Brain visions

[Preety_India]

I am trying to imagine God's energy and boundless love. 

His love enveloping me and surrounding me. His love is like beauty. 

It feels serene and loving and warm and liberating. 

Like he is protecting the hurt the wounded from the devil 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I think it's important for me to cut off social contact for a while to stay out of toxic social media and specific people who choose to hurt. I've been there done that and it's time to lay it off for a while. 

I do talk to Andrew now and then and that helps. 

But I have to keep away from social addictions. They create a lot of chaos and people who are really toxic can sometimes be there. 

I have had friends who betrayed me bullied me. Turned their backs on me and I have been hurting for a long time. 

So it's time to just be myself, my pets and Andrew. 

And cut off any toxic social media. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

No Social Contact Challenge. 

Day 1 

Month February 2020

February 3, 2020

Today I didn't log into my account. Resisted the temptation. Good job. 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 3, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Penny wise and pound foolish 

And those asshole penny pinchers. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Shadows we all have them. 

There are some people who are self sabotaging. They defeat anything associated with them. 

Whatever they touch it turns to dust.. 

If they get an apartment they ruin the place by fighting with the neighbors. 

If they get a relationship they ruin the relationship. 

If they get a job they end up losing it for frivolous reasons. 

I had observed this pattern with my ex.

I'd never want to meet anyone like him again

[Preety_India]

 

As a young woman I need resources and tools to engage with the world. 

What are these resources and tools. Reference material is a resource and a mechanism or action or strategy/trick /method is a tool. 

• Advice from older women with more experience.
• Books on domestic abuse and domestic violence and narcissistic abuse. <Resources. 
•  Resources on human psychology and behavior like books,articles lectures and workshops 
• Guidance at the age of 16. Maternal advice. 
• Reading about relationships and people's experiences
• Real time experience and discussion about experiences. Without real time experience you as a woman wouldn't know how it all plays out. 
• Being aware of situations beforehand and spreading awareness. 
• Learning how to set boundaries for the approaching person's behavior. This was never taught to me when I was a teen. This is a tool. < Tools.
• Filtering in and filtering out. Raising barriers. Approvals and Eliminations. < Tools.

 

Additionally as a young woman I want to raise effective barriers, barricades, boundaries, criteria, filters, walls in the communication zone. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Understanding issues with self

These issues that are going on with me can be better understood by 

• NLP PROGRAMMING
• SHADOW WORK
• INSIGHT AND CONTEMPLATION 
• TALK THERAPY
• LIFE COACHING 
• SELF INQUIRY
• INTERNAL DEMON HUNTING
• REVISITING PAST TRAUMA 
• SELF AWARENESS

 

 

I FEEL LIKE A DOG CHASING HIS TAIL BUT IT'S OK. it's going to be an uphill battle. 

But a battle realized is a battle half won. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Last night I had a terrible dream. It was about my ex. My ex was a boxing champion in school, he was selected for a Louisiana championship and he was great at basketball and a good athlete. 

He is kinda competitive and would get into fights and if someone challenges him, he is always open to it. 

So the dream goes like this. 

My ex is talking to another guy who is this Ukrainian guy. This Ukrainian guy is constantly boasting about his physical strength. My ex is physically strong, his arms and legs especially. He can put someone in a chokehold. His hands are quite strong since he trained for boxing. Now my ex is strong but not that big. Like not very large or huge but this Ukrainian guy is very large in size. He looks like a building. And he tells my ex a way to test strength is to climb a building. Higher the better. My ex takes the challenge as he always does. 

I'm sort of proud of him but I'm aware that he can't do this particular challenge because I've never heard him do that before. So I'm literally nervous and shaking fearing for his life. Im feeling neurotic that he took up this challenge. I think he was being stupid. 

Now they are both climbing the building and I'm watching in horror. 

The Ukrainian guy is good at climbing whereas my ex is struggling. 

When they reach close to the top of the building, just halfway to the top, my ex struggles to keep up and is about to fall. When people on the floor  of the building hold him and pull him up before he can fall and he is saved. I'm literally about to faint as I see him being saved. 

The Ukrainian guy loses his grip as well but somehow manages to get to the top. 

End of the dream

 

I don't know how to interpret the dream. I called Andrew when I woke up and told him about it. And he  told me to take it easy and relax. 

I do care about my ex although I don't love him the way I used to. I broke up with him sometime during November and I've been doing better since. But I don't know why he appeared in my dream. 

I hope he is fine but I won't contact him again. I do not wish to. It's too painful. 

That's why I'm avoiding social media to keep myself away from intrusive thoughts. 

 

 

Edited February 4, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

No Social Contact Challenge. 

Day 2

Month February 2020

February 4, 2020

Today I didn't log into my account. Resisted the temptation. Good job. 

There was temptation to check my account for messages. But I somehow controlled that. 

I'm feeling anxiety on this day like this gnawing feeling that I'm missing out on something. 

I had the addiction of talking to my friends. 

So quitting cold turkey is making me extremely anxious today like withdrawal symptoms. 

Kinda feel homesick.  Trying very hard to hold on to this. 

Communication is my addiction. Please no communication today.  ?

I feel anxious and isolated and "missing the party " feeling but it's okay, it's okay. 

Suppress the urges. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I constantly get the feeling that I should be hanging out with my friends in the evening and I get the images of my past year hanging out with them in malls, coffee shops, cafeterias, near buildings etc.  These images of "evenings with friends" are very tempting. 

Also this feeling is pretty strong around weekend time on Saturdays and Sundays. I like going to Church on the weekend. I used to hang out near my school Church on weekends. Oh God those days were awesome. All my school buddies and me at the church with the night lights on the church entrance. 

We used to eat candies or ice cream and talk about random stuff and there was a sense of security and warmth around friends both guys and girls. Girls in jeans and shirts. And guys with baggy shirts. All fun fun. Those guys used to make the girls laugh. 

If I ever wanted to share something I could share with them. It was so much fun. 

 

[Preety_India]

I don't go to church anymore because if I did I would meet them again. 

And there will be all kinds of questions,  "what happened Preety, where have you been, what's up ?" 

I don't want to break down in front of them. 

I feel like I can no longer trust anyone with my deepest emotions. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

The turmoil in the past 2 weeks has consumed me. 

Any guy that I tried to be friends with online and offline tried to get sexual with me very quickly so I had to immediately cut off all new connections that I was trying to make..

I never had such an experience before ( when I was 16 to 18 years old. ) Guys back then were friendly and not being weird. 

These days it's just impossible to talk to a guy without him talking about porn or some sexual crap. 

I recently made a new friend online. He is from America. In the beginning he was so nice and respectful and completely chill. 

During the second conversation, he said " I want to marry you. " 

I'm like WTF. 

I stopped talking to him. 

 

I just hate it when someone ruins what is going to be a wonderful friendship by talking sexual nonsense or marriage crap. 

And when I say I just wish to be a friend,they get cold feet. Like umm. Ok 

 

And some of the female friends were wonderful but they just don't have the time to take out for friends and I don't want to waste their time if they feel busy. 

Teenage days and school days were great. No stress. No sexual crap. Just hanging out having fun innocent fun teasing laughing. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

My ex is constantly trying to be friends with me since the last 2 weeks. 

And I'm saying No no no no no....

I just can't do it. 

Different strokes for different folks. Maybe some people can be friends with their exes. 

To each his own. 

I can't be friends with him 

I can't take the feeling that this person was once my romantic interest, someone who I considered my soulmate. I was deeply attached to all the memories. 

Plus I shared a great deal of sex and intimacy with this person. How should I forget all that ?

I can't be friends with him. 

His ex that was 4 years ago doesn't talk to him either. I guess the reason is obvious. 

 

I can't handle the emotions of the difficult breakup I had with him. 

He even appeared in my dreams last night.

Maybe I'm immature if I'm not able to talk to an ex, but I'm being very genuine and honest. I'm emotional and I'm just RAW. 

 

If I can't do something I don't want to pretend like I can. 

I seriously cannot handle being friends and then having flashbacks of all the good times and the ”miss you” part.

 

He hurt me. It's over. If I'm friends with him, the hurt might get reignited and stay that way. 

I don't want to open past wounds especially when I need healing and calm. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Now the horrible thing is that two of my exes are trying to be friends with me and even the third. 

I blocked the first ex. His name starts with S. I'll just call him Mr S. 

The second ex I'll call him Mr B. 

The third ex the most recent one is Mr J. 

So I blocked the first ex Mr S last year when he tried to contact me on my birthday. 

The second ex Mr B is like a stalker. I told him that I'll report him if he didn't stop. 

He would call me from his friends number to try and reach to me. 

I blocked him multiple times but no use. 

He always found a new way of contacting me. 

The last time I blocked him was on January 8, 2020. 

He called me 6 times in a row. I was going insane. 

I told him to stop. 

Then he told me that he can't live without me. 

I told him to get real. 

I told him that I have a new guy,that apparently didn't have any effect on him. 

He continued calling me so I deactivated all my apps and switched off my phone for a few days in an effort to discourage him. 

But as soon as I switched back on, he was trying to ping me again in a couple of hours. 

I begged him to leave me alone. At last he did. 

I wished him good luck. 

Now the third ex is the one that I was deeply attached to. I considered him to be my real soulmate. My fondest memories of my life are with my third ex Mr. J  and everything in all my journals I have made several references to him. My life was practically all about him while we were together. 

I was madly in love. It was the Romeo  Juliet of my life. 

He was an American. That made it a bit complicated but we sailed well through our time together. 

I was most sexual and initmate with him out of all of my relationships. 

But now he is trying to reach out to me which I completely understand because we had such a great chemistry and connection. We were like soulmates until he started to get abusive. 

So I broke up with him. It was terrible because it was the most awful breakup I've ever had. It was too abrupt and I felt very empty and lonely after that. 

I was very attached to him so letting him go was the hardest but I had to because I couldn't deal with his abuse..

Now Mr J has been trying to reach me in the last two weeks very fervently and I'm pulling all stops. 

I can't.  He hinted that we should be friends after the breakup. But I didn't respond. 

I'm still coping with the breakup. There was Andrew who stepped in and helped me break up with him. He was kind and patient. 

We were just friends but post the breakup I grew closer to Andrew. He was like Mr J but not abusive. Very gentle. Someone I can get along with. 

I haven't blocked Mr J out of respect to him and the wonderful times we had. I don't want him to feel abandoned and hated. I do care a lot about Mr J but fact is fact that I'm moving on and I need to focus on my Life and spiritual growth and I cannot let my energy get drained by the toxic relationship I had with Mr J. 

So now my birthday is coming. It's on 21 February. 

I don't know how to feel. 

Because it's generally on my birthday that exes try to reach me to wish me so that they can start a conversation. 

I haven't been friendly with any of my past exes. I have ignored all of them because that was the best thing to do. 

Now ignoring Mr J will be the hardest because he was my ultimate soulmate. I suffered a great deal of heartache post the breakup with him. 

That's why the best strategy is to stay away from social media for a while till everything cools off and I feel like I'm getting back on track. 

I have kept Andrew on hold and the best part about Andrew is that he is not desperate at all. He is always gentle and soothing.  He doesn't pressure me to go out with him or doesn't pressure me to do things his way. He gives me my space.

He understands that I need healing 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm constantly mulling over whether I should be friends with Mr J or not. Because the relationship had both good times and bad times it's hard to say what will be the right thing to do. 

I'm trying to assess this situation psychologically. 

And I think the best option for me is to not respond to him at all and never communicate with him ever again. 

This is for my emotional and mental safety. Because I think that Mr J displayed a lot of narcissistic behavior in the relationship with constant passive aggressive attacks on me. 

The one time that I tried breaking up with him, he yelled at me, screamed at me calling me a bitch for breaking up with him and he wasn't taking it well. He was just completely out of control and very furious and angry at me for dumping him. 

He constantly kept sending me angry text and calls and a lot of anger and resentment that he showed to me that caused me to doubt my break up with him.

He made me feel guilty for having broken up with him because he felt suicidal and depressed after our breakup. 

Even I was depressed because our relationship was so passionate that the breakup was very hard on me. 

But it was like a situation that I can best describe as " CAN'T LIVE WITH HIM, CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM " 

So I had to make my decision to part ways with because it was too intense and I was feeling traumatized for quite some time with him. 

I got back with him again in the month of June 2019 because he was very persuasive and persistent that I get back because he was having a very hard time without me in his life. 

So I got back with him but within just few weeks of getting back with him,he started his emotional abusive behavior once again. 

He started controlling me and blamed me for breaking up with him. 

He would use any opportunity to bring up the breakup episode and remind me that I was a bitch for breaking up with him. 

I was too exhausted from his constant blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life.

I reached my end point in November when I posted on the forum about him and people here told me that he was being emotionally abusive to me. 

I ran out of patience and frankly I ran out of love for him, I started seeing him more as a nuisance than a protective boyfriend. 

So I gave up and broke up with him. 

Now he is constantly pressuring me in being friends with him. 

I think the most likely scenario if I become friends with him is that he will constantly remind me once again how I broke up with him and again make me feel guilty for leaving him. He will throw out veiled attacks at me making me feel vulnerable and guilty and awful for having broken up. 

He might even seek revenge. He has given death threats before although I took them lightly because I didn't really believe that he would kill me. 

But he might want to seek revenge in milder more emotional ways. Like targeting me and making me feel undesirable and making me feel like the bad guy in the relationship we had and constantly remind me of that. 

This can be an extension of his narcissistic abuse that I already tolerated enough during the relationship with him. 

So I don't think he will change his narcissistic ways of preying on my self esteem and constantly degrading me to feel like the better person. 

So I think I should completely avoid him. 

Although I still care about him, he can't take advantage of my permissive behavior. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Although the past 2 days have been draining with anxiety over the constant calls and texts I had been receiving and my attempts to stay off social media for good, I can say that I feel glad that I made this big decision. I feel glad that I no longer feel obligated to respond to anyone who have hurt me in the past. 

I feel free. Kinda liberated. 

I don't feel bound anymore. I don't feel guilty for not having replied. 

I don't feel the anxiety and the anxiousness of being there for people who didn't give a f*ck about me. 

 

There is this anxiety of ”missing " or "homesickness" but no longer the anxiety of disappointing someone. 

I don't feel tied up or on edge. 

I'm glad that I decided not to talk to people who I no longer think can add value to my life and who have only been draining me with their facade. 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel upbeat today. 

 

Seems that the road to recovery has finally begun. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Day 3 

February 5 

Feeling okay. Didn't feel the need to reach to someone. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 5, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The energy you exude is so important.