My personal feelings part 1

[Preety_India]

I will need to work harder on myself. 

 

[Preety_India]

In a way I'm grateful to this forum for a pathetic experience. I learned a lot that I wasn't really missing out on too much by avoiding people, in fact rather the opposite, I was simply dodging the bullet. It taught me a lot  about interaction, social skills, social media, ego battles, people pleasing, validation, cyber bullying, gang behavior, tribalism, bandwagon effect, social decency, mannerisms, social awareness, social tact, personality disorders, public obsession, covert narcissism, social gaming, e-drama, chat behavior, etc. 

In a way I'm grateful to this forum for a pathetic experience. I learned a lot that I wasn't really missing out on too much by avoiding people, in fact rather the opposite, I was simply dodging the bullet. It taught me a lot  about interaction, social skills, social media, ego battles, people pleasing, validation, cyber bullying, gang behavior, tribalism, bandwagon effect, social decency, mannerisms, social awareness, social tact, personality disorders, public obsession, covert narcissism, social gaming, e-drama, chat behavior, etc.

 

And.....cybersecurity, cyberstalking, dangers of social media, pettiness, psycho behaviors

The forum was like a crash course with respect to all of this. 

 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I also learned that social tact would have prevented me from making enemies online on a platform like this and I greatly underestimated the value of social tact. I tried to be as authentic as possible but I paid the ultimate price and ended up with a ton of haters. 

Authenticity doesn't work online. People judge you instead of appreciating you. 

Diplomacy and tact are very useful components in online interactions. 

I only realized it now.. It's a difficult learning curve. 

Especially difficult for a person like me who has zero social skills and is generally socially anxious. 

 

[Preety_India]

When I left the forum on September 29, I made so many  changes subsequently to my personality and interactions. I grew really fast.. Yet I was still lacking.. 

Maturity was still not very accessible to me partly because I hardly ever had any time to consciously reflect how things are going... 

Everything is always going at jet speed in my life. 

Everything around me is constantly changing. 

With a narcissist mother, getting anything done is a huge problem. 

 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I worked day and night hard to get where I am. 

I did everything in my power to halt my family from ruining my life. 

It felt like I was fucked up from the get go, there was little hope as to what could be improved. 

 

It years and years to overcome childhood trauma and even then you aren't fully capable of getting past it. 

For me professional therapy is difficult because it is simply inaccessible and with therapists there is an arduous task of selecting the right one. 

Many therapists just don't understand you. They misjudge you or tell you something that doesn't help. Or dominate you too much. 

I have been to therapy before. The experience is less than satisfactory. They hardly gave me any time. Their fees are exorbitant for generic advice. They would listen to me for 45 mins and then tell me — "you have anxiety disorder" 

I know that I have anxiety disorder since the age of 14. Anything new?? 

Like if I'm spending money on a therapist, I would want to know a little more on what's wrong with me or a little more on what can be done. 

 

[Preety_India]

My life is like waiting at the airport. 

It's like I'm sitting with my bag in the waiting lounge of an airport desperately waiting for the flight. And all I have to do is simply wait anxiously for the next destination to come by 

There is hardly any time to either meditate or exercise or anything else. 

Indians on average live the most stressful lives on planet earth. Partly because of socio-economics. We can never have the privileges of the West. Indians are always On the go. 

Indians also have huge families that makes everything complicated and stressful. Ironically Indians are the ones that need meditation and rest more than any ethnic race on the planet. 

Our lives are hyper stressful because of the constant pressure placed on us with regard to money, social status, success, marriage, family life etc. 

Being an Indian is basically a crash course on how to "grow the fuck up in the least amount of time." 

Being an Indian means there is absolutely no time or opportunity to make error. You are basically walking on knife's edge. You make one error and you go down. Indian survival can be brutal. 

You can't afford to be a drug addict or a mentally ill person in India/ Indian society. You have no luxury to fuck up. There is a good reason. Because there is no rehab. You are on your own. There is no sugar daddy to save you. There is no government. There is no money. There is no disability or welfare. So you better learn your shit or be ready to go 6 feet under the ground. That kind of pure stage Red survival can teach you how to grow the fuck up pretty quickly. 

Indian kids display a high degree of maturity early on. Because we are molded early on to show conformity and discipline. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

When I left the forum on September 29, I was very happy. I had a strange relationship with this forum, partly because I shared so much of my life writing here. I opened up so much, you can say that caused me to develop an emotional bond with the forum, like a trauma bond. 

With great difficulty I cut those bonds. 

Will it even matter if I'm dead or alive? 

 

I shared the most deepest intimate private personal moments and experiences of my life in my journals here. Some of which I never even shared with my own mom. But I shared them here, my deepest wounds and pains. 

When you open up like that, it's a cathartic release.. 

I let my wounds bare...here.

 

[Preety_India]

I took a break from the forum for the whole month of October and I came back in November. I thought people would have forgotten me and perhaps they will stop speculating about me. 

Nope. 

 

Same old. The same old nonsense where I'm used as a punching bag. 

So with some deliberation, I have decided to leave the forum once again, this time for good. 

It's not a place for me, it will never be. It never was. 

Here people don't like me. I have realized and accepted this cold hard truth. There is nothing else to it. 

You simply have to move on after realizing things. Your journey is alone, you are on your own.. 

Thankfully I at least have one person who loves me and doesn't make me feel alone or rather the one that makes me truly happy. His is @Marcel and he is my partner and I think I should be happy with that. He has given me that nobody could give me in my entire life until now. He heals me and understands me like nobody else in my past ever. Nobody really understood me. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Anyway. It's time to move on. 

I have completely cut my bond with this forum. 

Now it's only me and my journals. 

I have disabled my messenger. 

I will not talk to anyone except my partner. 

I don't need to. It doesn't lead to anything "real." 

 

[Preety_India]

I can hear the distant sound of the coucal again. 

Maybe it's reminding me that life is always brutal as usual, we are travelers in this space of time and one day my journey will come to and end. 

Time to relax and forget. Time to realize that life is greater than all the little things we care about. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I will never talk to anyone here. Even if they say something to me or about me I'll no longer reply to them. Too much drama. Not my cup of tea and not how I deal with things.... 

 

 

On to something better... And perhaps different. 

I love this picture that my mom took. I was sitting in a hotel room. The bedsheets were clean and I was gazing into a mirror. I loved the sunshine falling through. I like watching early morning sunrise and all the warmth it brings. 

Maybe I was contemplating something deep in this picture but I like how it makes me feel like I'm thinking something. 

This was the one time that me and my mom bonded so this picture is special to me. 

She was getting me breakfast and it was early morning and I was waiting to meet our relatives who had come by to visit from another city , my native place basically. 

She didn't mind that I bought heels. She was thrilled at all the changes I had been making in my life recently. 

 

 

Edited November 29, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Well finally I'm at least able to say that I don't give a fuck. 

 

[Preety_India]

On another note 

 

Stop demonizing people who live with their parents. Not everything has to work by western standards and western rules. 

Yes in my country people people live with their parents their whole lives. That's our culture. Yet Indians are the highest earning ethnic group in the United States. So stop shitting on our culture. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

And even if I say things loudly I'm still an introvert. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

There was another Canadian user here by the name Mivafofa. 

I used to like her posts. 

 

Edited November 29, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcel is helping me a lot.

He spoke with my mom yesterday. She was acting a bit kiddish. 

Early in the morning (today) she started some drama about a heater in my room. It sucks that I have to explain her literally every little thing of my life. She is too controlling. 

However she likes @Marcel. She seems to get along with him as she did with my past boyfriends.

 

[Preety_India]

I have a brilliant idea in my mind regarding @Marceland my mom. I'll tell @Marcel later.

I finally introduced my boyfriend to my mother 

 

That's a good start. I don't like to hide stuff from her but she can be a bit immature and controlling. 

 

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

I am so proud of you hun bu 

Watching you grow and evolve is the most beautiful thing ever ?

I love and adore you my sweet honey ? pie 

*Keeeeeeeeeeeees ?❤️

[Preety_India]

@Marcel love you my apple pie. I'm growing kinda faster than I previously imagined. Kinda outgrowing and outpacing myself a little bit.

[Preety_India]

@Marcel you have a lot of influence on my mother which is great. At least finally there is someone who can talk to her. 

At least I can't talk to her that way. Beejesus.

 

 

 

 

Me talking to my mom be like —