Knowing that you are "That', but unable to acknowledge it

[Nemo28]

I know that I am the "Self" or the god lets say, i know this cause there is in me this which cant be further reduced, there is this one-ness, presence and equinimity and its totally not disturbed by anything, yet somehow im still unable to accept it, and still seeking something else, this is just ridiculous, why cant i seem to be content with being the "Self" and leave all these doubts behind? I guess i still desire some special state, or some fireworks that come with this realization, some magical powers..but there is nothing special about "It", its just undisturbed peace..

[VeganAwake]

Yes this is a problem for the sense of 'self'. It wants cake and to eat it too ?

Enlightenment is the collapsing of the seeker/self that wants to find a special state with fireworks and magic powers.

 

[Nemo28]

2 hours ago, VeganAwake said:

Yes this is a problem for the sense of 'self'. It wants cake and to eat it too ?

Enlightenment is the collapsing of the seeker/self that wants to find a special state with fireworks and magic powers.

 

So in the end I can't have the cake and eat it? 

Today especially I noticed background of stillness to everything that's happening around me, very nice, it's like all the passing cars are like little rocks thrown into the vast ocean and barely make any sound

I feel like ayahuasca is helping me to collapse that seeker/self difference into one. I might do peyote retreat to further melt into oneness. 

Much love <3

[cobalto]

Is the ego who is talking, asking questions, etc. The being is love, flow, as you know ,but the ego isn't weak, he knows many tricks . For me the only way to give some anesthesia to that fucking bastard are drugs. I hope in the future i won't need but for now, without drugs the ego starts with any thinking, like that you said...it's all? It's nothing special for me? And some days later I'm totally egoic again, until I give him an anesthesia. Well , more than anesthesia, a ratio of consciousness that make him smaller. Good bless the psichodelics, but sure there are other ways. Lately I'm thinking that the way of life is really important, but it's not easy to change

Edited August 19, 2020 by cobalto

[Nemo28]

13 minutes ago, cobalto said:

Is the ego who is talking, asking questions, etc. The being is love, flow, as you know ,but the ego isn't weak, he knows many tricks . For me the only way to give some anesthesia to that fucking bastard are drugs. I hope in the future i won't need but for now, without drugs the ego starts with any thinking, like that you said...it's all? It's nothing special for me? And some days later I'm totally egoic again, until I give him an anesthesia. Well , more than anesthesia, a ratio of consciousness that make him smaller. Good bless the psichodelics, but sure there are other ways. Lately I'm thinking that the way of life is really important, but it's not easy to change

Yeah i wish i could see it directly without drugs too.. its so obvious, yet i cant see it..its soul crushing and depressive.

[Nahm]

14 minutes ago, Nemo28 said:

its soul crushing and depressive.

No its not, you’re love. Reality = you being. You are the cake and the eating. You can have your cake and eat it too, and when you do, when you really do...you and every single human on this planets benefits. Soul crushed and depressed is a story to see through, to feel through to clarity, not any actuality. Love you. ???

“I feel like ayahuasca is helping me to collapse that seeker/self difference into one. I might do peyote retreat to further melt into oneness. “

Relative, where you’re at ish comment, but worth consideration imo...imagine a second version of you, same reality but not doing that. Not doing the ‘actual work’ of that ‘collapse’. How honest are you of this reality by comparison? Again, relatively speaking, imo, much, much, much more so. I would even go so far as to say you are collapsing what some settle for as a “conditioned body”. 

 

[Nemo28]

11 minutes ago, Nahm said:

No its not, you’re love. Reality = you being. You are the cake and the eating. You can have your cake and eat it too, and when you do, when you really do...you and every single human on this planets benefits. Soul crushed and depressed is a story to see through, to feel through to clarity, not any actuality. Love you. ???

Words do me no good, they are just sounds, i need drugs to understand this..

I thought i died 2 months ago when i fully surrendered to ayahuasca, but here i am again seeking something again..its never ending, its like life is telling me to to do ayahuasca every month, maybe then i will get it..

Love you too <3 

[Nahm]

@Nemo28

“Two months ago”. Lol. Ok. 

 

[Nemo28]

@Nahm whats so funny  ?

[Nahm]

@Nemo28

Time’s a mental construct, a thought.

[Mu_]

22 hours ago, Nemo28 said:

I know that I am the "Self" or the god lets say, i know this cause there is in me this which cant be further reduced, there is this one-ness, presence and equinimity and its totally not disturbed by anything, yet somehow im still unable to accept it, and still seeking something else, this is just ridiculous, why cant i seem to be content with being the "Self" and leave all these doubts behind? I guess i still desire some special state, or some fireworks that come with this realization, some magical powers..but there is nothing special about "It", its just undisturbed peace..

So what do you want instead?  What do you mean you can't except it?

[VeganAwake]

4 hours ago, Nemo28 said:

So in the end I can't have the cake and eat it? 

Yes,

but not in the end, it's already the case now ?

No individual becomes enlightened because there actually isn't an individual to begin with.... it's an illusory experience.

But being told this doesn't exactly help... you have to LOOK ?

Who is seeking?

Where is it located in the body?

What does it consist of?

 

Much love ❤

 

 

[Nemo28]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

@Nemo28

Time’s a mental construct, a thought.

So mind must die and then reality shall be revealed. Thats what im doing with psychadelics, im killing the mind. 

[Nemo28]

@Mu_ I dont really know what i want, i want it stop to be so boring. I want to really feel like im creating reality to transcend the laws of physics, but probably thats not possible..

[Nemo28]

@VeganAwake maybe i already know that im nothing, but it doesnt make my life any more enriching..i feel bored, but i also dont want to change anything that would disturb my peace, so here i am ..

[Nahm]

 

11 minutes ago, Nemo28 said:

So mind must die and then reality shall be revealed. Thats what im doing with psychadelics, im killing the mind. 

Death is a mental construct, a thought.

Your sentiment & perspective implies you’re a murderer. How does that feel? 

If it feels like resistance, discord with who you really are....start listening, and readily & willingly, let such a perspective go.  

[Brittany]

1 minute ago, Nemo28 said:

@Mu_ I dont really know what i want, i want it stop to be so boring. I want to really feel like im creating reality to transcend the laws of physics, but probably thats not possible..

I WANT is the home. 

This is the death of the "one that wants".

The "one that wants" does not WANT to die. haha

To find it's home, look at the I ____ and the I AM______. Ex: I want happiness. I feel love. I AM angry. I AM SAD. I AM successful . I AM a failure. I AM ugly. I AM beautiful. I want to go to Bali.

Anything you put after I_______ or I AM______, is where you will find the home.

[Nemo28]

@Brittany I know that I am, but its boring realization, what am i supposed to do with it?

[Nemo28]

9 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Your sentiment & perspective implies you’re a murderer. How does that feel? 

i feel like a badass like i transcend death and fear. If you are ready to die, what else there is to fear? 

[Mu_]

53 minutes ago, Nemo28 said:

@Brittany I know that I am, but its boring realization, what am i supposed to do with it?

Well what exactly did you realize?  It sounds like in your description that you see some undisturbed peace in your inner experience from a distance, but its not embodied.  Like you can point to it and go oh, thats cool and peaceful, but it seems boring and what am I supposed to do with this peaceful object thing over there, and ultimately you feel mostly bored more so then at peace.
 

Does that make sense or feel accurate?