Raptorsin7

Record of Feelings

14 posts in this topic

I'm going to start recording my feelings, according to the AH emotional scale.

I guess the goal is to develop more emotional intelligence, but we'll see how this plays out.

 

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I feel powerless.

Note:  

  • It's difficult to pick one word that describes my current emotional state. It seems like i can describe this state with a number of different words, but does that defeat the purpose of the journal if i'm using 10 different words for a single emotional state?
  • I would also say i feel heavy, lost/directionless, ashamed, worthless.
  • I think all these words are describing a single emotional state? A worthless person would also be feeling ashamed and would also feel powerless. 

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I feel guilt/shame when my mom does stuff for me like make my lunch for work, or bosses me around. I judge myself for being a man-child, and when she does that stuff for me I feel the shame and guilt. 

Note:

  • I think i fear that if someone was watching they would judge me negatively, and i also judge myself negatively for it.

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Now this is a journal I'm interested in reading!!! Where's the fucking popcorn. ? ah heeyyy what do you kno?, here it is ?. ? Ok so don't mind me continue.... lol...

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@Sombra  Haha i'm glad you're following. 

I respect your style and I love your journal. Consider this one the opposite of yours. This is self loathing, weakness, and apathy. But the emotions flying higher to your set -_-

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I feel pressure in the center of my head, and tension in the crown of my head.

I feel heavy.

Note:

  • I've heard descriptions of depression where there's a feeling of moving through mud, or moving through molases. I'm not sure if i'm just describing my experience with those words, I have no way of comparing to an actual bench mark or anything.
  •  I've never been diagnosed with mania or depression. But i've had the highs and lows over this past year that i think fits bipolar type 2. The thing is idk what's the difference between being engaged, motivated, inspired and what's unhealthy hypomania.

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I feel regret, stemming from thoughts about dropping out of law school. 

I feel shame when I think about peoples response when I tell them I dropped out. 

I feel the sensation in my head deeply right now. This is the part of my body responsible for all my good trips. It's all like the pressure and tension is wound them in this one region. I've yet to learn about how to control this area and release it naturally. The only way I know of is with lsd, but I havent taken it in months. Psychs are my last resort if none of this other stuff works out for me. God willing they won't be necessary.

 

Note:

  • What bothers me now is how I'm at a complete low, and law school was at least something to look forward to, and a source of pride. Also, I think of some jobs I could have done with the degree.
  • It was such a hasty and impulsive decision. I had like 3 days per exam because of covid and I could have just wrote the exams and then decided to drop out later. It was complete self sabotage
  • I notice that I dont fully feel emotions from thoughts. I want to feel emotions deeply, even negative emotions I don't feel deeply and consistently.
  • Emotional blockage and suppression is likely my default state 

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I feel tense. When i bring attention to how i feel, the first thing i notice is the tension/pressure in my head.

I feel lethargic and heavy.

Note:

  • My mood is very unstable. Sometimes i feel okay and can think clearly about what i want to do next, and how i can overcome this stage of my life. Then other times i just feel so much regret, doubt, lethargy that i feel like i can't even function properly.
  • I am seeking comfort at every turn throughout the day and it's killing me i know it. Facing fears and getting uncomfortable is the name of the game of growing I think, and i am doing the complete opposite and it's just adding to the depression.

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20 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:
  • I've never been diagnosed with mania or depression. But i've had the highs and lows over this past year that i think fits bipolar type 2. The thing is idk what's the difference between being engaged, motivated, inspired and what's unhealthy hypomania.

The difference is probably whether you're functioning well or not.

16 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:
  • I notice that I dont fully feel emotions from thoughts. I want to feel emotions deeply, even negative emotions I don't feel deeply and consistently.
  • Emotional blockage and suppression is likely my default state 

Careful what you wish for.

23 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I feel tense. When i bring attention to how i feel, the first thing i notice is the tension/pressure in my head.

I feel lethargic and heavy.

Note:

  • My mood is very unstable. Sometimes i feel okay and can think clearly about what i want to do next, and how i can overcome this stage of my life. Then other times i just feel so much regret, doubt, lethargy that i feel like i can't even function properly.
  • I am seeking comfort at every turn throughout the day and it's killing me i know it. Facing fears and getting uncomfortable is the name of the game of growing I think, and i am doing the complete opposite and it's just adding to the depression.

Taking hikes in nature helps me a lot. Especially when I sit down and meditate, and walk in a slower pace.

Also, try aiming at a stable mood by applying awareness to particular times where you feel out of touch. Ex: right after waking up, notice that your mood is probably very different from how it was before going to sleep. Try to maintain a narrower range of mood swings. And build it up until you reach a stable level.

.

Anyway nice journal. Props to you for this level of transparency.

Edited by Gesundheit

If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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I feel inferior looking at the Instagram of a girl I went out with a few times. 

I envy her and the kind of person she is. She was so well adjusted, kind, aware, and smart, and grown up/responsible. 

I want what she has, but I don't know how to not feel defective and feel right.

Note:

  • It bothers me because she is a good girl, a solid stage yellow international student. 
  • She is a self actualized human imo, and I just didn't live up. I think she sensed I was kind of lazy, entitled, immature, and that I wasn't a good catch and she was right.
  • I've felt this inferiority about certain people my whole life. Part of it is my race, I've always had an inferiority complex about being Indian. 
  • I also feel inferior about the kind of person I am, and the life I live. I'm as smart as anyone in a good university, but I lack the character. Some people at college were volunteering, going to parties, planning their future etc. I didn't do any of that stuff, and I feel inferior looking at people now who did.

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I don't even know how to describe my current feelings. There's just a flat, empty feeling.

It feels hopeless, i really have no idea what to do. 

Note:

  • I want to purpose, drive, and a reason to live and thrive. But i'm stuck just ruminating and going in circles in my mind. 
  • I'm such a fuck up. Dropping out the way i did it was so fucking stupid, it was a classic immature, irresponsible, idiot move. 
  • My main hope is anti depressants, i feel like that's a flimsy fucking thing to put hope into. I'm basically using anti depressants the way i'm using enlightenment. Putting my hopes and dreams in something external that will fulfill me, and finally allow me to get my life going.
  • I really hope i can get out of this and start a new chapter of my life that is happy and positive. But it feels hopeless right now, and i see no signs of things turning around soon. 
  • I feel like i'm getting what i deserve too, so many years of being an immature idiot who didn't take responsiblity, now it's coming back around and i'm paying the price.

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I feel the insides of my cheek and sensations in my forehead.

I feel a sense of grief and sadness, i can sort of bring out a subtle feeling of sadness when i just bring attention to how I feel. But it never lasts long enough for a full emotional release.

Note:

  • I'm stuck in a rut of negative thoughts throughout the day, and i'm making virtually no progress in life at the moment. 
  • I'm going to start meditating again, and the goal is to practice immediately after waking up. Throughout this entire depressive period of my life, i've yet to wake up and immediately meditate so let's hope that makes a difference.

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Can I write a little bit of my experience? It was just yesterday, and it had been that too. 

I am not telling this experience as the same to yours but by the way I want to stress this quote from my book about buddhism. 

"Think by heart, feel by mind" 

Actually do it, it is what it means. No abstract. No visualisations. Feel that you can think by your heart and use the mind to feel the whole body. 

It took me back for a long time that I could not feel anything even orgasm.

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I'm not sure how to describe how I feel. I do believe i'm disconnected from my feelings so i have difficult recognizing what i'm feeling.

I wonder if what i feel is just fear. Fear of shame, fear of guilt. Fear of getting a job. Fear of taking responsibility. 

But i don't feel the visceral fear that comes up when i'm around heights, or in a tense situation. I never faced my fears growing up, i just hid and ran away from scary situations. Even now i'm just sitting at home, afraid to face the world and get my life going. 

 

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