Constant brain shaking and rage, devilish laughs, neurotic behaviour

[Strangeloop]

I have been getting these weird brain shaking whenever a certain thoughts appear it's like reprogramming your brain but with special effects so you really now it's true.

Also whenever I get thoughts on being gay I rage and have this almost like seizure movements. Crazy. I've been begging God to stop them but they keep coming back. Even as I'm writing I can feel my brain tensing up and doing all sorts of movements it feels weird and is kinda enjoyable at times.

It's like I said kind like a program is working and the brain tissue reacts to it. 

Also I'm talking to myself and have these jumos between emotions from rage to laughter to sorrow... It's like the devil has corrupted me, but who's the devil? In my eyes I'm the devil itself.

My shadow is always coming on me he just does not stop until he gets what he wants- a dick in the ass...

Should I be getting an egcorsist? ?

Crazy laughs, crazy talk with the voices in my head, all is crazy, I'm a crazy mofo.

Can't deal with this shit no more. I'm in rehab and all I want is to ger high on LSD so I could forget about the problems I had before I got into rehab although they still would come back so atleast I would try to solve them.

Anyways I'm the real Devil only God can make me pure and still I think God is the Devil himself? ?

Edited September 13, 2019 by Strangeloop

[Nahm]

@Strangeloop What is the reason you are resisting sexuality? I mean, what are you getting out of it? What makes the resistance worthwhile for you?

[Strangeloop]

@Nahm I guess I've feel a sense of control in my life by resisting it

[Nahm]

@Strangeloop

Well, how open minded are you in terms of self acceptance?   Sexuality is within you, so if there is resistance, it is acting as fragmentation of yourself; parts you accept, parts you resist / deny...no?

What we resist, does seem to persist. Sounds like you’ve had this resistance for long enough to be talking about your brain shaking, etc. 

I don’t suppose you’re going to feel at peace in doing this, because, you are not parts, you are a whole. 

Peace is found, likewise, within you. The resonating of the whole of you. 

Are you sexual tendencies in disagreement with some beliefs...about “gay people”?

Reading between the lines of your post....it seems to me you had a closed minded anti-gay upbringing / environment, with religious dogma “supporting” this closed mindedness. Did you grow up a square peg, constantly trying to be forced into a round hole?

Imo, it’s not really actually about wether you are indeed gay or not, but rather, finding what perspectives are causing the discord with your inner being - who loves you unconditionally - exactly the way you are, confusion and all. 

What do you think about these things I’m saying? How do you feel about this?

 

[Strangeloop]

@Nahm I felt nothing then I was reading it. It's just words which have no meaning to me. It's been hard to ask myself am I gay or not. I've been even detached from myself as I speak to my body in second person as I'm speaking to you. And it answers. I have said to myself, be what you want to be. I also practiced affirmations like "I'm gay and I accept it"

I even mentioned my mom about gay thoughts I've been having and I really thought I would say it when I was really sure. I guess I'll be really sure when I actually have sex with a man. 

And yes I have contradicting beliefs that being gay is sinful and dirty, I also affirmate that I'm straight, I'm very straight, also denying the the fact by saying I'm not gay. All of these just add up to the seperation in my life. 

All of this duality between me is fighting between two sides and it never ends until I find a consensus. 

I'm just afraid, I keep on reminding myself of the gayness in me through my thoughts. I even started putting my middle finger inside my butthole and felt pleasure doing it. Now anxiety rises I feel terrible for doing it. I've been blaming myself that I'm a homo attaching labels. 

What's weird about it is that I sometimes tend to cough and almost start to vomit when I think about being gay. It's very paradoxical, I do one thing and my body reacts another way. Or maybe it's just a delusion.

Anyways I know that I'll have to it's almost like an obligation to be gay, it has to be this way so I could really learn. It's like a punishment for being a bad boy. 

I don't weird thoughts weird interactions and a lot of sights which I have no explanation to. 

 

[tsuki]

@Strangeloop Maybe you are not gay, but bisexual?

[Nahm]

@Strangeloop There’s really no need for a determination, in the sense, you are this or that. It’s a thought, it’s dualistic. You’ll always be the awareness - aware of - all duality. Sexuality doesn't ‘Duality’ so well. It’s thought, and it’s how one feels, and thought about how one will feel in the future. I’d really take some time to flip the perspective, and start putting how you feel before any thoughts. 

Straight, gay, etc, are nice tight categories as words and as thought, but what they point to is not. The difference between thinking about sexual relationships, encounters, etc, and actually experiencing - right now - a sexual relationship / sexual encounter - is the first happens in duality and can be repeated (in thought) forever, and the second is something which is actually happening right now and you are receiving incredible amounts of information via sensations about the experience (if it’s happening right now).

 So, we drive ourselves nuts in thought loops, or we put how we feel first. 

Often putting how you feel first, means choosing how you feel over being right, and over what anybody else thinks about the topic, or about you. 

Putting how you feel first, also means, - before anything you think. 

If the thought doesn’t feel good, choose feeling over righteousness. Listen to the feeling, it is the grounding to the source of you. The thoughts are, kinda, rogue. Wild goose-chase-ish. Let em go. 

Who you really are, is loving of any combination whatsoever which makes up any being or thing. Feeling better is always in that direction, because who you really are is the fucking awesomest. 

This isn’t as much about the thinking about what this is about. It’s more about unification, reconnection. Far as I’m considered you are lovable, without any qualifications or disclaimers, and I am the final authority on that. Anybody’s got any thing to say about it, I don’t care and it doesn’t matter. You have the final authority, and that is the expression that matters. 

[PlayOnWords]

@Strangeloop I struggled for a long time to accept my sexuality. Even now some days I catch myself thinking I am wrong in some way.

I was quite content thinking I was a camp straight man, until my repressed homosexual urges started to show up.

Its taken a lot to really change my perspective on my sexuality and like I say, sometimes my old denial habits come back in temporarily. 

I think self acceptance and love critical here. Also, experiment! Try to do this without fear. Fear of what this makes you, what other people would think etc. Go suck that dick and bloody enjoy it as well. If that is what you want in that moment. 

There is nothing to do here, except ACCEPT. Love yourself and every aspect that includes. 

Maybe journal some childhood experiences you had that made you think this is wrong and build up these beliefs. Try to remove the wool that's been pulled over your eyes. 

 

Good luck and lots of love. (no hetero)

[Strangeloop]

2 hours ago, PlayOnWords said:

Go suck that dick and bloody enjoy it as well. If that is what you want in that moment.

Made me do this desperate laugh which almost caused me to cry from lack of hope...

[PlayOnWords]

@Strangeloop sorry, this was not my intention. At least you laughed. 

What is so bad about homosexuality, in your opinion? 

Hope arises out of acceptance. 

Edited September 16, 2019 by PlayOnWords

[Strangeloop]

@PlayOnWords The sex part is the bad part, it would be gross to kiss a man aswell

[pluto]

Be careful what beliefs you buy into, they shape your reality. If you do not serve you, discard them. They are illusory thus finite.