the idea of, but my father talks to me and pressures me about it so much I can't tell if it's really what I want or what HE wants. I still feel as if the US has a lot more to offer but I don't know how to see it all.

However I shouldn't discount my job and the benefits and options it gives me, and I believe it is best for me to operate within that framework at least until I create other means of making a living.

I think living 6-12 hours away from family or a 2-4 hour flight away is plenty of time if I have a job that gives 3-day weekends, but if my family could have it their way, I'd just live 30 minutes away.

The only thing that comforts me about these decisions is that, I think the only things in my life that might be my life purpose, the only things I feel I would regret NOT doing on my deathbed, is writing stories and creating music. And I can do that while living out of a car if I had to. All I need is an instrument, and a computer, and access to a recording studio when it comes time to record the songs. So I feel like I have a little more room for error in terms of life and lifestyle choices than someone who say, wants to become a scientist, or start a million-dollar business, or become a Navy SEAL.

But maybe that room for error is an illusion.

I just wish I knew why am I so afraid of disappointing or leaving my family behind. It seems like every time I try to leave them I end up right back to them, and every time I try to do what I think would make them more happy, I end up making myself miserable.

I wrote a lot more about this but I'm condensing it all down to 3-6 brief paragraphs as much as possible.

Edited June 28, 2022 by CodyXarex

[Yarco]

I've generally found that doing things halfway leads to unfavorable outcomes.

If you're going to spend the next year saving up money, I'd use it to break free of living with your family entirely. If you put an RV or home on your father's land, you're still going to be held emotionally + financially hostage in some way. Unless you get him to do a land severance and sell the land to you so it's 100% your property. Otherwise you'll always have the "you're on my property" situation hanging over your head. Even then, you probably don't want to live within shouting distance of his house.

Try to minimize the suck for the next year. Spending as little time as possible at home might help. Even just giving yourself a few hours per week to sit in a coffee shop and work on your writing, or if you can find someone that will let you play music in their garage or barn for one evening a week. Pick up extra hours at work to earn extra cash, or get a second job. Find friends or hobbies to spend more time outside the house. Get to the point where it's basically just a place you go to sleep.

Breaking free of (what sounds like) narcissistic family members can be tough. But it's better than the alternative of living under their finger and having to listen to their bad advice for the next 30 years.

Once there's a little space between you and them, you can put your foot down about things you want to change in your life, and stuff you don't want to hear from them any more.

What any good family member would want is to see you flourish and live up to your full potential. Not sacrifice your best years to sit around and keep them company.

Edited June 28, 2022 by Yarco

[King Merk]

Having my own place (not living with roommates or family) was HUGE in improving my quality of life.

It helped me massively with focusing on my growth/development so the extra financial burden was well worth it for me. 

So given my experience I’d say pull the trigger and get your own place. 

[Tyler Robinson]

Have your own place and get away from your family. 

[Ulax]

I'd personally move out asap

[Ethan1]

I'd just leave and find a place where you can get clarity of mind. 

RV will only complicate the process. 

Rv living on your father's property will create space and a boundary.

However it depends on the location of the RV on the property. The more distance the better. 

Also consider with the rv you can move to different places and if you choose to rent a place. Put the rv in storage for like $50-$100 a month. Gives flexibility and options with living situations. Keeping all your stuff in the rv for storage too helps with moving out of apartments.