Trauma, my ego

[Esilda]

Back here  .

One step back...

I need to work on my validation and approval seeking tendencies.

Question to me, how is my lack of confidence related to my need for validation?

How is it at all sustainable for me to maintain my confidence if I need the approval of other people?

I feel like I'm at square one though at the same time I know I'm not, I've made a lot of progress with this journal it just seems that I have more work than I realised.

[Esilda]

I feel so stupid, I wish I had of stayed here on the forum working through my shit. The lights of my own romances of been fogging my vision once again. I feel like I can't find the right guy for me and each time I feel I do I end up throwing myself at him and then I end up like a doormat.

I feel so wounded, last Friday night I was really looking forward to going on a date but I was stood up. He never even bothered to reply to me. The next day I flooded his messages and he finally got back to me on the Sunday and I felt like a puppet on strings. I don't know how to pull back. I feel like I don't know the real me inside.

Each time I get triggered I have fears of abandonment rush up and I don't know what to do and either run away or go in the opposite direction. I feel like I'm obsessing over this guy and every time I obsess the guy just ends up having complete control over my will and I don't know what to do anymore. I have to learn to regulate my emotions better.

This life? What is this life? I feel like my emotions continually lead me in the wrong direction. I feel so stupid sometimes and then other times I feel so angry. A part of me just wants to feel acknowledged and then another part of me hates the need and then another part of me just wants love and then another part of me feels lost and confused. 

I'm starting the wim hof method.

[Esilda]

Have sent all my important people here a PM  so sorry I've been gone  

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts you're such a darl face  thank you for sending me a reply message , you've always been so warm and kind what a lucky lady you have :, right now I am prepping for work, nursing has always been so stressful for me, I've just always wanted to help people, I've thought about quitting my job, I just need therapy though I know this I start next week, I have a lot of anxieties I have to work through and I know they're not just normal sensitivities but on the other hand I know I'm super sensitive as well which is why I have my brain to disentangle too  . Remember for us ladies we've had to deal with the world with so much more feeling, I feel that most guys don't fully get that if you're also super sensitive you're like a magnet for weekly cathartic pain releases  . Monthly. So remember your girl like this. 

Love Ricky. Love. Thx sweety you've always lit up this forum 

[RickyFitts]

@Esilda Aw, you're too kind - but thank you.  You've always been such a sweetheart so I just wish the absolute best for you, I know how incredibly hard life can be when you're highly sensitive (and I understand how extra-hard it can be for women, as you say, with all the pressures and hormonal fluctuations you have to deal with) so I really hope the therapy's helpful for you, lovely. <3

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts please, anytime u feel the impulse comment on my journal I would love to hear of ur insights on anything i say!  

Work was sooo exhausting! With all this anxiety I tend to overanalyse everything. THat's what people say to me, sometimes it seems like they're gaslighting, like they say it in a humorous way and then when i'm suspcicious is when they say it in a serious way like if they really really cared about me then they would sit me down and care for me. I am trying not to analyse things though, I just feel that I need to have a continual conversation with my intuition!?!?!? You get what I mean, if you get what I've journalled about so far, if you've read my journal here, then you get me I am still strict on my boundaries but I am doing my best to keep my heart open and not feel too wounded here. Sometimes when peopl say I overanalyse I feel like going off into my own imaginatoin and dissociating. Analysing grounds me, I have to be in touch with my feelings all thet ime and if I"m not who am I? My feelings are my access to my patients and my patients are why I keep doing what I do as a nurse. I empathise thoguh sometimes with family members or anyone that I've known a lot that feel like I'm saying so much, they just don't get tthat my brain is go go go and that's how I have to be. I have to explore, I have to know I have to find my peace because sometimes you have no idea this world inside is so chatoic for me. My blood sweat and tears are not worthless in this world, just because i am emotional doesn't give you the right to discredit my efforts, to try to take away from my dignity, to look down on me. I have to start becoming the star of my own journey again, and cry and say FUCK as much as I need to through my intuition to help me get there. One day, staying in my own personal resolve will set me free, i will no longer have the problems that i do and it will be because I stayed true to myself even if i fucked up sometimes. Can't wait. Reality though, speed up? \

[RickyFitts]

7 hours ago, Esilda said:

@RickyFitts please, anytime u feel the impulse comment on my journal I would love to hear of ur insights on anything i say!  

Will do, darl.  

RE anxiety and over-analysing things, that's something I really struggled with a few years back in the wake of a traumatic break-up, the anxiety became severe and near-continuous and it took me the best part of a year to come to terms with it. What I came to realise about my own neurotic mental activity during this period was that it was a way my mind was attempting to deal with strong emotions that felt overwhelming - the mental activity was essentially a coping strategy, which is something I developed from a very young age I suspect (I was a very sensitive, troubled child, and I wasn't living in an environment that was emotionally supportive so I didn't learn to healthily process my emotions).

What ultimately helped me was to shift attention out of thinking and into my body, because we can't think our way to emotional resolution - 'you can only heal what you can feel', as Teal Swan so astutely observed. Sounds simple enough in theory, but it was hugely challenging in practice because I'd become very emotionally shut down and consequently had a lot of trauma and upset stored in my body. So you do have to persevere with whichever practice you choose if you do decide to go down that route (for me personally I've found 'do nothing' meditation or simple breath meditation most effective, though yoga was also a life-saver when my anxiety was at its worst, mindfully stretching your body can work wonders to alleviate bodily tension I've found).

Really hope that's helpful, darl, because I know just how debilitating anxiety can be. ?

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts The hospital felt crazy today I didn't get enough sleep! I'm right nowwwww reading your message while I barely keep my eyes open lol! 

 

Edited March 11, 2022 by Esilda

[RickyFitts]

@Esilda Oh no, poor you! You take it nice and easy then darl, you need to rest.  

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts Cows go moo, cats go meow, bees go zzzzzzzzzz back to sleep  

[Esilda]

Feeling just so wounded right now.

I feel so outclassed in life sometimes. I want to be smarter. I want to make a better impression. 

I want to become a more sophisticated woman.

This is just how I feel right now.

I want to be taken more seriously as a woman.

I want to be more noticed. 

[Esilda]

Privately journalling about love while listening to... female artists that changed the face of femininity and music.  

Hoping that all the beautiful souls here are treating themselves well, remembering self love not self inflicting injuries to their own self esteem >____ me ____<. 

She really inspires me as an aspiring singer. I don't play any instruments yet tho
 

 

Edited March 11, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

 

where I'm traveling to right now...

"Mr. Unicorn.

Show me the lands.

Show me what magic I am missing in my life.

Show me what is possible in the whole wide world of possibility"

 

 

 

I'm taking a few days away to practice real hard on my writing because I want my journals to come across as more professional from now on.

 

[RickyFitts]

7 hours ago, Esilda said:

@RickyFitts Cows go moo, cats go meow, bees go zzzzzzzzzz back to sleep  

 

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts 

 

I know i have to start questioning myself more in like a positive way if i'm to get this right, stop beating myself up as well

[Esilda]

Feeling more confident again thx for the pickup @RickyFitts  

Addictions can be so challenging, but we have to have responsibility and self control around them.... like really owning the whole thing as best as we can is a part of the war that we have to do... right now I'm trying to quit my social media usage by at least half and its been difficult for me so I've decided to use this site as a substitute because then at least I feel like I'm doing something productive... .....I've been watching a lot of Eckart Tolle videos lately and I've just started re-reading the power of now, learning to once again like the vipassana method simply allow emotions to pass through me after feeling them better, i feel like this is the difficulty with addiction, we can't just "let it pass"... i just concentrate on the feeling of love and that helps me much more too

Edited March 11, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

how do I create the future? how do i create my new future?

its just something that's been on my mind lately, I'm about to arrive at the hairdressers anywho I had the thought about whether or not I still want to be a nurse and if I do what am I doing it for? The hospital infrastructure is a mess, our doctor-patient ratio is a mess which means in some ways unethically we're (us nurses) asked more of us than what we can really provide because the wait times for some patients is already enormous, it feels like so many of us are in burnout mode. I'm just beginning to ask myself the question, how much of what I am doing is really the highest good I could be doing? I want to be a part of something that is going to truly make best use of my talents, I want to be a part of something that is going to truly be a contribution to society at large. Hospitals are not all good, this much I have learned, my empathy and the empathy of my colleagues is taken advantage of in more ways than you can imagine. I just feel, deep down in my intuition that society is going through so many changes right now and us nurses and doctors are stuck in the middle of the chaos. It "feels" like we'll be taken care of but I'm not so certain anymore. I used to think that I was always a part of the solution, now in todays times I'm not as certain as I used to be about whether I'm a part of the solution or the problem. 

After the hairdressers I'm going to a spa where I'll be spending 2-3 hours in an isolation tank today and tomorrow. The last time I went I had some of the deepest life insights. These last few weeks have been so chaotic for me so I need to go back inside of myself and introspect, allow my intuition to guide me, all this stuff that we do to help us through beyond the "thinking mind".

I want a higher path, I know this 'practical', 'rational' world isn't going to get us where we need to go, so.... I just... don't know or have the capability yet to explain what that means and I know psychedelics aren't the cure either. We need change, we need a new cure outside of overly economised hospitals, I don't know what that is or what that looks like but I know mother earth is asking for us to find something more, to create something better. Things can't stay the way they are and within myself, I feel into my soft intuition, that there's definitely a path, a new way, it just hasn't revealed itself to me yet

Edited March 11, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

2 minutes ago, Esilda said:

how do I create the future? how do i create my new future?

its just something that's been on my mind lately, I'm about to arrive at the hairdressers anywho I had the thought about whether or not I still want to be a nurse and if I do what am I doing it for? The hospital infrastructure is a mess, our doctor-patient ratio is a mess which means in some ways unethically we're (us nurses) asked more of us than what we can really provide because the wait times for some patients is already enormous, it feels like so many of us are in burnout mode. I'm just beginning to ask myself the question, how much of what I am doing is really the highest good I could be doing? I want to be a part of something that is going to truly make best use of my talents, I want to be a part of something that is going to truly be a contribution to society at large. Hospitals are not all good, this much I have learned, my empathy and the empathy of my colleagues is taken advantage of in more ways than you can imagine. I just feel, deep down in my intuition that society is going through so many changes right now and us nurses and doctors are stuck in the middle of the chaos. It "feels" like we'll be taken care of but I'm not so certain anymore. I used to think that I was always a part of the solution, now in todays times I'm not as certain as I used to be about whether I'm a part of the solution or the problem. 

After the hairdressers I'm going to a spa where I'll be spending 2-3 hours in an isolation tank today and tomorrow. The last time I went I had some of the deepest life insights. These last few weeks have been so chaotic for me so I need to go back inside of myself and introspect, allow my intuition to guide me, all this stuff that we do to help us through beyond the "thinking mind".

I want a higher path, I know this 'practical', 'rational' world isn't going to get us where we need to go, so.... I just... don't know or have the capability yet to explain what that means and I know psychedelics aren't the cure either. We need change, we need a new cure outside of overly economised hospitals, I don't know what that is or what that looks like but I know mother earth is asking for us to find something more, to create something better. Things can't stay the way they are and within myself, I feel into my soft intuition, that there's definitely a path, a new way, it just hasn't revealed itself to me yet

what does this look like? what are the colours? the lights? the dreams? my meditation while in the isolation tank

[RickyFitts]

1 hour ago, Esilda said:

Feeling more confident again thx for the pickup @RickyFitts  

You're so welcome.  So interesting to hear your thoughts on the challenges we face as a society, too, I absolutely agree that things can't stay the way they are but things seem so screwed up at the moment that it's hard to know where to start. But connecting to your intuition is the way to go though I think, as you say - love that you're re-reading 'The Power of Now', because present-moment awareness is central to that I feel.

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts 

I feel so much more positive after my experience in the tank!  I just feel so much more centered, in myself and my feminine energy now 

Have just been writing privately about the different things I saw in my imagination. Day 1 down 1 more session to go!