Brain visions

[Preety_India]

I'm so happy I'll be meeting Sandra day after tomorrow. Yay.. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Woke up with nightmares again. 

This time it was different. Not the ones I had before. 

It was so strange but frankly funny. 

Didn't feel like a nightmare. 

So here I was trying to exit a class we had. Like a lecture hall. 

And I was exiting through the door. 

And I saw stairs on the right but the entrance is blocked. You need to go around it and make it to the concrete slide around it. This looks like climbing a tree. 

I'm just puzzled. It really looks like a stone slide. So I try to climb it hoping to find an entrance at the top because I can see people calmly climbing the slide and making it through out of it and the other way whether they find the entrance to the stairs. And they exit the building that way, lots of people doing the same. 

But when I reach to the top of the slide, I'm filled with dread because I don't know whether I should peep into the narrow hole I see. 

Holes can be very tricky. I mean a narrow tunnel that goes winding inside. It can create a great deal of anxiety. 

You never know what's in there. 

Now the size of the hole doesn't matter. 

Let's say the hole is big enough for you to simply roll into it, would you? 

What if you fall into this tunnel and never get out. What if you can't get out. 

Now if the hole is small, really small like you can only stick your head into it. You wouldn't even want to stick your head into it because your head might get stuck and you might suffocate to death. 

If you put your arm into it, your arm could get stuck. 

Right now(in the dream) I'm looking at this tunnel hole anxiously. I can't figure out how big this is. Will my body get stuck in it because it sure does look like that and even if I manage to wiggle through it, what if there's nothing there and I can't get out because there won't be sufficient room for me to comfortably work against gravity and jump out. It will be being trapped inside a hole in a tree trunk not able to get out because you can't curl up your body in that small space. 

So I'm still wondering whether to stick my feet into it and push myself and see if I can make it to the other side. Is there an other side at all. 

This has been making me claustrophobic, such little space and a minute's decision can change everything. 

What if I get stuck and nobody sees, I'll be stuck there forever like getting stuck in an elevator that doesn't move. 

I swear every time I get into the elevator there are always images in my head of people who got trapped in elevators. 

Sometimes having fear is wisdom and having no fear can mean stupidity. 

Because fear is the root of survival. Knowing that something can be dangerous helps to stay out of it. Not having the fear and facing it head on and getting into huge trouble can put survival in jeopardy. 

I woke up before I could know what exactly I did. Maybe I just sat there watching. 

End of the dream.. 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 6, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

I'm waiting for this event to be done with. 2 days 2 days 2 days. 

So my feet can rest a bit. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Sandra will be at my birthday party. So I'm excited about that too. 

 

I'll call this Sandra month. 

 

[Preety_India]

Need to wait another 1 hour till they tell me the time the event will be over with. 

I need to rush for another appointment. I'll be attending a seminar on financial consulting. 

 

This event was like 6 days God really long. 

It's a catering course event. Awesome. But they stretched it too far. 

 

I was helping with making so many dishes. Feet - tired

 

Very exhausting. 

We will be going to another camping event next month. For a corporate dinner and event.. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel like I'm juggling so many things at once. 

Camping, events, exes and relationships, family issues, financial investments, I do forex trading, cooking and cleaning at home, seminars and courses, my art course, looks like my plate is full. 

Yesterday I was just too tired. I collapsed in my bed. Had no energy to clean my room. 

 

Sometimes it feels good to have a full plate and I'm slowly getting used to this lifestyle because it removes intrusive thoughts about my childhood and relationships. 

Two years ago this lifestyle would have overwhelmed me and burned me out because I would have felt anxious doing more work everyday. 

Today this lifestyle makes me feel full. If my feet get tired, I feel exhausted but unusually I feel very calm and content like I did something, it's a great escape from the emptiness and depression I suffered 2 years ago. 

I think sometimes distraction and work serves a good purpose in removing the emptiness and chaos of life. 

Part of this is because of Cindy. I look up to her. She is a busy mom of 2 kids and works really hard every day. 

That inspired me. If she can then I can too. 

She finds satisfaction in being a mom. 

Seeing her over the past 1 year made me want to work harder and not shy away from work or think that work is bad or uncomfortable. 

In fact now I tend to seek more comfort in work than other hobbies. Maybe I might get workaholic but immersing myself in work is far better than immersing myself in reckless relationships and all the melodrama. 

I have expanded my comfort zone when it comes to work and now attending events is no longer painful or disdainful but a sense of achievement, relief and satisfaction. 

 

 

Edited February 6, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

So the good news has finally come in. A colleague of mine informed me just now that it's only 23 hours more till the end of the event. Which means tomorrow. That's some relaxing news. I can focus on other things in the meantime. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Just forget it. Focus on other stuff and do and watch stuff on YouTube in free time.

 

Try to be relaxed. 

Take it easy. 

[Preety_India]

Yay only a few hours left and I'll be done with the whole juggling of work. The seminar will be over in a few hours. And I'll get some rest. 

After that I'll need to do some packing at the hotel to return back home. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

1 hour remaining and I will be returning home.. This will be a great day. 

On my way ill be reading this short meditation book I purchased while at the center last month.. 

I'm seriously looking into different meditation practices now.. That one that will suit me in my spiritual journey.. 

 

[Preety_India]

I also purchased pink Himalayan salt for the second time from the kiosk at the hotel. 

I'm planning to use it while cooking. It was good the last time I used but the bottle was too old so I had to throw it out.. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 7, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I've returned home and it feels amazing. Tired but glad that everything went well.. 

I need to unpack and get things sorted out. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the therapist. Hope it goes well. 

For the rest of the day iwill be focusing on meditation in the evening, attending a satsang meeting later in the evening. But I'm planning to spend just 15 mins because got some form filing to do. 

I will be collecting all of my spiritual practices and lining them up, I got to do them seriously next week on. I don't want any further delay. 

Andrew will be home in the evening and planning to have dinner with him. 

 

 

 

Hey cutie 

 

 

 

Edited February 7, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm just so consumed with the anxiety of seeing the therapist tomorrow. 

I feel so uneasy. Like I don't want to see the guy. 

I don't want their intrusive questions. 

Wish I could postpone tomorrow's appointment. But can't do that once it's booked. 

Fingers crossed. 

Just don't want that guy say something ridiculous to me or put me on meds. 

I have tried meds before. They don't work for me. And I'll be going with my sister. 

And I don't want my sister to pressure the therapist. Like she usually does. 

I think the therapist should allow me to talk instead of jumping to weird conclusions. 

 

[Preety_India]

Two new concepts 

 

One is natural behavior and triggered behavior. 

The behavior under natural circumstances is natural behavior. 

The behavior under special circumstances is triggered behavior. 

 

I forgot the other concept.

 

Edited February 7, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The other concept is about Filtering in and Filtering out. 

When you are dealing with incompatible people or ideas, there should be filtering out. 

When the person is compatible, there should be filtering in. 

Other concept was about self esteem. 

Low self esteem and fatal self esteem. 

Low self esteem is when you feel unworthy. 

Fatal self esteem is when your identity is based on properties/assets like social status, money, relationships, social standing, group dynamics. Your persona and choices get significantly altered as a result of fatal self esteem. You change to fit in. Generally observed in narcissists. 

The other concept is about personality alterations. 

If you find yourself in a relationship where you feel like your personality is changing rapidly but not in a progressive manner, meaning you are doing things that you wouldn't normally do and how you are doing is impacting your well-being, then you need to quit that relationship. 

 

Edited February 7, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I feel like I have come so far in my awareness. 

I can't imagine. A year ago everything felt like a blank board. All blank squares. 

 

 

And now I feel like these blank squares are gradually filling with color. 

My awareness is expanding at the speed of light. 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 7, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I am thinking about the biggest question in my life that has been bothering me for a long time. 

And I guess it's time for me to turn over the page of my life and dissolve the past and start over a new leaf. 

This is going to be very difficult. 

This chapter of my life has been going on for many years now. So it's finally time to fix it, now or never. Because I have taken too much of the rut. 

It's time for me to move on. 

I need to work extra hard this month to solve the hardest most impossible problem of my life. Of course that b is not going to help me. So I'm left on my own to fix things. 

This hurdle is going to be the hardest. I need lots of inner strength to work out this thing. 

I have faith in God. So hopefully God will pull me through this curse of my life. 

This has been the hardest most grueling the worst hurdle of my life. I feel that only a miracle can save me. I do believe in miracles sometimes. Maybe it's a mind in despair that wants to believe in it. 

I also need a great dose of sunshine and happiness to pull myself out of this huge quagmire that I'm stuck in. But maybe just maybe there is hope for the restless soul. 

Maybe one day there will be justice. Maybe one day there will be closure. 

Maybe one day there will be freedom. 

 

I'm looking forward to it with lots of hope and faith. 

Once the ray of light and hope  illuminates my darkness, I'll be very grateful and happy to move on. 

 

This is how I feel right now. 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 7, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm going to be using 2 terms to deal with the "BIGGEST HURDLE OF MY LIFE." 

These 2 terms are flow and crackdown. 

So I'll need to be very very very like ultra strict while dealing with the current ongoing problem in my life. 

So I'm going to call it  the CRACKDOWN MISSION of my life. 

This mission will continue for next 3 months. 

I anticipate that the problem be at least manageable if not completely solved by the end of next 3 months and if not 3 months then by 6 months. 

I have kept a deadline of May 2 for the problem to get resolved by. 

And if not May then by August 25. 

This is my crackdown year. 2020. 

If I'm not able to solve this hurdle I will have a serious downspiral in my life. 

I want to put a FULL STOP to this problem once and for all. 

Because its stifling my growth big time. 

Without resolving it all of my spiritual effort will be pointless. 

 

 

 

Edited February 7, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

This problem is interrupting my FLOW . 

Once I'm able to either contain the problem or resolve it, I will get back my flow in life. 

Since the problem has already robbed and drained so much from me, I'll pledge to myself that I won't allow it to damage or drain or steal my life any further. 

There is a huge opportunity cost associated with this problem. And I'll always remember that. 

Finally I'm breaking the grip. 

 

[Preety_India]

I think that the Grounding that is there in me comes from my faith 

 

 

That feeling of recklessness and Grounding that I feel.