Having weird thoughts about myself

[Nadosa]

3 years ago I went through a hard identity crisis. "I" didnt make sense anymore. It had me dissociated and left me in a huge dissonance because I tried to rationalize logically the unavoidable. I kinda posted every little thought in this forum. It left a part of me fairly traumatized. 

I kinda managed to let it go, going on with life and hell it felt like I let "me" go. Dont know if anyone understands this. As if life just passed without an experiencer. But somehow I "created" one in order to interact with the world. Till this point my consciousness work was non-existent. My conscioussness was so low that I nearly went to the psych ward. Thoughts arose about "I died, there is no way I experience this, how am I still here". I didnt really know what to do. It was hell on earth. 

I feel freaky posting about this too and somehow "broken", like I jumped off a bridge, falling. And ehm just falling. Not really a "ground" in sight.

But in the end, in the background, there is this lingering, subtle knowledge, that I know that I am not really "I", this is a game and somehow I kinda lead a life as a pretty unconscious guy, because I let myself play the game and fell in a lazy trap in order to avoid the pain this existential crisis brought up in me. It is not like I dont do anything. But I hesitate to do more serious stuff. Because I am afraid that I'll experience such a crisis again or that it will bring up memories, thoughts etc. This happens for example if I sit for an hour, when suddenly feelings come up and the story around it: "you dont exist, there is no way "you're" sitting here" and then I start to panic and have to go for a walk.

Now, my mind is quiet conditioned to throw existential thoughts at me, just last week, I went for a walk and my mind went to "well who am I, do I exist", and then I come to the conclusion that I dont, panic fills my body and I try hard not to go crazy. Then I let it go and go on BUT at the same time I know that I trick myself and create a character, I feel like I deny the truth and choose to distract myself from it. 

It's quiet a tohuwabohu, so I am sorry.

If anyone has some tips...

I guess without some serious work I will end up quite miserable. Because this is serious. Pretty serious. And so so deep existential that it shatters every cell inside of me. Dont get me wrong, I have a fulfilled life (however I managed to do that, sometimes I wonder what people would think if they lived inside me, they already wouldve gone crazy), life's just flowing and I dont know what I am. 

 

Edited October 19, 2021 by Nadosa

[mandyjw]

"It's" whatever you make it. Sounds like you're working pretty hard to make it into something serious. It's absolutely not serious at all. You might not realize that you're doing that. 

More cosmic joke. More cowbell. Enough set up, time for the punchline. 

[kamwalker]

Notice the one that is generating those  thoughts of anxiety and existential crisis. If you truly do not exist as an “I” and have let go of the identification with the self then perhaps your true self is not the one experiencing those thoughts and feelings and thus there is nothing to worry about? 

[Moksha]

Have you tried letting go of the thought that you don't exist, and simply being? It's all about presence. Sweet solitude from the constant chatter of the monkey mind.

[Nahm]

Thoughts about yourself are like a nose & friends; you can experience weird, and you can experience thoughts, but you can’t experience weird thoughts about yourself. ‘Three years ago I’, and ‘serious’, are thoughts, which aren’t about you at all. 

[Nadosa]

On 21.10.2021 at 4:06 AM, Moksha said:

Have you tried letting go of the thought that you don't exist, and simply being? It's all about presence. Sweet solitude from the constant chatter of the monkey mind.

Yeah. But it comes back. I dont really know what to do about this. This is a really deep existential anxiety.

[Nadosa]

On 21.10.2021 at 7:25 PM, Nahm said:

Thoughts about yourself are like a nose & friends; you can experience weird, and you can experience thoughts, but you can’t experience weird thoughts about yourself. ‘Three years ago I’, and ‘serious’, are thoughts, which aren’t about you at all. 

Words dont help, I must experience it myself. This anxiety feels just overwhelmingly strong. It may be the story around it that causes the dissonance.

Everytime I talk about spirituality, this existential terror accompanies it. And living on and ignoring it does not help, see now, after three years anxiety still pops up deep inside, buried under layers. And I have absolutely no clue what this all is about, why it's happening, why this questions cause this distress.

And feeling the anxiety makes my mind go like "you are going to die if you face it, you are going insane". It all feels like I am going to die, I dont know how to describe it really? 

You see, I am still kinda torn and have no clear vision at all. This inbetween feels so exhausting.

Edited October 26, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa
By it, do you mean the anxiety?

 

[Nadosa]

I mean what YOU talk about.

It also depends, sometimes by "it", I mean anxiety too.

Edited October 26, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

45 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Words dont help, I must experience it myself.

I meant that it. What is it you must experience, such that there won’t be anymore experience of anxiety? 

(What I’m talking about here is you, so that reply was confusing.) 

[Nadosa]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

I meant that it. What is it you must experience, such that there won’t be anymore experience of anxiety? 

(What I’m talking about here is you, so that reply was confusing.) 

I dont know.

All I know is that I carry smth with me I've been trying to look an answer for years now. This feeling, it isnt there without a reason. But it makes no sense trying to explain smth to you that is just there and not even I understand.

 

Edited October 26, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa

Ok, thanks. That makes it easier to understand. So there is no ‘it’. Which means there isn’t something you must experience for yourself which is going to resolve the anxiety…  and therefore what remains is what you are experiencing… which are these thoughts that seem to be about yourself. Then you can begin to understand why certain thoughts about yourself feel so off to you. That make sense?

[Nadosa]

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

 

Yes. 

[Nahm]

@Nadosa

Awesome. ? Then there is the matter of seeing there never was any existential issue whatsoever. We do that sometimes, something repressed like a trauma, a non-majority gender or sexuality orientation, an overbearing parent / childhood, or even just a misunderstanding or belief we identified with, arises, and gets projected onto ‘the existential’ and ‘existential stuff’ gets blamed. Nothing at all ‘wrong’ with that, whatever our experience is, it is, and that’s valid experience no matter what it is. But that doesn’t mean our interpretation or understanding is accurate. In short, the realization in which the anxiety ends is - there isn’t anything wrong with you whatsoever. The way to keep suffering is not to express it, whatever it is. The way to liberate of anxiety / suffering, is to begin expressing whatever it is. Expressing in any way you prefer, to whoever, or to no one and maybe through writing or a creative means, whatever you prefer and are comfortable with. But some of us are awake to this “judgement” bs goin on, and this Truth ?, and want you very very much to know that you are very very loved. But even more so, to understand the emotions you are experiencing, and the guidance there in, in regard to any thoughts… which is what it is to be awake. 

[Nadosa]

How can I see that, that nothing is wrong with me? Why am I interpreting it in this way? Why have I done it and keep doing it for the last 3 years? I dont know why I keep questioning, feels like Im going down that rabbit hole again I visited back then.

Why does it bother me sometimes?

Why sometimes not?

Is it connected to my state of consciousness?

Why does a habit of thoughts feel like it is "me"? I mean "me", as this person, body? How can we "see" or "logically" live on, when this "I" is let go of? Do we transcend it? How can the mind logically interpret that event?

Bascially Im currently aware I am acting out of the finite mind. It is kinda confused. 

At this moment I keep circling between "these thoughts and feelings are still there, and they pop up" an just experience, direct experience, which is the only thing keeping me sane. At the same time thinking about what if I hadn't had the experience of knowing what is really true and the mindfulness I cultivated, I would have already gone crazy, makes me scared. Like there are so many possibilities the way someone can deal with things, and I feel like the only thing that keeps me sane from what I experience is spirituality, otherwise I would have already ended up in a psych or whatever.