Same pattern same old shit need to vent

[Shiva99]

I really don't know what the fuck to do anymore with myself. I'm totally clueless as to how to go about anything at this point. My life is falling apart around me, for the 50th time, and i know this pattern way too well, but i can't stop it, no matter what i do.

I went on a gambling spree, porn spree, started eating shit, drinking alcohol, totally ruined my sleep schedule, didn't do anything to improve myself anymore, and basically started to not care about anything. At this point i'm even in debt, which is something i never thought would happen to me. It's only about €300, but for me that's a lot of money, especially at this moment. Right now i'm totally broke, no more money to even buy food, to do literally anything. Thank god i still have at least some food stored in my place, and i will receive more money in about 4 days, but that doesn't change the way i feel right now at all. I'm so sad and confused, especially because i know i have so much potential if this demon wouldn't take over my life everytime. 

I don't know why this keeps happening to me, but i sure as hell want it to stop. I feel so powerless. A month ago i was meditating, running at least 3 times a week, eating relatively healthy, my mood was decent etc etc and now in such a short period of time it all went downhill. It started slowly by skipping a day of running, and it kept going from there. It always does. It always happens that way. I stop doing something small and than i stop everything all together and ruin everything. I know i can reverse all of this, but i really don't see the point anymore because i know i won't go through with it. I know i will just end up in the same place, because it has been over 10 times like this already. I know if i start meditating again, i will do it for a week or two and drop it. I know if i start running i will drop it again too. I can't go through with anything. Because i get bored, because all of a sudden i just don't care. I keep wondering wtf is wrong with me all the time.

Edited August 26, 2020 by Shiva99

[Red-White-Light]

@Shiva99 Losing interest is a sign of depression you may need to get CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to help understand what’s going on in your mind. There may be deeper issues your not fully conscious of. It may just be a case of not engaging in activity, leading to negative thoughts and emotions and creating a cycle where you think negative thoughts about the activity and feel demotivated to engage in them. You might need to create a better support system, everyone needs someone to talk to. Also fixing your financial situation is very important. Alcohol and Gambling are two things I would be high cautious of. Gambling is statistically against you, you’re guaranteed to lose money from it. Alcohol is a downward spiral stay completely away from that, if you’re an alcoholic. Scale your mood from 1-10 during the day, and find out what lifts your mood in a health way. For me personally self-care increases my mood 2-3 points. Also, I go through cycles of depression and then other times I feel amazing. The main thing is to try to maintain a relatively stable mood.

Edited August 26, 2020 by Red-White-Light

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, Shiva99 said:

 I know if i start meditating again, i will do it for a week or two and drop it. I know if i start running i will drop it again too. I can't go through with anything. Because i get bored, because all of a sudden i just don't care. I keep wondering wtf is wrong with me all the time.

Just imagine....if you were making reality-existence-experience up as you go, then those things will come into fruition just as your say. Then the question might be why are you choosing to create as such via focusing on them. A possible answer is the simplest one, it is what you want. 

2 hours ago, Shiva99 said:

gambling spree, porn spree, started eating shit, drinking alcohol,

Yet these activities are proving not to be what you actually want. They’re not leading to better feeling.  So feeling better, better feeling, is actually what you want. 

How can you claim to know the future, if there isn’t one, and you’re making this up as you go? 

How can you feel better, while you insist you can not? 

Where is feeling Shiva? 

Past? Future? 

External?

Within?

 

Purification arises. It is nondual. There is no ‘on & off’. One option is to buy into the thought story & share it, suppressing the purification / emotional release. Another is not to, ensuring release. 

Fear is something each of us imagines, yet not all of us. 

Just one. 

[wavydude]

@Nahm

What about sexual traumas, repressed desires and deep patters that stem from childhood. I experience a lot of those and it doesn't seem that just "sitting through that" can fix it. Any experience with that or advice ?

[Nahm]

@wavydude

What happened when you did?  How did it go? 

Aside, if you’re interested, read a bit & watch videos regarding the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. Wrap your head around it so to speak, and state (here in this thread) in one sentence what it conveys. (Again, if you’re interested) Then we can talk from there. 

[Shiva99]

On 26-8-2020 at 5:01 PM, Nahm said:

Just imagine....if you were making reality-existence-experience up as you go, then those things will come into fruition just as your say. Then the question might be why are you choosing to create as such via focusing on them. A possible answer is the simplest one, it is what you want. 

No i don't want it. I want a stable normal lifestyle. I always start these habits with the intention of making them stick, not to throw them away a month or two later and not caring about it anymore. 

I've also been wanting to become a Psychologist for a very long time now, but for some reason i always lose interest in pursuing it. But, whenever i stop it, it will always come back in my mind. You are telling me it's because i don't want it deep down? 

On 26-8-2020 at 5:01 PM, Nahm said:

Yet these activities are proving not to be what you actually want. They’re not leading to better feeling.  So feeling better, better feeling, is actually what you want. 

How can you claim to know the future, if there isn’t one, and you’re making this up as you go? 

How can you feel better, while you insist you can not? 

Where is feeling Shiva? 

Past? Future? 

External?

Within?

I don't understand any of this.

[Farnaby]

@Shiva99 I don't think that you want this deep down. 

I think your brain, like every other brain, seeks short term pleasure and avoids pain, discomfort, etc. 

So when you face the choice between a healthy habit (such as exercising, meditating, cooking a healthy meal) and watching porn, gambling, etc., your brain will always tend to the instant gratification from the dopamine rush. 

It also tends to snowball: once you start to go down the "unhealthy" route, it becomes harder to make the healthy choice. If I ask you in the middle of a gambling session if you prefer to order some fast food or stop and cook a healthy dinner, what are you more likely to choose?

The good news is that healthy habits also tend to snowball, although it can be less pronounced, because they usually don't give you an instant gratification. 

Being aware of this is very important. 

There is no easy fix because this is just how our brains work. But the good news is that you can train yourself to not fall so deep into the unhealthy cycle.

IME the most important part for this is starting to sit with the emotions that you're probably trying to escape through all these instant gratifications. 

Another thing that helps me is envision my life if I keep choosing the "easy" path over the "healthy" path. 

But try to not beat yourself up when you relapse. It just means that what you're trying to escape isn't healed yet. It doesn't mean that you are back at square 1. You are constantly learning and getting to know yourself better.

I would also reccomend going to therapy to work on all this stuff with a professional guidance. 

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, Shiva99 said:

I don't understand any of this.

 

3 hours ago, Farnaby said:

sit with the emotions that you're probably trying to escape through all these instant gratifications.