I can't take being a coward anymore...

[tatsumaru]

A couple of years ago something that I perceived as extremely traumatic happened to me.
A health meltdown, existential crisis, death of a parent, severe depression, institutional betrayal and a very dark spiritual episode all converged and occurred at the same time for me. Honestly I thought it was impossible for a person to be in so much pain at the same time without dying or going mad, but somehow I didn't die or kill myself. I think I was just too stubborn to do it. There's something in me that just doesn't allow me to give up no matter how intense and unbearable the suffering gets.

Now 6 years later a lot of those issues have somewhat resolved at least to a degree, however what I did back then in order to cope with the overwhelming pain was to simply shutdown my emotions and turn myself into some sort of an empty husk. I still feel emotions, I still cry to good music and romantic movies, but something feels way off, it's like I turned the emotional volume from 100% to 10% for the majority of things in life.
For example a beautiful sunset does nothing for me, the annual meeting with my grandparents feels like a chore (I used to love it as a kid), even the fear of death seems to have somewhat disappeared.
In my favorite translation of the Tao Te Ching it is said: "If the people do not fear death, for reasons of extreme poverty or suffering, what is the point of threatening them with death?"

It's like my heart is covered in cobwebs and trash.

There is this scene in Batman: The Dark Knight Rises:

After so much failures, regrets and suffering I feel like I am in a similar situation and that I am no longer a human being but just a husk.
It is very likely that I am simply too afraid to face the possibility of such suffering again and have therefore repressed myself.
But I want to be a full-fledged human being again. I want to feel, I want to strive, I want to live, not simply be alive in some mental prison.

I want to live in a way that when it's time to go I won't die alone in some hospital bed full of regrets and sorrows, a coward.
I don't want to be a coward anymore, I can't take it, it's just fear fear fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of pain, fear of suffering, fear of uncertainty, fear of doubt, fear of madness even fear of fucking fear.
I've always been a fucking coward, but I can't do it anymore. It's too painful to live my whole life in the simulation of my imagination but never in actual life.

Please help me... I've been hearing the call to begin the hero's journey for many years now but I've been too afraid to make the first step. I am paralyzed.
I've been stagnant for so many years that I am starting to feel like I am developing spiritual "bed sores".

I feel completely saturated by this mediocrity, by always not doing what I am supposed to do, by this simulation of a life.
Half of my life has passed already so I don't have too much time left, but I want to make it count.
I want to escape this mental prison I've put myself into and never ever return to it again, never.
How can I escape?

Thank you.

[Bojan V]

@tatsumaru Hi

You are in a difficult position emotionaly and after thinking about how to reply to you, to be honest i don't know what to say to make you feel better. But i will try...

We all have some childhood traumas. And later experiences in our lives can and do serve as a trigger and as a result of that the pain comes on the surface to be seen and to be healed. If we can not process that, then we block the pain again even more. The result is a feeling or a state of being empthy shell. The only solution, as i see it ( and i believe you already know that) is to accept the rejected painful parts of our (relative) selves. Now i know this is very hard and sometimes we need the help of others. My sugestion to you would be that you look up for a professional psyhotherapist. I am certainly not competent to help you in that way.

And you are not a coward! You are only unable to look at your wounds becose it hurts so much. Many of us are trying to avoid them. But unhealed wounds are like a "bleedthrough" and there comes a time we have to face it. I think that time is almost here for you ( and for many of us).

You are not alone in this and i hope that by knowing this you find some consolation...

?

 

[ted73104]

Yes, you really need to see a therapist and get your inner issues resolved. Totally agree with @Bojan V on that. This is a lot of work, you will even need to find the suitable therapist for yourself first. But I hope you go see a therapist soon, because the longer you leave these internal issues hanging, the harder it will be to resolve them later on.

Life to us is very personal, and I think it should be. The problem though is that sometimes we take it way too personally. The world and everyone else is basically totally fine with what kind of person you are. I mean, really! It is only you who cannot accept how the world and other people react to you.

You have a very strong desire for something. The desire is so strong, that when the world is not able to give you what you really want, you suffer inside. And yeah, life is brutal in this way. You have to strategically engineer and create the life you want. All that takes a huge amount of effort, but is absolutely doable no matter what position you're in.

People look down upon themselves too easily. They prop up others very easily too, when the truth is that everyone is very very ordinary. If you search really hard for the objective truth, there is nothing special about anyone. No one is better than you, everyone would be exactly the same as you are if they were in your shoes.

Life is ultimately......... a game. It is just a fucking game. And if you didn't know, it is your game. We are all just the characters that you've projected outwards. On this stage, you've branded yourself the coward. But since this is just a game, doesn't really matter what kind of character you're playing. I mean, if you think you're a coward, then that's great. Just be the coward. Try to accept yourself for just what you are. There is a lot fun being the coward. Embrace the coward! How do you become the hero if you don't know what the coward is like? How do you become the hero when you can't even love and accept the coward? After you've learned to accept from a wider perspective, go whichever way you wish.

What you really want in the end, is not anything external. It is not this shiny heroic image that you imagine you should be. It is just love. A deep love and connection with everyone including yourself. True love. I hope you have the courage to find it.

[Mu_]

On 5/21/2021 at 10:39 AM, tatsumaru said:

A couple of years ago something that I perceived as extremely traumatic happened to me.
A health meltdown, existential crisis, death of a parent, severe depression, institutional betrayal and a very dark spiritual episode all converged and occurred at the same time for me. Honestly I thought it was impossible for a person to be in so much pain at the same time without dying or going mad, but somehow I didn't die or kill myself. I think I was just too stubborn to do it. There's something in me that just doesn't allow me to give up no matter how intense and unbearable the suffering gets.

Now 6 years later a lot of those issues have somewhat resolved at least to a degree, however what I did back then in order to cope with the overwhelming pain was to simply shutdown my emotions and turn myself into some sort of an empty husk. I still feel emotions, I still cry to good music and romantic movies, but something feels way off, it's like I turned the emotional volume from 100% to 10% for the majority of things in life.
For example a beautiful sunset does nothing for me, the annual meeting with my grandparents feels like a chore (I used to love it as a kid), even the fear of death seems to have somewhat disappeared.
In my favorite translation of the Tao Te Ching it is said: "If the people do not fear death, for reasons of extreme poverty or suffering, what is the point of threatening them with death?"

It's like my heart is covered in cobwebs and trash.

There is this scene in Batman: The Dark Knight Rises:

After so much failures, regrets and suffering I feel like I am in a similar situation and that I am no longer a human being but just a husk.
It is very likely that I am simply too afraid to face the possibility of such suffering again and have therefore repressed myself.
But I want to be a full-fledged human being again. I want to feel, I want to strive, I want to live, not simply be alive in some mental prison.

I want to live in a way that when it's time to go I won't die alone in some hospital bed full of regrets and sorrows, a coward.
I don't want to be a coward anymore, I can't take it, it's just fear fear fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of pain, fear of suffering, fear of uncertainty, fear of doubt, fear of madness even fear of fucking fear.
I've always been a fucking coward, but I can't do it anymore. It's too painful to live my whole life in the simulation of my imagination but never in actual life.

Please help me... I've been hearing the call to begin the hero's journey for many years now but I've been too afraid to make the first step. I am paralyzed.
I've been stagnant for so many years that I am starting to feel like I am developing spiritual "bed sores".

I feel completely saturated by this mediocrity, by always not doing what I am supposed to do, by this simulation of a life.
Half of my life has passed already so I don't have too much time left, but I want to make it count.
I want to escape this mental prison I've put myself into and never ever return to it again, never.
How can I escape?

Thank you.

Sounds like to me you may be ready to tell fear, fuck you.  Fear happens to you, you do not happen to fear.  Fuck what it says.  Live what you want and walk forward with fear if it cares to come with you.  Fear is your bitch, you are not fears bitch.  Feel free to visit my site or send me a message, I may be able to help if you want to talk more about this.  If not, it may be wise to talk to someone professionally about this.

[Logan]

One of the biggest things is to recognize the language that you use with yourself. When you call yourself a coward, a failure, mediocre, you are just creating a (negative) positive feedback loop. I suggest mindfulness meditation to calm your mind and note your thoughts. When you notice harmful self talk or thoughts, note them. Let them go. Then use mantras to replace your harmful language with a more healing and kind language.

Examples of mantras I've used:

-(During inhale) I am a mountain... (Exhale) I am strong, solid & stable.

-Every day in every way I am getting stronger and stronger.

-I give myself the love I need.

-I am not my thoughts. All that is real is what I am experiencing now in this moment.

 

When a thought is especially bad, note it, and then stare at your hand. Note the difference between concept (thinking) and reality (your hand).

 

You are not alone. There are millions going through similar pain and suffering that you are experiencing. I went through it and made it out. You can to. Feel free to ask more questions. I have lots of techniques and mindsets to share if you want. 

Make sure to find a good therapist. One who is open-minded and non judgmental. It took me three tries but found one I worked well with and it was very helpful.

Edited May 24, 2021 by Logan