ValiantSalvatore

Building a connection with my date

13 posts in this topic

Hola ! I received now the same feedback twice times from two girls who I consider high quality and I am a bit aggrevated that I lost them, because I lost an overall momentum to my life as gating better at dating etc is a goal that I have this year. I am currently doing online dating and I receive approx. 2-3 matches a week. I don't know if this is good as well as bad, my profile is not perfect. There is still tons of information to consume, yet I am very driven to get results. At the sametime a day approach or smth. similar I am currently don't feel that I am that stable as well as my energy is placed into other projects. For now my goal is to get better at online dating and dating itself not a day approach. Relationships, what I mean is I can't handle that much failure, because I am failing and learning in other ares, this is sort of failure management. (Insert bigger excuse)

My question is what is a sure way to establish a connection as well as what stops building a connection ? 
 

I watched this and I don't quiet understand what I am doing wrong I make most of my dates laugh and I am unsure how emotional people perceive me, I get so many mixed messages sometimes that I am unsure where I can improve besides establishing a solid connection. 

Girls either told me that I lack emotionality as well as there is no connection, yet I make them laugh and we have fun most of the time. 

What is a good way to establish a connection as well as what is a good ressource to look into ? 

I hold eye contact usually quiet well and I talk slowly for building attraction I focus on building positive energy, yet I never focused on connecting with the other person when I focus on connecting with the other person I feel I often become a wussy and I am unsure if I can perceive this vulnerability as strength. Any feedback here for this issue ? I usually also let go of results. When I am being spontaneous etc. I feel I am often to much I have very high-strung energy and people often can't stand that level of enthusiam as well as pure intensity that just look at me like a deer caught in headlights. As well as being very feminine in that way can make me very critical and slighty snappy. I don't know if this is good. 

The point is I do have issues to be balanced emotionally available for people, it's either like I am a total empath understand and feel every emotion as well as I am a total psychopath and could not care less about anything besides myself. 

Also, the knack is that I am mostly meeting up virtual first to scan the person and to not waste each others time and I am unsure how to build a connection there as well as the other date that I met physically.

My main issue is what most people perceive as "depth" emotional "depth" deep topics is all so shallow now since I've done alot of self-actualization / meditative work as well as a lot of sh*t happend the last year, so I do have issues empathizing to protect myself. 

Is smth. as simple as considering taking sometime to put myself in the others person shoe worth it ? As well as putting in the intention to connect with the other person ? I've been hurt a lot in my life and I did a lot of shadow work around this, I still could subconsciously just be very "rigid".

I as well as I could completely let go of expectations and was being more non-judgemental, present, acceptant, I feel this is also very good. The point is I really love strategy and I would love to have better results at building a connection. I watched the video above before I went on the date a week or so and I am often scared to be emotionally manipulated, because I meet some f*ed ppl. Although the dates were very very ultra clean in that sense, I am just scared to be vulnerable.

Am I answering my own question or is there more to it ?

For instance and I am typing this lol is building a connection ? Considering we meet first virtual and this is the second date.

  • Holding hands
  • Touching her slightly
  • Brushing her hair slightly away to go for a kiss 
  • Treating her as I would my best friend to establish a connection
  • Having fun
  • Being non-needy 


Is this also part of emotional connection and am I being a rigid technocrat here ? 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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Seems like you got the first part down.

Laughing and having fun is a good energy on a first date.

 

 

Seems like you build a kinda wall to not get hurt.

This will of course seem cold to other people, like they can't get to the real you.

 

Maybe you experienced that yourself when you ask someone a question and they only give funny answers or don't really answer or tell anything about themselves.

 

Find some similarities, talk about some activities you like and in general her and your emotions.

Doesn't have to be extremely emotional or deep. For the first date that is usually not needed but could be fun if you both enjoy that kind of intimacy.

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I can see that online dating may be super tough.  I hope you can find someone or that someone will find you. 

Connections can take awhile to establish.  In the beginning, you are really just learning more about yourself and some of the other person but they are still very much a stranger.  The relationship evolves over time.  See some comments in bold below.

9 hours ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

Hola ! I received now the same feedback twice times from two girls who I consider high quality what was high quality about them? is there something that they were doing that you'd like to be more like?

and I am a bit aggrevated that I lost them, could also just look at it like - you never fully had them to begin with so it wasn't a loss but rather an experience

because I lost an overall momentum to my life as gating better at dating etc is a goal that I have this year. I am currently doing online dating and I receive approx. 2-3 matches a week. I don't know if this is good as well as bad, my profile is not perfect. you could try to make your profile look more perfect or can just leave it as is

There is still tons of information to consume, yet I am very driven to get results. At the sametime a day approach or smth. similar I am currently don't feel that I am that stable could talk to a therapist to try to work on improving stability and self confidence

as well as my energy is placed into other projects. For now my goal is to get better at online dating and dating itself not a day approach. Relationships, what I mean is I can't handle that much failure, the more one fails, the better one is able to handle failing - so maybe that just means you haven't failed enough to have practice with it yet

because I am failing and learning in other ares, this is sort of failure management. (Insert bigger excuse)

My question is what is a sure way to establish a connection be honest, caring, try to make it work, try to consider their perspective, be engaging as well as what stops building a connection ? not being willing to make it work, not wanting to engage/interact
 

I watched this and I don't quiet understand what I am doing wrong I make most of my dates laugh and I am unsure how emotional people perceive me, I get so many mixed messages sometimes that I am unsure you may be able to eventually get more self insight into what you are unsure about where I can improve besides establishing a solid connection. connections can take time but will also depend on if you two have similar values, interests, and some sort of similar background

Girls either told me that I lack emotionality what do they mean by lack emotionality?  like very serious?  maybe their personality just doesn't work with yours and you just haven't found a good match yet as well as there is no connection, yet I make them laugh and we have fun most of the time. See what they enjoy doing and if what the two of you are doing is fun for both of you or just you. 

What is a good way to establish a connection as well as what is a good ressource to look into ? Trial and error.  Trying to be there for them.

I hold eye contact usually quiet well and I talk slowly for building attraction I focus on building positive energy maybe stop trying to follow some "shoulds" and just do what is more natural - don't force the eye contact, don't force the slow talking, and don't force the positive energy - but if that is the natural you, then sure keep doing whatever is natural for you, yet I never focused on connecting with the other person when I focus on connecting with the other person I feel I often become a wussy and I am unsure if I can perceive this vulnerability as strength. being a wussy and showing vulnerability can help build more connection and allow the other person to feel more comfortable to also be a wussy and show their own vulnerable side too Any feedback here for this issue ? I usually also let go of results. When I am being spontaneous etc. I feel I am often to much I have very high-strung energy and people often can't stand that level of enthusiam as well as pure intensity that just look at me like a deer caught in headlights. sounds like you may need a partner who is also pretty high energy like you so that you can both be comfortable As well as being very feminine in that way can make me very critical and slighty snappy. observe your critical and snappiness and consider working on that I don't know if this is good. it can be helpful to be critical and point things out that one notices - it can also be helpful to not be too overly critical - there can be a balance

The point is I do have issues to be balanced emotionally available for people it's okay, it's something you can work on - maybe you have lots of personal stuff that you need to work on and so its making it hard for you to be there for others, it's either like I am a total empath understand and feel every emotion as well as I am a total psychopath and could not care less about anything besides myself.  it is helpful to be able to have both of those so that is nice - can just work on developing both some more and integrating them together

Also, the knack is that I am mostly meeting up virtual first to scan the person and to not waste each others time and I am unsure how to build a connection there as well as the other date that I met physically. I guess if this hasn't been working - could always just meet up with them but set it up so it is just for 30 minutes.

My main issue is what most people perceive as "depth" emotional "depth" deep topics is all so shallow now could steer the conversation away from the shallow and towards your version of deep and they may take interest and appreciate you for doing that since I've done alot of self-actualization / meditative work nice as well as a lot of sh*t happend the last year i'm sorry to hear that, so I do have issues empathizing to protect myself it is okay to mess up

Is smth. as simple as considering taking sometime to put myself in the others person shoe worth it yes it can be helpful to consider their perspective and they they do the same? As well as putting in the intention to connect with the other person if it is someone you want to make it work with then yes ? I've been hurt a lot in my life and I did a lot of shadow work around this, I still could subconsciously just be very "rigid". I am sorry you have been hurt.  you are working on it which is good.  can look into the rigidness and just be more aware of it

I as well as I could completely let go of expectations and was being more non-judgemental, present, acceptant, I feel this is also very good. The point is I really love strategy and I would love to have better results at building a connection. I watched the video above before I went on the date a week or so and I am often scared to be emotionally manipulated you can ask the person early on if they want to start a relationship with you or not, because I meet some f*ed ppl. Although the dates were very very ultra clean in that sense, I am just scared to be vulnerable.

Am I answering my own question or is there more to it there is always more to the situation and we learn more and more all the time?

For instance and I am typing this lol is building a connection ? Considering we meet first virtual and this is the second date.

  • Holding hands
  • Touching her slightly
  • Brushing her hair slightly away to go for a kiss 
  • Treating her as I would my best friend to establish a connection
  • Having fun
  • Being non-needy  will depend on what the girl and you feel comfortable with


Is this also part of emotional connection and am I being a rigid technocrat here ? consider removing the extra spacing between the last word of a sentence and the last punctuation when you write stuff out as well as spelling/grammar/punctuation/etc.  Yes I acknowledge that mine is not perfect either and I typed some stuff in lower case.

Best of luck! :D

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@universe

13 hours ago, universe said:

Find some similarities, talk about some activities you like and in general her and your emotions.

Doesn't have to be extremely emotional or deep. For the first date that is usually not needed but could be fun if you both enjoy that kind of intimacy.

Thanks for the feedback ! Could you give an example that would involve her emotions ? I usually talk about her hobbies and interests and become fascinated by it, yet like I said it could be to intense for others. I am not a very "smooth"/"cold" person and I do have very high levels of energy even when I feel bad this is latent. 

I can give a personal example. When I went on the date with one girl let's call her Sarah I talked "alot" about her interests about Japan and Japanology. Yet, it was difficult for me to build an emotional connection, because she did not watch all to many animes although she liked them. I watched alot during my teens as well as a kid and still watch from time to time. As well as I have a very strong affinity for japanese culture, yet I have never been there. The point is without getting into theory lol. Is it then better to keep talking for instance about her interests and asking questions (what I usually did), to build a connection. I usually then start to reveal smth. about myself with works and is related to the topic. For instance having lived in China etc. visiting South Korea etc. Then letting it rest at that and enjoy being together? Till sh*t tests start to test commitment and character.

For me it is difficult to pay attention after reading spiral dynamics for the X amount of time, there is no "real" profundity for me anymore in culture, it is interesting, yet it takes me a lot of energy to empathize I am strongly introverted. Although if there are not cross-cultural references I just get lost. In being bored and I then remind myself to have fun. 

My sort of convoluted answer as well as question is how the hell do I talk about her and my emotions lol? I try to avoid it because I become very emotional most of the time and my memory starts going bonkers. When I open up emotionally currently I could cry instantly. There are so many practices that I would like to enjoy doing with my girlfriend/partner for intimacy, it's a bit annoying. I can't just come right of the bat and say. "HEY ! I am interested to give you a cervix orgasm ! " As well as have sex for 2h. This is sort of what I mean I have issues with being emotional. I can't express it fully currently.

------------------------------

@PepperBlossoms

8 hours ago, PepperBlossoms said:

what was high quality about them? is there something that they were doing that you'd like to be more like?

Again without getting into theory. Because I would prefer doing that with a partner.  I'll sort of talk around the multiple-models. I'll be specific.

High quality about them was master degree+ meaning they either did their masters as well as were involved in phd programms. High self-maintenance, striked the 5 stars of the 5 stars of a relationships. For e.g willing to go back to love, taking care of oneself physically and mentally, sexual attraction and the two other stars. High in compassion ! Which is an absolute turn on for me.  Green+ values. I am also way above average in compassion for a male. From a male perspective good looks, hygine, not very neurotic, relaxed character, acceptant, non-judgemental, culturally open, ( I am bi-racial), I really love reddish hair both had reddish hair. They have goals and seemed interested in co-creation, although the distance and my current situation is an issue. As well as both of them knew also this is mostly about experience, although this is an assumption. 

No, there is nothing that they were doing that I'd like to be more like, I automatically choose this pattern subconsciously based on my persoanlity type. Most of these things I am working on. Finishing projects, automating habits, being more goal centric, sticking to priorites, exploring hobbies, going on adventures etc. All of these things were things we had in common. I presume. Just apparently the connection part is missing. I am unsure if this is a commitment issue on my part somehow. If there is smth. missing that I would be chasing it is living together with a person that I love. Yet, that is currently just not possible, without the right person. 
 

8 hours ago, PepperBlossoms said:

could also just look at it like - you never fully had them to begin with so it wasn't a loss but rather an experience

Agree. This is one perspective that I have this is mostly about experience, like this post is about experience, sort of tackeling the root issue / wicked problem and to solve. It when I receive the same feedback twice from two high quality women. There is smth. wrong here. So, again I am already  gaining more experience just by writing this post. 
 

8 hours ago, PepperBlossoms said:

you could try to make your profile look more perfect or can just leave it as is

Again, agree I miss some photos, this is mostly me being self-critical I do have issues letting go of perfection. Even if it might does not look like it when I type. 

8 hours ago, PepperBlossoms said:

could talk to a therapist to try to work on improving stability and self confidence

Simple answer again from a male perspective, a girl would never date a guy who has lower self-confidence IMO. Besides for other more nefarious reasons. I am actively working with my therapist currently, yet she is a bit overwhelmed by the sheer amount of content and practices that I know. The therapy itself improves stability and my self-confidence is above average. Although it definitely dwindels when talking to super hot 10/10 girls with phd's which I did not yet meet lol. 

8 hours ago, PepperBlossoms said:

the more one fails, the better one is able to handle failing - so maybe that just means you haven't failed enough to have practice with it yet

Lovely ! Yes, I just finished a book about GRIT. This is a very good reminder. 

I will summarize now because this will take away a lot of my time and I can answer this more quickly when I can generalize. 


Main points/Themes:

  1. Rigidness
  2. Shallow conversation
  3. Values,interets, connection takes time
  4. Trial/Error connection 
  5. Being more natural 
  6. Vulnerability
  7. High energy partner 
  8. Personal stuff
  9. Relationship asking them if they are interested in one
  10. Lack of connection / seriousness

 

1. Me being rigid is mostly due to deeply subconscious believe I do have a pretty large scar that is not visible, and having to play the role in society of being competent etc. This has mostly served me quiet well and it is not easy to let go of that although I constantly see it. I presume just further meditation and awareness will eventually take care automatically of this pattern. 

2. Shallow conversations is the issue that I prefer to build intimacy through practice for instance mentioned from David Deida. I've sent one girl even two of the books, because she was highly interested in that, yet she somehow perceived me as inept. Which is understandable when I have no one to practice with besides my self lol. Yet, she was sort of unable to see the paradox in her choice. 

3. Values, interests, connection takes time. I agree I find it a bit unreasonable to expect from a guy the be the magical be it all and create this massive connection. I mean I also fell in love and I can see why regardless of gender, identity etc. One would be interested in that, yet I find it odd that I am the only one who has a list of values hanging in his bathroom and as well as listed in his dating profile, and I feel like I can do 10x amount of the work because the other person is unaware. Unsure what to think about that ? Besides that letting go of expectations which I do and gaining more experience. Just accepting this things move slow helps me. This is also an issue that I have and will be working on to just be a bit more slower, yet I feel people then notice (especially compassionate ppl...) how much pain there is inside of me and it makes me very uncomfortable. 

4. Trial/Error and connection. Yes, I definitely will make more sexual advance because somehow girls are okay with me touching them.

5. Being more natural. Is the advice I received most often and it never really worked in a sense. What I hate about is that I feel everyone then is copying me when I am being natural and I really really hate this and I am unsure if I am being paranoid. Altough I presume people just like me somehow. Spontaneity and being natural just happens I can't force it. When it happens it's great. So, I do feel I could work on my personality to be more natural as well as be more natural to work on my personality. Which bascially means gaining more exposure and experience. I could just let go of forcing, yet when I act sort of on my instincts I often received a rejection this is why it's an issue for me to be natural. Unsure what do do here.

6. Vulnerabillity. Again from a male perspective it is not easy to balance this I've read Breene Browns book about vulnerabillity and I praticed that ever since, what people perceive as my authenticity is sort of this vulnerabillity, yet showing this at the wrong moment can make you look like a nice guy. So, it's not easy to balance that. Teal Swan has a good video on this.

7. High energy partner. Yes, finding a high-energy partner would be awesome also would facillitate co-creation because I am more interested in depth in a relationship that is monogamous. To practice depth and to gain depth. As this seems to be the case.

8. Personal stuff. I am sort of always working on that as well as I can. So, this is taken care of the question rather is if the other person can accept me as I am. Because I can and I don't tolerate a lot of bullsh*t manipulative behaviour. 

9. Relationship. I am definitely going to ask this more straight off the bat and check interest. The girl that I was dating told me she was highly interested in 1-one-1 relationships. Yet, I consumed so much personality theory. I notice that I put her into a box and everything seemed predictable and working myself into a flow-state is not easy currently physically. Because I am basically waiting for an operation for my knee which I put on hold based on panic making from doctors, as well as having no one to properly talk to. So, this is my core personal issue right now that won't easily resolve itself. As well as I presumed I was just not being sexual. 

10. I legit do not know what is causing this disconnect besides not focusing on connecting because I fear that I am being put into a friendzone because people legit tell me everything when I start connecting it has become so boring to listen to X secret in a sense. I am very serious and I learned to let go and have fun, I am just realy unsure how to build a solid emotional connection. I presume mostly that the connection issue might be sexual for me, because I don't know why I get away with some of the stuff as well as a 7h date. I just received so much rejection from people since I was small even if you are stage non-dual working through this can be an issue. 

My take away is to be more sexual ask about interest in relationship and advance faster in sense I would also be more natural and be more aggresive, since I do have a quiet aggressive (non-toxic) character meaning I really want what I want most of the time. As well as I want to move forward and gain experience. At the sametime I fear rejection so I am sort of in this push and pull dynamic with myself do I do it ? Do I not do it ? When I do not do it then what will happen and this is mostly about sexual stuff and somehow I can get away there with some stuff. I become then very rigid. More dates would definitely give me more insights. 

Thanks for the feedback ! I am definitely quiet serious about this and the books really really annoy me to read because it is nothing new, and my dating pool here is just to small.  Any insights are appreciated I definitely will make a list, I am not a super loving guy, yet although I do have a lot of love to give ! 

 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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Connecting emotionally with others == connecting emotionally with yourself.

Which means, being aware enough of what's going on inside you, moment by moment, that you can express it in a conversation.

It's really not rocket science, and your complicated analyses are not helping you, I can tell you that. All people emotionally connect naturally without any of these models or analyses, what does that tell you?

When you or her talks about something, you have to be continuously aware of how what is being said, is making you feel in that moment.

Then, express it. Either with body language or with words. This is something that happens naturally, you don't have to learn it. The only reason it doesn't happen is because either you're holding the expression back, or you are too much in your head so that you are not aware of how you feel. So you have to unlearn being in your head, and also unlearn holding back your emotional expressions.

If she experiences similar emotions at the same time, you are connecting emotionally.

Simple as that.

So it could be that one topic or story makes both of you feel X, then that's an emotional connection building block right there.

Or even that because one of you expresses something, due to mirror neurons, the other feels it too, which means both people feel the same thing, badabing badaboom emotional connection.

 

Thank you for inviting me to think about how an emotional connection comes to be, I never have before :)

Edited by flowboy

Erik Jongbloed - Transformational Coaching  
*
Kill indecision and self-sabotage - Go from reactive to proactive - Become organised, focused and motivated

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5 hours ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

I can't just come right of the bat and say. "HEY ! I am interested to give you a cervix orgasm ! " As well as have sex for 2h. This is sort of what I mean I have issues with being emotional. I can't express it fully currently.

Wanting to give someone a cervix orgasm is not an emotion, and neither is having sex for 2 hours. Those are thoughts, fantasies triggered by something you might authentically feel.

Separate the thoughts and fantasies from the here-and-now feeling. What are you feeling when you think this?

  • Attraction?
  • Intimacy?
  • Connectedness?
  • Horniness?

Then choose a more simple and prudent expression of that, to start with, and build it up from there.

Start with simple things like prolonged eye contact, hand holding, touching various places, telling her what you find attractive about her, asking if that lipstick would come off if you kissed her, kissing her, and then if all of that is received well, tell her about your cervix plans. Step by step. It's called calibration.

Edited by flowboy

Erik Jongbloed - Transformational Coaching  
*
Kill indecision and self-sabotage - Go from reactive to proactive - Become organised, focused and motivated

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@flowboy 

2 hours ago, flowboy said:

When you or her talks about something, you have to be continuously aware of how what is being said, is making you feel in that moment.

Then, express it. Either with body language or with words. This is something that happens naturally, you don't have to learn it. The only reason it doesn't happen is because either you're holding the expression back, or you are too much in your head so that you are not aware of how you feel. So you have to unlearn being in your head, and also unlearn holding back your emotional expressions.

If she experiences similar emotions at the same time, you are connecting emotionally.

That definitely helps alot lol. Thank you for the advice/insight !! I am quiet intuitive, yet not to that level. When it comes to internal emotions.  Depending on how conceptual this can be more FI from MBTI experiences are not unfamiliar to me. Yet, I can digest emotions also very quickly and then forget. I don't bottle up emotions as primary FE as INFJ. So I usually express what I feel. Somehow I still miss a connection that is more implicit. My date told me she felt uncomfortable holding eye contact and I can cry basically looking at a plant sometimes just looking at the sheer beauty of that, when I really get into it. This costs a lot of energy though. With music I can facilitate that. 

I gave my best shot at beign at being and letting go of concepts, yet some are also quiet saiposexual even to culture let's say and I do have an issue with history at the moment lmao. I can't change that, yet that book really pissed me off. 

Btw, I love giving feedback ! So I can post more content when I get more dates. When I read all of these books and listen to all of this spiritual stuff, healthy sexuality is missing so badly and I don't think post-modernism, "nazi-feminism", toxic masculinty is helping. I've been sort of demonized for being masculine which can be an issue still I feel. As I am being honest in a sense. Sincere words are not very nice.

A tier 2 model about personality could give more insight..., yet again I am just going off on intuition here. 

I will definitely notice more when we are connecting with the same emotions because I really felt we did not, I did not experience these things as intensly as her. Also, I was paying so much attention to being in my head. Moving more into my body often I feel people just think I am stupid or smth. and this make me reluctant to get into my "feel space". Although I am quiet emotionally open, even if it does not seem like it paradoxically. It's just I need a little help to break through this shell. As I am doing a meditation currently that evolves tuning into emotions more. 
 

1 hour ago, flowboy said:

If she experiences similar emotions at the same time, you are connecting emotionally.

This might sound odd, I experienced alot of "suffering" I mostly connect through the suffering of others. Which might seem an odd way to connect, yet like an old adage says: "misery loves company". I don't know I can explain it like this when I tune in emotionally with dudes for instance and friends they will ask me constantly what is wrong afterwards, because I am stil digesting all of what was said as well as the whole emotional field. 
 

3 hours ago, flowboy said:

Start with simple things like prolonged eye contact, hand holding, touching various places, telling her what you find attractive about her, asking if that lipstick would come off if you kissed her, kissing her, and then if all of that is received well, tell her about your cervix plans. Step by step. It's called calibration.

I never heard of this concept till now thank you for that. This is gold !
 

3 hours ago, flowboy said:

Separate the thoughts and fantasies from the here-and-now feeling. What are you feeling when you think this?

  • Attraction?
  • Intimacy?
  • Connectedness?
  • Horniness?

I could give a simple answer even though it might seem emotionally crude.

Attraction = connection
Intimacy = romance
Connectedness = depth/"spirituality"
Horniness = lust

I do have a strong affinity for attraction romantically I feel like I've been abused lol.

 

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Most girls are agreeable to whatever you say meaning if you ask something like 'Have you heard of Naruto?' They will say 'yes' (because they have really heard of it but they hardly even watch any episodes). Men, on the other hand, will say more directly 'Yes but I don't watch them'. So be careful with what topics you talk about.

 

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Posted (edited)

@hyruga That is to simplistic almost lmao. 

Thanks for the perspective I'll keep it in mind. 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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@ValiantSalvatore In your example your seem to be kind of reactive and compulsive.

Try to relax, take some deep breaths and feel into your body.

Maybe I worded it a bit wrong. Don't just talk about emotional things. Also be emotional with her.

So when she says she likes Japan try to understand what she feels about it. And why.

If she feels joyful, feel into that joyfulness. With her!

And then you don't have to talk about other Japanese culture. You can say like "Oh I really enjoyed staying in South Korea, it was an amazing experience!" talk about it, or see if she asks you any questions and then switch the topic again.

The point is that it is not about the information being exchanged, you can save that for work.

When you are on a date it's about feeling, intentions, tension and having fun.

Don't be afraid to not talk for a while. She can also keep the conversation up.

Then quickly change the subject again. Like I said, it is not about the subject.

It should all be very non serious but also not a comedy show.

 

A good way to get more emotional is to ask her what was the last time she was moved/really excited/frightened/grateful whatever strong emotion you can think about.

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@universe

Thank you for the advice here ! I used to be very good at this. This is beautiful definitely will practice tuning more into the emotions of the other. The point is I admit there is a lot of envy when it comes to this for me I noticed especially since I stopped gratitude practices. Definitely will attune and calibrate when it comes to dates and feel more internally. I somehow feel I do do that, yet there apparently is some disconnect I will do this more and ask more about emotional experiences. Especially since I am doing a positive minded-meditation practice. 

This is also gold ! Definitely will practice that advice, when I revisit the entire date in my head I completely forgot because we seemed so similar to tune into the others emotion. The one time I did it I made her laugh about unicorns. That was freaking funny. 

This might seem like an odd questions, yet what about negative emotions tuning into that and then moving towards love and fun again ? Also, sort of attuning myself to her emotional state. Btw, if you know any good books on this would love to read one or two. Besides stuff from Deida. 

I believe the important part for my logical driven skull, is realzing to feel it with her ! Thanks again for the advice !

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@ValiantSalvatore

Do you mean sth like sadness, sorrow, hate, anger?

Yes, you want to go with all Emotions that come up. Give her a rollercoaster of Emotions. The whole range. But I'd say focus more on the positive ones.

In the end positive or negative Emotions do not exist. It is just how we label them.

A good book I like about Emotions is the Sedona Method. It's not about dating but will give you some powerful tools to explore and learn from your Emotions.

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@universe Thanks for the help ! I've did the sedona method a couple of times it worked quite well. Although I stayed with Shinzens techniques for simplicities sake as well as for the purpose of mastery. 

Eventually I'll turn back to the book, I've did the practices through online sources did not listen or read the book yet. 

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