Shubhanshu san

How does one conquer the fear of shame?

12 posts in this topic

Hi, I have had an unfavorable past, that downed my self esteem, like being beaten by bullies, crying on stage in front of the audience because I didn't know what to say, punished by teachers because I always forgot to do the homework, I am a highly emotional and sexed guy (I used to do weird things in the childhood because they appealed my sexuality(not the physical expression)) parents thought I was cursed lmao, girl that I liked as a kid always laughed at me when I went on stage to speak something (Things changed later xD) and many more. I have worked upon my self esteem quite a lot, until I saw what really caused me to behave in certain ways up until now was my fear of shame. This fear made me fear awkward situations, abandonment and rejection.

How I tried to fix it:

I triggered this emotion through visualization of my past or even things that didn't happen that trigger shame in me. I made myself feel as ashamed as possible. I have stopped running from it, but I really really REALLY seek to master this, because this has been like the source of every thought (on a subconscious level).. means every thought in me is driven by this fear of shame (when I am in certain situations).

I try to suppress this fear in situations like speaking to the audience, but I still feel reminiscence of it all the time. How do I liberate myself off of this fear on a subconscious level?
Thank you!

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3 minutes ago, Shubhanshu san said:

I try to suppress this fear in situations like speaking to the audience

IME trying to suppress it doesn't really work, you will still feel it. 

It's like rejecting a part of yourself that's there for a good reason, even if it's a reminiscence from the past. That part tried to protect you from feeling as bad as you did and the best way to do that was triggering shame so you don't expose yourself to those situations. 

I can relate to that shame and haven't been able to heal it completely. For instance, I still feel the fear of talking to strangers. But by facing that fear over and over again and by accepting it when it appears, it doesn't paralize me as much as it did. 

I think it's certainly possible to heal it completely, but I guess it takes a long time or maybe I haven't gotten to the root of it.

Have you tried therapy? 

I'm also curious if someone has healed such emotional wounds completely. 

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Look closer. What is the underlying fear of shame. What do you think are the needs behind it?

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21 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

Have you tried therapy? 

I haven't tried therapy, but yeah I have done sort of a therapy on myself. I felt shame through visualization on levels that made me squeeze my facial muscles and cry.

10 minutes ago, universe said:

What do you think are the needs behind it?

I understand it from an evolutionary and a survival view point. I can see it through an existential view point too (maybe vaguely) but it doesn't seem to disappear from my actions, or maybe it is disappearing but very slowly.

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@Shubhanshu san therapy might be worth a shot. It's not the same to use therapeutic techniques by yourself than to have another person who can be present with you and guiding you.

Especially since we're talking about something that was learnt in relationships with others, I think it would be beneficial to heal it in a relationship. Group therapy would be great as well. 

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3 hours ago, Shubhanshu san said:

I try to suppress this fear in situations like speaking to the audience, but I still feel reminiscence of it all the time. How do I liberate myself off of this fear on a subconscious level?

"What you resist persists" Suppressing/resisting "shame" is actually feeding a lot of energy into it, whereas being at peace and letting it happen without resistance is feeding less energy into it. The more energy you feed into something, the more it will be part of your reality! 

Shame isn't a part of you, it's a separate thing that you can observe and detach yourself from (like detaching yourself from thoughts during meditation for example) 

If you observe it as something separate that you allow to run its course, eventually it will dissipate  :) 

When you do the shame/fear visualizations, are you feeling the shame and then does it lead to more shame and a negative spiral? Or are you resisting the feelings? Or are you letting the feelings free?


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it" -Rumi

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You could try looking at the work of Byron Katie, in particular "Who Would You Be Without Your Story?"

On the one hand, there are the events which happen in our lives, and on the other hand there are the stories we tell ourselves about these events. And we believe our stories and so we suffer. We become free by letting go of our stories.

It sounds simple but it is not always easy. We identify with our story and we believe that our stories define who we are.  We don't stop to question our stories because they seem so real. But it is all just a story we tell ourselves.

So, Shubhanshu san, who would you be without your story?

Peace

 

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An antitode for shame is treathing yourself whit Self Compassion!! Jou can look it up : Kristin neff , chris germer Self Compassion

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I think that this technique of yours lacks self-compassion. Not all things in life are conquered through brute force. The moment you slice one head of the hydra, other two pop up.

Watch Leo's video on self-love:

 

 


”What we do now echoes in eternity.” — Marcus Aurelius 

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Thank you for all eye opening answers. Really appreciate it!

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On 8/7/2020 at 3:20 PM, Shubhanshu san said:

I triggered this emotion through visualization of my past or even things that didn't happen that trigger shame in me. I made myself feel as ashamed as possible. I have stopped running from it, but I really really REALLY seek to master this

How about you take this one step further?

After triggering and feeling this intense emotion inside you, FORGIVE YOURSELF for all the situations that resulted in people laughing or rejecting you. Love yourself, understand yourself!! You had to act precisely the way you did because of everything that had happened in the past and how you had been conditioned. Love is what will heal you!!!! Forgive and let go!!! Visualizing this emotion isn't gonna be enough. Take this to the next level and I hope you'll manage to get over this fear. 

Good luck ^_^


I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me.

But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world.

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On 8/7/2020 at 9:20 AM, Shubhanshu san said:

I really really REALLY seek to master this
 

I don’t have words for how much I appreciate you stating that. 

The key is it’s not actually happening. You’re thought about it, is what’s present, what’s actual. The instant you recognize that, purification begins. The “secret” to mastering emotion is that you’re creating it. There’s nothing to master. 😕 Only to understand & recognize in direct experience that you are. Shame is one perspective, which is in misunderstanding. How can you know? Suffering. How it feels. Understanding & compassion are another perspective. Perspectives are like socks. We can change them readily. One pair won’t work forever. 

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