Working on my triggers

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

*German efficiency brain 

No just kidding ?

Yeah. I did a lot of work on myself. After my last suicide attempt two years ago and having an awakening, while attempting to kill myself, which led me to stop my attempt, something just clicked in my brain. 
 

From there on I studied everything I could get my hands on. In the beginning I couldn’t even read a book for 3 minutes. I couldn’t concentrate whatsoever and contemplating wasn’t even a word in my dictionary back then lmao. 
 

I don’t really know how exactly I became a “mental journaler” or “thinker like I am”.  I just happen to be good at It I think. Or maybe because of all the time I put into studying I can just cross reference and connect dots more easily between different subjects or situations, because I have that much information stored in my brain in the first place hehe 

 

[Marcel]

6 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Marcel have you noticed recently that I tend to talk a little more with you than just "I love you." 

I used to have this massive anxiety whether I will be able to say anything beyond "I love you" ever. Because I'm so not a chatty person at all. My social anxiety is almost crippling. 

Now with you I feel completely free and at ease and I'm able to comfortably open up a lot more 

But I still feel like most of the time I simply can't think of what to say. It gets embarrassing because I literally stare at a person or stare down or look somewhere else because I have nothing to say. It's very hard for me 

 

 

I did notice it and I love it ? 

That’s so adorable hehe 

It will get better hun. This is how I felt most of my life. Conversation seemed to be some ancient art to me that was somehow taught to everyone, except me and I just couldn’t do it lmao 

I’m so happy to here that you feel free and comfortable around me. *Jumps in Happy

Yeah. We sometimes still do a bit of a staring contest hehe It’s cute ? 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel I get massive anxiety whenever I talk in real life. 

I suck at it 

 

I'm sorry about it. I seriously feel like I need to upgrade my speaking skills. That's why I am making videos. 

But I cannot even talk for more than a minute. 

I could barely speak on the video. 

I was waiting when it was going to cross a minute because I can't upload a video that is shorter than a minute, YouTube doesn't allow that. 

 

Maybe with time I'll be able to make longer videos. 

My goal is to make at least a 30 minute long video. 

But I don't know what I will talk about hehe. 

 

 

 

[Marcel]

3 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Marcel I get massive anxiety whenever I talk in real life. 

I suck at it 

 

I'm sorry about it. I seriously feel like I need to upgrade my speaking skills. That's why I am making videos. 

But I cannot even talk for more than a minute. 

I could barely speak on the video. 

I was waiting when it was going to cross a minute because I can't upload a video that is shorter than a minute, YouTube doesn't allow that. 

 

Maybe with time I'll be able to make longer videos. 

My goal is to make at least a 30 minute long video. 

But I don't know what I will talk about hehe. 

 

 

 

That’s okay. You will naturally get better over time hun bun. Maybe you can get „writing prompts“ for videos. So you have something to talk about for a minute or two and upload a video every day. 

You’ll easily fill a 30 minute video. 
I believe in you my wonderful wiggly wife 
 

 

[Preety_India]

My thoughts on Leo. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

2 minutes ago, Raphael said:

• Enough fighting
• Enough being competitive
• Enough being passive aggressive
• Enough dishonesty
• Enough lying
• Enough not admitting what I want to admit
• Enough denying myself everywhere that I see myself
• Enough pretending to be self-accepting where I'm not self-accepting
• Enough seeing people as inferior as me
• Enough pretending that I cannot interact a minimum with people who are different than me
• Enough denying my feelings
• Enough denying the mind
• Enough making myself sick from not being authentic
• Enough hiding from myself
• Enough being impressed by anybody: being impressed comes the rejection of a part of myself which comes from the fear of admitting my similarities
• Enough pretending to be a kind and caring person where I'm not
• Enough pretending to be responsible when I'm irresponsible
• Enough pretending to be irresponsible when I am responsible
• Enough denying my worth
• Enough creating a fake story about myself
• Enough fakery
• Enough recluding
• Enough pretending to be superior to other people because I spend time on an online forum about self-actualization and reaching my full potential
• Enough pretending to be smart
• Enough pretending to be dumb
• Enough pretending that I'm a hard or smart worker
• Enough denying all the efforts that I put it
• Enough denying feminity
• Enough denying masculinity
• Enough pretending that I want success in my life or want to have an impact on the world
• Enough pretending that I am not interested in people and relationships
• Enough pretending that I don't want any friends
• Enough bragging
• Enough thinking that I am advanced
• Enough denying how developed I am
• Enough pretending that I know something
• Enough pretending that I don't know something
• Enough not expressing myself fully even if it's ugly, even if it's dirty, even if it's disorganized, even if people doesn't like me
• Enough not caring about people
• Enough with the pressure to perform
• Enough denying the value of work, discipline, organization, planning, goal setting
• Enough blaming myself or others or my environment. I am everything, whatever I blame I only blame myself. The only thing to do is to recognize what is happening and adapt in consequence
• Enough entertaining so many internal dialogues within different parts of myself: by doing this self-acceptance is very partial and limited. Full self-acceptance isn't something that we tell ourselves but something that we are
• Enough denying my love for life

Enough. Just enough. I'm sick of all that.

Yesterday I was crying and these were my thoughts. 

Exactly these thoughts.

Sometimes I can't put my thoughts into words. But other people seem to be able to express my thoughts better than I can 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel like I'm opening up more and more to this forum. But it will still take some time. 

I still feel some anxiety thinking about interacting with people. 

I feel like pushing people away. My anxiety does that. 

The problem is that I have associated the word "people" with something negative due to my past trauma. 

My past trauma where my trust was repeatedly broken by friends and ex  boyfriends. 

I started to look at people suspiciously. 

I can't be blamed. I was bullied throughout my life even by friends. 

When I had guys as friends as a teenager they would send me inappropriate sexual text messages. 

I was treated like a joker. 

I was constantly preyed on. 

I felt like a prey around people. 

This made me psychopathic, aggressive and defensive 

 

My ex boyfriends used me for sexual reasons. It left me feeling like I meant nothing to them. 

My first two ex boyfriends were extremely controlling. 

My second ex even controlled and decided what I ate.

One day he told me that I should not cut my hair. 

His level of control became so severe that I felt hunted and it felt like a prison. 

I was never allowed to do anything without his permission. 

He would regularly yell at me. 

I would feel frozen in extreme fright. 

I constantly lived in flight or fight mode.

He would blackmail and threaten me that he will break the relationship if I did not do as he said. 

My first boyfriend used to follow me around in the kitchen. He would be very dominating. 

He would order me to pour water in his glass and would get angry if I didn't do as he expected of me. 

I used to feel intensely uncomfortable around them. 

Luckily they weren't physically violent but Joseph was 

 

Joseph would constantly give me death threats if I said I didn't want the relationship. 

Joseph was very violent. He would look angrily at me if I said one word that he did not approve of. 

This led to condensed trauma. 

All these experiences led me to gradually look at people with fear and suspicion. 

I felt like people wanted to harm me either physically or mentally. 

Anyone who tried to be my friend, I would gradually feel anxious or find ways to escape that friendship. 

I still experience significant anxiety around people. It's difficult for me to trust. 

I tend to freak out. Out of fear. I go into flight or fight mode immediately. I get paranoid. I get angry. I get fearful. 

 

These are obviously trauma signs. 

In real life I cannot even close to someone without experiencing extreme fear. 

I mean that's what you would feel if you felt hunted all your life. 

 

But slowly I'm trying to work on my trauma so that I can respond positively to people. I really don't think that it would completely heal. 

Yet I feel like I can do this. I can try at least. 

A traumatized brain responds with fear, derision and anger. 

I still get episodes where I freak out around people and they send me feeling terrified. 

By escaping people this is not going to work. It will only make my anxiety and trauma worse. 

I have to gradually expose myself to people in a safe way so I'll begin to learn to trust again. 

I can't suddenly talk to many people at once. That will be too much pressure. 

I have to slowly start with one person at a time. 

Also getting personal with someone is difficult for me. It sends me into anxiety again. 

Maybe an impersonal approach will help.. 

Like simply talking casually without much personal exchange can help me feel better and comfortable.

For people with trauma it's important to not push too far or too much. It can have a reverse impact. 

It's best to go slow from your comfort zone. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I have to cut back on any source of caffeine. 

I haven't been dealing well emotionally. 

I have to stop drinking tea. 

My mental health is in bad shape. 

Also thinking about my dad in the last couple of days (my father's death anniversary was on December 17) made me very vulnerable and all the trauma came back. 

 

[Preety_India]

One thing I have realized that escaping people will only make my anxiety much worse. 

It won't work 

 

Maybe it will give me temporary peace of mind. 

My hands are trembling while writing this.

But this is not a long term solution. 

My anxiety/trauma is so bad that I can barely type when talking to someone(my hands tremble when I type) and I will completely freeze if I'm on a video. 

The long term solution is to expose as much as possible whatever that is generating fear. 

Slowly expose myself to people little by little. Baby steps. 

I can't deal with any negativity 

It causes my anxiety to skyrocket. 

 

So it's best to start with people who are supportive, positive, calm, compassionate gentle and understanding of my nature. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Why do I feel so triggered and anxious? 

I think the answer lies in my childhood trauma. 

Repeated abuse from my mother made me hypersensitive, fragile and constantly experiencing fear 

My heart rate would go up and body would sweat instantly at the sight of my mother when I was a child. I was barely 10 years old. She would yell at me. She would call me a loser. 

It would send me in terrible fright. 

Being around her was like being around Hitler. 

She would hit me if I didn't obey her. 

Once when I was 14, I did not want to leave my room. I was very anxious and feeling very depressed and frightened. She came into my room and hit my head with the book I was reading. 

She would punish me if I did not follow her command.

I almost felt like a slave never like a daughter. 

This made me resent authority for the rest of my life. 

Any form of authority would make me feel trapped, suffocated, and distressed. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I used to experience extreme fear around my mom. To the point that at age 18, I wanted to commit suicide.

My first suicide attempt was at 14. My mom grabbed my hair, pulled my hair. 

I ran towards the phone to call my dad to inform him that she is beating me 

 

When I grabbed the phone before I could whisper "hello," she yanked the phone out of my hand, pushed me to the floor and then I ran towards the door. I was fearing for my life. I thought my life was over. I opened the door, and she pushed me out and shut the door. Then she yelled loudly that she will never open the door. 

I felt extremely terrified. I wasn't able to process anything. I had no money 

I had no shoes. Just my clothes. I went barefoot. I kept walking towards a church. 

I sat there on the porch of the church and I kept crying for hours. I thought I was homeless. It felt empty, abandoned. 

I was sitting there for 4 hours crying, feeling terrified of going back home. I wanted to commit suicide. 

I felt tempted to jump from a bridge 

But some stranger told me it's not allowed. He told me that he would call the police. 

So I kept walking. It was evening. I had barely eaten anything. I was hungry and barefoot in scorching sun 

Then I suddenly heard a screech. It was my sibling 

I still have no idea how they got there. They asked me - "what the hell are you doing here?" 

I said —" mom pushed me out, hit me and told me to never come back." 

My sibling told me to go home as soon as possible 

I went home. And that day any feeling of trust I had with my mother was lost forever. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

The above incident was crucial and critical. It was the incident that left me completely traumatized and fearful, scared and scarred for life. 

I could not trust my own mother. She didn't want me. She was okay if I went missing. She did not care about my whereabouts. 

I was only 14. I felt abandoned. My life was over. So I felt. 

The incident was so badly burned in my memory that I even remember minute details like the dress I was wearing. 

I was wearing a cream top/blouse with small orange flowers printed all over it, somewhat like in the picture shown. 

I don't have that dress right now with me but I remember what I was wearing very clearly and vividly. 

Below my top I was wearing a burgundy pleated skirt like shown in the picture. It was upto my knees. 

 

 

 

 

The incident so badly impacted me that I even remember the church and the bridge. 

 

The church was at a walking distance of an hour from my house. The bridge was at a distance of half an hour from the church. 

I had walked one hour barefoot till the church. And then back home. I had blisters on my feet because there was dirt, gravel and stones on the street. 

 

 

 

(my mom should have been booked for domestic violence and abuse, sadly that doesn't happen in a third world country, there is no option for kids to report violence from parents. They are no Child Protection Services as in America. There is no 911. There are no welfare services or DSHS(department of social  and health services like you have in Washington). 

 

 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My own source of trigger are my inner wounds. 

I feel like next year will be a good year for me. I can feel it 

 

Being surrounded by authentic people and cutting out inauthentic people will help me a lot in this direction. 

If I feel a sense of anxiety and distrust around a person I'll simply avoid them.. 

Although it's easier said than done. 

I'll carefully pick my friends. 

If I feel free, open and trusted and able to trust, I'll try to remain with such people. 

This will be my strategy for approaching friendships. 

Mostly I won't look out for close friendships because I can't handle all that. Given the severity of my symptoms, friendship is not my kind of thing. Plus I'm bad at conversations, so they would get bored anyway. 

Also the whole concept of friendship is a bit childish in my eyes. Because nothing stays forever. It's an illusion. People slowly drift away. People get busy. 

There are lot of friends who I lost touch with over time. They were my teenage friends. School friends as well. The problem is that many of them went to other cities. They changed numbers and I lost contact with them. Some of them I recovered on Facebook but they hardly come online. Some of them don't even have a Facebook account or they probably deleted their accounts. 

I have seen with many of my friendships that they simply dissolve over time because of loss of communication. They don't have much to say or they simply forget. It's ok. I never mind it at all. All I want is health and happiness for them.. I am not looking for intimacy. It's like I have outgrown the need for friendship related intimacy. 

Also sometimes friends use you for venting. I can't say that I'm not guilty of this myself. I have used friends for venting as well. But still, the real deal is that somehow friendships don't attract me anymore. It's nice to talk once in a while 

I feel a bit odd to share intimacy with a friend. For some reason it feels too school - like or kiddish. Like a teenagey thing that you don't do anymore. 

Now I feel like relationships with people should be more matured and less intimate. 

Like sharing stuff and exchanges of information. I can't do the kiddy thing anymore - "hey, can you be my friend?" it doesn't ring a ding-ding anymore. Seems like a stupid thing 

 

 

 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Preety_India

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

I am crying right now after reading all of this 

wow

Im speechless …

I am so proud of you for opening up about this incident. I don’t even know what to say

*Hugs you tightly and never lets go again 

I love you hun 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Marcel

[Preety_India]

Just now, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

I am crying right now after reading all of this 

wow

Im speechless …

I am so proud of you for opening up about this incident. I don’t even know what to say

*Hugs you tightly and never lets go again 

I love you hun 

Hugs. I was crying while writing it. It felt like a relief to finally relive and document my struggle. 

I did it in such a long time. This is the first time I opened up about that incident. 

 

[Marcel]

3 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Hugs. I was crying while writing it. It felt like a relief to finally relive and document my struggle. 

I did it in such a long time. This is the first time I opened up about that incident. 

 

I want to hug and comfort you so bad right now. I’m always here for you Hannu bun 

You and me eternally ❤️

[Preety_India]

I always had a thing against friendships. 

I used to find them fake for some reason. 

I used to look at people being friends and I used to laugh at it. 

It's like the saying - keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer. 

I'm asking myself - are friendships really worth it? 

I have always yo-yoed on the subject of friends and enemies over the last couple of years. I had an intense love hate relationship with this concept. 

Sometimes I felt friends are nice. Sometimes I felt enemies were better. 

I even questioned the whole concept of an enemy. On many occasions I felt like enemies were better than friends. 

I don't know how to deconstruct the pysche around friendship and animosity. 

Can I confess and say that I was sometimes attracted to my enemies? 

Does that make sense? 

I sometimes felt that guys who acted like my enemies especially when I was a teenager sometimes caused me to feel romantic towards them? 

 Like they were so dominating that I had to surrender myself in order for them to feel like they finally conquered me? If any of this makes any sense. 

It felt like they were massively aggressive toward like male aggression and the only way to diffuse their aggression was for me to cave in and surrender. I did not surrender sexually. 

But I let them dominate me because they just wouldn't let go if i refused or resisted. 

So i let them enjoy their victory 

There is also a sadomasochistic quality to this feeling 

When I was a teenager like 16 years old, I used to feel good if someone dominated me sexually. But this was just my imagination. 

My romantic imagination was someone acting like a Tyrant, whipping me black and blue, like bdsm (those were my earliest bdsm thoughts), and making me suffer a bit, tying and pinning me to the wall and humiliating me, laughing at me and then enjoying my suffering. It felt romantic and good. I felt owned and conquered. I was ready to submit. I used to get wet as a teenager with dreams that some group of men have abducted me and taken me to a secret dungeon in a castle. The main protagonist is a guy who has intense hatred against me. Others are his followers. They all take me and forcefully tie me up. Then the main protagonist or the villain  comes up to me and forcefully kisses me against my wish and I simply cannot move. 

Then he proceeds to whip me and when he is done, I beg him for mercy and he keeps me in his private dungeon forever. He even wears a mask and a cape, black colored, the way they show in romantic novels. 

He is tyrant, dominating and I simply cannot escape his power. I have no idea why I was so attracted to this archetype as a silly 16 year old. But I used to wake up all wet. It was my life long fantasy. 

Kinda silly to be honest. Now looking back it does sound silly. Like a soap opera story from a century ago. 

Vampire passions. 

How did I exactly feel about these romantic sexual fantasies? 

This is how it would play out. 

I used to mostly imagine 16th century stuff. For some reason that was romantically attractive. 

The protagonist would wear something like a cape and mask. The traditional zorro outfit. 

An example will help clear it. 

 

 

 

 

For some reason, this costume used to feel kinda Macho to me. This was my 16 year old brain on steroidal puberty. 

Imagining the guy who wants me as a bandit living in a castle. 

The outfit includes a black gauze shirt, black midle length satin cape, studded belt, studded gloves, matching hat and mask and either a fencing sword or a whip for extra Power (lololol). 

 

I would be wearing something body hugging like a long knitted dress, tight around my waist and neck. 

Or something like this. A long silky dress hugging my shape. 

 

 

And he would come riding on  his horse with his companions or besties. His cronies. And he would beat me with a whip, get off his horse, pick me up in his arms and abduct me. He would then take me to his palace for his night of torture and fun at my expense. 

I would rebel at first. But his power is so strong that I simply cannot escape. Surrender is my only option or be ready to die. 

I would take a couple of beatings from his whip and then just wish to surrender. He would keep me there forever. Chaining me. Feeding me. Acting like an enemy but still caring and watching out for me and I'm bonded with him in this weird Stockholm syndrome fantasy. 

I develop affections towards my tyrant and instead of hating him and wanting to be free, I wish to be enslaved  by him and conquered sexually every night. I want him to have me over and over and I would be moaning and crying in pain but not complaining because my heart craves this bond I have with him. I feel secure and safe in his bdsm  dungeon because I know that even in hate there is some love, some romance, maybe he secretly loves me but enacts it in romantic aggression. 

The question running through my mind would be - why doesn't he finish me if he really hates me so much? 

But he won't. 

And we would forever be bound by this romantic love hate sadomasochistic relationship of craving each other. 

I can be pretty submissive in these kind of scenarios. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I think my feelings and thoughts about friends and enemies comes from a place of all these teenage fantasies i built around romance, sex, love and hate. 

This is where the love for me enemies arises. 

 

I don't know why. Part of my life, part of it feels like fantasy. 

I'm an idealist and partly pragmatist. 

I weave patterns of both fantasy and reality seamlessly into my life. I don't know how I accomplish this. But I do it anyway. 

-------------

I'm not sure if this can translate into reality. 

Of course enemies in real life would want me dead lol. Or at least they would harm me. 

But my enemies in fantasy probably want to get a kick out of torturing me. 

----------

I don't think in real life there's anything like an enemy. 

It's only someone who is mentally disordered that wants to hurt you. The way I see in stalking situations. Someone being hunted and killed 

But that's really not coming from animosity. It's just stupid. 

Why do people hate someone so much, so much that they want to kill? 

I can never wrap my head around it. 

Killing in Self defense looks absolutely logical to me. 

But wanting to kill someone out of jealousy or hate seems so alien and senseless to me. 

 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I need to love my enemies. This is easier said than done. 

This would need some sort of Jesus Christ like awakening that I'm not ready for at the moment. 

It's simply sounds too radical to me at the moment. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I want to smell some lavender and let go of all the anxiety that builds up