Confronted my past abuser for the sake of healing, am feeling stuck going forward.

[lmfao]

On 02/11/2020 at 3:22 PM, Mu_ said:

My advice is to just accept the guys truth as he said it, not to blame him and expect him to see it exactly how you saw it and for him to apologize in the way you feel is needed for you to move on.  If you wait for other people to act the way you want before your willing to feel ok with things, you'll be in a lot of discomfort you don't have to.  You can let go of your pain and angry and blame when you want, you dont have to wait for someone else to give you permission (it may not be easy, and yes sometimes it helps for someone to hear, apologize and understand you, but this is not going to happen all the time and you either learn to let go or hold onto your pain)

@Mu_ Very good advice 

Edited December 5, 2020 by lmfao

[lmfao]

@mandyjw Damn, intense story and awakening. It's when letting go of trauma like this that love can feel like death 

On 09/11/2020 at 11:01 PM, mandyjw said:

And in a way, he gave me the greatest gift and freedom in saying, it's all forgiven, forgotten and no one cares. And in the awakening I felt the love in that. 

hahahah, interesting. 

Edited December 5, 2020 by lmfao

[lmfao]

So an update on the situation.

After talking to this guy who I posted about, I felt a lot better in some ways within a week in the aftermath. I'm not completely over it, but I said everything I wanted to say honestly, got as much as a response as I could, and so senses of regret were let go of. And now it's me to decide how I feel

A quote from my first message to explain things 

Quote

Long story short, I end up getting banned, then unbanned, then banned again.This is by the 2nd server owner who was good friends with the 1st one.  And this time I don't go back

The main person I held feelings of resentment towards, the same person who I talked to, was the "1st server owner" as I referred to in my post.


I still haven't talked to the 2nd server owner and I've been putting it off. I think he's more compassionate/open than the first guy. I've just been putting it off though with random avoidance of thinking about it or denial or thinking I'm done. 

I think it's a sneaky defence of my ego, using the fact that I already did some work on this as a place-holder/(dummy symbol) justification . However I feel fear, and hence I will do it. 

Edited December 5, 2020 by lmfao

[Luc1nda]

Hey, I know a lot of people have already read this and given really good advice, but I saw this thread and just thought "wow, i completely understand this", I have experienced something extremely similar, not as bad as this situation but very similar, it still hurt me the same way it hurt you. Friends online, especially in gaming communities or all these low conciousness communities, there are a lot of people like this. Honestly brave of you to confront that head on, I wouldn't of done that. 

 

I'll tell you what I experienced, it might help or give you some information or help, back when I was about 14 ish 15 (17 now), i, (of course, being an extremely unconcious little kid) loved minecraft, video games, youtube, and all that whole playing with friends thing. At the time, I was pretty miserable, due to family issues, me getting consumed to depression from all this media, and me and my school best friend drifting apart, i always wanted friends to play video games with, but never had any. I had just moved to a new school in the UK (from spain) and all I wanted was a group of friends, a team, a place to fit in. So one night i joined a discord server related to minecraft and video games in general, and met a few people who i actually felt like i got along with, talking to them didnt feel soul-less and empty, i could talk to them about my life, my interests, and for the first time i felt understood, and got invited to a bigger server with more people, it was a friend group. That week I was absolutely addicted to discord, i couldn't go 2 hours without going on it, as i was so deprived of social contact before, these were the best friends i ever knew, the next few months were awesome, i had so much fun being with them, supporting them in any way i could, talking to them about something other than typical dry conversations. 

I then met someone who later became my boyfriend (online, it never worked out lmao), even though we were very intimate and connected, it turned into a toxic relationship a few months after. Its a really complicated situation as he knew my group of friends and hated them, so i'll keep it short for your sake. He later isolated me from them, made me feel like shit, gaslighted me, manipulated me into thinking they (my friend group) were awful people, all that etc etc, i didnt believe him and just faked going along with it to avoid abuse from him, deep down i knew they were my friends, but as time went on it got worse. My friend group caught note of this and tried to tell me how they felt about me talking to them less and talking to them more, as they didnt know this relationship was ruining me. They were extremely aggressive about it, wrote huge paragraphs telling me that im a bad person, then they swore at me, one made fun of me, all in one discord channel, and there i was just absorbing it all, trying to pick up the pieces and trying to make this right and sort out this mess. After this i started to believe my ex, and eventually he got so mad at me for talking to my friends all together he said he'd kill himself or cut me off if i spoke to them, so i left their server and pretended to hate them just to make him stop. Even though they were innocent and weren't as awful as he made them out to be. Then for a couple months (of hell) i was alone, it was just me, and him. He was non-stop manipulating me to the point where i spent every single hour of every day on my phone speaking to him, because he demanded it, and if i didnt respond for 5 minutes to an hour he'd throw a huge tantrum and threaten to kill himself if i didnt respond (surprise he never did lmao) he even faked self harm just to get me to be with him, he was just, in a terrible mental state, and no matter how much i tried to help, how much i gave him, he just wanted more of my attention, and more. I eventually got banned from his server for waking up 30 minutes later than he expected, leaving him alone for 30 minutes! how horrible, and my old friend group who i left noticed this, and found an old group dm with me and them in and started making fun of me and laughing at me, thinking that me and my ex were done. I explained to them in shock and desperation what he was doing to me and, to my surprise, they believed me, and what they thought was wrong. I then had to lie to my ex that i wasnt speaking to them, because if i didnt he would of screamed at me for days, until i left them. I explained everything to them, and they were shocked, and i finally felt relieved, but not fully. I then came to the conclusion that, I needed to cut this shit off, as soon as i could, but it was so hard, as like leo said in one of his videos "you lie to yourself that without their toxic traits, they're a good person" referring to my ex.

 

The next few months was me trying to find an easy way out to the relationship, one that wouldn't leave my ex hurt, but there just wasn't one. I went in and out of cutting him out, but he was so, so smart in getting me back. Anyway i feel like im going slightly off the rails, i'll get to the important bit.

When i finally cut him off, my friends were still mad at me, because they never understood how hard it was to cut him off, even after i cut him off for good, they lost trust in me. (this was about 2 weeks after my dad passed away) eventually, they mentioned me in a discord channel in their main server and wrote a huge essay attacking me for the dumbest shit. And i mean the weakest, most petty shit, like for example me not being active enough, or me always being in invisible mode, and of course, me always 'going back' to my ex, even though i never wanted to go back, it was him coming after me, and me just trying to make things right between me and him. I cant remember what else they said, but it wasnt nice, they all sort of ganged up on me, swore at me, called me names, i said little to nothing, and anything i did say they'd make some meme out of what my stuttered sentences were, they then kicked me out of every server they had with me. This came as a complete, and i mean a complete shock to me. And just to make things worse, that same very night i started geting messages from my ex's friends telling me that my ex was dead because of me etc etc, but i was so in shock of the prrvious event, i believed it, not having any time to process what it actually was, like a kneejerk reaction. That morning after he was alive and well and messaged me, and that was just the last straw lmao, i never spoke to him ever again. But after that, I was probably, quite literally traumatized. 

This is were our situations are similar, because the place which i called home, my safe place, with the people who i loved and trusted, had just decided to throw me out and make me feel so beyond awful about it, and in some ways i felt like i deserved it for leaving them, but honestly, in situations like this, there is no such thing as right or wrong, or a moral compass, black and white turns into grey, and after a lot of reflection, i really do see that the way culture sees morality is honestly just a load of BS. Anyway, after they kicked me out, i spent an entire month not touching my phone or laptop, never going on discord, i was traumatized, and terrified of the past. They later contacted me and apologised, but it felt hollow, and i dont think they ever truly understood what i went through. In the end the real reason why they contacted me was because the friend group split into 2 and one of my friends wanted me to take sides with them. I later managed to get the 2 groups to apologise and get back together, after that i joined back, simply because they were so welcoming back, I was however still secretly resentful about the past, even though i told them how i felt about it.

Things turned normal again, i was with them again, and felt like i gained my friend group back. Until one in particular, who is the most neurotic, kept causing drama after drama. About the pettiest dumbest shit, you know how people are when they get mad over literally the most absurd, "why the fuck are you mad about this, it is literally so small" things? It didnt matter who caused it, it was always about "who said this" or "they said that", and never someone actually doing something truly hurtful, it was purely distorting truth for his own egoic needs. He was addicted to gossip and was always, angry at someone, there was never not a time where he didnt have a problem with someone, and it made me wonder, who's next? He then started to ignore me, then the others started to as well, i felt like i was speaking to a brick wall when i was in vc, and they'd get mad at me countless times for just something small i say without even thinking, and they'd make fun of me again, even though i supported them in a lot of ways, and i just never understood why they hated me so much, why they made fun of me, why they treated me like shit even though i helped them in a lot of ways whenever the group split apart and needed someone to help make things right, i never understood it because i never treated them like they treated me, and one thing i never understood was, when they all made fun of me and kicked me out, we later tried to make things right and discuss it to get over it a year after it happened but, the most neurotic one said that he was the victim in the situation, and that he was the most hurt, even though my father passed away two weeks before and i was also left traumatized, it was always about him, i did however still love them in so many ways, and then the server suddenly went completely silent, (its normally active everyday), and i guessed it instantly, they were talking in another server without me, to avoid me, because they were scared of kicking me out of the main one. (they did this a lot with other people, had specific servers without certain people to avoid them) And eventually days later, they said that they wont be inviting me back again, simply because i wasnt into what they were into (anime, and really indulging themselves in it, and twitter) and for months i found it so hard to cope, because these were the only friends i ever knew, i really felt like nobody gave a shit about me anymore. I dont think i ever really got over what they did to me, and what puzzles me as it puzzles you is, how they could hurt me so much, without feeling guilty, like i did. I felt more guilt for my shitty actions more than they ever did. But in the end, im glad i left, best decision i ever made was to not go back to them after they kicked me out for the 2nd time. 

And tbh, I still haven't fully forgiven them, every day im trying to peacefully let it go but it unconciously always comes up in my head, so thats something im trying to work on. I guess what ive found out is, everyone has different frameworks and perceptions of reality, some extremely neurotic and toxic, some that serve you in many ways, and some people's framework just simply dont fit into yours, like concepts just arent compatible with their view of the world, so therefore they are incapable of feeling how awful you felt or understanding why its a neurotic thing to do, that'll just dig them in a worse hole. Because i bet those people that made your life hell will start regretting those things once they're in your position, maybe throughout their lives, maybe soon. With them denying that they bullied you and just made it out to be a "joke", imo it isnt a joke if the person getting made fun of isn't enjoying it. 

In the end, karma will take care of them. Judging by their actions they're probably  neurotic, and that can lead them to probably having pretty shitty lives. I know ive poured my heart out, but if you've read to the end, thank you. 

 

In the end my advice, is to accept that they're just different and will probably never understand the perception of the world you have. And when you're ready, spend some time alone to really realise all the shit they've done to you, and just put your middle finger up to them, accept that they'll only ever give dry replies, and cut them out for good, and what ever you do, never look back or go back, work on your life, find a creative output to avoid constant negative thought of them, and whenever you do think of them and the past, either distract yourself immediately, or breath in and let go of the thought through meditation, and when the time comes, you'll eventually be able to forgive them, and find better people to surround yourself with.