Am I selling my soul for my dream job?

[Spooney Spoonerson]

Because this comes down to a value's judgement I feel it necessary to explain in depth my views and situation. Hence the length...

I’ve wanted to be an actor since I was 10. When I was 17 I was preparing to audition for the top drama schools around the country. Before the auditions began my family and I went on holiday to the coast. Whilst there we saw a theatre company perform. I won’t be too specific about them to keep it anonymous but after watching them I decided that would be the highest goal for me. If I could work for this company I would have ‘made it’ as an actor.

I was lucky enough to go to a prestigious drama school at the age of 18, one of only six to make it onto the course. I graduated with a first 3 years later and got an agent. I wrote to this company over the years but never got an audition. I only seemed to get parts for the low-end jobs. My agent wasn’t one of the top ones and I would go months without an audition.

I finally changed agents however and a friend of mine ended up working for this company and told me you needed a driver’s license otherwise they wouldn’t take you. It’s a touring company and get ins and get outs are managed by the actors themselves. This was one of the reasons I wanted to join. The company is set up so you are travelling, building the set at outdoor locations-mostly stately homes and castles in England, Scotland, Wales, and Europe. Then you usher the people in, interact with them and then put on the show. I see myself as a story teller and was amazed this kind of archaic thing was still going and I could actually be paid good money for it. It seemed to me to be an adventure as well as an acting job. Not only do you just perform, you are responsible for the entire thing. I knew I wanted to be more than just an actor who goes to the dressing room when he’s finished and doesn’t meet the people he’s giving the story to. I wanted to have that extra special connection with my work. There are other reasons this company is particularly magical but I don’t want to make it obvious who they are.

I moved home in 2020 to save money after the theatre I was working in shutdown due to Covid. Whilst home I realised I didn’t want to continue the life I was leading, working shitty day jobs in between the acting gigs. Most jobs you do as an actor tend to be low pay, temp positions because you need the flexibility to leave at any moment for an audition or a part. Many times I’ve done the circuit, get a job in a panto or fringe theatre, leave my old work, do the acting job, then when it’s over I have to find a new job. Living in London is expensive and for the jobs I could get I would be earning just enough to survive. I did everything, kids parties, bar work, reception temping. When I moved home I got a job at a post office and could actually save money for the first time in my life because my outgoings dropped off to nil.

The trade off was I had little to no social life, no romantic interests (living with my parents), and could no longer go to as many low end acting jobs to flesh out my CV since I was now living in the countryside. The benefit was I managed to save up and invest and grow my finances. I had never been financially aware before and the lockdowns showed me just how vulnerable I had left myself in that regard.

Over this year I managed to get a couple of acting gigs anyway and make some money investing but not to the point I am financially free. I realise the importance of protecting my asset column and don’t want to take from it until it is absolutely necessary. The fact is I wasn’t earning any income anymore since I left the post office to try to double down on my skills and find a way I could earn income by coaching or finding some other skill I could use to get financial independence and work for myself. I decided I don’t want to be 30 and still working bar jobs in between acting gigs.

The reason I include this is because it’s felt like quite a grind the past few years and like my life has basically been on hold while I try to build myself and my resources so I can be independent. My goals are to be truly independent, live with my best friend, make my own money, and have the time to create my own work which I started to do 3 years ago when I realised the auditions and acting work wasn’t going to be given to me. I would have to create my own opportunities.

At long last it felt like all my efforts were coming to fruition. Having started with 5k in the markets I’d made 65k. I learnt to drive and I made myself go out to meet people and made some amazing friends and got together with a gorgeous girl. I had gotten around to making my first work into a video format where I tell my own stories. I had enough money to move in with my best friend and leave my parent’s house again. The dreams were all coming true at once.

In the space of a few weeks my portfolio was halved, the girl had turned on me and so had the friendship group and all my freedom and independence was gone. I was now feeling tight on cash again (one of the reasons she left). The coaching was fun but I realised I didn’t want it badly enough to spend any more time and effort on it to build it. I decided I would have to try leaning more into my writing and it would take time to build out. I felt like I’d gone from hero to zero. I couldn’t bare living at home anymore and had hang ups about ‘not being a real man’ after the years spent at home, not having a ‘real job’ and not being able to keep the girl I liked in my life. Soon I would have to get another crappy job again and I felt like such a failure.

Then I got the audition of my dreams. I didn’t want to raise my hopes too high. I knew they would receive thousands of submissions. They would see a couple of hundred and pick less than 10 people some of whom would probably be from the previous year’s cast. But even as I tried to stay realistic I knew this could be my out, a way of supporting myself for the next year. 6 months working my actual ‘dream job’ in which I could save enough money to move in with my friend for another 6 months after the job had finished and continue to build my skills as a writer making copywriting and making my own content. It felt like the universe had come to me in my hour of need and offered me a lifeline. I was feeling so down and depressed, like I was watching my dreams on life support while all my other self-doubts crowded in around me. Now this chance had come at the perfect time.

I poured all my energy into it to distract from this girl leaving me and from my financial worries. I dug into my cash reserves to buy train tickets to go to London for the audition having only a few pound left in my account. When I got the recall I cried I was so happy. I felt that even if I got no further I had been able to prove to everyone and to myself that I was still capable of being the actor I always wanted to be. That I could do the things I always believed I could.

For the recall they wanted me to audition for the lead. I had to learn quite a lot and I sunk all my time and energy into yet again. I prepared for this like no other audition I had ever prepared for. If I got this I’d have a life back. Not only that but it would be a credit to prove I could roll with the best of them, a feather in my cap. Then when it was over I could continue working everyday on my own projects for another six months while I try to get my financial independence. Maybe the markets would take off again in that time and my portfolio would be back to full health and I wouldn’t have to get a job I don’t care about to pay the bills again. The possibilities were all so inviting.

I nailed the recall. I honestly felt I’d never acted so good for an audition. They offered me the part.

There were just a few details they wanted to know first. One of them being if I was vaccinated and if I had proof of my vaccination status... I know many people will be rolling their eyes at this point assuming anyone made it this far into my story.

I think the corruption in government is pretty obvious especially in the UK and the financial incentives for the entire pandemic are well known. To me the vaccines are about money first and moving the Overton window in the law and social governance second. The last priority is public health. I believe the vaccines are probably not very damaging to our health although the long term effects are not known and increasingly there are reports from a growing number of credible body’s to say it’s not necessary for everyone. But most of the people I know who’ve had it seem to be just fine so far.

I don’t think the risks of not taking the vaccine are anything like what media has made them out to be. I also think the company’s primary concern is not their own health but to protect their investment which is fair enough. If a company member gets Covid they will have to cancel shows while we self isolate. My agent said this has happened to clients and they have lost their jobs because of it. However, all of them already had the vaccine anyway. Which is to say it doesn’t guarantee preventing cancellations

I told them no, I didn’t have the vaccine and they said they ordinarily ‘shouldn’t’ let me in but they liked me so much they’d be willing to work with me if I got the ball rolling now and booked my shots asap.

I’d managed to avoid getting the vaccine over the last two years. I feel very soon noone will care so much about the passports and restrictions will lift/ are lifting already. But to do the Europe shows I might still need it to get past the boarder because even though it says there are exceptions for those working on a contract they leave the get out clause “but ultimately it’s up to the discretion of the boarder guard” and the company won’t want that kind of uncertainty even if they decided to risk it in terms of mitigating risk.

I’m not really interested in any legal conflict. I don’t know what this says about me. If I had a son and he told me he was in this situation I’d tell him to stuff it, don’t roll over. This is tyranny and by accepting it you are paving the way for this to happen to others.

Either I pass up on this part and have to spend the year working some crappy job and risk regretting not taking this opportunity and not knowing what might have been. Or I swallow my moral conflict, rollover for big daddy and get the life I always wanted. I feel like I’m doing a deal with the devil. What’s wrong with me? Am I so lacking in my self-esteem I don’t think I’ll get another opportunity? Working another job isn’t the end of the world, people would give their right hand to be in the position I’m in however bad it seems to me relative to my goals. I think Jesus would say fuck your vaccine, I’m good.

I think if there was a time to take a stand and say ‘No’ to this insanity that the world has normalised it would be now. I think we’ll look back and see how messed up it is to say people have to put something in their body to make us feel safe. Especially when the dangers are, in my mind, a fabrication made to facilitate the transfer of wealth. I’ve had to eat some shit sandwiches in my time and swore I wouldn’t eat anymore but always knew this might come up at some point. Well, here I am having climbed a mountain that’s taken years to scale and have finally reached the promised land and here’s one final shit sandwich I’m being asked to swallow.

I think if I do this it will be like refusing the path of the righteous. Like I’m lying down for the tyranny. Or is this just some of the retarded stuff the world foists upon us and I shouldn’t think about it too seriously. God is forgiving and maybe by doing this I will find out where my line truly is by crossing it and can forgive myself and even be grateful for the lesson. Then afterwards I’ll at least have had a good time and have the credit, the money, the freedom. Then I’ll know for sure next time if it’s worth it or not. Maybe this will be the final shit sandwich. Or maybe I’ll just go on with this forever and just keep rolling over. Maybe I’ll have a bad reaction and die a fool or maybe there’s another lockdown and the shows are cancelled anyway and it was all for nothing.

My friend thinks I’ll be dead in five years and my soul will be locked away for half of eternity till the next spiritual election. I don’t believe in these things but do feel I’m giving up something of myself I would rather keep. I don’t know if I can let someone stick that thing in my arm. Will I be able to keep my integrity? I think I can because my career and serving my life’s purpose is most important to me and this fits in to my higher plan for the rest of my life. But where is the line? I might not get another opportunity. My goal is to get to a point where I can choose between these things and choose to create my own work, my own opportunities if these issues arise. I was hoping I’d get there before something like this happened. Is this just the next necessary step towards that freedom? Success involves risks and I have to risk that this vaccine won’t affect me long term. Is this evil? By acquiescing to this am I allowing evil to flourish for my own personal gain? Or is it not evil, I’ve just allowed myself to fall into this trap and the universe is teaching me how to avoid this in the future now so when something really bad crops up I’ll be prepared.

I think we all know this is wrong and things shouldn’t be this way. I don’t think by getting the vaccine I am completely surrendering my free will. I’m hoping it will be worth it and my worries about the vaccine are just that, worries, and I have faith in myself to overcome whatever issues may arise. But I wonder if I’m not infact just a coward and a hypocrite and this “feeling” is not just my trying to rationalise this so I can view myself positively and get what I want. Is this is the resistance I need to overcome to understand something greater?

Thanks for reading this. Obviously, my decision is my own and I won’t be blaming anyone, the government, the company, friends, or strangers on the web for what I choose. I just wonder if anyone else has experienced something like this and could offer advice.

Peace.

[Yarco]

In the vast majority of cases my recommendation would be to stick to your values. But what you describe literally does sound like a once in a lifetime opportunity. So I would eat shit this once instead of throwing that away.

I think what Tennisplayerovich did was very brave and noble, but he already has millions from sponsorships and 10+ grand championships. For a brand new player with their 1 chance to compete on a world stage, I'd tell them to suck it up and get the shot.

We all have to pick our battles. I didnt plan on getting the shot, but I was worried the hospital wouldn't let me in to see my sons birth without it. And my wife really is bought into the whole narrative and wanted me to do it to protect him, and to make sure I could be her for there.

After being fully vaccinated I refused to download the vaccine passport app that my government rolled out. So I voluntarily gave up the ability to dine in at restaurants and a couple other things from last September until just a couple weeks ago.

You also have to know where your line in the sand is. If they started requiring a vax passport to buy essentials without groceries, I was going to start engaging in civil disobedience. I'm also refusing to get any boosters after the initial 2 shots.

In most cases there are ways to skirt the rules or get around things. But when your job will require you to travel internationally I dont think that's an option.

[Spooney Spoonerson]

Thanks Yarco. I appreciate your insight on that. I think I'm of the mind I'll do what I must this time round but if it can be avoided I would like to try to find a compromise. He can atleast hear what I have to say so he knows how much getting the job really matters to me if nothing else.

[Phil King]

I dont know how strict they are over in Europe and how much they investigate or background check your vaccine, but if the shot is that big of an issue, Ive seen many people get/make fake vaccine cards and they are able to pass off as fully vaccinated and usually nobody cares enough to make a huge deal about it. 

[aurum]

@Spooney Spoonerson  I'm doubled vaxxed. Hasn't given me any problems I'm aware of. In fact, I got the omicron variant a couple months ago and I'm pretty sure the vaccine helped. My case was mild, only had symptoms for a couple of days.

You could argue "well what about long term risks?". That is a gamble. All health decisions have a degree of uncertainly, but IMO the vaccine is pretty low risk long term and may help your immune system be better prepared.

So honestly, I'd say just get the vaccine if it's really that big of a roadblock to your dream career. But it is ultimately your choice.

[zurew]

I'm triple vaxxed with pfizer. I didn't have any side effects. You can write out all of your fears about vaccine or why you have your resistance towards it.

The first most common fear is often about long term side effects. As far as i know, if you get covid you can have certain kind of long term side effects too, and the chance that you are going to get the covid at one point in the future, i think it is still very high.

The second thing is that not all people need it. Now, here you can find some nuance, because before it was pushed much more than it is now (before the omicron), because it had worse side effects than it is now. Omicron can spread faster but if i know it correctly,it is not as lethal compare to the past versions. Right know it could be argued how much it worth it for you to get yourself vaccinated when the virus side effects are declining, however you don't want to get vaccinated for protection, but now you want to get an opportunity and you don't want to suffer the regulations that comes with not being vaxxed. 

There is a lot of stat you can find on the internet, that it can show you that vaccinations were powerful and are effective, but it has to be said here,that nothing has 100% effetiveness.  You have said in your text, that you think that vaccines aren't and wasn't necessary for covid 19. I don't agree with you, and if you study about it and look at some statistics you can see thats not the case. Vaccination wasn't just about your own health proctection it was about the proctection of ill and elder people and also to slow down the speading of the virus. It was also about preventing to put more burden on hospitals, there were some cases, when doctors had to choose ,to whom they should pass the breathing machine to(there weren't enough breathing machine in that particular hospital). You could read a lot of other cases, where very healthy,strong  young people went to the hospital because of covid. But of course you can say that it is all propaganda, and that its not true. 

But now thats all irrelevant to your case, i just wanted to clear some stuff up. In my opinion, you should write out all your fears and all the cons and pros that you think you will have, if you choose to vaxx yourself.

Right now, you have a fear about the future about the long term side effects. Such fear is based on things that are unknown,but that doesn't mean that it will 100% have very bad side effects in the future, but of course we don't know. However, on the other hand, you know exactly what you sacrifice, if you don't get vaccinated.

I also have to add here, that regulations might change over time, especially with covid 19 mutating, and with taking into account that more and more people getting vaccinated and getting some kind of immunity against it. So, you could make an argument, that you want to wait and gamble with it and see if the regulations will change over time and the company where you want to go might change its policies as well.

So again, overall i think its easy to get vaxxed, but you should contemplate it yourself, what do you really want to sacrifice here, and write out all the possible conseqences, whether you choose to get vaxxed or not.

Edited March 9, 2022 by zurew

[happyhappy]

@zurew +1 <3

[Spooney Spoonerson]

@zurew @aurum @Phil King @Yarco

Hello Everyone,

There’s been a surprising twist in events.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and insights. They helped me come to terms with my decision to get the vaccine and follow my dreams. However, I won’t be getting the vaccine or the job.

After I agreed initially my agent spoke to Equity (the actor’s union) who said I might not need to get it if it was a religious belief. I thought the law they were referring to was the Equality Act 2010 and knew my beliefs were protected under this law as defined by the European human rights commission's definition of a philosophical belief which is a protected characteristic in this Act. I asked if this new information changed the situation as it might tick the theatre company’s legal tick boxes for insurance or duty of care. I also said however, if they would still rather I get it out of personal preference I would.

Whilst waiting for a response I registered at the gp (doctor) where I broke down crying in front of the staff who were very kind and said they could liaise with the walk in vaccine site to give me more space and help when the time came.

After a few days radio silence I asked my agent for an update. They said I had been “difficult” and things had probably turned against me. While texting my agent my friend who is also represented by them sent me an email they had sent to everyone on their client list… except me. In it they described the situation without naming me and said I had been “difficult and challenging” and “not put himself forward in the best way” and the director was now questioning “attitude”.

As I saw this I began to suspect they had not conveyed my message properly and asked what they had said to him. They called me and started shouting and raving down the phone at me saying I had been difficult, I can’t demand other people accept my views, these “random laws from 12 years ago” were “irrelevant” and “a load of nonsense” and I had been flip flopping and going round in circles.

It became obvious to me then what I had suspected earlier in the week when they initially tried to bully and railroad me into getting the vaccine without questioning things. They did not have my best interests at heart and didn’t care at all about my well being. They still avoided telling me what they had said to the director. Finally I told them they had made a mistake and not represented me properly. This was the tipping point and they exploded down the phone saying “Go away! You’re a complete idiot!” and hung up. Knowing now what they had done my highest priority was still to get the job so I texted them asking them to tell the director I could get the jab tomorrow if he could confirm the contract.

They then emailed to say they had terminated representation, informed the director of this, and then a few minutes later that the director had withdrawn the offer. In my mind this was clearly their intention and they knew it would damage the director’s perception of me even further.

I thought I’d be more upset but in truth I feel light as a feather, I’ve been walking around smiling everywhere I go. If I ever question myself I imagine how I would have felt if I had got the vaccine only for them to treat me like this at a later date and am thankful they showed their true colours or become even worse. I emailed the director to explain the situation but don’t expect any reply, nor am I all that fussed.

I should have noticed earlier their bullying tactics for what they were and have seen this side to them before and ignored it. I have everything screen shotted including the email they sent out to clients in which they lied. In their goodbye email they were overzealous in their description of events and incriminated themselves further. Showing they had completely misinterpreted my position and my emails show this.

I’ll be taking this to equity and other authorities. Even if nothing comes of it then people can be made aware of their malpractice and the next time they do this to someone cases will add up. Who’s to say there aren’t already.

This to me is a sign from the universe to go all in on creating my own work and stop relying on outside decision makers to ‘give me the nod’. Also, while I suspect there’ll be a few more forks in the road in this life I will never consider betraying my values for my own career gains and certainly not for bullies who don’t even attempt to understand my position.

Finally I thought it rather ironic that their resentment for me not getting the vaccine became the ultimate reason I didn’t get it. Don’t you love the universe?

Peace fam. Stay strong out there!

[Yarco]

Sorry to hear the job fell through, but I'm glad you aren't too upset about it, and hopefully you can find success elsewhere really soon.

You're stronger than I am, great job at sticking to your morals and values. You can tell your grandkids that you did what you felt was right in the face of extreme adversity and consequences.

Once you've created some of your own work, let me know, I'd love to watch and support it.

Quote

I can’t demand other people accept my views

But they can force you to accept theirs, right? Yeah it sounds like moreso than just a miscommunication, the person relaying the information was intentionally malicious and sabotaged you because of their own strong beliefs about vaccines. Either way, it sounds like you dodged a bullet in the long term. 

Edited March 13, 2022 by Yarco