How to avoid being scammed in love ?

[Preety_India]

So one guy in my past relationships was someone who scammed me financially.

I mean he would cry to me that he was in big trouble financially. And I would help him by paying his way out.

I always had this instinct where I would jump to help people if they were in need.

With this guy I had a long term relationship and at the end I discovered that he was lying to me and he was living well with absolutely no problems.

In fact he was using me and exploiting me financially to get stuff for himself. And I was naively believing his lies.

In the end I found out that literally everything he ever told me was a complete fabrication. 

I felt duped and scammed. I felt hurt, betrayed, exploited. I lost quite a lot of money and he disappeared from the scene so I could never get money back 

The money is really not the issue. It's the  hurt and betrayal and all the long list of lies that hurts a lot. 

I felt like my feelings of compassion were being misused.

I wasn't good at spotting his lies 

He would even give me suicide threats. So that's when I began to get suspicious of him.

What are ways to avoid getting scammed when you want to believe what your lover says but at the same time you don't wish your trust in your lover to be taken advantage of ? 

How to know if your lover lying to you ?

Especially being in love makes it harder to not trust.

 

[OneHandClap]

For starters, just don't share money. If you go out on a date, split it. If you catch them asking to buy things, then move on ASAP. If you're not engaged, why do they deserve expensive shit? 

Basically, just stick with your feelings. Notice if they make you feel scared, unsure, or angry. If they do that more than 5% of the time, it's not worth it. And if they pull out ultimatums, run, don't walk away. 

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, OneHandClap said:

For starters, just don't share money. If you go out on a date, split it. If you catch them asking to buy things, then move on ASAP. If you're not engaged, why do they deserve expensive shit? 

Basically, just stick with your feelings. Notice if they make you feel scared, unsure, or angry. If they do that more than 5% of the time, it's not worth it. And if they pull out ultimatums, run, don't walk away. 

That's some great suggestions. Taking notes.

 

[OneHandClap]

Just now, Preety_India said:

That's some great suggestions. Taking notes.

 

Forgive me if I am reading too deeply into it, but it sounds like you are a trusting and empathetic person who wants to help people you're involved with. The thing is, though, that it's not your job to fix anybody or pick them up. Every individual has their own path of learning. So if you find people leaning on you, they are typically using you as a resource, not connecting with you as an equal. If you treat yourself as valuable, then others will respond to that. If you project yourself as being a caretaker, you will invite people with bad intentions.

[Preety_India]

5 minutes ago, OneHandClap said:

Forgive me if I am reading too deeply into it, but it sounds like you are a trusting and empathetic person who wants to help people you're involved with. The thing is, though, that it's not your job to fix anybody or pick them up. Every individual has their own path of learning. So if you find people leaning on you, they are typically using you as a resource, not connecting with you as an equal. If you treat yourself as valuable, then others will respond to that. If you project yourself as being a caretaker, you will invite people with bad intentions.

But I always thought that helping others is a cause worth striving for. At least that's what my school teachers taught me. 

I grew up watching my dad helping people and it was very inspiring.

 

[OneHandClap]

Just now, Preety_India said:

But I always thought that helping others is a cause worth striving for. At least that's what my school teachers taught me. 

I grew up watching my dad helping people and it was very inspiring.

 

Yes, it's often true that we learn from our role models. But you have to remember that others are teaching from their own POV. 

On a plane, you will often hear "Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others." This is because if someone breaks you down, you are no help to anybody, right? You need to handle your own happiness before you can give it to others. 

When you find "the one," you will settle down and help them immensely, I am sure. That is the right time to let out your caretaker. But if you're just dating, be wary of who you give your energy to. Be mindful of who uplifts you and who takes from you. 

[Preety_India]

9 minutes ago, OneHandClap said:

be wary of who you give your energy to. Be mindful of who uplifts you and who takes from you. 

Yeah these are Powerful words. I never thought of it this way. It's like I  always thought in a single dimensional way. Those words are going to helpful in shifting my perspective when it comes to altruism and philanthropy.

[OneHandClap]

4 minutes ago, dflores321 said:

@Preety_India your grandfather was taught by someone that helping others is a worthy cause. 

Your father was taught by your grandfather that helping others is a worthy cause. 

You were taught to help others because it is a worthy cause. 

You teach others to help others and tell them that it is a worthy cause. 

^See the game here? (This example is for anyone to use, not calling you out or anything.)

Bam-boom. Altruism is a concept, but a useful one for building a world we would like to live in.

[hamedsf]

love is the act of scamming yourself first, so no fuckin' way! 

[Hulia]

@Preety_India I just try to avoid people who ask me for money. In friendship and in relationship. Because it´s not normal. I myslef have never asked other people for money, though there  was time when I was extremely poor. So I have the right to expect from my friends and lovers the same.

My husband, when he had tough times, scammed me a lot for his own entertainment mostly. Sometimes I just learned from shop assistant that my account is empty with a basket full of goods. But I don´t feel used. Since he himself is extremely generous person. When he had money he spent it on a grand scale without counting and regreting. So he probably expected the same from others. As long as reciprocity is provided everything is ok, I think.