Raphael

Going through the spiral

71 posts in this topic

Too much pressure

I really put too much stress and pressure on myself currently. This is not helping me and I feel how it hit my productivity. I also have some burning feeling in my stomach because of this.

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My emotions change so quickly

It's incredible how fast my emotional state can change. I was very stressed for the last few days and had burning feelings in my chest, then this morning I felt incredibly blissful, but now I'm stressed again and have these burning feelings because I did some shit online to another person's business.

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Hell on earth: My Dad's life

My dad just turns 68 today, 68 of an extremely chaotic life. I remember some years ago when I felt like my life was shit when I was depressed when I wanted to kill myself. All of this is nothing compared to my dad's life, the way he lived, especially when he was young is what we can qualify as hell on earth.

My dad was born in a very poor family. He lived with his siblings in straw houses and sheet metal houses, they didn't have their own room, they were all sleeping together on the ground because they were too poor to afford a bed. They were living with insects crawling on their body when they were sleeping, they had to hold the walls of their house when they were some bad weather or a storm because it was so fragile. My dad didn't even have a lot of clothes when he was a kid, he told me he went to school naked sometimes. I don't know if it's true, I personally have many doubts about this. He started to do hard physical work at a very young age, he was cutting sugar canes in the fields at the age of 10 - 12. His dad was an alcoholic who abused him, he was also beating him and his siblings. You think your life is hard? Think twice.

This really poor childhood reverberated on his entire life. I saw him angry almost every week, I saw him humiliating people, humiliating my mom, humiliating me. I saw him throwing a knife at my mom when I was a kid. I saw him being extremely aggressive and fearful, I saw his negativity, his irrationality, his extreme reactions. I saw his fear of not having enough money every time I was with him. I rarely got kind words from him or high conscious love, but I got a lot of humiliations, critics, anger, and restrictions. I almost wasn't beaten, but I found the few times it happened was very unfair.

I also absorbed some of his neuroticism, his negativity, his criticism, his fear of people. I only started to transform myself 4 - 5 years ago without being very serious about it, but even with that, I still changed a lot. Spiritual work is incredible and so damn powerful.

So today I was with my dad in the kitchen and I tell him: "Happy Birthday". It was awkward, his reaction wasn't exceptional, but I still told the man that I hated most of my life "Happy Birthday". It's far better than where I was less than 2 years ago, where I had panic attacks thinking about him, and where I was so hateful that I even wanted to kill him.

I'm more accepting my dad now, and I'm accepting that he did the best he can with what he had.

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Still Burning

I'm still having those burning feelings in my chest, but now it's also a little in my shoulders. I'm currently discussing with a potential client and I'm stressing myself because of this. Bootstrapping a business is hard, but I'm sure I will gain the ability to handle stress in business.

Leo's video "How To Deal With Strong Negative Emotions" will help.

 

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Discovering What's Truth

Leo's video "How To Discover What's True - A Deep Inquiry" is much more complex than I expected. Most of the time I understand his content logically pretty well, but I had some trouble for this one. I was also a little sleepy and not very focused while listening to it, so it surely played on my understanding.

Overall, I really enjoyed the content and was surprised by its practicality. This episode is currently one of the best in my opinion.

 

Edited by Raphael

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Indoctrinated By Stage Blue

After spending two years with stage blue communities, I feel like I got a little indoctrinated by them. I feel like I take more care of good manners, where I would not give a fuck in the past about using kind words. I also feel like I'm a little more afraid to speak up and a little uncomfortable when someone points out what's not working properly, where I would often notice what's wrong in the past and try to improve it.

I need to be careful and more conscious when spending time in those communities. If I don't and just consider that we are all equals (which is the case in the absolute sense, but not relatively speaking), I will unconsciously let them bring me down to their level of consciousness.

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Silent Happiness, Noisy Madness

I recently noticed that when I'm really happy I don't feel so many needs: no needs to share stuff, to blame others, to want people to know me, to go back to my addictions, to distract myself with bullshit. I can just sit and enjoy life without caring about anything.

Whereas unhappiness is noisy because I need so many useless things: people appreciation, porn, movies, video games, the need to feel superior, the need to blame, etc. All of this costs a lot of energy, doesn't help me, and attracts a lot of shit.

When we are happy we are aligned with the universe and we easily flow with everything around us. I need to make happiness my priority in life.

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Lack Of Consistency

My lack of consistency is hurting my work and results. I have concentration issues, my organization is messy, and procrastination is a huge problem. I need to fix that seriously and as soon as possible. My next practical journal will be about work, organization, and becoming a result maker. I'm planning to start it in the next 2 - 4 months.

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Thoughts And Emotions Are Tools

I'm currently arriving at a level of consciousness where I can see that emotions and thoughts can be used as tools to go through life. In fact, from a certain level of consciousness, it becomes possible to activate and deactivate them when needed according to our life circumstances.

As an example, if someone has a great vision he/she can mix thoughts with love (one of the most powerful emotions) to attain a purpose. Thought specifies a direction and love creates motion.

At this moment, I'm not able to do this powerfully, but I have a grasp of the potential.

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A Little Of Red

I feel like I have a little of stage red inside me, maybe 1 - 2%. It's not toxic, but I can see it appearing when I'm confronted with very difficult people. What's important is that I have control over it, even if sometimes it can be difficult.

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Feeling What's True, Feeling What's False

I always had an intuition concerning what's true and false. When someone tells me something or when I do something, I can feel if it's true or false. Does that mean that I always follow my intuition? No. In fact, most of the time I don't and I had many true intuitions in the past, but that didn't help me because I was too scared to follow them. That's another thing that I can improve in myself.

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