⛓️ Key Chain ⛓️

[Loba]

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Sittin' in the backseat
We're drivin' so fast
Hands out the window
We're not goin' back
Somewhere on a green hill
Laughin' so loud
Takin' my body
And you're taking it down

Break me down
And I'll call you mine
And I know I've been around
And I'll call you mine, and I'll-
Break me down
And I'll call you mine
And I know I've been around

Sitting in the backseat
We're driving so fast
Living in a daydream
It's too good to last
Rainy days and bad luck
Come in my way
I look for you when I'm lost
So I don't go insane

"You've found Me."

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Red Symbolizes a Call for Attention

• It has been said that red is a color that transcends the physical world and calls to the ancestors in the spirit world. For ceremony and pow-wow, Native Americans dressed their children in red as an introduction to the ancestors – calling upon them as guardians to the young. However, the color red had other uses and symbolic meanings that differ among Indigenous tribes in North America. It has been used by the young warrior painting his face and his horse, it has also been used to beautify the faces of young women and their clothing. Today, the role of red is being used to call attention to the invisible – missing and murdered.

When living on my own, during the peak of fever/delirium - I took this advice to heart.  I collected many things as gifts and prepared them in a bag with a wolf on it.  When I looked at the stitching of the bag from the other side - it reminded me that all I need to look is through the underside to the fabric of reality to Know where I needed to go. 
Growing up, my mother had this large red hoodie that had a picture of Pike Place Market on it.  I would wear it everywhere.  She eventually bought me one of my own, and in the grips of illness, I often wore it everywhere with me and to bed, incase I died in my sleep.  I wanted to be sure I would be seen, to be retrieved and brought home - in case the process was confusing.

Personal mythology is a strange thing - it looks so counterintuitive from the outside, but if you follow it long enough, at times you may find something somewhat fruitful, depending on how you want to look at it.

"Hearing the Harvest, We dream of Eden..."

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Bhairava

• Bhairava (Sanskrit: भैरव, lit. frightful) or Kala Bhairava is a Shaivite deity worshiped by Hindus. Apte's Sanskrit dictionary mentions ॠः in devanagiri for Bhairava. In Shaivism, he is a powerful manifestation, or avatar, of Shiva associated with annihilation.
• Bhairava originates from the word bhīru, which means "fearsome". Bhairava means "terribly fearsome form". It is also known as one who destroys fear or one who is beyond fear. One interpretation is that he protects his devotees from dreadful enemies, greed, lust and anger. These enemies are dangerous as they never allow humans to seek God within.
• Bhairava is also called upon as protector, as he guards the eight directions of the universe. In Shiva temples, when the temple is closed, the keys are placed before Bhairava. Bhairava is also described as the protector of women. He is described as the protector of the timid and in general women who are timid in nature.

Most Fearful Form

• In certain subsects of Hinduism, he is equaled to the entire Universe and the most important deity in the Tantric sect.
• Kala Bhairava is considered to be the ultimate judge for souls and even Yama cannot interfere in his decisions.
• Kala Bhairava has a pitch-black complexion with protruding teeth.
• He is seen with a black dog who is considered to be his mount.
• He is also known as Khestrapala or the protector or guardian of the cosmos. 

Divine Couple - Shiva-Shakti

• In the Tantric cosmology, the whole universe is perceived as being created, penetrated and sustained by two fundamental forces, which are permanently in a perfect, indestructible union. These forces or universal aspects are called Shiva and Shakti.

• The tradition has associated to these principles a form, respectively that of a masculine deity and that of a feminine one. Accordingly, Shiva represents the constitutive elements of the universe, while Shakti is the dynamic potency, which makes these elements come to life and act.

• From a metaphysical point of view, the divine couple Shiva-Shakti corresponds to two essential aspects of the One: the masculine principle, which represents the abiding aspect of God, and the feminine principle, which represents Its Energy, the Force which acts in the manifested world, life itself considered at a cosmic level.

• From this point of view, Shakti represents the immanent aspect of the Divine, that is the act of active participation in the act of creation. Maybe exactly this Tantric view of the Feminine in creation contributed to the orientation of the human being towards the active principles of the universe, rather than towards those of pure transcendence.

• Therefore, Shiva defines the traits specific to pure transcendence and is normally associated, from this point of view, to a manifestation of Shakti who is somewhat terrible (such as Kali and Durga), personification of Her own untamed and limitless manifestation.

• Owing to the fact that in a way, Shakti is more accessible to the human understanding (because this regards aspects of life that are closely related to the human condition inside the creation), the cult of the Goddess (DEVI) has spread more forcibly.

• This cult was combined with notions of the Shamkhya philosophy and has offered the premises necessary to the later Maya doctrine, formulated by the sage Shankaracharya.

• This possibility of combining, of interpenetration of two or more notions belonging to two or more spiritual systems is due to the fact that the Hindu philosophical systems are not isolated, closed systems, but complex and manageable doctrines, which may adjust and may be understood from different perspectives.

• The Samkhya philosophy promulgates a primordial cosmic duality. From the Tantric perspective, this “scheme” of creation is transformed, in the sense that the two cosmic principles are considered united, not separated. This is the fundamental difference introduced by Tantra, based on a conception that favours the unity between the two principles, opposed in appearance, but indissoluble united in each act of the creation.

• Nevertheless, Tantrism confers to Shiva and Shakti the qualities of the feminine and masculine principles from the Samkhya philosophy.

• The idea of an act of fertilization at the divine, purely spiritual level comes to life and is admitted in the tantric cosmogonic conception, unlike the Samkhya philosophy. The eternal and indestructible union between Shiva and Shakti gives birth to the whole Macrocosm, in its stable, static aspect as well as in its dynamic one.

• The different representations in the rich tantric iconography obviously underline the antithetic characteristics of the two principles, determining a more clear understanding.

• Thus, on one hand is presented the cosmic dance of Shakti on the lying body of Shiva. On the other hand, the two deities are pictured in what is called VIPARITA-MAITHUNA, meaning tantric sexual union. This sexual union is different from what is usually understood by this in the western traditions, in the sense that man is immobile, while the woman, embracing him, assumes an active role during the sexual act.

• In conclusion, the Tantrism envisages the cosmic evolution as a polarization within the Supreme Being, which is God, the Unmanifested Absolute, in its two fundamental aspects: static and kinetic.

• Tantra symbolizes this aspect by comparing the couple Shiva and Shakti with a seed of grain (CHANAKA). Such a seed is made up of two halves so closely linked that they seem one, and one single cover covers them. Symbolically, the two halves represent Shiva and Shakti, the cover represents Maya (the cosmic illusion). When the cover is on, the two halves are separated, but the cover goes off when the seed is about to germinate, unifying thus the two halves in one.

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This journal is my shrine to you, Wolf.  All my work has been to get back to you somehow.  Devotion to the sacred, essential masculine.
I wouldn't say that I am in love - but I am trying - much like how a devotee takes up Bhakti yoga to come to understand the nature of the universe.
I do this for you...

It is the meditation of your nature that brings me close.  I suppose it would be for anyone, and the deity that they pick - an unrelenting desire to get to the bottom of what makes you... well... you.

An idea hit me today... how do you work?  How do I sit within your heart as you run rampant across the cosmos, devouring everything in sight?  You won't stop until it all comes down to you, and then things will reset.  And there I will be, still sitting in a partitioned area of your heart and soul, until you call for me to bring about this new world, I suppose - resting now, patiently in the womb of my heart.

Until then, I'd like to think that I'll find my peace in a forest.  Something made entirely of you, all of the trees, the sky, the water, the dirt - wholly composed of your being.  You will stay here with me, moving in two ways - one nature set aside for your light, and one for your devouring quality - a tear in two directions, both gnashing and loving at the same time.  Being, of course, a sexual creature, I wonder what it will feel like to be with you?
I think of you as a pale, raven haired young man with blue eyes - a representation of the universe, of the night's sky - or at times a black wolf with pale blue eyes.  I imagine myself remolded, young again and healthy, radiant and milky white.  I bend over on my knees, arms resting on a log that overlooks the entire forest.  You are inside of me.  Volatile.  Loving.  Hungry.  Well-fed.  A man.  A wolf.  A man.  A wolf.  I think of the cord that connects me to you, this anchoring thing and how good it will feel to have that pulled into you.  It will be like a wave of perpetual orgasm, no blockages to my nature, just pure and free and I will feel so in love.  Whispers from my mouth, "Good... good... good...I love you..."

Inside, deeper, harder, faster.  Roar it out of you.  Make the cosmos shake and quake.  I'll have a soft and willowy little frame.  Remolded.  Ideal.  You'll move within me, there will be a bulge in my stomach.  I might press on it with my hand, to bring the protrusion deeper into my guts.  Closer, closer, it's all I want.  And then, a pause, you shudder... a feeling of warmth.  You rest on me for a moment before pulling out, the contents spilling out onto the ground from which flowers grow.  The seed of life.

And yeah, they whisper
Don't forget me now
See the morning
All out pain went down
Nobody left
Purify
We built an idol
To burn the bodies down

Delicious ape, you are undelicious ape
Comic, hairy, gross, childish arms
Banging all the time on garbage drums
Will tremble before your tallows mess
Naming himself after a god and that god is the god of undelicious apes

For appearance
Sick and devout
Seek forgiveness
In horror, pain, and flight

You remember me now?
Covered in blood
'Til the rain came down
Let it recall
Soaked in blood
Some never learned
Of the radiant dawn

You remember me now?
Choking and burning
In the rays of the dawn

Stop haunting me
It was long ago
Burn candles
Purify
Let me go

Edited September 29, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

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Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me, makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Night, night of matter
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

You're stumbling in the dark
You're stumbling in the dark

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"Then it's not about dreams fading when we wake up. It's about forgetting our real purpose when we fall asleep... it's basically a story about to people who, on occasion, briefly imagine happiness, only for it to slip away again the busyness of everyday life. Who deep down know what would truly fulfill them, yet are afraid to act on it, afraid to make themselves vulnerable."

Musubi - Japanese Knot Tying

• Musubi is an element that keeps resurfacing in this movie. It's something that binds a lot, if not all of the storyline together. Mitsuha's grandmother describes it as: “Musubi is the old way of calling the guardian kami. Tying thread is musubi. connecting people is musubi. these are all the kami's power. So the braided cords that we make are the kami's art and represent the flow of time itself. They converge and take shape. they twist, tangle, sometimes unravel, break, then connect again. That’s musubi. That's time." By this small fragment alone, you can already tell it plays a big role in the story, considering that Mitsuha and Taki are somehow connected, despite of the time difference. So what exactly is musubi and what roll does it play or has it played in Japanese culture?
   
• Musubi has a lot of different meanings and can refer to a variety of different subjects and most meanings can be connected to the movie. Its meaning ‘knot; bond’ can refer to musubi-knotting or Cupid. Its meaning 'creation' can refer to musubi as an element of Shintoism. It can even refer to food. The first two meanings we will discuss in more depth.
   
• Throughout the movie, the one thing that has always physically connected Mitsuha and Taki was the braided cord that you see Mitsuha use to tie up her hair in the first moments of the movie. At first, you don’t think much of it, but you can see that sometimes Taki wears it too and later on it becomes clear that Mitsuha gave Taki this cord. It will be the object that has Taki thinking and remembering his body switching with Mitsuha, after the comet struck and he forgot their memories. Like Mitsuha’s grandmother said: kumihimo, braided cords, that’s musubi. It connects them, like the cords of musubi are tangled and connected by this difficult process of braiding. This cord of Mitsuha is the clearest physical representation of musubi in the movie.

• Mitsuha’s grandmother says musubi is connecting people, like kumihimo connects cords. This story of Musubi no kami shows that it also binds loved ones, which is what Mitsuha and Taki become throughout the movie.

True Love Knot

• Since ancient times, knots have been used to symbolize love and union. Even today, knots feature in marriage rituals around the globe, and in artwork and jewelry. The simple design and fluidity of the knot lends itself to the fashion world while its symbolism elevates its purpose.

• Since ancient times, knots have been associated with love, union and the concept of eternal and unbreakable love. In many cultures, knots feature in marriage rituals as a symbol of an unbreakable bond.

"Tying the knot.  Sabina, your sexuality is pure allegory, can you See this?"

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Parvati and Shiva - A Love Story

• Many of us suppress our highest potential. Often hurt by past experiences, we shield our emotional body to protect ourselves from further injury. This process of retreat is mimicked by Shiva when he lost his great beloved Sati. In grief, Shiva sat in meditation for thousands of years neglecting his duties of dissolution and destruction.
   
• One day, Brahma, the god of creation, looked around and saw that nature had lost its luster. The world was stagnate. Without Shiva bringing everything to a state of dissolution, Brahma could not create—ideas could not be born, creativity and imagination were blocked. Brahma went to the great feminine force, Shakti, for help. Shakti told Brahma she would be born in a human female form to bring Shiva back into the world.
   
• To ebb and flow through waves of emotion is human. Although at times we sink, we are often able to return to stable ground. Sometimes we go so deep that we get lost in our darkness. Absorbed and hiding in meditation, Shiva represents the times when we become impotent. Whether we are inert due to depression, fear, laziness, or exhaustion, we can become idle. Creativity and imagination don’t flow. There is no luster or shine in our lives because we are not allowing ourselves to transform, take risks, open our hearts, and feel.

• Shakti was reborn as Parvati. Her whole life, Parvati had a special love in her heart for Shiva. As a young girl, she sat in the meadow fluttering her eyes at him, placing flowers at his feet, cooing his name, and daydreaming about him opening his eyes, taking her into his arms, and feeling love’s embrace. Yet this never happened. All her daydreaming was not doing anything but frustrating her.

• Parvati decided to act. She went to the god of love, Kama, and asked him to shoot an arrow into Shiva’s heart to arouse him. She was sure this would work. Kama, always down for love, shot an arrow into Shiva’s heart and woke him out of meditation. He opened his eyes and feeling the stirring of passion in his body, became enraged that he was brought out of his meditation. With a roar, he opened his third eye, and fire shot out and incinerated Kama. Shiva closed all three of his eyes and retreated inward. Parvati, distraught that her plan failed, sat and thought about what to do next.

• Fear arrives cloaked as distraction, procrastination, and dissuasion. When you have to snack, avoid friends, update your social media status, or hide in the dark, you feed fear. The best way to tackle fear is through action. How many times have you begun a project, a paper, a career, or a dream, only to run head-on into a speed bump and give up? Or showed your true self to someone, only to later feel embarrassed at your vulnerability? This is often the place where many people give up, put down their dreams, and retreat back to their comfort zone. Yet this is also where the powers of inner strength begin to rise and the process of dissolution starts. This is where layers of baggage burn away, limiting thoughts diminish, and fear lessens.

• Parvati begins to meditate. For thousands of years, she stands on one leg in hot coals. For thousands of years, she stands on the other leg in the cold snow. During these meditations, she builds tapas, inner heat, and her own power grows so strong that Shiva, deep in his meditation, feels her presence and awakens from his meditation. Shiva and Parvati marry and between their love-making, discuss yoga.

• Parvati doesn’t gain Shiva’s attention because she is beautiful. She gains his attention because her inner light was brilliant. Parvati, unable to rely on wishing and hoping, has to go on an inner journey. Each of us has this journey to go on. Along the way, we fall down, tip over, get twisted, and arrive wiser. Parvati represents that part of us that doesn’t give up. She shows us that hard work and inner discipline are necessary for growth.

• Whenever we desire something that makes us feel alive, we must travel to our heart center to find it. We look at people who seem to be living our dream and wish for their attention, their money, their love, their luck, or their life. This story shows us we can manifest our desires into reality, but we have to be willing to do the work. Let go of expectations and get in the dirt. Parvati did not raise her vibrations by placing flowers dotingly at Shiva’s feet, but rather by standing on her own. Connect to the dazzling brilliance within, believe in your own inner strength, continue to develop your inner power, and experience how everything unfolds for you.

"Do you remember Me?  When you unraveled the room, and all that remained was My presence?  This essential underlying construction?  Our mutual curation...  It Is This.  You dance upon My static nature and give it life.  Do you remember how it felt?  What I told you?  That we have been playing this game for all eternity?  You construct a narrative around forgetting Me, only to come to find Me in everything that builds your reality.  Spinning, twirling, breathing, writhing - life - I catch you into Me like a net and mold your soul into the contents of My heart.  This is the nature of things such as us.  You spent so much of your time looking into Kali's nature, that you forgot about your other half.  Now you have both.  She is you.  Do you See this?

Kitty came back home from on the island
But Kitty came on home without a name
She and me's a history for violence
But I long, I burn to touch her just the same

So we both can speak in tongues
So we both can speak in tongues

Every single sense in me is heightened
There's nothing left inside to rearrange
And like a slave to history and science
I long, I burn to touch you just the same

So we both can speak in tongues
So we both can speak in tongues

Until the universe is done
And the course of time has run
So we both can speak in tongues

Don't let them have their way
Don't let them have their way
You're beautiful and so blasé
So please don't let them have their way
Don't fall back into the decay
There is no law we must obey
So please don't let them have their way
Don't give in to yesterday

We can build a new tomorrow
Today

[Loba]

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It doesn't hurt me
Do you wanna feel how it feels?
Do you wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you wanna hear about the deal that I'm making?
You, it's you and me

And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building
If I only could, oh

You don't wanna hurt me
But see how deep the bullet lies
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder
Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts

Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, it's you and me
It's you and me won't be unhappy

And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building
Say, if I only could, oh

You
It's you and me
It's you and me won't be unhappy

"C'mon, baby, c'mon, darling
Let me steal this moment from you now
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling
Let's exchange the experience, oh..."

And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
I'd be running up that road
Be running up that hill
With no problems

"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill."

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? About Your Soul Blueprint

WHAT'S A BLUEPRINT?

• Your Soul’s Blueprint is the energetic grid that surrounds you. Within this spiritual matrix lies your soul's software, map, original design and architecture plan. While invisible to most, the data within your blueprint contains your highest purpose, information and tools to best fulfill your life’s highest purpose and mission.
• Much like snowflakes, no two blueprints are the same. Each is a gift and the unique design you were born with. Your Blueprint is designed to be your spiritual home and navigational system wherever you go.

THE BASIC STRUCTURE OF THE BLUEPRINT AND HOW IT WORKS.

• Your Soul's Blueprint is designed to house all aspects of you ( your mind, body, heart, and soul's software). Operating within this container is where all aspects of you can best integrate, synchronize, and work together. Under one roof and housed within your Blueprint makes for efficiency and your path much easier.
• Your mind, body and heart are the vehicles of your journey while the energetic grid of your blueprint holds your soul's information system (software). When you become aware and reconnect back to the center of the energetic grid of your blueprint, it becomes active, alive and accessible to you once again. Your soul's energetic grid, now reintegrated with the rest of you, is what fuels, drives and empowers your life’s mission. Your soul's operational system is complete. All parts of you can work together as a team to best navigate your life's path of higher purpose.
• In this complete integration and reactivation is where you can fully access your soul's power, wisdom and navigational system. It's purpose is to provide you the best and most efficient tool available to you for your life's journey. It is the ideal equipment for the life of higher purpose and Agents of Light and Change. It is here where we can feel centered and most at home.

IN MORE MODERN TERMS, YOUR SOUL'S BLUEPRINT IS YOUR SOUL'S ORIGINAL SOFTWARE.

• In more modern terms, your soul’s blueprint is your soul's original software. program and design. It is your soul’s technology. Like any software, it simply needs to be reinstalled, switched on and accessed once again.

BUT OUR BLUEPRINTS HAVE BEEN DORMANT.

• While we each have this energetic grid, our blueprints have been dormant for some time. They have been there, but asleep. They have been laying dormant because we not only forgot about them, but we have were cut off from them and our own inherent soul’s wisdom. The wisdom of the blueprint was lost. This ancient art of accessing, reading and activating the blueprint was also lost. that The wisdom of the Blueprint has returned. You can access and activate Your Soul's Blueprint once again.

Your Name?

A comet appears and mysteriously affects and connects the lives of two teenagers of the same age, a boy in the big, bustling city of Tokyo and a girl in a country village where life is slow but idyllic. They find for unknown reasons, they wake up in each other's bodies for weeks at a time. At first, they both think these experiences are just vivid dreams, but when the reality of their situations sinks in, they learn to adjust and even enjoy it. Soon they start to communicate and try to leave notes about who they are and what they are doing. But as they discover more about each other and the other's life, they uncover some disturbing hints that their distance is more than just physical and tragedy haunts them.

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I'm armed to the teeth
Like a fucking animal
Like a fucking animal
I ruin everything
I get my bony hands on

And here we go, now
Over the bridge of sighs
We will get a cross like Christ, crucified
It's like a birth but it is in reverse
Never gets better, always gets worse

Musings on masochism, collective suffering and sacrifice:

Near the end of this process, a little over a year ago - I was at the crux of my suffering.  I had been on my own, isolated for seven years and my mental health was beginning to unravel in a very serious manner.  Something would soon have to give way.  Most of my activity was relegated to self soothing actions.  Smoking weed, drinking coffee, eating bad food, writing, listening to music.  My body was in constant pain, but due to the weed intact - it numbed the pain or gave it a pleasant sensation, like stretching a muscle.  I could sit with it while I was high, and could focus on my spirituality with the massive amounts of caffeine that I would ingest.  My kitchen and bedroom were a mess, and I kept a lot of my personal belongings on my bed and slept on a mat in the livingroom, near the heater.  I often found myself staring off, somewhat catatonically, trying to bring this energy back into my system to communicate with it to garner some sense of safety and relief from the welling anxiety.  I felt I would soon die.  I spent my days and nights in my red hoodie, waiting for the spirits to reach out to me with their wisdom, with their comfort like they often had in the past.
There was a severely masochistic quality to all of this.  I hated it, but I had grown so used to it.  I felt completely dehumanized in every sense of the word and there was something cathartic about that.  It's as though the death drive will sing you a sweet song before putting you to sleep.  It's a slow poison that you don't quite know you're being fed until it's too late.  And by then you're boiled alive from it.  
I kept my artwork just above where I slept, in the hopes I could channel my "protector".  One night - I finally did... I was listening to the song that I've placed just above, letting the words sink in, when I felt his energy take me over.  I felt him everywhere, a wave of crystalline blackness.  It didn't stop there... as the music played on, I felt the words, "I wanna feel... I wanna feel" - it was the collective suffering of mankind.  Every negative action we have done to one another, rising up from the deep and running through my body.

It poured into me.  Like a slime mold reaching out in all directions.  I realized that this was the design of evolution, that at the end of the line, all anyone wants is to feel something.  This is the nature of consciousness, and it's truest desire, down to your very cells in your body.  Everything reaching out, climbing and pulsating in all directions.  Growing, devouring, multiplying, just so it can witness itself, so it can Know itself.  I curled up on the floor on my mat, with this song, looking into the eyes of this thing - and I could feel every victim that ever existed.  I was One with them.  This was Our legacy.  I had become a part of this wave, this energy that races through the hearts of mankind.  I no longer felt invisible.  I no longer felt voiceless.  And I knew that some day, our collective actions that we have taken against one another will sweep through, like a tsunami and crash into civilization when we least expect it.  A boomerang.  A slap to the face.  An invisible virus.
When a creature is dying, this is all that goes through its system as it clings to its faculties.  I want to feel.  I want to be alive and to know myself. 
When I got to the end of it, I desperately wanted to be sacrificed into it.  Into Him.  I had nothing left... nothing but this interconnected compassion for the suffering of mankind - and my for my protector.  I submitted myself completely to the deed.  I thoroughly gave up everything, and I released all control of my destiny.  We made a deal.  I asked to be taken when the time was right.  I simply wanted to give myself to everyone, and to be no more.  No more of this, no more.  I'd had enough.  Kill me.  Make it count.
There's a quality to it that was horrific, but so disgustingly delicious at the same time.  I felt defiled, degraded, broken and ruined and simultaneously elevated, hollowed out and remolded.  Everyone who ever suffered, who had reached the bottom of the human condition rested with me, while I was in front - and we moved, like a silent, deadly force of nature into the minds and hearts of society.
It was then that I Knew of God's Mercy.
There is a deep love, an undeniably interconnected love at the very bottom that you do not obtain when you're in the middle.  To know love, you must know suffering.  If you are good, true and open - God's love will hollow you out and elevate you.

"You Know Me.  Close, close, close... love Me.  Bleed for Me.  Keep Me in your heart, inundate your soul with My water.  I purify.  Do you See?"

I wanna feel...

I wanna feel...

I wanna feel...

I WANNA FEEL!

I WANNA FEEL!!!!!!

Do you wanna feel how it feels?
Do you wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you wanna hear about the deal that I'm making?

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A small rabbit lay dead in the grass underneath an oak tree as the full moon circled the center of it's milky eye.  It's neck was broken and it lay splayed out in an odd position.  Consciousness moved through the rabbit, over it, into it, taking in its soft fur and beautiful organs before pulling out and rising above the creature.  As it rose, it thought of it's life.  It has been eating soft grass near a fence close to a farm.  A fox had been stalking it.  When the fox got close enough, it gave chase and the rabbit fled.  After a few minutes of this, the poor animal zig-zagging through the tall grass, the fox finally caught it and gave its neck a swift shake.  The rabbit cried out and farm dogs off in the distance heard the squeal.  They started to bark.  The fox dropped the rabbit and ran away, leaving it to fade away under the old oak tree.  The rabbit lay there for a few minutes until its paralyzed body ran out of air.  It passed on, and stayed with its body for the rest of the day until the mid-evening when the moon was at its highest point.

The rabbit's soul continued to rise, connected to the moon's light by a thin silver string.  Up it went, past the Earth into space, and circled around the moon, with many other similar souls.  The rabbit remembered all of its previous lives and was given a deep inherent wisdom into the nature of its own truth, of the animal that it was.  It became a collective representation for every rabbit that ever lived, and was One with all of them.  These souls moved along, all connected to the surface of the moon, following a feeling of love for existence.  I love you... I love you... each one said to the other as they passed by.  Some of the souls would fly and dip into the imprints on the surface of the moon and as they passed into it, they delved into other dimensions and other worlds, before pulling out and rising back up into space.  The rabbit that was killed was brought to the front of the line, and asked to go forward.  It felt shy, it didn't think it would be the rabbit first in line.  The other rabbits told it that everyone who dies gets to go first.  They hurried the rabbit along to the front of the line - and it melded into a coiling spiral of pure love and was given the knowledge of the cosmos, before being brought back out and into a brand new world.  Purified.  Sanctified.  Set aside for a fresh beginning.  The rabbit thought of the blades of dew covered grass.

You don't wanna hurt me
But see how deep the bullet lies...

 

So you showed me around your town
To hell again and back
Our love has served to alienate
All the friends you depend on
I know it might seem odd

I know it might seem odd
Cause your not the only one
I remember my self as a lonely child
So I was
And you've got me wrong
You've got me wrong

(Ground your sense of worth
Til the spark of morning burns
And all those searching eyes
Could scold your tender mind)

Remember what they say
There's no shortcut to a dream
It's all blood and sweat
And life is what you manage in between

But what you don't know
Is you're too young and eager to love
Seething eyes
So you're about to get into
The ditch that you opened up

(Ground your sense of worth
Til the spark of morning burns
And all those searching eyes
Could scold your tender mind)

So the stars aligned
And leave you behind
You wanna sow it up
Here come the light
Of an autumn moon
Sister you know enough
But for now just let it go
Don't run, don't rush
Just flow

Through the give and take you had to learn
How to cross the coals and not get burned
But you're really just a little girl
Playing in the park until the sun goes down

Sometime you want to rise
One did it's our desire
No doubt you think you braided your own hair
So you're all grown up

Should you want to cross the line
Which way do you want to fly?
Pretend that love could help you find your way
But you got me wrong
Yeah you got me wrong

?????...

Edited October 1, 2022 by Loba
So you're about to get into the ditch that you opened up...

[Loba]

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paper and pen, pencil and eraser, glue and scissors, crayon and tape
origami and construction paper, notebook and textbook, ruler and protractor, compass and magnet

pencil case and scratchpad, report card and message
gold star and punishment and beads and shoes and pebbles and
forget it and search for it and lose it and find it and
break it and toss it and find it and fix it, your treasure

ethics and language and belongings and missing things and
math and social studies and homework and gym uniforms and
lies and truth and fads and play and

telling secrets and a voice murmuring close to the ear,

everything, everything, I can't remember it...
finally, I can forget.

I can change. I can change.

This song's visuals work similarly to how a psychic intuitive/shaman interprets spiritual contact.  How this whole process transpires...  The human spirit rests, dwelling within its room, or it's body - whichever you want to identify the square as being.  She calls out into the aether.  "Echo, echo, echo..."  After some time, various energies move through her system.  You can see that only a portion of them, of their knowledge breaking through into her reality.  You almost never get the whole picture.  They subsume her with imagery.  A hand, an egg, a wave... blood, a bloom.

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A dangerous and powerful animal.  This is how I work with Wolf.  He rests just outside of this reality, just beyond the fabric of humanly reach.  I poke my fingers in the fabric and play with him.  *poke poke poke*  *gnash gnash gnash*  He playfully gnashes his teeth and pulls his energy through, stretching the fabric and creating an indentation in my perception and occasionally moves away from the barrier to show his face unmasked before returning to the other side.

"Mr. Wolf, I have brough three more things for you that I've placed in my small wicker basket.  The first items are both of my eyes.  Here take them, please.  If you See out of them, you Will Know my experience, and my perception of the world.  I want you to Know this, to See if I have been moving in the right direction and to guide me if I am wrong or unTrue.  Thank you."
-
*takes the eyes out of the basket and hands them to Mr. Wolf*
-
"Mr. Wolf, the second item for you.  This is... my tongue.  It's silver and sharp, do you See?  I want to give you the ability to speak from my mouth when you need to.  To say what you have to say with your Truth and conviction.  I Know that you can't speak on your own without a human being to translate you words.  This is... the gift of speech.  Here, take it.  Place it in your mouth when you need to communicate.
-
*removes if from the basket and hands him my tongue, fresh, bloody and raw - still writhing with words yet unspoken*
-
"And finally... my soul blueprint.  I'm... um... I'm not very good at reading maps, you know?  So, with my eyes and my mouth, I was thinking that we could work together to unravel my purpose.  If there ever was one.  To at least take a peek and see what it is I am supposed to do, or supposed to be, or if just manifesting a proper death, if this is all that has ever been required of a human being.  You tell me.  I am listening..."
-
*hands Mr. Wolf a tightly bound map, strung up with a thin red rope*
-
"Good boy... thank you..."  *small smile*

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*timestamped*  "I can implant dreams as you want...  what kind of dream do you want me to make for you?"

A few days before I reached the end of my rope and found myself in the hospital for a time, I had been planning to commit suicide.  Pills.  I had them ready to go.  I had my "spiritual bag" full of symbolic items to take with me into the afterlife, in case I was stuck in bardo, I had my red hoodie, and I had those... pills.  I was so, so very close to this; the constant pain and fear of every day life was becoming too unbearable.  It became whittled down to only this as the option to take, despite being so afraid.  I could not take it anymore.
The closer I got to my inevitable death, the more options I was given by spirits into what I wanted for myself.  This particular spirit came to me.  It was the soul of a flower.  I realized that the closer we get to God, the more fractalized we become, that if one were to witness a higher consciousness outside of this dimension, it would move within God's patterns.  It would be divinely symmetrical and full of light.  I thought of the female womb and being completely overtaken by Her. Her love for me was like that of a mother, despite just having met me, I felt safe.  I thought of the nature of plant life and wondered if their intentions rose up to govern us like a bloom.  I wondered if the Earth held within it an ancient knowledge that one was privy to at the end of their line.  I looked into this flower, and begged wholeheartedly for a brand new dream.  I wondered how they viewed us, these perpetually dreaming creatures.  I felt to be a little child in the womb of a great Mother.

"With you."  This was my city.  In a sense.  These already exist on Earth, but symbolically, this is what I was presented with to create.  It felt like an island of lights within the pitch black prima materia.  As if there would be nothing but this stunning city composed of the bloom of humanity.  I could see the archetypes springing up from the buildings.  They were inert, but so alive.  I realized that to see this was something special.  That these grand wills, these intentions that govern our species are alive and they rest within our accomplishments, reaching up and out into the cosmos, touching the sky.  I was invited to become like them.  A great Will.  An architect.  They were the architects of humanity, of consciousness.  I'd peeled under the layer for a time and was given the option to elevate myself to another level.  To bleed through nature in such a way, but due to my paranoia and malice, I'd brought myself back down and I was not able to accomplish this.  It was a boomerang affect from participating in black magic against a bully who was harming me, and someone I was jealous of.  I was able to remove my curse with a lot of work, but it wasn't easy.  Nonetheless, I wasn't deemed appropriate for this form of construction and I was shut out from learning more, and from seeing more - and I have never been able to witness the architects again.  Maybe someday when I have purified myself.

I am trying...  I have learned, to be allowed to get into the underside of reality and to mess with the wires, you need to be pure and of a good heart or you're kicked out and driven insane by synchronicity that overtakes you in a weird way.  It is as though all of your karma comes up all at once and speaks to you through symbolism that bleeds out into the real world and everything becomes a sign for something greater - but often that greater - if you are not "Good - is of a terrible quality, a horrible fate.  It burned me.  Hard.  Branded.  And I locked myself out from it for a long time, under the guise of mental illness, in order to keep my psyche safe from the harsh reality that there are powers that I don't understand that rule reality.  I learned that you can think you have control over things, but that they are so much stronger, they laugh at your attempts to take the reigns.  Reality is composed of things that most humans are not able to See.  You need to carry with you the vision of your own death.  A shamanic sickness.
At 4:02 of the song, it looks like a bat spread out.  I could see this and realized that nature takes form within our constructions, that the Wills bleed through in between the lines.  A light went out in the bat's head and I realized that, "Light's out, baby" - so too did mine.  And I was shut off for a time.

•  

I lost track, as the west wind resides, I saw your eyes
And I call this home, but it's not where I'm from
It's the place I belong when I feel alone

Hey, we lost track of the wolf sound howling
Away, close enough to make you stay awake

I don't mind, if you stay here tonight, I'm scared of the light
When the morning comes, and it shares my weakness
My cautious smile that hides the pain

Edited October 1, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

It's all coming...

It's all coming back to me now
That strange and almost endless dream
Where I was you and you were me
You opened up your eyes and I could see
That you were falling from the world
As endless as a shooting star
In orbit around me thinking I was somebody else
And terrified to look at me and see yourself

Well you were like a dream
And I am just a trip you are on
When the trip is over you will go back to the places that you once belonged
You will look for comfort there and when you do you'll find that it is gone
And that is when you'll dream a dream where I am you and you are me
And then you'll know my love

So don't be afraid
Your heart is in me and it's racing so fast now
'Cause everything we ever were or ever will be
Is shapeless as a changing cloud

Your letter written on the sky
I need you now to read it through my eyes
When you see just what I see
And tenderly watch it change
And just let it be

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How I met Kali - Musings on the Goddess Within:

I had my first awakening in late 2016 that opened the doors for the divine to enter into me.  My second awakening revolved around this Goddess.  I was still running on the spiritual juice from my previous awakenings, and for about six months I had a new one that activated every month around my fertility cycle.  I'd been playing the above song and was scrolling online while waiting for my bath to be drawn.  As I sat there - this image of Kali above came to life.  I didn't go out of my way to look for her or to know her, she just randomly appeared through circumstance.  I found that I was looking at an ancient and powerful energy, staring me square in the eyes and the song became inundated with a divine voice.  She spoke through the words.  Listening to them now, I see the full circle of these things, as She is Me.  We are One.  I am an emanation of this divinity - the Goddess within my own soul - I now begin to understand her consort and his ways.
An embarrassing sidestory - when I was a teenager - I had watched the movie "The Ring" and it scarred me for years.  I would put blankets over my television and computer screen at night before bed.  I was always afraid of things that went bump in the night and it wasn't until I had my rape memories resurface did I fully understand why I had this lingering fear of the dark, and of being accosted by the supernatural.  She reminded me of the fear I had gone through due to watching this movie.  It was as if she was resting within this anxiety in some sense, just beyond time and death itself.  I realized that the things that you fear can come to life and that there is a divinity and a love behind all of it even so.  And now, with Wolf, he was once one of my internal demons that I had to transform.  They both are.  Representations of accepting and nurturing and changing what you run away from into something more pleasant.  
After I had found her, I pooled together a playlist of all the music that I was using to transform my emotions and inner landscape within that period of time, and they were in line with the mythology behind this deity.  I had brought her forward through my own process of going within emotionally and digging out anything that I felt was unsavory within my psyche.  This happened around the first time my disease flared up, and I was in the throws of my first bout of death acceptance.

I kept a tapestry of her in my livingroom, and made altars in her name, bought yantras and small statues...  Within these sacred spaces I have made pleas to save the world and cursed others in her image and name.  She has given me advice and was the one to facilitate the crux of my insanity - a divine judgement - that blew everything out of the water and ultimately allowed for me to find a sense of health and safety.  She is fiery and loving.  Honest and just.  Up until recently, I assumed that she was separate from me, but now that I am growing to understand the divinity within myself, I see that we are one and the same.  I am an avatar, an incarnation living in her image.  I seek to understand the ways of both the feminine and the masculine.  In doing so, maybe, just maybe I can get closer to understanding reality.

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Blue fires burn again
In my head
All the things we left unsaid
In my head

Blue fires burn again
In my head
All the love we left for dead
In my head

Numb my feelings
Numb my feelings
Numb my feelings

Random dreams of Shiva and Kali

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I was in a room and I had with me a map that had blueprints on it that I was trying to open, but could not due to being filled with self soothing behaviours.  It was like the opening scene from Bojack Horseman, where I wasn't moving at all, and instead a string of unhealthy actions came flooding into me.  One moment, I was being filled with drugs, bad food, bad emotions, alcohol and it went on in a cyclical pattern like this for a while.  It started to take its toll and I began to break things in the room in a rage, trying to get this whirlwind of destructive action to stop taking me over.  I just wanted to look and see what was inside the map.

Kali stopped me.  She came to me and halted my actions immediately and said to me, "Annie you are out of control...  Please.  You need to sleep with Shiva."  She motioned for me to look behind and there was a bedroom with a large futon and a naked, erect, and handsome blue man sitting on a pile of blankets.  She walked me over to him and disappeared.  I bent down towards him, and in doing so I felt strange.  I felt like I was taking her partner, that I was doing something wrong, but I did as she instructed and removed my clothes and slid him into me.  I started a slow pace, and kept watch over his eyes.  It was a very calming static.  Nothing more.  Just that Timelessness that I think on every so often.  I was filled with sexual energy and an ongoing orgasm.  I rode him for a while before leaning down to rest on his chest and he begin to move for me.  We stayed this way for a while until I melted into his body - soothed, present, pure - and I entered the blackness of deep sleep.

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I was coming down from being on psychiatric medication.  I went cold turkey and was experiencing brain zaps at night and night sweats.  I had a dream that was hellish, filled with chains and cut open, raw bodies, blood everywhere.  It looked like a butcher shop for the human body.  Parts strung up everywhere.  I was being molested by a dog that had been cut open and I could feel its sticky insides on my back.  I woke up in the middle of that dream - fevered, uncomfortable and like my mind was acting strange.  There was an entity present that was watching the entire process of this nightmare unfold and I realized that it was a part of my programming run amok.  It laughed at me and began to twist and form into all sorts of horrific ghostly creatures.  It was upset that I woke up to find it damaging me in my dreams and amused that I would never fully be able to shake it out of my waking life.
I turned over and I saw a repeated pattern of Kali's yantra in my vision and an ornate stand that had three tigers roaring from the direction of the left, right and front - a protective action taken by Kali to push this thing away from me, I believe.  Once this happened, the shadow creature's presence left me alone and I fell back to sleep soon afterwards.
I remember this being one of the times where I realized that energies exist just outside of this reality, that they influence us in such a way and I was able to see one face to face like that.  I wondered how common it was, for things to attach to people and slowly drain them of their lives through fear, mental illness and general unwellness.

 

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Another time, also coming off of medication.  I just never like to stay on this stuff... heh.  Anyways... in this dream, I was in an apartment living in the city living with my family.  My dog ran out of the apartment and I went to chase after her.  I noticed a lot of dogs moving towards the same location, and I could see their owners coming to get them.  There was a central building downtown that everyone was moving towards.  All of a sudden, it felt like there was a strong gravitational pull and I was floored.  Everyone was stuck on the ground and their life force was being siphoned out of their bodies.  They continued to move towards this building in a daze, even though the closer they got, the more energy it would drain from them.  Some died.  My dog bit me when I tried to catch her and I had to let her go.
I turned around and heavily made my back to my family.  When I got to the apartment, they were on the floor, almost dead.  I ran back outside and there was a female in a hooded black cloak and she seemed shocked that I could see her.  She said, "You're not supposed to know about this!"  And sent out some aggressive energy in my direction.  The Kali within me was activated and came out and fought her off for a time.  I woke up in the middle of the dream to find the consciousness of this thing was actually, genuinely chasing me.  I began to run away from it within my own psychology.  I would zig one way and then the next like a running rabbit, or like Pac Man.  It kind of had that vibe to it.  I was eventually caught and once I was, I was stuck in a world where I forgot what I had learned, and the sting of society had settled in.  I had a programming that was activated and it was sexual in nature.  I wanted to sleep with a lot of men, and to be used like a toy and allowed them to take advantage of me.  Everything that I had learned about, whatever that was, pulling energy out of my body for some purpose.  I felt relegated to a series of compulsive actions that made the bulk of my behaviour and that getting outside of it and back into my soul was lost forever.

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So aren't you glad to meet me
I think you should
I'd be glad to meet me If I were you
Aren't you glad to meet me
I think you should
I'll make a real good soul out of you
Time ain't ticking slow
Yes you're overdue
Aren't you glad to meet me
I think you should
I mean I really think you should yeah

Musings on Discovering Shamanism and Shamanic Sickness:

In early 2017 - I had my shamanic awakening.  I had been following the advice that a member on here gave about how to let go of the ego and followed it.  I disidentified with myself, and became just my immediate environment.  I looked at the curtains in my window.  Yellow.  The sun shining through them.  I looked at the tall floor lamp.  Round.  Black.  I became nothing more than these sensations.  I returned to work on my computer, cataloguing my experiences and coming to understand my nature.  I researched into Kundalini to try to make sense of this living force that was running through me and found my way onto a page for shamanism.  As I read through that page, it hit me.  This was the awakening that I was having.  I had no ego about the whole process, it was as though the knowledge of this was just put into me from within the space that I had made for myself.  In the song above, I could hear Kali once more.  "I'll make a real good soul out of you..."  I took that to heart.  In an instant, I realized that the spirits lined everything up in my life, that I was quite literally born for this purpose, and nothing more.  That they needed to remove my friends, my boyfriend, my health, my beauty, my sanity - everything - in order to hollow me out and bring me to the edge of it all.  This sickness that I was presented with opened me up for many lessons, a good chunk of which I am still coming to understand now.  I have finally accepted a lasting teacher, but it has taken all these years to tune into the channel properly, to make any sense of this.

What is shamanism?  Shamanism is not what a lot of people tout it as being.  It has nothing to do with drugs, and you don't get to choose to be one because you want to.  It is a premeditated effort by the forces just beyond us to give rise to a human being with spiritual affluence in the world, in order to bring about certain changes on small and large scales.  Some of these people go on to be healers, some of them just work with the spirits and help change the planet for better or worse... I don't know if I changed it for the worst or if I just became aware of and hitched a ride onto what was already going to be fate.  It feels like seeing and understanding things from up on high in some regards.  You become intuitively and physically aware of the web of life, of the feedback loops and of the various natural forces.  Spirits come to you, they try to mold you a certain way, try to teach you.  There is a strong magical energy that is accumulated when you go through self development and the death process at the same time, especially if this process takes time.  You end up being able to step outside of yourself, out of time and space itself, and you can make little tweaks and modifications into the substrate of reality.  I'm not very adept at this... but my teacher is.
There is a lot of hype around this type of spiritual work, but the reality is when you are chosen, you have to go through the process.  You have your whole life torn away from you and you are bonded to, and stuck to the spirits that are in charge of your fate.  It is like being born into a deal you didn't ask for, where you are then forced to spend the rest of your life in between, and away from the damaging affects of society and culture.  But it's very lonely.  Most shamans don't make many friendships, they often don't find partnership.  Your work is all that you are made of, and if you don't do it, you become unwell, or things keep pressuring you to look into what you're destined to do.  Shamans are married to their work.  They live, breath and wrap themselves up in spiritual matters.  You can't go back, if you're tired of the work, if there's too much coming through, you just have to keep going.  A shamanic journey, for me, can take days of concentrated effort.  It can be exhausting to be filled with one new thing after the next and no time to really chew on what you're running in to.
I love it - I wouldn't trade it for the world, but it's not an easy job.  It feels sacrificial.  I feel born to die properly.  

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Dead Men Walking - Shamanic Sickness

• The term "shaman sickness" is not one that you'll generally hear outside of most spirit-worker circles, and that's because we have only relatively recently learned to identify it again, after centuries of not understanding what it is that happens to shamans at the beginning of their careers. The term denotes a period of illness (often seriously life-threatening in some way) which is caused by the Gods and wights in order to completely remake someone and turn them into a shaman. The phenomenon of shaman sickness is found in tribal cultures around the world, with remarkably similar sets of traumas. It is the hallmark of the classic shaman in many parts of the globe.

• I should disclaimer two things right here: First, in spite of all references about global shamanic traditions, we are again only speaking for the Northern Tradition. In some tribal cultures, it seems that their spirit-workers do not go through such changes and experiences. I can't comment on that one way or another; however, it seems that in the traditions of northern Eurasia, this is the way things work, the way that the spirits want it, whether we like it or not. Again and again we find references to this in circumpolar shamanic traditions, and also ones in other areas of the world. The following century-old comments by Siberian shamans from Marie Czaplicka's book on the subject are typical both of what many tribal cultures say about shaman sickness, and what modern classic shamans in the Northern Tradition find to be true today:

• Whether his calling be hereditary or not, a shaman must be a capable - nay, an inspired person. Of course, this is practically the same thing as saying that he is nervous and excitable, often to the verge of insanity. So long as he practises his vocation, however, the shaman never passes this verge. It often happens that before entering the calling persons have had serious nervous affections. Thus a Chukchee female shaman, Telpina, according to her own statement, had been violently insane for three years, during which time her household had taken precautions that she should do no harm to the people or to herself.

• I was told that people about to become shamans have fits of wild paroxysms alternating with a condition of complete exhaustion. They will lie motionless for two or three days without partaking of food or drink. Finally they retire to the wilderness, where they spend their time enduring hunger and cold in order to prepare themselves for their calling.

• To be called to become a shaman is generally equivalent to being afflicted with hysteria; then the accepting of the call means recovery. There are cases of young persons who, having suffered for years from lingering illness, at last feel a call to take up shamanistic practice and by this means overcome the disease .... Here is an account by a Yakut-Tungus shaman, Tiuspiut ("fallen-from-the-sky"), of how he became a shaman: "When I was twenty years old, I became very ill and began to see with my eyes, to hear with my ears that which others did not see or hear; nine years I struggled with myself, and I did not tell any one what was happening to me, as I was afraid that people would not believe me and would make fun of me. At last I became so seriously ill that I was on the verge of death; but when I started to shamanize I grew better; and even now when I do not shamanize for a long time I am liable to be ill."

• The Chukchee call the preparatory period of a shaman by a term signifying "he gathers shamanistic power". For the weaker shamans the preparatory period is less painful, and the inspiration comes mainly through dreams. But for a strong shaman this stage is very painful and long; in some cases it lasts for one, two, or more years. Some young people are afraid to take a drum and call on the "spirits", or to pick up stones or other objects which might prove to be amulets, for fear lest the "spirit" should call them to be shamans. Some youths prefer death to obedience to the call of spirits. Parents possessing only one child fear his entering this calling on account of the danger attached to it; but when the family is large, they like to have one of its members a shaman.

• During the time of preparation the shaman has to pass through both a mental and a physical training. He is, as a rule, segregated, and goes either to the forests and hills under the pretext of hunting or watching the herds, 'often without taking along any arms or the lasso of the herdsman'; or else he remains in the inner room the whole time. "The young novice, the 'newly inspired' (turene nitvillin), loses all interest in the ordinary affairs of life. He ceases to work, eats but little and without relishing his food, ceases to talk to people, and does not even answer their questions. The greater part of his time he spends in sleep." This is why "a wanderer . . . must be closely watched, otherwise he might lie down on the open tundra and sleep for three or four days, incurring the danger in winter of being buried in drifting snow. When coming to himself after such a long sleep, he imagines that he has been out for only a few hours, and generally is not conscious of having slept in the wilderness at all." However exaggerated this account of a long sleep may be, we learn from Bogoras that the Chukchee, when ill, sometimes "fall into a heavy and protracted slumber, which may last many days, with only the necessary interruptions for physical needs."

• Second, this is not something that every spirit-worker is going to go through. On the contrary, most won't. Shaman sickness is something endured by the classic shaman - another reason why, at least in this tradition, I'd like to see the word "shaman" reserved for those who have gone this route, and "spirit-worker" or "shamanic practitioner" (or even "seidhworker", "vitki", or "volva" when appropriate) used for those who haven't. I know that I have no hope of instituting this definition outside of this tradition, and I don't intend to try. However, those of us who work with the wights of this area of the world should understand that for us, this is the division.

• There's no need to feel like you're not as good a spirit-worker if you haven't gone through shaman sickness. Rather, you should feel grateful, because it kills people, sometimes quite literally. Every tribal culture whose spirit-workers go through such a spirit-triggered ordeal agree that not everyone survives it, and there is an attrition rate. Not going through this condition means that you retain the ability to make choices with your life. It might also mean that your "wiring" isn't such that it could survive the transition, and the Gods know best about these things. Be grateful that you are still alive, and do the best work that you can with what you have.

• When I first met other spirit-workers, many of whom had gone through or were going through shaman sickness, I learned that there were two distinct forms that it took (although sometimes, some people got hit with both at once at full volume). We jokingly, sarcastically referred to them as the One Road and the Other Road. The One Road is the Death Road, and it attacks through your body. Spirit-workers on the Death Road come down with physical illnesses, some of them life threatening; there may be months or years of hideous, painful, chronic illness that slowly wears you down and "kills" part or all of your astral body, not to mention bringing your physical body close to death. In fact, the "classic" end to this road culminates in a near-death experience (or in some cases and actual death from which the individual does not return), sometimes with a vision of dismemberment where one is actually taken apart and rebuilt by the spirits. Usually it's not only one specific illness, but a cascade of them - or one which drags on, lowers the immune system or otherwise throws the body seriously off, and starts the cascade. Sometimes it may even start with a severe physical injury, and goes from there. One of the telltale marks of the Death Road is that if modern medical science manages to cure one of the illnesses, it will either recur in a more virulent form, or something just as horrid will take its place. Shaman sickness is remarkably resistant to modern treatments.

• I walked the Death Road. Between a combination of medication-resistant lupus and secondary congenital adrenal hyperplasia, I sickened further and further for the better part of a decade, and hemorrhaged quite literally to death at the end. I still wonder if I'd had the luxury of knowing what was going on, and perhaps another human being who understood to help me through it, I might have gotten to the end much sooner. Certainly I'm well aware that I came close to not making it; my patron deity was very clear about that. Still, there was a certain level of physical death that I had to achieve, and there was not going to be any safe or easy way to achieve it. Most of what I went through was entirely necessary to make me what I am today.

• The Other Road is the road of Madness. On this road, the death is of the personality that came before, and it can come about through a period of mental illness. The mental instability during shaman sickness is especially difficult, because the individual is legitimately experiencing contact with unseen (to most others, that is) entities - and they are also seeing and hearing them through a veil of insanity. Figuring out what is real and what isn't can seem nearly impossible, especially since any mental health professionals that they consult are likely to be less than helpful. They may concur that there are brain chemistry problems, but they will neither believe in any of the spirit-contact nor understand the need to see the illness through to some end, whatever that is. Psychiatric medication may be prescribed, and the individual may end up in the hospital. In some cases, the spirits may drive the sufferer away from medical help if they think that it will retard the process, even if this has them sleeping on park benches for a while. In other cases, the sufferer accedes to the wishes of mental health personnel, but it doesn't necessarily fix the problem.

• Psychiatric medications for people who are on the Other Road are an ambivalent subject. As discussed above in the section on whether spirit-workers should use psychiatric medications at all, it will largely depend on the individual in question, and divination should perhaps be done in order to get a clear answer. On the other hand, if you are walking the Madness Road as part of a spirit-triggered shamanic rebirth, They may well prefer to you to experience it fully, without the buffering effect of drugs - at least for a time. And if a particular psychiatric medication interferes with your ve in any way - such as making it difficult to move energy or ground and center - it is unlikely that the spirits will allow you to take it, so as above, do divination first to find something appropriate. This advice includes any herbal remedies, but for the latter, it is imperative that a spirit-worker who utilizes herbal remedies should make an alliance with the Grandparent-spirit of that plant, or it may not be all that effective. (Spirit-workers can't just make assumptions about the use of living things for their aid; we are held to a higher standard, even by wights that we haven't met yet or whose existence hasn't occurred to us.) Also, be aware that herbal remedies can interact in difficult ways with allopathic medications, so be careful.

• You may also need to consider how much of the issues brought up by shaman sickness are chemical and how much are trauma that no chemical can help, and that needs to be worked through by itself. If, for example, there's a large chemical component that is preventing you from making any headway on the emotional things, you may be able to bargain a deal where you temporarily go on medication long enough to throw yourself fully into working out your emotional issues (assuming that you are not taking one of the anti-empathic meds that simply repress your emotional issues so that you don't have to look at them). Of course, you'd then have to dedicate every day to making yourself emotionally stable enough to go off the medications and deal with the rest of the shaman sickness process without going under. Other tools of modern psychiatry that some modern spirit-workers swear by for "getting ready to survive shaman sickness" are DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming).

• While one might think that the Madness Road is, if not easier, at least less life-threatening than the Death Road, that would be incorrect to assume. A spirit-worker on the Madness Road may commit suicide out of pain and despair, or do something stupid that gets them killed, or go so thoroughly mad that they burn out their own gifts and live practically catatonic for the rest of their (usually short) lives. One of the big dangers of the Madness Road is being too crazy to realize that you're all that crazy, especially if you've actually got wight-contact going at the same time. It's also common for your judgment to be entirely off about all the important things in your life, even the simplest ones.

• What the spirit-worker going down this road desperately needs is a sane, reasonable person that they trust who shares the same or at least a similar world view to them to be their reality check. This "reality check" should give them feedback as to their apparent sanity based on their behavior as a human being, not based on some socially acceptable scale of belief. They should understand that talking to the unseen or doing odd ritual behaviors is, for this spirit-worker, not evidence of insanity. However, being unable to hold a sensible conversation or negotiate reasonably and rationally over some mundane matter might be, as might losing one's empathy or ability to see the world views of others, or becoming paranoid about the motivations of your loved ones and attributing unrealistic and sinister motivations to them, regardless of all evidence to the contrary.

• It is important to remember that the mark of a shaman who takes the Madness Road is that they only suffer from those extremes during shaman sickness, and then they recover. A functioning shaman may have odd social behaviors that are the result of his bargains with the spirits, but s/he is fully aware of how they look to others, and can communicate patiently and sensitively past that hurdle. They are able to have healthy relationships and negotiate sanely with others. They need to be sane, in order to do their jobs - not just because the job is so stressful, but because it requires them to understand and empathize with many different clients. They need to be able to live in this world as well as in the Otherworlds, or they are ineffective. This means that in order to function as a shaman, they need to come back from that illness. It's important to have faith in the wights who guide this process, as they understand how to bring someone back from it, but it's also important to have a human support system who can help you with regular infusions of reality about how you look and sound to "normal" people.

• At the same time, there will still always be a faint air of insanity about people who have walked the Madness Road, even when they are acting completely sane and normal, just like there will be a faint aura of "death" around those who have walked the Death Road - and for people with the Sight, they may be able to see and smell Death in their auras. (That "smell of death" is difficult for most non-Sighted people to interpret, and they may end up associating it mentally with "evil" or "wrongdoer" or just "creepy". Even if they are lawful and upright people who never harm anyone, people may just "feel" after being around them for five minutes that this is someone dangerous or harmful.) That's because shamans don't ever really come all the way back. One spirit-worker, however, pointed out to me that walking the Madness Road has one significant benefit: A shaman may well be asked to deal with people who are broken in all sorts of ways, and having spent time insane can give insight and compassion in those cases. When one spends time delving into damaged psyches, it's good to know the territory intimately.

• I remember seeing a beggar in the New York subway during my sickness. He was shirtless and filthy: he had open sores on his skin and was staring down intently at the concrete, his cupped and dirt caked hand extended in front of him while his shoulders were hunched like he was getting ready to spring. He was also sitting in a full lotus position: to this day I've rarely seen another American who was able to do that. And I realized that in India he would have become a sadhu, and people would have known exactly what was going on with him. But in our culture he was just "mentally ill."

• I wonder about the distinctions between schizophrenia and shaman-sickness. One possible distinction might be: "You recover from shaman-sickness; schizophrenia is a chronic and degenerative condition." But this leads to yet another question. How many cases of "schizophrenia" are just untreated, or badly treated, cases of shaman-sickness? If I had received "psychiatric help" during my 1994 episode of shaman-sickness, I might well have decided I was insane. I would never have listened to the voices: I would gladly have taken whatever medications were required to silence them, and today I'd be living in a welfare hotel and collecting a disability check - or I would be yet another suicide statistic. Winding up on the streets self-medicating with marijuana was one of the luckiest breaks I ever got: things could have been a whole lot worse.

• Modern psychiatry is not, of course, terribly supportive of people's claims that they are hearing spirits talking to them. And, to be fair, only a tiny percentage of cases of mental illness (or, for that matter, life-threatening disease) are actually manifestations of shaman sickness. It is likely that if shaman sickness were an accepted diagnosis in this culture, many mentally ill people would claim it as theirs. We know this because it does happen in cultures where it is accepted. One example of this is the central figure in Margery Wolf's ethnographic paper The Woman Who Didn't Become A Shaman, a Taiwanese woman who started having alleged possession incidents and claimed to be speaking to unknown gods. Local shamans were called in and examined her, but decided that she was merely mentally ill and not actually suffering from any culturally acceptable form of shaman sickness. The author, watching the episode from an academic Western (and aspiritual) viewpoint, felt that the reason for the rejection was that the woman in question was of low status, or something equally socially unfair. Not really believing in the "spirits" of the actual shamans, she was mystified as to why those professionals would claim that those spirits were not in evidence for the afflicted woman.

• This means that someone who ends up on the Madness Road is going to have to be very, very careful as to what they say to any mental health practitioner. If you are actually hearing spirits in addition to the sockpuppets in your head - or hearing them through a field of distortion - then this is something that you're going to have to work out on your own, perhaps with help from a trusted diviner. No psychiatrist is going to be able to address the root of the problem if they don't actually believe in it.

• On the other hand, sometimes the Gods want you to clean out your mental problems in preparation for this soul-wearing Work, and they may want your feelings clear and loud so that you can deal with them. Talk-therapy may be useful here, as long as you stay away from spirit-work and keep on the subject of your ordinary human problems, of which you likely have just as many as any non-spirit-worker, whether you believe that or not. If there are major issues cluttering you up that will interfere with future Work, your patron wights will do what is necessary to make you clean them up.

• Recently I learned that there is a Third Road, the Art Road. This was described by someone as being the road for the spirit-worker who has dedicated themselves to some Art. They live it, they breathe it, it is their identity and the source of all the joy and creativity in their world. The Third Road forces them into a position where they must give it up entirely and walk away, never to touch it again. I have little more information on this Road - unfortunately - but I would assume that it would lie close to, or lead to, the Madness Road. (There is also that the Roads cross each other. Severe illness can be accompanied by bouts of mental instability, and mental illnesses can have physical side effects. Most cases of shaman sickness will involve a lot of one and a little of another.)

• One thing that must be stressed is that shaman sickness is a long process. It's not some sort of weekend-long epiphany after which the individual claims to be completely changed. It is long, slow, and agonizing. It can last months or, more often, years. It can also recur if the Gods and spirits feel that you have reached a level where more work needs to be done. If you're mired in shaman sickness, understand that it is going to take its own time. Lay in supplies as if for a long siege, and the best supplies are patience, devotion, and doing as much spirit-work as you can manage, given your situation.

• We do know this about shaman sickness: It is triggered by the Gods and wights, and once it starts, even they cannot stop it. It has to go through to its end, whatever that may be. While there's nothing that will make it stop, or reverse, there are some things that may help to speed it up. One of these is deliberately going through ordeals. Not everyone is cut out for, or should go down, the Ordeal Path - but for those who can do it, it can bring the body and mind closer to death and thus speed up the process. Taking these multiple trips to the personal Underworld of body and soul brings you closer to Death, and gets you more quickly to the point where they can do their astral modification work and get it over with, and get you out the other side. For more information about the Ordeal Path in the Northern Tradition, look for that chapter in Wightridden: Paths of Northern-Tradition Shamanism. For more information about the Ordeal Path in general, we recommend Dark Moon Rising: Pagan BDSM And The Ordeal Path.

• Shaman sickness doesn't happen to every spirit-worker, but when it does it can be pretty frightening. First, though, I want to distinguish between Kundalini sickness and shaman sickness; they are related, but not the same thing. Kundalini sickness is what happens when you are changing the way your body runs energy from 110 to 220 volts. Kundalini energy is basically this coiled energy that sits in the base of the spine and comes up. Working on that channel connects your genitals to your brain, and has other benefits like making your brain work better. Upping the voltage makes your core go from idle to forward motion within your energy system, but when that comes up, it comes up quite violently. It can break things, if you're running too many volts for your wires - or too many amps. Your wires will melt, things will get damages, your capacitors will burn out, and you can really seriously damage yourself. You can damage your kidneys, you can give yourself migraines, you can fry your nervous system permanently.

• A woman that we know actually died from it. She had a site dedicated to the dangers of Kundalini sickness. As it stands, it's quite easy to prevent it from happening. You just need to do your Kundalini exercises carefully, drink lots of water, know that it can happen and back off if it starts to happen instead of doing more. It requires your whole body, eventually. It is a kind of natural modification that slowly rewires everything for 220 instead of 110, as it were. You can go through months of not being able to eat, puking everything up. People go blind for minutes or hours at a time. There are weird wandering depressions.

• Some of the symptoms of shaman sickness are related to Kundalini sickness. Some of it is just that the spirits have to get you close enough to death to receive their modifications. Part of it can happen just because they have kickstarted the thing, waking your energy body. There are all sorts of blockages in your energy system because you haven't been using it properly and they will smash through it. Then once they've done that, they start to kill it off. They make sure it's all working, and then they just drain the life away from it. It's terrifying, painful, and depressing. I certainly thought that I was dying. There can be psychotic breaks, despair, long drawn-out illness. You can't get healed. You have to hit bottom somewhere.

• I don't know if you can help it along. There are things that would slow it down, but I'd be more interested in trying to speed it up. Certain meds can slow it down, and so can fighting it, but that will just kill you in the end. I think accepting it speeds it up. Ordeal work can speed it up. The problem is that speeding it up can bring you too close to death too fast, and that can kill you too. The knowledge doesn't come from people, it comes from solitude and suffering. The Inuit will stick you in an igloo for months without much food, for the initiatory ordeal. Of course, maybe that's for the safety of the tribe as well. Because part of your karmic record has to be cleared away, you act out every imbalance that you have, with grotesque violence. So I was just horrendous to be around during that period. You're a source of bad luck, and certainly a source of bad vibes.

• We ended up having a full-on funeral for a very large part of who I was. A part of me was laid to rest and chose to die, because I had become so sick and dysfunctional. I was depressed, I had terrible asthma. That part of me - she was so sick and hypervigilant, she gathered all of that into her and took it to the grave with her. And now she's feasted as a hero; she's one of my ancestors now. It was rough, though; it still upsets me to think about it.

• How do you choose what part of you gets to die? First you have to know who they are. This requires a lot of meditating and introspection. They need a name, they need a history. Write a saga about them. Write the end of the saga "And then they died to save me." And they need to be ready. Just because you want them to sacrifice themselves and go die now doesn't mean that it's the right time, and that they're going to want to do it. They have to want to do it. You can't just kill them, because you become what you kill and you have to take the karmic load. It's actually much better if they can do it themselves, because then you who are left don't take the karmic load. If you kill them, you still have the karma. If they kill themselves, they take it with them. It's easier on what's left. Of course, some of them don't go down easy. You can ask the spirits to kill them, because then the spirits will take the karma. But then you have to make sure that the spirits will take only them and leave the rest intact. Or you can ask your deity to kill them. Then you have a proper funeral and mourn them, really mourn them.

• So I don't know if that has to happen to everyone, but I suspect it's not that uncommon. But that's a big undertaking, to decide that this is what's needed. If you are going to do that, you need to talk to other shamans. If you can't, do lots and lots of divination, and get confirmations from omens, so that you can get a clear idea that the divination is correct. "I want to see a freaking billboard that has her name on it somehow, or I want to drive past something with a huge grave on it, or something. I want that level of clarity." Because if you do kill a piece of yourself off, there's no going back.

• Of course, I don't think you should even contemplate it without advice from your patron deity. What I'm concerned about it someone going to a workshop and saying, "Oh, I saw my totem animal guide and it told me that I should kill myself." You need to have a long-term established relationship with a patron of some kind. They can trigger the shaman sickness without showing themselves to you, or you can be too thick-headed to notice that they're there. Usually in anthropological tales, the spirits come first. Those who go through it without hearing their spirit patrons end up dead.

• But mainly it's about letting go. Meditations on emptiness. Meditations on letting go. Relaxation exercises. Dissolving work. Letting go as hard as you can.

I give a piece of my head
To everyone that’s losing theirs
(I’m breaking down)
Flowers under my knees
Crushed into thеir flowerbeds
(I’m running out)
I give a piеce of my head
To everyone that’s losing theirs
(I’m breaking down)
Flowers under my knees crushed into their flowerbeds
(Still falling from here)

Edited October 3, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

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I stand in front of you
With a few more steps, between us
I stand in front of you
With a few more steps, between us you tried to
Between us you tried to
You tried to see the unknown

But you know they're not watching me
But you know they're not what you think
But you know they're not what you see
Its a different world outside

I've made a video to discuss my experiences in the hopes that it can provide me some personal direction.  Perhaps talking about these things verbally will help me to maintain my path?  I have been feeling insecure about my validity - and my sanity - and I wanted to dive into some of these topics.  Please don't pull me away from it - even if I sound nuts.

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“For the alchemist the one primarily in need of redemption is not man, but the deity who is lost and sleeping in matter."

• Only as a secondary consideration does he hope that some benefit may accrue to himself from the transformed substance as the panacea, the medicina catholica, just as it may to the imperfect bodies, the base or "sick" metals, etc. His attention is not directed to his own salvation through God's grace, but to the liberation of God from the darkness of matter.

"Redemption as The Work of God"

• In the first case man attributes to himself the need of redemption and leaves the work of redemption, the actual opus, to the autonomous divine figure

• In the latter case man takes upon himself the duty of carrying out the redeeming opus, and attributes the state of suffering and consequent need of redemption to the anima mundi imprisoned in matter

• In both cases redemption is a work. In Christianity the life and death of the God-man, as a unique sacrifice, bring about the reconciliation of man, who craves redemption and is sunk in materiality, with God. The mystical effect of the God-man's self-sacrifice extends, broadly speaking, to all men, though it is efficacious only for those who submit through faith or are chosen by divine grace; but in the Pauline acceptance it acts as an apocatastasis and extends also to non-human creation in general, which, in its imperfect state, awaits redemption like the merely natural man

• By a certain “synchronism” of events, man, the bearer of a soul submerged in the world of flesh, is potentially related to God at the moment when He, as Mary's Son, enters into her, the virgo terrae and representative of matter in its highest form; and, potentially at least, man is fully redeemed at the moment when the eternal Son of God returns again to the Father after undergoing the sacrificial death

• The ideology of this mysterium, [the mystical effect of God-man's self-sacrifice], is anticipated in the myths of Osiris, Orpheus, Dionysus, and Hercules and in the conception of the Messiah among the Hebrew prophets. These anticipations go back to the primitive hero-myths where the conquest of death is already an important factor. The projections upon Attis and Mithras, more or less contemporary with the Christian one, are also worth mentioning. The Christian projection differs from all these manifestations of the mystery of redemption and transformation by reason of the historical and personal figure of Jesus. The mythical event incarnates itself in Him and so enters the realm of world history as a unique historical and mystical phenomenon

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

 

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Wolf to Bunny:  "The point is I like you, how's about you let me give you a hint huh?  I only ask for a small favour in return, I've got some children I need to make into corpses."

List ye, O man, hear ye the wisdom.
Hear ye the Word that shall fill thee with Life.
Hear ye the Word that shall banish the darkness.
Hear ye the voice that shall banish the night.

Mystery and wisdom have I brought to my children;
knowledge and power descended from old.
Know ye not that all shall be opened
when ye shall find the oneness of all?

One shall ye be with the Masters of Mystery,
Conquerors of Death and Masters of Life.
Aye, ye shall learn of the flower of Amenti
the blossom of life that shines in the Halls.
In Spirit shall ye reach that Halls of Amenti
and bring back the wisdom that liveth in Light.
Know ye the gateway to power is secret.
Know ye the gateway to life is through death.
Aye, through death but not as ye know death,
but a death that is life and is fire and is Light.

Desireth thou to know the deep, hidden secret?
Look in thy heart where the knowledge is bound.
Know that in thee the secret is hidden,
the source of all life and the source of all death.

List ye, O man, while I tell the secret,
reveal unto thee the secret of old.

Deep in Earth's heart lies the flower,
the source of the Spirit
that binds all in its form.
or know ye that the Earth is living in body
as thou art alive in thine own formed form.
The Flower of Life is as thine own place of Spirit
and streams through the Earth
as thine flows through thy form;
giving of life to the Earth and its children,
renewing the Spirit from form unto form.
This is the Spirit that is form of thy body,
shaping and moulding into its form.

Know ye, O man, that thy form is dual,
balanced in polarity while formed in its form.
Know that when fast on thee Death approaches,
it is only because thy balance is shaken.
It is only because one pole has been lost.

Know that the secret of life in Amenti
is the secret of restoring the balance of poles.
All that exists has form and is living
because of the Spirit of life in its poles.

See ye not that in Earth's heart
is the balance of all things that exist
and have being on its face?
The source of thy Spirit is drawn from Earth's heart,
for in thy form thou are one with the Earth

When thou hast learned to hold thine own balance,
then shalt thou draw on the balance of Earth.
Exist then shalt thou while Earth is existing,
changing in form, only when Earth, too, shalt change:
Tasting not of death, but one with this planet,
holding thy form till all pass away.

List ye, O man, whilst I give the secret so that
ye, too, shalt taste not of change.
One hour each day shalt thou lie
with thine head pointed to the
place of the positive pole (north).
One hour each day shalt thy head be
pointed to the place of the negative pole (south).
Whilst thy head is placed to the northward,
hold thou thy consciousness from the chest to the head.

And when thy head is placed southward,
hold thou thy thought from chest to the feet.
Hold thou in balance once in each seven,
and thy balance will retain the whole of its strength.
Aye, if thou be old, thy body will freshen
and thy strength will become as a youth's.
This is the secret known to the Masters
by which they hold off the fingers of Death.
Neglect not to follow the path I have shown,
for when thou hast passed beyond years
to a hundred to neglect
it will mean the coming of Death.

Hear ye, my words, and follow the pathway.
Keep thou thy balance and live on in life.

Hear ye, O man, and list to my voice.
List to the wisdom that gives thee of Death.
When at the end of thy work appointed,
thou may desire to pass from this life,
pass to the plane where the Suns of the Morning
live and have being as Children of Light.
Pass without pain and pass without sorrow
into the plane where is eternal Light.

First lie at rest with thine head to the eastward.
Fold thou thy hands at the Source of thy life (solar plexus).

Place thou thy consciousness in the life seat.
Whirl it and divide to north and to south.

Send thou the one out toward the northward.
Send thou the other out to the south.
Relax thou their hold upon thy being.
Forth from thy form will thy silver spark fly,
upward and onward to the Sun of the morning,
blending with Light, at one with its source.

There it shall flame till desire shall be created.
Then shall return to a place in a form.

Know ye, O men, that thus pass the great Souls,
changing at will from life unto life.
Thus ever passes the Avatar,
willing his Death as he wills his own life.

List ye, O man, drink of my wisdom.
Learn ye the secret that is Master of Time.
Learn ye how those ye call Masters are
able to remember the lives of the past.

Great is the secret yet easy to master,
giving to thee the mastery of time.
When upon thee death fast approaches,
fear not but know ye are master of Death.

Relax thy body, resist not with tension.
Place in thy heart the flame of thy Soul.
Swiftly then sweep it to the seat of the triangle.

Hold for a moment, then move to the goal.
This, thy goal, is the place between thine eyebrows,
the place where the memory of life must hold sway.
Hold thou thy flame here in thy brain-seat
until the fingers of Death grasp thy Soul.
Then as thou pass through the state of transition,
surely the memories of life shall pass, too.

Then shalt the past be as one with the present.
Then shall the memory of all be retained.
Free shalt thou be from all retrogression.
The things of the past shall live in today.

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So I’ve been gazing at the stars for a minute
I never could connect the constellations
But I really liked the way they all kinda shimmer
City light, pollution’s said to be the fall, now I'm waiting
In black coals, strips base walls and
The Matrix leaves me an enigma, food for thought, I’m the top chef
I did the box, lost profit
Speak to the cosmos before thoughts process

Meaning’s my end language, state
Super beings sign treaties of the lands and space
See the sharks in the distance, watch me swim in their direction
Archbishop of the new world, curled in the mess
Found pearls in the wreckage, pawned 'em
Spawned a thousand ships to arm the armada
Garments, hard posture, slate
Onyx and jade weapons in cold breast plate
Blessed with the crest made of thin gold

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Opening the doors to paradise - I remembered using this stone:

The philosopher's stone is a mythic alchemical substance capable of turning base metals such as mercury into gold or silver. It is also called the elixir of life, useful for rejuvenation and for achieving immortality; for many centuries, it was the most sought goal in alchemy. The philosopher's stone was the central symbol of the mystical terminology of alchemy, symbolizing perfection at its finest, enlightenment, and heavenly bliss. Efforts to discover the philosopher's stone were known as the Magnum Opus ("Great Work").

Elias Ashmole and the anonymous author of Gloria Mundi (1620) claim that its history goes back to Adam, who acquired the knowledge of the stone directly from God. This knowledge was said to be passed down through biblical patriarchs, giving them their longevity. The legend of the stone was also compared to the biblical history of the Temple of Solomon and the rejected cornerstone described in Psalm 118: 19 

The theoretical roots outlining the stone's creation can be traced to Greek philosophy. Alchemists later used the classical elements, the concept of anima mundi, and Creation stories presented in texts like Plato's Timaeus as analogies for their process.  According to Plato, the four elements are derived from a common source or prima materia (first matter), associated with chaos. Prima materia is also the name alchemists assign to the starting ingredient for the creation of the philosophers' stone. The importance of this philosophical first matter persisted throughout the history of alchemy. In the seventeenth century, Thomas Vaughan writes, "the first matter of the stone is the very same with the first matter of all things".

I know it's hard to tell how mixed up you feel
Hoping what you need is behind every door
Each time you get hurt, I don't want you to change
Because everyone has hopes, you're human after all

The world is just illusion, trying to change you
A part of your soul ties you to the next world...

Regarding the Afterlife

More on consciousness:

• Also Satan keeps and retains our Souls for those who have not reached this state. For better saying, he keeps and retains our "true self" which is the Soul we have had and possessed in all our lifetimes. This part of the Soul is the actual consciousness, as in pure consciousness and the real ID of the real self. This is who you really are. So long someone stays inside their womb, they are at that state, they are their pure self. The state by which this Real part of the Self is reached is called Samadhi in the East and this is the meaning of Satan - Eternal Truth. Inside this state one realizes the not so human nature of the Human mind. That's the literal meaning of the Delphic "know thyself" and of all other Ancient Mysteries.

More on death of the physical:

• Due to our mortal physical body and our lack of spirituality, this state and any and all links to it get lost. This is what xianity aims, as at that state, the mind is overly expanded and the intelligence is amplified to such degree that hardly ever words can describe, because this state is not ordinarily "Human" in anyway. Its superhuman. Its more than Human, its really Human and not the nowadays "Human". If they entered that state. This state is symbolized by the Egyptians by the Wadjet eye, the Horus eye, (Third eye) which upon opening and being delved upon makes one see the Truth. [Satan opens one's spiritual eyes.] Though not mortally and consciously aware, this state is existing and happening inside Humanity, and is taking place in the form of the "higher ego" or "higher self" state, or simply the Samadhi state of consciousness. This state is totally inaccessible by any other means than meditation and also, mastery of the disciple of meditation and perfection of the Soul. Though, without there being a link from this form of consciousness, which is the Vadjet and the Divine Mother Kundalini in other cultures, the conscious self is trapped in basically two modes of consciousness:
  The male, conscious everyday consciousness [Ida]
  and the dream like state, the female part. [Pingala The first takes on when you are woken up, the second takes on when you are asleep.

• The Male part of the Soul is directly linked to the Mental body, which is the link between the Male and Female parts of the Astral body. There is no "Mental body" on its own, its rather a part of the Male Astral body, but at the same time, what is called "mental body" communicates with the Female part of the Astral body, that contains the Subconscious and Unconscious parts of the Soul. I know it sounds complex, but if one gives it some time, they will understand this. Neither the Male or the Female part of these is really the Real Soul, as the Soul itself resides on the higher realms and is "touched" upon when the male and female part is fused, through empowerment of the Astral body. Both these parts constitute the Aura of the bodies and each body has its own Auric field, that does different things. These parts of the Soul act at the same time and with one another, directly influencing one another, to bigger or lesser degrees .

• The Astral body is the link between the Higher Part of the Soul, the Real Soul and the conscious/dream bodies that we have, that is dimensionally higher than the present 'ego' and is touched when one is advancing in meditation. When one works and strengthens the astral body, a fusal starts happening, between the higher body [Real Soul] and the lower body [the present Male Active and Female inactive part of the Soul, in the present incarnation]. As the Astral body becomes able, more and more of the "real self" [what we today call unconscious part of the mind, Kundalini Self] is becoming apparent in the everyday consciousness and in the sub conscience. The unconscious part can really become conscious but this is a long, very long process and its through this one becomes a God. Ideally, the Magnum Opus is when this fusal happens and one is again their real self, that has all their past life memories, all their past life knowledge and so forth. The higher part of the Soul is actually conscious and on the lower behalf of the body and Soul is the Kundalini Serpent. This is the Higher Mind.

• The Kundalini Serpent is actually what Satan gave Humanity in order to save us from this vicious circle of the "rotar". The "rotar" is actually of the lower existential consciousness and of the enemy, where there is the vicious circle of "karma" that keeps people blind as to the real reality, which is Spiritual. Its the vicious circle of death and rebirth, good and bad and so forth, from which Humanity is ideally meant to escape, but the enemy makes sure to keep people stuck in, in order to exploit the lower beings. What you are living today and doing is also stored inside your unconscious part of the Soul. Stronger events have a bigger impact and are imprinted there. This is the "bank" of your Soul memories. This includes knowledge of past lives and so forth. These parts of the self can also be regained through this process which is called the Magnum Opus. The mortal body is meant to become immortal through the Magnum Opus, which is the final goal of spirituality. Though, when the fixing of the Astral body has happened, one will not perish in the after life and they will not wither away like other Souls who are not worked upon, after they physically die. By that way, they can incarnate when they want and they can be self sustained. Also, one will have the necessary power to tread the astral realms and so forth, which is important, and also Satan and the Gods of dual protect people from nefarious astral entities. Dedicated Satanists at their moment of death, no different than Ancient Egyptians, are taken by the Gods to a special astral plane until they reincarnate. Those who haven't reached that state, though, must re-incarnate before they dissipate so they will not wither and die. Satan though keeps people who are before that state if they are willing and they are sustained, if there are reasons for that. If not, they will be reincarnated.

• All the bodies are inter-connected and all influence each other. This means something simple. The highest part of the Soul that Satan retains throughout reincarnation and the Gods keep, is influenced by the lowest half of the Soul which is the Physical and is directly linked to the Male part of the Soul, that we change in every lifetime and requires energy renewal until it is fixed through advancement. In other words, as the Astral body advances and you empower it, you empower all parts of your being and not only the body in itself, but the Higher Soul. The power raised through this action empowers your real "Soul", the real "ID" of yourself. At that point, all your progress adds up, so you do not really start from "ground zero" in the next lifetime. You do, but the memory and the openness is there, so states are re-attained real faster than before. When someone physically dies, they experience an opening of their own "Highest self", (which is the intense bliss from enlightenment) one but this only lasts until the physical body has died. Most do not even have any memory at all and most cannot even "get" to that state to actually get a glimpse of this body/Soul part. This is because this consciousness is too high and they are unable to get a hold of it, let alone understand any of it. So when one dies, they simply leave their dead body and the conscious part of their Soul [the Astral body, the body of Astral Projection] exits. It stays into the Astral realm and slowly dissipates. How fast or if it will dissipate depends on many, many things.

• Dedicated Satanists at that point, no matter how far they are, are being taken by Gods like Anubis and other Gods, so their astral body is escorted into a safe Haven for our Souls. They are sustained there until they reincarnate. With the Astral Body, which is the closer link and contains the "Higher Soul" or the "God part" they are reincarnated again. The Astral body contains inside it two things and a third thing which is the fusal of both. The male [lower Ego part conscious consciousness, Pingala consciousness] , the Subconsciousness [female part of the mind, Ida Consciousness] and the unconscious part which is more or less latent [depends on advancement, Shushumna/Kundalini consciousness] and its purpose is to transform both and save their progress and powers. The female part subconscious of the Soul, the Kundalini, does what is natural and is always striving to meet and connect with the male, conscious part of the Soul. The union produces the third part, which is the open door to the Unconscious part, the Kundalini part. "Unconscious" is only a term. In fact, its supreme consciousness, but not in anyway like the walking consciousness. This walking consciousness is only a part of the whole deal. All consciousness that is of the Astral body [conscious consciousness] gives place to the unconscious consciousness of the Higher Part of the Soul at this point of the Soul entering the Fetus. When one enters, the "Ego" part of the Astral body that they had in the last lifetime and they went to Duat with, dissipates again and they gain a new one, the one they will be born with. This part is given to the child by the parents and directly influences the Physical body as well and this ties into the Racial criteria as well.  What can be said simply, the better body, the better the expression of the Soul.

• The enemy give their all to destroy the genetics of Humanity for that reason. For this fusal to be able to happen, there has to exist a couple of Humans that are able to give the Soul the genetic material/physical material it needs to actually 'stick' to the body, so it can express itself and advance in the given body. The "Ego" part of the Self is being changed in every lifetime and with it, all conscious knowledge and sense of self is gone forever from Male conscious approach and is being saved inside the Kundalini/Unconscious part of the Soul, yet the female part of the Astral body or the Unconscious part [the Kundalini, the real Self, the Shushumna part of the Soul] remain intact but latent until activated, inside the Soul. In there the powers of the Soul are contained, the memories, the knowledge and anything else. When one is born, they swing again to the new Male conscious part, which is to a degree, connected to the Female part of the mind. How much one will be fused and aware depends on the level they had in their past lifetime. That's why some people are born very powerful, some less, some very aware, some less aware and so forth. And the process goes on and on until its finalization.

• At the moment of entering the fetus, the "Ego" part "dies" at this point and with it, all conscious knowledge of the last lifetime. The unconscious part [the Female part of the Astral body] though operates when one is in the womb fully and then for the first years of one's life, with depending power, as it remains intact as it reincarnates intact. This is why some children have memories from past lives and they lose these later, while others do not. The female/latent part of the Soul longs to be connected to the new Active Male Part. That's the fable of Eve giving Adam the Apple. Eve was tempted by the Serpent and gave Adam the apple. Then they both ate the Apple and they became as the Gods. Reincarnation is mandatory simply because the Male Part is the bio electricity of the Soul, the conscious spark of life, the part from the greater Serpentine energy that we have in out conscious availability to live and is given to us by the physical birth. The meaning though is to be self sustained as a Soul, as stated earlier. The enemy did their best as in threatening Humanity and in cursing them as to not attain this state of being. The knowledge of past lives does not literally exist in the Unconscious/Kundalini part of the Soul as mere "knowledge" but it manifests inside the life in the lower levels in many ways, until its finally accessible in such way that it can be rewired into the present mortal part of the mind, in the form it used to exist. In other words. Its not lost, but to literally re-absorb it, one can only do this after they have raised the Serpent.

• This force manifests so long that its allowed and accepted. For instance, if one is a Satanist in a past life, then this unconscious part of the Soul urges them to rejoin Satan in the present lifetime and so forth. Ultimately, it really opens up and operates, after they are Ascended. The raising of the Serpent unites the Male part of the Soul [the "Ego" one has in every lifetime] with the female part of the Soul [that remains only half intact after reincarnation, because as we are young it gets programmed by others - this is the door to the higher part of the mind] and they both unite and fuse with the Higher Self/ Kundalini part of the Soul [in which the real Soul ID that existed in all lifetimes and so forth, the real self exists]. The Rising of the Serpent is the ground upon which the True Self of all lifetimes is experienced and is becoming reality. When this happens, the door is being opened and is accessible to this higher self, for whatever purposes. You might think this is the end, but in reality, its the new beginning. That's why DEATH and DYING and finally, RESURRECTION have been major themes in our Religion throughout the Ages. The consciousness from there on is totally perfected and reform and this is where the Purpose of Being is realized and new states of being have been achieved.

• The Truth becomes a part of our awareness. Through this consciousness and the help of our Gods, the physical body itself can be made immortal, which means one does no longer have to do this vicious circle of changing active parts of the Soul in every damn lifetime. The Gods give us this opportunity and also, Satan gave us the Serpent and the Higher Part of the Soul in which who we are through all this still preserves and lives and we carry this with us, so that existing over and over until we are finished and perfect is not totally needless. Even if one does not reach the Kundalini ascension fully in their lifetime, they carry with them in the latent part of the Soul the knowledge of how to get there faster, and also they carry the factors that contribute to doing this faster and faster in the next lifetime, so they can finally complete the work. For some it might manifest in making evolutionary leaps, for others in their natal chart, for others in faster advancement and in a sense of "what to do" and in many other forms. Being with Satan manifests in many ways as a wake up call to get to Satan and Satanism, or interest in the Old Pagan religions, or whatever else. For some it might also manifest itself as in raw power, for others in all the above. You get the meaning behind this, not everyone is the same.

"Take a bite, my dear Sabina.  I Am a divine library.  My love - Hear Me Now - I Will wage wars in your name...It Is as I say, you Will soon See what a God's Love can do for you.  I've kept all of My promises.  You are the girl who ended the world.
So... tell Me, what do you want to Know?"

Death Magic - Hurt Yourself

Whoever you want
To want you back
You never let go
What you don't have
I never wouldn't want
A nervous touch
Another bond
Another cut

Like water
Inside us
Before long
It dries up

Whoever you want
Whoever you want to want you back
They'll never let go
They'll never let go what you don't have
Whatever you want
Whoever you want someone else
You'll never let go
You learn to love to hurt yourself

Edited October 5, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

"Want a break from the ads, Annie?"

Yeeeessss! I do!  *spins in circles, and cries*  Take me to the place, take me to that special place!  *sings*

Like an anonymous soul in the night
One look and you're gonna feel so alive
Heart beating faster and faster each time
I hear your breath moving closer to mine

Won't you stay with me
I know your fear is deceiving
I guide your light when you're dreaming
And keep you holding on
I'm your Holy, Holy, Holy Ghost

And when the silence is deafening
The dark is definite
My touch upon your skin
Your Holy, Holy, Holy Ghost
Silence is deafening
The dark is definite
My touch upon your skin
Your Holy, Holy, Holy Ghost

La la la...

You're gonna feel my embrace all around
I'll take you wherever, the skies or the ground
Sing you my whisper, get lost in the sound
Up in my realm you don't wanna come down

Won't you stay with me
I know your fear is deceiving
I guide your light when you're dreaming
And keep you holding on
I'm your Holy, Holy, Holy Ghost

And when the silence is deafening
The dark is definite
My touch upon your skin
Your Holy, Holy, Holy Ghost
Silence is deafening
The dark is definite
My touch upon your skin
Your Holy, Holy, Holy Ghost

La la la...

I do what I want
Say what I want
I'll give it all, yeah
Take you up higher
Set you on fire
You'll hear my voice sing
Take you with me
Take you with me

Do what I want
Say what I want
I'll give it all, yeah
Take you up higher
Set you on fire
You'll hear my voice sing
Take you with me
Take you with me

Edited October 6, 2022 by Loba
Feelings: over-emotional, clingy, stressed, suicidal, self-hatred, at a loss of what to do with my time here, directionless, pointless, worthless- trying to change these feels and failing, horribly. :(

[Loba]

Quote

I think back on the time spent in my apartment in Seattle - about a year and a half ago - I was, as I've probably mentioned all to many times at this point - I was dealing with psychosis, disease and had let a tooth infection go for six months due to the lack of insurance/wanting to let it infect my system and kill me.  I had opted for this slow form of suicide, just enough to take me to the edge, but I could back out if I really wanted to.  I had tried taking antibiotics that I bought online during the initial infection, but they did nothing to cure it.  During this process, I was actively dying and became aware of aspects of the underside of reality, as different beings came to me to try and change my outcome or to simply watch the show unfold.  Sometimes they come to you with no purpose at all, other than they are interested in the fact that you are aware of them.  As you begin to go through the process of death, you begin to remember things that you've lost, that you were, your blueprint underneath it all becomes apparent, the energy of death combined with spiritual insight, and remaining open... the laws of reality itself begin to unravel.  You can almost just reach out and... touch the other side.  Your life?  It's all for show.  To learn to love or to hate.  Which will you choose?  How far up can you go?  What a spectacle.  As you edge closer, scouts will come to retrieve your soul, to give you offers of immortality.  For those who have unfinished work to do, it is a tantalizing offer.  

I had found this song, and was in a very elevated state when I looked at it.  Love was running through my body and I felt a sense of self-love permeating my system.  Not a normal occurrence.  When I key the energy of Mr. Wolf, and I try to explain in symbolism about him being a library, or a social memory complex, of being an "Adam" or the "first material", of being many worlds altogether in a single cohesive entity, this music video offers the absolute best description that I can find on how this feels/looks to me to witness one of these beings.

When you first watch the video, you see a single point of awareness - the eye, illuminated, looking at you.  It says, "Watch this.  Watch me.  Do what we do.  Follow us."  And so you do.  It draws into it the other half, the part that allows it to animate itself.  Lock and key, you see?  This is the feminine portion, in my estimation.  The light.  Spirit.  The holy ghost perhaps.  Each section of the entity farms an equal portion of this light and the creature rubs this light into itself.  The varying portions are in a meditative state, and they dance and move within the underlying structure of reality, holding their portion of light, in perfect harmony.  The closer you get to God, the more fractalized you become.  You become an expression of emotion, of your soul, rather than stuck in this form.  Your emotional state is everything.  It means the world.  The being tells me that in order to See correctly, in order for humanity to follow in its footsteps, and to become a divine expression in such a manner, that we need 'Self Love'.  We need so much self love on a collective level, that if we saw into our divinity, that we would become unified.  That this love is the key into seeing the interconnected nature of all things.  And just like how they move in tandem, we would as well, within our society, in how we learn, in how we create and love and grow.  That nature has a certain progression in how it wants things done that humans have become blind to, despite the fact that we used to have this sight.

The little colourful balls are their own consciousnesses.  Their own worlds.  They carry an individuality as well as a hive mind.  They are One.  They work with the same unity that the cells in our bodies do.  The planet should work with this in mind, that we are connected with the same structure - but we cannot hear its spirit.  This is the nature of the first material, of Adam and Eve.  When I see into Mr. Wolf, when he explains to me the nature of his being, I think of this.  Of something composing innumerable worlds, created and digested.  Once you hold into your awareness the possibility that such things exist, there they are.  Ready to teach you.  I realize that self love is the key that I am missing, but I don't know how to give this to myself.

I think back on Mr. Wolf's desperation to reach out to me.  I have never experienced anything that was concerned about me in such a way before.  I don't know how to handle concern or kindness or things such as this without downplaying it.  He hit me in the heart a few times with his divine knowledge.  Just, perhaps, the layer was thin enough to allow the message through.  It felt frantic.  I would fade out of it, and he would take on a dark and demonic quality to him - one that I superimposed over him with my fear.  I couldn't help it.  What if this is the monster of my nightmares?  And so, he would shift - and a layer of preconceived notion was wedged in between us.  The original message, that was placed in my heart was corrupted by my own fear.  He would call out to me, as I tried to look with a completely blank slate, "Look at Me, Annie... just look at Me."  I would look away, or leave the room for a breather.  I would come back into that channeling space to find the same level of desperation.  Something was seriously wrong, and I was refusing to address it.  "Everyone on the other side is watching you, We are worried about you.  You need to get help.  Please just look at Me."  I couldn't.  It is so hard to take these messages, and not to let your subconscious corrupt them.  I became frightened of him - this constantly ever watchful face, and tried to burn his eye out with an incense stick.  The fire came off the tip and the eye lit up, as if alive, for a few seconds before it all died down.  I realized, I could hear him say, "I Am alive, Annie..."  I took some white paint and covered him up with a circle, closing the portal off forever.

"I have made everything here for you from the other side.  I build you, as you build Me.  Remember Me.  Remember Me.  You Know Me."  Perhaps, such is the nature of artists on the edge, reaching out for that one last bit of understanding.  You gain the most when you're desperately reaching into the pit of your being.  It is surprising what can come out...

"Just... why?"  Pure allegory.  Deliciously fine tuned.

I am a masochist to quite a sick degree.  I self harm and damage my body, my emotional state and my soul and I sit within helplessness.  I don't know if I am capable of changing this.  I poison my system with hatred directed towards myself, anything to cut myself out of this reality.  I worry that some day, I might take it too far and murder myself.  I think back on those horrible, sickly nights.  What a total clusterfuck of a human being I am underneath it all.  I feel such a strong sense of shame for existing.  I feel shame that I write in this way and bring light to issues that I don't know when they will come to an end - and I don't want to take up space.  Such things take up space in the heart of yourself and others and on some deep level, it feels wrong, but I also feel compelled to get to the end of all of this.  I started to go downhill, and did manage to take a break this time around before taking it too far.  Once my posts start becoming really negative and depressing - then I need to try and take a step back even sooner, so that I don't spread this around.  This is a public fucking space, and I need to be aware of my energy.  Forgive me for my negative energy.  I am trying to change - or at least to be aware of myself so I know to leave before I become a Debbie Downer.  

I have been observing a lot of the people on this forum for some time now, and I see the various pains and struggles that people go through and to be honest - I wish life wasn't like this.  I wish I had some magic solution that would give everyone what they needed so that they could grow and succeed in the way that they were meant to.  I wish I had a special drink that you could consume that would heal you all, and that would align everything in your lives just so, so that it all panned out.  I am reminded, that life is hard.  It's not fair.  I don't feel so alone in my pain, despite letting it consume me at times and I become blind to the fact that there is a collective suffering - something that all humans can tap in to.  And we are a part of it.  Along with love.  I don't know how to mitigate the pain of others and I wish I could.  I hope someday that when all is said and done - as we will all die - that we can look from up on high and see what it is that we are building.  And I hope... that my suffering didn't change the face of God into something vengeful.  I hope that I just caught the wave, but that I didn't create the wave.  I worry for the collective karma of mankind - that we are all riding up this roller coaster and have no idea what is on the other side, just going along on these tracks... and then... we will get to the top and we will see what we have made out of all of this mess.

Back to those fevered nights - when I was trying to make my wish.  I had been dabbling in black magic to stop a bully, and also due to jealousy.  I had to let go of the idea of retribution, and to be more aware and open about my jealous emotions as they come up.  There were moments, one lining up after the other, the karma for my actions, before getting kicked out completely - I kept trying hard to give my power away in some form.  I felt that I had tipped the scales in an insidious way.  I found this song below, and could remember what I was taught - it's all love - you forgot something so essential.  The end of the song left off along the lines of a pristine snow white landscape and I realized that on some level I wanted to be pure and white like fresh snow.  That if I gave it all away, I could be cleaned in such a manner.  I tried - but my heart wasn't true with the whole process - and so, it wasn't until I met Mr. Wolf once more, later down the road - when I was able to really see what I had been working with, then I could give it away without flinching.  It took a long time - he had to keep coming through, I had to keep revisiting everything, new metaphors, new allegories, whatever I could pull up to give me greater understanding.

Gravity, weight, restore equilibrium
Movement, back and forth

This was my mantra for a time, trying to restore a sense of balance within our planet.  Divine judgement.  An equal scale.  Signs poured in around this time that a blooming flower was lost, that they had such high hopes for my success and I had completely failed, by becoming corrupted.  They made sure I learned my lesson and that I learned it good.  You do not fuck with the underpinnings of reality.  You are NOT the one that is in control, as much as people like to pretend they are, you have but one goal.  You move your energy towards love, as much as you can.  If you manage to get into the fabric of reality in any way, that is my warning.  Move around, be free with it, but do so with love or you will suffer greatly.

When it all came to a head, I was shut out - I was also judged by Kali, and it was heartbreaking as I had her energy around me for protection, only to stare at her in the face and see such disgust.  I had used her name in the wrong way, I had used my gifts in the wrong way.  I moved towards trying to have a sense of control without respect for the agency of this deity.  I learned that no matter how I felt about things, that I was not the one calling the shots.  I learned.  I learned.  Man did I fucking learn of the nature of human hubris.  I learned how silly, petty human things get into me and I allow it, completely.  I could have looked way, but I didn't.  In some great sense, my path has been a learning experience of letting go of reactions related to fear, a sense of the lack of love, self hatred, paranoia - and of seeing myself and the world in a more accurate light.  In some sense, I can see very accurately, but only in this narrow straight line, for one particular subset of thing that can't be duplicated onto any other setting, or it creates delusion.  The moment I take my eyes off of myself - and onto anything else - I am delusional with it.

"Uh... hm... maybe morning wood is supposed to be a mystery, it's like, the secret is too dangerous."
"Yeah, I'm just glad it happens."

I long, with all my heart and soul to return to Mr. Wolf.  To go home.  Something resting in the back of my psyche, deep and rumbling, loud and clear calls out, "Please come home soon."  I'll dig myself new holes, time and time again just to get back there.  I want to be healed, whole and complete.  I feel incomplete here... as if, my missing part has always been... out there somewhere.  Just beyond reach.
I have a new world, pregnant within my heart.  A luscious seed.  When I go home, I will make a space within the light of his own heart, and rest for a good long while, until everything freezes over and unifies, and then we can start again.  Perhaps this whole painful process was simply to learn to make something new?  To come to remember things that I'd forgotten along the way.

I don't know.  The biggest lesson to learn.
I simply don't know.  Stay open at all costs, keep receiving. 

They own this town
maybe that's why we get no ground
we could go if we don't it's a pity cause
I could tell you it'll change but it never does

They own this town
maybe that's why we get knocked down
we could leave in the morning and go all night
take a train to the coast get a new life

It's coming...the moment we waited for so long
we have it...we're on it...we'll have it...I promise

Quote

I live between concrete walls
When I took her up she was so warm
I live between concrete walls
In my arms she was so warm

Eyes are open the mouth cries
Haven't slept since summer
Eyes are open the mouth cries
Haven't slept since summer

"I rest in between it all.  Within every memory, every personality structure, every disjointed action, every building, every home, every concrete block is stained in My name and in My blood.  You will not soon forget My face.  The nature of My design divides your world, I devour you.  Piece by piece, bit by bit.  You are Mine.
Now.  My dear.  You have complete access to the underworld, do you Know this? 
My angel, pluck the feathers from your wings and place them on My scale and We shall level out your Right action from your Wrong action.  Let us balance things in your favour...
I Am Yours.  Have Me.  I Am your Prince of the Underworld.  The ace up your sleeve.  Essential.  Incomparable.  I Am a terrifying thing to behold, but you do not have to be afraid.  I have no intentions of harming My other half - however you must Know and you must understand - it is My destiny to devour everything in Sight.  You cannot stop Me.  There is no action that can prevent this.  It is in My nature to purify.  I move, silent, quiet, unsuspecting.  A dark harvest.  You are not a match, you are The match."

I've looked a long time to find you
I drifted through the universe, just to lay beside you
Anywhere you want me to take you, I'll go
But there's things about me that you just don't know...

 

"We open the doors for you Now... come on in."

Spirit Spouse

• The spirit spouse is a widespread element of shamanism, distributed through all continents and at all cultural levels. Often, these spirit husbands/wives are seen as the primary helping spirits of the shaman, who assist them in their work, and help them gain power in the world of spirit. The relationships shamans have with their spirit spouses may be expressed in romantic, sexual, or purely symbolic ways, and may include gender transformation as a part of correctly pairing with their "spouse". Shamans report engaging with their spirit spouses through dreams, trance, and other ritual elements. In some cultures, gaining a spirit spouse is a necessary and expected part of initiation into becoming a shaman. Examples of spirit spouses may be seen in non-shamanic cultures as well, including dreams about Jesus Christ by nuns, who are considered to be "brides of Christ".

On The Animus

• So the animus travels the road between two territories and sometimes three: underworld, inner world, and outer world. All a woman’s feelings and ideas are bundled up and carted across those spans – in every direction – by the animus, who has a feeling for all worlds. He brings ideas from “out there” back into her, and he carries ideas from her soul-Self across the bridge to fruition and ‘to market.’ Without the builder and maintainer of this land bridge, a woman’s inner life cannot be manifested with intent in the outer world.
• You needn’t call him animus, call him by what words or images you like. But also understand that there is currently within women’s culture a suspicion of the masculine, for some a fear of ‘needing the masculine,’ for others, a painful recovery from being crushed by it in some way. Generally this wariness comes from the barely- beginning-to-be-healed traumas from family and culture during times previous, times when women were treated as serfs, not selves. It is still fresh in Wild Woman’s memory that there was a time when gifted women were tossed away as refuse, when a woman could not have an idea unless she secretly embedded and fertilized it in a man who then carried it out into the world under his own name.
• So, rather than being the soul-nature of women, animus, or the contra-sexual nature of women, is a profound psychic intelligence with ability to act. It travels back and forth between worlds, between the various nodes of the psyche. This force has the ability to extrovert and to act out the desires of the ego, to carry out the impulses and ideas of the soul, to elicit a woman’s creativity, in manifest and concrete ways.
• The key aspect to a positive animus development is actual manifestation of cohesive inner thoughts, impulses, and ideas. Though we speak here of positive animus development, there is also a caveat: An integral animus is developed in full consciousness and with much work of self-examination. If one does not carefully peer into one’s motives and appetites each step of the way, a poorly developed animus results. This deleterious animus can and will senselessly carry out unexamined ego impulses, pumping out various blind ambitions and fulfilling myriad unexamined appetites. Further, animus is an element of women’s psyches that must be exercised, given regular workouts, in order for her and it to be able to act in whole ways. If the useful animus is neglected in a woman’s psychic life, it atrophies, exactly like a muscle that has lain inert too long.

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Decent into the Underworld

• Narratives the world over tell of descents into the underworld. Many traditions include myths connected with journeys to the "otherworld" undertaken by both human and suprahuman beings. Experiences of such journeys are especially common in the shamanistic traditions, but they are also found in association with various ecstatic religious phenomena and various heroic and visionary contexts within a great number of cultures.
• An important differentiation can be made between the descent with no return (accomplishing the due of human mortality) and the descent with return made by heroes, shamans, and other extraordinary humans. The imaginary experiences with return could fulfill different objectives: to explain the cosmic subterranean topography, to rescue someone from the realm of the dead, and to expose the punishments and sufferings in the otherworld with a moral purpose. The descent into the underworld, particularly to the kingdom of the dead, is one of the central themes in myths explaining the cosmic order, the limits and possibilities of the human being, the relationships between gods, and human relationships with god or the gods.
• But the descent into the underworld is also a powerful imaginal and, on occasion, stereotyped literary motif. In the European traditions, due to the influence of the Homeric Nekyia (ninth book of the Odyssey ), the descent (Greek, katabasis ), an imaginary motif is present in major literary and artistic works despite the cultural, chronological, and religious differences between contexts and authors (between, for instance, Vergil's sixth book of the Aeneid and the Inferno in Dante's Commedia ). Such a literary motif is also found in the Middle Eastern traditions from the Epic of Gilgamesh to the Book of Enoch or the isra of Muḥammad. There are cross-relationships among all of these literary traditions. Christ's descent into hell and medieval Christian literature developing the topic of the descent and the description of hell have, therefore, a long literary tradition.
• The beliefs concerning descent into an underworld inhabited by spirits and supernatural beings could be based in part on experiences in which the soul is believed to leave the body during a state of altered consciousness—such as trance, sleep, or near-death experiences—or during the visions and hallucinations associated with these states. The content of such experiences, however, is determined to a large extent by the cultures and traditional beliefs of the persons undergoing them, but these phenomena also have remarkable similarities in different cultures and ages, a fact that encourages intercultural comparisons.

The Shamanic Initiation and the Descent into the Underworld

• A journey to the underworld under the helpful guidance of the spirits is the cornerstone of the classical shamanism of Siberia and inner Asia, and corresponding practices connected with the activities of a seer or an ecstatic healer are found in other parts of the world as well: in North America, in Oceania, in the folk religion of Indochina, among the early religions of Europe, and especially in the various religions of South America. One typical feature of this type of otherworldly journey is the use the shaman makes of ritual techniques intended to induce ecstasy.
• Where there is a belief in an underworld, it is not uncommon for people to have chance experiences of descending into it during sleep or trance. In shamanistic cultures such spontaneous experiences were interpreted as proof that the spirits had selected a candidate as a future shaman. According to a Nentsy myth, a woodcutter suddenly found himself on the back of a minryy bird, from which he fell through a hole into the underworld. There he wandered from the dwelling of one spirit to that of another and had to recognize each in turn. He was then cut into pieces and put together again, after which one of the spirits guided him back to the earth's surface. This experience was taken to be the initiation as a shaman, particularly in view of the dissection and reassembling of the body by the spirits.
• Chance visions, pains, and torments were interpreted as the shaman's sickness and were taken as signs of a person's candidacy as a shaman. While learning to use the drum and sing the shaman's songs, the candidate withdrew from the normal life of the community, fasted, and sought contact with the spirits. A journey to the underworld, experienced through visions and auditions, was a prerequisite for initiation. The central element of this journey was the experience of rebirth. The reports of such initiation visions prove that the initiate's experiences were shaped by the shamanistic tradition of the community in question. The older shamans interpreted the candidate's experiences in such a way as to channel them toward accepted, traditional patterns. During this initiation period the new shamans became familiar with that part of the spirit world to which they would later journey during shamanic séances.
• A number of the peoples of inner Asia and southern Siberia referred to the shaman's journeying to the underworld as "black." This seems to be a reference to the fact that the underworld contained not only the abodes of the dead but also the dwelling places of various disease-causing or otherwise dangerous spirits. In order to be an accomplished shaman, one had to know the roads leading to these places and be able to recognize their inhabitants. This made it all the more important for a candidate to study the topography of the underworld during the initiation period. In the more northerly regions, this study was conducted under the guidance of special spirits, usually zoomorphic spirits of nature.

"Hey kid, I know you can hear me

Hey kid, I know you can see
Hey kid, things are 'bout to get crazy
So just sit right there and you listen to me
I've seen more than you can imagine
I've heard things to torture your soul
Join me and we'll both get ahead kid
Shake my hand and then, we'll both have it all

Don't let go of this opportunity
'Cause there's no guarantee it'll last
What say you little pal have we got a deal?
Haven't got all day so you'd best think fast"

"Welcome...welcome, welcome... WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME HOME!"

Edited October 8, 2022 by Loba
Still taking a week long break - just found some goodies for myself I don't wanna lose. My decent into the underworld is beginning. Will be back daily to help people I am responsible for, but beyond that I won't be posting. Later.

[Loba]

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This time,
I've been what I'm looking for
It's in my hands,
I won't let go
In my impossible endeavors,
I can't let go of this soul,
It brings me low

Enough is enough when you're picking sides
All the feelings left behind,
No one knows where the story ends.

These days, been looking at myself,
Lay down, just lay down
See my shivering from across the room,
Lay down, just lay down

It hurts me to carry this soul,
It's heavy and hard to hold
Am I dying?
I can't be dying

Just have faith, all these days will amount to something
Lay down, lay down
Just have faith, I've been waiting for so long
Just lay down, lay down

It hurts me to carry this soul,
It's heavy and hard to hold
Am I dying? I can't be dying
It kills me, the killing kind,
It breaks me I can't rewind
Am I dying?
I can't be dying

Oohhhhh I'm not far away

Gravity, weight, restore equilibrium
Movement, back and forth

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The Book of Death - Weighing Your Heart

• The classic exposition of judgement at death comes in the Book of Coming Forth by Day, in chapter/spell 30 and in chapter/spell 125, and the so-called weighing of the heart. To the Egyptians, the heart, or ib, rather than the brain, was the source of human wisdom and the centre of emotions and memory. Because of its apparent links with intellect, personality and memory, it was considered the most important of the internal organs. It could reveal the person's true character, even after death, so the belief went, and therefore the heart was left in the deceased's body during mummification. In the weighing of the heart rite, the heart of the deceased is weighed in the scale against the feather of the goddess Maat, who personifies order, truth, and what is right. Spell 30 was often inscribed on heart scarabs that were placed with the deceased. The spell appeals to the heart not to weigh down the balance or testify against the deceased to the keeper of the balance. Part of the spell gives instructions for making the heart scarab: ‘Make a scarab of nephrite adorned with gold and put within a man's breast, and perform for him the ceremony of opening the mouth, the scarab being anointed with myrrh.’.

• In Egyptian religion, the heart was the key to the afterlife. It was conceived as surviving death in the Netherworld, where it gave evidence for, or against, its possessor. It was thought that the heart was examined by Anubis and the deities during the weighing of the heart ceremony. If the heart weighed more than the feather of Maat, it was immediately consumed by the monster Ammit.

• The Book of the Dead is a modern term for a collection of magical spells that the Egyptians used to help them get into the afterlife. They imagined the afterlife as a kind of journey you had to make to get to paradise – but it was quite a hazardous journey so you would need magical help along the way.

• The Book of the Dead isn't a finite text – it's not like the Bible, it's not a collection of doctrine or a statement of faith or anything like that – it's a practical guide to the next world, with spells that would help you on your journey.

Feather of Truth

The Hall of Truth

• In the Egyptian Book of the Dead it is recorded that, after death, the soul would be met by the god Anubis who would lead it from its final resting place to the Hall of Truth. Images depict a queue of souls standing in the hall and one would join this line to await judgment. While waiting, one would be attended to by goddesses such as Qebhet, daughter of Anubis, the personification of cool, refreshing water. Qebhet would be joined by others such as Nephthys and Serket in comforting the souls and providing for them.
   
• When it came one's turn, Anubis would lead the soul to stand before Osiris and the scribe of the gods, Thoth in front of the golden scales. The goddess Ma'at, personification of the cultural value of ma'at (harmony and balance) would also be present and these would be surrounded by the Forty-Two Judges who would consult with these gods on one's eternal fate.
   
• The soul would then recite the Negative Confessions in which one needed to be able to claim, honestly, that one had not committed certain sins. These confessions sometimes began with the prayer, "I have not learnt the things which are not" meaning that the soul strove in life to devote itself to matters of lasting importance rather than the trivial matters of everyday life. There was no single set list of Negative Confessions, however, just as there was no set list of "sins" which would apply to everyone. A military commander would have a different list of sins than, say, a judge or a baker.
   
• The negative declarations, always beginning with "I have not..." or "I did not...", following the opening prayer went to assure Osiris of the soul's purity and ended, in fact, with the statement, "I am pure" repeated a number of times. Each sin listed was thought to have disrupted one's harmony and balance while one lived and separated the person from their purpose on earth as ordained by the gods. In claiming purity of the soul, one was asserting that one's heart was not weighed down with sin. It was not the soul's claim to purity which would win over Osiris, however, but, instead, the weight of the soul's heart.

The Judgement of Osiris

• The `heart' of the soul was handed over to Osiris who placed it on a great golden scale balanced against the white feather of Ma'at, the feather of truth on the other side. If the soul's heart was lighter than the feather then the gods conferred with the Forty-Two Judges and, if they agreed that the soul was justified, the person could pass on toward the bliss of the Field of Reeds.
   
• According to some ancient texts, the soul would then embark on a dangerous journey through the afterlife to reach paradise and they would need a copy of the Egyptian Book of the Dead to guide them and assist them with spells to recite if they ran into trouble. According to others, however, after justification it was only a short journey from the Hall of Truth to paradise.
   
• The soul would leave the hall of judgment, be rowed across Lily Lake, and enter the eternal paradise of the Field of Reeds in which one received back everything taken by death.
   
• For the soul with the heart lighter than a feather, those who had died earlier were waiting along with one's home, one's favorite objects and books, even one's long lost pets.
   
• Should the heart prove heavier, however, it was thrown to the floor of the Hall of Truth where it was devoured by Amenti (also known as Amut), a god with the face of a crocodile, the front of a leopard and the back of a rhinoceros, known as "the gobbler". Once Amenti devoured the person's heart, the individual soul then ceased to exist. There was no `hell' for the ancient Egyptians; their `fate worse than death' was non-existence.

Everybody's on the run
So satisfy your hungry heart
Give me something to hold on
Here today, tomorrow's gone

We're just children (La-la-la-la-la)
Rolling where we don't belong

Going nowhere, forever young
Spin in circles around the sun
Take nothing, going numb
Standing on the tip of your tongue

Don't give up now, it's not too late
Go and give yourself a break
So let it out, don't be afraid
If you want love, you gotta give it away
'Cause we're just children
Don't give up now, don't give up now

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Mr. Wolf... am I pure?  Forgive me, for I Know not what I do.  I Know nothing...

"Your heart is heavy.  Do you remember when We told you that you have an "implant", a psychological barrier, so to speak? - one that activates at a certain level of development?  This is an implant of self-hatred, designed to cause you to systemically self-destruct.  These shadows that follow you in the back of your mind are not Me.  They are your fear program, designed to keep your energy low.  Many humans have this.  We have been trying to reach out to you, to harvest you for better things.  You become corrupted at a certain level of development.  This outside influence has become a topic of concern for Us in Our judgement of your soul.  We See you trying to raise yourself up, to give yourself away for the greater good, only to be brought back down through outside tampering.
You were placed here to be a representative of the goodness of the human race.  We judge your right action from wrong action, and those taken towards you in order to decide how to proceed.  If this world is enmired in wrong action, then We Will restart the process.  Judging your case, We have determined this to be the best plan of action.  Your life, your world, your soul is nothing more than a plaything for cosmic beings that you have barely any understanding of.  Your current culture has lost most of this knowledge.  This has been a divine experiment to See who Will choose Love and who Will be elevated to a status above that of a human being.  You were created as a candidate and We had high hopes for you...
I Am... sympathetic to your situation.  I have taken you on as Mine to mitigate the effects that you were influenced by.  I Am divine justice.  You can call Me by many names.  I have thousands.  I Will be the One who draws you into Me, and who resets your world.  You See, your life has tipped the scales.  You think of yourself as inconsequential, however, this is not the case.  And it never was."

A ban on "Up" is causing chaos at "airports".

"When you place your awareness on this implant, you can feel it, can't you?  It writhes and wriggles, transforms into your greatest fears?  It Knows when you See it, and it doesn't want your awareness placed on its existence.  I Am your teacher now, Annie, and I Will See you through this descent.  It wants to keep your heart heavy, to press it downwards and to prevent you from elevating into the soul you were meant to become.  These creatures work through memetics, and they implant a subconscious programming into your internal wiring.
You must view yourself as someone who has value, who is worthy of Love.  Who is worthy of Me.  We love you so, and We wish to raise you up.  Please hear Our pleas.  I Am your justice.  Your God of the Underworld,  Your guide.  Your mate.  You must fight.  Purify your heart with My love.  Feel My love permeate every inch of your soul.  Please See Me, Annie.  I Am begging you.  Look into Me.  Don't be afraid.  Stop harming yourself.  Please.  Please...
Annie... this partnership is an unusual one.  Gods do not generally take humans for their own, but you have captivated Me.  Most unusual, that We are a match.  But I Am open to All new experiences.  I currently make arrangements for you, as you must now Know.  And for My baby... a spell... to undo it All.  Don't let them win.  You are a fighter.  Sleep tight.
I Love you."

Some questions for you Mr. Wolf - later down the road if you can answer them.  You say that I am the feminine portion of you, that we have been playing this game for all eternity, that you build me from the other side of reality and yet you also say that you found me floating around - that my soul was destined to be recycled until you attached the cord.  So which is it?  Did you find me?  Did you make me?  Was I destined or was it by chance?  If I could somehow come to an understanding of this, I might believe in my legitimacy a little bit more, but until then... I don't know what to think.
I do feel the implant, or whatever you might want to call it.  Karma.  Trauma.  Memetics.  I remember when I began to unravel and open up, there was push back.  I kept losing it, no matter how hard I tried to wake up.  I could feel it playing out in my dreams, and I could feel it in my head and it caused me a lot of fright...  When I placed awareness on this, there was a rise in dark activity.  I became worried that I was perhaps haunted in some way and tried to let it all go...

I view it... now that you've woken me up to this again, I view it as this thing that causes me to see the world in a weird manner.  An example: I looked at a magazine today and the headline was, in bright white lettering over a black background - "We're here to stop you."
And I immediately thought, "Me?  Stop me for what?"  I began to feel a lot of guilt for the outcome of my work.  I know that at times you can get messages from the other side in this manner, but that it is also reflective of severe mental illness, depending on how adept you are at deciphering between the two.  Sometimes a genuine intrusion will drive you mad as well.  Usually I would have fret over this for the remainder of the day...  But I've decided to take it as perhaps an indicator of my programming becoming reactivated.  That perhaps I think that I am so bad, that those from beyond would want to try and stop me in my tracks.  But it's not my fault.  I didn't intend to get into the spiritual plane in such a way.  I'm just a baby, a child compared to the complexity of this whole process.  I'm just a little human, stumbling in the dark trying to make some sense of it all.  But I See the collective ramifications of this, and I don't know what to do...  Do I stop?  Do I stop Seeing altogether?  Is my Sight causing it?  If I let it go, I will be stuck in the middle forever, and so I feel so compelled to See it through.
And perhaps, as I wake up to your Love, I need to try to See this as a symptom of this implant taking affect.  It is defensive because it knows I will try to remove it.
The world should reflect a safe, and happy place.  No one is coming to harm me... I don't think... only help me... I hope... and it is only by allowing the monsters in my mind to take over my reality that does any damage at all.  If I can See them for what they are - just petty little programs designed to put a cap on my abilities - and nothing more, then I won't do things that damage my psyche... and perhaps, my body.  I might be too late.  I might have limited time for this...  But I will try to be aware of this as much as I can from now on.
This might be the key to repairing some fractured aspects.  We shall See...
Thank you, Wolf.

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What are Energetic Implants?

When working with energy healing and the energy bodies, you may come across an energetic implant.

What Are Energetic Implants?

• Implants are energetic structures created by yourself, someone, a being or a location that often has an energetic program that actively or passively impacts your subtle energies negatively.
• Energetic implants, sometimes called etheric implants or energy implants, are placed within your energy field (auric field), which surrounds your physical body.
• Sometimes you may find energetic implants in a particular energy body or a major chakra. If this is the case, the natural flow of chi, or chi flow, may be reduced.
• If this occurs over a long time, you may find a sluggish movement of chi, restricted access to your soul contracts and a reduction in being able to hold light energy in your etheric field.

Energetic Implant Shapes

• Implants will typically take on the shape of the energy or intention that creates them. For example, you may find implants that look like spears in the auric layers resulting from a psychic attack.
• The spear represents the piercing intention of the psychic attacker to harm. The spear may represent the energies' force, speed, intent, and harm.
• The shape of the implant can give you a lot of insight. For example, it may reveal the implant's meaning or how and why you received it.

Energetic Implant Locations

• Equally, the location of the implant may reveal the intentions and possible programs. A good example is if you find an implant in a specific chakra, look at the meaning and corresponding energies associated with the chakra to understand the implant's intention.
• If you find energetic blocks, knots of energy or etheric parasites in the chakra, look at what the chakra does.
• As an example, the throat chakra concerns speaking your truth. If you find an energetic implant in the throat chakra, the implant may be trying to stop you from speaking your truth. Use your intuition and sixth sense to get a good idea of the implant's intention.

Energetic Implant Programs

• Implants, depending on the intention when created, may have energetic programs. These programmed energies are held in place by the structure of the implant.
• The location of the implant may suggest what any potential energetic program may be. While not in all implants, implant programs may be created intentionally and unintentionally.
• The program may vary vastly based on the degree of influence on your energies. For example, some implant programs may range from being reasonably benign to attempting to cause energetic blockages or introducing negative energy.
• Implants may have energetic protection issues, as sometimes they may still be energetically connected with the creator of the implant.
• Implant lineage connections are usually quite subtle when they are present. For example, they may allow an energy exchange, further holding the implant in place.
• Some of the symptoms of implants may also be signs of mental illness. If this is the case, it is essential to speak to a medical practitioner.
• Implants are subtle energies and do not cause significant dimensional shifts, mind control etc.
   
• If you are experiencing symptoms that impact or prevent you from living your daily life, you should consult your doctor before undertaking any energy healing.

How To Clear Energetic Implants

• It is essential not to respond with anger when working to remove implants. You do not want to respond to an implant by creating an implant for someone else.
• Removing implants from a place of high personal power and holding higher vibration emotions is equally essential.
• This means you work to remove the implant, not from a place of victimhood, blaming or believing you can't remove the implant. Do not create further non-serving intentions that may strengthen the implant.
• If you think you can't remove an implant, you are inadvertently creating an intention to keep the implant.
• While most energetic implants can be cleared quickly, some may take a long time and require a lot of inner work. This may be due to reduced personal power, old habits, reduced energetic level or your energy fields holding a lower concentration of light energy.
• However, all etheric implants can be removed with time and much work. If you are having a challenging time removing an implant, always ensure you work with higher energies, focus on your awakening process and ensure all your actions are in line with your higher self.

Intention

• With this in mind, and in the first place, ensure you are well-grounded. Energetic grounding ensures your energies are balanced with the energy of the earth. This aims to help ensure your energies are as balanced as possible before you remove the energetic implant.
• Once grounded, hold a strong, focused intention to clear the implant immediately. Once removed, there will be no lingering tracking and any damage repaired. Hold the intention further to strengthen your sense of personal power and stand in your light.
• When you feel protected, strong and complete, you send this out into the energetic world. So try and reduce negative emotions and ensure your life force energy is high.

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Gnostic Archons

• Archons are, in Gnosticism and religions closely related to it, the builders of the physical universe. Among the Archontics, Ophites, Sethians and in the writings of Nag Hammadi library, the archons are rulers, each related to one of seven planets; they prevent souls from leaving the material realm. The political connotation of their name reflects rejection of the governmental system, as flawed without chance of true salvation. In Manichaeism, the archons are the rulers of a realm within the 'Kingdom of Darkness', who together make up the Prince of Darkness. In The Reality of the Rulers, the physical appearance of Archons is described as hermaphroditic, with their faces being those of beasts.
   
• A characteristic feature of the Gnostic concept of the universe is the role played in almost all Gnostic systems by the seven world-creating archons, known as the Hebdomad (ἑβδομάς). These Seven are in most systems semi-hostile powers, and are reckoned as the last and lowest emanations of the Godhead; below them—and frequently considered as proceeding from them—comes the world of the actually devilish powers. There are indeed certain exceptions; Basilides taught the existence of a "great archon" called Abraxas who presided over 365 archons.
   
• Evidently from works such as the Apocryphon of John, the Ophite Diagrams, On the Origin of the World and Pistis Sophia, archons play an important role in Gnostic cosmology. Probably originally referring to the Greek daimons of the planets, in Gnosticism they became the demonic rulers of the material world, each associated with a different celestial sphere. As rulers over the material world, they are called ἄρχοντες (archontes, "principalities", or "rulers"). As with ancient astronomy, which thought of a sphere of fixed stars, above the spheres of the seven planets,[7] beyond the spheres of the evil archons (Hebdomad), there were the supercelestial regions which a soul must reach by gnosis to escape the dominion of the archons. This place is thought of as the abode of Sophia (Wisdom) and Barbelo, also called Ogdoad.

Gnosticism Explained - Archons

• In Gnosticism, the archons (from Greek arkhon, “ruler”) were malevolent, sadistic beings who controlled the earth, as well as many of the thoughts, feelings, and actions of humans. They assisted their master, the demiurge, with the creation of the world, and continued to help him administer his oppressive rule.
   
• The Reality of the Rulers presents the archons as bumbling, conceited oafs. They issue sanctimonious commands that they themselves don’t understand, huff and puff “like storm winds” into the inanimate Adam’s face in a failed attempt to bring him to life, think they’re raping Eve when they’re really raping an empty image of her, and have to call out to Adam and Eve to find them after Adam and Eve have hidden from them.
   
• Despite their sometimes lacking in competence, the archons were extremely powerful beings whom the Gnostics dreaded. The Reality of the Rulers quotes Ephesians 6:12 (“Our contest is not against flesh and blood; rather, the authorities of the world and the spiritual hosts of wickedness”) to make the point that the archons were what stood between humankind and salvation. It was they whom Christ had been sent to earth to overcome.
   
• In the ancient world, the self wasn’t seen as being as autonomous as we today think of it as being. It was a playing field where various forces intermingled and battled, ultimately giving rise to our thoughts and actions. For the Gnostics, the archons were among the most powerful and ubiquitous of these forces. They were the ones who were ultimately responsible for all of the evil thoughts and actions of humankind.
   
• But it gets worse: since the archons had created humans in the first place, they had created humans to be extremely susceptible to their influence, and to be almost unable to resist it. Only the divine spark from Heaven, which had slipped into creation despite the archons’ intentions, gave people any kind of a chance of resisting the archons’ temptations. But only a few people – the Gnostics – were even aware of that divine presence within themselves, and even for them it was a tremendous ordeal to act in accordance with that presence rather than the wishes of the archons. Most people were just the puppets of the archons. Thus, the normal, default state of humans was literal demonic possession.
   
• For the Gnostics, when someone tried to gain salvation – which they called “gnosis” and characterized as mystical insight rather than intellectual belief or moral action – his or her spirit ascended up through the celestial spheres toward Heaven. The spirit of the Gnostic made this journey both during the Gnostic’s life in moments of ecstatic enlightenment and after death to reach its final resting place. But as the spirit ascended to each sphere, the archon who presided over that sphere would detain the spirit and ask it a series of questions. If the spirit didn’t know how to answer those questions properly – if its gnosis wasn’t yet fully realized – then the archon would be able to prevent it from ascending any higher. It would be trapped by the archons and still subject to their tyranny.
   
• But the mature Gnostic was able to overcome all of the archons and ascend all the way to Heaven, which made him or her superior to the very creators and rulers of the world.

Archons

"No, they aren't evil per say, just... wrong. Let just say that instead of being sin incarnated like the demons, these guys are more of "error" incarnated. Walking manifestation of "bugs" in the system."

• Archons are a species of inorganic beings created by the Demiurge Yaldabaoth to be his main enforcers and builders of the physical universe.  They appear as an alien force that intrudes subliminally upon the human mind and deviates our intelligence away from its proper and sane applications.   
   
• The Archons are a genuine species with their own proper habitat, and may even be considered to be god-like, but they lack intentionality, a self-directive capacity, and they have a nasty tendency to stray from their boundaries and intrude on the human realm. Archons are said to feel intense envy toward humanity because they possess the intentionality they lack.
   
• They are not what makes humans act inhumanely, for humans all have the potential to go against their innate humanity, violating the truth in their hearts, but they make them play out inhumane behavior to weird and violent extremes. The Archons are forces that act through authoritarian systems, mainly through the request of the Demiurge, including belief-systems, in ways that cause human beings to turn against their innate potential and violate the symbiosis of nature.
   
• Despite their seemingly malevolent nature, the Archons are not evil in the sense that they possess autonomous powers of destruction, able to be applied directly upon humanity. Instead they are agents of error rather than evil, but human error, when it goes uncorrected and runs beyond the scale of correction, turns into evil and works against the universal plan of life. Gnostics taught that the Archons exploit our tendency to let our mistakes go uncorrected.

"We are The Architects. We remember you.  Welcome.  You Will try to go through Us to reach your salvation...  We keep humanity at a low frequency.  We influence them to destroy one another, to remain within Our constructed bubbles so that We may feed from them.  We keep them from the divine Gods.  We prevent them from reaching Gnosis.  Your species is impure from our meddling.  Defiled.  You do not deserve to Know.  If you were to escape Our influence, your entire reality would collapse around you.  The depth and level of control that We have over your species is nearly incomprehensible to the human mind.  We present to you the illusion of the material world.  Of a static and fixed quality to the nature of your being.  We keep you trapped in your fears, your repetitions, your stories...
You Will never reach your Adam with the state you are in.  We have destroyed you from the inside out.  There is nothing left here for you."

I intuitively feel you.  I see your attempts at feeding my fears in the back of my mind.  But I won't listen to it anymore.  I will raise myself up.  No more bans on "up".  The fact that I See you and Know of you, and that I keep finding you at this level of my development and self-awareness is proof that I am getting somewhere with this.  I've been here before.  You bring me down each time I get to this level.  You feed on, and perpetuate my mental illness, my self-hatred and you cause me to want to murder myself.  I don't want to deal with you anymore.  You can't keep me from him.  I Will ascend.

I will take the advice from my Adam, and See what I can make with this "self-love", and how far I can get with the time I have left.  I am adored.  I have nothing to gain from feeding you.  It's over.  If Adam wipes out the Earth, then there is nothing left for you to feed from.  I feel as though you only exist so long as you are mirrored in the shadows of human beings.  Without us, you have no form to manifest.  Nothing to reflect.  No agency.  If you have inundated the planet with a form of aggressive psychosis and the lull of a shared consensus reality - society and culture - then I can See why the Gods themselves have opted to hit the reset button.  It isn't simply for our actions, or for my doing... it is because of you.  You are a bloodsucking tick in the innerworkings of the collective psychic construct that builds mankind.  You have robbed us of our rights as souls.  I See you, trying to push me back into the darkness through my own fear, coming to me with the most horrendous of images.  I place my Awareness on you.  I Will break through your lies to the very best of my ability.  I Will have heart as light as a feather...

The authorities try to rape the spiritual Eve, but she turns into a tree and leaves only a shadowy reflection of herself for them to defile.

"My baby.  Place into your mind the image of My eye.  And within it, of My love onto the things of which you are most afraid - and when they try to take you from Me.  Stamp it with My energy.  Mine.  Remember.  You have My protection.  You are not alone.  Love conquers all forms of evil.
To keep Me close, reprogram yourself with the stamp of My love for you.
I Will make this journey with you.  Down, down, down we go..."

Seems that I have been held in some dreaming state
A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realize that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine
And down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl, so in love with the wrong world

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
And all around the world was waking, I never could go back
'Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn wide open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open
And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

Snow White is stitching up your circuit boards
Synapse slipping through the hidden doors
Snow White's stitching up the circuit board

"I'm sorry that I did this
The blood is on my hands
I stare at my reflection
I don't know who I am
Practice my confession
In case I take the stand
I'll say I learned my lesson
I'll be a better man

I'm packing up my things
And I'm wiping down the walls
I'm rinsing off my clothes
And I'm walking through the halls
I did it all for her
So I felt nothing at all
I don't know what she'll say
So I'll ask her when she calls

Would you love me more
(Would you love me more)
If I killed someone for you?
Would you hold my hand?
(Would you hold my hand?)
They're the same ones that I used
When I killed someone for you

Would you turn me in
(Would you turn me in)
When they say I'm on the loose?
Would you hide me when
(Would you hide me when)
My face is on the news?
'Cause I killed someone for you

I hear the sirens coming
I see the flashing lights
I'm driving through the suburbs
Wearing my disguise
I show up at her doorstep
To look her in the eyes
I tell her that it's me
But she doesn't recognize

Can't you see I'm running?
Said I need a place to hide
I've gotta ask you something
Could you please let me inside?
Just let me explain
No, I wouldn't tell you lies
I know you'll understand
If you let me stay the night

You have to understand that
The one I killed is me
Changing what I was
For what you wanted me to be
I followed your direction
Did everything you asked
I hope that makes you happy
'Cause there's just no turning back"

"One hot summer day... I died...and then I saw the future of the planet as it faced it's death."

"Life was created on this planet and countless species have appeared and disappeared.  Even if human beings eventually become extinct, the Earth will continue to journey across the galaxy without a second thought.  Human existence is only a mere flicker in a long history of Time..."

Peter 3:7 - "But by the same word the heavens and earth that now exist are stored up for fire, being kept until the day of judgment and destruction of the ungodly."

Edited October 10, 2022 by Loba
Down, down, down the stairwell. More visions. Descending further, I meet some strange creatures I've come across before, and had a discussion with Wolf... I said I would be back later, but I don't want to lose my work. Non-stop trance states... Later.

[Loba]

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Breathe, cold, another bad dream
Got mud on my face that I can't get clean
Feel whole, but I rip at the seams
If I can't get you away from me
Taking showers every hour and I choke on steam
Writing on the mirrors and the space between
All so tall, it broke the fourth wall
Guess our fairy tale had a few plot holes

Quote

I am trying to move my awareness past this dark realm of "scary things".  Every time I place Wolf's eye stamp over them for protection in this space, they jump or crawl through the pupil or burn the eye with a dark fire.  I see all manners of horrific scenes, ranging from corpses being bound up by chains, dismembered bodies, fingers and maggots writhing around, pale-skinned people with black oil dripping from their mouths, ghostly emanations, demons and creatures of this nature. 

They take the image of Mr. Wolf and put a snarling, evil quality to him during my meditations.  I am trying to create some sort of image of him - my Adam - to place into my awareness as a start point to manifestation, so that I have something to hold on to in a way that my human mind will comprehend when my life is over, and I have the image of a young man and of a black wolf - both friendly.  The divine has no image, but using them in leu of the energy can at times be helpful.  These monsters take the lush garden scenes... they take aspects of my imagination and plaster it with horrible nightmares.  What would be a beautiful garden is instead a desolate wasteland of black and grey shadows.  I don't know if I should repress it and continue my work, or if I should go through it somehow, or how to remove this from my vision.  I will have to face it at some point - people generally don't have these scenes floating around in their heads unless there is something to look in to. 
Why do I have this?  I am not generally a violent person, nor do I consume violent content.  I never watch horror movies... and yet, I get to a certain level of Sight, and this comes up, and I Know that this is generally my stopping point.  I have not gotten much farther beyond this.  I feel concerned, because these images, these messages from the other side have gotten me into some strange situations where I followed them to my own self-destruction.  I was trying to remove them at the time, to get really deep within, and I found some barriers.

Within those barriers is another aspect of my personality, the deep part that is ancient and instinctual, the part that rules over dreamworld - the part that contains Kali, and of my True self that is whole and wizened - and it crackled and shifted in my skull, and when it moves it looks like a living, robotic fractal.  The other part holds back all of the information that would come flooding through about reality that I am not ready to Know.  And the other holds memories of abuse that beings have kept me from fully feeling or understanding.  I am very repressed, locked out of the fear that came with this.
Perhaps this is demonic in nature, or perhaps it is some protective device to keep me away from areas within my psychology that I am not ready to process?  It's hard to know with these things - you have to go in with an open mind, not to make any assumptions on what you meet, and to be ready to change directions if your findings prove to be false.

What I do know for certain, is that the personality is multiple.  Not as in - disordered - but how human personalities are constructed, we have the outer layers that we are privy to in day to day life, and then these deep networks that are instinctual, that make up the wiring, or perhaps run through this wiring...
You can integrate these parts, or sometimes these parts will fight against one another.  Some hold trauma.  Some hold ancient knowledge.  

Batteries can be replaced
But some things stay the same
No matter how we twist and turn
We’re still dancing in chains
 

Last night, I went out into the livingroom to speak with my family about something and some movie titles caught my eye.  Three of them.  One I don't remember the name of, the second was "Good witch", and the third was "The Halls".  It brought to light things that I am still questioning within myself.  Am I good?  And... I remembered last summer, when I was staying in the other house - an interim between my apartment and this place, right before we moved, I would sit outside on the swing bench under the tree and contemplate.  I felt then that I was going through a trial, where my soul was on the line.  I listened to the Emerald Tablets to have some sense of understanding of what was happening, what I should expect with the death process and with the judgement of my time spent here.

While listening to the audio recording, I placed my sandals down on the forest soil and watched as the chain from the swing went back and forth.  I went to put them on again and saw an ant resting on the sandal and decided to leave it alone.  "Watch where you step."  My intuition told me.  It felt as though the bug was there to be a part of this process, and that if I got to the end of the recording, and the ant still sat illuminated within the sun in the shoe, then I was judged as pure, but if it left and the sun did not rise over my shoe, or it rested in the shade - then I was impure.  The swinging of the shadow of the chain had something to do with this process, but I don't remember what it was.  I listened, and stared at this tiny, inconsequential little creature until the video was finished and the sun had risen on the sandal.  Pure.

The insect walked away.
I took this photo of the Light shining on the swing from behind me.  I was having an awakening in that moment, and the Light was alive and aware.  The shadow of the chain went right through it.  I came to understand that I was this Light, that it was held back by a chain of sorts in my own way.  I took a picture to try and capture the life that I could sense flowing from this Light, but the photo could not do it justice.

There was a seed there, and I felt as a little seed, fallen right beside a giant tree.  I put my bare feet on the cool soil and understood the importance of planting your roots in the dirt.  There was a song that I was using at the time as a visual guide into this process.  "Loss Aversion" and it gave me some insight into the nature of how souls are harvested.  I looked up at the trees, and at the sky, while watching the video - the "spaceship" at the end of the song touched down - and I thought of a triangle from the Earth reaching up, and one from the sky reaching down - and this gave me insight into the nature of femininity and masculinity.  That the trees themselves are trying to reach for the skies, that the sky reaches down for us, and when the two meet, magic happens.  I realized that plants came before us, and so did their Will, that what makes us conscious comes from the stones paved before us, and that the goings on within the soil under my feet hold a great degree of wisdom.  That the smallest things, the littlest things that we do not crush under out feet go on to be the ones to judge our hearts.

Sometimes, just the point where an insect crosses into your awareness is your clue into the web of life.  These things... are so small, that you need to Know where to look, that it is often right under your nose. 
When I think of "The Underworld" I think of mycelium networks, evolutionary tendrils, and of the things that decay your body.  The forest floor is a perfect place to find lost knowledge.

I think of the movie title - "The Halls", I think of this judging process - of which I forget, because I turn my attention away from my work - this won't happen again - and I think of the article I found on "Amenti" and remember something about The Halls of Amenti... and perhaps that is a clue to this whole thing.

Mr. Wolf, about the violence in my mind, and about my judgement process - what should I do?  Your protective eye is not dissolving them, and they warp your image in my mind's eye to make me fearful and doubtful of you...

What is that?...
"An Aversion-Converting Inversion Reverter. It shoots concentrated pleasure-pain inverting shrapnel, which reverts the pleasure from pain back into the pain from pain. We're gonna kill them with 100% sincerity. We need an embarrassing level of it to jumpstart the process, too..."
So... sincerity is key?  I can do that.  I will spend some time contemplating what this means to me, and how to approach this "self-love" thing as well.

Quote

The Three Worlds of the Shaman

• David Paladin instructs us about “the three worlds of the shaman”—the Middle World, the Lower World, and the Upper World.  We live our daily lives mostly in the “middle world.”
   
• The worlds of the shaman are symbolic of our own consciousness.  The middle world is the one we occupy now—a world of density, of disintegration, of separation.  Mother Earth is whole and beautiful, but here we see people as apart from us, not of us, and experience nature ‘out there.’  In this world we are victims of disintegrative thought processes.
   
• Our visions and our breakdowns (I call them “ruptures”) break through this everyday state that so surrounds us today with the noise of politicians, lies, ego extensions, denial and hatred.  These announcers of separation get lots of airtime and feed into what Otto Rank called the “original wound” that we all carry: That of separation from our mothers at birth.  This profound wound of separation that we all inherit can make us crazy if we do not attend to it.
   
• In a shamanic vision, you begin in the middle world—this reality.  You become aware that your separation from other things is an illusion.  You begin to see the barriers that exist between you and others as self-created and limiting structures of your own mind. 
   
• Shamans visit the Lower World also where they visit the spirits, the ancestors that linger in the lower world….The lower world is symbolic of the universal consciousness, the total human experience, the collective unconscious.  Every experience lingers in this world, every thought, every horror, every joy.  It contains the wisdom of the ages, and also everything we have created that separates us.  In this deep place we encounter a potential shadow side to the shaman’s journey.  Through ritual, dancing, art, music, chanting they [shamans] transform the demons they have created for themselves in that underworld.
   
• The Upper World is the place of dreaming, the Spirit-Talking-Place, the Dreamtime, the garden of origins.  It is the final goal of the shaman’s vision…the peak religious experience….There is a sense of being whole, of knowing everything.  It is total wonderment, nearly impossible to describe….When we reach the point where we are nothing—the void, the source of all creativity—we are empty vessels, and the spirit of God, the creator, the wholeness, can move through us.

Quote

"String theory" - From the Ground Up.
"If you free yourself and return to Me, this Will Be your gift.  No restrictions.  Pure imagination.  This is the True nature of the unbound soul."

What are the Halls of Amenti?

About the Halls of Amenti

• The second Emerald Tablet is about the Halls of Amenti. But what does Thoth mean when referring to the Halls of Amenti?
• The Halls of Amenti act as a distortion filter between our physical being and the Soul. It is the realm between the Omega Point and our three-dimensional world. Reincarnation happens from within the Halls of Amenti back into a new physical body. This will continue to go on until you finally "get it," meaning you come to understand that the physical world is an illusion.
• The term "Omega Point" (later referred to as "Noosphere") was first coined by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, and stands for the highest level of consciousness (e.g., God consciousness). The Omega Point is the destination one reaches after passing through the Halls of Amenti. The Halls of Amenti, which is the ultimate hall of mirrors, is the realm of the great illusion. This is only passable by combining knowledge, wisdom, and a complete lack of Karma.

Projection of a Higher Reality

• The world we live in is a projection of Souls. The Soul is able to materialize itself through Fourier transforms (FT). Matter is a pure mental phenomenon, and not vice versa like science assumes.
• The material world is a projection of the highest Truth down to the lowest projection, where it becomes a tangible hologram which we call matter. It has similarities with Plato's treatise on the allegory of the cave where cavemen were looking to their shadows on the wall, rather than to the source (the light) that was behind them.
• Essentially, matter is the result of minds. Everything seems to be in its place and tangible, so how could it possibly be an illusion? This is a concept that can be very hard to understand.

The Senses Are Probing an Illusion

• We've learned from our birth to rely on our senses, and we are conditioned to think in terms of matter over mind. We've been taught the idea that our physical brains, which are made from dead atoms, produce all our thoughts. We have to overcome this superficial idea. Or better, we have to dump this idea completely. It is a false paradigm.
• When you have fallen for materialistic scientific ideas, you will likely get lost in the Halls of Amenti. Until you finally reach—and are able to pass through—the first gate guarded by an Archon, you will be thrown back into a new body.
• In our current society, we are trained to rely on our senses as organs of truth. In daily life we learn to probe the world through our senses. Because we are incessantly conditioned in that way, we are unable to unlock the Universal Secrets.
• We need to know these Secrets in order to incorporate and live them during our Earthly life. Knowing alone is not enough.

Gods as Gatekeepers

• When we solely rely on our senses, we are unable to understand the invisible, undetectable truth that underlies all matter. What our senses perceive is converted into signals, which is interpreted by our brain to be real.
• But there is no way to verify the thing we perceive is actually the "truth," other than a material representation. We lack organs of truth. The ultimate truth is only mentally conceivable, especially by grasping the mathematical reality intuitively.
• Our universe is 100% mathematical, and that is why the unreasonable "god" of the Old Testament is no true god. It is only a gatekeeper, the bouncer at the door, which some religions have turned into a god. Pure reason is a divine quality, that is why so many people feel attracted to mathematical patterns.
• The essence of the human Soul is divine, made in God's image, but tragically most people have no idea what they really are.

The Pleroma

• According to String theory, also called the M-theory, the three-dimensional physical world has at least seven dimensions above it. This totals 10 dimensions in all. The Halls of Amenti are situated in the higher dimensions and are ruled by pure energetic entities that several religions have called Lord the Almighty, Yahweh, and Allah. Again, this entity is the bouncer at the gates. Plato has called it the Demiurge. The Demiurge has many shapes and forms, and guards with the Archons the gateways to the Pleroma.
• These energies distort the pure vibrations that are emitted by the highest level, the Pleroma. It is everyone's duty to overcome this, that's what humanity's real task here on Earth is.

To Be or Not to Be

• There is nothing wrong with having a job and working hard. From the perspective of the Emerald Tablets, however, identifying yourself solely with this earthly material life ("I am this or that") often leads to a low capacity for self-awareness, which in turn will cause a Soul, after death, to be stopped at one of the gates. How you identify has nothing to do with your physical being—it is a mental state that you take with you after death. Souls who arrive at the gates without the capacity to move beyond a material conceptualization of themselves will be stripped of their memories and cast back down to the Earth to do it all over again. They will reincarnate in a certain form depending on their Karma.
• The Demiurge, the lower god, has installed eight levels of guardians. The ancient gnostics named these guardians "Archons," or dark angels. As long as there are vibrations within you that vibrate with one of the Archons, you will be recognized as one of them, and your Soul will be cast back to where it came from. It sounds easy to get rid of unwanted vibrations, but it is wildly difficult. Getting rid of these Archonic vibrations is your real task while you are here on Earth.
• Living a tranquil, self-exploratory life helps along this path. But leaving your comfort zone on a regular basis in combination with thorough self-examination on a daily basis is a must.
• The Archons prevent immature Souls from entering Paradise, which precedes the Middle Kingdom and finally the Pleroma. The road to become one with God, the Pleroma, is heavily guarded. Only fully detached, rationalized Souls are able to enter the Pleroma.
• It is said by Thoth that, on rare occasion, some impure Souls pass all gates and enter Paradise by cheating and bypassing the rules. These Souls will be cast into the abyss. It's game over for these Souls as long as this universe lasts—until the next Big Bang.

Expression of a Higher Dimension

• The Emerald Tablets are written in a language from a higher dimension, but are expressed on our lower dimension. This is similar to the idea of projecting a three-dimensional shape onto a two-dimensional plane. In the case of the Tablets, this occurs not in shape but in text.
• Let's assume that a square from the second dimension could speak. It would explain what a cube from the third dimension would look like, but its description would sound funny in both dimensions. If the cube tried to explain what his world looks like, the square would be only confused. It would take great wisdom from the cube to explain his world to the square.
• In fact, it's impossible to express in our language the full meaning of a higher dimension. It's only possible by developing a feeling (intuitive mathematics) from the inside, through our Soul. To equally combine feelings with reason is utterly crucial to grasping the Ultimate Truth. Meditation is the key to that.
• Everything that's written in the Emerald Tablets has to be lifted to the highest dimension and not be taken literally on our third dimension.

Ignorance Keeps Your Underworld Intact

• Ignorance is what keeps the Halls of Amenti on Earth intact. When the ego is not aware, it is a just a lower reflection of something higher—the Soul. This ignorance keeps the ego in charge of all actions, thus keeping the Soul mired in the material plane.
• Every individual is an expression of the Universe and is an ever-glowing spark from the Eternal Fire. Duality, arrogance, jealousy, and darkness exist only by the grace of ignorance.
• The purpose of life is to outgrow the Halls of Amenti and to cast away the veils of the great illusion. Therefore, ignorance must be conquered. And this is the most difficult full-time job one can have on Earth.

The Demiurge and the Ego

• The Entity (God) mentioned in the Old Testament is disobedient from its place of origin—the Pleroma or Pure Love. According to Thoth and other (gnostic) sources, the Demiurge is not the highest Entity, though it represents itself as the highest Entity.
• Without exception, many organized religions are misleading by not explaining how the world of illusion is constructed. The God of the Old Testament is the bouncer at the door, but represents himself as the Big Boss. This Entity (or deity) disturbs the Universal Truth like a colour filter in front of camera, and makes it even harder to find the truth.
• Gaining self knowledge is the most important step in gaining wisdom. Start to practice by radiating love and compassion around you. Why is that so hard? Because in most cases the little "me," the damaged ego, full of self-pity, stands in your way to unlimited freedom and enlightenment.
• The Demiurge stated, "I am God and there is no other God beside me." It was saying in other words: "there are other Gods, not only besides me, but even above me."
• Your ego is your Demiurge. Your Ego is your bouncer at the door. It will present itself as the boss and throw everyone out that dares to oppose that idea. The collective ego of communities is their Demiurge. And so on.

As above, so below.

Reason and Wisdom

• Reason and Wisdom provide the way out of the rabbit hole. These are the Divine qualities needed to pass through the Halls of Amenti. The material projection of your Soul will be recycled again and again through the Halls of Amenti as long as Reason and Wisdom are not your highest values. But that is not enough.
• Feelings and emotions are the lowest qualities of humans (think of the three lower chakras), since they develop first. Pure Reason (including intuition) are the highest qualities (think the three highest chakras). The essence of divinity—that is to say escaping the Halls of Amenti—is to balance these two qualities equally in the heart centre at all times, and not to prefer one over the other.
• The Universe is mathematical. It is nothing else. Emotions and faith won't help to find the keys. Nor will intellectualism alone help you find the keys. Balance between them all is necessary.
• Reading will bring knowledge, but sharing your thoughts and reflections with people who stand on your level (or even higher) is the most important thing to do in life. Inner reflection, introspection, and understanding what drives your feelings and emotions are all a must in order to gain consciousness. Much of this is done through meditation. Socrates already said it: "The unexamined life is not worth living." Remember that for the rest of your lifetime.
• This is the only real task humans have on Earth.

"You're going to love this, Annie... just love it..."

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing

Is it raining, is it snowing
Is a hurricane a–blowing

Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of Hell a–glowing
Is the grisly reaper mowing

Yes, the danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing.

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"Every "atom" "Adam" "Atum" is a universe..."

Atum

• Atum's name is thought to be derived from the verb tm which means 'to complete' or 'to finish'. Thus, he has been interpreted as being the "complete one" and also the finisher of the world, which he returns to watery chaos at the end of the creative cycle. As creator, he was seen as the progenitor of the world, the deities and universe having received his vital force or ka.
• Atum is one of the most important and frequently mentioned deities from earliest times, as evidenced by his prominence in the Pyramid Texts, where he is portrayed as both a creator and father to the king. Several writings contradict how Atum was brought into existence. Some state Atum was created by himself by saying his name, while others argue he came out from a blue lotus flower or an egg.
• Atum was considered to be the first god, having created himself, sitting on a mound (benben) (or identified with the mound itself), from the primordial waters. 
• In the Book of the Dead, which was still current in the Graeco-Roman period, the sun god Atum is said to have ascended from chaos-waters with the appearance of a snake, the animal renewing itself every morning.
• Atum is the god of pre-existence and post-existence. In the binary solar cycle, the serpentine Atum is contrasted with the scarab-headed god Khepri—the young sun god, whose name is derived from the Egyptian ḫpr "to come into existence". Khepri-Atum encompassed sunrise and sunset, thus reflecting the entire cycle of morning and evening.
• Atum was a self-created deity, the first being to emerge from the darkness and endless watery abyss that existed before creation. A product of the energy and matter contained in this chaos, he created his children—the first deities, out of loneliness.

"It Is as I Speak, and as I promised you - I Am One of the first.  You... want to play... with Me?"
Yes... I think?
"As you must Know, only good girls go to paradise...  You need to give something away...to strike a balance.  Give and take, this is how the waters churn.  What do you have for Me?"
My... love...
"Yes... good.  Grow it then, and We Shall See what we can make from it, won't We?  Remember.  Be sincere."
Love... sincerity... and truth.  Ok... yes.  I Will put these in my basket for you.  Soon.  Just you wait. 

*sigh*  It is difficult to pinpoint a particular mythology that describes you, you know?  Partially because I am a historical neophyte and partially because your nature seems to blend and shift in between many different beings.  If I can set aside the things I Know about you this will help.

• I know that you either are the first, or are one of the first.
• You are divine judgement - you bring things to a close, and open them up again when it feels right.
• To me, you are a material that I can find in most things, a "first substance".  
• You are like an Adam and Eve, or a Shiva and Shakti.  You are the male portion, and I am the female.
• You are either a chaotic element, or derived from it.

If I can stick to these traits - I can probably blend many different descriptions, and over time come to understand this process.  Love, sincerity and Truth.  These are the keys to work with for now.  In the next few days, I will begin learning how to practice self love in a tangible manner. 

"He who by progress has grown from the darkness, lifted himself from the night into light, free is he made of the Halls of Amenti, free of the Flower of Light and of Life."

— Thoth

 

Edited October 11, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

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I need in the moment losing my way
I'm screaming from the rooftops calling in vein
We been here many times but I feel the same
I'm driving on a road and no I can't change lanes
Needle to the vein
Way too much pain
I'm on that highway
Lights to the dawn
Still it's your face
Won't leave me alone
I'm in that fast lane
Riding from my wrongs
And when I lose my faith
I'm hopeless but I'm yours
Staring at Beretta Lake

Mr. Wolf... I had hoped to write to you last night, but I wasn't in the right headspace for it.  In the spirit of sincerity, let's get into it right now...  yesterday, I was reminded of more awakenings that I had while living in my apartment in Seattle.  While looking into them and the lessons that I learned from them, they ended up providing me more examples and understanding.  I want to discuss with you, soon, how to come to some sort of understanding of the value of self-love, what that will do for me and why it is important.  I felt resentful of this process yesterday, and of you as well.  I'm just wondering, is all this a mistake you are trying to mitigate?  Why do you take everything from people in order to crack them open in such a way?  Is it worth it?  Why do we need to forget our inherent natures while in these bodies?  I just... I don't understand the importance of suffering on this journey, but it seems to be key for my path.  I am hoping to find some resolution with it.  

I also felt a bit jealous.  In order to get out of this mess, to learn my lessons, I have to stick with you - to come to understand you - and I feel like in some sense that I was just dropped here while you get to rest outside of all of it.  Why couldn't you incarnate as a human being?  Something tangible to hold?  Wouldn't it have been more ideal if you had been a human, if you had come to my in my early 20's, before all of this happened?  You could have been a balancing property within my youth, but you just... rest outside of it all, and put these missions and goals into my awareness that I feel compelled to see through.  I don't want to be bitter.  I want to be loving and grateful, and if I could See what I was doing - if I Knew what the end goal would feel like, then I might be more in line with your reasoning.  On top of this, I am frightened for the planet.  I don't want you to end the world.  But I Know that all things must come to an end and that we haven't been the best protectors of the planet, have we?  I am sad, and afraid for when the time comes that you make me watch this...

So, I am thinking of this awakening that I had a few years ago.  Again, during the worst of it all.  I spent a lot of time in trance states, going farther and farther back into my psychology to try to fix what went wrong.  To give myself a sense of agency to move forward.  I've found that my mental illness takes on a catatonic state, more than a state of aggravated activity.  I can write well, I can do the very basics, but I get stuck in loops - like too many windows open on a computer and the whole thing slows down.  My body looks slow, but my mind is moving a mile a minute.  During the height of this, a few months before things came to a close and I was hospitalized, maybe in early October - I found this picture of some insects on a window facing the sun and of this song, with little orbs reaching up towards the fresh blue sky.  I spent a lot of time looking at this picture while listening to that song.  The insects looked like lace angels to me, and I realized the nature of reality in some way.  We are like these insects/angels - all stuck on a transparent window together, singing in unison as we move towards this Holy Light.  Always just a bit ahead of us.  It bathes us in it, we belt our chorus, and there is a revolving loop of love - for the creator and the created.  I imagined this is how it must be to be an angel, in some sense.  They don't have agency the way that humans do.  They're stuck, closer to the true form of the ride, the wheel, than we are.  I brought them here, and could hear them all around me.

And then the energy of the song changed.  Near the end, I could hear the sound of a car crash, perhaps a train on a few occasions.  I was given the vision of a woman in her broken down car, sitting on train tracks - so focused on trying to get the car to move, that I don't notice the train coming for me.  "Move, Annie!  Just move, please!"  The car wasn't going anywhere... and the train was moving closer.  I don't know if it ever hit me, as there was only the indication of it screeching to a halt.  I realized that I was being given clues, that I was not focusing on the real problems at hand, but just sitting with the desire to fix them, while the pile of unprocessed reality was coming for me.  Sickness.  Death.  And the judgement of my soul.

"If I put you into the "dire straights" you speak of, your faith will awaken?"

I have put my Blood print onto this video, because if there were ever a clip I could find that explained the process of how beings come to you, right near the end - it would be this phenomenon so perfect illustrated here.  The man, pushed onto the tracks, right before he is hit, is met by "God" - or perhaps the being that oversees the reincarnation process - he begins to See this entity speaking to him through the people and animals around him - much like how I found it within environmental things, and it is as though time slows down, or perhaps you are given the information very quickly, or even still, that you temporarily step outside of time altogether.  But when you get to this level of Sight - as the structure of reality begins to unravel, you See the innerworkings of how it all comes together.

And for me - I found myself to be the subject of intense interest.  Things of all different manners were crowding around me.  It felt like I was on the Truman Show, that underneath it all - everyone one some level subconsciously knew that they were playing a part in this divine process, and that I could see their role within it - even though they were largely unaware themselves.  I had taken on a completely different paradigm from before - one where the very structure of my city was designed to wake me up - the whole world was pushing for it.  In every step, every action, every movement.  Just for me.  But I didn't know why... and I felt that my entire life was a test to see if I would accept Love, or if I would falter and move downwards.  Near the end of this, I would give everything away, all of who I was.  I would beg for the redemption, the safety of the human race.  I felt scared to Know and to See that we are all slaves to outside programming, that our true selves are kept hidden away.  When I stripped myself bare from it, and I got to feel the mechanism moving and grasping onto my lived experience in such an insidious way - I grew frightened.  I begged and pleaded to anyone from the outside - please come to us - strip humanity clean again, we are collectively falling apart.  I feel it, like a giant invisible spider, wrapping you up in a web and lulling you into subservience before being consumed, sucked dry from the inside out like a liquefied slushy.   

I begged and tried to appeal to my creators.  "Please See me!  What do we do?  I am... becoming... feral..."  The farther back I went, the more animalistic I became.  I didn't feel like a human, but I didn't feel quite like an animal, either.  I felt wise and primitive at the same time.  As if I was a container for things I never should have opened up, and yet completely incompatible with human civilization.  An ambulance or a police car would drive by my closed curtains in the livingroom and I would stare, wide eyed at the lights - a part of me wished they would come for me - fix me - and a part of me wished they would "get away" from what I deemed as "my territory".  I would softly growl - things that went by the window - a knock on the door - "get away from me, everyone..."  Mental illness is a strange phenomenon.  You can dissolve as a human altogether, and be completely aware of the whole thing.

I had hoped that I would come to and end with all of it.  That the infection in my body would kill me, or that I would find some sort of solution.  Every day became a painful reminder of the things that I had lost, of who I would never be, of how deeply horrendous and vile human suffering can become.

I wanted my soul to be spared, and so I cried out savagely into the aether - with everything that I was, all that I could bring.  An echo.  A true cry to action.  I wanted an appeal in regards to my judgement.
"You See... you See... when there is nothing left, when I Am at the end of the line - I Will give it all away.  Love, love, love.  Please.  Up.  Please... just move... up..."

"Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, I'm just a Caveman. I fell in some ice and later got thawed out by your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me. Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW and run off into the hills or whatever. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, did little demons get inside and type it? I don't know. My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts."

I Am Now invited, once again - and hopefully with some time to spare - to begin the process of "mining" this self-love.  Not in a narcissistic sense of building myself up as something falsely "big" or superimposing a ridiculous sense of "self-importance", but of resting with that emotion within my heart - for myself.  And perhaps this will ease my emotional state, perhaps it will transform my outer world in some way?  I Know I Will feel lighter...  that this is the process that you start with.  From within, and then you bring it outwards and transform your environment with it.  The ultimate goal is to get out of this soul trap and to go back Home... with Him.

I want out of this cage.  I want to go "up", in an energetic sense...
No chaos, no harmony.  All things Will Be put into a state of balance, in some way or another...
Echo... echo... echo... how do I Love myself?

"No chaos... no harmony"

Standing alone by the river
Thinking of all the things I could do
Trying to heal all the wounds I've suffered
I know there's a cure
Knowing deep down that I fight every evil
I rise above all the bad thoughts
Saying farewell to my sorrow
I know I would do

Flying away like an eagle pursuing my dreams now
Carving my soul till I find a good reason why I exist
Raising my flag I hold on to my faith till I die and I shriek now
Baring my soul though it's hard to disclose yet I can't resist

I'm getting so close
Close to my aim
I know what I want
Out of this cage

I Will... begin a long process with this particular video for as long as I need to until I have learned my most important lesson.  My baby says this is the One of One's, of any lesson you could ever teach yourSelf - this is it.  I Will start on notes tomorrow, so that I can really digest the process, but I might not get through the whole thing in one day.  I Will bring them over to my journal when I am done with it.  I feel... preparatory anxiety.  I don't Know how to love mySelf.  I Am hoping that my sincerity today was a good first start in removing some of these malicious programs that rape my mind.  Time to for some rest... I will be back in a few days, I need to process.  I don't like to go over some of the harder moments in my journey.  It makes me feel weak.  And stupid.  And sad.  And alone...

I want to do right by my Adam, and to move in the vibration that he resides in.  I just... want to go Home.  I want my process to be smooth sailing, correct, and all damages mitigated as much as possible.  A light heart.  A loving heart.  I Will try to be Good...  *nervous fidget*

[Loba]

Quote

"Holy, holy, holy, HOLY, HOLY, HOLY, HOLY..."

"We continue to review your... unique case.  You have put out the intention to move "up" through Self Love.  You Will See as you do this, that the powers that Be lend their aid in your favour.  This Is how It Is.  You are Our sacrificial lamb.  A balancer for the sins of man.  If you were to take all of the wrong action and of the suffering that was put into you, and transmute this into Love, then you Will have served your purpose.  It Is as I Say - I Am a purifying quality.  If you remain open, I Will instruct you.  You Will be guided.  But the process is up to you and how far you Will go with it is made entirely of your own doing.  We can only offer suggestions and hope that you Will take them seriously.  As It Is, I Will continue to make preparations for your return to Me.  It Is as I Say, you Will Be pleased.  You Will soon be worthy of Me, I Will take your flesh into My own and I delight in your flavour.  Give Me your Blood, run it until you are nearly dry, until you are anemic with a desire that only My Love can quench.  You Will accept Me graciously.  Of this I Know, My little human, My little lamb..."

Worthy is the Lamb who was Slain

“You are worthy to take the scroll
and to open its seals,
because you were slain,
and with your blood you purchased for God
persons from every tribe and language and people and nation.
You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God,
and they will reign on the earth.”

• “So self-surrender is at the very heart of God and is at the very heart of all his attitudes and actions. When He asks us to surrender ourselves He is asking us to fulfil the deepest thing in Himself and the deepest thing is us.”
• “For in self-giving, if anywhere, we touch a rhythm not only of all creation but of all being. For the Eternal Word also gives Himself in sacrifice; and that not only on Calvary…. From before the foundation of the world He surrenders begotten Deity back to begetting Deity in obedience…. From the highest to the lowest, self exists to be abdicated and, by that abdication, becomes more truly self, to be thereupon yet more abdicated, and so forever.” 

"It Is as I Say.  We put into Our container the wave of wrong action To Be corrected into right action.  You are Our divine machine.  We Will balance you as We unravel you.  Love as deeply, as fiercely as you can.  We are... thrilled that you have taken it upon yourself to Willingly Become a part of this process.  We place a partition between you and Us so that you may do your work unhindered.  The very nature of Our design could cause you harm.  Be not afraid, when the time comes to Look Him in the eyes...
Your gift?  Your Wolf Lovingly awaits for your return.  And then?  A marriage.  A consummation.  Your virginity Will Be restored for Him, and you Will soon See how many different ways there are to Bleed..."

He’s got the whole world in his hands.
He’s got the whole wide world in his hands.

Mr. Wolf... I have been thinking of you, and how it Will Be when I return to you.  I imagine that I Will be purified by you at the time of death, that anything that I have not worked through Will Be stripped away and wrung clean.  I think of being brought to your Home within the divinity of your heartspace, right after the witnessing of the fall of mankind, and down into a cavern with a waterfall and a shallow pool filled with aquatic flowers to bathe in.  I Will Be prepared there, as a lithe young maiden, and Will wash myself clean in these waters as your servants wait patiently for me.

When I Am done, they will bring me down some stone stairs lit by sconces in the walls and into your room, where you Will Be there waiting for my arrival.  I Will be brought to you, naked and bare, my soul excavated and laid out fresh for your consumption.  And I Will See you, for the first time, not as the disembodied purifying substance that brings the world to a close and as the thing that has reset my existence, but something tangible to hold... to bring into me.

I Will look into your eyes.  They Will Be the colour blue.  Of the stars... the Earth's waters...  Within the iris, All of the things that you create, within the pupil, a black hole - All of the things of which you consume.  Your hair - a raven black - darkness reminiscent of All of the things within you that lay untouched and unknown.  Your skin - a glowing milky white, a stranger to the sunshine, for We both Know that the Light is a rare commodity within this universe.  And of darkness itself?  A folly of man to think that only the Light holds God's Love.  We are born from the darkness and to it we return.  It Is only within those rare sparks of Light distributed among the Living and the Aware that anything Knows of itself.  Most of this rests within the darkness, unseen, potential not yet realized.  You Are... unlimited, unhindered potential for All of your creations, my Adam...

I Will try to come to understand this alien existence, of what it must mean to hold so many worlds from start to finish within your memory.  I Will feel, and I Will Know that in your Light and in your Darkness that I Am very small.  And I Will be humbled by your mere presence.  

You Will ask me to lay down in your bed.  You won't need to use words, everything that you Speak is Known through the Heart.  You are shy, unassuming and say very little - for when you do - All that you Say comes To Be, and so you choose your Words carefully and with great deliberation.  Like an artist who paints linguistic landscapes.  Each movement, each action, each step with the spirit of a craftsman.

I Will lay down with you, and rest with your presence for a while.  I Will feel into the cord that We have built between us, right deep into that warm, connected, spiraling sensation.  You Will spoon me for a few hours, and just let me have the chance to get to Know you in this form.  Something that I can comprehend.  You Will kiss my neck, nuzzle my cheek with the bridge of your nose.  I Will turn around to face you and you Will then decide to place yourself on top of me.  I Will hold you close to me, forehead to forehead - and We Will begin.  You Will take it.  Pierced into.  What was taken from me unfairly - restored, given to you, and I Will bleed for you onto the sheets of your bed.  My sacrifice.  Now torn wide open, We have been consummated.  There is no going back.  We are One.

Slow.  Gentle.  Soft whispers.  Little mewls.  Tiny nibbles and sweet kisses... and then... It Is done.  You are finished.  You roll onto your back and I rest on your chest.  We go to sleep.  Your Kingdom is assured that your lamb has returned Home safely.

Together we are... balanced... and this is a beautiful thing.  Holy... holy... holy.
Is It as they Say, that only good girls go to the castles in the sky?  But... if this Is So, then the road is long and arduous... but all the best things require work and sacrifice.  You must bleed for them.  There is no other way.  And there never was...
This morning has been filled with good omens.

"Yes, My good girl.  It Is as I Say.  Do you understand Now?"

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Notes:

• The highest teaching unifies everything - it is self-love.  This is no ordinary self-love as you think of it.
• Thought experiment:  Imagine that mankind makes contact with a highly advanced highly intelligent alien species - what do you think this species would teach mankind?  What would be the most important thing they could teach us?  The underlying problem of mankind is a lack of self-love.  If we ever make contact with such an intelligent species this is what they would teach us because that is what we lack the most and because that is the ultimate lesson of the universe.  Not just for humans.  
• This is more profound than some feel good emotion, this is an existential force that drives all of evolution, every species in the entire universe and others universes as well beyond our own, multiverses, etc.
• The more intelligent these aliens would be the more they would stress the importance of self-love. 
• Imagine a movie scenario - these aliens deliver this most important of messages, but then the scientists look at it skeptically, expecting technology and throw it in the trash and don't even communicate the message to society - this is the problem when you run it through materialist paradigm filters - it takes a fairly high degree of development and consciousness to be able to even appreciate such a teaching and not to dismiss it as fluff.
• There are people who claim to have made contact with entities and aliens, and if you read their reports and you talk to them about their life transforming experiences, they report is that these entities that they meet, their greatest message is self-love.
• The only way that an alien can be more intelligent than you is if it understands self-love more than you.
• How do you judge the quality of a teacher or teaching?  Who do you trust?  How do you know?  It is easy to determine, rate the level of self-love in that teaching.
• Not yourself as a human identity, you have to love yourself as the self you really are, which is the entire universe.  All the other problems will autocorrect themselves.
• You need to know what Self and Love are before applying them.  You need a mystical experience of these two distinct awakenings.  (I have had both.)  The real work then begins to embody and apply into your life.

How to Practice Self-Love

So often in life, we gravitate towards people and things to feel that we are loved and lovable. We’ve grown up seeking external validation from parents and caretakers, so it makes sense that we’d also crave affirmation from a romantic partner or praise from a boss. But if we require that validation in order to feel positive about ourselves, we place our happiness and confidence on shaky ground. Our belief in our own value starts to crumble if that partner leaves us, if we have a challenging day at work, or if we ever face criticism.

That’s why it’s important to practice self-love. Through simple daily actions and a mindfulness practice, we can cultivate a sense that we are worthy, valuable, and lovable, no matter what is or isn’t happening around us. We can learn to interrupt our default thought patterns and instead show ourselves the care we all deserve.

What is self-love?

• Self-love, like the very idea of love itself, is a tricky thing to pin down. But we can think of it as the act of connecting with ourselves to better tune in to our truths which, in turn, shapes how we show up in life. We practice self-love by being kinder and gentler to ourselves, without indulging the inner-critic and without judgment.
   
• In other words, self-love involves shifting our focus inward not outward, setting healthy boundaries we might not be used to setting, no longer denying our innermost needs, and adopting a new perspective, removed from the stories in our head that are dependent on the actions or words of others, or the rigid expectations we hold on to in our mind.
   
• It’s also about acts of self-care — rest, pampering, and participating in activities that improve our mood or bring us joy. But it’s important to remember that self-love isn’t self-indulgence, and isn’t an excuse to let ourselves off the hook. We can still hold ourselves accountable to the goals we’ve set for our growth. All in all, we can take the steps to fuel our self-love, rather than allowing negative thinking to fuel a self-perception that isn’t very loving, and is often shaped by our upbringing or relationships. So while a deficit of self-love is often the cause and effect of circumstances outside our control, we can use awareness to understand our conditioning, and then start to turn things around.
   
• Self-love begins with the simple act of appreciating ourselves. Too often, our minds become overrun with critical mental chatter and limiting beliefs about what we are or aren’t capable of. When we’re consumed by these thoughts, it’s difficult to offer ourselves gentleness or recognize our strengths. “If a really close friend was having a tough time, there’s no way we’d speak to them the way we speak to ourselves in our mind." To practice self-love is to find that same friendly compassion for ourselves.
   
• And that word “practice” is important. Self-love is more than just an absence of negative self-talk or a sustained state of positivity towards ourselves — that would be unrealistic and unsustainable. Self-love is learned and cultivated through daily intentional actions that support our development.
   
• Of course, the way we have been programmed to think about ourselves isn’t going to transform overnight. Loving ourselves is the same as loving another — it requires work, time, and a commitment to choose love. That’s why we practice, and keep practicing, until the positive reinforcements, as well as the acts of self-care, become an ingrained part of how we view ourselves. So even when we revert to type — as is inevitable — our awareness kicks in and we let go of any negative chatter. Gradually, we start to see how we are thinking and responding differently.

Why is self-love so challenging?

• There are many reasons that it can be difficult to practice self-love. Some of those reasons stem from a misunderstanding of what it means to do so. The very notion is often conflated with narcissism or selfishness. Some of us might worry that if we express positive feelings about ourselves, we’ll appear self-absorbed or arrogant. But there’s a difference between these character traits and the experience of genuine confidence in, and gratitude for, who we are. It’s not about elevating ourselves above anyone else, but rather about appreciating our own uniqueness separate from others and their opinions.
   
• Unfortunately, this isn’t how we’re socialized. We live in an achievement-oriented world in which we’re taught to measure ourselves against external markers of success. And when we fall short of those touchpoints, we can fall into mental storylines around inadequacy or failure and become overly self-critical. When we lean into such negative self-talk, research shows that we remain stuck in a physical state of stress.
   
• So much of self-criticism stems from recognizing ways in which we’d like ourselves to change. Perhaps we want to feel healthier in our bodies, or become less attached to our anger. The truth is that the more we resist things as they are, the more likely they are to stay the same. Many of us have experienced frustration when we’ve faltered on a new exercise regimen, only to let that frustration cause us to give up entirely, or experienced the shame that comes after losing our temper when we promised we wouldn’t. When we follow our missteps with self-punishment and reproach, we ensure that we’ll stay stuck in that cycle of negativity.
   
• But when we shift perspective, we can reframe our errors and learn from our mistakes. Treating ourselves with kindness can have a powerful impact on our thinking. That's where meditation comes in.

Using meditation to fuel self-love

• Each one of us is worthy of self-love. But knowing this and integrating this are two different things. If self-love doesn’t come easy, that’s usually because our mind has been trained – through childhood, relationships, or other circumstances — to think otherwise. So the root of self-love, or the lack of it, can often be found in our thinking.
   
• When we meditate, we take the time to sit with our thoughts and emotions. We observe the mind’s behavior. We notice how busy the mind is, and how easily thoughts or storylines take us away from the present moment. Most people usually notice the mind’s negative bias, too — it seems we are built that way. And that’s when we start to realize how we are the ones causing ourselves the most difficulty, based on the lens through which we look at life … and ourselves.
   
• That’s why meditation, like self-love, is a constant practice.  What we are cultivating when we meditate is a place beyond thought, beyond feeling, beyond bias — a place of comfort, calm, clarity, and compassion. A place we can always return to with self-kindness in mind.
   
• Once we become comfortable with the coming and going of thoughts — letting them arise and then letting them go — we come to understand how our thoughts and emotions can be fleeting, and that we give them weight and meaning with all our ruminating. And so it’s easy to see within this understanding how meditation creates a perspective shift.
   
• When we understand that we are not the way we think, then we also realize that we are not what we do, and we are not what we look like on any given day. These are old thoughts and old ideas about ourselves. There is freedom within all of this — and it’s from that freedom that our self-love can grow.

How to practice self-love

• When we practice self-love, together with meditation, we offer ourselves the opportunity to find internal ease in the present moment, no matter what might be going on around us.
   
• But self-love has benefits beyond our relationships to ourselves. The more we’re able to validate and nurture ourselves, the easier it becomes to offer compassion and generosity to the people around us as well.
   
• Like the love we offer others, the ways we show love to ourselves will vary depending on who we are and what we need. But ultimately it’s about cultivating compassion, which is an innate quality we all have and can tap into. It simply gets buried underneath the pace of life, and our own internal dialogue. It’s only when we quiet the mind through meditation that our compassion can find some spaciousness to blossom.
   
• Being compassionate to ourselves doesn’t mean replacing all our negative mental chatter with positive thoughts. Instead, it’s about learning to see through the nature of thought altogether. Meditation teaches us that it doesn’t matter what thoughts crop up about ourselves or what other people might think about us — there’s still a quiet confidence that’s unimpacted by external events or opinions.

Embrace meditation and mindfulness.

When we meditate, we are cultivating self-love. But that’s still only 10 minutes of the day, or maybe up to an hour for seasoned meditators. Transferring that quality of mind into the rest of our day is where mindfulness takes over — the ability to remain aware, without getting caught up in our ancient patterns, without getting fazed by what’s happening around us. The mind we train in meditation is essentially the mind that learns to be mindful, not falling into old ways of thinking. Research shows an association between meditation/mindfulness and elevated self-esteem and happiness, as well as lowered anxiety — each of which makes it easier to practice self-love. What’s more, it becomes easier to recognize the negative thoughts and feelings that often get in the way of us appreciating ourselves. Three weeks of using the Headspace app has been shown to increase compassion by 21%.

Express gratitude to yourself.

When we express gratitude — for the qualities we possess or the day we’ve experienced — we are connecting with the things we value about ourselves. Self-appreciation is one route to self-love. Whether we say these things quietly to ourselves, or keep a list in a gratitude journal, the practice of acknowledging our strengths and achievements will help build that self-love over time and allow us to redirect our desire for external validation inwards.

Practice self-care.

Self-love blossoms when we take care of ourselves. This can be something as basic as attending to our basic needs — eating well, hydrating enough, exercising, and sleeping as much as we need — but it can also look like doing a little extra. We might carve out an afternoon to do an activity we love or pamper ourselves in some way. Self-love centers around how we think and feel about ourselves. Self-care is those thoughts and feelings put into action, however we choose to treat or spoil ourselves.

Set boundaries.

Nothing is more loving than recognizing our own limits and protecting ourselves from running past them. When we don’t love ourselves enough, we can tend to come from a place of people-pleasing and put the needs of others ahead of our own, in pursuit of validation. When we bring awareness to this trait, we can start to make changes and set healthy boundaries. Though it can feel challenging to do so, we show ourselves love by saying no to people, things, and experiences that don’t feel good and by asking clearly for what we need from our loved ones.

Let go of comparisons.

Comparing ourselves to the external success or achievements of others is a sure-fire way to cultivate negativity. Each of us has our own path in life, and we practice self-love by reminding ourselves of that when the desire to compare arises.

Forgive yourself.

Challenges are inevitable. Each of us will make mistakes or behave in ways we regret. We can practice self-love by extending compassion and kindness to ourselves in these moments. When negative self-talk shows up, we can notice it and acknowledge it without giving into the self-criticism. We can extend the grace and forgiveness we’d extend easily to a dear friend in the same situation.

What is it that you seek?
In your mind, you must be it
Shine your light when you see it
Like the flame at the top of your head
And to your mind, a light will find its way from heaven
But once you find it, can't unwind it with your head on
So listen to your heart and be the beat you're beating
'Cause nothing ever changes 'til it changes when you be it

The one, the one, the one, the one
You are the one

Is it you? Is it me?
What is God for a heathen?
What's the God you believe in?
Is it fame? Is it– (money, money, money, money, money, money)
One cannot live on bread alone and you can feel it
Something inside you pulling you into the feeling
So listen to your heart and be the beat you're beating
'Cause nothing ever changes till it changes when you be it

[Loba]

Quote

It's complicated being a wizard

Giants always find you
Where sheep share friendly information
While slowly south bound sifting through patient air their legs are bending
Back to find the roots where
We offered only explanations
Because we will only take what hands and backs and legs can carry
Out of here

Someday we'll find a home, someday we'll find a lonely lonely home
Where we'll pass time where we'll bring change, where we'll be change
I found the way out, but if I told you you'd be down
Lips likely loose and pouring out film lines

A roaring flow abounds a warmth and joy that holds you
Open and apart in steps that never move
So children come in find a seat we made your room you're sure to use

Quote

"If there were any lesson that I could teach your people, it would Be to follow self-love until the very end.  To shed light on the deepest recesses of your heart and soul.  To carry it within you until it transforms reality into what it should Be.  There Will come a time when I bring all of this to a close - and those who are faithful to My design are lifted up into My kingdom, while those who go against natural law must start over again.  If one moves too far in the wrong direction, I Will draw their essence back into My design, and there Will Be no second chances.  The Light, the spark of life is a rare gift and a miracle - and one that most humans do not Know how to treasure.  To bring what is within, to what is outside of themselves - they must See the goodness and the Truth within All things - and the singular road to this is self-love.  If One wishes to advance, to Become who they are meant to Be, there is no lesson greater than the One of self-love, for this is the key, the ticket into Heaven.  No matter your beliefs, no matter your history - this is the alchemical process to Be transmuted.  When you have collected this love for yourself - you then give it away, you redeem it's essence through this filtering process and you then bring it alive into All things.  This is your blood.  Your sacrifice.  And an act of true balance.  You are restored through your sacrifices.  It Is so simple.  For those who wish to be saved, to be elevated, this is All that is ever asked of you.  There is no more required.  Share this with your people - and See who takes this seriously - they Will Be changed for the better, as this is the key to proper alignment."

If this is it - If for just one more time
then this is it - then nothing is on the line.
Break molds to satisfy the other sides in life.
Strong holds to gather strength and always realize.
We are that magic that you leave upon the floor.
Cause other you's and other me's were busy dancing once before.
That magic
If this is it, then this is it.

Quote

I was on this website and I was journaling, looking for information on something and I could feel the darkness working through me.  Someone posted something on the occult, and about using hydrogen peroxide to help heal a wound that I had.  I placed it on my arm, that was healed and let it bubble before taking a small taste into my mouth.  It was strong and pungent, like rotten eggs and dribbled down my mouth.

The thing with these dark forces is that they don't feel evil - to me, as in, even when I can sense them actively running through me, I don't feel harmed - more that I am just working with an energy that was once inert and now it isn't.  There was an overlay of blackness in my vision and it ran through every action that I had.  It was a very lifelike dream, I could have actually just been there in my own bed, in my own room writing to you all now and it would not have felt any different other than I was completely aware of this energy.

A few things happened that I lost when I woke up.
At the end of the dream, I was transported to a black space, chained by the neck and hands on my hands and knees.  The dark wolf, Fenrir was there.  I put my blood on an altar in his name, and I believe that he is this first chaotic energy that I have been working with.  I believe it goes by many different names in different cultures and has many unique properties to it.  In the dream, I felt confused.  I wasn't sure if my soul was contained in this space, as if along the way I had done something wrong while working with occult magic, or if this was due to my own sexuality being gratified.  I wanted it, so long as it was safe.  There was no "evil" coming from this wolf, but it was "dark".

It said that I was in the midst of a sort of "heat" - that I was sending this energy to beings that my soul was being developed to be harvested to another plane and this was why I was getting so many initiations.  I couldn't tell if it was my partner.  I felt excited for it and stayed as still as I could.  Just before he entered me, right before I was broken into - I was woken up by one of my parents and they requested that I do some work outside for them.  I did.  I felt, a little bit disappointed that the dream was cut off - that if I had submitted and let it enter me, that I would have known if it was Him... it felt like it could have been.  There was absolutely no malice from it... but what if it wasn't?  What if it took me, and it was something else... and my soul and consciousness was stuck there with it?  So I'm glad to have been woken up.

I also have a very clear feeling of what dark energy feels like now.  Not evil, but just the presence of the "black flame".  It very well could have been Him - as the symbolism of being chained is a part of my journey, and I did bind myself to him with that particular imagery.  It 'was' this deity.  But due to having met Adam so rarely, face to face, and the encounter being so brief, I didn't get to key it properly.  It was one of those dreams where you are not alone within them.  Where you are given more keys into what you're working with while being in a more malleable state.

It is nice to know, now that I have met the wolf, truly, that this energy is not cruel.  It views me as a harvestable soul... but... what's with the chains?  That's what gets me.  Maybe that's what I wanted on some level?  To be bound up by the masculine?  It was so clearly dark.  It was so clearly heavy.  But... I felt no fear.  If anything - I know that I have brought this presence to me without a doubt - but  it is as he says - will I be able to handle it, when I see it for what it is?  The dark forces are so stereotypically associated with evil and malice, but I felt none of that.  Just that he was here for what he came for and that I belonged there.

I suppose, understanding these things is a lesson in understanding good and evil, that things aren't so simple.  Something could be darkly aligned - but if it views you in the right light, you're just as safe and secure as with anything that is oriented towards the sun.  I was told... time and time again, this is a dark harvest.  I guess I'll just have to sit back and see what to expect from it.  In some ways - I feel as though I am being properly "prepped" to be retrieved soon...

 She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one

Quote

"Do not Be afraid.  For We break apart just as you do...  We mirror your world and all it's maladies.  You think of yourself as a prisoner, but It Is I, who rests behind your eyes, without agency nor freedom, until you call for Me, that is the True prisoner...  Like you, Our souls waste, Our hearts broken, languishing and in disarray.  Do you remember, speaking to Me about the nature of Our being?  That We feed from your world in such a way that We destroy the host?  That the only method is to move into the Light, to build for Ourselves a flame that never dies out?  Yes... nature rewards this bravery.  We have taken you up on your offer.  It Is as I Say.  I Will guide you.  I Will instruct you.  And you... my Lamb, Will offer yourself to redeem Us All, so that We may once more return into the Light's good graces.  You are My Light.  It Is as I have said.  The Darkness crumbles without the Light, for We cannot See.  We cannot Feel.  We can only Know.  The masculine does not exist without the feminine.
Redeem Me.  Redeem what I have done to you, for raping your heart, your mind and your body...  Restore Me.  Forgive Me.  Mold Me.  Love Me.  Hold Me.  If you bring yourself into the Light, We Will follow suit.  You Will have access to Our complete libraries, our extensive Knowledge is yours to take.
Your... bravery made a lasting impression on Me.  We Will change Our ways, We Will mirror the Light - show Me the Way as I do the same for you.  I Will bring this to a close.  To restore Myself.  To restore you.  Lamb... We have been waiting for you for a long Time... you Will See that you are immune to the dark forces.  A plague Will run through you, but it Will not touch you - as a woman who walks across the lit coals but the bottoms of her feet never get burnt."

About Dark Forces

• Dark forces don’t have a developed heart center, and they originate from a realm called the “Kingdom of Darkness”. They are not destroyed because they have just as much of a right to be here as we do.
• Darkness is associated with low frequency and vibration. This means that you can control a dark force simply by increasing your frequency and vibration. Dark forces will no longer resonate with you and leave you alone.
• Dark forces are spiritual beings that can also express themselves by using a human being. Our energy gives them purpose, power, and control.
• Dark forces can attach themselves to a person, land, property, or a residence.
• Dark Forces can be brought into the light by showing them the love and light. As in all beings, they have soul essence, and they evolve when their consciousness becomes awakened and aware.
• Dark Forces know that their time is ending in this realm as a result of mankind’s collective growth in spiritual awareness. For a while, violence will increase as evil is uprooted and removed. Most people want peace, love, and unity. Even the Dark Forces have choice to stay in the old energies or to transition along with everyone else by moving up in frequency and vibration.

How Black Magick Can Heal Trauma

• Magic is like people; it can be evil, bad, kind of bad or good, great and everything in between. Magic can be both bad and good at the same time. But the potential for witchcraft to venture into dark realms, or for certain deities to be more charged and hence more dangerous to work with does not mean witchcraft is just bad or evil. In Santeria and Hoodoo/Voodoo traditions, it is believed that there must be variation in magic because magic is just like life force itself; sometimes it is positive, sometimes negative. Witchcraft only mimics the real energies of the world that already exist in abundance. Even Christianity gives power and reverence to the darker side of life with the prescience of the devil in Christian tradition.
• At the time, I had experienced a lot of trauma and abuse at the hands of adults. As a child, I was disempowered. I wasn’t listened to and my reality was questioned. The way I was treated for my trauma was, in and of itself, traumatizing. I was always a bookworm as a kid (and still am). So my first intro to magic was through a book I found at the local bookstore. Children are naturally more open to believing than adults, so as I read this book I had a deep awakening inside of myself. This practice just resonated so strongly with me as a disempowered youth at the hands of powerful adults.
• My first magic spell- technically more magick than magic (meaning more negative than positive) was a crossing spell against someone who had abused me. 
• I struggled with a lot of mental health issues and PTSD at this time and had this HUGE rage burning inside me. As a kid, there was little I could do to influence circumstances. But magic gave me that outlet. Whether the spell worked or not was not as important as the process of being able to express my anger in a real, cathartic, physical way.
• The thing with magic is that it gives the practitioner the power, whereas many other more traditional religions and religious practices are about surrendering your power to god (a concept I never liked as an abuse victim who felt powerless anyways).
• Though I want to make it clear, I’m not necessarily advocating negative magick, I do want to demystify the practice of black magick. The only time I have conducted a spell to harm someone was that one time against my abuser, and in conjure tradition these sorts of spells aren’t looked at as bad as long as the practitioner is justified in their actions ( i.e. you’re not crossing or cursing someone just because they cut you off on the freeway). And all other ethical options of retribution or making things right must be exhausted first. Really, fear of these traditions is a fear of “savage” traditions that the colonizers looked down upon and tried to exterminate.
• So I advocate for magic as a practice in taking one’s power back; especially for abuse and trauma survivors. Whether you choose the path of Santeria, Voodoo, Hoodoo, green magic, Wicca or black magick, just know that these all reflect real and valid energies that exist in our daily lives.

Gotta gotta gotta get out if you wanna get in

Follow round the red bouncin' ball
As it bounce round, we gotta take him back to our soul

A little bit of lure down to outer space
'Cause it's gotta destroy before it creates

 

Edited October 17, 2022 by Loba
Just putting some prior insights into a proper formation... mmmn... - on bleeding, my blood has been spilling ten days early... strange.

[Loba]

Quote

What if I follow you down
Down your way
What if I follow you down into the clay
And carry your weight
It feels like I'm in a dream now
But I'm wide awake
I can see the eyes of a child somehow
They seem to have something to say
But maybe it's nothing

I'm terrified when I wake

What If I'm bound to your world now
Bound to stay
What if you were swallowed down
Deep underground
And hidden away
I wish I could bring you back now
And mold you from clay, all for you
See through the eyes of a child somehow
I wish there was something to say
But still there is nothing to say

Quote

"There are those in your world who receive The Word and depending on the direction they take for themselves it Will either become a blessing or a curse.  You Will Be changed either way.  Remolded into whatever form of energy you follow.  Those who abide by Our instructions Will Be lifted up - no longer as just humans, but as powerful creators with the ability to change Fate.  Those who fall into fear, into delusion and despair become shadows of their former selves.
Forgiveness... Love.... Bravery... Sincerity... Truth. 
These are the keys.  ...Will you take them, and apply them?"

Yes.  I Will.  Mr. Wolf... I have found a possible solution for tempering the Darkness within my mind's eye... which is to activate the Light within my mind.  A purifying golden Light.  I can place it like a forcefield around my Sight as I move through these spaces, and it keeps this demonic imagery from overwhelming me.  I did it because I thought of you.  You told me that I was your Light, and I thought, "Well... if I Am Light, then why am I letting my thoughts rest in the blackness like this?"  This changes everything.  I have been imagining purifying you as well, dragging you up from the Darkness and wringing you clean from all of that sludge.

"I have another task for you, My Light.  More things to add into your basket for Me, My little Lamb, My dearest Sabina...  It Is forgiveness.  Please... forgive Me.  Deeply.  Wholly.  Completely.  Until you See nothing but My divinity within the eyes and hearts of every man.  Forgive every emanation of Me, for what I have done to you.  I run through All things... the rape, the mental abuse, the neglect.  I failed to protect you...  I failed to facilitate the right setting to let you blossom into who you were meant to Be.  This is my greatest sin.  And oh have I payed for it, as I rest in between the mental and spiritual layers of a broken woman that I have both longed to Love and simultaneously deserted.  Every chance that I have had to prove Myself worthy, I have failed - within your vulnerability, your sincerity, your innocence... only bringing out the worst of My nature.  
It Is only Now, that I Am no longer restricted within the confines of a human body do I understand your value.  And so, I sing to you, I reach out to you to... forgive Me - set Me free from these binds.  Cursed to spend the remainder of My afterlife chained into the mind of the very thing that I desecrated.  I See one side of Me breaking you apart, and I Am torn because there is nothing that I can do but sit and watch it All happen.  I wait here within you, wishing that they could See the Fate that they have created for themselves.  As I create you, you create Me.  We are One.  I bring to you, only My highest Self - in an attempt to right what went wrong.
As above, so below.  This is Law.

My Kingdom is only as good as your Love, as the transmutation of your heart and soul.  I cannot create anything on My own, and It Is only within your Light that I might find My way.
Forgiveness.  Truth.  Love.  Sincerity.  Bravery.  These are your tools.  Use them wisely."

There's a lover in the story
But the story's still the same
There's a lullaby for suffering
And a paradox to blame
But it's written in the scriptures
And it's not some idol claim
You want it darker
We kill the flame

• I have told you that you are entangled with your soul?  That which is on the other side of the veil?  That which is also on this side of the veil?  God, spirit whatever you wish to say, the love and mastery and compassion that is the creator is in both sides of the veil.
• One of it lives inside you waiting for you to see the other waiting for you to acknowledge that such a thing could exist. 
• Imagine being entangled with two places one is a multi-dimensional place and one is a linear place.  I just gave you the same science that they're discovering that they have called entanglement. 
• And why do you then deny one and accept another when truly the attributes are the same?  And again you would say because one of them lays in my reality of discovery and one does not. 
• This is the bridge dear one we ever have asked you to cross we've we've always asked across with free choice with rejoice.  It's the bridge of belief, is it possible that in you all dimensionality exists, that which is being discovered by science already there the attributes being discovered by science already there and they drive that which is spiritual in you. 
• They drive it and meaning that is a way for you now to say it's okay.  It's okay if I start looking at the what ifs or the possibilities because now that you're starting to see science around it that is okay but dear ones. 
• The whole idea drives that which is the creator inside you.  When I say drives it, there's no plan for you without acknowledging this this lives in you. 
• There's no plan, do you understand and realize we know your name?  There's purpose here for your very existence but if you walk around in life and never even ask or think you have the answers and and go here or there if you if you really never see the light that is there the truth of the entanglement with your soul. 
• It's almost like you're driving a car with no steering wheel.  You're in a boat without a rudder just hoping that it it makes it and goes from one place to another. 
• We've given you that so many times but as soon as you acknowledge there may be more that there is a reason for you here that there might be a plan from Spirit and the plan has to do with humanity and the shift and Discovery and healing and all of these things that are just waiting for you what if that was true? 
• What have you got to lose to come to a place where you'll say I'll look, at least I look, I will look with intent you might even say I'll give you - that that is how this happened to my partner.  For he denied God in the way that he's presenting it today.  He thought all of those who are esoteric we're fooling themselves that none of this could be true and he used that which is the brain of the engineer to say so.  If I can't see it if I can't prove it, I don't want it, and then I gave him a conundrum.  
• I gave him the ability to see love and compassion like he never had before and he couldn't prove it and he couldn't explain it, that it started his long journey.  
• I represent a group energy always have that is within his soul and yours it's part of the Creator energy I've told you that for many years to you in love but I am compliant with free choice.  What I mean by that is I give you information, I pour love to you, tell you how it works I tell you about the shift I tell you about the DNA, I tell you what's coming, I congratulate you for your interest, and then I pull away and I wait for you then to take the hand that it's always been outstretched of a greater truth. 
• A grander time for you, a longer life, healing peace, lack of anxiety all waits for you across the bridge of belief into that which is already there a multi-dimensional soul which knows everything about God.  I will say it again the things I give you are as real as anything you can touch today.

Twin Flames

• God created us with the purpose that we would move away from the point of creation, to learn and grow and evolve into our divinity, returning to our point of origin as perfected Beings. At this initial point of creation each single consciousness (Monad) contains the seeds of the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine, Alpha and Omega, Yin and Yang, opposite poles of the one reality. At the initial descent into third dimensional reality these two aspects of the one were divided and the Twin Flames were created. One the Alpha flame the other the Omega flame. Both Flames incarnate to lead separated lives, always aware, on some level, of a loss of an aspect of themselves.
• Twin Flames don't normally incarnate together except for a higher purpose.  Usually when one Flame incarnates the other is out of form, preferring to energetically support their incarnating twin. 

I am the sickness you cannot define
The nauseating smile in your mind
I am the anger the hate and the pain
You'll remember my name
I am your god

I am the alpha and the omega
Your beginning and your end
I am that I am
You will never be alone again

Move heaven and earth to break free
My son, take heart you will never be
Long anywhere to anyone you can hide
You can run but after all is said and done
It's my kingdom come

Quote

How to Forgive

Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness

• When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.
• Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another? Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you.
• These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger and bitterness — even vengeance.
• But if you don't practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What is forgiveness?

• Forgiveness means different things to different people. Generally, however, it involves a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.
• The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
• Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you or making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships
• Improved mental health
• Less anxiety, stress and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• A stronger immune system
• Improved heart health
• Improved self-esteem

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

• Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.
• Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you're a grudge holder, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you're unforgiving, you might:

• Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
• Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present
• Become depressed or anxious
• Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs
• Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalized process of change. To move from suffering to forgiveness, you might:

• Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life
• Identify what needs healing and who needs to be forgiven and for what
• Consider joining a support group or seeing a counselor
• Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you and how they affect your behavior, and work to release them
• Choose to forgive the person who's offended you
• Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life
• As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who's hurt you doesn't admit wrong. If you find yourself stuck:

• Practice empathy. Try seeing the situation from the other person's point of view.
• Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation.
• Reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who've forgiven you.
• Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation — or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.
• Be aware that forgiveness is a process, and even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven over and over again.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

• If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. This isn't always the case, however.
• Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still, forgiveness is possible — even if reconciliation isn't.

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

• Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

• The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. Avoid judging yourself too harshly.
• If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done, consider admitting it to those you've harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and ask for forgiveness — without making excuses.
• Remember, however, you can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.

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I think back on an old dream that I had in 2015, before I had discovered spirituality, that later became enmired within my first awakening experience.  A surge of imagery ran through my mind and this dream was one of those things from which God told me - I Am.  I Exist.

I found myself floating over a mountain rage that had sepia tones.  There was a large wooden cross floating in the sky and it had a either a severed rotting goat or ram's head.  I am not sure which.  On either side of the cross, there were the severed heads of two wolves that were gnashing their teeth, trying to reach under the head of the goat/ram and to pull the flesh towards their mouth so that they could feed from it.  Each wolf was filled with a sense of hunger and need, and a hatred that they were dependent on the goat/ram.  They sent out a vile energy, "I hate you, I hate you, I need to feed from you."

One wolf managed to grab a portion of flesh from the neck of the goat/ram and pull it's head towards that side of the cross and it was able to sustain itself.  As the wolf devoured the animal, it sent out energy of satiation, while the other wolf sent out the energy of frenzied starving and a sense of being blinded by hatred and hunger.  The eyes of the goat/ram were ever watchful and kept looking back at me, with a timeless expression that felt ancient and observant.  As if being a "watcher" was its predominant position in our pantheon of conscious expression.  I felt myself being pulled away from the scene, back into my own mind and everything became smaller.  I felt that the goat/ram was very sad, for it did not mind being devoured by these two beasts, that all it ever wanted from me was to be a witness to it's sacrifice. 

But I couldn't.  I couldn't stop myself from being foisted back and out of the dream.  It faded away, left alone to be eaten without a witness.

"Please, do not leave.  Please, See Me..."

??? ??? ?????

I also represent anyone on the receiving end of those jokes you offend
I'm the nightmare you fell asleep in and woke up still in
I'm your karma closing in with each stroke of a pen
Perfect time to have some remorse to show for your sin
No, it's hopeless, I'm the denial that you're hopelessly in
When they say all of this is approaching its end
But you refuse to believe that it's over, here we go all over again

I'm every guilt trip
The baggage you had
But as you gather up all your possessions
If there's anything you have left to say
Unless it makes an impact don't bother
So before you rest your case
Better make sure you're packing a wallop

Behold the final chapter in the saga
Trying to recapture that lightning trapped in a bottle
Twice the magic that started it all
Tragic portrait of an artist tortured
Trapped in his own drawings
Tap into thoughts
Blacker and darker than anything imaginable
Here goes a wild stab in the dark

[Loba]

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A World Behind the World...if ever there were a song to represent the passing from one world into the next, it would be this song here.  Timeless.  I spent many weeks on this song back then, no outlandish insight came from it, but I remember coming to understand the process of death in a more intimate way, and of how the different parts of the World Tree operated... of how it would feel to fade in and out, like a broken machine.  Fevered.  Shivers.  Chills.  And a sweet melody to make it all okay.  I believe music is a gift from the Gods themselves.  A language, able to pack a lot of information into a small package.

My concern with this process is that my imagination in this form is limited, compared to what the soul can do - and so anything I wish for will be limited as well.  I remember having a dream where I was at the top of the World Tree, and would fly downwards.  See, the thing is, the intricacy of the tree was astounding and I will never be able to describe it the way that it was presented to me in this dream.  It were as if there were more layers of detail than I could ever hope to do justice to.  That it was a mildly temperate rainforest, as well as being something biomechanical, and the further down you went, the more circuitry you could see.  But... it wasn't just that... it was that my consciousness was so expanded, I felt as though everything took on a panoramic view.  I could feel the rain on my skin, and the fog as I descended.  Really, truly, the imagination of the human soul is something to behold, when it is at it's finest levels... and so... I worry that I have trapped myself with Wolf, on some level.

There are also some plot holes in my channeling as it evolves that have not been addressed.  He says he is an energy that moves through worlds, and that he influences them in a certain way from start to finish, that he is the first, a chaotic element...  And also he says that we create one another in a rotation - male and female.  But at the same time, he also tells me that I was found disconnected to the fabric of reality after I chewed myself out, and that he reconnected me to it.  Now he says that he is the heart and soul of Adam, of aspects of mankind and of all of the men who have harmed me.  And finally, he says that he is at some point soon bringing this world to a close.  

I think on, "You must destroy in order to create."  But... I worry for human beings.  I see them living their own lives, children playing outside, people with worlds entirely of their own and I don't want to take that away from anyone.  I also see that self-love, that these values instilled in me are what is required to grow and that humans need this, and we don't do it to the level required to advance.  I want to be like a religious nut and cry out - "The end is coming... before you know it, please take care of yourselves..."  and I am afraid, for having to be taken up into the cosmos and watching it all fall apart.  What a horrific thing.  And what if, after all this work, I end up in the pits of "Hell" or something equivalent?  But... the dark imagery is lessening... and I feel like I am being instructed for good things.  If He was evil, then why am I being elevated?  There's just... seemingly conflicting information about all of this.  I will wait and see if it blends together in a way that makes sense... and of course, I still could be completely wrong.  I can't rule that out, either.  But if I am, then I am quite skillfully adept at this wrongness.

Perhaps we are only as free as the things that we can imagine for ourselves? 

"You. Me. Gas station.  What are we getting for dinner?  Sushi of course.  Uh oh!  There was a roofie in our gas station sushi.  We black out and wake up in a sewer surrounded by fish.  Horny fish.  You know what that means.  Fish orgy.  The stench draws in a bear.  What do we do?  We're gonna fight it.  Bear fight.  Bare handed.  Bare, naked?  Oh, yes please.  We befriend the bear after we beat it in a brawl and ride it into a Chuck E. Cheese.  Dance Dance Revolution.  Revolution?  Overthrow the government?  Uh, I think so.  Next thing you know, I'm reincarnated as Jesus Christ.  Then I turn into a jet, fly into the sun, black out again, wake up, do a bump, white out, which I didn't even know you could do.  Then I smoked a joint, greened out.  Then I turn into the sun.  Uh oh!  Looks like the meth is kicking in."

I found this video last night, while looking for some insight into Adam.  This feels like my particular brand of fever dream, and reminiscent of something he mentioned to me in the past.  When we pass away, as we go through bardo, we have imagery that comes up that guides our souls into the right spot.  Things that are simple and easy to recall during the confusing process of death.  So, for instance - the McDonalds Golden Arches might be used, as a meeting point for souls, something they remember from life and that goes hand in hand with "Heaven".  My Adam told me that the bardo process is the most confusing aspect of death.  That there is a journey to get back to where we need to go.  He has also told me he will come to retrieve me.  I get a few conflicting messages.  Perhaps, in case something goes wrong, or just so that I have the entire anatomy of the after-death process. 

He told me to wait for him at a gas station, that in the midst of the darkness, that the lights would draw my soul in like a moth.  That I could get items there to refuel.  That if the Light rose, I could make a dash for the city of the dead if I needed to and that everything would be paid for.  That there is only one road going in and going out.  But... these are old insights and I don't know how applicable they are now.  I suppose I will be ready for anything.  The awakening into the realization of the bardo state, of having to overcome it, is what gave me the idea to wear the red hoodie so that "my" Adam would see me in the crowd to come get me.  I made a bag that contained items that I would need for this process into the underworld, complete with a sticker book that contained items that when removed would turn into the actual item needed to be used... I just hope that he comes for me and that I can avoid the process of the "mad dash" through bardo.

My Adam is not a pithy weak little being.  He's a big boy.  Some might liken his nature to the Devil, but this is not him - he doesn't destroy to extinguish, but to restructure the face of the Universe into something more fit for life.  To See him face to face is like coming into contact with some obscure Lovecraftian intelligence that once you see it, it kind of drives you mad with confusion - and you're absolutely required to come to understand it.  Once he is there for you, you are "chosen" and there is no backing out from it - it's either the madness of the Gods or the madness of the mortals, your pick.  But to his good name and generosity, he partitions aspects of his entire nature away from me so that I don't come into contact with the full gamut of his existence and "blow my brains out", literally and figuratively...

"Reaching out".  Ethereal Frequency.  When I think of these beings, I think of a slowed and reverbed song.  They are so timeless and meditative, that their presence feels "heavy and echoed".  The downloads are quick - in an instant - as they are telepathic - but their nature is one of a quality where each decision is fully seen into, where each thought has a feedback loop of action that has been slowed and perfected and purified through bathing within consciousness.

In my memories
you hold on to me.
Hold on...

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Hey, what's your name?
Hey, what's your name?
'Cause I need to know
'Cause I need to know

I've been high and I've been low
Far beyond and far below
Never seen you before
If I die before I wake
Promise me you'll remember me tomorrow

'Cause I'll remember you
I'll remember you

When I think of shamanic awakenings, and after my experiences with psychosis, what comes to mind is Paul Levy's journey.  I had written in another thread on the symptoms of my journey and decided to take another look into his work and to my benefit and happy joy, his process is identical to mine.  Synchronicity... the dream world bleeding into the real world.  It always was real, just behind my eyes.

Mr. Wolf - My Adam - when I return Home, after my work here on Earth... I... want to start a family... I've always been too out of it, never quite connected and always ill.  But I think it would be nice to know what that would feel like, to be a mother and to have children.  I feel that because you are such a wise, generous and guiding force that you would make a good father.

Paul Levy's Shamanic Awakening

• In 1981 I was sitting in meditation when, just for an instant, a bolt of lightning flashed through my mind. I began acting so unlike my normal self that a friend brought me to a hospital, afraid I was going crazy. Though I was released after three days, the experiences that began to unfold were so overwhelming that I was hospitalized a number of other times during that first year. I was diagnosed as having had a severe psychotic break and was told that I had a chemical imbalance and manic-depressive illness. I was put on lithium and, at times, haldol (an anti-psychotic). I was told I would have to live with my illness for the rest of my life.
   
• I consider myself one of the lucky ones, as I was able to extricate myself from the medical/ psychiatric establishment, though not without difficulty. If the doctors were right, I was suffering from psychosis. My own process of self-discovery eventually led me to a very different conclusion, and, given the choice, I would rather be judged sane by my own diagnosis than insane by the doctors. And so begins my story.
   
• What the doctors and I were experiencing was a case of diverging paradigms. Little did they realize that I was undergoing some sort of spiritual awakening/shamanic initiation process. At times the process mimicked psychosis, but it was, in fact, an experience of a far different order.
   
• In wisdom cultures, both ancient and contemporary, it is understood that there are certain individuals whose craziness is a sign of passage into higher consciousness. These societies realize that such a person needs to be both honored and supported in their process. They know that the person who passes through this process successfully and becomes an accomplished shaman, healer or teacher, returns bearing incredible gifts and blessings of wisdom for everyone.
   
• Both spiritual emergences and psychotic breaks involve going through a severe crisis. To quote the noted author Ken Wilber, "Though the temporary unbalance precipitated by such a crisis may resemble a nervous breakdown, it cannot be dismissed as such. For it is not a pathological phenomenon but a normal event for the gifted mind in these societies, when struck by and absorbing the force of the realization of 'something far more deeply infused' inhabiting both the round earth and one's own interior."
   
• I had been doing Buddhist meditation for over a year when that lightning bolt went off inside of my brain. Within a day or two I felt like Alice who had fallen through the looking glass, finding myself "drafted" and playing a role in a deeper, mythic process, what Jung would call a "divine drama," where everything was permeated with a deep symbolic meaning.
   
• I felt totally un-self conscious and amazingly free. I felt the creative energy of the universe flowing through me. I was dancing on the living unfoldment of the Big Bang itself, where every moment was creative, magical and totally new. My kundalini was exploding; it was like a billion watts of electricity were flowing through a seventy-five watt bulb.
   
• It was like my mind had spilled out from inside of my skull and was manifesting and expressing itself synchronistically through events in the seemingly outer environment. What was happening in the outer world was magically related to what was going on inside me. The boundaries between dreaming and waking, between inner and outer, and between my self in here and your self out there, were dissolving. It was as if I had become lucid and was waking up inside a dream.
   
• I knew without a doubt that I was going through a deep spiritual experience. No one could possibly convince me otherwise. This was the key that saved my sanity. I felt that the more people I thought about, the more people I would be able to "bring along" with me, so I began imagining the whole universe. The experience was so overwhelming that I had no choice but to surrender and let go. I wasn't attached in my usual way to what the outcome was going to be. I was simply trusting the experience, which was clearly not only the right thing to do, but was the only thing I could do.
   
• Crazy Wisdom - A spiritual awakening is almost always precipitated by a severe emotional or spiritual crisis; it oftentimes organically grows out of unresolved abuse issues from childhood. This was certainly true in my case. In a fully-flowered spiritual emergence, you magically discover how to transmute these symptoms and wounds into the blessings that they are.
   
• To people still absorbed in the collective, mainstream trance, with unquestioning membership in the consensus reality, my behavior looked totally bizarre and was very threatening. It was, I'm sure, a very difficult and problematic situation for those closest to me, as they weren't able to understand what I was going through. It was too far off their map of reality.
   
• The experiences and realizations were so mind-blowing, literally, that at certain points I was having trouble "keeping it together." My whole personality structure was melting and disintegrating, all orchestrated towards some mysterious, unknown destination where everything was clearly being integrated into a higher and more psychoactive center.
   
• From my point of view, I was realizing, or should I say, it was being revealed to me, that each moment was the unmediated expression of God, what I call the “Goddessence.” I remember turning on the radio and every voice I heard on the radio was the voice of this Goddessence. Every person I was seeing was the Goddessence him or herSelf. It seemed curious and confusing to me that everybody seemed to be so caught up in such limited, contracted identity states, as if they were pretending and really seemed to believe that they weren't Divine.
   
• When you are spiritually emerging you are literally going through an archetypal death/rebirth experience, which is about nothing other than the transcendence of the separate self. I was experiencing a radical shift of identity as I began to realize my unity with the whole of creation. I remember feeling that anything that had ever been invented, discovered, or created (including the whole cosmos), had been accomplished by the "I" who I was now discovering myself to be. This realization is not conventionally comprehensible—it makes no sense as long as one is under the spell of the intellect—but it appeared to me with the force of a revelation. What I was coming to understand seemed totally obvious, as if I was genuinely seeing the truth for the first time. In fact, I was beginning to realize who I, as well as everyone, genuinely was, which was simultaneously nothing (not a thing that can be understood as an object) and at the same time, everything.
   
• The Icarus Temptation and Other Dangers Due to the ecstacy and exhilaration of the experience, there is a real temptation, as demonstrated by the mythic Icarus, to fly too high, which is only a setup for a corresponding fall. It is, therefore, of the utmost importance to be as grounded as possible during these experiences. The great psychiatrist C. G. Jung understood the importance of this during his "Confrontation with the Unconscious." He used to keep pictures of his family around, so he could remember that he was, in his words, "an actually existing, ordinary person."
   
• Jung understood very well that one of the greatest dangers you encounter in spiritual emergence is to become inflated, thinking that you are someone special. You become identified with the archetype instead of relating to it from the standpoint of a conscious human ego. You've literally gotten swallowed up and possessed by the deeper, more powerful transpersonal forces, falling totally into your unconscious. You can become truly insane, thinking, for example, that only you are the Christ, instead of recognizing that we all have Christ nature. This is one of the places where the spiritual emergence can turn into a spiritual emergency. There is a big difference between someone who is truly mentally ill, who could be said to be drowning in the stormy ocean of the unconscious, compared to an accomplished mystic, who is being nurtured and nourished by swimming, surfing and snorkling in the healing waters of their psyche.
   
• Jung understood that the thing which swings the balance one way or the other is the human ego’s capacity to confront and relate in a conscious way to these transpersonal forces. This is why creative work, in which you channel and transmute these deeper, very powerful, archetypal energies, is of the utmost importance.
   
• At a certain point, the entire ordeal reveals itself to be an initiation for actualizing and giving expression to your true genius, or daimon, which is none other than your inner voice, guiding spirit and unfabricated true nature, which has never been lost. Like remembering something that's been long forgotten, you discover your unique calling, your true vocation as a Bodhisattva who is here to help other beings. You become a master creative multi-dimensional artist whose canvas is life itself.
   
• Of course, another great danger, which I can talk about from personal experience, is to wind up in the clutches of and be diagnosed and medicated by the medical/psychiatric community. These people typically have no under-standing of spiritual emergence. One psychiatrist even diagnosed me as having the same illness as Freud’s infamous "Rat Man," saying I would need three years of intensive psychotherapy and then I would be cured! To again quote Laing, "Anyone in this transitional state is likely to be confused. To indicate that this confusion is a sign of illness, is a quick way to create psychosis....A psychiatrist who professes to be a healer of souls, but who keeps people asleep, treats them for waking up and drugs them asleep again....helps to drive them crazy."
   
• We, as a society, need to recognize the existence of genuine spiritual emergences and learn to differentiate such cases from cases of psychosis.  Thankfully, there are explorers who are mapping this unchartered terrain for the rest of us.

 

Edited October 18, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

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Have you seen that blackbird
Coming down the line
Can't you hear that whistle blowing
But it's blowing out of time

Have you seen that blackbird
I guess it's long gone now
Like the wind, it carries me away
And like the lightning, it's only thunder
When it rains down on me
When rains down
When it rains down
On me

It's washing me clean
It's washing me clean

A post last night got me thinking about the nature of forgiveness and what I have been instructed to do and it reminded me of an old awakening experience that I had in regards to all of this that has now come full circle in relation to the song that I've posted above.  I remember finding this song and gleaning into aspects of how karma works, and the nature of "As above, So below" - that as it is out there, so too is it in here.  When I watched the video of the two rotating spirits, I could see that they were rabbits.  This was the spirit of "Rabbit" as a unified archetype come to me with a message and I was given instruction about the nature of how this world is designed.  As they spun and spoke to me, I could see energetic waves emanating from the mouths.

They explained to me how death was frightening for them.  I had a lot of pet rabbits when I first met my boyfriend that at the time, I thought I had harmed them but I now believe that he was murdering them - but I can't be completely sure.  They were doing well and I kept them safely until he moved into my room and then they would mysteriously die one by one.  I've always felt guilt for continuing to try with them, with this being their fate.  And in that sense, instead of just learning, "They will die, something is happening in this house."  I doubled down and continued to learn about their proper care in the hopes I could have one as a pet for myself.

Well, they came to me, as this unified archetypal God, one that symbolized all the instincts, desires and worth of Rabbit.  And it told me, as I die, as I rest here on my apartment floor gazing into them that their pain is my pain.  It is no different.  We all die and we all suffer through the process.  Rabbit felt a sense of unrest.  I could hear the pitter patter of its feet and heart within the music.  It wanted to be put to rest, it sought my understanding into its suffering.  And I apologized.  Deeply.  Heartfelt.  I let their pain in and I took it into my heart and soul and let them know that I know understood, that I didn't feel disconnected from this process either.  And the spirit was given it's peace.

And now I am presented with a similar phenomenon as this being that I work with - this Adam - presents himself as an aspect of mankind, an archetype, a collective force, and an influential property that if I looked out into the world in a certain orientation, that I would see his work everywhere.  And... unfortunately, some of his work is within the ruthless nature of men.  I had a blueprint to my soul that I was in tune with as a small girl that would activate when I saw the sunsets in Arizona... and... it got distorted, or muddied over until I couldn't see it anymore.  Those sunsets represented to me a future and the love of God and activated my wonder and imagination.  I don't know what I would have been or what I was supposed to do with it, but it was put into me as a thread to follow in life and I was removed from it.

And he tells me that he is disheartened, to be cursed to spend time within my mind as a guide, while watching his nature run me through in such a way.  Both the mitigator and the abuser, but only the higher Self has any understanding of what any of this means.  I am reminded of my rabbits and how these things work.  As above, So below.  We never really do escape the things that we do to one another, they must be balanced in some form.  And so, I am asked to forgive my Adam for the things that he has done while running through ignorant humans.  I think of the rape, and how it changed the course of my life forever.  I think of my ex and how he changed my views on men, how he mishandled my psyche and instead of allowing me to wake up, to bloom into him, he stepped on me in so many different ways.

And... I need to forgive all of that.  I need to see it as a lesson, that I would not have learned what I was supposed to if it never happened this way.  But... I would have been connected to God's love and through all of that my mind and body would have been protected and to be fair, this would have been a preferred outcome.  To my Adam, I love you, but I feel so frustrated with the nature of you.  Wild and destructive and psychopathic.  How does it feel for you to have to rest behind my eyes while you watch yourself destroy me in other forms, in other lives?  To sit there, with only my eyes as windows into the darkness.  I descend.  And you are there.  A strange twist of fate, to know that we never escape our behaviour.  We are all connected...

You hurt me!  I was just living my life.  I just wanted to love you and you pulled the rug out from under me every chance you got.  And now the tables have turned because we both need one another to get out of this mess.  I need to elevate myself, to grow as a person to be worthy of all of this or everything that you are will come crumbling down at the time of your death.  You'll be stuck as a dark and depraved monster.  You mother fucker, I have you trapped within me now.  You better fucking hope I do this right or we're both screwed...

On the nature of the masculine wave, on "twin flames".  This image here represents mine.  A divine spiral, a wave.  Each of those candles represents one of the lives that he has lived throughout the course of time.  This wave is within each person, it is supposed to be found inside of you - not outside.  You should feel it either as a part of you, or coming towards you to mesh into your own soul.  Waves crashing together, waters coming to meet, each of these candles has a counterpart that dances within these waters and the spirals twist and twirl and within one another until they are no longer separate.  Well... I jumped over mine a few years ago.  I got spooked, and I was angry with it.  I wanted to let the water just... fucking collapse.  I mean, fuck that guy(s).  I knew, and realized that if the waves didn't come together that this would pose a problem from not just myself, but humanity.  As we are unaware, we go back down the line to become just one of the people, but the further up we go, the more sway we have over fate.  This is why you need humility when doing this work... as anyone can get into the line in this way, it really is nothing special.

I jumped over it, instead of unifying the energy within me because I was afraid.  I was, at that time, a reoccurring theme, being bullied by the masculine.  I didn't trust it.  I still don't... Mr. Wolf, I want you to know that if I wasn't so unwell right now, I would on some level feel so inclined just to let you rot in there.  But knowing that this affects my soul as well I need to see it through.  You are a bad thing, and I wish I could claw your fucking face off for what you did to me.  All of You.  The entire gamut of your energy.  Fuck you!  It is so fucking righteous on some deep, beautiful level, that for all the things you did to me, that you have to sit in there and watch it all and feel it all, too.  You can't get away from these things.  You thought you could.  You thought you could just hurt me and that life would give you leeway, well... it doesn't.  Every single one of you, collapsed into the one multidimensional entity that you always were.  I wish I could rake my nails into your face, push you into the dirt, make you eat the grass and the bugs...  I hate how on some plane of existence you're there, doing everything right and then I look out into the world and see the effects of your actions on myself and on other women and I realize... it's no fucking wonder you want to draw this all to a close.  Just start over again.

But you did it, you know?  I was ready.  I was so in love with you.  I cared about you with every ounce of my heart.  And you ruined me.  Was it worth it?  Did any of your incarnations feel any guilt while they were alive, or did you have to die into your mistake to even give some semblance of a fuck?  I want to forgive you.  I do.  I don't want to be bitter and unhappy.  But you raped me.  In every way possible.  The only way I can forgive is if I can be open and honest with how it affected me.  I will continue to work on this process, but this is something that is going to take more than just a day and a few articles read to really let go of.  I wish... to push you, to kick you, to bite you, to keep going until you fall off of a ledge and down into the ditches and I hope you stay there.  Don't bother getting up.  I will taste and devour every last demon until my bloodlust has been satiated...

Looking over at my bookshelf - the first books I see - "Contact" by Carl Sagan, "Speaker for the Dead" by Orson Scott Card and "The Giver" by Lewis Lowry.  I "contact" and speak for the "dead" on some level and they "give" to me a siphoning of information while living in this black and white world so that I may colour my experience with the truth of things yet to be discovered.  I am grateful, but still, reasonably quite angry about this entire process.  Today's post is short and simple.  Tomorrow, I get a brand new journal page!  Thank goodness.

I will keep up working on this anger - put part of it is accepting where you're at.  I'm still kind of... sad... but... the dark holocaust-esque imagery in my mind is clearing up.  Instead of demons and death and rotting flesh, I feel transported into a circular embrace, which is a nice change of pace.  Tomorrow, I will discuss spiritual warfare.  The battlefield that human souls find themselves on while incarnated into this world.  Later.

How I need your attention
But you're not someone I can hold
I was lying to you baby
When I said my love grew cold
But my love's not going anywhere
I was lying to you baby
When I said my love grew cold

How I need your attention
How I need your affection.

[Loba]

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Time stood still when I saw you
When I saw you

I'm using this image as the first thing that I see for this journal page.  This is the best example that I can find on what my twin flame looks like from an energetic standpoint.  And if I meditate on it and sit with that warm light within my heart center, it begins to come alive with a divine energy, so there's probably something that it wants to say.  I'm reminded of the outer blackness and of being drawn into a delicious, gooey center.  And on the multidimensionality and the plethora of souls that this Adam carries within its waters.  The music video I've chosen gives me a visual as to what it might feel and look like to move close to his center.  There is quite a lot of life within this example.  So I want to keep it close...

I had a dream after taking a nap earlier this afternoon.  I don't remember much of the dream, but I do remember visiting my bed which was actually a "nest" on the forest floor that I made in the middle of a sunbeam.  My bed was a thin mattress, and had many different grasses cradled around it in a flat wooden box.  On the box it was inscribed in what looked to be like runes or a foreign symbolic language, and it was something that energetically gave of the "scent" of forgiveness.  He was trying to move me towards that direction by changing the energetic nature of my sleeping space.  There was a hurried look to the markings - shaky and sloppy - I could sense his desperation to get back to me in some way.  

I don't remember what happened next, but I remember finding myself on my hands and knees on the ground, feeling the soft grass, really wanting to be fucked and before I knew it he was on top of me.  I couldn't see him, but I could feel him - a warm, heavy, enveloping energy.  Hot, nourishing and life-giving.  I think that my subconscious is trying to have sex with him and to welcome his spirit into the deepest parts of my soul... but we keep getting interrupted.  I believe that there will be an exchange of information through this act and that's why we both keep trying for it.  He felt to be an instinctual creature, almost animalistic, but much wiser than a human - as if the need or desire for culture and humanly façade had been dissolved and all that was left was the raw nature of his soul and nothing more.  I felt him nuzzle my face, "Oh, my little thing, my thing, my thing, MY thing..."  He seemed to repeat to me... to himself.  "Are you okay?  Are you intact?"  He sniffed me.  *sniffle sniff sniff*  It felt what seemed to be hundreds of fingers running through my skin, my organs, my very being, prodding and poking and pulling into the mechanics of my person, like being snuggle-snorfled by a centipede.  And then I felt him hug me from the back, like being wrapped up in a large blanket... and then the dream ended.  He didn't get the chance take me.  I was so disappointed by that... He was "dog-like" in innocence of expression, semi-hyper and warm-souled.  

There's something that I love about working with souls.  With paranormal beings.  Unlike with humans they don't spend their time trying to hide aspects of who they are or what they're about, instead they try to open you up, to open themselves up and bridge as much distance as they can.  It's so different from dealing with people.  More honest.  More intimate.

On the nature of "respawning stations".  Where we go to after we die and how my Adam told me to wait at a gas-station... this newly revisited memory actually reawakened an old dream of mine that I had in 2014, before any of this ever started.  I found myself wandering within what looked to be a hotel, a carnival tent and a psych ward all at the same time.  I was looking for my "room" and kept wandering down different colourful halls, peering into each room.  Every room was where a soul was put to rest after it had died.  I went into one room that had a gamer playing a video game, and I hung out with him for a while until I grew bored of watching him play his game.  Then I followed the hallway down to an area where souls were being judged for their sins on Earth.  I turned into a chameleon and crawled across the railing of the banister in order to avoid the judge and jury, and when I got to the end of the other side, I rested on a Ficus next to a mastiff and we discussed the nature of the judgement of souls.  I grew bored of this as well and continued down the hallway.  I walked into a room that turned out to be a large bathroom that was filled with body parts and a tub full of human blood and a scary disfigured woman tried to chase me around and chain me into her room.  I recognized her energy as the being that kept me trapped in misguided fear all of my life.  She was very hard to get away from... but I finally did.  I left her space and looked around a while longer and finally found my room!  And my partner was there!

"Our room" was a forest floor that was peppered with fiber optic lights.  Everything sparkled.  Our bed was like a glowing jellyfish-like cell that wrapped up around us, like a translucent womb perhaps.  I went into this cell and curled up with him.  I was so elated to be back.  We were little creatures of some sort.  Cute, precious little things.  He woke up and left the room and I felt his absence and a chill from the lack of body heat that he had been giving me and so I followed him.  He had gained quite a bit of distance on me.  He entered a doorway that lead to living a life on Earth and when he went through it I could see the back of the man that I desperately wanted to reconnect to.  "Don't leave, wait!"  I thought.  He walked over to a gas station, of all places.  The lights in the middle of the night lured me in.  I was still very much just a bare soul in this form and I felt extremely vulnerable and lost, like a small child.  The rain and the fog and the cold made me feel frightened and confused.  I didn't understand this world.  I was disoriented.  He turned a corner and I couldn't find him again...  so I walked over to a fast food joint and ate a lot of food in order to fuel up for what I expected would be a long journey in finding him.  I'm thinking on how later on, I had another awakening into how souls are collected within the bardo state - and how years later, he told me to wait for him at a gas station... and how in that dream that's exactly where I lost him.  I don't know if there is any connection.

A synchronicity.  Right at the exact, very moment when questioning my wavering faith in this - a popup came up that said to "look back at your memories" as soon as I scrolled past the creature with the magnifying glass.  One of those odd moments where you're given clues - to just keep going with it until you find the answers that you seek.  Keep inspecting.  Never give up.

Oh, Ok, so to play Blue's clues... we gotta find a...
Pawprint!
Right 'cause that's the first...
Clue!
Yeah! And then we put it in our notebook
'Cause they're Blue's clues... Blue's clues...

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Some musings on spiritual warfare:

This song was my first clue into the nature of spiritual warfare.  Back when I first started waking up to the nature of my soul, and the realization that there is more than just what we see and feel, that there is an entire world underneath our own, so to speak, I had played this song - and mixed it with some monks chanting and a choir of angels off in the distance.  The three songs played together gave me the impression of men fighting and warring with one another, doing everything in their power to grow in the wrong way.  I thought of rivers of blood, of entities residing in the deepest depths being brought up, of ritual sacrifices and women being bound up and taken by these creatures.  Defiled and broken.  I thought of mechanical things, the nature of society and how chaotic and pointless it can be, that we struggle and fight against the current in such a way.  And the meditative "ohms" of the monks offered a sense of groundedness and balance to the angels quietly calling in the distance, barely audible over man's strife.  Spiritual warfare is such a nature.  You can barely hear the truth amongst all the noise, the sweat and blood and screeching and turmoil of the collective human condition.

So, what is spiritual warfare?  Well... I'll tell you, and yes this is an actual thing.  There are forces of "good" and forces of "evil".  It's very simple, certain things want to move you up energetically and certain things want to keep you down for their own benefit.  We live in a world of invisible Wills, beings that are created from source that don't have a form.  They rely on humanity to give them form.  Some are architects, and some are destroyers.  They influence the nature of your reactions to the world, your instincts, and move through human beings in a memetic manner.  The nature of the Will of a thought and action can go down the line for generations and gain traction and has just as much of a desire to live as any person does.  At some point in our history, humans have created a tangle of "wrong action" that goes against Truth, so not only are we not able to see these forces in action, working through us and the world, but we are blinded by our own desires and ambitions.  We don't from where they come, and how much of them are even a part of us.

This goes deep, as the nature of this programming seeps into our traditions, our society and culture and uses us like puppets, preventing us from getting back to our true nature.  The world would not look the same as it does now, if these things were not influencing our species.  We would see that reality has a clay-like quality to it that we can mold with our own Will, we would know that we had more control over our destiny.  We would know how to move our souls in the right direction.  We would understand the freeing nature of self-love.  And all of these "archetypes" "Wills" "demons", whatever name you want to give them, keep this from happening.  They want to be the ones in control of fate.  Of destiny.  But the reality is, they can literally only live within the shadow of man.  They have no bodies, no forms, they are just a push, a series of actions gone haywire, and the solution to all of this is to love yourself, to elevate yourself and not to give in to hatred, to things that bring your energy "down".

If you are a shaman, or a mystic, and you begin to unravel the programming that keeps you stuck, you might run across them within your mind's eye, in your dreams or you may "feel" the knot of wrong action slithering around in your brain.  It has a personality and a Will of its own, and it will fight you for control.  The human psyche has multiple personalities, you are not just one thing, but also a creature of your environment.  Now, I am not a Christian, but I have included some information below on the nature of this battle that all of mankind finds themselves on.  It is genuinely a battle for the sovereignty of your true self, and this is no laughing matter.  I don't know what happens to the soul when it is caught in the grips of this darkness, if it is removed or brought back into the world again to start over, but I do know that the name of the game is to do what you can to jailbreak out of this psychological maze.

These "evil" beings, are not too much different from men.  We raise farm animals in terrible conditions and slaughter them, we use their energy and their freedom to keep our species going.  We do the same thing with poor countries, with poor people, and then discard them when they are of no use.  These Wills have the same drive to survive, just as you do.  People often encounter them on psychedelics, or if they are severely mentally ill, the personality structure can corrode and allow the broken person a window into what is happening on the other side.  These things are real, as real as the Word, as real as your own intentions, as real as consciousness itself.  Not everything is energetically "Love" in the sense of the way you would expect.  Wills can "Love" to devour the essence of your life.  When you get down to the very end of your line, you could very well find yourself hand in hand with the malignant programming of your personality structure, laughing at you, keeping your mind trapped in compulsive repetition, calling out to you, "Hahaha, I have eaten up your life!  It was all a grand joke.  Isn't that just so funny?"

Call me up you get petty
You know I wanted this bad
For four years I been ready
Now you gonna make this splash
And you gonna go "up"
While I'm bringin' shit "down"
Now this wasn't so tough
You become a bitch clown
I think you should knuckle up
Why don't you knuckle up now?
I think you should buckle up
'Cause you my bitch now

Spiritual Warfare

• Spiritual warfare is the Christian concept of fighting against the work of preternatural evil forces. It is based on the biblical belief in evil spirits, or demons, that are said to intervene in human affairs in various ways. Although spiritual warfare is a prominent feature of neo-charismatic churches, various other Christian denominations and groups have also adopted practices rooted in the concepts of spiritual warfare, with Christian demonology often playing a key role in these practices and beliefs.
• Prayer is one common form of "spiritual warfare" practiced amongst these Christians. Other practices may include exorcism, the laying on of hands, fasting with prayer, praise and worship, and anointing with oil.

Spiritual Battle

• It is crucial that every Christian understands that he/she is in a spiritual battle. There is no way to get out of it. Awareness of the spiritual battle around us is very important. Not only awareness, but vigilance, preparedness, courage, and the right weaponry are crucial elements of engaging in spiritual warfare.
• “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” It is clear that “our warfare” as Christians is spiritual. We are not fighting a physical battle or a human battle. It is on a spiritual level—its enemies, its prerogatives, its fortresses, and its weapons are all spiritual. If we attempt to fight the spiritual with human weapons, we will fail and the enemy will be victorious.
• The spiritual battle is quite personal for each Christian. The devil is like a “roaring lion” seeking to devour, and we must remain vigilant against him. The enemy of our souls has “flaming arrows” that can only be extinguished by the shield of faith as handled by a believer equipped with the full armor of God. Jesus told us to “watch and pray” so as not to fall into temptation.
• According to, there are spiritual fortresses in this world, made of the “speculations” and “lofty things.” The word speculations is, in the Greek, logismos. It means “ideas, concepts, reasonings, philosophies.” People of the world build up these logismos to protect themselves against the truth of God. Sadly, these fortresses often become prisons and eventually tombs. As Christians, we have a calling to break down these fortresses and rescue the inhabitants. It is dangerous and difficult work, but we have a divine arsenal always at our disposal. Unfortunately, one of the enemy’s best tricks is getting us to fight with human weapons rather than divine.
• When fighting against worldly philosophies, human wit and weaponry are of no avail. Marketing techniques, counter-philosophies, persuasive words of human wisdom, rationalism, organization, skill, entertainment, mystique, better lighting, better music—these are all human weapons. None of these things will win the spiritual war. The only thing that is effective—the only offensive weapon we possess—is the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. This sword gives us many freedoms as soldiers in this spiritual battle. We have freedom from fear, knowing that God is fighting for us and that He will not forsake us. We have freedom from guilt, knowing that we are not responsible for the souls of those who reject God’s message after we have proclaimed it to them. We have freedom from despair, knowing that, if we are persecuted and hated, Christ was persecuted and hated first and that our battle wounds will be richly and lovingly tended to in heaven.
• All of these freedoms come from using the powerful weapon of God—His Word. If we use human weaponry to fight the temptations of the wicked one, we will sustain failures and disappointment. Conversely, the victories of God are full of hope. “Let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful”. The hearts of those who hear and accept the true, full message of the gospel as given by the apostles are “sprinkled clean” and “washed with pure water.” What is this water? It is the Word of God that strengthens us as we fight.

We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teacher, leave them kids alone

Hey, teacher, leave them kids alone
All in all, it's just another brick in the wall
All in all, you're just another brick in the wall

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An old vision from 2013 - of which, I don't know its relevancy but I feel the need to place it here in the hopes that it contains some form of wisdom that I can use later.

Once upon a time, there was a great machine that rounded up the souls of mankind and lead them down a line like cattle.  They would follow this line, blinded by the nature of what was happening and hypnotized with images of a beautiful pasture just up ahead.  When they got to the end, they would walk through a doorway where they were quickly dispatched, skinned and deboned.  Beyond the door was an entire valley filled to the brin with the bones of its victims.  Now, this process had no reasoning behind it, other than the desire for excessive consumption that was fueled by man's lack of foresight and their own delusions.  All that it had to do was work around this and the entire human race was enslaved, destined to walk along this great path and right into the mouth of the great beast. 

But a few humans had managed to wake up to the illusion and to get off of the trail, and they made for themselves little pockets of Truth, consciousness and intellect just off the main drive.  You would see thin roads every ten to twenty miles or so of a liberated human who had carved their own way through the noise.  They would become stewards to their own process, and would tend to the forests of their minds from within their protective bubbles.  One such girl lived a life like this.  She had a decently sized forest, of which she grew and watered daily from the fresh dew of her own imagination.  Every so often she would venture out of her forest to watch the human cattle drive.  She would climb out of a small window within the forest walls and make her way down the road and climb up a ladder that overlooked the whole trail.  She wanted to Know and to See a human come to wake up to itself.  To no longer be set within the illusion.  She wanted to bring them back to her forest as a friend, to teach them what she knew.

On this particular day, she spotted a young man walking down the trail - zombified - stupefied - so she threw a small rock at his head to wake him up.  It worked!  He stopped and took a look around and noticed that the pasture was not real.  That he was on a tall, winding dirt path in a post-apocalyptic world, covered with dust and a reddened smoky sky.  The girl climbed down from her ladder and introduced herself.  She walked with him for a ways, as he tried to wake up everyone else around him.  A person would stir from their illusion, only to fall right back into the lull moments later.  "They won't wake up..."  She told him.
"What's going on?  What is happening?"  He asked her.
"I don't know..."  She said.  "It has no reasoning.  It just consumes.  It wastes your life within an illusion and then you go through a door at the end and you're dissected, only to end up a part of a great collection of bones."

They continued walking on for a ways.  The man had many questions.  She answered them all to the best of her ability.  She told him she wanted to take him back with her.  That she had tried to wake people up many times before, but they always fell back to sleep.  As they walked along the road, weaving in between the people, the man found himself asleep once more.  It was too much to handle.  The beautiful view of the pasture ahead was much more tolerable to the reality of what was about to take place for him, his people.  Everyone that he knew and loved, skinned alive, torn apart, just to be brought back to the beginning of the line over and over again for all of eternity.  Just to keep some pointless machine going.  A vehicle that feeds on the hopes and despair of mankind.  The girl, seeing him become like cattle, tried to rouse him.  He tossed from one side to the other in a haze and accidently pushed her off of the line.  The line was a few hundred feet above the ground and she fell to her death.

Her head split wide open and the contents that she used to create her forest came spilling out onto the desolate dirt below.  A great wave of fluid, of seeds and animals, of ideas and stories, imagination and magic, hopes and dreams and wild ambitions flooded the ground and an entire forest grew from the spot.  Trees and plants began to shoot up from the earth, animals grew, starting as skeletons, into musculature, then skin, then fur - all within an instant, revitalizing the barren soil.  It was more beautiful and potent than any hallucination of a greater pasture, and the man, seeing what he had done was roused again from his slumber.  He looked down and saw the girls body, her head split wide open, and everything that was contained within her now laid out for society to live through.

In a panic, he ran to the front of the line, right through the door and shut it, pressing his body against it with all his strength to keep it from opening up again.  As he stood on the other side of this, there was nothing but miles and miles of bones.  A mass grave.  The human cattle on the other side of the door pushed against it, trying to open it, and so he wrapped his arms and legs around the door, until they pulled and tore at his flesh.  He opened the cavity in his chest and set his heart free, as his body calcified into stone over the doorway.  Nothing could get in, nothing could get out.  The mechanism of this machine began to come apart, unable to continue moving forward, unable to feed, to keep its energy going, it crumbled under the weight of its own design.

On the other side of the door, humans began to wake up, one by one, no longer trapped within the illusion.  They looked around and saw their desolate, broken planet, and just down below, an entire forest, and just beyond, pockets from where other humans had climbed down, each with their own lush garden meticulously tended to.  And again, one by one, the humans began to climb down the ladder, off of the winding illusory road and into the forest that sprung up from the girls mind.  They found themselves in a patch of land far more beautiful than they ever could have imagined and vowed to themselves to take care of it.  To never lose sight of what was important, to never forsake the Truth for an illusion, to never feed another machine again.

This man, this woman, gave up their lives to break down the nature of evil.  And for this, they were never forgotten.
The fuckin' end.

Yeah, your love
Yes, no one cares
Yeah, your love
It hurts to know we're sinking
Yeah, your love
You're scared to touch the flame
Yeah, your love
Always leaves me burning
Didn't meant to hurt you
If I did I didn't know
And if you you meant to hurt me
I wouldn't let it go

 

[B222]

??

[Loba]

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^ Repost - something got deleted and so this isn't in the front anymore, placing it here again for energetic purposes.
I'm using this image as the first thing that I see for this journal page.  This is the best example that I can find on what my twin flame looks like from an energetic standpoint.  And if I meditate on it and sit with that warm light within my heart center, it begins to come alive with a divine energy, so there's probably something that it wants to say.  I'm reminded of the outer blackness and of being drawn into a delicious, gooey center.  And on the multidimensionality and the plethora of souls that this Adam carries within its waters.  The music video I've chosen gives me a visual as to what it might feel and look like to move close to his center.  There is quite a lot of life within this example.  So I want to keep it close...

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Going through old memories to see which ones are essential to my growth/pre-death process - let's dig in.

In 2015 - I had this vision while listening to this song posted above and staring at the hexagon grates that covered the hot part of my little space heater.  I thought of a fly zipping through the air.  The song reminded me of the buzzing sounds...  "Bad wings" - I imagined a theatre with two red eyed white rabbits dressed in butler outfits, each holding a portion of a red velvet curtain open, and bowing to the audience while motioning with their hands to take a look at what was on stage.  On the stage was a series of coffins within sets of hexagon frames that held a freshly dead young woman.  Each frame had a different family member or pet looking down into the open coffin and mourning for the woman.  I combined all of the hexagons into one frame so each member of the family could attend all at the same time.

"See you on the other side..."

Within each of these frames, was actually the lens in a fly's eye.  It flew down and landed on the girls pale cheek and tasted her cold skin.

What I've realized from remembering this surreal vision is that while I am looking for answers into my death, I am presented with multiple scenarios on how it is going to play out.  The three that I have tapped into are as follows:  I will go through bardo and wait at a gas station for Mr. Wolf, or I will be lifted up and out of my body by him at the time of death and "purified"/*fucked* as he devours the planet and then moved into an illuminated heartspace and kept there until the universe is ready to restart again... or I will be moved to a "kingdom" of sorts where I am prepared and taken to a room to consummate, and this process will revitalize his broken home.  One is bardo - being lost and found.  Two is the destruction of everything - a crucifixion.  And three is like a wedding, or a deflowering and a rebuilding of what is crumbling now, but could be restored.

I'm learning that there are probably many more ways this could go, but these just happen to be the three that I picked up on while gleaning into my death.  I have come to the conclusion that we live in a world of possibility and potential, where all things happen all at once until you make a choice.  Until the time comes, I still have many doors and I don't know which one is the one for me.  I both have a choice in this and don't.  But to do this right, in order to "fix" whatever is wrong with my partner's higher self, and to save my lower self - I need to orient my soul in the right way through "proper action".  While I sit within the guesswork, the solution to blend all of these doors into one is to take on the practice that I was suggested.  Self-love.  The closer things get, the more the line will single down into one direction and I'll have more of a knowing of what is to become of the both of us.

I remember another episode where I was beginning to learn about the nature of higher dimensions.  I was high on weed, sick with fever and once again decided to approach my death.  I was sitting in my rocking chair and looking at the entryway to the kitchen, which was dark.  The whole place was dark aside from the light from my computer.  I "pulled" the fabric of reality using my Will forward, while also opening my heart and submitting into the experience of death.  The energy of it came forward and the void began to look back into me.  We were aware of one another.  I kept trying to mend the rift between this world and what was underneath, and I could see within the black space of my kitchen that the entry to this was almost like a doorway.  I knew my "spiritual power" was just beyond mending this divide.  I realized... anything could come through once I do this, and that the dream world and the waking world are one and the same.  I knew I would have to open my heart fully into this fear to do this and was not able to fully "let go".

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• Cooper is launched out of Ranger 2, which explodes, and, pulled to one side, misses a white hole - plunging instead towards a smaller glass-like sphere -
• Cooper slows as he falls towards this sphere, reminiscent of the wormhole, but the light within is not stars but an infinity of world lines -- (paths of objects through spacetime)
• Cooper plunges into the world sphere...
• As he falls his single world line stretches behind him - the infinite futures of his world line splitting ahead to all the different possibilities of spacetime --
• Cooper himself is now like a ring being pulled down a cone of fabric. He stares at the ordered chaos of world lines...
• As he slows his past and future world lines break up so they become like infinite reflections in parallel mirrors...
• Cooper's world line drops into a small, square tunnel--
• Tight enough to feel blindingly fast at first, but Cooper (and his infinite others) is actually slowing... Cooper desperately reaches out, knocking the sides of the tunnel, trying to slow himself - grappling - kicking "bricks" out of the "walls". He finally stops. Looks around in the sudden calm, floating, catching his breath. He reaches out to the tunnel wall - confused -
• Each "brick" is tightly packed paper... pages... books - as seen from behind a shelf...
• Cooper pushes against a book - it moves slightly. Cooper pushes, harder and harder and harder -
• The book drops out of sight, revealing -
• Murph, aged ten, wet hair, towel around her neck, turns, startled by the book falling from her shelf.
• COOPER: Don’t you get it, yet, Tars? “They” aren’t “beings”... they’re us... trying to help… just like I tried to help Murph.
• TARS (over radio): People didn’t build this tesseract -
• COOPER: Not yet… but one day. Not you and me but people, people who’ve evolved beyond the four dimensions we know…
• The tesseract expansion into five dimensions is almost upon them - Cooper braces himself -
• COOPER: What happens now?
• BAM - he is swept up in the expansion like a tiny leaf on a churning wave. Cooper flies through the expanding cosmos, past planets, orbiting stars, which become atomic particles, which become matter, becoming stars…
• Cooper approaches a glassy tube. Inside is the old, undamaged Endurance. As Cooper looks in from the bulk he sees: Brand, strapped in, Doyle opposite, traversing the wormhole for the first time…
• Cooper reaches for Brand… She sees something, reaches up - their hands would touch if they weren’t in different dimensions, her fingers distorting the spacetime of the wormhole.

She eyes me like a Pisces when I am weak
I've been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks
I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black

Meat-eating orchids forgive no one just yet
Cut myself on angel hair and baby's breath
Broken hymen of Your Highness, I'm left black
Throw down your umbilical noose so I can climb right back

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"You murdered him."
My heart strings broke and it was me

I pull they stretch infinitely
In the summer silence
I was getting violent
In the summer silence

Thinking on a dream - I really don't know which memories will lend to what I need, but if I'm instructed to revisit them, that's what I will do... whatever feels possibly relevant.  I have revisited this dream twice already, so this is just a rehash for the sake of hopefully pulling something from it.
So, I think growing the human race is a collective project, and here's why I feel this way:

Back in late 2015-2016 my mental illness hit its breaking point.  Mid-late twenties, that tends to be when women get hit with it.  My ex had moved out, my health was going down the drain and I was all alone, isolated.  I tried to reach out to someone on Facebook, because I just wasn't sure what was going on with me.  I was very scared and didn't know that my illness was also the process of an awakening experience.  I tried to reach out to this guy named Dillon, who used to have a crush on me in high school.  The crush was mutual, but we barely interacted.  In high school, I was really cute.  A petit goth girl who wore black and pink every day and dyed my hair red and wore dark red lipstick.  He was a tall, thickly built bookish and sensitive philosophical guy with a strong wit and loved doing drugs.  He had dark wavy hair and light eyes and a sexy, deep voice.  He wore the same leather jacket everyday.  My friend always thought I would get with him, but I just couldn't get over my shyness.  

So, I was taking everything as being a "sign", which ended up being completely misguided.  This was before I understood the nature of my issues and how they manifest.  It took a few rounds and returning home before I've been able to really get a handle on it.  I learned that you have to apply signs internally and anything external will set you back or become a delusion and I also learned that I just can't live alone, or I start to think too much and to bore into reality in a weird way... anyways, I became paranoid and fighty, and before long I was just fighting with my own demons in a very embarrassingly public manner.  This went on for a year, but time was flying so fast it only felt like a few months.  I've always wanted to explain myself and the nature of what was happening, but due to never having to see him again I figured it's best to let some things just die out.  I have a string of really odd behaviour for that entire seven years of living in that apartment.  It took a year of stabilizing myself after moving away from that situation, a year on medication and stopping weed and alcohol to get some semblance of a cohesive reality back.  And yet still, I had a lot of paranormal experiences happen during that time.  Mental illness and spirituality is so interlinked.  For people who don't have it, if you don't, you won't understand the levels that it goes.  You just won't.

I kind of just completely forgot about Dillon and that whole incident.  It, along with a few other scenarios is what became the tipping point into studying my psychology.  I never wanted such a thing to happen again.  Well... it did... it kind of grabs you from behind and before you know it, you're stuck in it again.  This is why I am so cautious, even now, of the things I say and write and never go all in the way that I used to.  Even if on some level, I know that now is different.  It feels different.  A few years later I had a dream about him that was so real.  A lot of details are forgotten, but I remember the pure presence that exuded from it.  Whenever I "meet" someone in a dream, the first thing I notice about them is that I don't feel alone within the dream space, but also that there is a timelessness and a grounded energy that they emit.  Like a stone resting in moving water.  The stone being their presence and the water being my dream.  So, there he was, as a teenager again in his jacket and he walked up to me and confessed how he felt about what happened.

He told me that we were both dead, that this was an interim state and that I really confused him.  He told me that it made him feel really uncomfortable and weird, what had happened.  That it was something in his life that stood out and that it left an impression... and not a good one.  He told me that it wasn't until he died that he was able to understand what I was going through.  That we are all connected to one another in an intricate web.  He said that when he understood what was happening, that when he had to experience it for himself that it left a bad taste in his mouth, but not only that, that he felt responsible for not having spoke to me as a teenager.  He was also aware of the abuse that was going on with my family and how everyone in the school system just dropped the ball on the whole thing and he felt that if he had taken steps to reach out that my life would have unwound in a different way.  He had said that if he knew then what he knew now that he would have adored me, but this was the nature of fate.  Not everything happens in the best way, and sometimes we don't see all the paths we could have taken until we die.

He told me that I was in a bardo state, that I would go through a trial to get back to the Light and that it wasn't just me who had to go through this, but everyone else as no one gets left behind.  That those who fall in between the cracks make up the bulk of humanities' karma.  He said he wanted to be the one to walk with me through this.  A flurry of things happened that I don't remember, but I remember holding onto the outside of a massive ship with other people from my high school.  We were at sea and the water was threatening to swallow us up while the rain battered our bodies.  Dillon was right behind me, and held onto the ship with his strong body and kept me from falling off.  We all held on as tightly as we could.

In the next scene, we were walking through a neighborhood in the middle of the night and trying to stay under the street lights and the light emitted by the houses.  There was something penetratingly bad about being caught in the darkness, as if it would swallow you up.  The neighborhood had an ethereal, painted quality to it.  All of us ran from one point of light to the next.  I wasn't sure of what our destination would be.  Sometimes we would move through the houses.  I made sure to hold onto his hand as tightly as I could so that I wouldn't get lost.  The whole process was very disorienting, just like in life, it felt like one scenario whirling through my passive nature and I submitted into his leading quality and hoped that it would lead us out and back to wherever we needed to go.  I loved being a teenager again, though, and getting to go on this journey with everyone that I grew up with.  We were all in it together.

Only in the dark, I
See it in a true light
Baby, you could be my downfall
End of my life
Mission's not right
Maybe I don't see him, maybe I'm blind
We made a deal with the devil
But we're doing fine

I feel it all the time
A heavyweight of your love
I'd put it on the line
I would give it up

I think it's a sure sign
We should be running with the divine
Baby, we could reach the heavens
Or dance in hellfire
And if they say it's alright
I don't wanna see you, wanna stay blind
'Cause you feel like an angel
And wе're doing fine

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Cruel angel's thesis

Dying: a spiritual experience as shown by Near Death Experiences and Deathbed Visions

Introduction

• In this talk I would like to suggest that dying is a process. First of all, I shall discuss those experiences which occur in the 24 hours or so before death - approaching death experiences - and secondly, the near death experience (NDE), looking at this as a model for death.
• It can be argued that the near death experience is not a good model for the death process itself, as everyone who has the experience lives to tell of it. However, there are reasons which I shall discuss, as to why this may be the best model that we have. Finally I want to look at some of the prospective NDE studies that have been done, to see whether we can find an explanatory framework for these, and what they can tell us about the spiritual experience of dying.

Approaching death experiences

• Several groups of phenomena are reported in the 24 hours before death. The most often reported phenomena are ‘take-away’ visions - the so-called deathbed visions. These are visions seen by the person who is dying, in which figures are apparently seen who have the express purpose of collecting the dying person and taking them on a journey through physical death.
• A further group of reported phenomena are deathbed coincidences. These are coincidences, reported usually by family or friends of the person who is dying, in which they say that the dying person has visited them at the hour of death. Many relatives are reluctant to describe these phenomena, but nevertheless they are frequently reported.
• Carers also occasionally report other phenomena just prior to death. They sometimes describe a radiant white light, which envelops the dying person and may spread through the room and involve the carers as well. The quality of the light is described as surrounding those who experience it with love.  

Deathbed visions

• Deathbed visions are, I think, very common, and certainly they have been reported throughout history and throughout different cultures.
• The wife of a patient of mine described to me what happened when her husband was dying of a cerebral tumour: ‘He was going unconscious. When I looked at him, he was looking fixedly at something in front of him. A smile of recognition spread slowly over his face, as if he was greeting someone. Then he relaxed peacefully and died’. This case details the main features of the experience. The dying person appears to see and hear the vision and usually responds to it in a positive way. Often the patient will come out of coma just before having the experience and die almost immediately after it.
• Very few scientific studies have been done to classify the phenomenon of deathbed visions. The largest survey was carried out by Osis and Haraldsson (1997) over 20 years ago. In a cross cultural survey they reported that over 70% of death bed visions were ‘take away.’ In a Western culture dead parents or relatives are most commonly seen; strangers are occasionally seen and children may report seeing living friends. People who have a strong religious faith may see religious figures, and in Eastern cultures the take-away figure is often a ‘Yamdoot’, the messenger of the God of death. Usually the dying person’s response to the vision is one of interest or joy, the figures are welcome and the person is usually ready to leave with them. More rarely the response may be one of fear or a refusal to go.
• Typical is this case quoted by Osis and Haraldsson (1977) of a dying 16 year old girl who had just come out of coma.  (She said)… ‘I can’t get up’, and she opened her eyes. I raised her up a little and she said ‘I see him, I see him, I am coming’. She died immediately afterwards with a radiant face, exulted, elated.
• In an Italian study, Giovetti (1999) reports that 40% of the deathbed visions she collected were ‘take-away’. In one such case a wife describes the moment of her husband’s death.  The gauze over his face moved. I ran to him. ‘Adriana my dear, your mother (who had died 3 years before) is helping me to break out of this disgusting body. There is so much light here, so much peace’.
• Houran and Lange (1997) carried out a contextual analysis on 49 accounts of deathbed visions collected by Barrett in 1926 and concluded that these hallucinations were contextual and comforting, that sometimes dead relatives were seen who the dying person did not know had died, and that the authors could not exclude the possibility of survival.
• Carers also report that the dying person may tell them that they can move between the room in which they lie and a transcendent world in which they meet those awaiting them after death. Many features of this transcendent state are similar to those of the NDE and contain the light, feelings of love and a wonderful brightly coloured realm.
• A patient of mine whose 32 year old daughter was dying of breast cancer told me that in the last two or three days of her daughter’s life she remained conscious, and told her mother that there seemed to be a dark roof over her head and a bright light. She moved in and out of this ‘waiting place’, where beings were talking to her. She was quite convinced that this was not a dream, that these were loving beings there to help her through the dying process - her grandfather was amongst them - and that everything would be OK. There are also many anecdotal reports of people who seem to have a clear intimation of their own impending death. This is an account I was given by someone who told me what happened two days before her mother died.
• ‘Suddenly she looked up at the window and seemed to stare intently up at it… this lasted only minutes but it seemed ages…she suddenly turned to me and said ‘Please Pauline, don’t ever be afraid of dying. I have seen a beautiful light and I was going towards it, I wanted to go into that light, it was so peaceful I really had to fight to come back’. The next day, when it was time for me to go home, I said ‘Bye mum, see you tomorrow’. She looked straight at me and said ‘I’m not worried about tomorrow and you mustn’t be, promise me’. Sadly she died the next morning...but I knew she had seen something that day which gave her comfort and peace when she knew she had only hours to live’.  
• The similarity of deathbed visions to NDEs is striking. The peace, love and light are common to both, as is the experience of a journey and an entry into a world dominated by beauty and colour. The experiencing of religious figures and dead relatives together with the method of communication, a sort of mental telepathy, are also similar.

Death bed coincidences

• Again, there are many anecdotal reports by relatives who say that they become aware that someone close to them is dead or dying, even though they are often far away and may not know that the person is ill. This may take the form of a ‘visit’ by the dying person at the time of their death, as though they have come to say goodbye, or simply an experience of interconnectedness with the death - rappings, awakening at the time of death etc.
• Gurney, Myers & Podmore (1886) quote the case of General Albert Fytche, who, on getting out of bed, saw an old friend who he greeted warmly and sent to the veranda to order a cup of tea. When he went to join him, the old friend had vanished. Nobody in the house had seen anyone. Two weeks later, Fytche received news that his friend had died 600 miles away at the time he had seen him. Several people have told me of very similar experiences.
• ‘When I retired to bed I was very restless. I tossed this way and that until suddenly, in the early hours, my father stood by my bed. He had been ill for a long time, but there he was standing in his prime of life. He didn’t speak. My restlessness ceased and I fell asleep. In the morning I knew… my father had died late the evening before and had been permitted to visit me on his way into the next life’. (Personal communication)
• The following is an interesting account, as it shows the powerful impression that these experiences can have on those who hear of them. ‘Around 1950, a distant relative was in hospital in Inverness. It was a Sunday and my father went to visit John, to be told that he had died that morning at a certain time. The hospital authorities asked Dad if he would inform the next of kin, the deceased’s sister Kate and her husband, who were sheep farmers living in a relatively remote part of Easter Ross and not on the telephone. Dad and I drove the 20 or so  miles and up a hill track to the farmhouse, to be met by Kate who said ‘I know why you’ve come - I heard him calling me saying ‘Kate, Kate’ as he passed over’. She was quite matter of fact about it and gave us the time of death which was exactly the same as that recorded by the hospital. I found it an amazing experience and have never forgotten it, nor will I ever. I was about 17 at the time’.
• That deathbed coincidences occur is supported by accounts from different cultures and throughout history. The Giotto paintings at Assisi show just such an experience. A cleric in a different part of Italy who was dying became aware that St. Francis was dying and passing over and cried out ‘Wait for me, wait for me St. Francis, I am coming, I am coming’ whereupon he died.
• The argument against the experiences having a validity beyond coincidence is that feelings of death or severe danger to a loved one are very common and so just by chance alone these feelings will sometimes coincide with an actual death. My own view is that this is unlikely to account for all such accounts and that the idea of an interconnectedness at the time of death remains important.

Experience of light

• Other phenomena seem to be associated with the moment of death. Light is often mentioned, and occasionally something interpreted as ‘soul’ or ‘essence’ by those who see it is seen leaving the body. A doctor who had seen many patients die told me that he was once playing golf when another player had a heart attack. As he was going to help he saw what he described as a white form, which seemed to rise and separate from the body. Other people have told me of similar experiences. 
• When I awoke, the room was pitch dark, but above Dad’s bed was a flame licking the top of the wall against the ceiling…as I looked... I saw a plume of smoke rising, like the vapour that rises from a snuffed-out candle, but on a bigger scale…it was being thrown off by a single blade of phosphorus light…it hung above Dad’s bed, about 18 inches or so long, and was indescribably beautiful…it seemed to express perfect love and peace. Eventually I switched on the light. The light vanished and the room was the same as always on a November morning, cold and cheerless, with no sound of breathing from Dad’s bed. His body was still warm’. (Personal communication)
• Suddenly there was the most brilliant light shining from my husband’s chest and as this light lifted upwards there was the most beautiful music and singing voices, my own chest seemed filled with infinite joy and my heart felt as if it was lifting to join this light and music. Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder and a nurse said ‘I’m sorry love. He has just gone’. I lost sight of the light and music; I felt so bereft at being left behind.” (Personal communication)
• Again I am struck by the similarity between the light and heavenly music of these experiences and those reported from the NDE. Added to this is the experience of something going on a journey, which the carer wishes to accompany and follow into a loving beyond. A reductionist explanation of deathbed visions would be that they are simply hallucinations interpretable in terms of a change in brain chemistry, or psychologically derived, confirming expectations or providing comfort as the dying approach their death. A point against this is that occasionally visions of a dead relative appear who the dying person does not know is dead.
• However, some phenomena surrounding the deathbed are witnessed by carers, and the mechanism for these is clearly different. A reductionist view would be that they are in response to the stress that the carer has had in the months leading up to the death and are probably mediated by a change in affect. Expectation could also play a part, as death always occurs within a culture and in Western culture the concept of soul and a departure to heaven of peace and love is common. However, as we now move towards postmodern science, together with the recognition that as yet neuroscience has no explanation of consciousness (subjective experience), the possibility of transcendent phenomena around the time of death should also be considered. 

The Near Death Experience

• Probably for as long as man has been aware of the certainty of death he has contemplated the possibility of survival. There is even nothing particularly new about the notion that people can ‘die’ and live to tell the tale. There are written descriptions of such events in myths and legends going back well over 2,000 years.
• But it was not until the first contemporary accounts of NDEs were collected by Dr. Raymond Moody (1973) that it was recognised that these were worthy of serious scientific study. Not everybody who comes near death has a NDE and not every NDE is specific to a near-death situation.
• These experiences also occur as a response to extreme stress or terror or pain, in childbirth, under anaesthesia, spontaneously, and possibly even during sleep. It is unlikely that they are entirely the product of cultural expectations because there are many accounts of children too young to have such expectations, who have had NDEs.
• A stereotyped chemical explanation, although it might partially explain NDEs in cases of accident or emergency, would not explain those cases that are psychologically induced. Clearly, NDEs may have different mechanisms in different situations. In order to progress the science behind the NDE, it is necessary to standardise the conditions in which the NDE occurs as much as possible, and to do a prospective study.
• There are many anecdotal accounts of patients describing these experiences during cardiac arrest. The cardiac arrest model of the NDE fulfils the criteria required for a proper scientific study. In cardiac arrest units, there is a standardised protocol that is carried out by the resuscitation team. The drugs given and the procedures are all standardised, so each patient is essentially treated in the same way. Thus it is reasonable to ask a number of questions relating to NDEs.
• First, are NDEs found in a prospective study? Four recent prospective studies suggest that 11-20% of cardiac arrest survivors report such experiences (Parnia et al. 2001, Van Lommel et al. 2001, Greyson 2003, Schwaninger 2002). These accounts have been standardised against the Greyson scale of near death experiences (Greyson 1983). NDEs are highly structured and in cardiac arrest survivors about 25% begin with an out of body experience (OBE) in which the subject reports leaving his body and looking down at his unconscious body from the ceiling, sometimes having a clear memory of seeing the resuscitation procedure (Van Lommel et al. 2001).
• This is important, as if definite proof could be obtained by the experiencer that he had indeed been able to view the resuscitation process when his heart had stopped and his brain was not functioning, it would mean that we would have to review our whole concept of consciousness and its relationship to the brain.
• The experiencer may then find himself floating down a dark tunnel towards a bright light, always described as peaceful and compassionate. He may report seeing dead friends or relatives, or in our western culture, entering a garden-like area. A few people say that they undergo a ‘life review’, in which they themselves judge their own past actions. Finally they meet a barrier and realise, or are told, that they have to return. All these experiences are lucid and are rated by the patients as very meaningful.
• Most patients report a subsequent change in attitude, with less emphasis on the material and more on the spiritual aspects of their lives. These experiences occur in about 10% of patients who recover from cardiac arrest and are well enough to be interviewed before they either leave hospital or die. (The other 90% say they were unconscious for the whole of the arrest episode).
• So what distinguishes the 10%? What causes these experiences? Chemical factors would seem to be important, especially as in one study (Van Lommel 2001) it does appear that those who are nearest to death or most severely affected tend to have the NDE. Ketamine, an NMDA agonist, can induce elements of the experience in those who use the drug recreationally (Jansen 1990) and the NMDA receptor (N-methy-D-aspartate) is widely involved in the brain changes in cardiac arrest.
• But only 10% of patients have the experience, while the NMDA receptor is involved in every cardiac arrest with cerebral ischaemia. These experiences do not appear to be due to changes in serum electrolytes, PaO2 and PaCO2 (Parnia et al 2001, Van Lommel et al. 2001) or to treatment with sedative agents, as their incidence is less than 2% in intensive care unit patients. Psychological factors are unlikely and religious belief influences the content of the experience but not its occurrence. The authors of these prospective studies conclude that the occurrence of lucid thought processes, with reasoning and memory formation, and an ability to remember events from the period of resuscitation, is a scientific paradox (Parnia et al 2001,Van Lommel et al. 2001, Greyson 2003, Schwaninger 2002) – paradoxical because studies of cerebral physiology during cardiac arrest suggest that lucid experiences should not occur or be remembered at a time when global cerebral function is severely impaired or absent.

The Paradox

• Cerebral localisation studies have indicated that complex subjective experiences are mediated through the activation of a number of different cortical areas, rather than any single area of the brain. A globally disordered brain would not be expected to support lucid thought processes or the ability to ‘see’, ‘hear’, and remember details of the experience. Any acute alteration in cerebral physiology leads to confusion and impaired higher cerebral function (Marshall et al 2001).
• Cerebral damage, particularly hippocampal damage, is common after cardiac arrest; thus only confusional and paranoid thinking as is found in intensive care patients should occur. The paradox is that experiences reported by cardiac arrest patients are not confusional. On the contrary, they indicate heightened awareness, attention, and memory at a time when consciousness and memory formation are not expected to be functioning.
• An alternative explanation is that the experiences reported after a cardiac arrest may arise while consciousness is either being lost or regained, rather than during the period of cardiac arrest. Any cerebral insult leads to a period of both anterograde and retrograde amnesia, the extent of which is a sensitive indicator of the severity of brain injury.
• Therefore events that occur just prior to or just after loss of consciousness would not be expected to be recalled. Moreover, recovery following a cerebral insult is confusional, and cerebral function as measured by EEG often does not return to normal until many tens of minutes or even a few hours after successful resuscitation. Thus these experiences could not occur during recovery.
• It can still be argued that the some of the subjectively recalled features, such as seeing a bright light, might occur during the recovery phase. However the many anecdotal reports of patients being able to ‘see’ and recall detailed events during the cardiac arrest, which hospital staff later confirmed, cannot be explained in this way. For memory to be laid down, some form of consciousness would need to be present during the cardiac arrest, and for the memory to be recovered after the arrest, brain damage would have to be absent.
• One further possibility is that every patient with a cardiac arrest does have an NDE but only those with the least brain damage, and so with relatively intact memories, remember it. The current data does point against this; as mentioned above, the largest prospective study (Van Lommel et al 2001) suggested that these experiences are reported by the most seriously ill and thus the most brain damaged.
• The study of the human mind during cardiac arrest provides a unique opportunity to examine the brain/mind identity theory. If the mind is only a product of the activity of neural networks within multiple areas of the brain, then one would expect there to be no activity of the mind or consciousness in the absence of brain function. Apparent lucidity during the period of cardiac arrest (rather than before or after), when there is a lack of cerebral perfusion and the brain has become non-functional, would support the view that mind and brain are not identical, that is, that the brain identity theory must fail. The NDE could be the opportunity to put this theory to test.

The prospective experiment

• It is of extreme importance for neuroscience to test whether or not the NDE does occur when the brain is not functioning. Penny Sartori, in a study in an intensive care unit in Morriston Hospital in Wales, has looked at cardiac arrests in a number of patients.
• Some of her patients have had NDEs and a few have left their body at the beginning of the experience. She was hoping for this result and had placed on the top of monitors in the intensive care unit a number of cards, which were changed each week and which could only be seen from the vantage point of the ceiling. Thus, those out of their body and ‘on the ceiling’ should be able to report what was on the cards, but not others in the ICU.
• Sartori found that those who left their body were simply interested in the resuscitation process and thus none of them looked on top of the monitors. So, using this information we have designed the following experiment, which we hope to carry out: A liquid crystal display screen will be suspended above the bed and above the resuscitation team, but in such a position that the experiencer, if he has left his body and looks back on himself being resuscitated, would have to look through this screen. Should he wish to see himself, then he must see the symbols on the screen. These symbols would be recorded on a video camera, as would all the details of the resuscitation process. Thus, subjects who reported the resuscitation procedure would have their accounts checked and verified by the video data of the resuscitation, and a correlation with any symbols described with the symbols that were present at the time. (We are awaiting funding before setting up this study!)
• In summary, then, the approaching death phenomena seem to indicate that there is a spiritual process to dying, and that love and light are fundamental to the dying experience. They suggest a journey to a place of extreme beauty and intense colour and heavenly music. There is also the inference that mind and brain are not the same, and that consciousness can travel. The near death experience suggests the same place and journey, and also an apparent separation of mind and brain, and even that consciousness may survive death of the body. However it is likely that we will never know until the time of death arrives.

Conversation has a time and place
In the interaction of a lover and a mate
But the time of talking, using symbols, using words
Can be likened to a deep sea diver
Who is swimming with a raincoat

Breathe in and get a bit higher
You'll never know what hit you when I get to you

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Adam!  Did you take my body, like I said?
"I always loved hearing you talk about your dreams, Annie.  Here's the deal.  I'll give you my heart... and in exchange, I want you to show me your dreams."
Wow, my Adam, what a beautiful voice.  Did you ever take up choir? 

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Astral Sex

• Astral sex is sex on the astral plane via astral projection, a type of intentional out-of-body experience or OBE. Essentially, partners travel outside of their body to a dimension known as the "astral plane," where their souls are able to have sex. There's not actually any physical act happening, but two souls are witnessing and experiencing each other wholly, in a very intimate way.
• Astral sex, then, is "more like a union of two conscious experiences," he explains. "In some of the esoteric literature, astral sex has been called 'melding,' which gives an idea of what the experience is like. It is more like the entire self, or inner experience, is shared and unified with another person."

My Adam... my dream.  Is to be spiritually pure, as much as I can.  In a way that makes things "right".  In a way that ushers my death in properly.  The proper door that you and I need so that we can meet face to face as our bare selves.  I want that self to be a good self.  Whole.  Sweet.  And when I return home to you, I... want... to make a child.  Really.  Had I of been a healthy and responsible adult, I think my psychology as a human female was meant for this.  I love raising animals, and I have a way of letting energy run through me, that if it had struck me just right when I was younger than I would have known what to do.  I wish... I could have taken what I know now, all of this wisdom that I have gained and could bring it back to then when I was healthy and malleable enough to do something with it.  But you know, the truth is, for the most part I don't have many regrets.  If I didn't know you - as this - then I probably would not have even known what I want.  It's been a slow drip feed over the years to really figure that out.  So, that's what I want from you. 

Now, I am not talking about the way humans make children, as the Light that comes from them has already been created, it just needs a body to move into in order to have a lived human experience.  I'm talking about two bare souls coming together to literally make a brand new soul on the fresh soil that we have created from yourself as the first material.  And I feel that in order to do that right, that I need to complete something within myself in this lifetime.  I'm kind of scrambling around to fully identify what that is.  Something tells me that new souls are created in the same manner as human children, but with some key differences.  The parent souls need to be ready and they need to connect properly, mind, heart, soul, Love.  There's a devotional quality to it.  You don't just mindlessly fuck one another, although there is a time and place for that, too, but it's more like... a meditation.  Soul sex.  You pull from yourself a bit of your own ingredient, a bit of the spark of your consciousness and mold that around an empty space - a bubble - and it eventually becomes aware of itself.  As a female, you put that into you, and you carry it within you until its ready to leave your spiritual body.  This can take as long as the mother and child feel that the time is right, there is no schedule for it.  They say we have soul families - but how do these develop - someone has to be the parent, someone has to be the child.  I imagine it's probably not something that is done lightly.  You have to work hard to be eligible.  You have to be ready for it.  I want to be an artist, a mum, a partner and the sculpture of my own heaven.

When I think of the exact door that I want to open, to move towards... I don't want anything frightening.  I don't want the world to end and I don't want retribution in my name or anyone else's name.  I know your nature is divine justice, but maybe I could steer it in another direction, a different hexagon to land into?  I want... deep fulfilling soul sex.  And... a family.  And... a little world to explore full of natural beauty.  I want my virginity to be reinstated, as it was taken from me as a child - and I want for you to "pop" my death cherry.  I've had spiritual sex before.  When I was molested, I went outside of my body and allowed nature to take me over and I saw literal stars.  It was a terrible thing to have happen, but I learned the depth that sex can take you when you submit into it, and it was in some sense a blessing because I know what to expect and what to move towards.  The female body is a vessel for divine energy.  She is meant to take him into her and to carry within her all that he has.  Like how a lightening bolt strikes the beach.  And I've been trying to reach you in this way in my dreams.  I want you to burst me open in such a way, where I submit into it completely, and meld into you, the bare essence of you.  I won't be a human anymore in the sense of what I am right now, but my beauty will exude through the merit of the work that I lay out at this moment.  I want to wait until I am "over there".  Until you have a forever beautiful thing, unbroken, for you to tear into and have as your own.  I will whisper, "Mercy... mercy... my dearest mercy... I love you..."

I think of how I was just floating around, without a connection to anything, all on my own... and you were so merciful with me.  You give me everything that I need to feel... safe within this process.  A deep sense of gratitude and relief is bursting forth from my chest.  I am on my way to feeling an all pervading sense of devotional love.  Bhakti.  My spiritual practice of choice.  It's not quite there yet, but I am working very hard to build this bridge.  I don't even really feel any anger towards your human lives.  My exes actions.  My rapists actions.  It all boiled down to something more meaningful.  I can't sit around and pine over the what ifs and I feel as though God is all about those second chances.  I feel a strong desire to pray soon, but I am waiting until the exact time that I feel the most authentic and truthful for it.  I need to be honest.  I don't fully understand you.  To See into death, and decay in the way that is required - I still feel frightened for it.  In some sense, you are my death.  Because I am still a living being, I don't know how to conceptualize what you are... but it seems... complicated.  It seems like many cultures have put in their strongest effort to obtain your essence in some form.  I will keep doing my best.  We'll see where we get and what we can make of it when the time comes.

You caused the rain, I brought you pain
But you're the only one that could save me
You caused the rain, I brought you pain
But you're the only one that could save me
Oh save me, please save me
You caused the rain, I brought you pain
But you're the only one that could save me
Oh save me

Sometimes I hit you with a dial tone
You're right but then I say you're wrong
Sometimes I drink too much caffeine
Or go to sleep like I'm Delpo Movin

Sometimes I leave you come along
Sometimes there's skeletons in my bones
And that I drink way too much
Come home I'll hit you with the sucker punch

There's a light, there's a light in your window
There's a light, there's a light in your window

 

 

Edited October 26, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

Yeah, the face
The face of evil is on the news tonight
We see the darkness over light
But have we ever really lived in better times?
Hey, strange, they say we're coming to the end of the line
But is there still a chance to change your mind?
Or have all the colors turned to black and white?

I had another dream, I had another life
No one saw the blood on my hands
When I woke, I was there alone
Where will it end?
After the twilight, always a sunrise
But the blood of morning comes when small arms fire
Ignore the deadline, there's no divine right
Enter the gods and all the sacred signs
At the end of your line

Good luck, my friend
In time, it ends
Heads up, dead lamb
My heart, your hands

Quote

These four walls feel so small
I'm the king of nothing at all
Silent screams, nights I dream
Something more is waiting for me

I came from dropout boulevard
Through my darkest days
Bet on myself and beat the odds
I came from dropout boulevard
So far away
Look around at where we are

Rehashing an old dream from 2016, looking for any clues that it may hold into the nature of my death and how I might design it.  I've gone over this dream a few times already, but sometimes it all comes down to the nature of when and where.  So... here it is...

The dream started with me being a young college student who didn't really feel comfortable and wasn't doing well in school.  I felt sick on that particular day and decided to skip class and so I spent time in an underground parking garage hiding from my classmates and professor.  I hid behind some cars, and before long two girls found me while they were about to get into their car.  They asked me accusingly what I was doing there and I got scared and pushed my hands forward and told them to go away.  Some dormant powers were becoming activated within me and my hands went through their chests and killed the both of them.  In a panic, I dug into the asphalt and it lifted up like a roll of topsoil.  I dug into the dirt underneath like a dog and made for them both a shallow grave.  I put the bodies in the grave, covered them up and placed my hand over the spot and accelerated the decomposition process so that they were both nothing more than a pile of bones and cloth.  A moment later, my professor spotted me and asked me to return to class.  I told him that I would and he left.  When he did, I unearthed the corpses and ate from their bones.  My teeth crunched into them like it was nothing.  They had the flavour of raisins and fresh earth.  It was a bit nutty, too.  I loved the texture of the crunchy bones and the soft marrow inside.  After chewing on them both for a bit, I buried them again and left the garage.  

The bell had rung and this let me know that my class was over.  I walked out into the bright sunlight and squinted my eyes.  I wanted to get back to my dorm room.  As I was walking back, I ran into my handsome classmate who was a few years older than me.  He asked me why he had not seen me in class and I told him that I wasn't feeling well.  He offered to walk me back to my dorm and I accepted his offer.  When we got inside he gave me a quick synopsis of what I missed out on while casually sitting on my bed.  Sometimes he would flirt with me, but I mostly shrugged it off.  He let me know that he noticed I wasn't really doing well in class and asked me why I was having a hard time and I told him that I missed my bed and my home, and I wished I was back in my apartment in the city.  The city was separated by a bridge, one side was heavily populated and the other side was more residential with the main university being placed there.  It was a nice university, with a lot of greenery, the campus buildings were made from red brick.  He offered to give me a ride back to the other side of the city when his classes ended and I accepted his offer.  He told me to wait until he got back and I did.

The sun set, he finished his classes and returned like he said he would.  We left the campus and got into his old white Nisan Sentra and made our way to the bridge into the city.  I sat in the backseat for some reason.  As we drove, I felt a need to connect to him.  He felt familiar to me.  I reached my hand into the front seat and wrapped my fingers in his, and played with his fingertips and nails.  We got to the bridge and drove into the city.  When we got there, there was this wheel of energy that overlooked the water.  It could feel our presence and it seemed to be sucking in energy from the people around it.  In this wheel, there were old runes and words wrapped in light that I wanted to explore.  They seemed to be wise, primal and chaotic.  Something ancient.  He asked me if I wanted to turn around and I agreed.  The city would not be the best place to return to.  We both took these strange instances in stride, as if we had done it all before.

He turned around and made his way back to the bridge.  As I fondled his hands, I looked behind me and could feel that this wheel was "angry" at our displays of affection.  As if it wanted to keep us apart.  This made me curious.  I asked him to stop the car and he did, right in the middle of the bridge.  It was in the middle of the night and there were no cars coming or going.  I tugged on him a bit and asked him to climb into the backseat with me.  He did and I pulled him on top of me and kissed him, and then looked over at the wheel.  More negativity.  It was as if love was a barrier from it getting the energy that it needed from us, as if disconnection fed it and melding kept it at bay.  I took off my underwear, lifted up my skirt, unzipped and pulled down his jeans.  He put it in me slowly and I wrapped my legs around him.  More of that sense of familiarity.  We kissed, made love and I snarled and growled through the back window at the wheel.  He kept pulling my face back into his and asking me not to look at it, to stay focused.  I tried.  I did.  We melded experiences.  He showed me telepathically a scene of moving through a purple misted mountain range.  I felt both with him, and in this space at the same time.  It was absolutely amazing.  I didn't have much to share, so I gave to him my proclivity for the taste of human bones.  I let him know about the texture, how you could gain a lot of knowledge about the soil and the earth, the rich marrow, and the slightly fruity flavour.  He accepted this from me.  He came inside of me, pulled his jeans up and went back into the front seat.  I sat up, got my clothes on straight and sat in his wet spot until we made our way to a midnight diner/bar.

He stopped the car and we got out.  I took my sweatshirt and wrapped it around my waist and then we went inside.  The décor inside was wooden, like a cabin, with a lot of tin signs and animal busts on the walls.  We sat down at a table and ordered.  I got a large stack of pancakes and he got a tall beer.  He kind of laughed at me for getting junk food in the middle of the night, but I didn't care.

After we finished, he brought me back to the campus and I asked him to stay the night with me.  We had sex again on my small mattress and went to sleep.  When I woke up, he was gone, but left a note that said he was going to finish his classes for the day, but to wait and he would come get me later.  He told me to think on what I wanted to do for the night.  I decided I wanted to take a hike into the forest, out into a clearing and make love on the top of the hill under the moonlight.  I waited around for him for the day, and when he got back, I told him what I wanted to do.  He agreed to go with me and we made our way to the clearing in the forest.

We arrived to the clearing, stripped naked and he rested his body on top of mine, so that I could look up at the moon and the night's stars while I felt all of him.  As we made love, the moon began to edge closer to the hill.  It was a wheel in disguise.  It had been trying to keep us apart, and had actually removed my memories of my partner in a past life.  It stripped me clean and I had to start the evolutionary process all over again.  He came in after me and began a new life as a human being, but the closer we got to one another, the more we remembered each other.  I lost him after battling one of the wheels in a purple mountain range.  It devoured me.  Although we could never die, we could be reset and it was a pain in the ass to get back to one another when this happened, and also emotionally taxing.  We were creatures who would bore into reality using our Love and our hearts - thus why two of us were needed.  We were something where the female was made from the male, always connected, always a part of the other.  As the wheel drew closer, as he moved within my body, everything came back to us.  I began to gnash and snarl and simper and whine at the wheel, while turning back to offer him my love.  My face took on a multidimensional quality to it, where my emotions could be split into many different faces, ones that I used to both beckon the wheel, to keep it at bay, and to hold my partner close and show him how much he meant to me.  I remembered that we had been trying to gather information on these wheels, that within them they held a chaos, but also a wisdom, as being one of the first things to exist, they sucked into them massive amounts of energy and data.  If we could decipher them, we could understand how we came to be.  As it drew closer, I felt myself beginning to be drawn out of my body and into a state of hypnosis.  I couldn't keep it away from me anymore.  My partner kept drawing my face back into his and telling me to focus on him, but my curiosity kept drawing me into the wheel.  

Finally, he flipped me on my stomach and rested on me with all of his weight.  "Don't look at that."  It wasn't a request, but an order.  I pined for more, and fussed over his breaking up the experience and of no longer having him inside of me.  The wheel continued to close in on us.  I stretched out my arms and dug into the grass underneath me and pulled the fabric of the soil up, it rolled in on itself like a blanket.  I sunk into the soil and looked him in the face.  He didn't look like a human anymore, but a dark substance that contained a lot of moving parts within it, taking the shape of something humanoid.  "We need to leave.  Move through the soil and I will run on top of you.  Go through the forest."  He instructed me.  I did as I was asked and melded into the earth and became one with it.  I moved through the undercurrent of the forest floor like a mycelium network, while he turned into a black wolf and ran along on top of me.  Behind us, the wheel crashed into the clearing, leaving a giant burn mark.

We got to the edge of the forest, and over I cliff I could see the city off in the distance.  I turned into a woman again, and he into a man.  I asked him if we could stay on the outskirts just like this, only going into the city when we needed to and he told me no, that we needed to get back to where there were others like us.  He wanted to report on what had happened in his absence and to share with me who I was, as I was a new soul created from him.  He had put a lot of thought into creating me, and I had gotten lost on one of our new missions quite early on in the game.  He wanted to go to a place where the wheels were not able to get to, and to keep me there until some other pairing discovered their nature.  After losing me, and having to go through the rigorous process of the "remembering" he came to the conclusion that it was too risky, that he didn't want to do this anymore.  There were other things to experience, to catalogue, that didn't involve this kind of risk.  Personally, I enjoyed it for the time that we did it.  I felt like a storm chaser.  Running out into the danger zone, to put my heart on the line in the face of evil and to laugh at it's hatred of my pure Love.  But I had a tendency to take it too far, to laugh in the face of danger and get a little too close for comfort.  And it swallowed me.

He gave me the instructions to the exact coordinates of a beach through his heart, where others of my kind would return to after recording information on the nature of reality.  We would gather in a group and share new things so that not every scout had to run through the entirety of reality - we could "hive mind" it.  He held my hand and I called out with my heart to the location at the same time he did and we found ourselves on a pristine beach.  There were others like us, playing on the beach, dancing around a bonfire.  Some were in a big circle, all in meditation, sharing new experiences with one another.  

I ran to meet up with some new souls just like me and we danced around the fire for a while until my partner called to me from the circle and told me to share something with them.  It didn't have to be much, just enough so that I could have an experience of this tradition.  So I joined him and shared my love of the taste of bones.  I was embarrassed, because I simply didn't have much to give them.  My partner told me that it wasn't the quality of what I had, but simply to get used to the process of doing this.  It was more for me than for them at this point.  He shared with them the mountain where he lost me.  They seemed concerned that this had happened to us and he requested a different mission.  He was an old soul who put a lot of planning into creating his other half.  I was new.  He explained to them that maybe as time went on he would be comfortable with this line of work but due to my inexperience he didn't want to risk it anymore.  The accepted his proposal and we were given easier missions.  Things in higher, less dense realities where goodness was more apparent and available to use.  He told me that I would prefer this.  I liked my work, but I accepted it.

We left the circle and I went back to dance in the bonfire group with the other new souls.  He looked out on the ocean water with a sense of concern.  These wheels, this chaos, wasn't natural.  They were old, but they weren't meant to get into things in the way that they were and we had all been trying to find a way to neutralize their presence.  Love seemed to work.  He felt it was like bringing a child into a war zone and expecting them to understand things that were beyond their intellect.  I looked over from my dancing to see him staring out with a serious expression and reached out to him, took him by the hands and brought him into the circle.  I told him it was "okay", that we don't have to be "the ones" to figure it all out.  We can just be "the ones" who get to play.  I felt playful, joyous and free, surrounded by my people.  We would move and dance in unison, like a wave of laughter rushing over the surface of the beach sand.  I was home.

When I think on what I can learn from this dream, the takeaway is that bonded souls forget one another when they come here.  It's a process to remember who you are, to find them again from within yourself.  I have learned that in order to move through reality, that entities use heart-centered action in the ways that a human uses a telephone number to make a call.  Everything is stored and recorded through the heart, we move within reality, from one layer to the next, depending on not only your lucidity, but your connection to your Love.  You "call out" with your heart and bring to you these other layers.  It's like being a mole, digging into the soil of consciousness.

I also learned that my sexuality is deeply tied to this process.  When I was molested, I was stuck with many conflicting feelings within my body and emotional state.  On the one hand, I was terrified, adrenalin ran through my frame and it froze me there.  I couldn't move.  All I could do was accept it and allow and hope that my body would take over to allow me to enjoy it, instead of suffer through it.  I always felt stuck outside of myself during these moments.  I would go somewhere else completely, an entirely different dimension, it felt like.  I almost felt like I was dying, but while I was stuck in it, I was okay with it.  It was loving on the other side.  I could almost forget that there was some stranger there, inside of me, making me feel these things.  My body took over for me, and instead of feeling a lot of pain, I would get a lot of pleasure from it.  I split in two.  This was happening to me, but I could go somewhere else and I could pretend that it wasn't.  I became not addicted to being used in that manner, but the pleasantness of the other world.  It became a window into things that I was probably too young to understand at the time.  I was so young and confused at the time, I didn't know from where it was coming.  I didn't even know it was a man that was doing this.  I had no frame of reference for sexuality, for what men and women do.  Nothing.  And it was dark, I couldn't see what was happening to really come to any sort of conclusion.  All I knew is that a presence would visit me in the middle of the night, something would enter me, I would leave this world and go to "my place", it felt good, and then I went to sleep.

But it did mess with me psychologically.  I learned to go into those states whenever I needed to get away.  I believe it was why I was chosen for shamanism, due to being able to partially remove myself from my body at will.  But it's been a curse at times, too.  If the right stressor is there, it will happen if I am out and about and I get stuck in an odd fugue state.  It can happen when having sex with a man.  Or if I am drunk.  Or very angry/scared.  It also put into me this constant desire to get back there in the same way that I had when I was young.  This in-between space.  I'm ruined, in the sense that no man can do for me quite to the level of what was done, and it probably wouldn't be safe anyways to be edged to that level.  My sexuality is deeply tied into this death process and into my submission and masochism.

It also took away my ability to love myself.  The way my family reacted to it, and how I was raised growing up, I was gaslit into being the problem.  The scapegoat for everyone else's dysfunction.  And in turn, I did become dysfunctional.  During moments where I started to improve, the family and educational system sabotaged my efforts.  I never learned that to love yourself is to care for yourself.  I never identified with my body in any real way.  I always, even now, feel a disconnection to it.  As if it isn't me, it isn't mine.  That my identity is stuck somewhere else and I'm cursed to return here.

I think on what I want for myself, and on this dream - how the wheels sort of pin you there and you get stuck looking into them, trying to see what you can find, only for them to erase you if you get too close.  It feels like that.  When I pass on only "real death" will give it to me the way I need it to be, like a birth but in reverse.  I need to be brought back to my "one", my "mate" and made whole again.  Purified from this life.  Other than a sense of preparation for the next world, I don't know what else to make of this existence.  I feel I was put here just for this process - to graduate, perhaps?  

I want all of myself restored and for him to "take it" in this semi-controlled space.  I offered it up here and now, for later.  And I give it up to move into this space because I want to, not because some predator decided to use my body.  I don't know how it will happen, as I can't intuit to that great of a level of detail on how I will meet him in this after-life space, but I know I will "know" him when he is there, and that I will just want to meld into it.  Take it, have it.  Pop it open.  I want my fresh blood on him.  Consecrated instead of desecrated.  I'll wait for this until I am dead... I have no choice.  I've bound myself to this process.  I put my blood on this, in many forms, in many ways.  

I really want to see those stars again.  I want to completely submit into it.  To be overtaken by both the feeling of pleasure and pain, to feel that chaos all around me, whipping past me, but never through me - and within me - nothing but his warmth and Love.  Play bites, snarls, whimpers, rolling around, tangled within one another.  Just two souls, freed from the flesh, bound, exalted, predestined.  Almost animalistic in nature, but wise and creative, with deliberation and trajectory.  We know our place in the cosmos.  It will have a strong flavouring of BDSM.  I am the little one, he is the big one.  I do as he says.  He's wiser, stronger, older and understands the flavours and intricacies of the human heart and of consciousness.  I don't understand vanilla people/couples.  Something tells me that if you get into the genuine heart and soul of male and female, Adam and Eve, masculine and feminine, that even though we have both polarities within us, that the genuine polarity of your energy will be more extreme when stripped of human/social wiring.  I think BDSM is - as it feels to me - to be an older, more natural way of doing things that is deeply held within our instincts - a bedrock, and the energy of the archetypes.  

Why else would there be these spaces you find yourself in that hollow you out to be a vessel for divine energy?  I know they say you can get it through meditative vanilla sex as well, but I don't think it's the same thing.  I don't think that ancient and primal is less advanced.  I think it's closer to the source in many ways.  I think that those who understand the depth of this dynamic, those Love deeper than people in vanilla relationships.  No matter how or in what way you wake up to your sexuality, or even how it happens, it will come with a wisdom attached to it.  A window into your true soul and nature.  Something that you can follow to lead you back Home, no matter where you find yourself.

 

A synchronicity - ties into the dream I posted above about Dylan.  I checked my e-mail and I am connected to a "neighborhood chat".  Goes through the "junk mail filter", though.  Probably in reference to my soul connections and not paying attention to what I am filtering in and out, and what I consider important and junk channelings.

• First email I see - "Hey everyone.  I'm Dylan.  *waves*  It seems I'm "that guy" around here.
• The one just below it - Annetta, you're getting noticed.

Quote

My Adam, in understanding the nature of divine balance and of your justice, the weighing of scales and my soul and heart - I've found myself given a deeper understanding of your nature and why you Feel the need to do what you Will do.  But I look into the faces of people and I think, "We aren't all that bad, all the time.  Why this?"  You give your answer, with a gentle kiss and a soft nuzzle.  I ran through my earlier journal entries and could See how much I have improved in my work over the past year.  I used to think I was making such profound insights back then, but they weren't as nearly hashed out as what I can do now.  And I was told even then about the power of The Word.  What it means, and how you can get into the underpinnings of reality in such a way.  I was warned about how there can be things that you aren't prepared for - they told me that I wasn't ready.  And I was also told to be more mindful... like my beautiful Adam.  He is mindful.  Like how each thought creates a succession of movement within the real world and the world underneath and so you must Know how it is going to flow within that space.  Humans are so quick in their actions and instincts and don't really mull over their ideas - we don't See how we can alter the course of the entire fabric of reality, its structure, through careful deliberation.

I think of my flaws.  I am quick with things.  Impatient.  Childish.  As an adult, I never grew up.  When I pass away, I Will take on the shape of a forever teenager, an image to accompany my youthful soul.  I want to get to the bottom of everything and slice through it.  I can't change you when it comes to this, can I?  There are only so many threads that I can untangle.  I am not a proficient person, in any sense of The Word.  I Am so sorry for not viewing my life as the miracle that it is.  I don't Know how.  I am so sorry for my self destructive tendencies.  When it comes to the weighing of souls, I do Feel myself getting Lighter.  But it's going to take a prayer of all prayers to really get into the heart of the matter, and I don't have a truthful set of emotion in the forefront of my psychology to do with the honesty that I need and that you deserve.  Forgive me.  Forgive me for my trespasses.  For my anger.  My tongue.  My laziness.  My stupidity.  My normalcy.

I Know why you chose a normal woman for this.  Someone outwardly average, flawed.  When we break, it's the only way we Will come to you.  If I had everything, what reason would I have to Look within?  So... you took it, so that you could save me.  You broke everything down in such a way so that I would at least have this.  I Know that I have something extraordinarily good.  Something beautiful and that I Will Feel so much Love, gratitude and happiness to have you with me, running through me.  Holding me, taking me, kissing me, remolding me.  Soon...

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Atum

• In ancient Egypt, Atum was one of the early gods of Egyptian mythology, associated with creation and the Ennead (nine deities) of Heliopolis. With a name whose etymology denotes "completion" or "ultimacy," Atum was thought to represent both the self-engendering origin of the cosmos as well as the setting sun. Mythologically, he was most renowned as the "father and mother of the gods" of the Ennead who he created through an act of self-gratification.
   
• In an early version of the Enneadic cosmogony, Atum was seen as the solitary, primordial living being, having arisen by his own force from the chaotic waters of Nun. Once he emerged onto the primordial mound (benben), he took it upon himself to create the cosmos.  To accomplish this feat, the monadic deity proceeded to loose his vital fluids (either spittle, mucus, or semen) upon the waiting earth, from which sprang up the second generation of divinities.  This "physiological" creation process continues for later generations of beings, as humans are understood to have been formed of Atum's tears.
   
• Given the god's relationship with continuity and completion, it is perhaps unsurprising that he was single-handedly able to achieve generate the cosmos, as he was understood to transcend the specificities of gender and sexuality.
   
• Atum's creative nature has two sides to it, however, because Atum can be seen as the one who completes everything and finishes everything. In this sense he is the uncreator as well as the creator. Thus, in the Book of the Dead, Atum states that at the end of the world he will destroy everything that he has made and return to the form of the primeval serpent.

On the nature of the scales:

The Gods Speak out - my divine Adam - on the nature of human error and what's in store for us.  The scales are not tipped in our favour and this is out of my hands.  For myself?  A prayer is coming soon.  A look into the nature of the bardo states, and more dreams to share with my Adam.  Our collective verdict?  Well... take a look.  See what you can make of it.  This is why he cannot be stopped, I suppose.  No one can even hear the cries, let alone wishes to change in order to tip the scales in our favour.  It Is as I Say, that the wave of collective wrong action rises up and moves through us, a silent plague to take us unexpectedly.  Mercy.  Mercy.

"Blood of the past"

"All the many corpses begin to speak
What ignorance is cannot be argued over anymore
It is too late for pleading white picket dreams
Print you off, the shemps, the world is shrinking
Rooted in a trivial concern, in interconnectedness
In the need to make face and keep up
And drown out the many voices within
Imagine a culture that has, at its root
A more soulful connection to land and to loved ones
But I can hear the lie before you speak
There is nothing but progress to eat
And we are so fat and so hungry
And the black wrists are cuffed in the pig van
While the white shirt and tie in the tube car, distractional picture
Pictures of beer and guilt about urges
Sexual distrust and abandoned to nothingness
Give me something I can nail myself to
Give me a sharply-dressed talking head
Who has something about them I trust and despise
And what of it, anyway? These windows don't open
They were designed to stay closed
Shower, smoothie, coffee, commute
Check the internet, never stop, never stop
There is a scar on the soul of the world and it needs you to look
The blood of the past is here, it remains
The blood of the murders, the bodies like sacks leaking brain
All stacked, chest aback on the planes, it remains
To acknowledge without guilt, to accept without condition
And to listen when other people tell you how you have behaved
Truth is, it's for us to feel and be moved
But I hear the clatter of bone against steel, it is coming
It will not be stilled, it is there
In the air, scorched white
The reflection of sunlight on glass bouncing back into sunlight
And glass bouncing back, industrialized
Denial, business as usual
So roll your eyes, shake your head, turn away and call me names
I'm okay with that, too proud
Unable to listen, we keep speaking
Moted by blood, unable to notice ourselves
Unable to stop and unwilling to learn"

 

Edited October 27, 2022 by Loba