Less is more

[Gesundheit]

 

[Gesundheit]

Oh my God! I just realized that I have been aware of nothingness since my early childhood. I didn't know that I was aware of it. How stupid!

I come from a Muslim family, and so while growing up, people used to say the word Allah a lot. The moment my realization happened was the moment I asked my mom about Allah. She said that Allah created everything blah blah blah. I didn't understand the meaning of any of that. But then I asked her; how does Allah look like? And she said that he does not have a form and cannot be perceived. At that moment, I got a clear definitive intuition of God as nothingness, and it stuck with me till this day. Only I didn't realize that before. I have never not been aware of nothingness.

[Gesundheit]

One of the most important and life-changing distinctions I've started learning to make after my vacation/retreat is the distinction between being soft and harsh with others. Before that, I didn't know such distinction exists except in theory. I used to just be blunt with everyone and expect them to be the same with me because that's how the general environment in the city I where live. Now I truly realize that I live in one of the least developed places in the entire world. Even to have gone to another city in the same country felt like a huge leap. This is because of the huge gap in development between us here and the rest of the world, besides the amounts of traumas that we'd had to endure during the civil war, which we're still suffering the consequences of.

My vacation/retreat was very eye-opening. I've learned many things besides my mystical insights. I'll make a list below of a few examples for the things I've noticed to be different from my city. But generally and fundamentally, here in my city, there's very little concern or respect for one's well-being physically, let alone psychologically, even between friends and amongst families. We're expected to not be affected by anything at this point, or if we're affected to suck it up or do something about it by ourselves without appealing to authority.
Now it's become somewhat more easier (still kinda hard though) for me to distinguish between situations where I need to show some aggressiveness or disrespect, and where I need to be soft, loving, and generally more positive, regardless of the interaction itself or the content of the message. This is huge for me as I have been interacting with others rather unconsciously, for the most part, regarding this aspect, for my entire life up until this point. Life here is very opportunist and machiavellian, and everyone is extremely corrupt and unconscious. There is a civil law and courts and everything, but they're too corrupt they're completely ineffective, it's almost like they don't exist. Here money and social connections are above the law. Law only exists in theory, and as a way for higher classes to oppress and control the classes lower to them. This is the case all over the country, and it's not particularly exclusive to my city, but still my city is definitely on the top of the most corrupt places on earth list.

The list of examples for what made this change for me:

• Public transport drivers there were generally more polite, unlike here. Here you say thank you, but they rarely respond. They don't smile. They curse each other and it's kinda normalized (due to competition). They don't return the change. For example, if the ticket is 75 (insert currency name here) and you give them a 100 (currency name), they will say they don't have a 25 change, and so they get to earn an additional 30%+ of the fee for themselves for each straphanger. 
• People using public transport were generally more cheerful and laid-back there. I've heard multiple jokes. For example; once someone took off the bus, and people started to exchange seats. And then I hear the guy next to me chuckling and saying: are they playing checkers?! lol
• People here stare at you for no apparent reason in a very strange way. Even if you're just normally walking down the streets, people will stare at you like you're some sort of an alien or a criminal or a terrorist (not really sure what their looks mean). People there (and I assume everywhere else) don't care to look at anyone normal for more than a second or two. I've confirmed this observation from my friends so I'm not biased or seeing things at all. I've asked a few friends here and they stated that people look at them in a really weird way.
• Women here aren't able to sit in the seat next to the bus driver. It's frowned upon. There, women have more rights and freedom relative to here (I've seen a lot of female owners of supermarkets there, which is extremely rare here and limited to Christian areas), although relative to first world countries there's no comparison. The reason why that is the case, is because there are many sects in Islam. In my city, the Sunni sect is predominant. There, the Shiite sect is predominant. Sunni is more fundamentalist than Shiite. It is closer to Salafi Wahabist fundamentalism even though still not really close. 

Of course, everything I said here is generally speaking. There are certainly exceptions in both cities, but generally, that is the case.

At first, I hesitated to write about these insights so that I can be more neutral and objective. I didn't want to jump to conclusions very quickly so I waited for about a month. And man, I struggled so much to settle down and accommodate once again to this city. It's really hard and painful to go back to contraction after expansion. This explains a few things for me. The more developed I get; spiritually and cognitively and so on, the harder for me it gets to get along with the people here. This explains the strong obsessive desire to kill others that I've experienced twice in the past few months. I'm torn between two modes of being. I either have to suppress my growth and succumb to the status quo, or I have to be myself and let shit be. The problem is that letting shit be could really mean shit. There could really be a friction between me and others which could get me killed or make me want to kill. I really feel like I'm stuck in a place where I don't belong and that something really odd is going to happen if I keep moving up.

[Gesundheit]

I'm a devil and I don't know anything.

[Gesundheit]

Enlightenment is total insanity. It is the death of the mind.

[Member]

13 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

Enlightenment is total insanity. It is the death of the mind.

Enlightenment is the awakening of the Mind.

"Less is more" - are you a minimalist?

[Gesundheit]

@Member I don't know what I am anymore. I don't identify with anything in particular except for being a devil.

[Gesundheit]

In this life, survival should be the least of your concerns. In fact, it should be completely trivial and not even pass your mind. You should never invest even one thought thinking about survival because it's a waste of time and energy and a cause of several problems including fear and neurosis and so on. Your only objective in life should be to flow with life. You should not think about preventing death because you will die eventually anyways. Besides that you can never know what will survive you better.

Just be.

[Gesundheit]

Pain, suffering, and disease (physical or mental) are all inevitable consequences/symptoms of excessive greed/fear/manipulation/ego-mind. It's God's way of humiliating the ego-mind and maintaining justice in the world. The closer you are to God, the less of those things you will experience. The cleaner your money/survival is, the less of those things you will experience. Not only that, but you pay for your ancestors' mistakes too. Why? Because they left this realm before they could pay their debts, and so they inherit you with whatever they inherit you with, and inheritance contains pain, suffering, and disease.

Such a weird and counter-intuitive insight!

[Gesundheit]

I found out yesterday that my last girlfriend; the one, the only one whom I truly loved, is now back to her sober mind after experiencing a psychotic episode a few months ago. And now she's starting university and everything seems okay. I wonder what happened. She didn't contact me. I opened her Facebook profile and saw the news. I know that I am being a little bit of a stalker, but hey, that's the love of my life we're talking about. The moment I found out; I was shocked and my body started shivering not sure why. I somehow felt betrayed, but at the same time was glad to know she's fine. The only thing that made me feel better is that she wrote in her bio: "I'm just a story", which had been in my Facebook bio during our relationship, and which was kinda my motto. Now my Facebook bio is: "Done", which means I'm done with everything, including her. I don't know what she is thinking, but why didn't she contact me? During my retreat, I meditated, and some emotions started bubbling up, so I picked up my phone and called her number. She picked up and said hello, and I did not reply. She said hello for a minute or so and then asked who's there? I still did not reply. Then she hung up. At that moment, I decided to delete her number and move on. But somehow something is still there. When she was psychotic, she called me and did not recognize who I was. It broke my heart. I felt the weirdest nihilistic loneliness in my life. Just the thought that your loved one is here with you but at the same time is not. So sad. Another thing happened to me when I knew she was back is that my perception of life and how to go about it did change for a few hours. Suddenly I knew what I should be doing and it all made sense, then I took a walk at night, meditated, listened to some sad music, cried a little (strange, I used to cry a lot more), and then returned back to normal perception. Right now I'm not sure about my emotions towards her, and I'm not sure what she wants by choosing to type that bio. If she's thinking that I'm gonna talk to her, then she's dreaming. Not because I don't want her. But because I don't want anyone anymore. I am really done. I can't afford getting hurt like that again. I put all my trust in God and her, and both betrayed me and left me alone, even though nothing was personal or even in her control. Besides, my financial situation is shit and it's not gonna get any better regardless of what I work. The main problem we broke up was her parents. She comes from a Christian family, and I come from a Muslim family. This one difference was their biggest "concern", or so they claimed. I told them that I don't care about religion and that I would gladly change it if they were to accept our relationship. They said that there will be remnants of Islam within me and that both families won't get along. But that's not how it actually works. It's all just about money. I know several cases where Christians give their daughters to Muslim families. They all agree if, and only if, the Muslim family is rich. All of their values and principles and beliefs suddenly vanish when money knocks on their door. Money does not even need to knock, it doesn't ask for agreement, it breaks the door and takes whatever it wants. It's a well-known, the most well-known fact. I used to have a Christian female friend who used to be married to a rich Muslim family but is now divorced. She told me everything. Her husband used to beat her up until she's bleeding, but she had to suck it up for 9 years until she could not take it anymore. She has three little children and all are girls. Now she rarely gets to see them. And her parents hate her because she got a divorce. It's just so sad. So, anyway, as I was saying, the key to her parents heart is money, which I don't have. So it's a dead end. I don't want to have high hopes and be wishful or make any unrealistic promises that I can't fulfil. The reality is that we can't be together. And unless things change, I will not make a move. Even if she does contact me, I will reject. It won't work. In the meantime, I will work on overcoming my attachment to her. And I'll try to not care whether she's still attached to me or not. Because that's her problem, not mine. I will not allow myself to hurt myself again, ever.

[Gesundheit]

I will survive without all the human delusions and shit. God will survive me.

[Gesundheit]

God's conspiracy against me: he creates a desire within me and then makes it impossible to become reality. Right now I really want to Trump to win the elections. But guess what? Biden will. Not that I give a damn about America or Americans or politics for that matter (I don't believe politics is real), but I want to see the faces of those progressives on the forum melting. That's what I desire, but God won't let me have it, cuz it will strengthen my ego. I want to see Leo's reaction when he finds out Trump wins again. Disappoint me again, God. Life has never been anything to me other than a huge let-down and consistent disappointments.

[Gesundheit]

My very young and good friend challenged me a couple of months ago to get drunk using Vodka. She asked me if I would like to do something crazy, I asked her like what? She said idk like getting drunk. I told her whoa, I don't do that, it's not my thing. Then she told me she did it a few days ago. Both of us come from Muslim families, but she's totally nuts and literally the devil. She's stuck in atheism and some non-conformist behavioral stage. Everything forbidden, she has a desire to try and explore. After that, I asked her if there's any other crazy things in her mind too. She said yeah what about smoking weed? And I was like wtf! What is wrong with her?! I told her pass. She was disappointed but started making up excuses like spiritual advancement and all that to justify her desires. I told her that it's illegal, and that there are other purer substances that don't cause addiction and have less side effects. That didn't seem to shake her desire. I told her I know someone who experiences extremely terrible panic attacks and anxiety and other symptoms due to smoking pot. She was still skeptical and asked for links. She's totally insane. But anyway, the reason why I'm talking about this is because a few days after that conversation, I started having a desire to get drunk. I even started looking up methods to induce drunkenness naturally, but there's not much possibility. I remained like that for a few days until I kicked out that desire. It's like I was seduced and tempted by the devil. I started having thoughts like how bad is it gonna be? C'mon just try this experience for once for reference. Etc.... And at some point, the desire peaked and really wanted to try drinking, but I was still hesitant and never acted on it. I am proud of myself for that, and I don't have that desire anymore. I follow the way of the most natural.

[Gesundheit]

On 04/11/2020 at 5:08 AM, Gesundheit said:

God's conspiracy against me: he creates a desire within me and then makes it impossible to become reality. Right now I really want to Trump to win the elections. But guess what? Biden will. Not that I give a damn about America or Americans or politics for that matter (I don't believe politics is real), but I want to see the faces of those progressives on the forum melting. That's what I desire, but God won't let me have it, cuz it will strengthen my ego. I want to see Leo's reaction when he finds out Trump wins again. Disappoint me again, God. Life has never been anything to me other than a huge let-down and consistent disappointments.

 

God, never ceases to disappoint.

Leo is probably masturbating to Biden's pictures right now experiencing some universal orgasms lol

 

[Gesundheit]

How can people be this naive and believe this is true?!

[Gesundheit]

Everyone is literally stuck wherever they are, and there's absolutely no way out of right here and now, except in another here and now somewhere in the future. The notion of helping others and getting help is completely destroyed. When things happen, they happen. Even to take responsibility is not something you can make it happen. You can't create responsibility. It has to exist within you first for it to manifest in your life and make a difference. Responsibility is ultimately just fear. If you're fearless, you couldn't be responsible. And now this, what I'm doing here is none of my choice or control, maybe as a human. But as the designer of this mystery, it might be all of my choice and under my control. Then again, maybe that's just narcissism on my part. Regardless, I'm still just a human doing its human things thinking about things that can not be known except in belief.

Edited November 13, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

I have all the answers in life. I just don't have any answers to life. I don't know why. Everything is extremely obvious on the most fundamental levels and it's easy to understand how things happen and why. The only thing that I don't understand is why life is happening at all.

[Gesundheit]

LMFAO WTF is this?! ???????

The GTA version is much cooler:

 

[Gesundheit]

I don't wanna be better or liked or anything. I just wanna be happy.

[Gesundheit]

The only difference between humans and all other creatures is control.