Building the Ultimate Infrastructure

[Ayham]

I have returned 

well,let me just say something, you know how i was supposed to replace this journal with a  private journal, i actually forgot to do that and just remembered LOL.

so lets see the goals i had

Complete LP course : Done

have enough knowledge about Kriya yoga to see if i want to try it the week after this one: I did that, sort of, and i decided to focus my energies on meditation.

Complete my physics self study course, start chemistry. next week: Fail

complete programming book (code: hidden language) and start CS50: realized this was unrealistic goal, also this book is pretty useless, so will start cs50 tomorrow.

so overall ok week, i struggled mostly with waking up late but found a briliant solution, i dont even wake up groggy anymore.

the second thing is that since some days i woke up late, which made me super groggy, my meditation became super ineffective and very short sessions.

 

Here are my goals this week:

• Discipline: build a streak for when i study physics and programming, i will break the chain if i miss a session.
• Meditation: also build a streak for reaching the WHOLE 35 minutes, no more canceling timer before it rings.
• General: stop making this so grindy! i remember in the beginning i used to enjoy this stuff so much, i still do but i have made it a grind.
• Life purpose: the course is done, i will watch the documentaries recommended though this week.

[ThePoint]

On 6/11/2022 at 6:48 PM, Gesundheit2 said:

The only time wasted in life is the time we waste on negative thoughts.

Man I kind of felt a little wave of sadness while reading this. I keep having negative thoughts but it feels uncontrollable.

It's like there is a beast in my mind that constantly wants to be fed with anxiety. When there is nothing to be anxious about, it will be anxious about not having anything to be anxious about.

Sounds crazy and irrational right? I know... but it feels so uncontrollable. I want it to leave me alone and just let me live my life.

@Gesundheit2 How do you stop having negative thoughts?

[Ayham]

sorry for completely stopping posting here, i started doing Journaling privately, worked much better. 

and i wanted to do weekly reviews here, but i went to my home city where me father lives, stayed there for a week, found out he is married, we argued a lot, he kicked me out of the house, he beat me in front of my grandparents, THEN I GOT ANGRY AND SLAPPED HIM, hitting your parents is one of the most taboo things here. 

so yeah lots of stuff happened, i did not want to have trauma happen to me, so i did a lot of feeling into the emotions and taking responsibility, but i am still not completely over it, and i don't know how to deal with social things much. 

but anyway i think all this resulted in ego backlash/burnout, i am starting to recover. 

i have not cut the activities i do tho, expect when i was at my father's place which was for about a week. 

i don't know, maybe i might return to weekly reviews, if not, then this might be goodbye. 

 

but i promise everyone who reads this, even though i don't think anyone reads this journal, but i promise that i won't give up on all the self improvement and spiritual activities, and that i will live my life purpose.