Awakening - "practical Toolkit"

[Ayla]

I have decided to share with you some insights and practical tools that have helped me in my journey. All of these are directly experienced and not something that I read in an article or heard in a video (even though it might happen that I'll share  some backing up info in my postings here). 

This topic is NOT about finding "I" but about the aftermath of that or the hindrances to finding it. 

This is a continuation, hopefully more detailed and focused of this post: 

You may find some of my more personal insights in this post also. 

 

[Ayla]

This topic is intended to help those of you who are seriously pursuing enlightenment work. 

A bit of a "dictionary" of terms, as they will be used here: 

I = life = this = God 

enlightenment = realization of no-self = "pathless path" / "gateless gate"

E-Work = enlightenment integration work

Let's begin. 

Awakening tends to just happen. Either is it a result of profound suffering or dissatisfaction, or it may just happen at a random moment in life. 

The best that I can describe it is like the awakening in the morning. If you look with awareness at that time when you first wake up, you will notice that there is a moment where something is REALIZING that it is awake. 

* a good habit is to become very aware of the few seconds just before you go to sleep, and few seconds just when you wake up. It is a sort of an "awareness training" that would give you many insights into how mind seems to work. 

Even though it is personal and it may manifest in different ways, the GENERAL flavor of this awakening is one of complete acceptance, love, oneness and peace. 

Here is what I wrote the day I had the first glimpse: 

Quote

Nothing to DO

Nothing to UNDERSTAND

Nothing to CHANGE

Nothing to SOLVE

JUST BE !

Enjoy. Wonder. Play. Explore. Bask. Immerse.

What I didn't understand at that time and what took me completely off guard, was that... it was JUST an experience that came and it was going to go. 

The journey that took me from there to here is what I want to concentrate on here. 

It is ESSENTIAL that you understand that an enlightened being, I prefer the term "free" or "liberated" being, is not one living in the above mentioned pure bliss. Not in the beginning. Not even very soon. The length of this path to full bliss is dependent of several factors: 

1. Self-honesty 
2. ability to transcend deep inner programming
3. focus and commitment 

 

[Ayla]

Self-Honesty:

Once you have had the first glimpse, that moment of REALIZATION, of always being THAT, perfect, infinite and timeless, the real path begins. 

What to look for - hindrances: 

• SELF-agenda - more or less unconscious. If you want to become enlightened because it will bring you "{xyz}" , think again. What you are embarking on is a path where that self that is searching for whatever dreams it might have, THAT SELF, is not real. The self agenda might manifest as: wanting to feel good, wanting to become better, wanting to take advantage of, superiority issues, etc. 
• Running away - if you are embarking on this path from a desire to run away from emotional/psychological/physical pain, again, think twice. How to recognize when you are running away as opposed to "dropping the story" (I will probably later on write an entire post on this): in essence, running away feels fearful and constrictive. It leads you into DOING: addictions, reading, Youtube, endless back and forth communication, sports, going out, etc. 
• Bypassing - using spiritual concepts as a dogma. You remain at a level where, even though you know exactly what to say and do, you have accumulated TONS of information that you can provide (parrot), there is no real WORK being done. It is all at mind level. An analogy that I can find, is that you pretend that you are a world class cook, by showing your collection of kitchen utensils, ovens, cutting boards and other "paraphenalia", but in reality, you never cooked a single cake! 

*little note on last point: let's say that someone who ate a particular cake, is given the description of that cake by someone who only ever READ about it. The person that already ate the cake, will ALWAYS KNOW, and others might feel it too, that the other one only read about it. 

ADVICE: Follow your longing. Make this an absolute priority. When you have found something that resonates with you, STOP the search and work that tool! Working the tool means to really sit down and do whatever it proposed in it, as opposed to just mentally understanding the principle and moving on to the next thing. 

 

Ability to transcend deep inner programming: 

You do not need to go looking for things to fix or to transcend or to integrate. Life will put them right in front of you. I will give you a  personal example: After my first full day of pure bliss, next morning came in with a loud bang: "why would YOU be enlightened?"  - I had done enough shadow work by then (Teal Swan, Noaf Elkrief)  to recognize immediately the "worthlessness" issue coming up to be looked into. I immediately begun working on that, and this is also when I found Mooji. 

So, whenever something comes up into your direct experience that feels anything less than pure bliss and acceptance, it should become like a bell for you that says: "LOOK INSIDE". Here is how to do that: 

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Right hand / left hand exercise:

Let's say that you're called Mary and you're addicted to sugar. 

The only reason Mary goes to the sugar cabinet is because this is the way she always dealt with a certain type of a feeling in her body. It's a neuronal path that is so walked on, that it feels natural for body to reach for the sugar when the feeling comes. 

Instead of going to the sugar, immediately sit down and see what it is that your body feels. Write it down. Write down what is happening if you chose not to go there. Let's say that what comes up is: "if I don't go for the sugar (alcohol, smokes, drama, lying, drugs etc), I feel alone and misunderstood." Can you see little Mary as a child being alone and misunderstood? Can you give her your adult hand and comfort her? Can you tell her it is OK to go for the sugar as a self-love act towards herself? It is, ultimately an act of love to soothe any pain that comes. 

Here comes the interesting part  

Do you, adult Mary feel too weak to help little Mary? Shift your focus! Look at adult Mary from a few feet up. See her body. See her struggling. See her drama. Soothe adult Mary from a "vibrational" standpoint. 

In the end, it should look like this: Adult Mary's left hand is keeping little Mary's hand tight, soothing her. Adult Mary's right hand is in BIG Mary's hand soothing her. A chain is created. A chain of love. Look for something smaller than little Mary and for something bigger than big Mary. Link everything. 

If worked properly, this is a VERY powerful tool. Any time a frustration comes, reach out for both little and big YOU. Soothe and let yourself be soothed. Mentally understanding what is going on never solved anything. Those instances are only there to teach you absolute love. It is not a logic exercise. 

*******

Quote

Teddy-bear exercise:

Come out of the mind and into the senses: look for the acceptance of what it is that you are FEELING within your body. If acceptance cannot be found, embrace the resistance itself. (Resistance is acceptance in slow motion.)

Engage with the sensations, because even though they may seem like threatening your life because of how uncomfortable they feel, in fact nothing is happening that is not trying to PROTECT you in some way.  

Gently ask the sensations: what is it that you are trying to show me or protect me from? ( sometimes an image or brief words may appear, other times, nothing comes, other times mind intervenes with yet another story - embrace). Tell the sensations that it is OK and that their efforts are greatly appreciated! Tell mind: "thank you for trying to control and protect... but your role will change to a new exciting one now" and then disengage from it. 

Bring body feelings to the forefront and treat them as you would a teddy-bear. Gently, softly, playfully. 

Some kind of a "release sign" will come up at one point - a huge sigh, a yawn, a burp... 

***

Quote

Break it down exercise:

When an emotion - usually perceived as negative - appears, this is what is meant by "sitting with it" (in my current view anyway) 

Acknowledge the bodily sensation that occurs: tingling, hotness, itchiness, hardness, bloating, burning, shaking etc. You might want to find a name for the sensation BUT naming the sensation ONLY serves to isolate it so that it is not missed/blocked. If you cannot find a name for it, that's OK, don't go into mind mode to search for words.

Here comes the second part - the link or pattern that you have adopted. The association between this physical component and the THOUGHT that is coming right after. This link is mostly unconscious and here is where awareness needs to be applied. This link is deeply personal and induced by your own experiences in life.

So broken down it looks like: (e.g.)

"tingling in legs (physical sensation) >>> THIS MEANS THAT (unconscious link/pattern/association)>>>>I feel fear (thought)" 

If you pull them apart from each other, there's no logical way to assume that a tingling in legs means fear... (void in heart area means sadness, tension in head means anger...etc)

So first part of the sitting with the emotion is acknowledging/isolating the PHYSICAL Sensation: 

what is it that I physically feel?

which areas of body? 

which one is most prevalent/intense?

BECOME AWARE that there is a LINK >>> an unconscious association of the particular physical sensation with a thought. Mindfulness and presence is essential here. 

The thought that follows is complete illusion and needs no attention to it at all. Just leave it aside for now. ( I'm scared, hurt, sad, mad, angry.....) 

Once you are in this phase, the real work begins. 

Put all of your attention on the physical sensation. Yes, thought will try to come back over and over. Once you acknowledge the LINK, you can drop the thought. Gently be aware of the fact that the feeling does not mean anything, it is just a feeling in body.

Focusing on feeling body resembles that of enjoyment of a piece of quality chocolate (or whatever else you enjoy deeply). There is no pain in a tingling, or hot, or cold... what hurts is the ASSOCIATION with the thought that you perceive negative. I'm not going to lie though, it does not feel comfortable at all but the only reason for that is because it is a physical sensation that you have avoided all your life (because it has been associated with negative thoughts).

Keep your mind occupied with gently discarding the thoughts - I personally use a gentle "shhhh" to help me keep thought away.

The understanding/knowing that the trouble is the LINK between physical sensations and thoughts will come gradually with experience, and will become the KEY to this process. Keep feeling the sensation. No judgement. No interpretation. Just the physicality of it. Anything that comes mentally has no relevance whatsoever.

During this, some images can come up, some memories, usually very short and powerful, like a flash. Do not bother about them, they will remain there. Where even "experienced feelers" go "wrong" with this is that they start building on the story that comes up and lose the focus on feeling the body. That's why most of the times, same thing has to be worked with over and over again, until sensation is fully felt and released. 

The images or memories that come up can be "worked with" after the feeling process. Just bring back the image that came up - this is also a way to recognize it as something else than mind chatter: it is short and powerful and remains there even after process of feeling is done. It will have some form of a revelation about the implications in your life of what it is you just felt. It will usually reveal the pattern. That is not essential though. No need to do that or build a story. What is ESSENTIAL is the feeling.

Focus and commitment:

Once you have embarked on this path, NOTHING is apart from it! Everything is part of the letting go of what you thought it was YOU. You will have to find ways to keep focused and to go on, even and especially those days when everything will feel like death. Find a guide, a guru, an YouTube channel, a E-buddy, a teacher, etc. One note here: At one point, that too will need to be let go of. 

Sometimes, the "pull" of the first glimpse will be enough to keep you focused. Other times not - prepare for these times: keep "emergency" aid at hand (this post might be one), favorite videos, techniques, people, etc. Use everything you can to move you forward..

Willingness to accept that...you're wrong! 

Having an open ear and open eyes - being able to listen and to read "spiritual concepts - is not enough. Actually integrating these concepts demands the willingness to admit that your old paradigm is..."wrong". Become aware of your own barriers inside that stop new perspectives from actually effecting your notions about the world and yourself

[Elton]

Ayla...  Is it necessary to get panic attacks after initial seeing?  I'm scared of enlightenment work too now..  

Isn't there a rosy way to get enlightened like meditation for decades and then you realise that you don't exist? And no attacks and all? 

[Ayla]

@Elton , life will decide how to manifest there. It is not necessary, no. If you can just completely and permanently drop everything, no. It tends not to be the case. 

Think of yourself having 100 helium balloons that you've been carrying all your life. You don't know and don't want to walk around without them. But... they will need to go. Either one by one, or in clusters. Will that be manifested as panic? Not necessarily. 

If you DO get them, you have to develop the capacity to fully be OK with them. Not pushing against them, not wishing they were over. What I do, is search for the acceptance that I might be living a constant panic for the rest of life. Be OK with what IS. 

[Ayla]

Quick tip for posting on forum and talking to people in your life:

Be aware of what you are saying/writing. 

• is your message sending COMPASSION or is it just a manifestation of your need to be somehow right or superior? (watch Leo's video on neurosis)
• is your message based on personal, direct experience, or is it just some parroting of a dogma that you are using as a means to run away from E-Work? (in which case you have the option to state the source, or to have others FEEL your in-authenticity and reply back with the same energy, or just... ignore you as a valid source of growth) 

[Natasha]

5 hours ago, Elton said:

Ayla...  Is it necessary to get panic attacks after initial seeing?  I'm scared of enlightenment work too now..  

Isn't there a rosy way to get enlightened like meditation for decades and then you realise that you don't exist? And no attacks and all? 

I just watched Leo's latest video 'Ten Important Things You Want, But You Don't Know That You Want', and one of the things you want, but don't know that you want is to be nobody. Leo tells you that this is counter-intuitive and can be scary, but he also explains why it's one of our deepest wants (25m 30s to 29m 15s). The whole video is awesome, though.

[99th_monkey]

.

[Ayla]

Subconscious. Inner child. Vibration. 

I am going to try to make an analogy that might help you with any type of "inner work" endeavor.

*I am teaching nothing and don't mean to feed any bullshit into you. Your being will decide either to use all this as fertilizer for a growth-less soil, or pass it by and never look at it again. I am only sharing some of my insights and findings here.

Imagine a human being as a room full of little antennae. The room's walls are full of screens. As far as I could go back with my own inner seeing, the first antennae that gets activated at birth, is FEAR ( hence the crying and gasping for air ). So this antennae called Fear, will start to emit a constant signal, that will project onto one of the screens on the wall. Note that at this time, HB (human being) has no concepts: time, space, fear, inferiority, worthlessness, etc. It only knows what is perceived through senses: cold, hot, sounds, hunger, etc. One by one, antennae are being triggered and projected onto screens on the wall as years go by. 

None of them will just "go off" by themselves, because they are vibrational points that do not function in time/space, but in changing their vibration. That can only be done by integration: understanding, compassion and love. That is also the reason why there's a need to go back at that point in time and just be completely present with that energy. Not trying to push it away, not wishing it gone, not wishing it healed, but accepting its happening. That acceptance will dissolve it and "nullify" its vibrational point.

Let's take inferiority as an example. Antennae has been triggered by mom comparing HB with a "better" HB. The screen lights up and begins the search for healing. What is perceived as "another HB" with get the role in this screenplay to show, to point, to the fact that this particular antennae needs attention. (It is very similar with body healing itself: have you ever cut your finger and immediately saw the wound beginning to push out what can be contaminated blood and closing the skin to protect the flesh?). To support the "actor" that has taken the role to point you to that antennae, mind enters play too. So in the end, it will look like this: Mind will make you believe and act as if you were superior. Actor though, will keep telling you over and over again, what the antennae says: "inferiority"! In other words, "others" will keep triggering you into feeling that you are inferior so that you can heal that wound and shut down the emission of that antennae. 

This is where deep self-honesty and looking into your inner motivations (antennae) is CRUCIAL. (exercises above will help you LOOK ). 

Another point is that, not only "other people" are a direct link to the subconscious making itself conscious, but as long as the energy is projected forward - convincing, fixing the "others" - those antennae will never stop emitting. The only thing that will happen is that an actor might "get tired" and another one with a different face and another approach will enter the screen, only to point you to the same "inner wound". ( look back at your relationships with people and you will see that, if you were to only write down one phase about each of them, the only difference would be..the name ) 

Can you also see, from this perspective that "others" that you perceive as your enemy are in fact, your MOST PRECIOUS healing actors? Another way to see this, is that YOU have invested a lifetime's worth of energy and time into pushing these wounds away from your awareness. Universe - God - Life, in its infinite love and wisdom, is sending you the EXACT means (people, experiences) to REVEAL those wounds that are killing you from inside.

Let's say that you read something on this forum and you think about that person: "he/she is neurotic, arrogant, obnoxious and stupid". Guess what? This is EXACTLY what you SECRETLY and TRULY think about... YOURSELF! And as long as you don't look into those feelings relating to yourself, you will have "outer" manifestations to directly point you into that. Once you have integrated those feelings within yourself, came to terms with them, embraced them, you will not have any manifestation in your life that will perceive that way. 

Major wounds that all HB have: rejection, abandonment, humiliation, betrayal, injustice. ( Look into Lise Bourbeau's work for more info on this topic )

What these wounds produce as an effect are: Fear, Anger and Grief. ( Michael Brown's "The Presence Process" )

https://youtu.be/wuMbPp8rf2M

https://youtu.be/Wu4-Dz7hlKA

****

 

If you think of the walls of the room being covered in screens, the ones that are the most activated will be the ones having the most amount of sound and color to them ( drama ). As soon as a bit of that drama is integrated, another screen will capture attention next, one that is next in line with most drama to be let go of. 

Awakening can ( and usually DOES ) happen in a moment when competing "screens" have a too high level of drama and "personhood" gets burned out. 

[Ludwig]

Ayla, thank you for sharing. It helped me. 

[Ayla]

23 minutes ago, Piotr said:

 with some courage I would enjoy the flight down...

Try curiosity instead of courage. Like a child

[abrakamowse]

Thanks Ayla! You are awesome!

[Ayla]

Running away

*I would first like to emphasize that this particular post is ONLY intended for those who are SERIOUSLY searching to embody who they really are. Also, this is, again, my own experience and understanding.

Running away is.. the ego. It can take up many forms, as many as people are, but for the purpose of this, I will focus mostly on the ENERGY behind it. 

Human beings are born equal and free. What I like to do to verify my steps forward, and to be sure that I don't fall into some ego trap, is put myself in a state of mind where I embody several people in the same time: I pick people from forgotten tribes from different parts of the world and I ask: would this person agree with me? would they do what I'm about to do? ( desert people, amazonian tribes, Australian aborigines, etc). Behind this, there is the understanding that THE TRUTH is everywhere present and it is not dependent of human (ego) understanding. Anything that you find yourself DOING that ALL those people would NOT do (are not doing), is a running away. 

The most obvious ways to run away from spiritual work, are the addictions: substances, relationships, sex, sports, perpetually seeking information, etc. 

Less obvious ones, are: meditation, inquiry, the need to understand things, the need to solve or to fix things, etc. 

Now your ego might feel the pinch or the sword of these words, thinking that all (most of) those things are GOOD. And yes, they CAN be, but usually aren't and this is why, VERY few people get results from them. (have you ever encounter people that have meditating for 30 years and...their energy is still solid as a rock, and you feel no openness from them?  )

The KEY to recognizing a "run-away" is AWARENESS and SELF-HONESTY!

Several ways to verify if you are running away, or on the contrary, if the tools you are using are beneficial on your own path: 

Let's take the meditation example (but you can replace it with anything that you "DO"):

- meditation as run-away: constriction, guilt and fear: (can you guess who's attributes are these?  )

• feels like a doing and an effort-ing. Every time the chosen time-slot for sitting down to DO it, feels like a huge burden to you and you are searching for any possible reason to skip it.
• something happens one day and your meditation schedule is perturbed. You feel this self-blame and frustration and become agitated 
• after meditation session you get up and feel this enormous sense of relief ("I did it! pheww")
• there are NO OUTER manifestations in your daily experience: no increased awareness, no calming of mind, no peace. Your reactivity to challenges (neurosis) remains unchanged.

- meditation as spirit call: spaciousness, compassion and peace

• schedule for meditation is flexible and you seem to somehow do it whenever you have a bit of time, even while walking or cooking.
• there is an expansion and a peaceful feeling when the time comes to sit down and meditate.
• the peace and awareness is prolonged into daily experiences and your reactivity is replaced by being RESPONSIVE 
• skipping a session is met with compassion and understanding 

*******************************************************************

I'd also like to talk about the difference between running away from thoughts (emotions) and dropping them:

When you run away from an emotion, it will feel like a constant pull to keep coming back to it (inner or outer). People and circumstances will show up and bring it back over and over again. It is also called pushing it down (or back). So, does it feel like fear? Does it feel like you'll still need to understand it, work on it "later"? That, is suppression. 

When you drop a thought, when it has been integrated, healed, let go of, it will feel like peace, like a liberation, a sense of accomplishment and of lightness. 

[abrakamowse]

Cool

[Ayla]

SELF-HONESTY (*spiritual context)

This is, by far, one of the most important hindrances on the path of awakening. 

Rationalization <<<<<<<<<<<<<<SELF-HONESTY>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Awareness

Self-honesty is the ability and willingness of mind to "translate" awareness. 

When human beings lack awareness, they tend to rationalize and generalize. Concepts and ideas gathered through studying certain subjects, are used to explain away patterns and behaviors that they are too afraid to see or to confront. These concepts are so much part of us, that - trying to dissociate from them, see them as external (and thous being able to drop them) - will feel like ripping off parts of our own flesh. Who would want to do that? Not me! Once awareness is being built, these patterns are beginning to be seen as something external, something learnt, some neuronal path that unquestioned mind has always been on. So rationalization, is a type of a "self-agending dogma" = a way for the human psyche to excuse unconscious actions. 

Forms:

• generalizing
• clown-ing ( using humor in any and all circumstances to distract attention from important subjects)
• combining perceptions/concepts = this is the most insidious one I've come across yet. An example is when someone intellectually understands spiritual concepts, but applies them in the daily experiences without discernment. e.g. "I can bully someone as much as I want to, because there is no "I", and because all is good anyway";  "I can continue to engage in any type of addiction because I am not my body or there is no "me" to decide" 
• using very little understood ideas and concepts (pretending that those concepts are part of their direct experience) - the energy of a "stealing" and/or in-authenticity accompanies such strategies - and life experiences will mirror that energy at every step (aggression, trolling, mocking, fighting, ignoring, antagonizing etc)

 

Self-honesty is something to be developed. It needs focus and consistency. It needs courage and maturity. THIS is where self-development tools can be life changing. 

What I noticed in my own case: 

Pattern - becomes seen - is being integrated - reaching of critical mass* - dropping. 

*I call critical mass the time between the healing/integration of a pattern and its actual disparition from outer manifestation

[abrakamowse]

@Ayla  yesterday I did the Teddy Bear exercise and immediately I began to feel enormous energy on top of my head. It was clearly like a lotus opening, as it is said in Buddhist books. So, it seems that your exercise is pretty good. It was like automatic.

I always felt in the forehead in the "third eye" area, since I was teenager, I felt like a gentle push in my forehead from time to time, and in that moment I take it like consciousness trying to tell me something, like an opportunity or something that I have to be aware.

Lately I am beginning to feel not only that "push" on my third eye, but also that energy on the crown chakra.

[Ayla]

@abrakamowse , very nice. 

May I ask why the interest in Buddhist books, 3rd eye, etc? ( no need to answer me, answer to yourself). I see this as "running away". You are not - as far as I understand from your posts - on a path of learning about Buddhism or anything else. You are doing E-work. You are trying to understand who you are. Is that true? 

What makes you think the exercise was good? The fact that it validated some CONCEPTS?

I guess, what I am saying here, is that you need to keep your focus on what you are pursuing. As soon as you meet Buddha, 3rd eyes, chakras, fantastic experiences, Santa, unicorns, fairies, etc... DROP THEM! 

 

[abrakamowse]

@Ayla  Ok, I got you. I think I am searching for something to validate, or to be sure that what I am doing is Ok. Lol.

Thanks!!! You are right. I need to trust more on my inner guide/true self/my self.

Edited July 12, 2016 by abrakamowse

[abrakamowse]

1 hour ago, Ayla said:

You are trying to understand who you are. Is that true?

Yes, that's correct.

Thanks!

[Ayla]

Just now, abrakamowse said:

Yes, that's correct.

 

Good.

4 minutes ago, abrakamowse said:

I need to trust more on my inner guide/true self/my self.

Now... inner guide, what is that? Isn't that also a bit like Santa? True or false, yours or mine.. Drop that too. It's a concept. 

You are ONLY trying to realize who YOU are. No guides in or out. 

Drop. Drop. Drop