Discovered a deeper part of myself, no idea what it is

[Tristan12]

A few months ago I had this awakening where I discovered this deeper part of myself within me. It was really clear that it was me because of how it felt, but it wasn't my ego or me as Tristan. When I saw this part of myself, it was like I as Tristan was looking at it and it was communicating with me in a way. I could also see that no other person really existed, and all of reality is just my own direct experience, and this life I had as a human and everything within it is just something I imagined. This part of me showed me that everything that I have been through in my life had led me to this point of awakening and realizing all of this, and it will continue to lead me deeper. It also showed me that all of the suffering I have been through in my life (as I have been through a ton) was never personal, it was never about me, it all happened just for the sake of leading me to awakening. Then this part of me showed me that it loved me, very much. It was really beautiful.

Last night, I was listening to some really beautiful loving music, and getting into a really deep state of love, and I noticed that whenever the love gets really strong, I often get so consumed by it that its like I lose my sense of self, and all that exists is love. I become love, and Tristan is gone. Then, all the sudden, I realized that when I feel this love, it's not Tristan that's doing the loving. It's something much deeper within me that is so in love. As soon as I realized that, the love got SO intense, I dropped to the floor and just started crying so hard. It was like I realized in that moment that I'm not Tristan, I am this deeper thing within me that this love is coming from.

This is the second time I have discovered this deeper part of me, but this time I was actually it, and I wasn't just looking at it from the outside.

The thing is, I have no idea what this part of me is. It feels like my higher self or my soul or something, because it really feels like me, but something much deeper within me, but I don't know what it means to say its my higher self. I'd wondered if it could have been God realization but I feel like it would be really obvious if it was and I wouldn't be asking this. Does anyone have any idea what this part of me is?

[puporing]

Sounds like the layer that's just outside of infinity/god realization. I was around there on my first couple trips. Were you on a psychedelic? 

[Tristan12]

2 minutes ago, puporing said:

Sounds like the layer that's just outside of infinity/god realization. I was around there on my first couple trips. Were you on a psychedelic? 

No I was sober. That's interesting though 

[puporing]

1 minute ago, Tristan12 said:

No I was sober. That's interesting though 

I mean I guess you can say that's a partial god realization. ?

[Tristan12]

3 minutes ago, puporing said:

I mean I guess you can say that's a partial god realization. ?

I suspected that might be what it is, because what I experienced last night felt quite similar to some explanations I've heard of God realization. This part of me was just oozing love, it's like if you put your hand over a hot stove and felt the heat coming off of it, I could feel the love radiating off of this part of me. I couldn't look at it without crying. When I embodied it and realized that this is me, and its not separate from me, I couldn't get over this love that I could see that I was. That's when I hit the floor and started crying really hard.

But then again, i'm still not fully sure if it was God realization or not, and I get the sense that if it really was, it would be really obvious and I would know, and I wouldn't be questioning it. So maybe it was just a partial realization or the beginning stages of it or something.

[puporing]

1 minute ago, Tristan12 said:

But then again, i'm still not fully sure if it was God realization or not, and I get the sense that if it really was, it would be really obvious and I would know, and I wouldn't be questioning it. So maybe it was just a partial realization or the beginning stages of it or something.

Yes there's definitely more and it probably doesn't have an ending anyway rofl, but that sounds pretty epic. Keep going you're on the right track.

[michaelcycle00]

I'm happy for you. Sounds like a beautiful experience. With that said:

6 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

I could also see that no other person really existed, and all of reality is just my own direct experience, and this life I had as a human and everything within it is just something I imagined.

If that's what you realized then why come post it on a forum like there are actually people out there who are gonna read this and then give you an answer? This, ironically, is making me think that I am the only one who's having an experience and you're a projection of my mind leaving me breadcrumbs so I can realize it. But then again, I'm not sure. 

6 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

This part of me showed me that everything that I have been through in my life had led me to this point of awakening and realizing all of this, and it will continue to lead me deeper.

I've read many trip reports and some people have also said this.

6 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

It also showed me that all of the suffering I have been through in my life (as I have been through a ton) was never personal, it was never about me, it all happened just for the sake of leading me to awakening.

This part too, but, it doesn't make sense to me. Why not just wake you up in a more gentle and blissful way? 

To be honest some of these insights people seem to get from psychs give me a "parent that has repeatedly fucked up trying to excuse themselves instead of owning their mistakes" vibe. 

[Tristan12]

29 minutes ago, michaelcycle00 said:

7 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

I could also see that no other person really existed, and all of reality is just my own direct experience, and this life I had as a human and everything within it is just something I imagined.

If that's what you realized then why come post it on a forum like there are actually people out there who are gonna read this and then give you an answer? This, ironically, is making me think that I am the only one who's having an experience and you're a projection of my mind leaving me breadcrumbs so I can realize it. But then again, I'm not sure. 

Even if other people aren't real, they can still provide me with some helpful answers to my questions. Also, I only became conscious of that part during the first experience (months ago) but not the one last night, so I wasn't thinking about the fact that other people aren't real when I asked this.

33 minutes ago, michaelcycle00 said:

7 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

It also showed me that all of the suffering I have been through in my life (as I have been through a ton) was never personal, it was never about me, it all happened just for the sake of leading me to awakening.

This part too, but, it doesn't make sense to me. Why not just wake you up in a more gentle and blissful way? 

To be honest some of these insights people seem to get from psychs give me a "parent that has repeatedly fucked up trying to excuse themselves instead of owning their mistakes" vibe. 

I remember hearing Leo talk about this in one of his videos, he said that waking up often feels like every moment in your life has led to creating this moment of awakening.

Its really clear to me that all the suffering I have been through was completely necessary. It has completely changed me as a person. Only now will I REALLY appreciate Love/God/Truth etc., which wouldn't have happened if I was lead to awakening in a more blissful or gentle way. I would still have so many shallow survival desires left. The whole reason i'm able to access levels of love this deep without psychedelics or that much spiritual practice is because my heart is just so responsive and sensitive to love that it just goes crazy any time I start to feel deep love. I'm very confident that everything i've been through was necessary. Also going through deep suffering to then lead to awakening is a well known phenomenon for a lot of people, so it doesn't surprise me at all that this is just my path to awakening.

[Leo Gura]

On 4/22/2022 at 4:24 PM, Tristan12 said:

The thing is, I have no idea what this part of me is. It feels like my higher self or my soul or something, because it really feels like me, but something much deeper within me, but I don't know what it means to say its my higher self. I'd wondered if it could have been God realization but I feel like it would be really obvious if it was and I wouldn't be asking this. Does anyone have any idea what this part of me is?

Hahahahaha!

That "part" of you isn't a part at all.

It's YOU!

You are Infinite LOVE!

Ta-da

You must awaken deeper. You haven't realized yourself as God/Love yet. You will. Just keep going. Your mind is still divided and fragmented. You are still holding God/Love as a subtle "other". They are not other. There is no other. There is only YOU. Nothing can ever exist but YOU.

[Tristan12]

27 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Hahahahaha!

That "part" of you isn't a part at all.

It's YOU!

You are Infinite LOVE!

Ta-da

You must awaken deeper. You haven't realized yourself as God/Love yet. You will. Just keep going. Your mind is still divided and fragmented. You are still holding God/Love as a subtle "other". They are not other. There is no other. There is only YOU. Nothing can ever exist but YOU.

Wow, okay.

Yeah clearly I do have to go deeper. When I realized I was this deeper part of myself and not Tristan, Tristan still felt real and like something I could go back into. I guess I would get to the point where I realize Tristan is completely imaginary and that I am this deeper part completely, and nothing else.

But for now, as I see this part of myself as just a part, does it sound like this part is God? Of course I need to go deeper and gain more clarity around it to see for myself, but i'm curious what you think. Because I remember hearing you talk about times where you've accessed God as something separate from you, such as in your video where you did 5MeO for 30 days straight, and you talked about doing love-pong with God (bucket list item btw?), and then of course other times you've seen God as yourself and the duality collapsed. I'm curious if you think I could be looking at God when I see this part of myself, but maybe i'm just not seeing it clearly enough yet to fully realize it?

[Leo Gura]

16 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

When I realized I was this deeper part of myself and not Tristan, Tristan still felt real and like something I could go back into.

You are EVERYTHING. Tristan is a part of that.

It's not that you are not Tristan. It's that Tristan is God.

16 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

I guess I would get to the point where I realize Tristan is completely imaginary and that I am this deeper part completely, and nothing else.

NO!

Tristan is God. There is no difference between anything. Stop thinking God is something outside or seperate from its creation.

16 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

I'm curious if you think I could be looking at God when I see this part of myself, but maybe i'm just not seeing it clearly enough yet to fully realize it?

God is not just the formless, it is equally all the form.

You are trying to limit God to only the formless. Deeper awakening will show you that this is incomplete and biased.

[Tristan12]

@Leo Gura Oh okay, that makes sense because this part of me I saw was just a part, it wasn't everything, and if God is Infinity then it makes sense it wouldn't just be that one part.

But then we go back to the original question of what is this part of myself i'm seeing? Is it just God/Love in a limited form but eventually I will realize that its actually everything? That's why I bring up the times that you've seen God as separate from you, is that anything similar to this?

[Leo Gura]

@Tristan12 Bro, your mind is fragmented with all this thinking about parts. Fuck the parts. It doesn't matter what part is what. You are all of them. They are all fragments of your Infinite Mind. Drop the parts stuff and focus on grasping the absolute totality.

When you first start to realize God your mind is still too divided to see that God is you. So you keep looking deeper and deeper until your mind fully unifies and accepts itself as God.

Everything you see right now is YOU, is God, is Love. Stop breaking it up into parts. Grasp it all at once.

Your mind is creating sub-parts and sub-identities in order to prevent the full, direct awakening into Oneness.

5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT is really helpful here.

[Tristan12]

4 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Tristan12 Bro, your mind is fragmented with all this thinking about parts. Fuck the parts. It doesn't matter what part is what. You are all of them. They are all fragments of your Infinite Mind. Drop the parts stuff and focus on grasping the absolute totality.

When you first start to realize God your mind is still too divided to see that God is you. So you keep looking deeper and deeper until your mind fully unifies and accepts itself as God.

Everything you see right now is YOU, is God, is Love. Stop breaking it up into parts. Grasp it all at once.

Okay. I've just been focused on this single part where the love is coming from because that's all I've seen, and I'm wondering what the hell it is. But what you're saying makes sense and I get that I just need to go deeper and see all of it. Thanks for your help   

[Leo Gura]

14 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

Okay. I've just been focused on this single part where the love is coming from because that's all I've seen, and I'm wondering what the hell it is.

Look, if you were a Christian your mind might frame that part to be Jesus. And if you were a Hindu you might frame that part to be Ganesha or whatever. It doesn't matter because those are just inventions of Mind. Your mind needs some way to frame these "parts" for you with some kind of sensible form. If you were a fish that part would take on the form of some fish guru. You might imagine that the love is coming from the heart. But that's not really the case, that's just another image your mind is using to pin down Infinity.

Look past such forms to the totality of consciousness and Yourself.

Love is not coming from any part/form within reality. Love is the totality of consciousness/reality. Love is purely a lack of all difference and bias. When your consciousness realizes that there is no difference between any two things -- that will be pure metaphysical Love.

Be ware of how your mind is trying to ground Love into some finite form like a chemical, the heart, a person, an angel, a deva, Jesus, the brain, or whatever else. And dare to see beyond  all that.

[Asayake]

How is it that Tristan is God when Tristan is a finite concept and God is infinite? Isn't it that I for example mistake myself to be Nils(which is a finite concept, a human identity, my name, a word) when in fact I am that which the word I is pointing to(God, which is infinite), of which Nils(this human identity, concept, etc.) is just a part. But saying Nils is God makes me a bit confused because it's like saying Nils right hand is Nils? The hand is a part of Nils but saying a hand is Nils doesn't really capture what Nils really is? I'm really trying to understand this. 

Edit: typo

Edited April 24, 2022 by Asayake

[Leo Gura]

@Asayake Nils is God's costume. But since Oneness, God's costume IS God.