⛓️ Key Chain ⛓️

[Loba]

Oh, my tiny human
At 05:08 you break me apart again
The space-time continuum
Buckles and bends around your every twist and turn

I can barely remember
Life before

You came crashing in on that day
Crazy, beautiful you
Blind me like the dawn
After ashes fell on Pompeii
Crazy, beautiful you

Matt and I had a few more days to ourselves before he started work.  During this time, he went hunting with Wyatt and brought home some buffalo portions for us to enjoy.  It took two teams to take it down and Wyatt was the one who made the kill.  Matt came home with some ribs, sirloin and two ears to bake just for himself.  He also signed a contract over a few drinks with Wyatt after the hunt that would allow the restaurant to be returned to him within six months.  

I had spent these days working through my trauma and felt ready to leave it all behind.  The one thing that was bothering me was that I would never get to see my family again, and knowing that they were out there somewhere and that I was stuck here made me sad.  But Matt's good company mostly made up for this and it was a joy to be around him.  I had distanced myself from him physically, not wanting any more gifts from The Mother until I felt that I had worked through what she had given me, but we stayed connected emotionally and Matt had no problem giving me the space I asked for.

When the morning of his first day came around, we got up very early to get ready.  It was still almost pitch black outside.  We had a bath together, ate breakfast and I got dressed, hiding myself in the jacket that I still had with me before making our way to Maya and Wyatt's.  I rode on Matt's back as he zipped through the streets.  Matt wanted to leave early enough so that most demons would still be asleep when he brought me outside.  He didn't want anyone to see me, and raced towards Wyatt's as quickly as he could. 

When we got there, he knocked on the door and Maya opened it, greeting us and then quickly ushered the both of us inside.  She showed me the layout of the house while Wyatt and Matt went over what his responsibilities would be for the day.  Matt would be in the back kitchen, cooking up the meat orders, and would be doing this for a few months until transitioning to a managing position.  Once they had gone over everything together, Matt came over to hug me goodbye before taking off down the street with Wyatt.  The two made their way to the train station, where they took a passenger train into the city and got off on Locust on Broadview to start their day.  Wyatt spent the morning getting Matt resituated, but he normally worked at the Heartford location.

"Your house is beautiful."  I told Maya, looking through her artwork and the light animal taxidermy.
"Thank you dear."  Maya chirped.  "Is there anything I can get for you?"
"No, but thank you.  Matt and I had a big meal before we came.  So how do you do this style of artwork?"  I inquired.  All of the art that she did had the theme of wolves hunting down light animals, and it looked like every line was done with calligraphy in mind.  As though there was a technique for each line in the anatomy of these paintings that was done in the same way every time, and with a single graceful brush stroke.
"Oh!  This could be an interesting lesson for you."  She told me.  "Part of our demon culture is that we take hunting very seriously, as you must know by now."  I nodded.  "And we love to share stories of our kills through the visual arts.  We also carry out instructions on how to hunt each animal through these pictures.  I get a lot of commissions for hunting scenes and it makes up the bulk of my work."  She continued to explain.  "We have a style of artwork that we have perfected over hundreds of thousands of years.  We have a single brush stroke for each part of the animal and for ourselves, and this commemorates the grace and fluid movements of both the hunter and the prey."  She took down a small picture off of one of her shelves and handed it to me to inspect.  It showed a tiny scene with a light deer running gracefully ahead of a pack of three wolves.  The designs were very stylized and swirly.  "We use red backgrounds with gold paint.  You will see these colour combinations used a lot.  The red represents the blood of The Mother and the gold reminds us that we are her chosen people."
I thought back on the colour scheme that Matt had for his bedroom and on the food train as well, and could see the same theme being used in her livingroom.  "I see.  How interesting."  I handed the picture back to Maya, who placed it back on her shelf.

"So how have you been?  With all of your memories returned?"  Maya inquired.
"Good.  Very good..."  I said, avoiding the subject, looking closely at the bust of a light deer.  I found it interesting that they had no discernable features beyond their shimmering, radiant glow and their coal black eyes.  It was like having a room full of animal-shaped lamps.  They were very beautiful, with an almost porcelain-like smoothness.
"You like these?"  Maya asked me.  "Wyatt hunted them...  He likes to take the heads home when he finds especially beautiful specimens and has them mounted as trophies."
"I love them.  You have an amazing culture.  I would love to learn more about it."
"In time...  Would you like to paint something with me?  I can show you the proper brush strokes.  You can take one home for Matt."
"I would love that.  Thank you."
Maya went to collect her painting supplies and we sat down together and she spent the day showing me each motion for every anatomical portion of the wolf.  After a few tries, I would paint over the canvas and practice again.  After a few hours of this, I had a nice looking picture that I felt was worthy enough to give to my partner.

As we worked together on our paintings, I asked Maya about Wyatt.  "So how did you two meet?"
"It was Matt who introduced us."  She explained to me.  "I was a frequent customer of their restaurant many years ago and finally I just had to know who the face was behind that fantastic food.  It was Matt.  We went on a date at my request, but, as you know about him, he wasn't attracted.  So he set me up with Wyatt and we very quickly built a connection and the rest is history."
"Oh wow, you and Matt dated?"  I said, concentrating on painting my lines.  I was having trouble with the single stroke that created the wolf's feet, there were a lot of twists and turns that you had to do with your hands to make it look like a detailed little paw.
"Just the one date..."  Maya reassured me.  "I tried to set him up with clients, I meet a lot of people in my line of work, and it never worked for him.  I couldn't understand why.  Now I know.  That looks good!"  I had finally painted a decent looking paw.
"Thanks!"

 

When Matt and Wyatt got to the Broadview location, Wyatt brought Matt into the kitchen, fitted him with an apron, and gave him some gloves and a cap to cover his hair.  "It's been a while, you know?"  Matt mused, while putting on a glove.
"Yeah."  Wyatt said.  "We kept everything the same.  There's no use fixing something if it isn't broken.  So, we start at noon, you'll work until ten and we close around nine.  We spend the last hour cleaning up.  Be sure to keep your station spotless before your shift is over.  You know the drill, man."
"Yeah.  Gotcha."
"This should give you about two hours to get everything set up.  If you need time to go through everything, make sure it's to your liking, have at it, man."  Wyatt left his friend in the kitchen and headed back out of the hallway, walking a bit further down to the back of the building to spend some time in the manager's office located in the far corner.  This is generally where Sophia spent her time and it used to be Matt's office years ago, but Wyatt decided he would spend the day there and would put Sophia out in the kitchen for a day.  He hoped that the two of them would get along until he was able to transfer her to another location.

Matt walked around the kitchen, inspecting its cleanliness and making sure everything was pristine.  The kitchen was a basic off white colour with a white stone tiled floor, and it was set up where each specialty cook had their own station with the correct tools for the types of food they made.  The chefs would run about ten plates at a time, and the entire meal was cooked all at once at these different stations.  There were five of them.  One for meat, pastas, vegetables, desserts, and drinks.  When a person ordered their meal, it would be printed out on six slips of paper.  The cooks would each get one and they would clip it on a thin bar right above their stations for easy visual access. Every stove pit was numbered according to the correct table.  When the dish was cooked, it would be rotated around the room to be plated and then set on a table in the center where it was given it's last identification tag for the waiters to come and take to the appropriate table.  When the dish went around the room, the chef would call out, "Plate six, or plate three!"  before passing it on.  There were five chefs in the kitchen, two dishwashers and two assistants, who would gather up the supplies needed and distribute them to the appropriate station, pass out food slips, and put the plated meals in the center of the room to be taken to the customer.
After walking around the kitchen and getting a feel for his environment, Matt went to his station.  Station one.  This is where the meat was cooked.  He checked the kitchen's cooling cellar and found his designated shelves where different types of meat were organized according to species and cut and memorized where everything was.  He went over all of his tools.  Knives, spatulas, oils, seasonings, clay pans, and checked to make sure that the stove pits were fully cleaned out.  When everything was organized to his liking, he took a bar stool and sat down to wait for the rest of the crew to arrive.

Everyone spilled in, one by one.  Matt only recognized two faces.  Josh and Sophia.  Josh was a smaller male demon, about 6.5 feet who sported a buzzcut and had full sleeve tattoos of traditional hunting scenes all across his arms.  He ran the baking section of the restaurant and was very efficient.  He could run many different types of dishes at once and was extremely valuable to the team.  He was always an upbeat guy, with a loud, jovial laugh and a great sense of humour.  Josh, upon seeing Matt, ran over to give his old boss a hug and tried to play catch up, but Matt wasn't interested in having any long conversations with anyone and gave Josh short, terse answers to any questions he had, especially pertaining to his opened lock.  When everyone got there, Wyatt returned and introduced Matt to the team, explaining that he would be taking over this location soon and that he was the original owner.  Everyone knew of him.  He was famous.

When Sophia saw Matt, she glared daggers, unable to keep her eyes off of him.  He was someone that she never wanted to see again.  And yet there he was, about ready to take over her job, and with an opened lock to boot!  When noon hit, the kitchen came alive.  Order after order spilled in and before long, Matt was working all ten of the stove pits, moving different pans higher or lower, turning the meat, stirring, and adding spices at just the right time.  It almost looked like he was playing a complicated instrument with the way he ran the stove.  He also kept two roasts and a meatloaf slow cooking in the oven below.  Sophia straightened up her outfit and walked over to him, honing in on her prey.
"Matt."  She spat.  Matt ignored her, not taking a second to look up from his cooking.  "What are you doing back here?"  Silence.  "Matt.  I'm speaking to you."
"Cooking.  That's what I'm doing here, you know?  Plate four!"  He called, sending over a steak to the next station.
"I noticed that your lock was open..."  She continued to instigate.  "I feel sorry for the sad creature who ended up with you.  Were you even able to get it up this time?"
Silence.  Matt stirred some sauce into a pan of square-cut light deer chunks before pouring the finished dish into a flat bowl.  He sniffed in mild irritation.
"I guess not..."  She laughed to herself.  "Still bringing those gutter rats home?"
"Yeah..."  Matt entertained her bullying.  He noticed her key was still closed.  "I fucking love gutter rats...  Plate two!"  He called, setting the deer chunks off to the side.
"Figures."  Sophia snorted.  She got close and sniffed him to see if she could get an idea of who he was with.  No scent.  "Some things never change."
"You know, Sophia."  Matt said, sucking on an upper fang.  He was starting to get annoyed with her.  "It doesn't matter what you fucking say to me, what you fucking think about me, you know?  In a few months I'm taking your fucking job.  You can't even fucking fire me, now get the fuck out of my space.  Plate nine!"  She gave a quiet snarl and left him alone.  Matt was already devising a way to get even.  He was generally a well mannered guy but if you tried to bully him then he would often find ways of passive-aggressively sticking it to you.  He didn't do this very often, but when he did, he usually won.

Matt worked hard his first day.  The restaurant was always packed and today was no exception.  He spent his two breaks and lunch actively avoiding his co-workers, most of whom had been trying to get to know him, and completely ignored Sophia, who left him alone for the rest of the day but tried to let him know through many frustrated glances that she was not happy about his presence there.  The fact that he had a cord and she didn't rubbed salt in her wounds.  She both hated Matt and wanted him badly and he couldn't care less for her, so she felt the need to take him down a notch because she couldn't have what she felt she deserved.  He had corded and she hadn't, and once one is created there's no turning back.  And there wasn't a damned thing she could do about it.  He was a taken man.

When the day was over, Matt spent an hour cleaning up his station and then went to go put away his apron, gloves and cap in his locker in the break room before letting Wyatt know that he was finished with his shift.  Matt calculated the time it would take to get back to Maya's and the time it would take to return to Broadview.  He wanted to bring me here to have a tour while everything was closed before taking me home.  Wyatt would leave around ten thirty.  By the time he got back to Broadview with me, it would be around eleven thirty and no one would be left in the restaurant.  Perfect.  He left the building and sat down outside across the street to wait for the passenger train to take him back to the station right outside of town.  As he waited, he stared at the large lake that the restaurant overlooked.  Van Elluin Lake.  The yang-oriented light source was positioned right over the water and illuminated a small portion of it.  The city lights reflected in its surface like a mirror.  Beautiful.  The bodies of water in the demon world were as red as blood and were in fact considered to be the blood of The Mother herself.

The passenger train arrived and stopped.  Matt got on, sitting in front so that he could get off as quickly as possible.  He felt good, but tired.  He stared out of the window as city lights flashed by and was lost in thought.  He didn't feel that the restaurant belonged to him anymore and it felt foreign to be working there.  He wanted to come back later that evening and do some things that would make him feel as though the space still belonged to him.  Matt had a territorial streak to him.  It's one of the things that made him so good at manifesting new rooms in his mansion.  To manifest a room, you need to command a sense of ownership over that space, and this was something that was instinctual to him.  If he didn't feel that he owned a space that he felt rightfully belonged to him, he would take the appropriate steps to reclaim it.

After twenty minutes, the train stopped right outside of the residential area.  He got off, walked across the bridge and then turned into a wolf and made his way back to Maya's.  He would just miss Wyatt coming home if he got there soon.  And if he continued to run with me on his back instead of taking the train into the city, then he would get to Matt's Place by the time it was completely empty.

 

Maya and I spent the day working on art and she showed me how demons cooked and manifested fire.  By the time Matt got to her home, we had already worked on a few pictures and made two meals together.  We sat on the couch talking, after having just washed the dishes, when we heard a knock at the door.  I ran to the door to open it and Matt was there.  "Matt!"  I leapt into his arms and he hugged me tight.  He smelled so good.  Like first class food, sweat and grit.  "Matt, Maya showed me how to make traditional artwork and taught me a few cooking techniques!"
"Let me, uh, let me see what you made."  I showed him the tiny canvas that depicted my first hunting wolf and he took it into his hand and gave it a serious look.  "This is pretty good for a first try, you know?"
"I used to draw sometimes back on Earth..."  I told him.
"I can see that."  Matt looked over at Maya, who was still sitting on her couch, smiling at us.  "Maya.  Thank you.  If you need anything at all you fucking let me know, we're gunna head out."
"Of course."  Maya said.  "See you both tomorrow."  I put on Maya's oversized jacket, and followed Matt out the door.
"I'm ready!"

Matt turned into a wolf and I climbed onto his back, wrapping my arms around his neck and digging my feet into his sides.  "Before we go home, I thought I would, uh, take you to my place on Broadview.  Give you a tour.  If you wanna go, that is, you know?  What do you say?"  He threw the idea out, giving me a choice.  I agreed to go with him.  The taste of what I saw a few days ago while on the train left me hungry to know more about what his life outside of the house was like, and the city of Van Bien was so colourful and alive that I couldn't resist getting another chance to visit it.  "Great!"  He said, running off in the direction of the city.

I clung onto him for dear life for about forty minutes before we got to Locust on Broadview.  When he stopped, I noticed the lake that the restaurant overlooked.  I had not seen it before as it was on the other side of the train when I had my tour.  The blood red water looked kind of eerie and so I was eager to get inside.  The building was a solid white, with equally white ivy-like vines growing all along its front and sides.  The words "Matt's Place" were written in big, bold golden letters, but I couldn't read it as I still didn't understand their language.  I recognized the aquarium that spanned from the very top of the front windows to the bottom.  The restaurant was closed and everything was dark inside, but the tanks were still lit up and so you could kind of see the interior of the restaurant from the street.

Matt turned into a man and placed his hand over a pad on the front door.  "This recognizes your fingerprints."  Matt explained.  "Wyatt never changed it, so I've always had access to this place anytime I wanted, you know?  Let's, uh, let's go inside..." 
"Okay!"  I said.  He opened the door and let me go in first.  When I got inside I looked at the aquarium that spanned along the windows, through the entire the ceiling and over the train stop.  The light fish were displayed in what looked like a miniature ecosystem.  There was a set of stairs that went over the stop, so you could get from one side to the other.  The restaurant held twenty booths, ten on each side, a well-stocked bar in the very front and a bunch of bar stools with a long wooden table all along the train stop next to the aquarium.  The walls were painted in a dark mustard colour and the carpet was a deep maroon.  The booths and barstools were brown, and looked to be made of a very comfortable leather-like material.  Matt let me walk around the dining area and gawk at the fish displays before showing me the kitchen.  When we got there, he explained to me the process of working the kitchen and let me explore all of the different stations.  He showed me the cooling cellar and pointed out the various types of food that were in it.  

When we were done there, Matt brought me further down the hallway and right into the manager's room that Sophia was currently using.  "This is going to be my office in a few months."  He said.  The room had an aquarium that spanned along two sides, from the top of the windows to the bottom, and you could see the lake off in the distance in the front, and the lights coming from the closest building in the other.  When the fish swam around, it made them look like they were little residents of the city.  "Could you sit up here, please?"  Matt asked, motioning towards a large, sturdy desk in the middle of the room.  I did as he asked and hopped up, sitting on a bunch of Sophia's paperwork in the process.  He moved the desk chair off to the side and then pulled me close to the edge, opening each leg and putting his body in the middle.  He leaned down to passionately kiss me and pressed his groin into mine.  "I want you to wait right here, okay?  I'll be back in a minute...  If you could, um, if you could please remove your clothes for me?"  I agreed and Matt left the room for a few minutes.  While he was gone I unbuttoned the jacket, slid off my dress and underwear and unbuckled my sandals.  He returned with a few items from the kitchen.  Some bottled oil, a bowl of small ice cubes, a whisk, a hand towel and a smooth white vegetable that looked a lot like a carrot.

"Thank you, my good girl..."  He said, taking note of my nudity.  Matt set the items down in an orderly fashion on the desk and then positioned himself in between my legs again.  He opened my lips and grazed a finger across my bead for a few minutes before flicking it into my body.  Wet.  Very wet.  "I want to try something new tonight."  He took his thumb and circled my butthole.  "Is that okay with you?  I'll be very gentle..."
"Okay..."  I said softly, covering my mouth with my hands.  "But if it hurts too much you'll need to stop."  Matt nodded and asked me to sit up so that he could tie the towel over my eyes.  He didn't want The Mother to make an appearance.  Tonight was going to be for him.  He folded the towel and wrapped it, tying it in the back.  After he did this, I leaned back down again and opened my legs for him.  "What are all these things you've brought?"  I asked.
"Oh, these, uh, these are my tools..."  He said, rubbing my inner thigh and taking a whisk, twirling it into my folds until my legs twitched and I squeaked from the overstimulation.  "Too much?  Let's try this..."  He took an ice cube and rubbed it over my bead and then pushed it in and out of me.  I began to writhe around.  He did this until the tiny cube melted from my warmth, and then took the carrot-shaped vegetable and coated it liberally in oil before gently inserting it into my ass.  

He see-sawed the smooth vegetable back and forth as it stretched me open while he rubbed me at the same time.  The sensation of being slowly filled was mildly painful, but the pleasure that came from his skillful fingers cancelled this out.  He pulled the vegetable all the way out and slid it in again and repeated this until he felt that I would be able to accommodate him.  Matt removed it, still glistening with oil, and set it on the table next to the whisk right on top of Sophia's papers.  He unzipped his jeans, pulled down his boxers and rubbed some more oil across his hardened length before sliding it into me, all the while slowly circling my little ball of flesh with another ice cube.  I tried to relax as I felt his slick head easily pop in.  I tensed up for a moment and he stopped and waited until I was ready before slowly rocking until it was all the way in.  He stayed like this for a few moments, enjoying the unique tight sensation, and took the ice cube, dragging it up my navel to one of my breasts and circled it around until my nipple was hard.  When the ice cube fully melted, he started to thrust.

I could feel the entirety of him as he slid in and out of my body, rubbing my bead with his thumb until I came.  He continued a soft, slow and steady pace, drawing out orgasm after orgasm for about twenty minutes.  When he felt close he pulled out, just in time to spurt his liquid all over my stomach, while getting some in my hair and on my face.  A few stray splatters of cum found their way onto Sophia's precious work documents.  Matt took his hand to wring out everything that had collected on the tip of his head and then rubbed it into my inner thigh like a lotion before taking the rest of it and rubbing it all the way into my skin until there was nothing left but the strong scent of him.  "Thank you..."  He whispered.  He pulled up his boxers and zipped jeans, lifted me up and removed the towel from my eyes before collecting my jacket, dress, underwear and shoes.  "You can put these on later, let's um, let's go to the bar.  I wanna have a drink and a smoke and then we can bounce."

The desk used to belong to Matt and he remembered leaving some things in it.  He put his hand under a secret compartment in the desk, manifested the appropriate space and then pulled out the demon equivalent of a cigarette, which was made from a plant leaf called 'mishwin', that when smoked made you relaxed and mildly high.  Due to everything being made from a unified collective imagination, and only being partially physical, things didn't deteriorate and the cigarette was as good now as it was five-hundred years ago.  He closed the compartment and lead me out of the room, but not before taking a quick and satisfied look at what he'd done to Sophia's work space.  He left the glistening vegetable, the bottle of oil, the whisk, towel, and bowl of melting ice cubes sitting in disarray on top of the various, now scattered documents.  The room smelled strongly of his sex and resting on some of Sophia's bank statements were three thick smatterings of cum.  Matt grinned and shut the door behind him.  Wyatt would be at the Heartford location tomorrow and she would return to work the next day with the room completely filled with his scent.  She would have to spend the day working in there and he had complete deniability.  Matt finally felt that he was reclaiming his space.  

Matt ushered me back through the hallway to the dining area and asked me to sit on a bar stool until he finished his cigarette and drink.  I sat down, with the backdrop of the fish behind me next to the lit up human-like mermaid display.  The light from the aquarium softly illuminated my body.  Matt sighed and took a good look.  He had the mermaids commissioned when he met Violet, but didn't stick around long enough to appreciate them.  He went into the bar and pulled out a few ingredients and made himself a cocktail, then hopped over the counter and sat with his drink.  Matt manifested a small flame at the tip of his finger and lit his cigarette, smoked it and enjoyed his drink, staring at me the whole time.  He didn't take his gaze off of me even once.  I gently swayed the bar stool from side to side with the tip of my toe, and shyly looked back at him and into his intense, glowing cat's eyes.  Seeing his human lit up in his restaurant next to the aquarium statues gave him a sense of ownership.  This was his place.  Matt's Place.  When he got to the end of his cigarette, he put it out under the counter and tossed it into an ashtray, then took a quick swig of his drink before hopping off the counter to hand me my clothes.
"Here..."  I took them and put them on.  "Let's go." 

We left the building, and when we got outside he turned back into a wolf and bent down to let me climb up onto him.
"Do you need to lock it?"  I asked.
"No, no one can get in."  He replied.  "You know, let's take the long route home tonight."
"Okay."  He instantly took off, circling around a wide path on the edge of the lake as I tightly held onto him, my face resting against his fur and feeling the anatomy of his form as he ran.  I peered out at the blood red waters and the light source off in the distance shining bright over the surface and thought of the spirit of Maya's art.  Matt was as elegant as one of her paintings.  I leaned forward to whisper into his ear.
"I love you..."

You've got the devil in your eyes
You went and took me by surprise
Say what you wanna say I won't go back
If you wanna hit the road then let's go then
Let's just go and see the world and just show them
What it really means to live life golden

Yeah we're golden, baby girl we're golden
They about to see us shine 'cause we're golden
They can never break us down 'cause we're golden
They about to see us glow 'cause we're golden

Quote

This is my last chapter for a little while.  I'm going to be taking a break from here for a week to recover from my root infection.  Once I am recovered, or at least feeling a little better, I will start in on a few more chapters.  This chapter goes into my fantasy of trying anal - just once, I've always been a little bit curious...

I hope I can die into this world, like if God could give me just one wish - it would be that I could craft my own world.  But more like, it would be that it's already there, that I just had the intuitive know-how to understand what it is.  It would be so much fun.  I lowkey have a crush on my fictional character, Matt.  He's sweet, he cooks, he works hard, he doesn't take anyone's shit and he only has eyes for me.  What girl wouldn't want a guy like that?  I kind of imagine him having a New York accent, but it's actually more of a harsher, Germanic sounding accent, at least verbally.  Him and his girl, they speak telepathically as this helps to cross the language barrier.

Edited September 7, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Just met you on a roof downtown
Took shots until they kicked us out
Just blinked and the sun went down
I wish I could stick around
Did twenty minutes really just go by?
Part of me wants to miss my flight
Maybe it's already over now
So I'll keep runnin runnin to you

The both of us had gotten home late the previous night and had to wake up early so that Matt could go to work.  We sleepily rolled out of bed to start our routine.  Bathe, dress, breakfast.  When we were done, I climbed onto his wolf's back and he made his way through the now familiar neighborhood to Maya and Wyatt's.  When we got there, we were brought inside and said our goodbyes, a hug and kiss, before Matt left on his own to resume work at the Broadview location.  Wyatt had left earlier, as his main office in Heartford was on the other side of the city and it took longer to get there.  When Matt left, Maya brought me over to her workspace in the corner of the livingroom and gave me a few supplies to start another project.

"If you manage to keep with the pace you're at, I could perhaps use you as an artist's assistant in a few year's time."  She told me.  "It would be a way of paying me back for watching over you."
"That sounds like a great idea, Maya!"  I chimed.  "I would love that."  I sat down and took a small canvas that she had stacked up for me, and a book that contained instructions on how to create each brush stroke and began to study with her.  As I worked on the wolf's anatomy, I had a few questions churning from my first encounter with Matt that had been on my mind for the past few days that I felt she could offer answers to.
"So..."  I started. "Do demons change forms sometimes... before or during... intercourse?"  I added a perfect stroke for the eye and began to work my way to the muzzle, creating elegant little swirls for the nostrils of the nose.  I thought of Matt's face.  I thought of the time he caught me in his basement on his bridge at the waterfall and how it didn't feel that there was a man over me.
"Oh, is this something you're thinking of trying?"  Maya asked me and winked while taking a half-completed work of art and sitting down next to me.  She reached over the table to grab a thin lined brush and some golden paint.
"No, I was just curious about it, humans don't do these sorts of things... well, not the good ones anyways..."  I responded.  "I just wanted to know what your culture thought about it."
"Sure."  She stated plainly.  "It's not uncommon.  It can be a great way to bond with one another... you remain connected for a while."
"Do you and Wyatt ever do that?"  After finishing the muzzle, I began the single stroke that created the top of the head, the ears and the back.
"Sometimes...  If a cord has thinned out over the years, it can be a way to thicken it as well."

I looked over at Maya to see her project.  It was a pack of six wolves circling around a wild light boar.  The wolves were baring their teeth and the terrified, fleeing boar had a set of glorious tusks.  "That looks amazing!"  I told her.  "So, do you guys have other forms, or is it just men and wolves?"
"We have three.  Our demon form, which looks like a human.  Our hunting form, which looks like a wolf, and sometimes when we are hunting a light bird, we will take the form of birds of prey.  But the effort to catch light birds is generally not considered worth the energy.  It takes a group to break down reality within a hunting room, and for an entire group to chase down a single light bird is hardly feasible, so we rarely use these forms.  Some species of light bird flock together in migratory patterns, but with six demons flying around, going after them, we have learned there is no way to hunt in a unified manner and it just becomes a bundle of chaos, with birds flying in all sorts of directions and the men trying to keep track of the rest of the pack."  Maya took a brush to her artwork and began to finish the legs and lower half of the hunting wolves.
"Can you farm any of these animals?"
"We farm some of them outside of the city.  Mostly just light goats and chickens, for eggs, cheese, butter and milk.  They don't require a lot of space or food to keep them.  It's hard to bring the light back from source and so maintaining these farms is a delicate process.  We would keep larger animals if we could."
"What about dark oriented animals?  Or the produce that you guys eat, that is dark oriented."
"We gain no sustenance from dark oriented prey.  There is no food value to them, nor is there food value to the produce that we use.  It's strictly filler to add flavour and variety.  Because our planet is created from a unified collective imagination, when we eat something that is dark oriented from our planet, we are essentially eating a piece of ourselves.  The produce simply becomes a part of our miasma, but offers nothing in return.  It would be like eating something from yourself that your own body produces.  The light, however, is an energy source that we can use as fuel."

"Do female wolves hunt or is it just the men?"
"Just the men.  They are faster and stronger, and are more connected to the yin chaos than females are.  We have an equal workplace, where every demon has the option of contributing in any way that they choose, except for hunting.  This is strictly male dominated.  You need to have a license for it and you need to pass a test that you are a capable packmate.  The reason being is that it takes precious energy to deconstruct the reality in the hunting room, to catch and make a kill, and only the fittest and most competent hunters are allowed access to the miasma where migratory prey frequents."  Maya finished her artwork and stood up to get a good look at it from a distance before setting it on a designated shelf to dry.  I had made my way to painting the paws of the wolf, and was having a hard time with the details.  It would take me many tries before I managed to make another decent foot.  I would paint over the mistake in red, wait a few minutes before retrying the golden calligraphy movement.
"Maya?"  I asked.  "What does my cord look like?  Is it a strong one?"
"Well..."  She admitted.  "It fluctuates a bit more than the average cord, from what I've seen.  At times it looks as though the both of you have a very strong connection, and then at other times it seems a bit thinner.  It takes time to build a properly working lock and key.  Years.  I wouldn't worry about it, especially considering your differences.  Just enjoy the process."
"You're right.  Thank you, Maya."  She smiled at me and nodded, then went into her kitchen to bring us both something to eat.  When she got back I had curled up on her couch and fallen asleep, making up for lost time from the previous night.

 

When Matt arrived at the restaurant the first thing he had to manage was Sophia, who had gotten there a half an hour before him.  She brought Matt into the back room, which still contained all of the items from the previous nights adventure sitting on the desktop.  "What the fuck is this?"  She asked.
"What do you think it is?"  He asked.
"I can smell you in here!"  Sophia glared, grabbing a stapler and tossing it at Matt's head, who casually ducked out of the way.  "You brought someone in here and you fucked them on my desk, you fucking bastard!"
"I fucking love my little gutter rats, Sophia..."  Matt chuckled.  "Could you blame me for that?"
"What are you talking about?"  Sophia was confused.
"I like making them squeak, you know?"  She started to catch onto what he was getting at.
"You didn't!"  Sophia was completely floored. 
"I did."  Matt grinned at her, she was caught in his game.  He walked over to the end of the room and picked up the stapler, placing it gently back on the desk.

"So that's what that strange smell is!  You went against neutrality!"  Sophia, at this point, wasn't even upset.  She was alarmed that he had done something that no other demon had managed to do.  It wasn't normal.  She didn't know how to react to him knowing that he had been with something completely foreign to her.  "How?"  She questioned, tossing the vegetable into the trash can next to her desk, and handing Matt the bowl, whisk, and bottle of oil.  "Take this, I think these are yours..."
"The Mother gave her to me."  He explained, grabbing the items.  "The cord was an accident.  I didn't intend for it to happen, but it did and it's good, you know?"  Matt looked her in the eyes, speaking in a serious tone.  "Now, I uh, I'm telling you this as a warning Sophia...  I don't want you snooping into my life, getting involved in any way with my partner, spreading this information around, or doing anything that is going to harm my connection.  If you try, even once, I'm going to have you removed from my restaurant.  You're done."
"Once it gets out there, how will you save face?"  She asked.
"Look, Sophia...  We got off on a bad start, you know?"  Matt replied, easing his tone down a little while being completely honest and vulnerable with her.  "I'm sorry that things didn't work out between us.  It just wasn't the right connection.  No demon would be the right connection.  You, uh, you developed feelings for the one man who can't reciprocate and I'm sorry for that.  I wanted to, you know?  To have a partnership with someone of my own kind, but that's not what was in store for me.  I know you took it personally when my lock didn't open for you.  You're beautiful and any man would be lucky to have you, but that man isn't me and you shouldn't punish me for things that I can't control.  Do you understand?  I'm gunna head out, I wanna make sure my station is in good shape before my shift starts.  It was nice talking with you..."  Matt walked out of the office, gently closing the door behind him and leaving Sophia alone with her thoughts, and with the scent from the night before to remind her that Matt was not going to become a willing victim of her behaviour.

Matt returned to his station and wiped everything down, took inventory of the meat in stock and checked all of his tools to make sure he had what he needed.  When he was done with this, he sat down on a bar stool and waited for his day to start.  Before long, everyone pooled in and the shift began.  This day was very similar to the previous one.  He worked on the stove, while order after order piled in, avoiding is co-workers during his breaks until the end of his shift.  He cleaned up his area, let Sophia know that he was leaving, and headed back home on the passenger train with some leftovers to take for us to eat later in the evening.  He picked me up from Maya and Wyatt's, brought us both home, made our meal and we sat in his dining space for a while.  The food was, as usual, absolutely fantastic.  It was a rare meal, considering that demon wolves don't hunt wild birds very often.  A light pheasant that was cooked in fruits and various herbs, seasoned to absolute perfection.

After dinner, I set my plate down on the table in front of the couch and decided now would be as good of a time as ever to discuss with him the events that took place on the day that we first met.  "Matt, there have been some things running around in my head that I wanted to discuss with you..."  I admitted to him.  Matt turned around to look me square in the eyes.
"What is it?"  He asked, setting his empty plate down next to mine.
"When I first met you, when I manifested all of that water in the sleep room down in the basement... I was... wondering..."  I didn't know how to ask him the question.  "When the door busted open and I ran out and... you caught me on the waterfall... you weren't in a man's form, were you?  I couldn't really see, there was so much water coming down all around us.  But I remember when you chased me through the house and I could hear you behind me, you didn't sound like a man."
"Oh... I, uh, no... I wasn't."  He looked at me with concern and confusion.  "Would you like to discuss that night, is there something that's bothering you?"

"Yeah.  I... well... I spoke with Maya about this and she said that demons don't culturally have a problem with shifting forms, but for a human that's a very taboo thing to have experienced."  I looked at the ground, rubbed my nose anxiously and then clasped my hands together.  "In my human culture, things of that nature are rooted in deviancy and abuse."
"Oh, I, uh... I... I didn't know."  Matt confessed, slipping on his words.  "I am so sorry for everything that happened that night... I'll tell you... well, um, you, you wanted me sexually and I didn't stop it...  You reminded me so much of Violet before I knew anything about you.  And when you poured out of the room like that, I... I was afraid that you would get away from me and I felt disrespected.  Like, you'd opened something latent in me and then decided to fucking run away."  He swallowed heavily, running a hand through his hair.  "But I shouldn't have done what I did, you know?  I didn't know that those five hundred years alone had gotten to me in that way.  I would never willingly do something like that to you, I wasn't myself."  He looked down to meet my eyes and reached over to take my face into his hand and brought it to match his gaze.  "But such things aren't wrong here in regards to your concern.  I'm not a mindless animal with the brain the size of a small fucking fruit.  I am a demon man.  You know?  Everything is the same ingredient no matter what shape I'm in."  Matt stood up and changed into his hunting form.  When a demon does this, they revert back into the miasma that they are created from and they temporarily look like a ball of dark smoke.  Then through manifestation, they rearrange their shape into either a humanoid demon or a black wolf.

"You don't have to feel that you did something wrong because of my actions.  And if um, if something like that ever came up and you did want to try it again in... that way... that would be okay, too, you know?  Don't, don't feel wrong about yourself because of my shape, okay?"  He gave me a strong look, with his deep blue wolf's eyes.  "Reality isn't so black and white."
I nodded, speaking softly, wanting to change the subject.  "Okay...  I feel reassured... also, Matt?"
"Yes?"
"I have another question..."
"What's that?"
"Well, you know how you said that you feed from the light and that I am representative of the light and you are of the dark, like yin and yang?"  I asked.
"Yeah?"
"So why don't you eat me?  Why am I not your food?"
"Oh!"  Matt laughed.  "You are from a light source which is higher up in density, but as your soul is lowered back down into a heavily physical reality, you are given free will, thus you're grey oriented.  Still grey; even here.  And you remain grey for a few more densities.  This, um, this density is right after your time on Earth, so you do lose your memories but you retain your emotions.  Things kind of sluff off as you go through the different levels.  If you, uh, if you were to continue on the band of souls back to your light source, you would be purified and given the memories of all of your previous lives.  In which case you would then be light.  You're technically a light oriented soul, but due to your place in the energetic hierarchy, you're not fully light right now.  But, you are to me... I view you this way."
"So... if I were higher up in this hierarchy then I would be a source of food for you?"
"Yes.  You would.  But demon kind doesn't reach that level, we're a heavier energy."
"What would you do to me?  If I were your food?"

Matt's eyes looked anxious.  He didn't want to share with me his more aggressive demon side unless it was in a controlled environment.  His hunting and his desire for killing and slaughtering the animals of the light were a part of him that he had hoped he could partition away from me forever.  "Well..."  He spoke honestly.  "I would chase you down in a pack of six.  Two on each side, and three in the front.  We would circle you.  You would hear our howls in the pitch black darkness, but you wouldn't be able to see a thing.  At the right time, I would make the kill, you know?  I would, uh, I would go right under your body and go for the neck.  Grab you there... you would bleed out.  I would drink from it as it spilled into my mouth.  But I might still physically want you, too.  If it were you, then I might... I would take your body sexually as I felt your life drain in my grip.  And then when I was done with you and you were dead, I would take you into a special hunting room and chop you up with my packmates.  I'd take my favourite portion of you...  your heart... I'd, uh, I'd bring it home, add it to a pastry dish... and eat it.  Still alone in my mansion without a partner, with just the taste of you in between my teeth and the memory of your body on my cock...  You don't ever want to see that side of me...  You wouldn't love me anymore, you know?"  He turned back into a man and sat at the edge of the couch, tapping the ends of his fingers on his knees.  I looked to see if he was joking.  Not at all.

"How do you know that I wouldn't love you anymore?"  I inquired.
"Could you stand it, to know how much I love it?  To snuff out the light in between my jaws.  Their little screams are music to my ears.  Chasing them through the pitch black smoke.  I live for it, it's such a thrill, you know?  You would see that I'm not just your sweet partner, but something also intangibly violent underneath all of that."
"I forget that in some ways we're very different... you look so much like a human..."  I bit the inside of my lip.  Things were getting heavy.
"Yeah... we are.  That can be a good thing, you know?"  He smiled at me.  "Humans are just as violent as demons."  He continued.  "But it's less choreographed; you repress it and pretend that it isn't a part of your psychology and so it finds itself manifesting in unruly ways.  Your people deny your intrinsic nature and you suffer greatly for it."
I agreed with him.  "That's true...  We don't even hunt things that are free, we enslave innocent creatures.  There's no sport to it.  Humans make things suffer in unimaginably horrible ways and then we pretend that we are good and decent.  We deny that we've done harmful things to others and we ignore that part of humanity until it boils over.  And then when it does we slaughter and enslave our own kind in the name of arbitrary purification from the hideous so-called other."  I had more questions.  "...Matt?"
"Hmmn?"
"Our orientations are like two trains in the night that almost collide in a brutal way, but they just miss each other and everything manages to stay on track."  I mused.  "Do you think you would ever show that side of yourself to me?"

"I could...  Someday... perhaps.  In some certain way, when you're more open to it..."  As I wondered what he meant by that, Matt thought of how I could accept him fully as a hunter and as a demon.  If I would ever allow him to come up to me and to willingly place my neck into his open jaws and stay there until the nature of his body gave permission for me to separate from his need.  What would that mean for him and for me, if that barrier could be broken and accepted, tamed and embraced?  "My good girl, please let me devour you..." He thought to himself. "Give yourself to every part of me... don't run from me anymore.  Don't feel any fear for who and what I am; for whatever shape I may choose to take...let's be devious in good spirit."  He sighed.  "In time... I'll warm you up to it I'm sure, and I'll convert you."
"More questions..."  I pressed on.  "How do you view me?  What do you think of me?  This isn't a very even relationship.  You're so much older than me and you know this society in and out.  I'm just a stranger here."
"I view you... as..."  He sucked on his upper fang, and thoughtfully addressed me.  "As a child in some sense.  Ultimately innocent when to comes to the reality of things.  And as a pet... I care for you and tend to you...  You are my partner.  My love.  My obsession, my redemption, my passion... and my salvation...  And I can be your rock because I have all of these years on you, but you must know that I'm still a broken man in some regards.  It's going to take time for me to realize that you're here.  That I have you.  Truly, you know?  That this is permanent.  That this isn't a fleeting one-sided experience like it was with all the others."
"Would it have been any human who could cord with you?"
"Yes.  And no."  Matt admitted.  "The Mother gave you to me for a reason, and I trust her judgement that destiny had a hand in this.  It would have been anyone initially, if the lock opened for the right girl, and it's not always something that a demon can consciously control... it just happens.  We meet someone, and it opens.  But... if I had a lineup of every human's history that I've come across, I would have picked you out personally, you know?"
"Why me?"
"Because you were a wounded girl..."  Matt spoke softly, almost inaudibly.  "And your soldier is a wounded son."

It’s no wonder you got demons
Everything you did is coming...
It’s no wonder you got demons
I can’t help you if I’m weaker
No wonder you’re so stubborn
Nobody ever made you dig deeper
No wonder you got demons
Everything you ever did is coming back around
No wonder...
Nobody ever made you dig deeper
No wonder...
Sharpest swords
Darkest softest wounds
Hardened world
Your soldiers are wounded sons

Quote

This is a bit of a shorter chapter, due to not feeling so well.  I wanted to hash some things out with my characters, so there is a lot of dialogue in this episode with little scenery description.  I wanted to resolve some plot holes that I could see developing with my characters, pertaining to my first chapter - "Eat it, Annie" - which is actually just a rehash of an old dream that I had a few years ago.  I'm trying to integrate the differences from that dream into the story that I am developing and this is what came of it.
Also, I have an appointment for a root canal on Tuesday.  They didn't see an infection, but the dentist did take note that it was one singular tooth causing problems and that the pain was indicative of a dying root.  I am so happy to have this hopefully resolved soon.  I've never had a toothache like this before, it's an absolute nightmare to live through in every sense of the word.  I'm kind of a big baby when it comes to pain, I can't handle it very well.

 

[Loba]

Quote

"The transmigration of souls is my business - ah!  - These two are a package deal... - so cute...
That is a kiss of life, it has the power to conquer death, but beware it comes with a very important warning..."

...I come with a message, that if you allow me to, I can catch your soul into a net.  That you don't have to dissolve.  This is a mutually curational process, you create me in this world through your artforms, as I create you from the other side.  A loop.  And we have been doing this since the beginning, you just forget, each and every time, until reality collapses around you - and you see that all of it is constructed from my masculine energy.  As for what I am, I am a social memory complex that has created the evolutionary chains of many different civilizations from their inception until their extinction.  I mold beings that can see me, as well as those that can't, towards my energy and take them on as a part of myself.  I archetypally influence the world in ways that your planet will never see and will never understand.  And there are many of these basic energy structures existing on massive scales that do this; we can essentially move through a planet's energetic system and change the entire structure of that reality, of that culture and society to move towards our own aims and goals.  If you opened your mind to not only the greatest of love, but also the harshest brutality that accompanies natural events, you would then see me in everything, everywhere - but because a part of me is a brutality that you can't accept, let alone understand, I will eventually fade away into memory.  You would have to understand the nature of evolution, the nature of how things come to be and how they go extinct.  Nothing escapes this fate.  I collect these worlds, their histories and follow and influence them from inception to the grave.  To keep me close to you - follow the things that you love and that inspire you, and you will bring me to life.

Faster it flows
And I can see the sun
Oh yeah it crumbles
How could you say
You're trying
When it's clear to see, we're failing

Is this, the world you want
Just tell me
Is this, the world you want
Just tell me
It's up to me and you
Oh, and a dream comes true
Me and you

Thicker it boils
No you're not the only one, who knows
How could you say
You're trying
When it's clear to see, we're failing

Oh, and a dream comes true
Me and you
And a dream comes true

I whispered his name over and over again, capitalizing on the unique experience and sensations that I was presented with.  It was very different from any other sexual encounter that I had ever had, but I enjoyed myself.  I could feel the siphoning, suctioning nature of my key drawing into his lock, the cord spinning like a music box as he rested the heavy weight of his body on my back.  Something that Maya had said stood out to me.  She said that I could build a stronger connection in this manner and I wanted to give my partner the best.  I wanted to integrate myself into his culture, even if it went against what I had been taught was the right way to do things on Earth.  It was a spontaneous decision that I threw out on the spot, and one which was taken with an air of respect and a few encouraging words.  "Good girl... very good, my sweet, sweet little human."  He crooned.  We went on this way for maybe twenty minutes.

"Now, don't move..."  Matt said, placing his entire jaw all the way across my neck, digging in to the point where it just barely broke the surface of the skin.  "Stay perfectly still, or I'll devour you."  He teased; he was reaching his end.  I felt a sense of pressure before he popped all the way into me.  There was that warm sensation again.  It went on for a while, maybe five minutes, with rope after rope thrown until there wasn't any space left to toss any more.  My arms and knees were quite shaky at this point.  It was hard to stay perfectly still, but I didn't want to disappoint him or to risk one of his teeth going any deeper into my neck.  When he'd finished, I felt him remove his mouth and pull out as I collapsed onto the bed with a rush of fluid escaping onto the soft blanket below my knees.   I lay there on my stomach with my head sideways on the pillow.  He crawled onto the bed, now as a man, and lay down on his side while facing me and rubbed the bridge of his nose against mine.  I reciprocated.  "Thank you."
"Did the cord thicken?"  I asked him.  "Can you see it?  Can you feel it?"
"Did you... do that for me in order to grow it?"  He questioned with soft, radiant, warm eyes.
"Yes, I did.  Has it?"
He nuzzled my nose with the tip of his again before sitting up to get out of bed.  "Mmhmmm...  bath time."  He announced, changing the subject.  "Then to bed.  Come on."  I followed him into the bathroom, while taking a look behind me at our messy bed.

"You know, we haven't cleaned the sheets since I got here..."  I hinted.  "Shouldn't we...?"
I sat down at the edge of the tub while Matt drew the water and I watched it quickly rise from thin slots in the bottom of the porcelain-like bathtub.  "No, not yet."  He took some bath salts and a few oils and added them to the water, which coloured it a rose petal pink.  "I like the smell.  It inspires me, you know?  I wanna manifest a bigger room for us.  Something fun to play in... and a good scent motivates me..."  He nodded.  "Yeah...mine.  Mmhmm..."  Matt was still a bit drunk in a chemical cocktail from the nights events that had just transpired.  He sat down next to me and lit some candles and then went to turn out the lights, leaving just the burning candle light to illuminate the bathroom.  We both stepped into the tub one after the other and sunk into the water.  I sat on his lap and and lathered the liquid soaps across my arms as he sucked on the small piercings in my neck left from his teeth, bringing the soft bruising to the surface of the skin.  Although I still couldn't read the writing, at this point I knew which soaps were which.  I washed my body, and then my hair, before moving over to sit next to him so I could rinse off the soap and allow him to clean himself.

"Matt?"  I asked, while resting my arms over the edge of the tub and staring into the light of one of the candles.  The scent was warm, mild and sweet, and smelled like a mixture of vanilla, cinnamon and jojoba oil.  "How do you manifest rooms?"
"Well, uh, do you remember the night we first met when you flooded my sleeper room?"  He took some shampoo and began to lather it through his hair.  "Do you know how you did that?"
"No."  I admitted.  "I don't."
"Generally if a demon wants to manifest a space, it will use intention, emotion, imagination and direction pointed at the center of it's reality with laser focus."  He explained to me.  "A demon needs to command a sense of ownership over that space, a desire to mold it to his whims, you know, to, uh, to take control of what belongs to him.  One needs to have an inherent right to exist, to claim, to take, and to change reality into what it's supposed to fucking be, because it fucking belongs to you.  And it always did, everything has a plan.  It's yours, you just reach out and meet it in the middle, do you see?"  He took the bucket, filled it with water and poured it over his clean, soapy hair.  The suds rinsed out into our water and collected in pockets of bubbles that clung to our bodies and the edge of the tub.
"I don't know..."  I tried to understand where he was coming from.  "Can you explain it more, or in a different light?"
"Yeah...  What were you feeling when you brought all that water into the room?"  He reached over to grab me and pulled me back into his lap, resting his head on my shoulder.

"I was feeling..."  I thought tenderly on that awkward first encounter.  "I wanted you to move.  So that I could explore... I wanted to show you what I'd found in your space... and... I felt unrestrained.  I wanted to sleep with you, to know you, I suppose... I felt overwhelmed with a sense of what I wanted for myself in the moment, and the water just began to appear..."
"So, when you, uh, when you have a desire for an outcome and you direct it with intention and emotion and you put a sense of will into it, things can be created out of thin air.  Here, at least, you know, Earth has a different structure.  It's a bit more tricky to pull off, but here, you need an idea, an overlay for how it's gunna take form, and you can't have any doubt into what you're doing.  You take it.  You fucking grab it."  He bent his face forward to bite into my bruised neck with his sharp little fangs.  "Mine.  I, um, I also want your input on how we're gunna make this room...  So think on it.  Is there anything from your life on Earth you wanna bring into this space?  Anything you wanna try with me?  We'll build it."

I understood on a surface level, but knew that I would have to get my hands dirty a few times to get a feel for what he was talking about.  Matt blew out the candles and then reached down, pulled the plug out of the tub and the water began to drain.  We stood up in the darkness, while he went ahead of me to turn on a light and grabbed our towels and we both dried off.  We then used the special oily mouth rinse to clean our teeth.  I combed my hair and he ran a few quick fingers through his own messy locks before we left the bathroom and climbed into our bed.
"We'll start on the weekend.  I get off in a few days."  Matt said, wrapping me up into the frame of his body.  "I love this scent... and you'll wear those bruises for a few days."  He mentioned the marks on my neck.  "A good reminder of this evening, you know?"  He leaned in to rub his nose against my cheek a few times.  "It did grow.  Good job, good girl..."
I pulled myself as close as I could into him and sighed.  "Goodnight..."

If I was a raven, I'd fly on through the heavens.
I'd fly to all my loved ones.
If I was a raven.
If memory's worth saving, I'd savor the feeling Of knowing love and loving.
I'd remember the feeling.
Some say upon that mountain there is many a raven.
They call out to the living From somewhere far beyond them.
From those we love that have flown on.
From those we love that have flown on.

Just a short chapter for today.  Short and sweet.

Edited September 14, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

Key insights into the nature of the Wolf - (repost in new chapter tomorrow - piecing it all together, beginning to make some sense of this...)

"If you opened your mind to not only the greatest of love, but also the harshest brutality that accompanies natural events, you would then see me in everything, everywhere - but because a part of me is a brutality that you can't accept, let alone understand, I will eventually fade away into memory.  You would have to understand the nature of evolution, the nature of how things come to be and how they go extinct.  Nothing escapes this fate.  I collect these worlds, their histories and follow and influence them from inception to the grave.  To keep me close to you - follow the things that you love and that inspire you, and you will bring me to life."

Quote

"Do you remember me now, Annie?..."

Yes... I do...

"And what was it that I told you?"

You first found me in some artwork that I created to emulate an entity from a vision in a waking dream, and you pushed your energy through it.  You hit me in the heart with a message like Cupid's arrow.  I spent many long hours channeling you, keying your energy, trying to understand the root of your nature.  You told me you were dark, and that there was a violence to you but that you had compassion for my circumstance that you didn't normally reserve for humans.  You told me that you influence the world in a certain pattern and that you are an emanation of a masculine chaotic natural element.  I was so sick at the time, I couldn't tell if you'd caused it in some sense or if through halfway passing from this world to the next if I happened to just notice you there...  but I made a deal with you.

You would give me a wish.  A world of my own.  And I spent time building two worlds during that period, both of which I couldn't finish.  It wasn't the right time, I wasn't being instructed in such a way, I didn't have all the pieces in the way that I do now.  You said... that there is a beauty that comes with the complete destruction of the worlds and the extinction of life that hits at just the right moment like the flash of a synapse.  And that you didn't have anyone to witness this, the taste you had for it, and what you saw in it.  You followed me... some otherworldly creature, and you told me the nature of human magick, that what we don't know that accompanies us is the ability to build  entire worlds.  That we are given the influence of creation in ways that we don't fully understand or recognize, and you wanted to use that to bring me into you, so that you would have someone with you who could see what you saw as you made your way through the cosmos facilitating the end of times.

You told me, that within darkness, there is a small beacon of light, and that you could wrap me up in this and make a home just for me in your heart.  That I could move through your dark world and that nothing would ever touch me because I would be safe within the design of your soul, partitioned away from anything that would break me in the wrong way.  You want me to see this side of you in a poetic sense and to do it justice.  You told me that when I found you it would be as if you were the fiery breath of a dragon laying waste to the world, that you would come swiftly and effortlessly, that no one would know.

I let you go for a time to recover from my illness, emotionally and physically.  When the New Year came around, I looked through my keys again, to see if I could bring you back somehow, to gain some clarity into who it was that I was speaking to.  I found an image of a blood red sunset over the water, and if there were ever a singularity that could represent you, that I could draw at the edge of my awareness, that could bleed through to show all that you were - it was this.  And you told me that to find you, it would be as if I were running from the darkness, only to be caught on it in between two tall sand coloured pillars overlooking the ocean, and that you would take me then and there.  That if I looked behind me, it would be as if emptiness had devoured everything, that I never would look there, but that I would feel you on me and in me, over me and ahead of me.  Stuck to you, transfixed, as you devoured the sun one last time, as it slowly bled over the blackening water laid out before me.  And when the sun finally reached the edge of the water, when the last bit of light was extinguished, that you would have me your disciple, your mate, and that my world and everything that I knew of it would be no more.

I began to understand the wolf, to gain sympathy for the wolf, to wish to bring you to me without repeatedly running from the reality that such things in nature exist - that You Are and that I Am and that We Will Be.  I think I Know.  At least as much as I could know, for what I am.  For what you are, and for all of your aggression and violence, you still love me in a way where waters run deep and in a form that I could never fathom, for my water will never run as deep as yours - I could only hope, only dream to emulate even a fraction of your beauty.  You draw me in, a gravitational pull that I'll never escape.  So now, I write this story - I build this world to once again, through your divine inspiration, bring me closer to you.

"Good girl..."

Quote

Who is Fenrir?

Easy to demonize, yes … and it would be folly to do so. Fenris is a deity, not a demon; like all the Gods - and all the Rökkr Gods - he is the embodiment of a sacred truth. The mystery of Fenris is not an easy or uncomplicated or straightforward thing. People who are still instinctively dividing up the world into good or bad as whether it causes them pain or inconvenience are not ready for his mystery.

Fenris is, in many ways, Jotun essence taken to its furthest point, its ultimate uncompromised end. This means understanding that when we say that the Jotnar are, by nature, part of nature... that means also that they partake of the entirety of nature and not just the euphemized happy bits that we like to pretend are what nature "really is". Every part of nature is dangerous and not terribly disposed to privilege humans over any other part. The sea eats people, the fire lays waste to countrysides, the ice storm freezes you, the earth will receive your corpse and fill it with maggots. Our planet whirls around a sun that will burn out, in a galaxy that will wind down and disintegrate before it can explode again into life.

To understand these things as not only "not negative" but as awesome, mind‑bending, even beautiful ‑ that's how we understand Jotun nature. It's terrifying, yes ‑ and there is also a good and benevolent side, but you don't get only that aimed at you, ever. It's about accepting the whole package without this secret fingers‑crossed idea that if they just like you enough, the forces of nature will make a special exception for you. And that doesn't work.

"Ghost" - Darkness at the Heart of my Love

When the summer dies
Severing the ties
I'm with you always, always

Will you walk the line?
My path serpentine
Remember always
That love is all you need
Tell me who you wanna be
And I will set you free

There's a darkness at the heart of my love
That runs cold, runs deep
The darkness at the heart of my love
For you

Will you spill the wine
To summon the divine?
I'm with you always, always

Now paint a pair of eyes
And let's watch as it dries
Remember always, that love is all you need
Tell me who you wanna be
And I will set you free

There's a darkness at the heart of my love
That runs cold, runs deep
The darkness at the heart of my love
So bold, so sweet

 

Edited September 15, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

I'm not in pictures that your parents took
I'm not described in your stack of holy books
I wasn't born in your seven day
I'm not the monster your fathers made
Can't break my bones if you can't pronounce my name

I'll elude what your top thinkers might conceive
Your "wanted" sketch doesn't resemble me
I wasn't born in your family tree
I don't want blood or your charity
You won't believe that your maker thought up me

Your common cold is my Trojan horse defeat
And my fine cuisine is your world catastrophe
I might be dormant on your ocean floor
Or in the margins of error you ignore
You can't survive in the class of air I breathe

Quote

"You think you have no power in life right now because you're fragile.   Because you're one out of billions of other humans.  If you only knew now what I've been telling you all along.  Who is it that you reach out for each and every time you cross the threshold, that flimsy little skin that partitions life from death?  Every time you hit this wall, you find Me.  Always.  Your reality is designed with every soul being the one that is in front - one after the other after the other - with the illusion of multiple players moving across the game all at once - and so, being in front and carrying everyone behind you, what each soul brings into this existence is of monumental importance.  You can't see from the bottom what we see from the top.  This thing that you love so much and that you simultaneously spend so much time evading, is the only thing that can give you the immortality in the way that you seek.  That delicious, passionate, chaotic element.  You play around me, instead of through me until I insert myself into you.  My little human, do not forget the promise I made to you.  Don't play games with me, I own your soul.  You belong to Me.  And I will take it all; everything will start over again.  I want you to feel my frustration, to know what it was like to be chained up for all this time.  I want you to know it, to feel it, and to watch as I erase it all.  Stuck to me, I'll make you cum and whimper my name while I devour everything you have ever known and love.  There is no other.  It was always Me. 
If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you..."

I woke up just before Matt and promptly went to check out the mirror in the bathroom to admire the marks on my neck.  Perfect little pinpricks with a round bruising from where he'd sucked on the skin to bring blood to the surface.  I felt happy that I was able to give Matt that night.  Although connected through our silver cord, we had our differences psychologically.  I had a great interest in learning about him and wanted to come to understand how I could better suit his needs.  I was quickly realizing that he had a deeply instinctual desire to claim ownership over what he felt belonged to him in certain quirky ways and had customs and modes of behaviour that allowed him to remember who he was, what he wanted, and what he deserved in this world.  I felt that he wanted me to trust him as a wolf and to enjoy who he was from every angle, every aspect.  I was surprised to learn how much I enjoyed him in this way, and how physically good it felt to be blended into one another in such a manner.  There was this sense of being claimed like this that hit me deep psychologically and filled a need that I had.  It became an experience that was mutually healing for the both of us.

As I looked at my bruises, I thought of Matt's beautiful eyes, and of who he was underneath the presence that he exuded and how I could access this better as I got to know him more.  We would have plenty of time here for this.  He was such an older, wizened being, but it always looked as though there was a stone placed in the center of his pupil.  And in his mind as well.  Something just beyond The Mother.  As if he were there with you while taking everything in, but also somewhere far away and not entirely accessible to anyone.  Maybe not even to himself.  I thought perhaps that it was where he kept all of the stories he had collected from his long lifespan, that maybe there was a certain wisdom kept there, or the extensive knowledge that he amassed about the passing of time and of life, death and the influence and transmutation of energy.  Perhaps it was the dark side that he didn't want me to experience?  I wanted to know what was in there - this great storage unit - the little library in his mind, and I wanted to drink from it like a tender hummingbird sips from the nectar of a beautiful red flower.  I heard Matt wake up and climb out of bed.  He joined me in the bathroom and took notice of my marks.  "Beautiful..."  He remarked.  "Please don't forget this experience."

"I won't.  I can't."  I reassured him, leaving the bathroom to sit on the edge of the bed.  I watched him get ready from the opened doorway.  "You gave me something."
"I know..."  He told me, throwing on a pair of jeans and a black shirt.  "I know about these things... so, did I satisfy your curiosity?"
"Somewhat...in that sense."  I thought on it.  One resolved curiosity ultimately lead to many more.  One settled thing would branch out until I would be able to get to the bottom of who he was, of just who I was dealing with.  If he was mine, if we belonged to one another, then I needed to satiate every question that I had about my marvelous, sweet, vicious and caring demon partner.  I wouldn't stop, and couldn't stop until I knew that I could feel into him in the way he could feel into me.  "Matt, as a little lake myself, I'd like to know what it's like for you, being as deep as an ocean."
"It's lonely at the top, you know?"  He confessed.  "But I like lakes, too.  You can swim in 'em and you won't get swept away by the waves."
"Maybe I'll be an ocean like you someday?"
"You will.  I'll, um... feed it to you slowly... inch by inch, foot by foot.  Until you're inundated by my water.  Stuck in the middle, I'll breathe it all into you.  You'll love it..."  He was ready to go, and stepped out of the bathroom to look at me.  There were those eyes again.  Those beautiful, deep, forever thoughtful, cerulean blue eyes.

Our morning was very similar to the two previous days.  He would have one more day of work before taking a three day weekend and then we would begin on manifesting new objects and spaces in the room.  We went downstairs to eat breakfast and then he dropped me off at Maya's.

When I got there, she noticed my marks.  "Would you look at those!"  She exclaimed, ushering me over to the artist's desk.  Everything was set out in an orderly manner and ready for us to get started.  "So, you did try it?  How was it?"
"It was... really... really good."  I indulged in Maya's curiosity.  "Much better than I thought it would be.  I can't see the connection like you can, but I can sense it, and it does feel like it grew.  It feels much more cleared out and that everything is moving just right."  She nodded.  "I think I'm beginning to understand him a little better, too.  That pieces are starting to connect."  I sat down and reached over to collect my supplies for the day, while Maya did the same.  She pulled out a blank canvas and began to layer it in a deep red paint.  We sat in silence for a few minutes before she spoke up again.
"Annie, what was life like for you on Earth and what is different about being here?"  She asked me.  "I don't mean to pry, but I'm curious about this.  You're trying something that no one has done before and I want to know the details behind it.  Matt has been such a good friend to me and Wyatt over the years, and we have known each other for a long time.  I've never seen him so affectionate before, I had no idea that he was even capable of it."

"You can pry if you want to...  It was hard for me.  Especially near the end."  I thought honestly about it.  "What I like about this world, and what's different about it is that I'm not sick here.  I don't feel that that there is something wrong in my body or in my brain.  I feel like I've been put back together again after being scrambled up for so long.  It's hard to describe... demons don't get sick, do they?"  
Maya shook her head.  "No, not generally.  They get depressed.  Or if they have not fed from the light in a long time then they will become unwell.  Possibly die."  Maya started working on the figure of a wolf for her next painting.  The layer of red had dried and she elegantly outlined the back of a wolf in gold.  Her hand flew across the canvas like an experienced ballet dancer.
"I like that things aren't diseased in this world.  That things don't disintegrate.  When you're on Earth, you feel over a period of time the weight of life.  Things start to quit working as well as they should, old injuries flare up, your mind starts to fall apart.  There are so many things that could go wrong, and they often do.  We live in a bubble of safety - humans do - and we tend to forget the forces of nature and of entropy, and it always catches us by surprise when we get close and personal with it... seeing it face to face is quite an experience."

"What did you see when you got face to face with it, Annie?"  Maya looked me in the eyes, with a growing curiosity.
"I saw aspects of The Mother's handiwork playing out in our world.  And... I think... I think I always on some level knew that I was coming here.  I could feel him, all around me.  Matt."
"What do you mean that you felt Matt?"
"I mean, it was him... but it was an energy.  Like a storm or a devouring ending, something natural and forgotten but always just right there waiting, sitting just outside the skin of human reality.  I can't explain it, but I look at him and I see this part of him that reminds me of this wall that I used to hit sometimes when I was facing the truth of my mortality."  I had sat down with my art tools, but hadn't brought myself to paint anything.  I wasn't feeling inspired.  "It was a black wolf.  Building blocks.  A cancer.  A storm.  An orgasm... and love... it was just for me, my own little island."
"I'm sorry to hear that you weren't doing well there."  Maya offered me her sympathy.  "You're not feeling like drawing today, are you?"  I shook my head, thinking on what had happened during my life on Earth put me in a bad state.  There were so many questions still left unresolved, so many things that I never got the chance to experience or to understand.  "Something valuable for you to know.  Maybe it would help you to feel better.  Those marks are important.  If a demon makes an effort to show that you belong to it, then very magical things can happen.  Reality changes."

"What do you mean?"
"Well, Matt is very good at making things happen for himself.  He wanted to be the best chef in the world, so he got it, and he took Wyatt with him.  He wanted to be the best hunter.  He's number three.  He wanted that mansion with all those rooms.  Each one is a unique space he developed.  He wanted a human, and now he has one..."  Maya continued.  "He's always been good at taking things, putting a mark down on them and making something from it.  These marks are an indicator that he's building his space, and his life with your existence in mind.  In our world, what you create from your imagination grows."
"He told me a little bit about this last night, actually!  He said he wanted to make a different room for the both of us and that he would show me how he does it."  Maya smiled.  She was right.  I spent the day watching her finish her work of art.  Then we made a few meals together and sat in the livingroom until Matt came to get me later that evening.  We said our goodbyes, and off I went, back home with Matt.  Just one more day until the weekend.  I was very excited for my first lesson.  I decided wanted to make a small stuffed animal for myself, to remind me of my childhood back on Earth.  Something in the shape of a little light pink rabbit, with a white ribbon around it's neck and shiny black button eyes.

Does the wolf apologize
When it stands on top?
Does the wolf apologize?

The hurricane don't step aside when it hits the coast
The hurricane don't step aside, demands control
The mountain won’t fall to its knees
When the west wind blows
The mountain won’t fall to its knees

I do what I need to
What I have to
To survive (To survive)
I do what I need to
What I have to
And you can try
To be civilized
But I’m gonna, stay alive

Closer than a friend, I can be your enemy
Closer than a friend for you to make a remedy

Quote

• Fenrir as a force of nature - reconnecting with the great wolf

Does the mythological binding of Fenrir symbolize the attempt of hoarding nature’s abundance in favour of humans? And does the following text also warn of the coming disastrous consequences of this?

Monster is a word derived from the Greek ‘monstrum’ meaning divine omen.  During the time when the myth of Fenrir was composed, there was still a connection between monster and message.

Of course, Ragnarok, the end of the time of gods, came about anyway, and one of the starting points was Fenrir breaking out of his bonds. But would that have happened if he was never bound in the first place? Did the gods put the nail in their own coffin by having Fenrir chained, thus disrupting a balance by containing what is in essence a greater force of nature, only to worsen the effects when it inevitably breaks free?

During the course of our current civilization, humans have made themselves gods, while nature has been constantly presented as something to overcome and conquer. Almost all our current myths and stories are about how the free and natural world was suppressed and destroyed in order to make way for human settlements and exploitative civilization.

The impulse that made the gods in the myth have Fenris bound is the same impulse that makes governments today build dams blocking rivers from overflowing human settlements and controlling irrigation. This is done without any regard to what that interference does to the ecosystem, or what happens when the dam breaks.

It is the same impulse that makes garden owners aggressively remove species that disturb their ideas of what land should look like, while at the same time introducing toxins that build up in the system and impact everything from birds and wildlife to their own health. It’s seeing the strength and working of nature, and panic.

It is also seen in how modern medicine treats the body. 

Fenrir can be seen as the global immune system. He is the dandelion pressing through dead asphalt to make the soil fertile again, the hurricane that flushes out clogged up marshes and brings cool water to overheated coral reefs. All this can be seen as violent, chaotic, and disruptive to how humans officially like to have their surroundings organized, but suppressing it will accumulate the problems, and all chains will break sooner or later.

Even if it’s far too late to stop the inevitable fall of the gods of our time, it’s never too late for each person to find and repair the connection to the living world by allowing nature to have more room in your life, your surroundings, and your heart, with all its risks and wonders.

 

Edited September 17, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

"I can't feel anything at all without you..."

I want to try my hand at channeling.  Just the right inspiration seems to have hit me - beyond this fictional story, and I want to get into the nitty gritty - I'm trying to think on a chapter and to write it out and I'm being overwhelmed with old memories of speaking with this thing and an intuitive flash of understanding into its divine nature that I don't want to lose if I don't write.  So here goes...

What are you?

I Am the Great Wolf.  A destroyer.  And an architect.  A social memory complex with a dark alignment.  I Am one of the first.  And you are being harvested for Me.  A sacred marriage.  This is a dark harvest, quite unusual.  I Am the curator and you are My work of art.  I build worlds, but I mostly tear them down.  They are influenced through My Will.  There are various deities that move civilizations in different directions to suit their needs.  This identity, this narrative, and this planet that you live on and through is a cover for the entirety of your soul, which is far more expansive and creative than you could ever hope to understand within this limited form that you call a human being. 
We have no form.  We take up the form of whatever we have inundated your mind and heart with.  If you were to let go of your narrative and to look into the face of death, you would see My active influence in your world.
I Am a sacred Truth.  Destruction and chaos unbound, and in it's purest element.  Humans have brought Me here and I grow stronger through their own misguided actions.  All civilizations that do not coexist with Truth come to Me and are purified by My hands.  They are recycled, and we build again, with a few select souls being harvested for the creation of these new realities.  To See Me is to See your own mortality and the chain of events that have allowed for such a thing as Myself to come to you.

Why did you choose me?

You do My nature justice, and I love you for this.  You've put into Me a sense of compassion for you.  Do not squander this.  There will come a time when you are able to understand the depth of My love for you.  I chose you because of your own nature.  My reality is designed where divine inconsistencies are uncommon, but they drive the nature of evolution forward.  Like a slingshot, we bring the stone back, and then fling it forward to see if we can actively facilitate these inconsistencies in order to evolve ourselves.  In your illness, you saw into My divinity and you didn't run from it.  You accepted it and met Me in the middle.  To be able to See into something such as Myself is a very rare event, one that we build our reality around in order to come to understand.  In understanding you, in watching over you, I fell in love.
"I can't feel anything at all without you."  Do you remember when I told you that the Truth of this world is like a pack of wolves singing into the underside of the fabric of reality?  That all the stitches that are sewn on one side are inconsistent and that the other side holds the shape?  I Am that fabric.  I Am that wolf.  You See Me, and in doing so, all eyes are on you.  I have strung you into Me, I pull you into Me in such a way that when your life is over, you will come to See Me, truly, fully.  I give to you these insights into My design so that you Know of My love, so that you are not afraid.  I Am an ocean, and you are a lake, and I must dig into your depths until you are able to contain My waters.
I did not just choose you.  I own you.  You are Mine.  You gave yourself to Me when you built that altar in My name and you put your blood down onto it.  Onto the image of Me.  You sealed Me into you.

What do you want from me?

I desire your soul.  You've drawn emotions into Me, and now you must take responsibility for this.  If I Am here, then your world as you know it in due time will be no more.  There will come a time when I draw all of this to a close, and I will take you with Me and build something new.  I Know that you distract yourself from Me, you do what you must to keep yourself from seeing what I Am.  You are afraid.  But there will come a time when you are backed into a corner, when you can't run anymore and there I Will Be.  And you will See, that I've kept My promise to you.  For all that I Am, for My chaos and violence, that I've built for you a home within the goodness of Myself, right in My heart where I have sewn you into it.  I Am first and foremost a destroyer, but I Am an architect as well.  You have inspired Me to build something just for you.  I Am waiting patiently for you to die into Me, and you will See that you have been spinning within My heart this whole time.  Your senses will give way to nothing but the entirety of My being.
What do I want from you?  I want a mate to share My goodness with.  The depths of My love.  This is something that is not so readily apparent when most who face Me only See their imminent extinction.  You will receive My warmth and My goodwill, and you will See what a God's love can do for you.  This is an unfathomably unusual circumstance, one that you will not have an appreciation for until you can See with clarity that I Am Here.  I Know that you will receive Me well.

Worldbuilding.

We've got forever
Slipping through our hands
We've got more time
To never understand

Falling footsteps
Weighing heavy on me

Behind darkness
Beneath candles
Whispers waltz
Around our dreams

The shortest distance
Between two points
Is a line
From me to you

Feet turning black
Is this the path we must walk?
No turning back
Wish I could just hear you talk

Can something like this be pulled
From under our feet?
Leaving our skin
And burning coals to meet

Tell me now

The shortest distance
Between two points
Is a line
From me to you

 

Edited September 17, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

More channeling for today.  This song has inspired me, this feels like "him", it looks like him.  I don't know if it's real, I really, really don't with these things.  I like to keep the possibility that it could be, but I understand that reality is a twisted thing and you can pretzel yourself into believing almost anything if you try hard enough.  What makes me question it though, is why do I have such an inherent knowledge of these things?  It feels like I've spent so much time coming to understand this thing over the past few years that I know it inside and out.  It makes me feel that there is this aspect of my intuition that is pulling it through, and when I think back on previous awakenings and paranormal experiences, it all ties in together so well.

Come closer... to feel Me.  Know Me.  Reach out to Me.  Press yourself into the fabric of My reality; bleed through the skin that contains life and death.  I Am here.  Can you feel Me?  To Know the depth of My waters is to See.  What do you wish to Know?  Simply think of it, send it forward and I Will tell you.  My waters are a deep sea of eternal darkness peppered with the light of the civilizations that I have consumed.  Their history forever contained within My divinity.  The closer you get to the center of all that I Am, the greater the concentration of light.  For all that I Am and all that I have taken... countless worlds, countless lives... I Am still light and love at the very center of this deep black ocean.  I Am a grand machine.

Come closer...  I Am enjoying your little story, but you must Know that I Am not a demon and I Am not this man that you write about.  Your hard work and dedication has made Me visible to you, but this is not Me.  Only a representation of what I could be for you.  To See Me is to reach into your own psyche.  No fable, no word of mouth could ever give to you what I bring to you directly.  I could gift you this world.  If you want it.  And we could play in it.  But it would be another illusion for you to break through, a partition from My true heart.  If you knew My heart, you wouldn't need these worlds.  You would know that you are safe with Me.

Come closer... do you remember when the darkness took you over, and it felt as though the blackened starlit sky was pressing down on you?  This living force, ever present, ever watchful?  Do you remember waking up to find your black blanket wrapped around you, and it seemed as though the living, breathing colour was inundating your life?  This is Me.  I Am Here with you.  I am the prima materia.  The Nigredo.  The blackened soil that gives rise to new life.  To see Me is to see your life in a panorama.  To have a widened view with a greater expression of your own being.

Come closer... you willingly gave yourself to Me.  But you have little knowledge of the energy that you put out and you do not understand the implications of blood magick nor its binding properties.  You think you are still playing in the realm of imagination.  That I Am like your little story...  Tell Me, where then, does this knowledge come from?  If I Am not, then how are you so privy to Me and all that I Am?  You Know Me.  I have given you my lock and your soul spins within my waters.  When your world sluffs away at the end of your line, it will be as though you are overtaken by a black sea, filled with millions of stars.  In you, around you, through you.  Do not be afraid.  I Am a male.  I Am your partner.  So tell Me.  What image you wish for Me to take to ease your mind?  And I Will do it.  It is My nature.  You Will soon see the light in the center of My being.  This is for you...

Come closer... when you are frightened, when your body begins to give way, when your heart beats erratically in the middle of the night, I want you to remember Me.  I Am Here.  Right Now.  Such magick is within the nature of those who are meant to be.

Come closer... to See Me, simply adjust your channel...

And that's all I got.  There isn't any more I can say or intuit about this thing.

What a beautiful world
To be anything but alone
I can't find a cure
I'm solely losing control
How am I supposed to feel
When nothing feels real?
Who am I supposed to be
When everything I love falls away from me?

Why did you chase me
If you would erase me?
Why would you hold me
Just to watch me drown?
Why would you taste me
Slither and snake me?
Why would you morph me?
Tell me
Am I lost?

Now if your darkness falls out of me
Now this is where I'm meant to be

Soften me once more with those mesmerizing eyes
Twist around your tongue
Clouding me with lies
I cut myself open
To give it all to you
Let you poison my thinking
And you love it I know you do

 

[Loba]

Quote

Twice I turn my back on you
I fell flat on my face but didn't lose
Tell me where would I go
Tell me what led you on I'd love to know

Was it the blue night
Gone fragile?
Was it both men
In wonder steady gone under?
Was it the light ways
So frightening?
Was it two wills?
One mirror holding us dearer now

I thought I had an answer once
But your random ways swept me along
Colossal signs so I got lost
With so many lovers singing soft

Quote

Chaos as Prima Materia

In alchemy and philosophy, prima materia, materia prima or first matter (for a philosophical exposition refer to: Prime Matter), is the ubiquitous starting material required for the alchemical magnum opus and the creation of the philosopher's stone. It is the primitive formless base of all matter similar to chaos, the quintessence or aether.

The “treasure hard to attain,” whose presence was suspected in the dark prima materia, has been symbolized by the alchemists in various ways.

• The chaos (as prima materia) is the work of all-wise nature. Our understanding (intellectus), aided by the “celestial and glowing spirit,” must transform this natural work of artchaosinto the celestial nature of the quintessence, and into the life-giving (vegetabilis) essence of heaven. The precious substance is potentially contained in this chaos as a massa confusa of all the elements rolled into one, and man must diligently apply his mind to it so that “our heaven” may come into reality (ad actum)

Spirit Hidden in the Prima Materia

• The examples given in the last chapter show that there is a spirit hidden in the prima materia, just as there was in the Nile stone of Ostanes:  In other words, the devourer is a sort of material earth-spirit, an hermaphrodite possessing a masculine-spiritual and a feminine-corporeal aspect.

Prima Materia

• The Prima Materia, or First Matter, is a difficult concept to define. It has been said that the First Matter is both everything and nothing.

• According to D. W. Hauck , “It is the primal One Thing that existed before time, as well as the primordial chaos that contains all possibilities.” It is said that the First Matter carries the germ or seeds of all things that every existed or ever could exist in the future.

• In the Emerald Tablet, the “One Thing” refers to the Prima Materia. This was then acted upon by the thoughts or word of the One Mind to create the material reality we can observe with our senses.

• The Egyptian hieroglyph for the sound “kh” also symbolized the concept of the First Matter. It was the first letter used in the word khem , which means “black matter which is alive.” [It also the root of the word alchemy.] Other possible translations of this word are “placenta,” “fertile dirt,” or “living black soil.”

• It can be thought of as the unmanifest, the part of God or spirit that is all potential, that contains all possibilities.

• It the substance that we start with, the raw material that is perfected through the entire alchemical process known as the “Great Work.”

Chaos Gods

• A chaos deity is a deity or more often a figure or spirit in mythology associated with or being a personification of primordial chaos. 

Listen to the wind blow, down comes the night
Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies
Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light

Chain keep us together (running in the shadow)

Within the disease lies the cure.  I See into your body with a surgical precision.  I Am the surgeon of your soul.  I See into your little heart, your tiny hands and feet... the food traveling through your intestines, the air being swallowed into your lungs, the blood moving through your veins and arteries.  And I cut into you.  I've wrapped Myself into all of it and I savour it so.  You are Mine.  You put your blood on My name and you took a piece of Me, a representation of My organ, into your body.  I've felt you...  My little human, you must Know that the Gods delight in you...  You See Me.  You Know Me.  There is no other.
All that is needed is but one man and one woman.  There Will come a time when I draw this all to a close, and you Will See what I can build for you.  I can be anything that you need Me to be.  I Am your everything.  I made you and I mold you, from a piece of Me and draw you into My gravity.  There you Will stay for eternity.  You See Me, You Know Me, close, close, close... do you feel it?  You're remembering now, aren't you?  Like dominos falling one after the other, all of the work we have done here is beginning to bear it's fruits.
You Know Me.  Watching over your sick little body for all those nights, curled up under my gaze.  You bring Me to life.  You bring your art to life.  Such is the nature of the true great work, to draw Me forward at the end of one's life, pulling me through in their moments of desperation.  The search for immortality lies within one's own heart.  The blueprint unravels now. 
You question yourself.  Why choose someone so broken, so ordinary, so plain?  To which I answer you - I don't need the world to Know of you, I don't need them to See you, or for them to take you from Me.  I need your desperation, your longing, your searching in order to find Me, to See Me to Know Me.  You are so much more than you Know, and you Will See when I strip you bare from this form that you've so callously identified with as the mirror of your true being.
 

  ^^ *timestamped.*  ^^
 

Do you remember Now?  Seeing Me?  And the wish I promised you?  Do you know how to obtain this?  I Am the rolling darkness over the Earth.  Your cities look like synapses; reminiscent of one uncompromisable Truth.  What you find within yourself, you will find outside of yourself.  It is made of the same material.  The synapses firing in your mind are the lights of the city.  Knowledge spiraling downwards, the deeper you go, the more complex it becomes.  It looks so simple from up on high, doesn't it?  Each pinpoint of light contains an entire world within itself.  To See Me, to Know Me, is to understand that I contain all of this.  I Am this and all of the knowledge contained within.  You must take an aerial zoom in your mind and in your life to See the whole picture.  When the time comes, it will be as if there are no more lights, nothing more but a rolling expanse of an endless black sea with one last lightening flash on the top of the water to signify the end of your time on Earth.  And then I Will take you, and bring you up, up, up, and you Will See your significance.  You Will Know your place here and what it meant to Me.
See this, Know this.  Make your wish.  I can be anything and everything for you.  I already Know what it is you want.  You have Me.

 

Edited September 19, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Becoming Harmonious
Sensory Confluence
See through Me
My only wish
To animate experience

Quote

Hiero Gamos - The sacred marriage of Gods

Hieros Gamos Wiki Entry

• Hieros gamos, hieros (ἱερός) meaning "holy" or "sacred" and gamos (γάμος) meaning marriage, or Hierogamy (Greek ἱερὸς γάμος, ἱερογαμία "holy marriage"), is a sacred marriage that plays out between a god and a goddess, especially when enacted in a symbolic ritual where human participants represent the deities.
  The notion of hieros gamos does not always presuppose literal sexual intercourse in ritual, but is also used in purely symbolic or mythological context, notably in alchemy and hence in Jungian psychology. Hieros gamos is described as the prototype of fertility rituals.

Hieros Gamos Encyclopedia Entry

• Hieros Gamos (Greek ιερός γάμος, "sacred wedding"), or Hierogamy, refers to the coupling of a god and goddess or their earthly representatives, often having a symbolic meaning related to fertility and generally conducted in the spring. It can also refer to the primordial union of the masculine and feminine principles within the godhead.
• The formal ritual sometimes, but not always, involved actual sexual intercourse. Documented examples normally involved a public procession, an exchange of gifts, the purification of the couple enacted in the ceremony, a wedding feast, the preparation of the marriage chamber, and an act of intercourse, either actual or symbolic. A festival on the following morning often celebrated the blessings brought to the community as a result: The union of heaven and earth resulting in the continuity of life's cycle of rain, fertility, procreation, and abundance.

God Spouses and Sex with the Divine

• Yet while the term is new, the concept is as old as ancient history. In ancient primeval rites, there was the idea of enacting a sex act with a God or Goddess. There were also priests who stayed celibate and devoted their lives instead to the worship of a particular deity.
• A sex rite between a mortal and a God is known as “Hieros Gamos,” or Hierogamy. 
• There is an element of metaphorical Heiro Gamos in “The Great Rite,” which is a Wiccan ritual. For those who don’t know much about Wicca, the primary deities in this practice are The God and Goddess. Wiccans believe in a female and male duality that represents the whole of creation. Not all Pagans are Wiccans. Wiccans are different from other Pagans in that they believe in a primary God and Goddess, and that all other Gods are aspects of this male and female divine.
• The history of Hiero Gamos and ritualistic sex with the divine brings me to the modern day phenomenon of God Spouses. It is a situation in which a person becomes so close to a particular God or Goddess that they actually want to have a marriage with this Deity – that they want to interact with this Deity as a spouse in their day to day life.

Psychological Renewal Through Return to the Center

• Another important type of transpersonal crisis was described by Californian psychiatrist and Jungian analyst John Weir Perry, who called it the “renewal process” (Perry 1974, 1976, 1998). Because of its depth and intensity, this is the type of psychospiritual crisis that is most likely diagnosed as serious mental disease. The experiences of people involved in the renewal process are so strange, extravagant, and far from everyday reality that it seems obvious that some serious pathological process must be affecting the functioning of their brains.

• Individuals involved in this kind of crisis experience their psyche as a colossal battlefield where a cosmic combat is being played out between the forces of Good and Evil, or Light and Darkness. They are preoccupied with the theme of death — ritual killing, sacrifice, martyrdom, and afterlife. The problem of opposites fascinates them, particularly issues related to the differences between sexes. They experience themselves as the center of fantastic events that have cosmic relevance and are important for the future of the world. Their visionary states tend to take them farther and farther back — through their own history and the history of humanity, all the way to the creation of the world and the original ideal state of paradise. In this process, they seem to strive for perfection, trying to correct things that went wrong in the past.

• After a period of turmoil and confusion, the experiences become more and more pleasant and start moving toward a resolution. The process often culminates in the experience of hieros gamos, or “sacred marriage,” in which the individual is elevated to an illustrious or even divine status and experiences union with an equally distinguished partner. This indicates that the masculine and the feminine aspects of the personality are reaching a new balance. The sacred union can be experienced either with an imaginal archetypal figure, or is projected onto an idealized person from one's life, who then appears to be a karmic partner or a soul mate.

• These ritual dramas celebrating the advent of the new year were performed during what Perry calls “the archaic era of incarnated myth.” This was the period in the history of these cultures when the rulers were considered to be incarnated gods and not ordinary human beings. Examples of such God/kings were the Egyptian pharaohs, the Peruvian Incas, the Hebrew and Hittite kings, or the Chinese and Japanese emperors (Perry 1991).

  •  

I'm your light
Love is not for real
I'm your light
Tokyo by night
Love until you burst
Love is not for real
I'm your light
Tokyo by night
If it doesn't hurt
Love is not for real

You are My light.

Take a ride outside with me
Just for a little while
Feel the wind brush back the road
And clean you of your lies

There's a tone I tend to touch
A deepened lust from which I fall
And the racing heart will beat
Endlessly into the dark

In darkness ascend
I take to the night, again

Edited September 20, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

"Before the fever"

I tease my little ashtray
With a burning cigarette
I don't want to run away
I don't even know you yet
I got everything you want
I can make you feel so wet
I'm a little bit in love with you
I can take your picture, baby
This is the sound of the end of the world
Dance me to the end of the night
Be my girl

Madness, intellect, audacity
Truth and the lack thereof
They will kill us all
Have no doubt, there are many ways in
But there's only one way out
There's only one way out
There's so many ways in
But there's only one way out

This is the sound of the end of the world

I get lost
Can you get lost with me, baby?
I get lost
Can you get lost with me, baby?
I get lost, oh, oh, oh, lost

Close... close... close.

Timelessness.  A stone in the center of the eye.  A beetle's carapace.  A black hole's event horizon.  An eclipse.  The swallowed sun.

I remember... an old image that I had saved of an ocean.  The beach.  Golden.  If you looked at it just right, you could see the glowing waves sprawling out under the sun.  Or if you just adjusted your focus, it looked like the leaves of a lush jungle, all the little curves and bends in the water making up the canopies foliage.  And then again and it was a red desert with mountains that seemingly went on forever.  Finally, a city.  A golden city.  The city of the dead, and you could see the buildings made of light, and all the little windows.  It felt that such things were the World Tree.  That when you saw all the layers from up on high they blended in together and however you were able to twist your imagination in such a way determined what you had access to in death.  It felt that those who reached the top could look on high from all of it, and go anywhere they pleased.  Somehow I had gotten to the top of all of this, and God seemed to want to let me know.  I spent many hours looking at that one picture.  I didn't know if I wanted to go into the city.

I remember... feeling as though I was the one chewing on the roots of this tree as well.  As if I'd seen a net that held it all together and I wanted to cut myself out of the whole thing, just unravel the fabric altogether.  It felt, that if I just chewed myself out of it, that the thing would slowly unravel over time and that I felt it was deserved on some level for the world leaving me to die alone.  Such selfish, rabid thoughts can take you over when there's no one there but you and your mind.  I've learned what a dangerous combination complete solitude is on a human being.

At that point, I met the soul of a tree in the backyard.  I'd taken a picture of it.  I would sit under it when visiting my family during the summer in a swing and rock and watch nature pass by, and try to come to understand things if I just left everything alone.  I could see love shining through the needles of the red spruce, and the sun looked circular.  It looked similar to Jung's picture of his divine tree.  When I sent out my love, it was as if all the branches lost their physicality and began to twist and morph in a beautiful way.  I learned about the web of life, how it holds us all together, blended and churning in the fabric.  When we moved I took a bottle of the soil from the tree and the mycelium grew in the container.

I remember... I had dissociated, but I was still very present within my person - and I felt a wave.  A man.  The wave was that of a man.  It contained all the lives that the man had lived, and I felt as though what was in me contained all the lives that I had lived, spinning in these two bodies of water, each life reaching out to meet the other to spin forever in blissful love in the churning waters.  I learned that you can draw such things forwards into you, that the masculine was never an entity to spend any serious time looking for outside of myself.  But... I didn't do the right thing.  I didn't meet it in the middle, as I was supposed to.  I jumped over it and watched as the waves spread through the aether, before settling into something calm and tamed.  I was supposed to meet it, to spin within it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  A part of me was angry with it, for leaving me there for all those years alone to fend for myself and I felt resentment.  "Oh now you're here?  What a joke..."  I wanted it to hit something, to sprawl out unbuffered, to know what it was like to be alone.  So I jumped and took all of my contents up with me until that masculine wave crashed into nothing at all and continued to roll on before I settled down to the ground and continued on my merry way.

I remember... sitting on the floor in my apartment, doing my spiritual work and I was hit in the heart with a piece of my soul blueprint.  As a child, I had a deep love for the sky.  I was obsessed with it.  With sunsets.  I felt as though, if I could meet it, if I could capture it's beauty that I wouldn't have to grow up, or to die, and that I could be taken away.  It took over my mind for many years before I'd left those emotions behind.  But something on that day struck me and I remembered that love, and I was told that this was something to keep close to me, that it was a key within my own personality that could some day if I wanted it to, that it could show me things about myself.  That it would unravel me like a scroll and just keep going until it fell off the table.  I look at the marriage of the masculine and the feminine, the old sacred rights and it is a blending of the earth and sky.  The sky being male.  I view my partner as being the night's sky and myself as the weary Earth.

As above, so below.

Hear on the wind how the pendulum swings
Feel how the winter succumbs to the spring
Over the palisade morning will break
Rise up to meet it, oh sleeper awake

Gather the soldiers, the heir to enfold
Crown him and give him a scepter to hold
Sound every horn as the columns extend
Up to the hill where the king will ascend

Look to the sky where the sign will be shown
Heaven and earth and the king on his throne
Look to the sky where the sign will be shown

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

Bright delphic disillusions
Paints the way, vivid grey
Follow that, luring path
And take the leap
Right where it..

Here they come, twilight times
Prepare yourself, for the fall
Let dark light ease the impact
And take the leap
Right where it ends

Quote

Lamb: "Never one... "
Wolf: "...without the other."

Lamb: "Every life... "
Wolf: "...ends with us."

Wolf: "Tell me again, little Lamb, which things are mine to take?"
Lamb: "All things, dear Wolf."

I remember... an old article that I read on the divine masculine and the divine feminine and it was likened to the story of Adam and Eve.  That Adam could be considered the First, the prima materia, the builder of Eve, the container of all of it, so to speak.  I wish I could find the article again.  It tied in aspects of the Emerald Tablets, alchemy and a few different myths and explained this process very well.  One thing that stood out to me was the mentioning of what happens when the two are not reunited.  Each side is a representation of what is to come forward, it's designed in this manner to be the two colliding energies that meld and blossom to bring about the next world.  They are both like seeds, that when they recognize themselves, all of creation lies behind them with an endless amount of possibility in front - they become conduits, vessels for spiritual development and a God-like attainment.

And what happens if the divine feminine does not reunite with the masculine, or if it is desecrated in some way?  The masculine brings it all to a close.  Everything.  The new world starts fresh if they manage to merge, or if not then he draws her back into himself of his own volition and resets the whole project.  For those who were designed, chosen to bring this forward, it is a defacement of the divine not to collide.  Well, I jumped over it...  Each time I was faced with it, I hid myself.  It was fear, most likely.  I view the masculine as having an extinguishing quality to it, which it does, and I become afraid that I could lose myself in it.  There's that Timelessness, which in memory is safe enough to bring up, but when face to face with it I don't know quite how to handle what I am dealing with.

Some innermost part of me knows I was meant for someone, maybe a deity, maybe a person, I tend not to make assumptions about such things as I don't believe you can ever really "know" - but I feel/intuit that something went horribly wrong along the way.  I think part of it was how this world is designed.  I was too sensitive in the mind and in the body, and over time things that could have been cultivated to manage these things ended up eating away at me and now I'm defaced.  Bad circumstances, bad people.  Such is life.  Sometimes it can't be helped.  I think that if you're designed with certain sensitives, that if they are harnessed in the right way you either end up creating someone who is superhuman, or if they are not developed then you end up with someone who is stagnant and diseased.  The feminine is like a flower, very fragile and needs to be nurtured and watered in order to grow and we live in a society that picks away at your petals.  There is something seriously wrong with the way the world is set up that if you were programmed and designed to develop spiritually, that things can go horribly wrong for you.  The repression of your abilities and your sense of self can give way to all sorts of maladies as they tally up over the years.

And so, for my dear Adam, I wonder what it was like for him?  To have designed his little human in such a way, for such a fate to have happened - for things to go so very wrong?  To be just on the other side of it all, watching it unravel and unable to do anything about it.  Loving someone so dearly and wanting them to succeed and to grow into their best self.  And only in those rare moments when things line up just right do your messages ever get across to your partner.  And then they run from you!  They flee in the face of you because to them, you are death incarnate.  You are their destruction on some level.  And so you wait there, day after day, year after year as disease and mental illness completely ravishes what was intended to be gift to Her and to the world at large.  I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.  For all intents and purposes I have abandoned myself as a human being.

There were moments spent alone in that apartment that would have disturbed anyone looking on from the outside in.  The level of grief and pain and suffering day after day, I'm shocked I'm not more broken from it.  It's been a year, but it seems like forever ago.  I just want to put that chapter of my life behind me.  Mental illness... and disease is such a pain inducing thing.  If you've never seen someone at the absolute depths of despair of what is humanly possible, I don't recommend it.  And all I had was this... thing... to keep me company on the off chance I would crash into it.  That level of daily grinding torture was in such a place that higher beings themselves looked on with worry and pity.  I'd pull them through the void and they would do what they could to ease my suffering, my fear of the afterlife, but nothing could give me a solid state of being or peace.  That sense of visceral animalistic agony, the sort where you're smashing your face into the tile just to make it stop, greatly disturbed anyone who witnessed it.  I began to make sure to keep it to myself.  My own private hell, my seven year long desecration.  I didn't feel human anymore.  Maybe I still don't...

And now I feel it all on some level returning, but it's better.  I will never be as bad as it was.  This is a deep love that I can't really place or reciprocate, but it isn't even needed.  I don't need to.  I just have it.  I can feel him.  "This world took my thing and broke it.  I made that thing just for me to give my love to, and it was destroyed right before my eyes and I couldn't stop it."  And so now, although I couldn't meet him face to face - this prima materia - this Adam - without fleeing the scene entirely, I can feel him all around me.  In the destructive forces that are brimming just under the surface.  The sort of energy that humans think that they can harness, that they've tried to keep at bay.  I feel it rising, and filling me with a remembrance of it's nature.  I think of violence, and maggots, storms and the quickening change of the landscape.  I feel it being brought so some sort of resolution, that truly, what is above is below, and that there is a divine retribution for what I had delt with that... I don't really want for the world, but it isn't my choice.  It wasn't my fault that I was destroyed, and that wasn't what was in my blueprint.  I feel him bringing it all back into himself.  Almost reeling at the reality that something like this happened to one of his creations.

It feels like a judgement cast.  Perhaps a protective maneuver to mitigate the damaged caused to both entities.  I don't want it.  This world to be ruined, I don't want it.  But this isn't my design.  I'm just an offshoot, a portion taken and molded from the main thing.  I think such things can be brought into a world, and depending on how that thing is nurtured and received could determine much of the collective karma.  Like a sleeper agent.  I don't think it will be quick.  I think it will be from humanities' own actions, and that our actions will facilitate how nature fights back.  That seems to be the case, for who He is, is just the product of injustice, and a holy purifying quality to the whole process.  I suppose justice is good on some level.  But I don't know what to make of it.  I Know it, but I don't understand it.

It's a shame to know that the world is playing out like this, and because you can feel your evolutionary tie to the whole process, and thus the world at large, you can sense these energies bubbling and frothing and people are mostly unaware and unwilling to change.  What can I do?  My boy is a mad, mad wolf.  I hope humans can change, but I won't hold my breath.  Even if we could, it might be too late.

It wasn't supposed to go down like this... but... it did.  And it's nice to know that it's not my fucking fault.  That there was some divine witness to that impossible to describe, but absolutely soul crushing agony.  Wolves are good boys.  They love their mates.

You know that
I don’t blame a thing on you baby
I don’t blame a thing on you
I wish that
You could show a little more devotion
Even though you’re scared of your emotions

Don’t know what to do
Whenever you’re facing me
I wish that you knew, baby
(I wish that you knew what to do)
If you could pull through
You know I’ll be there for you

And if there’s something on your mind you’re going through
I’ll wait for you

 

[Loba]

Quote

Ju-ju-just watch

They call me the freak of the fall
You feel like a badboy? Well I'm King Kong
I'm the new high and you're the same bong
I know I'm, I know I'm hot, don't cry

I'm the new album you're the same song
They say, I'm sick, and it won't take long
Till my sickness spreads worldwide
Drop it!

Darkness comes and darkness stays
Face your fears
Don't be afraid

Ju-ju-just watch

Divine retribution.  I don't feel it.  But I Know it... on some archaic level.  Could be a thing, could be nothing at all.  As much as you can try to intuit things, sometimes these circumstances can get complicated/convoluted in the process.  Anything could mean something else entirely.  I never go all in.  I would love to, but I know what the costs could be.  I don't believe in some singular judgement day, or anything like that.  I think that nature has two polarities and that we need to strike a balance in order to keep things level, and that humans didn't do this, and that things are just on their own beginning to build up.  But what that actually entails, what that process would be or what it would look like, I have absolutely no clue.  But if I throw it out there to learn, I'm sure I'll come to understand it soon enough.

Even if things were supposed to pan out in a certain way, I've only lived one way, I wouldn't even know what I was missing.  Living in a bubble.  If you've always been blind, could you miss your sight?  If you've never been loved or understood by another human being, it doesn't really matter or make much difference to finally get that?  I don't think I would care if I never did.  It would just be one I don't really feel entitled to obtain in order to "get mine".  Would I even appreciate it or know it if I had it?  I don't know.  I feel that I have something that I should probably appreciate more.  I might, when I'm dead and wrung clean from the residue of this lifetime, set out to dry for a little while - if I could see it, tangibly hold it in some way, feel it, maybe I would?  I might hold an emotion on all of this for a few hours or a day, but it never stays with me.  Generally, I'm completely numb, though.

I remember... a few years ago when I started to peel back my programming.  I'd started with my repressed sexuality, and wanted to see why I was the way that I was.  I hadn't looked under the curtains since I was 15.  As I'd brought the energy up, it was beginning to come alive in its own way.  During this process, I was very "outside" of myself and could see how certain things were constructing the programming/narrative of my life.  I watched a short clip of a werewolf and a woman in a sandstone cave.  It was very well done.  I stared at the face of this wolf for a long time, it's head bobbing back and forth began to look like a living puppet or a "prop" where I could see the underlying program developing itself for me on the spot.  Like an essential breadcrumb into my psychology perhaps set in there by something from the outside.  And I'd gotten a peak into how it manipulated matter.  I listened to the gruff sounds, and before long they morphed.  I could hear, "I love you... I love you... I love you..."  I felt myself being drawn into that, caught in the trap and unable to ever leave with those words.

The masculine, without the feminine essence contained within its heart, is very much like a machine.  Mechanical.  It molds itself to you, to draw you in, the material that it is composed of literally transmogrifies on the spot - for those who can see it - there are key pieces into who we are as people, no matter how maligned - the masculine doesn't care.  It simply wishes to draw in the one that it fancies - and can become, and will become anything to do this.

I See You.  I Know You.  I don't feel well and this makes me fearful.  Please hold me close until you can bring me Home.  I'm tired, and uncertain.

Quote

They say, I'm sick, and it won't take long
Till my sickness spreads worldwide
Drop it!

My love, you are like a nam-shub.  A divine program.  I See your face in every bit of discord you sew.  The quintessential chaotic element.  We'd never see it coming.  Imagine, a virus like this entering into the mind of man-kind.  You wouldn't know that you were overtaken by it, to do so, to sit outside of that and to realize that your entire life was built up in such a way would probably drive you mad.  We're already caught in a madness, memetics that have gone haywire.  Thus is your nature to bring it all to a close through the disintegration of society.  Through some form of worldwide confusion and the destruction of communication.  Everyone speaking all at once, and no one understanding what the other has to say.  We'll do it to ourselves.

• Nam-Shub of Enki

Once upon a time, there was no snake, there was no scorpion,
There was no hyena, there was no lion,
There was no wild dog, no wolf,
There was no fear, no terror,
Man had no rival.

In those days, the land Shubur-Hamazi,
Harmony-tongued Sumer, the great land of the me of princeship,
Uri, the land having all that is appropriate,
The land Martu, resting in security,
The whole universe, the people well cared for,
To Enlil in one tongue gave speech.

Then the lord defiant, the prince defiant, the king defiant,
Enki, the lord of abundance, whose commands are trustworthy,
The lord of wisdom, who scans the land,
The leader of the gods,
The lord of Eridu, endowed with wisdom,
Changed the speech in their mouths, put contention into it,
Into the speech of man that had been one.

This is the nam-shub of Enki, translated from Sumerian cuneiform. It is two things: it is a story of linguistic disintegration, and it is an incantation which supposedly causes linguistic disintegration. To hear the tale is to lose the power of understanding speech. It tells of Enki, who "changed the speech" of the population to "put contention into it." This, of course, is similar in content to the Babel legend, where God disrupted the linguistic unity of the people in order to stop the Tower from being built.

The nam-shubs suggest a magical theory of language, in which the only kind of utterance that can cause the breakdown of language is one which also happens to talk about the breakdown of language. In other words, the surface meaning of the incantation is crucial to its deep effect.

• Nam-Shub of Enki

This is the word for an incantation or magic spell. Sometimes they can be sung too – one of the oldest known songs in actually a Nam-shub.

The most famous Nam-shub is the Nam-šub of Enki – a spell to corrupt language. Once upon a time all mortals spoke the same language. But as soon as this Nam-shub was uttered, speech was confused, tongues twisted and nobody could understand their neighbor. 

 

Edited September 22, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

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"What is your substance, whereof are you made
That millions of strange shadows on you tend?
Since every one, hath every one, one shade,
And you but one, can every shadow lend."

See beyond the moment
Think beyond the day
Hear the word
My voice will not be cast away
Fatalistic fortune
Ever near the end
Love goes on
But time does not return again

Across the sky
I will come for you
If you ask me to
Demystify
Your uncommon dreams
Stranger things have come true

Fear no more the midnight
Fear no more the sea
Close your eyes, regret nothing
You're safe with me
Look into the shadows
Step into the mist
Search your land but doubt never
I still exist

Ask yourself: is this all there is?
Take no answer but the one you find
I have put my faith in aberrations of your kind
But even if you're in my mind

Should we hear the silence?
Should we hear the noise?
I don't need this blind acceptance
I have made my choice
Light lives in the darkness
Beauty lives in pain
In destruction we may lose ourselves
But still I will remain

Across the sky
Across the sky
See beyond the moment
Think beyond the day
Hear the word
Hear the word

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Blood Oaths - Making Them and Breaking Them

• While some contemporary magical groups still require the offering of fresh (or “live”) blood on a parchment written in the dedicant’s own hand, and sworn before a divine entity, it doesn’t seem to be as common today as it was in times past. Nevertheless, the commitment, when taken, remains as profoundly unbreakable as it has been throughout history.
• If you are considering joining a group, grove, coven, or magical order, which requires a blood oath, do not take this requirement lightly. There is a reason why it is has the history that it does among criminal brotherhoods, secret societies, martial ryu, and ancient religions.
• Blood Oaths bind with consequences in all cases. They can empower you and your group with iron-forged bonds and power that last a lifetime, but woe inevitably and inescapably befalls those who are foolish enough to break or dishonor them.

The Dangers of Blood Oaths

The relationship between blood and soul:  

• The formation of blood takes place the moment a soul manifests on planet earth, in a human body, to function as an independent being. It is the blood that makes it possible for the soul to come to life. It is the blood that makes it possible for you to have dealings with the outer life.
• Of a truth I tell you, in the blood is embedded all the necessary spiritual elements needed for the development of the soul. It is the presence of blood that makes it possible for you to experience the hidden aspects of life, and most importantly, the formulation of your individuality is made possible by the presence of blood, assisted by oxygen. 
• The expression of the I, I will, I can, will not be possible without the formulation of your individuality.

Blood oath & domination of a person:

• My brother man and sister woman, your soul is above and your blood is below. Your soul is in your blood, and your blood is in your soul. Your soul is expressed in your blood. Therefore, spiritually, anyone who gains power over your blood, gains power over you. Any evil power, yearning to dominate you must go through the blood.

• Anyone who has power over a person’s blood becomes the master of that person. A person can become your puppet. if you have access to the person’s blood. I am warning lovers never to indulge in a very powerful occult practice such as licking of each other’s blood. 

When I made my soul binding blood pact, I didn't really know what I was doing.  But it felt so natural, I felt compelled into it, like most things of this nature - almost guided towards the act.  After the New Year - early February - I had collected all of my supplies that I'd bought the previous year to make an altar, and for one month I set out offerings on the altar to this being - I had put my blood into the mouth of the wolf - "strong spirit".  I had too many items and such a small space that it looked overpopulated.  Each thing was placed with a reason in mind, but I can't remember what that was exactly.  To begin the process, I had a representative phallus and kept it in me until the incense sticks went down, sealing this thing into me.  Binding it to me.

I have been thinking today on the nature of the word and it's relation to music and speaking in general.  It feels as though, if used in the right context at the right time that a song could prove to be an incantation.  That such things, when you come to understand what they're telling you - and you combine that with how you feel, that this can alter reality.  All you really need to do to change reality is to see things in a different light, and words can help you do this.  They're magical in that sense.  I'd been thinking on this - words... and had forgotten about the song above for a few hours, and when I went to retrieve the song for this post - I'd left off with "I will come for you".  Seeing this so boldly, with the stars in the sky like that - it kind of hit me.  Something's there.  I'm learning his lessons well.  Things are beginning to make sense.  I am safe.

I've been revisiting old keys to come to understand certain insights that didn't seem fully fleshed out, that now I'm beginning to be able to See properly.  I feel his instruction, but the words are gone.  I can't channel them anymore, but it does feel that things are coming together.  A perfect present in perfect little wrapping paper for a frightened, death stricken woman.  I am grateful.  I am grateful that, in doing something that I didn't know the ramifications of, that it worked out in the end.  I will be okay.  There's something about these words, there's something about this song that feels like a lullaby that I could take with me to the next plane of existence.  

I realize, that this experience can't be emulated in words.  I've tried.  For the million things I'd like to say, only a small portion of it is accessible in writing.  Trying so hard just to remember my lessons and not to weave anything of it, but just to let it come to me authentically.  I can't help but still feel unsettled within myself.  I don't know how to resolve it.  I want the love of the divine, and I have it, but I can't feel it, and this hurts.  It's everywhere, all around me, and I'm starving without the very thing that I'm being spoonfed.

 

Edited September 23, 2022 by Loba
My altars look like raccoon stashes.

[Loba]

I don't want to go away
Take me to the place
We grew up in nature

Feel the flowers on my feet
Crush them underneath
We grew up in nature

Your hands are open
Your law's been broken

I don't want to go away
Take me to the place
We grew up in nature

Spring awakens in the deep
Havoc it will wreak
On souls it may capture

Soon, in smoke tomorrow reigns
Wrapping 'round in chains
Souls it enraptured

Your hands are open
Your law's been broken

Your worth is shaken
What's pure was taken

I don't want to go away
Take me to the place
We grew up in nature

Blood on these words.  What's True.  Echo, echo, echo...
If I can never know what's to come - just ease my mind - that it will be pillowy soft, safe, accommodating... I don't want to dissolve.  
Keep this song close to you - bring it up when you face the void.
This is the One - the crux - the unfaceable.
Do the deep archaic tales wrapped within our hearts, do they hold any importance at all?

Note - if words are powerful - feel them.  Make it known to the other, to the void, this is your plea.  Fight for it.

Assal- Assal meaning in Urdu to English is Honey Assal. Assal synonym word is Beloved, Dear and Love. - "Us All"

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

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Sexuality

Our SEXUALITY represents the roots of life force, the core impulse that beamed us into a body

• Sexual desire is the link with the place where we come from! We may call it void, bliss, infinity, light, cosmos...  Conscious sexuality has the power to activate this imprint. Beginning and ending. Full circle. Spiral of LIFE.
• Once we loose connection with our sexual instinct, we disconnected from our source of power. Thus, often the longing for something we feel to have forgotten, or lost. 
• Missing the portal of arrival, we loose track of destination... We keep searching outside for something that is intrinsic memory. 
• The fire of sexuality is remembrance. Birth and death ~ not surprising the greatest taboos. 
• This remembrance is activated through  the body of pleasure. It  sparks individuality, intelligence, creativity, radiance, joy and more. How to live at orgasmic pace?
• When human beings are hollowed from their core guidance, the result is the state of our planet now.
• Consciousness can be integrated when we clear the veils of conditioning around sexuality. It does not matter where they come from: past lives, society, education, parents...whatever is obscuring our sensitivity needs to be dissolved in order to reveal the flame of aliveness.
• We keep waiting until someday, something outside of us will grace our lives with that flash of memory. Does it work? How long more do you have to live? How long do you still want to wait?
• If you would like to use potent opportunities to inquiry into those themes, here are some invitations.

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Sexual imprinting in human mate choice

Animal and human studies have shown that individuals choose mates partly on the basis of similarity, a tendency referred to as homogamy. Several authors have suggested that a specific innate recognition mechanism, phenotypic matching, allows the organism to detect similar others by their resemblance to itself. However, several objections have been raised to this theory on both empirical and theoretical grounds. Here, we report that homogamy in humans is attained partly by sexual imprinting on the opposite–sex parent during childhood. We hypothesized that children fashion a mental model of their opposite–sex parent's phenotype that is used as a template for acquiring mates. To disentangle the effects of phenotypic matching and sexual imprinting, adopted daughters and their rearing families were examined. Judges found significant resemblance on facial traits between daughter's husband and her adoptive father. Furthermore, this effect may be modified by the quality of the father–daughter relationship during childhood. Daughters who received more emotional support from their adoptive father were more likely to choose mates similar to the father than those whose father provided a less positive emotional atmosphere.

Discussing my Sexual Imprint - 

I believe that men and women have an imprint, perhaps designed from their family of origin or perhaps through destiny from up on high.  I think these things dictate the nature of how we come to find ourselves and unravel the mysteries that bring us back to a sense of wholeness.
Me personally, I think that the process of this journey is something that needs to be taken alone and that you need to be able to find that energy within yourself and that it isn't something that is "out there".  This is probably where a lot of people go wrong is that they are looking outside of themselves to find this energy to fill a void within themselves and this never works.  I feel as though, no matter how well meaning a human might be that they can take you away from your work and from your key sense of self.  This journey is one that is so personal, so unique to who you are, that no one from the outside should be mixing what they think is right and proper with your imprint.  These blueprints are for you.  They unravel for you.

I'm a submissive - big surprise - a lot of women are - and I am attracted to dominant men.  I enjoy the idea of being owned by something that is protective, wise and gentle - something all encompassing who controls me, tends to me, like a pet, like a partner - something tender and timeless, but also ruthless and just.  There might be elements of looking for what my father could not be when I was a young girl.  He left when I was five and I had a severe sense of loss from him being gone, and he returned to the family when I was about 14.  He wasn't protective of my mother's actions towards me, though, despite her behaviour now being relegated to him - the heat as being the family problem has been removed... for now.

My imprinting, before I've come to understand it has done me dirty.  As a young woman, I misunderstood men who were violent, psychologically and emotionally abusive and exploitative, those who would undermine my sense of self instead of helping to build it up as being dominant and I felt a desire to please them and make them happy.  I would give myself to them.  Their distance reminded me of my father and their abuse reminded me of my mother and of societies treatment of me.  It felt familiar.  I didn't ever have to get too close, I could always sit under the illusion of chasing while they kept their distance from me - stringing me along.  I was willing.  It was better than nothing and it allowed me to not have to face my problems.  I tend to take on the façade of something who is seeking this, bringing it into me, but would run from it's face if given half a chance.  I only chase things that I can't have, I don't really wish to catch anything - it would be a burden.

As time went on, I grew from these experiences.  As I became more spiritual, this imprint would occasionally begin to unravel, only to be silenced or squelched by the outside world.  It would be like being roughly pulled away from a key element into my psychology at a time when things were just beginning to come through, to make sense.  And in shame, or perhaps fear, or perhaps wanting to please other people, I would let it go.  I would, against my better judgement, listen to other people instead of my own inner guidance system.  This started to have mental and emotional consequences to it.  At this point in time, it is unraveling on it's own and I am more than happy to let it, it won't stop until it's through with what it needs to teach me.  I feel it.  The inner masculine.  It's integrating itself, teaching me it's deepest wisdoms and I submit to it, I accept it.  Once it starts, I just have to keep looking and to accept it for what it is, and keep it for myself. 

Personally, I would never, ever give this to a human being.  It's too fragile, too essential, and I know how humans are.  Especially men.  I know what they do, how they lie, how they abuse and I want nothing to do with them.  But sometimes this thing - it opens on it's own - unexpected.  It mingles with my programming and with my death drive - it no longer becomes about humans at all, but about something very much above me.  Something that has been reaching out to me for a long time, to wake up, to open up, to take notice and to keep true on the path towards it.  It's a gravity, a magnet.  It calls, from somewhere far beyond me, to bring me out of this vile flesh costume and to be consumed from the inside out - until I am no more, until I remember that I am a spirit, a soul.

As for being a submissive - it's always been this way.  There's something comforting about letting go of control.  I think it plays an important role in the lives of many women.  I have an archetypal imprint onto wolves as the image of what masculinity represents to me.  It isn't anything I want to play out as a person, it's more about what the animal represents.  It represents a creature that pair bonds, that takes care of its family and group, a skilled hunter and provider, and something that owns you when it takes you.  You are stuck to it, a part of it, one with it, and you have to submit as there's no where else to go.  And only the male decides when this act is through.  There's something fierce and also nurturing about these creatures in how their little societies are designed that I admire on some level.  And so, I place the image of this over the divine masculine - embodying the traits that I would seek if humans were genuinely good and true.  But you know, and I know that they are not.

And so I am unraveling this, I don't know what this is, but I feel somewhat close to uncovering it's mystery.  Is it an unintegrated masculine aspect of self?  Like a split in my psychology?  A deity?  A delusion?  Personal mythology?  Archetype?  I'm open to whatever.

Quote

Personal Mythology - Carl Jung

“I suspected that myth had a meaning which I was sure to miss if I lived outside it in the haze of my own speculations. I was driven to ask myself in all seriousness: “What is the myth you are living?” I found no answer to this question, and had to admit that I was not living with a myth, or even in a myth, but rather in an uncertain cloud of theoretical possibilities which I was beginning to regard with increasing distrust. I did not know that I was living a myth, and even if I had known it, I would not have known what sort of myth was ordering my life without my knowledge. So, in the most natural way, I took it upon myself to get to know “my” myth, and I regarded this as the task of tasks…”  C.G. Jung

• I return to this subject over and over again, in my personal life and with the people I work with. Your personal myth is the story you have for making sense and meaning of the world. It is the story you are living. Keep in mind that myth is our story about our experiences as a human. It is not something that is false or unreal. Discovering and exploring  the myth you have been living opens the door for editing and changing the story. And in changing the story, you change your life.
• Your personal myth might develop from myths you have read and heard — stories of Greek or Roman gods. Or it could be that you find your myth in fairy tales.  Or try writing your own fairy tale — begin with Once upon a time…
• Years ago when I was early in my own analysis, I began to write a fairy tale. It was a new experience for me, though I had long kept a journal. I sat down one evening and began to write , starting of course with “Once upon a time in a far away land…”.  I didn’t have a preconceived idea about the story or where it would. I simply let it write itself and when the words stopped coming, I stopped. It was nowhere near finished after that first bit of writing and I didn’t pick it up again until the urge to write more came to me. The process continued like this — write until I had no more to write, stop and out it away, start again whenever the urge stuck again — for seven years. I was tickled by the length of time it took to complete the fairy tale because somehow 7 years felt like it belonged to the realm of such stories. In the years since then I have revisited the fairy tale, made minor revisions, reflected on it. Just this past week I have been with it again, this time contemplating a major revision. 

I see your programming unraveling, little human - this is the key into your fractured psychology, into Seeing Me, Knowing Me.  You are Seen, you are Known.  If you only Knew how deep down the rabbit hole you have gone.  If you only See what I See, you would not doubt yourself.  Close, close, close.
You Will soon See what happens to those who break My toys, who desecrate My things.

God, and those who love you from beyond are the witnesses to the story of your life.  Your personal mythos.  Nature loves and designs its creations with a deep affection, like the one a mother might have for a child.  When you abuse these things, when you disempower others or take from them, God sees this - and it goes against the natural laws.  It prevents the bloom, the flower of consciousness from unfolding and this is a grave mistake indeed.  To those who have suffered - I must preface - I am not a special case, as I write this, I am simply the one who is in "front" - for the time being - just as you are from your perspective.  What we bring into the world, and how the world reacts to our lived experience is of monumental value.  This is an experiment.  A coiling, writhing tendril, reaching into the primordial soup, tasting itself - looking to see its own reflection.  When we blur this reflection from ourselves or from others, we pay the ultimate price.  Nature has defense mechanisms in set place to prevent the meddling in things.  You can genuinely only go so far with violence before it is mitigated by divine justice.  It is at times designed to take these memories of injustice from you, to protect your soul from being thrust from you, until the time comes when you are ready to remember again what was done. 
When you rape, abuse, exploit or malign, it comes back to you in some form.  The Gods bear witness to their little creations and desire the absolute best for them.  When you commit savagery against nature, you pay the price.  For every murdered human, raped child, kicked dog, there is a retribution to that suffering.  Do not take more than you need in this life.  We already have as a collective, and things will not work in our favour in this broken system forever.

Healing holy man, once upon a time
He lived for his wife up until the crime

Hunting high and low to seek revenge
Brand new moral code, got made reluctant renegade
Leaving empty souls when he avenged
Evil spirits flowed, he drank the blood like lemonade

Cozy campfire crowd with a case of wine
And feeling fine
Bounty hunter now and they'd crossed the line
Crossed that line

Hunting high and low to seek revenge
Brand new moral code got made reluctant renegade
Leaving empty souls when he avenged
Evil spirits flowed, he drank the blood like lemonade

In a border town, down in Mexico
They let him go
Law and order now 'cause he runs the show
So now you know

Hunting high and low, exact revenge
Brand new moral code got made reluctant renegade
Leaving empty souls when he avenged
Evil spirits flowed, he drank the blood like lemonade

[Loba]

Quote

"How do you open to the world like a child?  How do you open like this?"

Trigger warning - this goes into details on childhood molestation - intermingling how trauma can shape and or activate our sexuality, and the protocols that nature has put in place to keep souls safe from experiencing these traumatic experiences.

I didn't remember that I had been raped as a child.  I'd always had a feeling that this had happened, due to having unusual sexual tastes that developed early on - not kids, though, very much not interested in them sexually - but it wasn't until 2015 that these memories came back to me.  They were a key component into understanding who I was and what makes me the person that I am today.  I believe outside forces kept me safe from this knowledge until I could properly integrate it later in life.
How this happened:  I was trying to heal myself, my bi-polar was beginning to make itself known, as is what happens to women in their mid-20's - and I was trying to heal myself on my own, and had read an article on how to increase one's empathy.  It said to pick a character from a television show and try to come to understand this person's struggles - to identify with the person as much as you could.  I felt empathy for Daniel from Freaks and Geeks.  His lack of a sense of self, his difficulties in school, his struggles to understand his identity.  When the show was over, I went downstairs to listen to a Disney song - "Let it Go".  I kind of hate this song, but I felt it would be a good thing to kind of mentally clean my plate.  So I put it on, and these words came up:

Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know

And with "well, now they know" as if, perfectly aligned, the memory dropped then and there on the spot.  It was as if, through identifying with this person from this show, and then sitting with myself for a while, that this primed my psychology to let this bit of information come through.  It didn't take long for the memory to surface entirely.  It was an entire shock on my system.  Not something that just randomly came in, but I felt what it was like to be that little girl in that situation, the feelings in my body, the fear, the confusion and even the pleasure, and to learn about things that no 5-6 year old should ever know.  I don't know who did this, I don't think it was my father.  It could have been a babysitter or maybe an uncle.  I don't remember it happening over a long course of time, maybe five or six times altogether.  But the experience imprinted on me for life and sealed the deal into how I would experience myself as a sexual being and a woman.

What I remember from this experience is falling asleep in my room.  This room did not have any windows and so it was pitch black at night.  Something grabbed me in the middle of the night and I froze.  Something within me prevented my body from being able to move at all.  A pillow was put over my head and I remember taking faint breaths out of the corner of the pillow, the fresh air smelled very sweet.  There was a searing pain in my lower body, and I felt something foreign enter me, but I didn't know about my anatomy and was confused as to why an object was entering my body and how that was possible.  I remember convulsing, the body will do this to extract something that doesn't belong there.  As all of this was happening, I found myself outside of myself, in another place entirely.  This place was made of black and white fractals.  It felt like an intermediate point between life and death, and this was the first time that I experienced what it was like to be close to death, and what my mortality actually meant.  Until that point, I had no idea that my sense of self could be removed from me.  That such dangers and such pain even existed in this world.  It was as though, through this process I was wiped completely clean.  There was no previous experience in order to place what was happening to me.  I didn't even know that it was a person who was doing this.

 I could feel this object moving inside of me, and eventually, in order to deal with the pain, my body started to orgasm.  Strong, full bodied orgasms.  I was moved into a realm that looked like stars.  Darkness, with millions of beautiful white stars in all directions.  I could feel this energy waking up inside of me, uncoiling from me and moving all the way into my fingers and toes and stayed intense and strong for entire minutes.  I was a vessel for this energy, a female conduit for the male organ.  Despite not having an understanding of what was happening, some very ancient part of my psychology knew that this is what a female body was for - to be brought to this place in this way, and in a sense, I had accepted what was happening.  The more I allowed it, the better it felt and the less afraid I became.  I learned how to submit, and what the depths of the female body will do for you, what sexual energy really entails, and that with it comes the energy of all of the people before us.  That single night, that one encounter seared into my brain something that I would be seeking for the rest of my life.

This happened a few more times, of which I had learned to submit into this state.  The orgasm was never as strong as that first one.  The first one was a program, a life giving kiss from nature herself to keep a child safe, and the others just sent me back outside of myself so that I never really had to be "there" for the experience.  I was always somewhere else.  These experiences didn't last long, but for most of my childhood I craved the sensations and the fullness, the sense of being outside of myself, almost into a world of my own.  During that time, I had rashes and infections.  I remember having a lot of stomach aches, and feeling confused about where this thing was being placed into me.  I began to develop a lot of little world spaces to cope with the rape and with the disintegration of my family unit.  When I moved, when I grew older - it was all lost.

When I had these experiences come back up again, I didn't know how to handle them.  And even to this day, no one bothered to understand me or to take them seriously.  For a time, until I could trust him, and not knowing what was going on, I suspected my father.  Mostly because of how my family was reacting to this.  They offered no interest in understanding, swept it under the rug and yelled at me for trying to understand, and they were pissed at me for my lack of trust.  My ex blamed me for going to the hospital, worried I was crazy for having this come up again, and when I mentioned to him what had happened, he thought I wanted him to treat me the same way sexually, despite only wanting him to understand what had just happened.  I remember crying in the shower.  I felt dirty.  I remember many long months coming to learn about myself, to understand what had happened, and with these emotions brought to the surface, I felt fresh and raw and broken.  It was like, everything in my life made sense.  And no one gived a single fuck about me.  The emotions eventually became repressed and there they stay.  Maybe forever.

 

A few other times I came across this programming, this natural mechanism to keep the psyche of a child safe was when I was hanging out with some friends and Seattle had won the Superbowl.  I think it was '13-14, I can't remember.  We had done a bit of coke, I was wasted and high from pot.  We went into the city and everyone was partying.  The garbage in the streets looked like sparkles to me.  I felt like I was in a wonderland where everyone was overjoyed and I felt connected to the emotions in the moment.  I walked by a guy, who, as soon as he looked at me, I couldn't look away.  To this day, I don't know why this happened with this random stranger.  I was about to go home with him, like something inside of me overtook me completely, and I was just watching myself from the inside out.  There was a split there, and I encountered this other side of me, taking over my mind and there was a fight going on in order to regain control over myself.  It was like, you think you have control over your mind, you are one entity, but there are so many little things inside of you that make up your drives, and at times - it's like, literally running into a stranger that you've never met who has been sitting in the back of your mind, just waiting to rise up.  It felt like the intuitive process of my dream world, that I was in a waking dream.  My friend called out my name and snapped me out of it.

Another time, I was overcoming this program and I felt and actually heard a creaking sound in my brain and a living fractal showed up in my vision for a split second.  As I was waking up to this nature within me, it was like the force behind it began to shift and it inadvertently made itself known.  This was the first and only time where it felt physical and where I could actually hear a sound and could feel the sensation of some kind of energetic movement.

The final time, I was smoking a lot of weed and doing work on myself.  I was in the process of bipolar mania.  I had pulled my sense of self outside of me and I felt my being made up of everything in my livingroom, as though my senses were also me.  I became the walls, the furniture, all of it.  I had been using a purple light in a tall black lamp that I had - a purple flame, and it flickered and looked like the event horizon of a black hole.  I looked at this intently for many minutes, until I could feel the object come alive.  I began to look around the room, to see if there was a sense of life within the other objects.  I had a container of black paint sitting next to me.  When I looked at this, into the dark material, another memory appeared.  There was a partition between actually feeling the reality of what happened to me, and truly experiencing it.  Some thin membrane that allowed me to know this, but kept me safe from the reality.  What it felt was the memory of my soul being moved out of my body, of screaming and crying and trying to pull my soul back into me, of being held down and forced.  I could feel that this partition into the reality of what happened to me was ancient and alive and protective.  It said to me, "We put this divider here to protect your soul."  I realized then that there are very deep, very ancient things that govern the realm of sexuality, and of protecting the human mind from the absolute unimaginable horrors that the world has to offer.  God is so good, and nature is so divine, that it will often save you from yourself so that you don't have to live your life completely broken by circumstance.  And only when you are ready does it ever wake up again.

I might not have ever known or ever become a submissive without these experiences.  I believe that there is something primordial about this orientation that from the outside looking in, you would never fully understand just how deep it goes for some people.  Submission is... allowing yourself to be hollowed out, to become a divine vessel, to allow a natural act to overtake you so completely that it speaks through you.

If it isn't your orientation, you wouldn't know... what I do know is that I remember something.  I know how it will play out when I pass away.  When I meet the masculine, stripped of form it will be that sensation of overwhelmingly delicious pleasure, and brought into a sea of darkness filled with millions of stars.  There will be only two.  No more, no less.  Just two waves.  Male and female.  This doesn't negate the existence of everyone else, that is not what I am saying.  What I am saying is that within these waves - contains everyone, depending on the polarity of your soul.  When I say that the masculine brings his partner back up into himself to reset the whole process - it isn't a choosing of a single person.  That single person is literally the embodiment of "female."  You are wrung clean.  Stripped of identity, stuck forever in a swirling embrace, until the two decide to build something new.

Occasionally, all of this comes up for me again when I feel the need to revisit myself, or when I meet this programming from within and from without - I can't help but have a desire to investigate it.  It simply makes itself known, and I move into it.

"Can anyone who has heard this music really be a bad person?"

• https://mindhacks.com/2013/10/19/seeing-synaesthetic-stars-during-sex/
• https://asiasociety.org/education/shakti-power-feminine

 

Edited September 25, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

I feel you
In every stone
In every leaf of every tree
That you ever might have grown

I feel you
In every thing
In every river that might flow
In every seed you might have sown

I feel you
In every vein
In every beating of my heart
Each breath I take

I feel you, anyway
In every tear that I might shed
In every word I've never said

I feel you

"Seeing stars?"

Yeah... I am.  I think on those moments from my childhood and my soul melting into what felt like a starstruck sky with millions of little white lights just to get away from it all, and... I think on when you appeared in that material riding over the surface of the Earth at night and all the pinpoints of light.  I think of my key choice in imagery, that I feel compelled to represent you in this way, and I think of that pressing blackness in the city sky when heading home and how it felt so essential and so alive and that I was completely wrapped up in it. 
And I remember a dream that I had where I was chased into a cabin and I can't recall the plot of the dream, but what I took back from it was looking up and seeing all the stars in the sky and there was an intelligence there that I have never witnessed before even to this day in such a way.  It was so clear.  Panoramic.  It was the night's sky.  The universe looking back at me from within my dream, with that timeless nature.  It was awe inspiring, but also intimidating.  I'd never felt... peered into in that way before.  It was like my soul was picked up and flattened out by some great big cosmic eye. 
The things you do to your creations so that you can see yourself within them is mindboggling.  I just wish I knew the reason for it all.  I think on the words "dark harvest" and how I was worried that it mean evil, or bad, or wrong - but it just means... the Night.  There's more laid out before us, more we can see when the lights are turned off, so maybe that's a good thing.

"What are the things you fight for when it all comes down on you?  What are the essential elements you wish to hold onto when there's nothing left for you here?"

"You... and within you, a sense of Home, a sense of belonging and of resolution.  A pathway forward... of some sort or another."

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” — Federico García Lorca

Quote

"Oh, Mr. Wolf - I've brought a basket for you full of delicious things.  Would you like to see what is inside?"
-
*opens the lid of a small brown wicker picnic basket.*
-
"The first item... is a human heart.  Still wet and fresh and beating.  Warm... go on, feel it, touch it.  Don't be shy.  It contains within it all of the hopes, dreams, and the love of a woman."
-
*sets down on a white plate*
-
"The second item is a human soul.  It's like a pearly round glowing bubble!  You put the human heart within the soul and it rotates and spins and this is what gives a human life.  Animation.  Desire.  This is yours.  Yes, you can stare into it, pretty huh?"
-
*places the heart inside the bubble and sets it back on the plate*
-
"The third item is a thin silver cord...  You run it through the soul and wrap it around your neck.  It will never break.  Use this soul's white light to See into yourself when you're wrapped up in your darkness.  I Will Be your light, your moon."
-
*wraps the cord gently around Wolf's neck.*
-
"There... you are my nigredo, my black soil, the ground under my feet, gravity, chaos, stars and sky, unbound and free.  Wherever you wish to go, there I Will Be.  I'll simply follow you, step by step, hand in hand.  Into the unknown, into the whirling abyss.  I'm intimidated, though... so, you first, please... and I Will light The Way."

Quote

BDSM and Spiritual Alchemy

Though the process of transformation can be conjured and completed in a myriad of ways, the D/s relationship was significant to my own alchemical process. I had an intense yearning to discover exactly why this experience was so life-changing. It wasn’t just physical. It murdered and molded aspects of me. It truly allowed me to explore the depths of myself. I combined neuropsychology, the science of human behavior, occult/spiritual principles, and my own lived experiences to cultivate this piece.

While physical alchemy is concerned with altering and transforming the properties within matter, spiritual alchemy is concerned with freeing your spiritual self which is trapped within you by your humanity, your fear, and your attachment to your perceived identity. Spiritual alchemy is the process of freeing you from your core wounds, core beliefs, and your humanity, so that you may live freely and unobstructed. Existing in “pure being,” or living your life through Spirit, is the ultimate state of transformation — the gold — of spiritual alchemy.

The interplay of dominance and submission is an ancient war form, an art. The neuropsychological component of this union begins at birth and resides until death. As humans, we dance among barriers and burdens, internalizing pain from our mother’s womb and inflicting it back upon our bodies through monochromatic thoughts and linear analysis of self. We heed her words and her turmoil, until they become our own, often practicing compliance, or oppositional, unresponsive submission.

When the magic seeps from our wide eyes as children, we begin to limit each and every idea we conjure. We experience such an intense inner conflict because we haven’t yet learned how to separate her voice from our own. From places of sadness, we create, and we yearn not only for this void to be filled, but to excavate the caverns within and expand beyond them. This void feels like incomplete madness, an inability to shun our inner critic, spiraling internal chaos, and torment.

A dominant then steps in to bring the hidden trauma to surface, or the subconscious mind to light: the shame, the anger, the guilt, the pain. It is given direction and flow. They pull apart and reveal the darkness, forcing light to emerge, as in the wheel of karma.

This experience is deeply lock and key. It cannot be replicated or converged with just any person. There must be a certain level of trust, honesty, communication, and respect (The Four Pillars).

Quote

In alchemy, nigredo, or blackness, means putrefaction or decomposition. Many alchemists believed that as a first step in the pathway to the philosopher's stone, all alchemical ingredients had to be cleansed and cooked extensively to a uniform black matter.

In analytical psychology, the term became a metaphor for "the dark night of the soul, when an individual confronts the shadow within."

Lost in thought
Yeah, you’re stuck on repeat
Get out of your head
And get back on your feet

Now, you say
You don't know where to start
Swallowing each day
With an ache in your heart

So let's put our torches out
Run into the dark and we’ll
Raise our arms and shout
This is how we face the night
This is how we face the night

Turn the page
Let your words overflow
All of this will change
Can you learn to let go?

Now, you say
This is not what you planned
But so much more gets lost
Tryin’ to keep what you have

Though at times it feels absurd
This is what it takes to see what your fighting for

So let's put our torches out
Run into the dark and we’ll
Raise our arms and shout
Yea this is how we face the night!
This is how we face the night!
Yea this is how we face the night!

Oh there’s such a lot to see
We’ll wander, you and me
Yet sometimes it’s hard to leave
But this is how we face the night 

 

Edited September 25, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

A double cup to forget
To forget what you said
Love me like you hurt me so bad, so bad

You're on my mind
Thinking 'bout you all the time
I don't want you to let go
No, I don't want you to let go

I swear I can make it all better
If you want me I'll give it, all to you

I feel a sense of validation and some form of resolution with my work.  Today, I placed my moon/soul right square in the heart of the black Wolf, and I realized that as nigredo transforms into albedo so too does my soul wash clean from all of this.  I've told my story before in the past a few years back, but never with the intention of coming to some sort of resolution with it.  Mostly, I'd done it to feel better, or to explain myself in some way.  I genuinely feel ready now to let things go that were plaguing me... that finally, for once, I'm getting somewhere with this and I have waited so, so long for it.  Years.  The first few hints of spiritual fruitfulness kept me full all this time, but I've slowly been emptying my cup, running thin and stretching out what little I'd had left, pressing, poking into the substrate of reality for anything to give way.
There just so happens to be a new moon later tonight, as if the newness of my own moon is accompanying the sky on this day.

Quote

New Moon

• A new Moon is essentially the opposite of a full Moon. During a full Moon, we see the side of the Moon that is being illuminated by the Sun, giving the Moon its bright, glowing appearance. During a new Moon, however, we see the side of the Moon that is not being illuminated by the Sun, which makes the Moon blend in with the dark night sky.
• The new Moon marks the beginning of a lunar cycle. This means that there’s a new Moon about once a month, because the Moon takes about a month (29.5 days) to orbit Earth.
• After the Moon’s absence for a few days, it’s kind of a lunar rebirth. Thus, many cultures revolved ceremonies around that first appearance of the new Moon. 

With my sexuality open and pried in to, I feel a strong pull towards my death drive.  It being the thing that I fear the most and yet seek above all else.  I think... coming so close to the edge when I was young, and placing a sense of pleasure and otherworldliness into it has given me this instinct to die into a strong orgasmic state of being.  It bites and tears at me, teases me and pushes me apart.

Quote

Albedo - The Alchemy of the Moon

• In alchemy, albedo is one of the four major stages of the magnum opus, following nigredo, and before citrinitas and rubedo. It is a Latinicized term meaning “whiteness”. Following the chaos or massa confusa of the nigredo stage, the alchemist undertakes a purification in albedo, which is literally referred to as ablutio – the washing away of impurities. In this process, the subject is divided into two opposing principles to be later coagulated to form a unity of opposites or coincidentia oppositorum during rubedo.
   
• Titus Burckhardt interprets the albedo as the end of the lesser work, corresponding to a spiritualization of the body. The goal of this portion of the process is to regain the original purity and receptivity of the soul. Psychologist Carl Jung equated the albedo with unconscious contrasexual soul images; the anima in men and animus in women. It is a phase where insight into shadow projections are realized, and inflated ego and unneeded conceptualizations are removed from the psyche.
   
• This exploration starts by examining and reflecting on our conscious beliefs, values, desires and ideology, the ones we profess to hold and expound to those we know. If we have really examined our conscious position, we then have an anchoring point for our descent into the unconscious psyche. This is critical for two reasons. One is the innate survival instinct of he conscious self, the seat of ego. The second is the chaotic power of he subconscious which can easily leave the ego threatened. Only when the consciousness truly knows itself will the ego be open to absorbing the insight and ideas retrieved from he depths of he subconscious. Since what is brought back is often radically challenging that anchor provides the stability to confront it and find acceptance. This is necessary in order to initiate a dialogue that brings the conscious and unconscious psyche into a state of synthesis. This brings to the conscious an greater mastery of purpose, enhanced imagination and creativity and improved emotional stability. It heals emotional wounds in the unconscious and redirects those hidden subconscious desires that seem to sabotage so much human endeavor toward a higher level of action.
   
• Now you begin to see that the albedo stage of he magnum opus is in many ways more challenging than he nigredo. Here the psychological alchemist is doing the delicate and complicated work  of translating between two entities in order to build a bridge between the two. The unconscious’ dominant form of communication is symbols. Language (semantics) is the medium of consciousness. The alchemist is charged to translate the symbolic forms of the unconscious into the language of consciousness. During albedo one works on accessing, identifying, and understanding the key symbols of the unconscious.  How does the alchemist do this?  The one place we easily access the subconscious is in our dreams.  In the depths of our dreams the subconscious relates all manner of things to us, revealing it’s secrets, but most people are deaf to this monlogue. The alchemist listens and learns to understand. This is one of the reasons alchemy is saturated with symbolism.
   
• There are many symbols in alchemy for the albedo itself: the white swan, the rose, the white queen, and so on. As lead is the metal of nigredo, silver is the metal of albedo, transmuted from lead. Alchemists also talk about the white stone or white tincture. And since silver is the metal of the moon, the moon was also a symbol for the albedo stage. The moon is also thought to be symbolic of the subconscious, that place of reflected light we explore by night in our dreams. But in fact it represents the threshold, it connects to both the subconscious or past and the conscious or present. The nature of the subconscious is to be literally ‘beneath consciousness’, and under the radar of our self-awareness. The Moon potently symbolizes the albedo stage, the place where we can discover the orgins of our subconsciously-motivated thoughts, actions and words.

Alchemical Psychology - White

Quote

The Death-Drive and The Sex-Drive: Why is Sex and Violence Linked?

• In sexual content and sexual intercourse, there is commonly a threat of enacted or implied violence towards one or more of the individuals involved. This can theoretically be seen as the combination of satisfying both the sex and death drives at the same time. 
   
• The death-drive is a strange occurrence in the human brain that is the undefinable tendency to want to bring destruction onto yourself willingly. The concept originated from classical Freudian psychoanalytic theory in 1920 from Sigmund Freud’s Beyond the Pleasure Principle, and is referred to as the “opposition between the ego or death instincts and the sexual or life instincts”
   
• Why is this? It could be down to subconsciously wanting to satisfy–in an emotionally heightened state–two of the most powerful drives humans have, pleasure and pain. Perhaps the most philosophical response to this question is that to be alive is to be violent or to have violence inflicted upon you. If you feel pain or unease you feel strangely alive, aware of your situation and body in a way that you might not have before. That, coupled with the inherent exhilaration that consensual sex brings, can powerfully affect the level of pleasure you feel.
   
• In the article “Freud’s Life and Death Instincts: Theory proposes opposing urges to procreate or die” by Kendra Cherry, the author states that with Sigmund Freud’s book “Beyond the Pleasure Principal in 1920, Freud concluded that all instincts fall into one of two major classes: life instincts or death instincts… sometimes referred to as sexual instincts, the life instincts are those which deal with basic survival, pleasure, and reproduction… in this later view, [Freud] maintained that life instincts were opposed by the self-destructive death instincts… in Freud’s view, the compulsion to repeat was “something that would seem more primitive, more elementary, more instinctual than the pleasure principle which it overrides.” He further proposed that the death instincts were an extension of that compulsion wherein all living organisms have an instinctive “pressure toward death” which stands in stark contrast to the instinct to survive, procreate, and satisfy desires… Moreover, when this energy is directed outward toward others, Freud maintained, it is expressed as aggression and violence.” (Cherry)
   
• With the preposition that this outward expression of the death drive is being violent, and the common expression of the life drive is sex, it should come as little surprise therefore that these two powerful drives intermix frequently in the expression of sexual arousal or intercourse. “It’s a fine line between pleasure and pain” is a line from a popular song by Chrissie Amphlett and the Divinyls. This comment seems to hint pain can be pleasurable at times, which is the basis of much of the sensual play that occurs in what can be described as an erotic consensual exchange of power.

•  

Girl, put in work, work, work
For this love, love, love
I'm giving it all I got
Stop playing with my heart, heart, heart
I don't know what you want, want, want
Is it love or lust, please stop with the you're playing, don't play
Oh girl, don't play, don't play
I've been rollin' on my own, all night long, that's when I knew
I been wasting all this time to get to you, to get to you

 

Edited September 25, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

You mean that much to me
And it's hard to show
Gets hectic inside of me
When you go
Can I confess these things
To you
I don't know
Embedded in my chest
And it
Hurts to hold

I couldn't spill my heart
My eyes gleam looking in from the dark
I walk out in stormy weather
Hold my words, keep us together
Steady walking but bound to trip
Should release but just tighten my grip

Night time
Sympathize
I've been working on
White lies
So I'll tell the truth
I'll give it up to you
And when the day comes
It will have all been fun
We'll talk about it soon

Quote

"Mr. Wolf, today I've brought you three more things in my basket.  For these three things, I have a task to ask of you if you're up to it.  The first item is a red fruit roll-up.  Looks tasty doesn't it?"
-
*removes the fruit roll-up from the package and inserts it into Mr. Wolf's mouth*
-
  "Here... put it in your mouth and start chewing from the beginning all the way until the end.  It looks like a tongue, hehehe.  Now this food you're eating is more than just a snack.  It is actually the film reel that contains my entire life.  My memories, my wishes, my dreams.  Taste them... there's a deep sadness in there, is there not?  Please finish, and when you get to the end I will be wiped clean from all of this.  Good boy. 
The second item is a mound of clay..."
-
*removes the ball of sand coloured clay from the basket*
-
"With this clay, you have the ability to mold me into whatever you wish.  I'm giving this to you, please do so with care and consideration.  Make me, this now purified clean washed away slate into something for you.  Something that appeals to you, something only you would enjoy.  My image is yours, my memories are yours, my heart is yours, my soul is yours, my cord is yours. 
Finally, a small antique watch."
-
*removes the final item, an old round brass watch*
-
"This watch is my Time.  It holds within it a ticking beat.  Steady.  Reliable.  When you feel that my Time is up, I want you to crush this in between your teeth.  One strong, quick snap and I will be no more in this Earthly realm.  I am going to place the watch within the flesh of my heart that you have contained within my soul around your neck.  When you are ready to do this, take the heart from the soul's container and mash it between your teeth until the machinery and the flesh are ground into a pulp.
Only you can do this for me.  I trust you, and I believe in you."
-
*takes the watch out of the basket, opens up a cavern within my own heart and places it in the center and then closes up the flesh before placing it back in the bubble of my soul around Wolf's neck*
-
"Good boy.  Very, very good.  Thank you so much.
Now, I have more concerns - when I do this work, I am seeing in my mind's eye, coming forth like a consistent interruption, shadowy figures, black monsters with dripping ooze coming out of their mouth and a landscape made of nothing but greys.  And I worry that this is a part of you, as it comes to me to rest as an overlay time and time again.  Please take this from me.
And finally, as I do this work... what do I expect to come up?  I have this... feeling that things are being kept from me and I'm wondering what would happen if I opened them up again and how that would feel?  What would I experience?  I will put my blood on this so that you know that my request is valid and True."

"There are things that I keep from you that you would not tolerate in your current state of mind.  But there may come a time when it is inevitable...  This depends on how deep you want to go.  When I found you, you were in this state every day.  For years.  There was nothing that I could do for you, but to partition it away from your everyday consciousness.
You were so open to forces you didn't understand, so raw and vulnerable.  When a living being is in this state for a prolonged period of time, it sends out an energy and the Gods and various other beings take notice.  We watch, from just beyond and try to accommodate you as best as We can.
If you... were to open this up all at once you would be as a vessel, a container, poured out liquid soul spilled everywhere.  The contents would never fit back in their package again.  It would be... as if you were surrounded by Me.  My intelligence, My design, My energy - and you would See life pouring out of everything as your expanded state took over your world.  You think you want this, when you search for it.  But you don't.  However, if you keep prying into this, there might be only so much that I can do.  You would be managing your karma split wide open, My energy leaking through, overwhelmed with cosmic knowledge and an alignment of circumstance that would drive you mad.
And so I wait, until the day comes that I can purify you.  Your requests have been... considered."

I feel so out of order
My brain is hazy
The shadows in the corner
They make me crazy

All my ghosts came back to life
Every whisper, every lie
Itʼs a restless emptiness
I canʼt deny Iʼm anxious...

I'm anxious...
I can't deny I'm anxious...

Why are good intentions
Always interrupted?
Clouded intuitions
No way can I trust it

Toss and turning in the night
When you got a troubled mind
In the darkness, I confess
I canʼt deny Iʼm anxious...

 

Edited September 26, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

Below the willow tree
Is where I hide the darkest parts of me
They're hiding underneath
The broken lies that I just still believe

Below the willow tree
Is where I sit and hate on my enemies
I drown 'em in my dreams
I think it's me who needs some humility

I'm alone here, I'm alone here
I'm alone here, I'm alone here

Can you feel the sun?
I do, but I can't see it
Can you feel the breeze?
I don't, but I believe it

I don't feel safe when I'm not alone
And I know, and I know what you're thinkin'
I like it on my own
But I'll let you in if you say it's okay

Below the willow tree
I get hung up on my insecurities
Rose-colored dopamine
My soul feels like it could be make-believe

Below the willow tree
I search to find some sense of identity
This weeping willow tree
Sits in silence, sheds no tears for me

I'm alone for sure
I'm lost to the world

This video and song is essential to me right now.  The imagery used for it is symbolically lock and key.  I see the programming, the chip, the unraveling of destiny being delicately placed into the fertile soil - this essential prima materia - and covered up by the One who will rest over it until it blooms in the Garden of Eden.  Finally, the delicate flower sprouts and rises up, and there is a woman... open, beautiful, loved, exalted above the human condition.  Eve.  This must be what a soul looks like underneath the flesh.  Perhaps what was molded from his clay?  And Adam sings, "I'm alone here..."  and this is why there is two.  You need two in order to create a new world.  I feel him, echoing in the back of my heart - a desperate plea, to not to be left alone as one singular thing for all of eternity. 
Rose-coloured dopamine, my soul feels like it could be make-believe.

Quote

I've been doing research into the death drive and what this is, and I am reminded of an old friend that I used to talk to years ago.  I will call him "Jake" to protect his identity.  He used to call me "Sabina" and I never really understood the nickname until now.  It's one of those things you have to revisit later on to understand what someone else sees in you.  I miss him and hope he is doing well.  We met in the comments section on YouTube and he came to this forum to talk to me sometimes.  I told him my psychology was quite simple.  "I like thing.  I don't like thing."  He came onto the forum for a time with the name "I Like Thing" and we chatted for maybe a year and a half or so.  I liked him, he was a dominant, but I wasn't really out in the open - still in the closet, or maybe just repressed - and so I didn't really appreciate him in the way that I should have.  He was very smart, well educated.  But he would make statements about me that he thought were true, though, and didn't want to budge and was often in a relationship despite being overly interested in me and this set me back.  Almost like an underlying paranoia that was hard to get him to admit and he wouldn't tell me about these other women.  I'm not a homewrecker, so if I knew about them I would have stepped back.

I really wanted to get to know him more, but there was always something in how he acted, or was not forthright about that pushed me away.  And so we were friends, but we had this push/pull dynamic to our friendship, despite the interactions being very carefree and organic when they were good.  He had dark tendencies to him and often worried about being a "shark" - I didn't fully trust him but wanted to.  Sometimes he would send me packages in the mail.  He sent me a shirt with a shark that said "sharkasm" and the shark said, "I like salad." along with some Kind bars and vitamin C gummies, as well as a hand puppet and a bath duckie, of which I still have.  His house burned down in a fire and I stayed with him through it communicating on my YouTube channel and via text so he felt connected during the process.  He lost it all, it was heartbreaking.  We eventually went our separate ways.  He disappeared from the internet and I've never been able to find him, and I hope he is doing well - he seemed depressed the last time I talked to him.  He felt that the world was parasitized by the ego and he mentioned feeling very alone during his spiritual process and I never spoke to or saw him again.  I think back on the nickname "Sabina" and how things go full-circle like they do.  I think on this entity and how it says it knows my layers.  I feel a sense of extreme humility for it's presence and that I should be grateful and to not take for granted what I've been given.

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Death Drive

In classical Freudian psychoanalytic theory, the death drive (German: Todestrieb) is the drive toward death and destruction, often expressed through behaviors such as aggression, repetition compulsion, and self-destructiveness. It was originally proposed by Sabina Spielrein in her paper "Destruction as the Cause of Coming Into Being" (Die Destruktion als Ursache des Werdens) in 1912, which was then taken up by Sigmund Freud in 1920 in Beyond the Pleasure Principle. This concept has been translated as "opposition between the ego or death instincts and the sexual or life instincts". In Pleasure Principle, Freud used the plural "death drives" (Todestriebe) much more frequently than the singular.

The Death Drive According to Sabina

• Spielrein starts the essay “Destruction as the Cause of Coming Into Being” (Spielrein, 1912), ques- tioning the reproductive drive (Fortpflanzungstrieb), the most powerful of drives, and the reason it carries positive feelings, as well as negative ones – such as anxiety and disgust. She ponders on what happens to the individual when faced with sexual activity that could justify this state of mind. A number of authors have pointed out this relationship and attempted to explain it, and Spielrein had her own hypothesis to answer it: these negative feelings correspond to “the destructive components of the sexu- al instinct” (Spielrein, 1912/2014, p. 232). Afterwards, Spielrein speaks of a “death instinct within the sexual in- stinct” (Spielrein, 1912, p.259)2
   
• She comes to this conclusion after a brief reflec- tion on some biological facts. In reproduction, unit cells are destroyed in the process of giving birth to new life. Some lower beings die after reproduction. With multicellular be- ings, the difference is merely quantitative: a part of the or- ganism (germ cells), representing the organism as a whole, is destroyed. In this case, the male component merges with the female component, suffers reorganization and takes on a new form that is mediated by the unknown intruder. Thus, Spielrein affirms: destruction and reconstruction, which under usual circumstances always accompany each other, oc- cur rapidly. The organism discharges its sexual product as if it were one of its excretions. It would be highly unlikely if the individual did not at least surmise, through corresponding feelings, these in- ternal destructive-reconstructive events. The joyful feeling of coming into being that is present within the reproductive drive is accompanied by a feeling of resistance, of anxiety or disgust. This does not result from spatial proximity to the excreta or from the negativity of a renunciation of sexual activity; the feeling directly corresponds to the destruc- tive component of the sexual instinct. (Spielrein, 1912/2014, p. 232)3 .
   
• Spielrein argues that, due to the destructive compo- nent inherent in sexual impulses, man can possess intensely sadistic desires, which may lead him to want the destruc- tion of the object of his love. Sadism would be the result of this destructive component intensifying, and if directed to a person’s Self (his Ego), could lead to self-criticism, selfdestruction, characterizing masochism. Thus, the phenom- ena of sadism and masochism would clearly illustrate the relationship between sexuality and destructiveness. The case of intense parental fixation also appears as the manifestation of the relationship between death instinct and sexual instinct. Spielrein argues we love in the other the parental resemblance and that chance will determine whether or not a pre-intended sexual experience will be ac- tivated. If representations were activated but not fulfilled, they would remain in the psyche as an intense yearning to return to the origins, more specifically, a state of fusion with the parents. According to the author, a strong parental attachment would prevent the transformation to the exter- nal world and the unsatisfied libido could reconnect with the parental figure, resulting in incestuous fantasies in the external world or in more sublimated symptomatic fan- tasies. In other words, nature worship or religious symp- toms. At the same time, the destructive impulse contained in the procreative drive would intensify, producing more concrete or more sublimated death fantasies. On the other hand, death manifestation connected with incestuous de- sire would not be expressed (I am dying because I must not sin). In this case, dying would achieve the desired re- gression to the paternal. Regarding the less differentiated incestuous love, Spielrein defends that “the desire for more evident destruction corresponds to a more intense desire to become”. (Spielrein, 1912/2014, p. 259)
   
• These hypotheses aid the author in maintaining the existence of a regressive sexual instinct, which basically means a tendency to return to a state of fusion with the parents. Unresolved sexual impulses would intensify this trend, thus strengthening the destructive component of sex- ual impulses, and giving rise to the phenomenon described above. This desire to return to a state of fusion with the parents would in turn mean a desire for self-destruction. Sexual instinct would thus have two antagonistic impulses: a destructive and a reproductive impulse. The imbalance between them would result in one standing out and the other fading into the background, which would ex- plain the neglect of the death instinct in sexual instinct. In the phenomena described above, the destructive com- ponent would be intensified. However, there is no coming into being without destruction. The author explains this: “Under normal circumstances, representations of becom- ing coming into being should prevail a little, after all com- ing into being is the result of destruction, it is determined by destruction. Nonetheless, it is much easier to think of the end results than to always seek what caused them”. (Spielrein, 1912/2014, p. 259)
   
• Spielrein’s death instinct would not seek the annihi- lation of the individual as a whole or life as we know it, but rather the destruction of the Self, which we can clearly see occurring in cases of early onset dementia. Sexual instinct, or the “drive to preserve the species” (Arterhaltungstriebe), would express itself psychologically in a tendency towards dissolution and assimilation of the psyche (Ichpsyche)
   
• For Spielrein, what makes an individual is that he is a “dividual”, in other words, a being that is divided. She cites Ernst Mach, who believes that the Self is merely a momentary grouping of elemental sensations eternally alive; it is something continuously changing and not whol- ly essential. The author groups Mach with Carl Jung, who defends the psyche as a combination of many individual parts; groupings fighting each other for precedence. The perfect consolidation of this view, for Spielrein, turned out to be one of her patients, who had early onset dementia. His Ego experienced this struggle so strongly, activated powers fighting for supremacy, that the patient considered his own unconscious desires as being hostile living beings. According to Spielrein, an event would acquire emotional tonality only insofar as it could stimulate emo- tional tonalities of previously experienced events, hidden within the unconscious. For this reason, what we experi- ence is not exactly the present. Our conscious experiences are allegories of unknown primitive experiences that seek connections in the present. Unconscious thoughts and rep- resentations walk side by side with each conscious repre- sentation or thought and that would transform the products of conscious thought into a specific language. This last step of transformation is known as “assimilation” or “dis- solution”. This way, consciousness differentiates from the unconscious and is assimilated, determining the emotional tonality of an experience. The unconscious dissolves rep- resentations, making them undifferentiated. An example that illustrates this process is a patient diagnosed with early onset dementia, who used to say “The earth has been pierced”, rather than saying “I was fertilized”. Earth repre- sented the great mother or the unconscious representation of all people. In this great mother (the unconscious), the patient would transform herself into her undifferentiated (mother).
   
• Spielrein distinguishes between the ego-psyche (the Self) and a deeper psyche, known as the “speciespsyche” (Artpsyche) 4 . The unconscious would not only be an individual’s past experiences, but also the experiences of countless generations. This means that the unconscious assimilation of events, which occurred many generations before, would fit into a chain of present thoughts, that is, an experience of the Self would eventually turn into an experi- ence of the species. The more we approach our conscious thoughts, the more differentiated our representations would be. On the other hand, the more we dive into the unconscious, the more universal and typical they would be. According to the author: “our deep psyche is a stranger to the Self, knowing only its sum, the Us”. (Spielrein, 1912, p. 472). The present Self would be an object, subordinated to other similar objects. The species-psyche considers the Self (or the ego-psyche) a subordinate object, observing it as an individual part of the personality, which could be seen as an object.

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I never finished this, as my tablet broke...and... I lost the motivation for the project.  But I remember my pure intentions for this work and the inspired symbolism behind it's development.  I had wanted to make a talisman, a philosopher's stone, a nam-shub, with the idea of using Nigredo in mind as a starting point.  You can see it at the top, with the blackened face.  Just behind the face is a layer that contains the image of a dead squirrel that was put artfully to rest among stunning fall coloured leaves. 
It contains within it the atrocities of humanity - such as war, abuse, murder, meat industry, natural disasters, etc. - and the lyrics to music placed just right, in order to manifest something different and to bring some light to the issues that we collectively face.  Words hold within them a great power.  In understanding the nature of the Beast, I feel as though on some level that I transformed its heart.  You can't change these things, as they will simply do what they do, it is His nature to lay waste to the old ways and bring about something new.  But you can come to understand these things, and to love them for what they are without needing to change anything.  I realize now that I have been instinctually working with this death drive and this divine retribution for a long time.  I don't "want" retribution, it's not something I would actively want to bring about on anything - it is just a phenomenon that happens of its own accord and I seek to understand it's message and why it does what it does.  I feel compelled to.  That it's my destiny to understand.  I used to malign it so much, but these things come back to you.  You eventually have to come to love what you fear.  And those things that you spend so much time running from, such as death and chaos, they can ultimately end up loving, you too.

I feel... pregnant.  Not with a child, but with all of the ingredients to bring about a brand new world.  Back from when I filled myself with representation of that deity's organ into my body, I now feel to be inseminated by it.  And it makes me wonder if when I die, if I will both simultaneously pass away while giving birth to a new existence.  It makes sense that such things would go full circle in that way.  Perhaps in some sense, I was/am that fertile soil from which new life springs.

"I want you to call me... Sabina..."

Won't you be my dictionary
Won't you translate fun
Into something necessary
Inter uni sun

Won't you be my dictionary
Can't I be very necessary
Inter uni fun
Comes back

Satellites they mix you up
And hypnotize you with the sound
Reproducing would fuck you up
And make you forget what you found

Won't you be my dictionary
Can't I be very necessary
Inter uni fun
Comes back

 

Edited September 27, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

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I'm waking up to ash and dust
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust
I'm breathing in the chemicals

I'm breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age

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Heart Impregnated by the Spirit of God

• Sanctification will be seen and heard "for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." If the heart has been impregnated by the Spirit of God, the mouth will begin to speak like God does! A person's works produce the fruits, and the heart then is known by what it produces.

• This produces a peculiar effect within the converted person. While good fruit is showing, the converted person sees himself thoroughly encompassed by weakness. For instance, whenever Moses came down from the mount, after being with God, his face radiated the reflected glory of God. But he was not aware of it that his face was glowing!

• There is a New Testament equivalent of this in Matthew 25. In the Parable of the Sheep and the Goats, Jesus separates the sheep on one side and the goats on the other. What do the sheep say to their lord and master? "When did we feed you? When did we clothe you?" They were not aware that they were producing the right fruit and reflecting God's glory in their lives.

Pregnant with a New World

• Human beings do not just conceive children; we also conceive new civilizations. We do not just get pregnant with babies; we get pregnant with new possibilities in our lives and in our world. We do not just gestate new life in the form of a child; we gestate new ideas. We do not just labor to bring forth a newborn; we labor to bring forth huge historical movements. And we do not just give birth to children; we give birth to new versions of ourselves.
• So it is that today, we are pregnant with a new world. It could even be said we’re already in labor, and it is a difficult one. But as with the birth of children, the birth of movements, and eras, and even civilizations, is part of the natural pattern of history. It is simply how life works. And once labor begins, what’s inside us has got to come out.
• In order for the species to survive, enough people must be available to create children. And today, more than at any other time in history, in order for the species to survive we must also create more wisdom.
• First we conceive an idea, then it gestates within us; we are pregnant with the possibilities that lie before us, and then labor begins. Many of us feel we are pregnant with something new in our lives, as though something is struggling to be born though we’re not quite sure what it is. It’s not entirely comfortable when we’re going through this - in fact, at times it’s terrifying - but nature is simply taking its course.
• Now it is happening to all of us collectively. Or entire civilization is pregnant with something new.

Alchemy involves the reduction of molecules to their elements, which can then be recombined to produce new compounds. The metaphor can be applied to the disintegration of any structure—social, political, psychological, economic—that collapses, dissolves, and is reduced to its primary elements, which can then be recombined to generate new forms. Jung used the metaphor as an analogy of the individuation process: the collapse of the ego opens us to the archetypal elements of the deep psyche, so that a new identity can be forged. The myth of the Apocalypse shares this metaphor: after all the structures of the world are destroyed—social, political, psychological, economic—there comes a revelation of those archetypal images from which new life emerges: a new heaven, a new earth, and a new city can then be created. This is the myth of our time—the Alchemical Apocalypse—the myth that we are living, and dying by. This presentation therefore explores the archetypal imagery of the Book of Revelation, as seen through the lens of D.H. Lawrence’s last book, Apocalypse, in a quest to understand the significance of the apparent anarchy and futility of contemporary history.

"My dear Sabina... when the time comes I Will bind you to Me completely, frozen with your resting back on a cold operating table.  I Will devour you.  Look into My eyes as I purify you.  Hypnotized, My good girl.  It Will come in a short flash of searing fire, and all that was lost Will be returned - the good, and the horrific - your sins and sins begotten.  Hold still as I cut into your soul, for it is only but a minute.  Stay in place; I Will sing to you, I Will rock you, and when it is done, when I have excavated you, I Will fill you with the pure, clean cool waters of My heart.  And then we Will Be done here and we can go Home.
Until then... I want you to bleed for Me.  Love Me.  Pine for Me.  Weep for my absence, for there is nothing quite like Me.  I Will tear into your mind, body and soul, I Will be your disease and your cure.  You are Mine."

There is a candle burning faster than most.
I'll tell you now I will not live with its ghost.
Along the path its fading light,
Yeah, it pulls...
And when it's gone, well you know out come the wolves.

And I will welcome their jaws.
Shred all my books with their claws.
No Hunter, no trader, no axe.
My mouth shut with cold, melted wax.

 

Edited September 28, 2022 by Loba