Negative view on sex

[somegirl]

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

Are you currently dating, or not dating?

-I am in relationship with my bf.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

If you are dating, for how long?

-For a year.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

How non-judgmental are you really? You never were judgmental in your life at all?

-I am actually judgemental. Maybe a bit more than I'd like to admit.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

How open were you to sexuality?

-Oh, I was so open to it till I started being sexually active.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

 How often are you confident in your sexuality?

-Again, I stopped being confident ever since I started being sexually active. So the answer is rarely, if ever.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

What did you do to embrace your feminine sexuality? Is it femininity, or sexuality, you were embracing?

-I was embracing my femininity and sexuality by being flirtatious, playful with guys (when I was single), dressing sexy, I didn't have problem showing off my body through my clothing. Would wear tight clothing often, heels. But it was done in a sphisticated way, I was not vulgar. And people were seeing that and complimenting me. Had an amazing feedback from both girls and guys.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

Is feminine sexuality limited to clothing?

-Of course it isn't. It's such a broad term. But it was the easiest to express it through clothing. The most obvious, I mean. When someone sees me for the first time, they see my face, hair and clothes I wear. But there was so much more than that. It could be seen in a way I carry myself.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

How proud are you with your sexuality?

-Right now? Not proud at all. I don't want to show off at all. The funny thing is, I didn't gain weight or anything like that, I'm basically the same as I was before getting into relationship, I just all of a sudden shied away from the world and locked myself in when I started being sexually active.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

Does changing you behavior, posture, and gesture, fixes your problems with sexuality?

-I am sure it would fix it a little bit if I tried it. But the thing is I'm not even motivated to act and carry myself in such sexy and feminine way anymore. 

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

If you feel fine with not having sex at all, then why do you want to change that?

-Right now I only feel as if I would not have problem not having sex for the rest of my life. But this is not what I want. This is the exact reason why I find this to be a problem. I am writing a thread because I don't feel good about feeling this way about sex.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

 Is this feeling fine coming from the body, or the mind?

-It's coming from a wrong place, somewhere in the mind. The same place where the thought "You suck" would come from, for example.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

What's obvious about your problem, when you said it feels okay not to have sex at all?

-It's obvious that this is obviously not what I want to feel like about sex. I want to love it! And I want to be happy and confident in my sexuality.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

Where are these fears of pregnancy and catching STD'S coming from? 

-Good question. I think it's because of my boyfriend. Long story, I answered it already, this is the answer:

31 minutes ago, somegirl said:

21 hours ago, mandyjw said:

You shouldn't be afraid of catching an STD from your partner. If he's not really committed or you don't trust him, maybe you're trying to be cool and ok with something you really aren't cool and ok with?

The thing is, I trust him 100% that he would not cheat on me. No doubt. He has proven his loyality. The reason I've not been feeling this conflict about sex (one of the reasons) is because he didn't convince me he takes care of his sexual health. I'll explain.
He started having some weird symptoms down there earlier this year and he ignored it completely because it went away fast, but he never told me about it, and we slept without protection (once). In the end it turned out to not be a big deal, it's the virus that appears only when immune system drastically drops and is only infectious when the symptoms are showing. It's not a big deal, that's what the doctors have told us.
But before we got such answers from doctors, I got SO scared and paranoid. I'm sensitive, as I said. Plus he is my first sexual partner. I didn't feel great after I heard he had some symptoms he didn't tell me about. And he told me after we slept without protection. I felt deceived. And he made mistake for not telling me. 
I haven't felt the safest because I saw how lightly he took his sexual health. Now that this whole drama happened, he thinks differently about it.

 

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

If you are timid and embarrassed about sex, what else are you timid and embarrassed about?

-Um, well, that's a broad question. I am timid when I;m miting new people maybe, sometimes.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

Why have you locked in your sexuality? Is that even possible?

-It is possible. Why? Well

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

What did you imagine sexual activity to be?

-Soul bonding experience. Out of this world, when it's done right. Safe place.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

 How long did you have this negative view of sexuality?

-For a while. Ever since I started being sexually active.

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

What situation gave you this negative view? And who told you, or taught you, or showed you this negative view of sexuality?

-Same answer I applied to "Where are these fears of pregnancy and catching STD'S coming from?" can be applied to this question too.
In a nutshell, my boyfriend obviously not convincing me having sex is the safest thing there is. 

20 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

Where in your body do you feel negativity towards sexuality, or where in your mind?

-I feel it in my mind and it's coming from a negative place. It doesn't come from the light and positive place for sure.

[somegirl]

28 minutes ago, Kalki Avatar said:

Let me guess. You are not very social?

-Hmmm. How could you come up with that conclusion based on the description about my issues I have regarding sex? 

29 minutes ago, Kalki Avatar said:

You also probably dont have much sexual experience

-This is correct.

30 minutes ago, Kalki Avatar said:

And you have been focused more on other stuff than sexuality. Spirituality probably?

-Yeah.

33 minutes ago, Kalki Avatar said:

If thats the case, you just need to reactivate your sexuality. Being sexual is a habit. If you were on social enviorments were guys were always playing and flirting with you, your primal attraction system would be on most of the time. Meaning unconsciously, you would adopt a sensual attitude and all that comes with it. So, now you have to consciously do it again by yourself.

-I'm in a commited long term relationship. Cannot exactly do that anymore lol. 
 

36 minutes ago, Kalki Avatar said:

It all starts in the mind. Fix your mindset and negative beliefs about it. Then think and write the positive ones. Imagining those thoughts until they become a habit will create that personality, feelings and attitude. Leading to enjoy relationships, intimacy and sex. 

-This is more acceptable answer. And a good one, thank you. 


 

[Kalki Avatar]

@somegirl Socializing and sex are interlinked. Just as I explained being in enviornments that trigger it. Also, when ppl get in a long term relationships they usually stop being as social as they were before and get locked in a bubble. 

Remember that attraction is something temporary. Is not an absolute or given. It activates and desactivates when its done, over. Its a signal. You can stay in a long term relation ship but it will more of a friendship. Not a romance lover type of thing. Depending on how long you have been together, your biologies probably have signaled its over, but consciously one chooses to stay by fear or social conditionings. 

If your partner is not highly attractive, probably famous, rich, fit, high level of game, has alot of friends, female-friends, etc. Its hard attraction can survive in a long term relationship. Since those stuff I mentioned consistently signal to your biology that his dna and Survival is very high and active, thus triggering attraction on you. The same for him, your beauty wont get him wet all day long. One gets used to it, ignores it with time and even get bored of it. Wanting something new, out of the habitual and known. 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Kalki Avatar

[Javfly33]

On 13/11/2020 at 11:23 PM, Shin said:

 

If he has this mindset, the sex is gonna be great, even if it last 10 minutes, if he does not, you might be physically pleased, but you'd still feel psychologically unsatisfied and used.

If a guy has this mindset, even if he hardly even had sex, it would be 10 times more satisfying than a guy without this mindset but with lots of experience.

That's because you don't really care about performance, you care about how the guy makes you feel, and that's not something that can be quantifiable by how long he can last, what kind of crazy positions he can do, or how much technical precision he has with his fingers.

 

 

I don´t agree. Is that your personal experience?

[Shin]

20 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

I don´t agree. Is that your personal experience?

Yes, it works at least for me

[Enny]

Of course it's normal to have your sexual energy change. Why wouldn't your body adapt to different emotions, different hormones, different plots in your life story. And it's not like you have to give it up forever. Sometimes waiting for the feelings to strike is enough to start a blaze in your heart.

[Barbara]

Maybe you're not being completely honest about sex. Maybe you're doing it when you don't wanna do it. Or maybe you are doing things you don't want to do, but thinking you should be doing, because is expected from a relationship to have sex. Well, I did this. Short after negative thoughts regarding sex appeared, ofc. I felt like sex was disgusting, and kinda slutty, it was overrated. Did not really enjoyed it, even having an orgasm every time. When I realized this, I talked to my boyfriend about it and felt better, so I started work on it.

First, I had to notice and learn when I wanted or not. It's crazy, but the odds are, you don't even know what you want. Start looking for subtle body language. Learn when you don't want to have sex. 

Second, when you don't want it, don't do it. My boyfriend and I, after this acknowledgment, went through a really long dry period. Not once he complained or insisted. He fully realized that this was a huge problem for me and wanted to help as much as he could, even tho he was doing no fap and quitting porn at the same time. 

Third, sometimes it's not about sex itself. Maybe you are doing things in sex that doesn't really resonate with you. Maybe a blowjob or a position you don't want. You must do none of that if you don't feel like it. Notice how much this is self-sabotage. A healthy sexual life is not about doing sex, or how many times you do it. It's about you being completely comfortable with sex and your partner. You enjoying sex. But by doing what you really don't want to, keeps you less and less close to healthy sex life. 

Fourth, realize that this is bigger than sex. If you do this with sex, probably you do it with other things in your life too. That makes you a bit of a pushover. If that's the case, you have to stop that attitude and regain power over your situation. Learn how to say no and be assertive. That will only be good for you. 

Fith, felt nice to embrace my femininity. Watched The Goop Lab and Leo's vid about feminine sexual partners and it all helped. I don't know if you're in any contraceptive pill or any of that, but I got out of it, cause it was killing my sex drive, as well. I know you have a lot of fear of getting pregnant, but the biological odds of that are quite low. Pregnancy is almost a miracle. But anyway, I don't want to advise you on that since I don't know much about it, but if you take contraceptive pill plus use a condom, you're good to go. About STD, get you and your boyf tested if you feel like it. 

Now I got over it and enjoy sex very much with my boyfriend. It's not only about sex, but it's also about intimacy and it's very important for proximity in the relationship, even if you don't see it now. But right now, I never never do sex without wanting it, and in general, I'm quite active in it. But that will come with time and healing, so I recommend you to not force it. 

If you want me to share more, you can reach me. 
I wish you the infinite best.
With love,