What I See?

[wesyasz]

So I have been telling story at work about my wife's grandma who survived cancer and I have said that she is 81 years old.
20 seconds later waiter came into the kitchen to tell that some woman said that was the best steak she has ever had and that is her 81st birthday.

Edited October 17, 2019 by wesyasz

[wesyasz]

He was counting checks to see how many people we fed tonight.
I look at him and I say

- 47.

- Yes...

[wesyasz]

I was in Glasgow and I was thinking to go to CBD shop to buy CBD chocolate as last time I've had it I really liked mellow calmed mind it gave me, also I was just after few days fasting so it's easy to understand why thought of chocolate made me in for buying it.
But the shop was in the opposite direction to where I have parked my car so I just gave up.
On the way to the parking I've stopped for a salad in middle east restaurant and it was ok, but I just thought how tasteless are cheapest vegetables in UK, widely used in restaurants, especially considering tomatoes and it made me miss Spanish beautiful tomatoes of different varieties full of flavor which I've been constantly eating during 6 months in this country previous year.

I went to Edinburgh and I was driving through the city when I have seen this restaurant called "the 33". I am seeing 33's everywhere recently - 33.33, 333 on licence plates etc. So I felt it tells me to stop there. So I have parked. What should I look for, I asked myself. Let's just have a walk along the street. 50m ahead, across the street, there was a CBD shop. And on the way there a small shop selling absolutely beautiful tomatoes in different shapes and colors, which I have bought along with big bunch of basil, which I couldn't find in the supermarket the night before. The lady selling me these tomatoes even commented how beautiful tomatoes I have chosen!

[wesyasz]

I've had realization how important looking into other people eyes is for me.
Then I stare into my own eyes in the mirror. Which leads me to watch "I origins".
And the movie gives me important message.
Also, I was recently thinking about "The OA" which I have watched couple of years ago, more about moves they've been practicing in it.
SUCH an accident that main character from "The OA" also play in "I origins" I supposedly accidentally find myself watching.
Everything leads into something.

[wesyasz]

So I am going to India. I do not know why to be completely honest. But feel guided there. Want to go to Satsangs.
Today though I did have some doubts arising in me.

I am just watching "Scream of the ants". I have watched it couple of times before in my life, but felt I am going to understand this movie better this time.
I have just switched it on and the first scene goes like that:

- So, what brings you to India, what's your interest?
- We are looking for some special man...?
- Special man? We are all special in India. What kind of special man you are looking for?
- This man is called complete man, or... perfect man
- I'm a complete man, don't you think so?
- Of course... I believe...
- What does he do, who is the special man?
- He does some kind of miracles... with people lives...
- You know, most foreigners who come to India... are stupid. Because... you come chasing all the wrong things. What is a miracle according to you?
- What is a miracle acording to you?
- I don't believe in miracles, I believe in reality. Everything like that is a miracle. This heat is miracle, life is a miracle. What is a miracle according to you?
- What is a miracle acording to you?
- Oh, I can give you a long list. You are a miracle. You are very beautiful. 
- That kind of miracle...
- You are a miracle. Your smile is a miracle. So beautiful. Your husband fighting with you in a non-violent country is a miracle. Tourist come to India is a miracle. What do you think?
- Yes, but this guy does something special with people lives... our meditation teacher advice us to meet him. We came to India for that, my husband and I.
 

[wesyasz]

So I made a decision to have a coffee this morning, otherwise I couldn't deal with challenges of this day. 
I was going to the city centre by bus thinking how most people need this hit in the morning to keep going. I took my phone out of my pocket, switched on Famous social media app and first thing that has showed up was image with writing on it "WHERE IS MY COFFEE?!".

[wesyasz]

Thank you modmyth! I did get that coffee

Yes, content has changed as I have disconnected from myself after car crash and consequences of it. 

But! I am getting back on track, I hope. I am collecting myself but it does take time. 

I have just done Reiki 2nd grade course, and yesterday right at the start I looked at the clock on the wall and it hasn't been changed for the winter time and it has been showing 11:11 at this very moment, even though it was 10:11 in "real" time. Today was the second day and we were just about doing meditation right before initiation and the guy next to me took his phone out to look at it and it's been 11:11 again. After initiation I felt great, people were even asking what happened that I am looking so blissful. I did felt full of love and happiness indeed.

Yesterday I went to a gong bath, tibetan bowls, handpan and other instruments concert full of love and positive vibration. Somehow at night I couldn't sleep so I took my phone to turn on some random positive videoclip on YouTube and in a minute I found myself watching TEDx talk about how sounds can change your vibration and how significant it is. I don't even know how I found myself watching this video as I haven't been even looking for anything like that. 

Also, people doing the concert they Knew. They knew we are light, not this illusion. It's been beautiful place to be, felt home again for an hour and a half and not alone at there this time.

I went there with a girl I met and I was planning to go to my favourite tea room after. I asked her if she wants to go out after and she said that going for some sort of TEA would be amazing... and I didn't know her preferences neither she knew mine before. 

We actually couldn't stop talking and we have so, so much in common that is unbelievable and to me it is pretty obvious it's again no coincidence we met. Even if we won't get very close I can already feel I have a friend in her which is something I do need in this city right now.

Edited November 17, 2019 by wesyasz

[wesyasz]

So I have missed leaving Scotland actually. I truly feel connection to there. 
I have rent a room in a house in the city. 
Design of bedding i find? Sheeps.
And a mug coaster from Paisley, Glasgow. Such a coincidence.

[wesyasz]

How interesting life is. What is there about number 11? I even started thinking that I am obsessed with numerology and making things up, but then it's too much to be coincidence.

Me and my ex wife been born in November which is eleventh month.

Her sister who became a lot like my own sister was 11 years younger.

I was 22 when we met, which is double of 11.

We first met on 11.05.08.......05.11.19 was when we met last, 11 years later. I just cannot believe looking at these numbers. I am 33 now, which is also triple of 11.

Apparently, chapter has came to an end.

 

[wesyasz]

Yeah I have been fighting with myself for about couple of weeks now to buy or not yoga mat for myself, because the place I am staying at is just temporary. I really felt like doing yoga but didn't felt like buying s mat and it annoyed me.

I have done my washing and I have asked the owner of the house where can I hang it. He took me to the attic which is always empty and guess what was rolled out in the middle of the attic just waiting to be used? ... Beautiful yoga mat. Don't even know who's it might be as the owner definitely is not s yogic person and nobody else really lives here now.

I have also run out of my mobile data in the phone yesterday.

And today I have received a message in the morning on my other (this country) SIM card to download their app and play some funny game to receive free data......

Am I actually blessed or what is this all about?

[wesyasz]

I feel trapped in this city without a car. 
I really needed to go to the mountains. To the nature.
Like... really.
So I even joined facebook groups to join some people for a weekend trip but nothing, no one really made me writing to them and joining.
But I found someone who wanted to go to do some climbing in the gym. So we met, climbing was great and by the time she said - I am going with friends to the mountains on Sunday, so if you have nothing to do, you can go with us!
I do not know what to do about all this.
I feel peoples attention is on me.
Anywhere I go I mostly easily get connected with people. Or at least that's how I feel.

I have also had very old teeth filling (amalgam) which apparently is toxic. I have 2 of them, probably still from primary school or something like that. I wanted to get it out in some certified place so they to it safely. But I went to my ordinary dentist and apparently I have got a trouble with that teeth! And she just started to working on it, which also included removing of the old amalgam filling... I have had like no choice really, so she just drilled and got this shit out of there... 
Sometimes it's good to have no choice.
I feel ok. Probably should feel some weird feeling straight away if that wasn't a way to do that.
Will ask her probably to remove second one. No risk, no fun.

Also, yesterday I have had a super micro awakening. I don't know what has contributed to that. Maybe the fact my mind been tired after only couple of hours sleep previous day and then climbing hard, maybe CBD I am using, or maybe book I was reading (Zen of Love) by the time. 
Most likely all of this has played it's role. 
While reading that book I simply realized that this book just IS. Nobody has really written it. Though I can probably create the person, even meet him if I would really want it to happen. But it is not the case. That book just is. I am reading it, but it has never been written, but it is written in the same time. I have just had this feeling of stepping back a little and looking at it from different perspective. 
My mind gave up.
I could feel no past, no future. The fact that I am in the present moment and I always AM there. And as I move, scenery change but all of this simply IS in the present moment and I watch it. That everything just IS.
The feeling is gone this morning though. But I hope to regain it.

"Zen of Love" book is actually a beautiful bridge into there. There was also a simple technique about how to get into love state, about how to dissolve what is untrue so only Truth is left. 
It was as simple as dropping your armor, imagining somebody/something you love, a broken heart or your bad feelings about yourself, unworthiness or any thought you believed and was holding you back and just loving it.
So I have brought the warmest and most beautiful image of my ex beloved and all the pain associated with loosing the relationship we've had. I put myself in that dark feeling I am avoiding to look at, tears were dropping heavily. And then I just loved it with all my being. And it simply dissolved all of this sadness! Like the light dissolving the shadow! I just couldn't feel the sadness any more! My mind has completely surrender and I couldn't stop laughing for at least 15 minutes! Then all the time through the evening my laugh has been coming back. I did yoga session and during that laugh has been jumping out of me in random moments. 
It was beautiful. I have been just filled with love. Simply loving everyone. Seeing through the illusion... I still am. But there is some resistance back now. Some level of illusion is back. 
But I will work on it. Even though my ego is trying to lead.

I have had health problems by the end of last and beginning of this year.
I have had a lot of "medicines" left, like antibiotics and other stuff.
I have joined the group to give them for free. And then the guy has written to me.
We have set it up, but then we have started talking. And I could see the root of his health problems.
He simply was elsewhere. I have opened to him so much I could feel the love between me and him even though we were only speaking online. I felt huge gratitued and happiness of the fact that I was able to meet someone like him. He told me a story of how he all life was trying to discover what ELSE we are. Researching very old informations about universe and how we are just an image made of universe.
He told me the story about his day just from before he got sick.
He said he felt one with the universe, he was talking with the universe and he know that the universe can hear him. And next morning he have got heart attack...
And then he believed he is sick. He believed he has got Lyme disease, even though he never had a tick in his life.
He said I am the first person he is telling the story about the fact that he can SEE energy. He can see colors of the wind. He can see colors of the music, even of the words I have been typing to him.
All his life when he looked at his body he didn't know who's it is. He felt oneness with everything. He was crying with the tree watching tree dying. He said he can hear some sort of "water drop sound" any time something or someone leaves this place. He said he once was on Emergency in hospital and that was a torture for him because water was dropping all the time!
I think he actually has healing abilities. He told me a story of the woman who he helped just by holding her in his arms and his dog that somehow he helped.
YET, I am the first person that told him he just have this amazing abilities! He actually believed psychiatrist and other people that told him there is something wrong with him!
I am extremally grateful of meeting him. I felt connected within second because we were speaking from the place of turth, from the place of love.
 

My body refuses now also anything that is "wrong". It doesn't want to deal with anything that has any negativity within it. I can only be true and positive, otherwise I suffer a lot.
I went to the post office to actually send these antibiotics to him and one more person. I bought an envelope. I dropped that in. 
But I couldn't send it. My intuition told me to don't do that! I have actually felt panicked about being so dissociated... one part of me wanted to send it, the other resisted that with full force. One was saying it's okay, but the other was saying: IT'S ILLEGAL. You can get in trouble. You can easily feel what's inside envelope. If they check - you, or the other person will be IN TROUBLE. Also, why are you actually doing this if you do not believe that these medicines can actually truly help people?

I didn't send it. And that guy have told me that it's good I have never sent it to him. He believed me that root of his illness is elsewhere. Does it give me responsibility if I am wrong? 
Life is really interesting.

But there are also downs. With every high, sometimes I wake up in the morning with feeling hopeless. Like, utterly hopeless. Alone, with no understanding of any other being. Life seems pointless, meaningless. I really feel locked in here and want to escape. Suicidal thoughts are coming.
But, so far I can deal with it. It isn't that often so I find ways to deal with it. Just believe it's just important part of awakening to the truth.

[wesyasz]

I have managed to get back into my yoga and meditation routine, need to bring back reiki and energetic massage today. It feels good.

Today after morning meditation and book I did felt glowing and I was smiling for no reason. A lot of joy. Just went for a walk to collect a parcel and there was a dog in one of the houses garden barking at me. I just looked into his eyes with all my love and being one that he just melted away. I have never seen such a confused animal in my life. He looked scared, innocent, confused and friendly all at once. 

- you are not as threatening and scary as you thought, huh?

He curled his tail underneath him and took few steps back, then slowly I convinced him to trust and come closer. 

On my way back there were little girls amusing him already and he looked as friendly and loving as dog can get. So called "dangerous", previously dog

I love animals. Honestly.

Edited November 28, 2019 by wesyasz

[wesyasz]

I knew.

Me is an illusion.

I was and is right.

Me is confused.

I knows.

Me plays that it knows.

Me is trying to kill I.

I need to kill me. 

I is freedom.

Me is prison.

 

That few lines sounds like insane person, but it actually makes a lot of sense.

Edited November 28, 2019 by wesyasz

[SoonHei]

@wesyasz god bless you champ <3

 

[wesyasz]

On 29.11.2019 at 3:17 PM, SoonHei said:

@wesyasz god bless you champ <3

 

Not so fast...
But thank you for your post

I am getting really, really tired. Tired of people, tired of this whole awakening thing. 
There are moments when I feel really close. Then it feels like I will never get it. Feel frustrated like Buddha who decided he's gonna sit under that tree until he gets enlightened.
Everyday I am waking up tired. Maybe I am just addicted myself to cacao or I am not drinking enough water? But I guess it's just nothing that makes me much excited to wake up into. My ego got involved in chasing awakening . And basic ego loneliness I guess.
 It was actually quite a nice and sunny day today, which doesn't happen often but I didn't felt like getting out anywhere alone. Before I have planned to spend the weekend in the mountains with a girl I met recently but she cancelled that yesterday as she had something to sort out today at the end. So we gonna meet tomorrow I guess.
So on that lovely sunny day today I have just shut the curtains on the windows and meditate. I didn't even eat or drink anything. 
Not much happened though.
I was meditating for a few hours and couple of times I just felt joy and love pouring from the base a little bit up to my heart level space and it was pretty nice, but my ego obviously got on the way wondering how to hold onto it and keep it. I also realised that the joy and pleasure feeling comes out when I erase all resistance thorough my body. ALL resistance. I even sometimes imagine when lying down for some time without any movement that I am just become one with the earth, plants are growing all over my body and all the insect just get onto it. Like, becoming one with everything. And then it joy, love and pleasure emerge very intensely. Am I actually fucked up? .
Well, few hours of meditation which stopped being meditation after a while and became pursuing the way to become love left my tired, depressed and lonely again. Ego not satisfied.
I don't really know why am I writing this here because it is not the contect I have been planning to write in here, but feel like I need to.

The other question that has arised recently is...
Is it only me this way or is it just the way it is?
Like... Do I actually exist?
I do feel I exist when I am engaged in something - listening to music, reading, eating, talking, interacting, planning, working, whatever. Doing, in general. But when I sit alone in an empty room in a silence I do not feel existing. I just feel emptiness. And it is not a nice feeling. Is it what it is? I do feel existing when the silence is alive, like being out in the nature, the emptiness which is filling me is completely different.
So this is way I also have stayed in today. I have set a mission to myself to be happy and whole even sitting in this empty, silent room. And I don't know if this is actually right thing I am doing.

I am also feeling like I am on a crossroad.
I feel like in order to pursue awakening from all of this I have to give up on this life. And there is part of me that wants to go out and enjoy life. Take my bicycle and just cycle around this planet for example. Just enjoy life. I also feel happier when I focus on my dreams and life in general. And there is other part of me that says that if I want to wake up I need to give up on everything if I doesn't want to get through this lifetime after lifetime. Part of me which wants to awake, part of me which wants to just enjoy life.
I'm lost as fuck ,

Edited November 30, 2019 by wesyasz

[SoonHei]

8 minutes ago, wesyasz said:

There are moments when I feel really close

What are you anticipating you will find? What are you looking or waiting for? 

[wesyasz]

8 minutes ago, SoonHei said:

What are you anticipating you will find? What are you looking or waiting for? 

I guess shattering my mind.
Living out of heart space.
Being Love, not fear.
Being able to see the beauty of everything?
Sort of what you experience on lsd . 
Just being satisfied and filled with being.

Edited November 30, 2019 by wesyasz

[wesyasz]

How much do we really create our reality when we still our mind?

Once before I meditate I have set an intention about how to brake through the layers that girl wears and how to melt them and get closer to create connection. 

And it did actually visualised during my mediation.

Yesterday, things went exactly as I have imagined it. 

I mean, the part about softening the barriers.

It's beautiful when you get through all of this closer to the true being of another one.

But also funny thing has happened at night I have woke up next to her and for a good 10 seconds my mind was completely off. I wasn't sure what reality I woke up to, I wasn't sure where I am or if she is the same person I have been with last night and actually what exactly had happened.

I was really tired after previous night (been out at night and slept only an hour) and after lots of stimulants to stay awake (couple of coffees and a white tea). But still, it felt weird and wonder what exactly had happened. It did happened before in my life also when my sleep patterns were rough but this time it persisted longer than couple of seconds.

 

Edited December 2, 2019 by wesyasz

[wesyasz]

Why the stories she tells me sounds like my own stories?

Completely random and unimportant, I may think. 

But why she also get these Chinese herbs?

Why she tell me same funny story about dentist that I have just experienced?

Why she also discovered XC skiing, also last year?

I mean.

A few months back I have made a note for myself which have consisted also with the sentence "kill your fucking ego and dance on it's grave". This girl is actually an artist who's one of the exhibition was literally a grave she made for the ego ?

What is this trying to show me? How is this possible out of 8 billions people she just appears with same stories to tell? Is she out of my imagination too?

How come it all went so fast with us? I have to admit though that I am scared of how hungry of this intimacy I was. Like... why?!

Edited December 3, 2019 by wesyasz

[wesyasz]

To add on to it I have borrowed a book from her. She just handed me a few and I have felt that this is the one I need to read. 

I just read it now.

It's about coincidences, guidance by intuition and weird things which are appearing to show you the way. Subtle synchronisations that can appear out of the blue and in a second change the direction of your entire path.

Sort of my topic here.

What a coincidence, once again.

Edited December 3, 2019 by wesyasz