What I See?

[wesyasz]

I really want to Know.
What this reality is.
All this weird stuff happening and which I have been writing down here. I mean, some of this is so, so weird.
What does it mean. What does it show?
Yesterday all day I have been feeling amazing. It all felt just right. I felt I am capable of loving abolutely anything. I was happy watching myself putting my ego aside in order for benefit of others. Putting my most valuable desire aside in benefit of other. That made me happy.
And in the evening hit of anxiety and a panic about myself just bombed me. Like, extremely different perspective on my behaviour. Which one is real? I guess, none. Just like a wave of bad emotions about me with not pleasant feeling in my head. I have had a coffee in the morning and been to sauna during the day. I don't know.
What if all these good and bad moments is just an effect of supplements and other stuff I eat? Why can I put my existential crisis a little bit aside by having some cacao? (how silly it even sounds?).

If this reality is not what I think it is. Wrong. There is no if.
This reality is not what I think it is.
Then what it is.

What is.

I have no energy to live much.
Have got plans to go to India just because I have had a few signs.
Then I was about to miss the ferry back to Europe. So I speed up. Had a car crash. Was I not meant to be on that ferry?
And I stuck in this city to sort things with the car out. But it takes sooo long.

Which led me to meeting her. 
And what do I do from now on?
My mind doesn't even want to recently cooperate. No focus, no creativity. A lot of tiredness.
And I even struggle to meditate now. Because I cannot stop thinking of her. 

[wesyasz]

And to "What I See?" I need to add a thing.
I have been browsing some random websites and on one of them, there was such a cool picture about ayahuasca ceremony. I found it really funny so I have even downloaded it.
And a day later, which means, today, somebody has posted it on the aya group I belong to. 
These lovely coincidences.

[wesyasz]

So I rent a room in this house now. There is only one person staying in the same building to look after the place. He apparently like talking to me and taking every opportunity.  Yesterday we've been talking in the kitchen while I was cooking and somehow we went onto his story when he had a surgery and he had his third heart stroke. He said that things became black and white and for a few seconds he was watching on that machine his heart beat turned into this straight line...     And he suddenly felt s lot of bliss and became very peaceful.

Welcome home, I thought.

Another story. Yesterday I felt really wrong somehow I couldn't get up in the morning and also I couldn't focus and generally do anything. I went for a walk to meditate in the forest nearby which is noisy anyway. But on the way there was this dog really unfriendly and even attacky towards me. I have been just standing there watching him running around me and his owner couldn't take control of him. He said it's first time he behave like this. Must be something in me, I've replied. And indeed very different experience with the dog compared to my previous one when all I felt was love and peace.

[wesyasz]

That is literally first thing I have ever painted in my life.

With my shaking hands the chances for a good one are rather unlikely, but it's fun trying and watching what comes out.

[wesyasz]

I went to breath ceremony. Itself it was an amazing experience actually and I am surprised how great it was. I feel sooo peaceful afterwards.

But it's a different story.

We supposed to introduce ourselves in the beginning and there was a girl who said she lives here but she would love to live closer to forest. Which already placed my focus on her.

After the event we all have been hugging each other. I did particularly enjoyed hugging her. Just right energy.

But then she left, so we just said bye. Went to a tram station, walked into the tram and she was there. But I still couldn't convince myself to invite her for a tea or something, as I felt a little bit tired and dizzy after the event. But then she was even leaving on the same tram stop. And you know what. I just watched her go. I'm hopeless ?. She even looked like visualisation of the girl Im penpalling with! Eh me have won with I today. What a shame ??

Part of the process I guess. Next time it won't finish like this ?.

But what is even more amazing I have been reading this book yesterday and there was a thread about recognizing synchronicites and main character couldn't recognize when the sign in form of people appeared because he was too scared of negative outcome.

It's really all just me. Giving signs to myself. Time to learn to recognize fear and always act in the name of love. 

Edited December 7, 2019 by wesyasz

[wesyasz]

I am going to India on my own.
Scared of being alone as fuck.
It's irrational, I know. I travelled the world. Literally. Hitch-hiked dozens of thousands kilometers across the globe. Cycled length of equator around Asia. But not on my own.
I'm afraid of loneliness.

I am everything. I am never alone. 
Keep reminding to myself...

Edited December 11, 2019 by wesyasz

[wesyasz]

5 pieces of dark chocolate 95% and my fear is gone.
What does it mean.

[wesyasz]

She have said she need time. 
So I just leave it up to her. But I'm leaving next week so I went to give her book back. I thought I will just leave it next to her door, so if she prefers to not see me now then it's right way to do it. But I have had trouble to get into the building . I wondered if anyone will go in or out so I can sneak in. I have been waiting for a while. I looked at the clock. 11:10. Beautiful, 11:11 means that in one minute somebody will walk out of the building. So I have been just waiting, convinced what is going to happen. In 30 seconds somebody just walked out the door. I smiled and went inside.

[wesyasz]

Sounds softened. Mind slowed down. Some calmness filled my body within. I have stopped in the middle of human wave going in all directions in the center of christmas market. Thought have found the way. I have stopped wanting. Meaningless and sense of emptiness of life brought me home. Something died to create stillness from emptiness. And it's neither happiness nor sadness. Neither gain nor loss. I just am. And there is nothing else.

Edited December 12, 2019 by wesyasz

[wesyasz]

I'm afraid I'm having enough. I don't think I have much energy left. Feels like it's time to leave this place soon, whatever all this is.

[wesyasz]

All I do is just try to remind myself this is all just a dream.

I am watching yt video with Paul Levy and I have just got realization I would really like to find some like-minded community who is about waking up and navigating through this dream. Otherwise I may leave it soon. So I go into workaway website to have a look what's in there in my country and the very first listing title starts just like that: "Become a part of the dream (...)".

I don't know how to change the course of my circumstances, how to control this experience. Otherwise I feel trapped. I feel I keep myself in a prison and I cannot do anything about that. 

[wesyasz]

I have been on psytrance party couple of weeks ago. There was a girl dancing next to me for quite a bit of time. She kept my attention as she was dancing basically all the time for many hours on that carpet which I Iiked too. And there was just something about her that made her way into my mind.

I went on Tinder to meet some people as I'm in this city now and don't know many people -800 000 population- and there was a match today. We started having conversation. Just guess who she is....

???????????

Now she wants to trip together. 
I have no questions about this reality.

IS THIS REALLY ALL JUST MY CREATION?
How do I get out of this deep hole I am at right now then?

Edited December 14, 2019 by wesyasz

[wesyasz]

6 hours ago, Limbo said:

But if you leave how will I know what you see??

You won't care, so don't worry about that .

[wesyasz]

How is this possible to be on the edge of suicide and even imagining oneself jumping off the highest building with all the sensations and smile on the face...

...just to find out a moment later how fascinating all this life game is. Little signs create some sort of feeling and curiosity about what all this is and where it leads.

There is a few numbers that come and go all the time since I realized they show up from time to time. But couple of numbers that are repeating consistently since half a year are 33 and 67.Everywhere. Why? Don't know. I just turned 33 by the way. 67 been with me all the time though. 
Once I realized that reality is connected with my mind I even tried to do "reality checks". Once I was driving home and I thought, ok, let's see if I think about some number and it will be on the next car licence plate. So I thought 67. There were 2 cars coming from opposite direction. First has got 66 and the next one 68. 

I have found instagram of the girl I have mentioned above.

 

[wesyasz]

I shouldn't do any psychedelics now.
I believe I have had a car crash to get rid of what I have possessed. I disposed it just in case before anyone showed up.
Then I was looking for some, but empire market didn't work for a few weeks.
This girl showed up. I was trying to order some mushrooms/lsd through it as it suddenly started working. 
Got to the phished site somehow and sent money to the fake bitcoin address. Lost the money.
Open your eyes!
It clearly tells you it is not the way now.

Edited December 16, 2019 by wesyasz

[wesyasz]

Thought has arised in my mind that I should go to the parcel box to collect the parcel I am waiting for.
Not even 2 seconds later sms has came that it is right now on the way there.

I mean. It's cool. It's fun. It really is fascinating.

But does it really matter? Does it change anything? Does it make my life any more bearable?
 

[wesyasz]

Ok, that stuff is getting heavy.

I the moment I left the question in my previous post I left tearoom I was sitting at and went towards the city centre. I went into bookstore to see if there won't be any book which I will feel pulled towards. But I didn't meant to look too much just see if there really will be anything that  steal my attention. As previously when that girl handled me a few books and I felt which one I wish to borrow. And once I have finished it, I knew why it supposed to be this one. But there was nothing in the bookstore so I have left and continued my walk. I have started wondering how would that feel if the light would literally shined through this illusion. And that moment the guy appeared right in front of me and gave me a book without any word out of the blue. 

And he said it's about a woman who used to live in India and about living in higher level of consciousness. And he said they print it themselves and I can pay him as much as I want. And I was just standing there looking at him like on someone who came from the other planet with my eyes wide open and I have just started trying to tell him how amazing it is and...... and he just smiled and said - there is no coincidences ?.

And as I said thank you and started to walk away towards main square the song from the Christmas Market was playing - it was "Imagine" from John Lennon...... same song I was listening to a few times this morning (or last evening, cannot remember, anyway). 

My eyes were filled with tears I cannot explain. 

Also I felt from my body that it asks for some nutrition as my diet wasn't the greatest recently. I really felt like eating some cheese. I even thought to eat some paneer dish in some Indian place. But then I'm trying to eat vegan... But I never found vegan "cheese" in this city with clean ingredients. And all of the sudden I found myself in this recently opened organic store and there was this beautiful "cheese" made out of cashew nuts.... with so, so clean ingredients! Well, but that is just nothing compared to the previous thing. But felt obligated to mention it in my what I see list.

This is getting radiciulous.

Edited December 16, 2019 by wesyasz

[wesyasz]

New.

Last thing has been closed. My past is behind. Chapter finished. 

New city where I know no one. New me. Lying on my bed looking at the ceiling while listening music. It's perfect. I'm perfect. I don't need anything. I'm not attached to anything. Don't need to achieve anything. For a while, I'm nobody.

It feels good.

[wesyasz]

I have used blablacar today to travel. Not to mention how much we have had in common with the driver but he also have done two Vipassana retreats this year.

We have been talking a lot about different aspects of life and I have mentioned my story with the book. 

And he said that's good Jehovah's witnesses haven't catched you!

And I have said that it's a lot of them around my neighbourhood and actually I don't know much about them. And all I know that people are annoyed that they visit them but who knows maybe they just want to spread peace and love. And he said yeah, that's right I have said that but I don't know much neither.

And the other passenger from the back, quiet until now.

Sorry to interrupt you, I'm on my headphones but some keywords have been approaching me from time to time, and actually, I am Jehovah's witness.

[wesyasz]

I am mostly vegan but at the place I'm renting there was some butter in the fridge. When I was visiting Chinese medicine doctor last year she have said to eat some butter as it's good fat for the body.

So I have been stealing a little bit every so often. It's been left there I don't know if that was anyones. And yesterday I just finished that package as I was leaving. I thought to myself that it probably isnt right thing to do as it is certainly stealing but in the same time I told myself that it isn't a big deal and to don't be paranoid. 

I'm reading this book now on the way to Munich.

If appeal to steal wouldn't exist in Absolute Truth, how could that exist within us? Krsna became famous as a butter thief.