The Female Gaze

[soos_mite_ah]

Different Sides to My Sexuality: Fall 

Fall 

I feel like Fall is basically an extension of my prolonged emo phase lol. I also feel like I tap into it when it's actually fall and winter because my wardrobe during that time of the year usually has darker colors. This side of my sexuality really has me feeling like the big titty goth girl friend meme lmao. Other than that, if I were to describe Fall, I would describe her as openminded, assertive, fearless, and intimidating. I would say that this side of my sexuality switches between overtness and subtlety, kind of like the Dua Lipa / St Vincent performance I linked in the previous page of this journal. While Spring has a soft form of femininity and Summer has a bold form of femininity, I would say instead of femininity, Fall has a more masculine tendency. Summer also has this sense of dominance that comes from a very bold and feminine way but I would say Fall's dominance comes in a dominance that is rooted in a quiet sense of confidence. Again, there is this overt subtlety. There is also this sense of mysteriousness that is wrapped up in all of this.  

Part of the way this subtlety and mysteriousness I believe shows up in my aesthetic when I embrace this part of myself is that I tend to dress more conservatively in the sense I'm more covered up (again, it's fall, it's getting colder). I think the masculine vibe comes through with the sharp angles and the way it fits my body more. I feel like I embraced this side of my style and my sexuality more when I was a teenager. I'm not super into this aesthetic now because I dressed like this for such a long time to where when I wear black, it just feels stale lol because I feel my old energy. 

But even though I feel like I'm in a different energy, I still feel that I exude this sense of control and intimidation around people. Again, there is this sense of assertiveness and the fact that I'm pretty firm in my boundaries, and I have been told that I come off as the type of person that has their shit together (even when I really don't). I don't see this sense of intimidation a bad thing because what I've noticed is that usually the people that are intimidated by me, they're usually not the type of people I want to deal with in the first place. I think it aids in the vetting process and also protects me as well. 

I wouldn't say that Fall is emotionally closed off or on edge around emotional connection. Like Spring, there is this sense of wanting to emotionally connect and delve into intimacy and vulnerability more. It just manifests in a different way. It's less soft and more intense. I just think always being submissive would get really boring. I think I would like a nice mix in the way I express myself. 

I would also add that this energy doesn't really align along the lines of "hot witch girlfriend" but it's more along the lines of the scary put together person that dress mainly in dark colors and that you are afraid to cross in the workplace because you're afraid that she will bite your head off. But also there is a part of you that wouldn't mind having your head bitten off.  

As for music, even though I don't listen to St. Vincent like that, I think the energy she puts out is a really good embodiment of how I feel inside. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Different Sides to My Sexuality: Winter 

Winter 

When I think of the winter months, I don't really think of the cold (because I live in a place that usually doesn't really get cold), rather I think of the coziness that surrounds the holidays. If there is one word that would sum up this side of my sexuality, I would say that it is coziness. It's the side that is more so rooted in self care. I also feel like during the winter months that I tend to become more self focused especially around New Years where I focus on self care, self improvement, and getting to know myself more. 

Even though the other sides also have an emphasis on sensuality, I would say that sensuality is even more emphasized in Winter because of the way that it fuses with self care. Winter likes candles, lotion, massages, hot showers, bubble baths and self pleasure. I feel like ever since I got an idea of what I liked physically, masturbation basically became part of my self care routine at night. I wash my face, moisturize my skin, bust a nut and then go to sleep lmao. I would describe Winter as self focused/ self loving, sensual, relaxed, and grounded. 

Aesthetically speaking, while I would say that the other sides have a more cohesive aesthetic fashion wise, Winter is more focused on how something physically feels and is projecting internally rather than what it looks like and what kind of energy it's projecting out. I feel like Winter as an aesthetic can range from cuddling with someone in comfy clothes and fuzzy socks and feeling the warmth to sleeping naked by yourself at night simply because it feels nice.  

I think the way Winter comes out is mainly through my love language. Basically for those who aren't familiar with the 5 Love Languages, they are basically ways people tend to communicate and receive love and the ways they feel the most cared for. The 5 love languages are physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts. While the 5 love languages are usually discussed in the context of a relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship, parent/child relationships, or even friendships, they can also be applied to self care. For me, my prominent love languages are physical touch and quality time. And I feel that I use my sexuality  for myself to meet both aspects because this is me being present with myself and spending quality time with myself as well as obviously appealing to my five senses through touch. 

Some music that I associate with this side of my sexuality are really anything that is in a language I don't speak. The reason why I specify languages that I don't speak is because I feel like when you don't understand the lyrics, you're more likely to pay attention to the sound and the voice and the syllables in the lyrics basically becomes part of the melody. I feel that because I don't mentally understand what's going on, I'm forced to be more intuitive and go with the over all vibe the music is painting. It's as if it causes me to be more physically present by calling more attention towards my senses right here and now rather than analyzing what's happening in the song lyrically (I already tend to be hyper analytic and in my head, and sometimes I just need a break lol). 

The first song is one of my favorites. I love things that are slowed and adding in the rain just makes the whole thing so perfect. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

1 hour ago, lxlichael said:

@soos_mite_ah wow I fucking love how well organised your journal is, fantastic!

Thank you 

[soos_mite_ah]

Thoughts on No Fap

It's October 2019. I can't sleep so I decided to go on YouTube. The algorithm had me come across this guy who does these parodies of people who do the absolute most when it comes to self help. I watched a few of his videos because I thought it was entertaining (tbh, that isn't much of a feat because it was 3 am in the morning, I'm bored, I'm high on life, and I will laugh at anything during crack head hours). 

After watching a few of his videos, the algorithm started recommending me videos from I guess other chunk of content this guy makes on his channel. And next thing I know, I'm watching a bunch of videos with this guy who is telling me how I shouldn't bust a nut lmao. Tbh, I caught myself binging some of his videos because it had that wtf factor and it was very contradictory view on my personal opinions. I thought *hey why not be a little open minded and explore contradictory opinions  because maybe I'll learn something. And you know what, even if I don't learn anything, the wtf factor will make things funny and entertaining.*

Me watching NoFap videos:

And then I forgot about all of this until I came across people talking about NoFap on this forum.  I guess the basic impression I get from NoFap is that a lot of it often is linked to guys having an unhealthy and even addictive relationship with porn. Consequently, not jacking off is seen as a solution and people try to not jack off for long periods of time to achieve some type of desired end result. Some people do it to get over their addiction while others claim that NoFap helps them be more creative and preserve energy. The first I get. The second, I'll admit I'm rather skeptical of. I feel like a lot of it has to do with placebo tbh. My hunch is that dealing with addictive behaviors linked to masturbation such as issues with porn along with avoiding masturbation because you use it as some type of coping mechanism to avoid dealing with other issues with your life are the things that are actually helping these men. Because if you take away the coping mechanism and actually address what's happening, that's when the improvements come about. 

Personally, I tried this. It wasn't really hard tbh and I didn't get much of a benefit from it. My guess is that I didn't get results because I never used masturbation as a coping mechanism to avoid my problems and because I never had an addictive relationship to porn. 

The reason why NoFap felt contradictory to my opinion around masturbation is because prior to finding this guy, I had this experiment with myself. One night I was basically like *what would happen if I jacked off every night for 30 days.* It wasn't anything super serious. It just came from a place of lighthearted curiosity. Basically after that, I noticed that I handled stress better and it was easier to fall asleep (apparently there is a hormonal explanation for this). I also felt that I had a better relationship with my body. This manifested in both me figuring out what I physically liked technique wise as well as seeing my body as desirable, not for anyone else but for me and for me only. My body is desirable to me not because of the way it looks or what I can do with it, but because it's mine and mine only.  

This experiment helped get rid of shame that I had around my body and my sexuality that I didn't know I even had at the time. I think for women, sex, especially masturbation, is seen as dirty and sinful. I feel that it is still something that is still taboo to talk about. I think most people are ok with guys jacking off but when it comes to women, there are people who get all triggered about it. I feel that a lot of it has to do with how women's pleasure isn't prioritized during sex, even in the topic of self pleasure. It goes back to this whole attitude of how sex is something that done to women rather than with women which is a whole nother post by itself. 

I think when it comes to emotions like shame, it's one of those things that can subconsciously bleed into other areas of your life. But on the flipside, resolving shame can also cause beneficial things to bleed into other areas of your life. Because society as a whole tends to have shame wrapped around female sexual energy, that also bleeds into having shame around female energy as a whole. And unpacking some of that shame, even if it mainly pertained to my sexuality and my body, it still improved my relationship to my over all energy and sense of confidence as well as assertiveness as a whole. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it wasn't necessarily the masturbation that caused this sense of confidence and assertiveness rather it was me doing the work to unpack the shame and build a healthy sexual relationship with myself. Busting a nut, as nice as it might feel, is something I see as spiritual and magical lol. But it still is a part of my whole self care routine. 

Interesting enough, this sense of confidence and assertiveness is something that a lot of NoFap people talk about when they talk about the benefits of their practice. I don't think that this sense of confidence and assertiveness is necessarily attributed to NoFap itself rather it's about finding ways to have a better sexual relationship with yourself. When it comes to cultivating that healthier relationship, a lot of it depends on what's making that relationship unhealthy in the first place and what your particular situation is like. Solutions to problems tend to be as unique as the problem is itself. Overall I feel that for some people, NoFap can be beneficial but for other people it can miss the mark in dealing with the actual problem or worse lead to a form of repression. 

Edited August 3, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The Place for the Female Gaze on this Forum 

There is this sense of isolation that I feel here. I think I always felt it but I'm starting to notice it more and be more mindful of it as I've been writing in this journal. I know damn well that women aren't really on this forum and that a lot of things, especially things that relate to dating and sexuality, are largely filtered through the male gaze. I feel like as I've been delving into the ways that I view sex and sexuality as a whole, the contrast between the male gaze and the female gaze feels more and more clear.

In a way, I feel like I'm moving more into the construct aware stage where you start to really notice how much language and the paradigms you think with  (or hell even the way movies are shot) influences your reality internally and externally. Because when it comes to the topic of female sexuality and what is considered sexy according to the eyes of the average man and the average woman, you can tell a lot about a person's attitudes towards women implicitly or explicitly when you listen to them describe what aspect exactly they find attractive and how they choose to describe it. I'm pretty sure I mentioned this before but straight men describing a hot girl and lesbian/bisexual woman describing a hot girl (or hell how straight women describe hot girls even though they aren't attracted to them sexually) feel like completely different energies. Or even how the way men describe women they find attractive vs how the way women describe men who they find attractive feel like different energies. I'm probably going to get into that later in a different post that I have planned since I feel like I'm straying from the topic. 

But yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm journaling about my thoughts and experiences in the wrong place with the wrong audience. And I've noticed that as I've been becoming more aware of the difference between the male and female gaze through journaling and mindfulness, and the more the differences become more stark, the more uncomfortable going into the dating section of this forum feels. The dating section of this forum always made me uncomfortable for a variety of reasons to where I try to ignore it when I can. But after journaling on here, this feels like another level. I've also been taking more of a break from this forum and talking to other people in my life, both men and women, and I feel there is this clash between my direct experience with what people talk about on here.  

And tbh, this uncomfy feeling sometimes makes me hesitant to write out my thoughts here because I get an impression that people probably think I'm incredibly deluded and deceived when it comes to articulating my own desires. I don't think it's to the point where I get a sense of anxiety or that I'm afraid of what other people will say (like I'm pretty sure I'm not THAT important on this forum for the weirdos to target lol). But in a way, I feel like whenever this journal has a new post and goes up to the top of the "Self-Actualization Journals" section, there is a collective eyeroll. Again, I highly doubt the guys who would actually be triggered with my content would even have the patience to read my long posts and therefore I'm probably having an inflated sense of self in a way (like hey, you're not special, no one cares and no one is looking your way, you're good lol. Do what ever you want nothing matters.). But I guess there is this form of intimidation that comes with offering an alternative view that goes against the grain when you aren't even trying. And because I'm not trying to push anything and a lot of the stuff I'm saying is coming from an authentic exploration of my own desires and views, there is an even greater sense of vulnerability at play. 

I guess what this journal hits at more is how it reveals on how I sometimes feel out of place as a woman on this forum especially when I try to explain my views around dating and relationships. And while that can feel intimidating, articulating my point of view also feels rather empowering.  I feel like I'm carving out more of a space for women to do the same on here even if that means being able to relate to something that I wrote or rethinking something. 

[soos_mite_ah]

10 hours ago, lxlichael said:

@soos_mite_ah Or we need to start paying you to stay here so that other self aware women are attracted to spending time on the forum (regarding your post just above).

There's barely any males that I'm interested in communicating with on here for example and I'm sure there's many males that share my perspective and females that share yours.

LMAOOOO

10 hours ago, lxlichael said:

This is good, it shows a lot of self awareness and cognitive empathy (your views have good points its pretty crass in many sections of the forum), just a natural part of psychological integration and it'll be a positive influence on other women here that I'm sure read your journal.

There is the crassness but on top of that I feel like there aren't that many constructive discussions that happen around sexuality in general. I feel like I have better conversations about all of this irl or on other social media platforms.  There is just a lot of bullshit to weed through around here. 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 7/18/2021 at 3:36 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Future Posts Brainstorm: 

As I have been writing these posts, I have been thinking about how I could write another post going in-depth of a tangent that I caught myself drifting off to.  Even throughout my day I have been getting ideas for more and more topics I could talk about. I thought I'd list some of that out just kind of as a sticky note to myself but also a preview of what's to come 

Also, if anyone else has any more ideas about what else I could write and reflect about, as usual, feel free to offer input. 

• My Relationship with Porn  crossing this out because it's the next post I want to make
• The Ways I Connected to My Sexuality as a Virgin Asexual
• Using Your Love Language for Self-Care
• The Diversity of Asexuality
• Nudism
• Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized 
• Racial Fetishization: How Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum
• Exhibitionism 
• My Thoughts on Monogamy 
• Purity Culture 
• Thoughts on NoFap 
• Vanilla Shaming and the Normalization of Rough Sex 
• Kink Shaming
• My Fears Around Pregnancy 
• K Dramas and the Female Gaze 
• Does Sex Actually Sell? 
• Asexual Stereotypes 
• Sexuality vs Sexual Orientation 
• Infantilizing Lack of Experience 
• Hands and the Female Gaze: Why So Many Women are Into Hands 
• Somethings I Want for My First Time 
• Sex Addition and Hyper Sexuality 
• Things and People I'm Attracted To still have more things I want to add on to this but I'm crossing it out because I touched on it
• Friend Zoning 
• FOMO and Being a Virgin Later Than Most of Your Peers 
• Foreplay and Aftercare 
• The Online BDSM Test 
• The Link Between Homophobia and Sexism: Why I Don't Trust Homophobic Men 
• Art Work That I Really Like 
• Fellas, Is It Gay to Want a Relationship? 
• Hook Up Culture: How Progressive Is it Really 
• Sexual Empowerment Through the Spiral Dynamics Stages
• Sugar Baby Culture 
• My Thoughts on No Strings Attached Sex

Just wanted to cross a few things out to see how much ground I'm covering when it comes to the things I want to talk about. It's been a little more than 2 weeks since I jotted this list down quickly. Even though I didn't have a specific post related to each of these items, there are posts that I really go into it to where I do end up expressing most of the thoughts I wanted to express. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

My Relationship With Porn 

I feel like this topic is a natural transition considering on how my last post was on NoFap, my opinions on it, and how there is a lot of discussion around misusing porn and getting an addiction from it in NoFap spaces. I think it would be best to break this thing down chronologically. 

So I first got exposed to porn when I was 13/14 years old. I didn't care for it all that much. I watched a couple videos here and there just out of pure curiosity. But I will say that I got on the rough sex section really easily and I wasn't mature enough to handle what I was seeing and the messed up what I thought was supposed to be pleasurable for a few years. I wrote about the normalization of rough sex and my experience with it in another post on this journal: 

 Then at 14, that's when I found out asexuality was a thing and I had a strong suspicion that it was a label that applied to me. But I didn't want to go around telling I was asexual without contemplating this on my own. In addition to me contemplating and figuring out whether or not I felt sexual attraction, 14 year old me thought it was a ~*brilliant*~ idea to go on a porn binge. Basically my logic was *what if I watched a bunch of different videos in different categories to see if any thing turns me on and if nothing turns me on I guess I really am asexual.* Because what if I'm not asexual and I just have a really weird fetish or kink that I never knew about. 

Honestly, this binge left me feeling really drained and simply bored out of my god damn mind. It was awful. There was nothing pleasurable about it. And with this experience I concluded that I must be asexual because literally nothing that I watched during that binge turned me on in the slightest. 

Around 15/16 or so, I had a lot of body image issues. I think one time I saw a picture of Mia Khalifa in just regular clothes and I was like *you know what, low key we have a similar body type.* It's REALLY weird. She's like the same height and weight and she even has the same shoe size as me. The only difference is that her boobs are fake and she has abs and I don't have abs but my boobs are real. I guess you win some and you lose some lol. 

I watched a couple of her videos and I didn't get turned on (again, mind you I still identified as asexual) but I did get this sense of *I am seeing myself in this situation.* I started watching more porn as this weird sense of validation because women who physically had similar body types as me be seen in a desirable light. Because often times in the media, being really skinny and often really tall is seen as the ideal. And I am neither one of those things. And while porn got me out of this loop I had playing in my head of how ugly I looked and how disgusting my body was, I still didn't see myself as beautiful. It's messed up on how depiction of curvier women, even outside of porn, when they are portrayed in a positive light, it is always the light of sexiness rather than beauty. Sometimes it feels like there are two sides. Either you're being told that you're a fatty that needs to lose weight or no one will ever find you attractive or it's people staring at you from a young age and mainly focusing on your ass and tits and then you get told to covered up because now you're a whore who is asking for it.

Also around 15 or so, I would use porn as a way to motivate myself to work out and eat better and it's so messed up in hindsight. I'm experiencing a lot of cringe when I write this paragraph out. But it reinforced this idea that I have to look a certain way to be seen as desirable and worthy of intimacy. I guess at the time it felt like a better, more realistic alternative. Because my body is closer to Mia Khalifa than it is to the average Victoria Secret model. It felt like watching my body but like an optimized version of it. 

This whole body image thing can be a post of it's own tbh.  But the bottom line is that I went from seeing myself through this lens of ugliness to this lens of objectification. Both are dehumanizing. 

From like 17 and on wards, I didn't (and currently don't) watch a lot of porn. I have reasons for this. First of all, there is the racism aspect. Especially when it comes to the dehumanization of black men and just reducing them down to their dicks and there being this whole fetish on dark skinned black men fucking really tiny pale petite blonde women just is ewwwwww....... There is a lot of unpack here and that can be it's own post. I feel like whenever I watch porn, I need to watch white people porn to avoid dealing with the whole fetishization aspect. But then that also reinforces a lot of racial standards around beauty and desirability so there is no winning. 

Second there is the boredom aspect of it. I mentioned that porn made me bored out of my god damn mind earlier in this post. While me identifying as asexual has a huge part in it, I think the male gaze also has a large impact. There is a quote that I feel sums things up well. It goes along the lines of "when you watch porn, you're not watching a man and a woman, you're watching a penis and a vagina." And that really resonates with me. A lot of straight porn feels like it's devoid of connection and chemistry. It also doesn't do a good job on depicting pleasure for women because that isn't the audience that is usually kept in mind during shooting. I remember reading and article on why straight women often prefer lesbian porn over straight porn. A lot of it has to do with how lesbian porn has more of an emphasis on foreplay, giving/receiving oral, and things that actually make women cum. I mean, most women don't climax with penetration alone and when it comes to straight porn, penetration is the main thing that is depicted. 

Also related to the boredom aspect, there isn't much of an emphasis on the guy at all. Half of the time the guy is fucking ugly and the other half of the time he's just a penis and there is nothing that is there that would appeal to a woman's senses in the situation of watching a video. And as a result, I find myself getting bored and critiquing the interior design of the set and why the curtains don't match the rug literally. I would also say that blow job scenes do absolutely nothing for me. I think it would be fun to give one but watching someone else give one is boring. I would say that I wish they had a female pov but honestly, I just end up thinking about this meme about what you see vs what she sees: 

I would also say that I wish there was more of a plot and a sense of context in porn but then again knowing how notoriously bad porn acting is, I think I'll pass. But then again, you can create a feeling of intimacy and focus on how something feels rather than what something looks like through the way scenes are shot and what kinds of positions people are in. I really think there is a lot of things in porn that looks good on camera but probably wouldn't feel as good physically. 

Ok on second thought maybe we should have more bad acting and plot devices in porn because this is hilarious. This guy seems so genuinely confused and is giving me himbo energy. I love this. The comments on this video also kill me. 

 And finally, there is the exploitation part of it. The whole industry is shady. There is a lot of revenge porn out there. There are people who get pressured to do certain scenes. And the whole thing just doesn't feel right. That's not to demonize porn but it's to point out on how badly sex workers get treated and how things get leaked without people's consent (another post for another day). Every now and then I do watch it just for something quick or some inspiration for my own imagination. Usually I don't watch more than a couple videos every other week or so. I've found other things that work for me. There isn't really a dependence or an addiction surrounding porn for me. I can go weeks and months without watching it and I'd be fine and I wouldn't have any cravings or a sense of repression because of it. 

I don't think there is inherently anything wrong with porn. I do think there needs to be more education around porn and what it depicts along with better practices in the industry. Imma do a part 2. 

[soos_mite_ah]

My Relationship With Porn Part 2:  A Healthier Form of Porn 

I don't see porn as something that would be gone in a conscious society. I think it can be an incredibly beautiful of capturing intimacy. I sometimes feel that the beauty aspect of the whole thing is often lost in the process. Again, there needs to be a lot of conversations and a lot of unpacking around racism and fetishizing people. There needs to be more conversation around consent. There needs to be better treatment for sex workers. 

I also feel that a lot of porn that is usually geared towards women tends to do a better job at dealing with these things. Mainstream porn isn't something that I find particularly exciting and while porn isn't usually my go to, the porn that are usually geared towards women tends to be better quality imo. Even though I talked a lot about the negative aspects of porn, I will say that I feel like dabbling in it a little bit has helped figure out what to do, what I might like, and things I want to try. It helped me explore things more when I was in a situation when I couldn't really do that. And that exploration helped me be more in touch with my sexuality as a whole. I think moderation and regulation is more or less the name of the game. 

I think that things like camming and having an only fans also helped. I don't know much about the adult film industry before the internet simply because I wasn't around back then but I'm pretty sure that filming something yourself and then uploading that on your own accord is much safer than meeting up in some shady back alley. I can't say that I know a lot of the exploitation in the industry, how things have changed over the years, and the exact problems we have today but this is the general impression I'm getting. Idk tbh and if anyone is willing to educate me more on this or point me towards some resources, I'd be happy to check it out. 

Porn isn't something that's going to disappear. It's something that is going to continue to evolve. Like I'm pretty sure there are even cave paintings of people having sex. I know damn well that people use to use art and literature as a way of expressing themselves and their desires. It's something that pretty much every civilization indulged in: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_erotic_depictions. 

And I think that to make porn more human is to bring back a sense of beauty and artistic flair or dare I say spirituality and intimacy back into the picture. The end product doesn't have to be something that is super gentle or censored or has this huge plot attached to it. It can be short, intense and vulgar even. But I think humanizing something and incorporating a sense of intimacy means to have a holistic and integrated view on it. I'm pretty sure I sound like a broken record but again, it's about the over all vibe and emotional energy that is put out there. I know I talked about this before on how I find porn boring and hell unstimulating but I feel that mainstream porn has such a focus on how the person having sex looks and not enough focus on how the whole thing physically feels, emotionally feels, what the set is like, the noises (like the amount that the women scream and the lack of men moaning is honestly just not it) etc.  Camera shots are also incredibly important. For me, a huge close up on a penis ramming into a vagina does nothing to me. 

Instead, show me decent foreplay. Show me people actually making out for a while and have that build up instead of showing a guy force his tongue down a woman's throat for 3 seconds and then fucking her right away. Show me the way a man grabs a woman's wrist (or just the way a man uses his hands in general. Like it isn't about the hands themselves but it's what he does with them). Show me the way people embrace one another or the way their fingers interlock. Show me the way someone gets pushed down and the way they feel the weight of the other person on top of them. Show me the fear, the comfort, the melancholy, the pleasure, the pain, the excitement, the love that is in a person's eyes. Show me the heavy breathing. Show me the way people melt into one another. Show me something more than a bunch of naked people and a few penises and vaginas. 

That's the problem with mainstream porn in my opinion. It shows a lot naked bodies doing things but it doesn't reveal all that much. I don't think mainstream porn is revealing enough or stimulating enough. 

Personally given that a lot internet porn is boring af to me, I find myself resorting to audio, something to read, or just my own imagination instead. Recently, however, I've been cutting back on even reading things and relying more heavily on my own imagination. I have a couple of reasons for this. One is that I think it would be more helpful if I didn't have any outside influences muddying the waters of what I'm into. I want to see what I come up with organically without outside inspiration. The other reason is because I've been really sexually frustrated lately to where these things feel like they are reinforcing this idea that sex is something that isn't for me and that it’s something for other people. It hasn’t been the most emotionally healthy thing for me lately and I feel like there is a lot to unpack there before I do anything.

[soos_mite_ah]

The Relationship Between Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter 

I described different sides to my sexuality and labeled them as different seasons as I saw them fit. Something that I like to do when I'm reflecting on my emotions or a certain aspect of my personality is that I like to personify that aspect. By personifying that aspect, I feel like I'm better at picking up more nuances and sensing broader themes. I was inspired to take this approach after I watch the movie Inside Out which follows this one girl who has these emotions that are personified into different characters. And the way that the characters interact with one another and the way that these characters feel are all a metaphor of what is happening emotionally with this girl. Basically Pixar was like ***What if feelings HAD FEELINGS?!?!?!**** and I love them for that. 

Being Externally Focused vs Being Inwardly Focused

If Spring, Summer Fall and Winter were people, this is how I think they'd fall under the whole introversion/ extroversion spectrum. 

Spring is an introvert. She's shy and she ends up blushing easily. And even though she enjoys her alone time, Spring also really values the few connections that she does have. She is very quality over quantity. 

Summer is an extrovert. She's gets a thrill out of putting herself out there and she wants to go out frequently. She's impulsive and bold and she tries to get the other seasons out of their comfort zone. 

Fall is an introvert. She isn't so much shy as she is more so pensive. She has a more intense energy and people tend to have strong reactions when they first see her. Either they are overwhelmed and feel the need to stay back or their curiosity is ignited and they want to come closer. Either way, she doesn't have to do much to get people to act this way. 

Winter is an ambivert. She comes across as an introvert because of how much she values minding her own business but there is a sense of being externally focused because she is someone who is assertive in her own work. 

The Ways They Don't Appeal to the Male Gaze and Sometimes Get Backlash 

I always felt that the male gaze has a tendency of oversimplifying female sexuality and it typically falls into the whole madonna/whore complex. I tried to describe different aspects of my personality to break out of this and have a more nuanced view of myself. And in doing so, I noticed on how each aspect themselves are complex and how if each of the seasons were people, people would lose their god damn minds. 

Spring looks like the poster child for traditional femininity. She is docile, she would rather not sleep around, and she has this sweetness to her. Guys, particularly the ones that don't want any form of emotional connection get irritated. They tend to write her off as boring, as prude, or assume that she's religious. Or worse, in some cases they try to infantilize her or fetishize her lack of experience. Spring doesn't care most of the time but sometimes it gets to her. She still stays firm in her boundaries because she knows exactly how vulnerable this whole thing is for her and she wants to do what's healthy for her. 

Summer is the party girl that gets written off as a whore with no standards. People mainly assume this about her without knowing her at all and by simply looking the way her body is shaped and the way that she chooses to dress even though it isn't true. In addition to that, she sometimes has to deal with comments of how vain and how fake her look is and how her hair, her makeup, and her nails to impress men. People also sometimes feel the need to tell her how men prefer the more natural look and how her look repels men. Summer really doesn't care. She's just focused on being her authentic self loudly. But behind the confidence, sometimes she's afraid of the potential consequences of being so unapologetic 

Fall is the one that looks scary because she has a resting bitch face most of the time. Men keep telling her to smile more or they try to take a hit on her femininity on the notion that she isn't delicate enough or submissive enough and that's why men don't want her. They accuse her of being too masculine but Fall thinks these people are stupid because they have such limited notions of masculinity and femininity to where they only see them in binaries. On a good day, Fall finds a sense of enjoyment in purposefully pissing men like this off. On a bad day, she wants to retreat back and remove herself from the situation using her unavailability as a coping mechanism. 

Winter is the one who insists on working on herself, having boundaries, and minding her own business. There is this sense of shame that can come from a woman taking time for herself or engaging in self pleasure. It's threatening to the people who believe that the ideal woman is someone who keeps giving without expecting anything in return. It's threatening to the people who view female sexuality as dirty. By some, she gets written off as being sinful. By some she gets written off as not feminine enough because of her boundaries. And by some, she gets labeled as too sentimental because of the amount of time she spends on herself. Winter copes with this by remaining private about her life. People can't judge what they don't know. Again, for better and for worse, she minds her own business 

Taking a More Submissive role vs a More Dominant Role 

Spring is the most submissive out of all of the seasons. She likes it when someone takes the lead and is gentle with her so she doesn't feel like she has to do this whole thing on her own. She likes to lie back and be admired and let people come to her. She plays up the traditional dynamics. 

Summer is more experimental and likes to switch between being more submissive and being more dominant. It really depends on the day as a lot of Summer's approach is rooted in spontaneity. But even when she is submissive, her assertiveness comes out in the form of intensity. She leans assertive  

Fall is the most dominant out of all of the seasons. She enjoys taking control and has a commanding presence.  She likes having an active role during sex even when in occasion she gives back control to others. She contradicts traditional dynamics and likes challenging people emotionally.

Winter switches between being more submissive and being more dominant like Summer. While Summer leans assertive, Winter leans toward giving into whatever she is experiencing even though she is taking an active role in the experience 

All of the Seasons are Comfortable with Sex 

Spring can come off as the type to repress but she's comfortable with sex, just really selective with who she shares that side. 

Summer doesn't care. She isn't promiscuous but she is very open about discussing these topics and expressing herself. 

Fall's comfort around sex comes from a sense of curiosity and open-mindedness.  

Winter enjoys taking time to figure out what she likes and strengthening her relationship to herself. It's almost a spiritual/replenishing experience. 

 

And they are all different aspects of the same goddamn person. 

Edited August 4, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Infantilizing Lack of Experience 

This is something that really rubs me the wrong way.  I've been in two separate instances where when a person found out I was inexperienced they reacted with "awww you're so innocent and pure." Idk, I also think it's relevant to add that this was said by two girls my age back when I was in high school. My thing is, why would having sex make you any less pure or any less innocent? I get that some people decide to be more sexually active at a younger age because they feel ready and that's perfectly fine. But it's still important to consider that even if you decide to be active at a young age, it's still important to know that you're still a kid. And I don't mean that in a condescending way but I mean that in the sense that having sex doesn't make you any less innocent/ pure. Especially if you're a woman. I want to emphasize the last part because of the way people tend to shame women and think their value drops because they "have been ran through." Like ok, you're 15 and you wanted to have sex. That's fine and valid. But you're a 15 year old who decided to have sex, that's it. You're not a grown woman and nor should you have the expectations or all the experiences of being a grown woman on your shoulders before you're ready and mature enough to handle them. You're not grown and you're definitely not "fast." I feel like this is also a huge issue in a lot of POC communities where WOC are sexualized and aged up even when they are still kids. 

I think that when you're a teenager or young adult, there are some people who have this pseudomaturity complex thing going on where they think they are all grown up because they are drinking, smoking, and/or having sex. I'm sure most people grow out of this eventually, but I have met people who think I'm boring or childlike because I don't engage in these things. Usually I brush it off because those people are usually not the types of people I want to deal with anyway. Like great...you're getting laid. It's not a personality trait lol. 

But what I'll admit gets to me is how people view losing your virginity as a rite of passage of sorts (especially for men). It's really silly but sometimes I feel that because I haven't done anything sexual, that it makes me emotionally stunted or undeveloped. I kind of reassure myself by reminding myself how that doesn't even make sense because I technically didn't even want to have sex until recently. And even if I did want to have sex, I didn't have access to birth control so I wouldn't be able to act on those desires in a safe, nonanxiety inducing  way. 

This is a tangent of sorts but when you're asexual, one of the issues I ran into was that there were some people who assume that you're childish or a saint of some sort because of your orientation. And it always struck me as so weird. Like, why would you put me on a pedestal for not having urges and not feeling attraction or why would you think I'm childish based on what I do with my body? 

But yeah, I feel like after a certain age, there is more pressure to run through these milestones more quickly. There are people who I've encountered who had this attitude of "just get this over with and grow up." Again, this rubs me the wrong way. I don't want to do anything until I feel ready. I feel like if I were to do anything before I'm ready, it would be nonconsensual in a way. It wouldn't be in the traditional way where the other person violates my boundaries but more so along the lines I violated my own boundaries by not listening to my intuition and forcing myself into a situation I technically didn't want to be in and only did so because I felt this rush of peer pressure to act on it to "get it over with."  

Also the way the media spins things definitely doesn't help either. It's like every coming of age movie basically has sex and relationships as a major component. Let's just say that I know plenty of people whose teens and early 20s don't look like a coming of age movies and are mainly filled with being stressed about school, work, and family instead. Maybe it's my social circle idk. 

Again, this thing is much worse for men because your masculinity it tied to it. Which again.. fucked up for a variety of reasons. Not only is losing you virginity a rite of passage but it's like a badge of masculinity of sorts. Sometimes I get the idea that guys who really internalize this sense of thinking and when that's mixed with insecurity, they end up seeing women as conquests instead of people. Which leads to all sorts of creepy and desperate behaviors that often make women feel pressured to be in situations or just straight up assaulted. Like this whole thing really messes with people and can lead to a variety of mental health issues and a bunch of people feeling super unsafe.  And for what? To be seen as a man? To be seen as grown? 

I feel like this post is a little all over the place and that its a conglomeration of a bunch or random thoughts in the subject. I know that I talked a lot about how sex makes people feel grown and not a lot about how not having sex makes people feel like kids in a sense. But basically it's two sides of the same coin.  I guess I just needed to vent because my lack of experience makes me feel like I'm less of an adult and that I'm naive / childish / don't know what I'm talking about. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

This is tangentially related the previous post in the way it talks about different milestones, relationships, growing up, and being a "late bloomer" whatever the fuck that means (and how it isn't a bad thing).

I also remembered that I have this quote saved on my phone. I have no idea where it's from and I probably jotted down at 2 am because something resonated with me. 

Quote

It's better to react a little too late than jump the gun too soon and get yourself into a situation you can't reverse, or is inauthentic, or is actually corroding you because you don't know how to fix it. It's always better to be a little bit of a late bloomer in every category. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Warning!!! I'm going to go into more detail than usual on this post. Tbh I don't know how much of a warning is needed because I personally don't think that anything I'm writing about is particularly gross or scandalous but I thought I still put a warning there. 

Also, if  other women have advice or clarification on this particular post, that is more than welcome because I for one have absolutely no clue what I'm going and I'm kind of confused lol.

Multiple Orgasms? Am I Doing it Right?

Ok, so right off the bat, when it comes to the topic of multiple orgasms, I get a little confused. Is it having multiple types of orgasms in one go? Is it having a single orgasm multiple times in a session? What does the same session even mean? 

I guess I can start off with my own experience for some context. Normally I stop after maybe 1 or 2. Most of the time I find myself feeling too exhausted and sensitive to continue. Sometimes a little overstimulation is nice but it can be overdone and not so fun. I can do more than 2 if the orgasms I'm having aren't super intense. My regular orgasm is just a standard clitoral one and the way it plays out for me is that I orgasm. Initially it feels really intense and it lasts for a minute. I feel it throughout my whole body and I know I did a good job when I really feel the rush in my arms. I'm not left completely shaking but my legs do feel that way for a couple minutes. And then when the initial high wears off, I get this gentle pulsating feeling throughout the rest of my body for another 15-20 or so minutes (the longest I felt it was 40 minutes).  As it fades out, it feels more gentle and relaxing. And during this time, I can't really do anything without feeling overstimulated. I guess I could do a form of penetration but I'll get to that in a minute. Basically this whole ordeal from me doing what I need to do to turn myself on, to me orgasming, to me slowing down , to me finally feeling like I can continue again without feeling over stimulated can take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and a half depending on how fast or slow I want to take it (on average I take like 40-50 minutes). But yeah the whole thing is time consuming and intense and I don't know how people can do this 5+ times. To be honest, I don't even know whether or not this what I'm experiencing is even considered intense because I don't have a frame of reference and I only know through the context of my own experience and this is what is normal for me.

Then there is the whole thing with penetration. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong but it just doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel bad either but it's not something that really stimulates me. Like I've found my whole g spot and everything but it was anti-climactic (literally) and didn't make much of a difference. Also, I can't put more than two fingers inside without it feeling like I don't have much room. The thought of anything other than my own tiny fingers going in there freaks me out a little. Like I get that being too small isn't much of a concern considering I should technically be able to have a baby come out of there and that this might be because I'm not properly aroused. But at the same time, I don't think a lack of arousal, a lack of self trust, or limiting beliefs around sex is the problem. Maybe I'm just not used to having things enter me and that's something that I need to slowly ease myself into? Because 90% of the time, I'm just focused on the outside because I'm used to getting clitoral orgasms and I feel like focusing on penetration just makes the process of orgasming longer. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I tried to do this thing last night where instead of stopping at my usual 1 or 2, I went for 4. At the end of it, my legs felt super wobbly and I didn't want to do anything anymore. It didn't hurt but it felt weird to walk. My legs felt like jello. I went to the bathroom, washed up, took out my contacts, and as soon as my head hit the pillow I fell asleep. I woke up and I did sleep 8 hours but I woke up still feeling exhausted. My legs still felt like jello for the rest of the day but it wasn't as bad as last night and I could pretty much do anything without it looking weird (hell, it's been like 24 hours and my legs still don't feel normal). But yeah... even though that felt nice at the moment, I don't think I want to repeat that. Actually scratch that, after the 3rd time, part of me wanted to stop because it felt like too much. 

Again, I don't know if I'm doing this wrong. I don't know if I take a weirdly long time in between having an orgasm and then being able to continue again. I don't know if all of this can be considered part of the same "session" or if this would be considered 4 separate ones. I don't know if being this tight is normal or if penetration just feels different when you're going it with someone else and if that makes a difference in how many times you orgasm and how quickly you get turned on. And finally I DON'T KNOW HOW TF SOME PEOPLE HAVE MORE THAN 5 ORGASMS. Either yall are having a bunch of tiny orgasms yall quickly recover from and you need more because you aren't satisfied yet or some people are lying because that's what my direct experience is pointing towards.  

[soos_mite_ah]

7 hours ago, modmyth said:

Hey, I've been reading all of your recent entries and have had some thoughts, but this one I definitely wanted to respond to, because I think these types of open conversations are really important. There's still way too much mystery and ambiguity around the process of sex and orgasming for women, particularly from our direct perspective and what it is like for us individually. I'm really glad that you opened up this conversation.

I was trying to decide whether or not to post this but I decided to do it because a number of google searches still left me confused af and thought that this was important to discuss. And just in general, thought/comments/responses are always welcome.

8 hours ago, modmyth said:

From my understanding, I would say both, like either/or. Like it can also include having one long orgasm with multiple discernible peaks (like a few orgasms smushed together) or it can be having an orgasm, having a short refractory period (if you need one, or maybe not), rinse and repeat. Like if I get up for a water break, I still count it as the same session. If I take a break for 5 minutes, get distracted and do something else, I don't.

Ok this makes more sense thanks.

8 hours ago, modmyth said:

Getting overstimulated from 1-2 clitoral orgasms (and needing a refractory period) is pretty normal, to my knowledge. I remember being like this as a teenager especially, but I can very much still be this way even now; it depends on a number of factors.

TBH vaginas can be kind of moody anyway. I tend to find that my own mood/ emotional state factors into as well. I've also found that where I am in my monthly cycle seems to affect how I feel too.

I think i remember reading somewhere that a lot of the moodiness of the vagina can be tied to hormonal fluctuations and where you're at in your cycle.  

8 hours ago, modmyth said:

Toys help a lot with the "work" aspect of it. Like, 5+ times with my own hand? It's possible, but my wrists and fingers are going to hurt after. (Also, it's going to mess up my manicure.)

Definitely had the hand cramp thing happen to me lol. I'm thinking about getting a toy but not yet because my parents tend to go through my stuff and I don't want to deal with all of that lol. 

8 hours ago, modmyth said:

So it was not been uncommon for me especially when I was younger to stick a finger or two in myself and not feel that much either, as it can possibly feel almost non sexual, especially if I hadn't come clitorally first. (Just generally, it's not uncommon to “warm up” before any penetration by coming clitorally first.) Or sometimes, I would feel a lot more, but I would have to be REALLY into it. I also didn't feel that way at first, like at first it did nothing for me (but TBH I wasn't sure then if I was really dissociated from my body; I think a degree of dissociation from your body regardless of specific traumas is actually very common for women/ girls because of our sexual morals and attitude towards our bodies). Anyway, the way sensations were experienced changed a lot over the course of years and shifting sexual experience.

There has been something like that part of my body (my gspot, and then a bit later, my cervix) becoming more sensitive and more attuned to stimulation over the years.

I relate to the whole think almost feeling non sexual. I think there is that element of getting attuned to stimulation with more experience that is important to consider. 

8 hours ago, modmyth said:

That's relatable, haha. It's not surprising that you were exhausted. Wouldn't your clit get numb/ sore after that long?

And then you'll feel it the next day, for sure. Maybe a bit longer.

I didn't feel sore or numb, just really sleepy to where it didn't feel like I was dozing off in a relaxed way  but more like knocking tf out as soon as I closed my eyes. Overall, I don't think I want to repeat that lmao. 

8 hours ago, modmyth said:

I think that the advice that you normally get from professionals that give advice to women (what do you even call this job description ???) is that there really is no wrong way to do it, aka. whatever feels good and works for you personally. It tends to take time to figure this out, possibly years.

Having a vibrator helps a lot with getting off more quickly, as well as switching up the source of the orgasms (like switching between external to internal orgasms, which you might be able to right away even if you're in your refractory period from a clit orgasm).

After writing all that down,  I started to reflect more on what would even be considered pleasurable for me personally.  There was a part of me after that whole incident that was like *great, I guess I'm boring in bed and lack stamina because I don't want to do this all night and because I'm satisfied with a couple orgasms instead of feeling the need to have more and more.* But there was another part of me that was like *wait.. no.. lets unpack that. Why does the length of the session, the intensity of an orgasm, and the number of orgasms you have all have to be metrics?* Because yeah I took my time with this whole thing and I came more than usual but I didn't come out of it feeling more satisfied than I normally would. And there have been times where I was satisfied with really short sessions that weren't super intense because that's what I was wanting at the moment. Maybe I should come up with my own metrics instead. 

I think porn and pop culture has a role in defining what "good sex" is supposed to look like and feel like especially when it comes to female pleasure. I think women tend to not be as disillusioned by all of this because of direct experience. Like no, it isn't going to feel good if you try to ram your dick inside of me with like 5 seconds of foreplay and no I'm probably not going to be moaning and screaming like a banshee. But there is still this notion that longer=better, more orgasms=better, more intensity= better when that isn't always the case and there is some gray area which is why communicating as well as figuring out what feels good to you personally is all the more important. 

8 hours ago, modmyth said:

He would also often switch between different types of stimulation and it wouldn't be uncommon for me to come at least 5-10+ times in single session. There is like a level of your body becoming acclimatized to the source of stimulation as well. What is was "a lot" at first, I started to get more used to.

Honestly, I found that sometimes than more than anything, squirting each time would be the most exhausting thing, not just having orgasms. After, usually towards the end, my body would be like... yep. I'm done.

I find that the more I come, the more pleasurable it tends to get in that session. And the easier it gets to come as well. The first 1-2 often feel like “starter orgasms” and like "breaking the seal" (in terms of ease of orgasming) unless it's a particularly long, drawn out, and teased affair. Then not so much.

That makes a lot of sense.

[soos_mite_ah]

8 hours ago, modmyth said:

The right length of time/ number of orgasms is always what feels right for yourself! (Or between you and other people.) For myself personally, I find this is in a very moment thing and I never count time. I've found that it's really important to respect your own boundaries and physical and emotional feelings, which is something that I struggled with in the past at least partially because of trauma-related issues, but also because it's not a thing that necessarily comes to you easily especially based on your own upbringing and past influences, whether cultural/societal or personal. We're taught this idea of consent (god... hopefully), but we're not really taught as much about what it's like to develop sexual and bodily self awareness in a feeling sort of way. And I've found that's the most important thing, to but your own feeling and subjective feeling first. Like if you're tired or feeling sick or something, or even emotionally if you're not feeling it, that matters. If it doesn't feel good, it just doesn't, full stop. Likewise if you don't want to, then you don't. (Duly noting that some people have more of a fluid sense of boundaries and preferences, but that's also something you become more acutely aware of with experience, and that this can also change with time, experience, and especially comfort/ safety levels.)

8 hours ago, modmyth said:

People shouldn't feel bad because they just don't feel like it and it doesn't feel good. I would say that you can't really force, push, or guilt/ emotionally coerce yourself into a position into the feeling part of sexual expression anyway (although being pushed is also legitimately some people's thing; it's definitely not mine and also that only works in a less problematic way when you have self-awareness, a sort of respect for yourself and your body, and the ability to communicate). Nor would you get to that place of "more" anyway because you had preset expectations, especially cultural ones from the outset. It's not a competition anyway, like a dick/ vag measuring contest.

I really like this point. I feel like when it comes to conversations around consent, particularly in the context of sex, honoring other people's boundaries are talked about more than you respecting your own boundaries when it comes to body awareness. I really feel like body awareness isn't something that is spoken about enough if at all. 

8 hours ago, modmyth said:

Lord, there are so many things going wrong in porn logistically speaking.

It is very male centered, and I've never found "female-friendly" porn to be much better. Its usually centered around the male orgasm, as in it starts and stops with it.

Porn that is marketed toward women imo is a little better but really not by that much. It just feels like a softer version of mainstream porn without much difference. On one hand it does feel like better quality next to mainstream porn but on the other hand it still feels like the bare minimum. 

8 hours ago, modmyth said:

Sexual feeling is about becoming more embodied, and less about some kind of analytical performance and how you see yourself or how others see you from the outside. Porn does tend to encourage you to see yourself and your partner in that way, and it doesn't do much for the actual subjective quality of sex, getting off, or being in tune with your body or someone else's body. (I realize in retrospect that might not always come through in my writing.)

I really like this point and I agree. I think that having a good self image and a healthy attitude towards sex is the most important. Still working on the embodying part emotionally.  Didn't realize how much I had to unpack and write out until I started this journal tbh. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I'm in a very ???? kind of mood at the moment. I'm just really in the mood for nuzzling into someone's neck, chest, or shoulders or have someone do the same to me. I also really want to hold onto someone's arm almost in a physically clingy way while holding his hand. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized: Part 1 

A heads up before I even start: This is going to be all over the place and may or may not make sense because I'm writing this out to organize my own thoughts and I'm low key confused myself. In other words, as I'm writing this, I feel like this spongebob meme: 

Something I've been thinking about in the past few days is how I feel like I'm often sexualized and looked at mainly through a sexual lens while also feeling incredibly ugly and undesirable to where I feel like I'm going to die a virgin. Basically, I feel like I can't be sexual but I often feel sexualized. 

And I feel like I can't admit to myself how I feel ugly and undesirable in the eyes of other people.  My brain immediately points to "well you can't complain about feeling undesirable, I'm sure if you put yourself out there, plenty of people would want to fuck you. You're built like a Kardashian without trying. There are women out there who try to get surgery to get what you naturally have and there are men out there who like pictures of women on Instagram who are trying to emulate what you have and that pisses off their girlfriends." But I still feel ugly and undesirable.

*sigh* There's a lot to unpack.

If I were to summarize my thoughts without getting too messy and detailed, I would say this. The difference between being sexualized and being sexual comes down to consent. Being sexualized is something that is put onto you. Being sexual is something that you choose for yourself. Being desirable has it's root in empathy. 

I guess the only way all of this will make sense as it pertains to this weird complex I have is if I go chronologically. So I went to elementary school in a mainly white area. I remember getting the message of what it means to be beautiful really quickly, skinny, tall, blonde, blue eyes. I on the other hand was a short chubby brown kid, basically the opposite of the spectrum. And all of the kids, both girls and guys, just labelled me as ugly. They never pointed at one particular trait and laughed. They never even pointed in my brownness. They just thought I was ugly without any awareness that this might have a racial undertone. At that age I didn't even think  it had anything to do with my ethnicity until I had to unpack this shit in therapy more than a decade later. 

Then I got to middle school. And I would say that the environment was pretty diverse. I would say that there are handful of experiences that basically foreshadowed the bs that I would have to deal with as an adult. One time I liked a guy and he rejected me. That sucked but I got over it. What caused me to get trauma from this incident and cry myself asleep a week later was when I found it's because he "only dates white girls." I was 12 and I had no idea how to handle this and my family definitely didn't help and my grandma insisted on trying to bleach my skin and get me to lose weight. Another time I guy liked me and I rejected him. It was kinda awkward because we were both socially awkward 13 year olds but it honestly wasn't that bad and I moved on with my life without a second thought an hour later. What actually made this uncomfortable was that a coupled months later I found out that this guy had a princess Jasmine fetish and basically had an Asian fetish mixed a white savior complex. 

(also now that I think about it, throughout middle and high school, most of the white girls had a boyfriend and some of the WOC who had Eurocentric features also were in relationships, the rest of us were single). 

So that was the race part. Now I'm going to talk about the way that my body developed. 

Growing up (and even now to a much lesser extent), I felt fat and as a result ugly. Looking back at old pictures, I really wasn't fat, just short and as a result a little squishy because my weight didn't distribute like the skinny tall kids. The standards of the early 2000s really messed with my head and I have written about that in the past. I also started physically developing at a earlier age. So while all of the other kids still looked like kids, I looked grown. And race doesn't help either since women of color tend to be seen as older at an earlier age and be robbed of their childhood in a way. And my curvier body on one hand was deemed disgusting by the standard of thinness and thigh gaps while at the same I had men twice my age look at me and yell vulgar things at me.  And instead of having an adult guide me through this and explain to me what was going on, I instead had my mom call me a fat whore who's asking for it just by existing. She made sure I covered up and made sure I never ate too much. But even when I covered up and starved myself to a size zero in plain sight, my tits and my ass still remained. I still looked like a grown woman because of how I'm built.

And even though I'm in college, I don't really get guys my age hitting on me. I always get approached by guys who are roughly a decade older than me. And even though I consider myself lucky that I have yet to run into someone super sketchy since all of these guys backed off after they found out how old I was, I also feel like I don't exist to guys my age romantically or sexually (I guess it's relevant to mention that I go to a predominantly white university where racism tends to run rampant). I brought this up with friends and they told me that  " you don't look like a teenager or someone in their early 20s because of the way you're built."  It's like even though these guys probably weren't creeps who were just looking to have sex and leave (tbh I don't even know because the conversation never lasted so long for me to figure out), I still felt sexualized I guess because of the way I was aged up and the way that reminded me of the shit dealt with growing up. I'm sometimes tempted to try to lose weight again just so I look my age but I remind myself that I tried that before and it didn't go over too well. 

After dealing with all of this, I still learned to see myself as beautiful. I genuinely think I'm beautiful. But I do have a hesitation when it comes to whether or not other people see me in that way. There is only so much you can heal in a toxic system. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized: Part 2

So from part 1, basically what I was getting at is that because of both racism and fatphobia, growing up I was seen as both undesirable as well as a fetish of sorts.

In this part, I'm going to talk about how being sexualized has been at odds with me feeling like I can express myself and see myself as sexual. I think fetishization and sexualization are also at odds with feeling desired romantically and sexually because of the way you're dehumanized. Don't get me wrong, I like it when I'm approached by guys, complimented or hell even looked. When it comes to being looked at even in a sexual, it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the staring. I have seen hot guys too and I get the temptation to stare. But I have the decency of doing the shifty eye thing where you do quick glances at their direction and that's it. Staring on the other hand is fucking creepy and makes you feel like prey. I feel like even though staring and glancing can both have attraction attached to it, out of the two, staring (even when you do the bare minimum and don't yell weird shit( lacks empathy and social awareness because you aren't taking what the other person might be feeling in those circumstances. And basically, I think that element of empathy is what separates someone from seeing another person as beautiful and sexy vs being gross and objectifying them. 

I also have a bunch of outfits that I feel sexy in but I'm too afraid to wear them outside of my house because men are trash. It's just funny how if misogyny wasn't a thing, my outfits would probably be more revealing. Tbh, I'd probably be shirtless more often. But since that's not happening in my life time, I guess I'm stuck feeling envious of the guys who can just walk around shirtless with no one caring and I'm stuck thinking to myself *maybe I would have my tits out if people like you didn't exist* when a guy yells at me to flash him. 

I feel like because of the way I'm sexualized that I don't feel like I can express myself authentically. Like there is a safety concern that pops up. Because people, especially men, don't get nuance, I feel like if I were to express myself and embody my own sexuality more and put myself in a situation where I'm desired, if there is some weird or creepy shit that someone does, it would be justified with "wait isn't this what you wanted? Didn't you want the attention and to be desired?" 

There is also a part of me that can't take myself seriously as someone who is sexy or desirable. I think there is two parts on how I don't feel like I fit this archetype of seduction. I feel so silly because it's comical on how it isn't super authentic. It's one thing to not resonate with something because it doesn't feel authentic. That's fine. But the other factor that I would want to unpack is how this feels silly and comical. While I can laugh this off, I guess the reason why I'm laughing in the first place is because there is a part of my head that's subconsciously like "you don't seriously think you're like this are you? Like come on. No one would attracted to you of all people." 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I was seen as beautiful and sexy in an empathetic light that doesn't make me feel like I have to be vigilant on how I'm being treated. 

[soos_mite_ah]

God I really just want a hug right now and some reassurance that things will be alright....like I feel really deprived of physical touch and emotional connection and tbh I feel wrong for feeling this way because part of me is like "no you cant lean on anyone except yourself stop being needy" and I'm really trying to deconstruct that. 

[Raphael]

I'm giving you an internet hug. Take care.