"I" am found. Psilohuasca+6 grams mushrooms report

[Adodd]

Psilohuasca is said to make shrooms dosages twice as strong. So maybe more like the effects of 12 grams.

 

I took 90mg of harmala extract taken in maybe 1 ounce of orange juice than took 6 grams of mushrooms(lemon tek) approximately a half hour later. 20 mins after taking the shrooms I began to feel a very slight head change from the harmalas.
 
I planned to take a warm shower than make my way to my bedroom. I hopped in the shower and within a couple minutes I began to start feeling slightly distant from physical reality. Not a high feeling or even a normal psychedelic feeling. Just felt a bit distant from reality and my "self" if that makes sense. I sat down in the shower to relax and this feeling of being distant was quickly becoming stronger and stronger. After maybe 5 mins or so I started feeling spacey and disoriented and began zoning out. I became unable to feel almost any connection with my body or normal state of mind. I started feeling a slight panic feeling. I wasn’t panicking but my body seemed to be. The panic subsided but the feeling of being distant was so intense that I felt as if control over my mind was almost completely gone and that was enough to start to make me worry what was going to happen when this got stronger. "Will I completely lose myself and my judgement so much that I am going to do something stupid?" Staying on that train of thought for even a short time was begining to make me panic again so I decided to get out of the shower and head to my bedroom. 
I turned off the shower, grabbed my towel but was so zoned out into an almost deep meditative feeling state, that drying off felt impossible. So I slowly slid down and sat back down in the shower with the towel in my lap and stared off completely zoned out for Idk how long. 
I eventually realized what was happening and managed to crawl out of the shower onto the floor of the bathroom. As I was sitting on the bath mat on the bathroom floor I began to lose the feeling of myself being located where my body was located. I also began to lose my usual sense of self. I tried to resist this and extreme panic and resistance VERY quickly began to take over but no matter how hard I I tried to resist this feeling of losing myself, it kept getting stronger and stronger. And I cant quite describe what happened next. "I" was no longer in a state of analyzing or even knowing that I was a person on the ground in a bathroom on psychedelics. I was blank. I was dead. I felt nowhere, and like nobody and felt nothing, like what I thought perception meant was just gone. What I would normally call "me" did not exist. I stayed this way for, I would GUESS, at least an hour until I became aware again. But not aware in the normal sense. Aware as in a sort of nonlocalized and unattached awareness. Just aware. Unbiased awareness. I think at this point someone could've ran in the bathroom and cut my throat with a machette and I wouldve just watched. Without resistance or panic or care at all because I no longer identified with this body as the "I" like usual. I was no longer a human body or brain or ego. I was just the awareness of reality. I did not think "oh im awareness of reality" I just WAS. I had feeling of a realization that this was actually always the case but the drugs had somehow removed the distractions that always stoped me from realizing this. I than found myself kind of back into my body and  thought WOW! Everything that is distracting me from what "I" really am is so remarkably well designed! But designed how? And than the realizaton happened of"Oh designed by me!!!" I marveled at the complexity and the perfection of this and I immediately began laughing!  I felt like everything and all of existence and reality  had always just been me playing the game of god playing hide and seek with himself and I finally found me! Everything made so much sense, NOTHING could possibly be more obvious than this now that the distractions and illusions were gone. Of course! How could I have not known! 
 Still naked I uncontrolably became exhausted and fell face first into the clothes on the floor and began mutter "It could be no other way it could be no other way" over and over and over again until I lost the feeling. The realization was and knowing was gone. I felt much more back in my body again and tried to remember and think about it again. I couldn’t quite put my finger back on it no matter how hard I tried. I spaced completely out for a few mins fell face first again into the clothes and went right back into it, than sat up and lost it, fell face first again and went back into it, sat up and lost it, fell and went back, probably a dozen times until I sat up and was completely back in my completely back in my body and terrified. I was once again a human body on a floor on psychedelics after just being boundless. had the weirdest panic attack possible for maybe an hour, forgot who I was or what was happening.  I finally thought to change my setting. I struggled to my bedroom and focused on my breath until the panic was gone  and I was filled with a sense of love and bliss like I have never known. I effortlessly realized so much of my childhood traumas that I never realized before and felt instantly healed from them. There was forgiveness and complete understanding of those who I was unknowingly holding grudges against for so many decades.

The rest of the night and part of the next day I just felt completely out of my mind. I had no visuals, no auditory hallucinations or anything else that I was expecting during the entire trip. I have tripped maybe 30 times and never have I ever had something even remotely close to this. All of my nn dmt trips seem like NOTHING compared to this. 
 

Edited October 19, 2021 by Adodd

[BipolarGrowth]

Sounds pretty strong overall. I’ve had a lot of experiences where there’s some crazy sensory stuff going on as far as losing function or just being incapacitated in some way. Perceiving new things which were unimaginable comes into play with that too. You hit all of that harder than most probably do in a single trip. All of this stuff is generally helpful, but a crazy experience with no contemplation or integration won’t always do much. Remember to follow up for best results. 

[Adodd]

@BipolarGrowth I have always been pretty good at integrating my trips. 

This one leaves me stumped though. How can something so powerful be integrated? My meditation practice will definitely increase but this was something beyond what I think meditation will ever be able touch. This was impossible. Even for trip this was impossible. Beyond concept. How can this even be accurately contemplated? How can my mind contemplate something which is now already impossible to understand. By the end of the night i was speaking of this in the past tense. The only way I could imagine integrating this would be returning to it multiple times. Idk if that's even plausible.

Edited October 19, 2021 by Adodd

[BipolarGrowth]

8 minutes ago, Adodd said:

@BipolarGrowth I have always been pretty good at integrating my trips. 

This one leaves me stumped though. How can something so powerful be integrated? My meditation practice will definitely increase but this was something beyond what I think meditation will ever be able touch. This was impossible. Even for trip this was impossible. Beyond concept. How can this even be accurately contemplated? How can my mind contemplate something which is now already impossible to understand. By the end of the night i was speaking of this in the past tense. The only way I could imagine integrating this would be returning to it multiple times. Idk if that's even plausible.

How does this experience change the way you see death? Is the self different, even ideologically? Just go through the fundamental questions and see if it caused any changes. Those might be good areas to explore further. 

[Ry4n]

5 hours ago, Adodd said:

Aware as in a sort of nonlocalized and unattached awareness. Just aware. Unbiased awareness.

Bruh the craziest shit is that's happening right now. If you've emptied your self out sufficiently it becomes so obvious. For me combining "headlessness" and do nothing/zen w/ basic mindfulness makes it seen, but that took over a year and half after to really actualise following the experience. I was literally just visualising/imagining how that experience felt alongside this stuff and never let it go; staying in that mindset and just going deeper and deeper in an extremely intuitive way rather than an intellectual way. Contemplation honestly isn't too useful for me but that's hard to say because it's basically my default. It's too intellectual, not intuitive enough. 

As long as our minds are sufficiently silent to stop making distinctions then more of this clarity is seen. Distinctions are the biggest distraction from this. It can get frustrating when people philosophise this stuff too much because it's just more distractions. 

"It gets simple when you get simple!"

Sounds like an amazing experience. Also what a crazy dose you got balls man haha, nice work. I would never dare lol 

[Adodd]

@BipolarGrowth oh ok. I see what you mean now. Yeah i have been thinking and talking about nothing else since this happened. 

9 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

How does this experience change the way you see death? Is the self different, even ideologically?

My life will absolutely never be the same. Even though the "state" of complete clear understanding is long gone my "self" can never be the same. Yesterday I was gardening and there was a moment where I began rubbing a leaf and came back to the feeling of "I am just consciousness. There's only one consciousness which constitutes all things. This makes me this leaf just as much as my body. " I also thought about how all things are just different incarnations of consciousness so I am simultaneously all things throughout all of time simultaneously. Full of bliss and gratitude I just laid in the grass for a few minutes feeling connected in a new way. I dont even need to specifically consider how i feel about my self dying because only the body will die. Not I.

I dont think my work is finished but instead I feel lile I have a solid foundation to begin building a new life. Starting a new chapter was the intention of this trip.

Edited October 19, 2021 by Adodd

[Adodd]

10 hours ago, Ry4n said:

 

Sounds like an amazing experience. Also what a crazy dose you got balls man haha, nice work. I would never dare lol 

I knew it was gonna be crazy haha. But I was ready to begin a new chapter and knew that i needed a powerful experience. Guess I got what i asked for.

[halfknots]

I've been very interested in psilohuasca with syrian rue. Thanks for sharing, life is a trip.

[Adodd]

@halfknots @halfknots I used freebase harmalas. I like freebase haramalas because they can be smoked/vaped, swallowed, or used sublingualy.  I dont have any experience with rue but I assume it would be similar. Just be careful. My judgememt was completely gone. I like to be alone while I trip, nobody was around me but I did have a sitter in the same house just to be safe. Start with low doses of psilohuasca. It is really not the same as taking shrooms. It is its own unique sort of synergy.

[Adodd]

A pic i took of a part of a page in one of Joseph Campbell's book that resonates with this experience.