Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

Having to obey an incompetent authority is the most annoying thing ever.

[Raphael]

I don't know why, but...

I noticed that the use of this kind of sentence:

• I don't know why they do that, but they are like this
• I don't know why these people are like that, but [INSERT EMOTION HERE]
• I don't know why he do this, but [INSERT INSULT HERE]

Are just ways to avoid digging deeper when someone isn't mature enough for exploration.

[Raphael]

Actualized.org is an illusion.

[Raphael]

Actualized.org is an Illusion

I deluded myself.

I have been watching these videos for so many years without realizing that I was the one behind everything. I was lost, deluded, and depressed and I wanted to get out of my delusion by creating a higher quality delusion that would be a stepping stone out of my delusion, but I didn't saw that it was another delusion. I see it now, it's always there no matter the video. It takes many forms but it's always the same source. And it's not only about actualized.org, it's the same thing for all videos that exist.

I created everything. I created these videos, I created Leo, I created this forum and each message that it contains.

These videos cannot exist without me experiencing them, which means that their existence is dependant on me, which means that I created these videos.

Leo cannot exist without me experiencing Leo, which means that Leo's existence is dependant on me, which means that I created Leo.

This forum cannot exist without me experiencing it, which means that this forum's existence is dependant on me, which means that I created this forum and all messages that it contains.

And it's not only about me, it's also about you because I cannot exists without you. You created these videos, Leo, this forum, and everything else. This post cannot exists without you experiencing it, which means that this post's existence is dependant on you, which means that you created this post.

I'm going to stop here for today, I will create the answers that I need tomorrow.

 

[Raphael]

Let's get back to the imagination of being human. They are some serious biases that I need to tackle within this dream.

[Raphael]

Exploring Racial Biases

I have been repressing some stuff for too many years now. I think it's time to have an honest conversation with myself.

I see that I have a few racial biases, nothing strong, but some biases anyway. I see a few very sneaky intrusive thoughts and also some small reactions in my body when it comes to some people. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any strong hate for anybody, but these biases do affect my perception and my interpretation of things.

This is going to be uncomfortable for me, but also for people. I see that I might hurt some people while journaling about this here. I apologize for that in advance, but if I go through this it might be unavoidable to project and make mistakes.

I will explore both my personal biases and also biases of others that caused me suffering. I will explore my projections and people's projections on me. I will interconnect everything: my environment, others people's environment, different cultures, childhood, family, past traumas, etc. It will be about me and others. I will share emotions such as fear, sadness, anxiety, hurt, and anger.

I think I will be overall fine with the forum rules as I'm not interested in voluntarily putting some people down, but to explore myself in order to understand myself and purge myself. Maybe one or two things will be near the limit.

If you are a moderator or anyone else and think that something that I write here is inappropriate for this forum, just let me know and I'll stop.

[Raphael]

All of Leo's attempts to prevent actualized.org turning into a cult will fail.

[Raphael]

Exploring Racial Biases: Environmental Context

I need to add some context before getting started, it will be crucial in understanding my situation and understanding how my thoughts and emotions formed.

I live in Mauritius which is a small tropical island in the Indian Ocean. I don't usually like to talk about it here because the law on drugs and psychedelics is very strict. As the population is something like ~1.2 million people and I already shared a lot about me here, I feel like it's possible to recognize me and find who I am.

The Mauritian population demographic is broadly as follow:

• 67%: Indians. This is a reference to the country of origin here and not a religious reference. It includes any religion: Hinduism, Christianity, Islam, etc.
• 28%: Black Africans
• 3%: Chinese
• 2%: White. Mostly people of French and British ancestry

Many people are mixed-race and belong to multiple categories. I remember reading somewhere that 25% of the population is mixed race. They are also immigrants mostly from South East Asia (India, Pakistan, Bangladesh) and East Africa (Madagascar, South Africa), and some immigrants from Europe.

I personally fall into the mixed-race category which can confuse people.

Here's the religious distribution:

• 48.54%: Hinduism
• 32.71%: Christianity
• 17.30%: Islam
• 1.45%: Others

The social hierarchy is as follow:

1. White: better perceived, most wealthy group.
2. Indians and Chinese: overall average people, but some of them can be pretty high in the hierarchy. Indians hold most of the political power.
3. Black Africans: not well perceived. Represents the poorer group.

Because of the cultural mix, they are no official languages in Mauritius. However, English is used when it comes to administrations. English and French are used at the parliament, except when it comes to insults. Mauritian Creole who is based on French is the most spoken language while French is the second most recognizable language. The situation concerning the language is quite messy and can create confusion for foreigners who aren't used to hear people switch between three languages in the same conversation.

I lived in Mauritius most of my life, I also lived in France for a few years, and a few months in the United Kingdom.

[Raphael]

Exploring Racial Biases: Personal Background

As I mentioned before I am a mixed-race individual, more precisely of Indian and French ancestry. My dad is a dark-skinned man of Indian ancestry and my mom is a white woman of French ancestry. What's interesting in this situation for me and my sister is that even if we have the same parents, my skin is rather light where my sister's skin is rather dark.

My family is a bit sliced between two cultures and even more cultures if I take my extended family into consideration. However, my French side is shrinking as almost everyone from this side is dead now, where I have many uncles, aunts, and cousins from my Indian side.

Overall I feel that I'm closer to my French side than my Indian side. I see a few reasons for this:

• Everyone at home speaks French. When my mom immigrated she didn't know the local language, but my dad knew French, so my parents always communicated in French around me.
• I went to private French schools, rather than public schools. So even if I live in an African country, I had a western French education
• I lived in France for a few years

Concerning my Indian side... well I don't have a lot of things that I relate to. Sure most people in my country are of Indian ancestry and Indian culture is very present here. I can easily hear some Hindi or Bhojpuri (I'm not able to differentiate them though) on the radio, while watching TV, and just by walking in the street. I went to some ceremonies like marriages and prayers, I also have some people in my family who traveled to India and lived there. But even with all that, I don't really relate that much to this culture except maybe when it comes to some spiritual stuff.

I also have a problem with languages. As people always spoke French around me and as I mostly had a French education, I never really learned to speak properly the local language. I understand it, I can speak it, but I make mistakes and have an accent which makes me uncomfortable. This caused me to be pretty alienated since a young age from the rest of society. Finally, things are getting weirder since I discovered actualized.org 5 years ago because I started to consume more and more English content to the point where almost everything that I read or listen to is in English and where my French is degrading.

[Raphael]

Exploring Racial Biases: About Multiculturalism

I am a product of multiculturalism, I was born in multiculturalism.

The schools that I attended as a kid allowed me to meet a lot of people from diverse backgrounds. They are privileged schools at first where most of the white minority of the country study. White people don't frequent public schools that much here and are often isolated from the rest of the population. It felt a bit weird when I was a kid to see so many white people because most people around me were Indians, but I got accustomed to it.

I think that maybe 70% of people were white and 30% of people were from other backgrounds, it gave me a good multicultural playground. Kids from all origins were mixing together, so in my experience racism didn't existed and was something from the past. It sounds silly now because my dad is extremely racist and in retrospect I think I can remember a few moments of small racism within kids, but they were very small.

[Raphael]

I need to stay aware that my experience is shaped by my personal background and my environment. The dynamics here aren't exactly the same as in the US or a white majority country, but they are definitely similarities.

[Raphael]

Exploring Racial Biases: Groups Involved

I noticed biases towards these people:

• Black Africans: I noticed a few highly subtle intrusive thoughts in the past and some small hints of fear when encountering a black person or seeing a picture of a black person. I think I mostly absorbed that from my dad.
• Indians: This is a reaction against my family who is pretty fucked up and a reaction against an oppressive past experience. However, I also noticed recurring patterns in Indian families that young Indian people are complaining about and I'm not sure if pointing out these patterns is necessarily racists.

I will write detailed posts about these biases.

[Raphael]

I wanted to take a bit of time every day to contemplate things, but this is making me incredibly agitated. I can't stop having sleepless night and can't work properly. I feel a fear of being judged even if they aren't strong biases, but subtle ones. I think I'm going to slow down my work and throw everything out in a private journal. I will then share things gradually here.

[Raphael]

Exploring Racial Biases: Black Africans Biases

Foreword: I apologize in advance if anything hurt someone here.

What Happened

I noticed a few intrusive thoughts on black people in the past. It wasn't intense and I didn't have a lot of them, but I was surprised the first time. The first time that it happened was a few years ago, I caught myself and I was like "Wtf just happened? Why did I have this thought? What is happening? Am I becoming racist or what?"

I also noticed several times feeling a bit of fear when a black person would approach me in the street or when seeing a picture of a black person.

Experiences

My experience with black people is a bit more limited than my experience with Indians or white people. Most black people that I met were just normal people, they were friendly and I had no particular issue with them.

I can notably think of:

• A kid that I spent some time with in school
• A good friend who is actually mixed race (black/white) and who is now a photographer. He was always very friendly and kind
• A girl at school that I found pretty
• A pool supervisor that was very friendly
• A few other people that I met in college
• Someone that I worked with recently

However, some experiences may have distorted my perception:

• When I was at school they were a big and muscular black guy who was a bully. I got a lot of mockery from him and even if I didn't have the physique I would confront him, but only verbally. One day I said that he was dumb in the classroom and in front of everyone, he then threatened me a bit after that and scared me. It almost went physical one time: I wasn't doing anything special but he put a biscuit on me, so I took it back and put it on him, he then got reactive and slapped me and break my glasses. It didn't go further than that. I wasn't the only person that didn't like him, in fact, many people didn't like him. I think he had an influence on me because we spent many years at the same schools and even in the same classes.
• One day I was walking with my four dogs. Only one dog was leashed and it was the biggest one. I kept the others unleashed because they were pretty small and I considered them harmless. At a moment, a black man appeared. As soon as he saw me, he took a big branch from the ground and kept it with him. I was a bit surprised and started to fix him in the eyes with a little of arrogance (I think I already had some small unconscious biases at that time). He told me to be careful with my dogs and to keep them away. I said something like: "You know if you take a branch with you...". I didn't have the time to finish, he shut me up very quickly and screamed at me that next time I should put a leash on all my dogs. I get it, he was afraid, but I still consider this overactive. I always found it ridiculous when people are afraid of dogs because it's this same fear that attracts them.
• Months ago, I had new blacks neighbors recently. The mom looks pretty narcissistic, it can easily happen that I hear her threatening her kids, insulting her kids, or beating her kids.
• When I take the bus, I see that black kids are often very agitated compared to other kids. Insults and vulgarities fly very easily. Of course, it also happens with other kids, but it seems to me that it happens more with black kids.

Environmental Influence & Sense-Making

• I mentioned that before, my dad is extremely racist, especially against black people. I hear insults every day against these people and even sometimes wishes of death.
• Even if I live in an African country, there is a lot of racism directed towards black people. They aren't the majority in the country where I live and suffer from a huge traumatic background from centuries of oppression. This trauma gets passed from generation to generation and people have to deal with it which explains why they are fearful, agitated, and have more difficulties going through life.
• From 2015 to 2017, I studied in France. One thing that surprised me at first is how much sarcasm is used to talk about different groups of people. French people talk sarcastically about races every day. It happened to me to be called black, Muslim, or Indian depending on how they would perceive me. It seems that as a mixed-race person I'm not white enough to be considered white by white people. Personally, I didn't saw this as racism at first because I felt some joyful energy. I accepted it as being part of the culture and even had fun doing that with the people who did sarcastic comments on me. However, one experience made me question if there wasn't an unconscious root cause to that. In 2017, I became friend with someone who was an extreme left supporter and was all about equality for all and other stage green values. One day I told him that there was 99% of success at the final exam in my country and he seemed embarrassed. He asked me if the level was lower because in France it's not that high, then he recognized that it doesn't mean anything because I was doing well in the French settings. From what I know his parents were racists and in retrospect I think that he probably absorb some of it, but was ashamed of it and was hiding it behind stage green values. I think that there is a collective shadow within white people. I think that a certain number of people who defend equality for everyone do that because they are ashamed of some feelings and thoughts, and of course, some people do it without knowing the racist connotation because it's part of the culture. The constant use of sarcasm by some people as "it's funny, it's only a joke, it's not racist" hides a collective shadow from my perspective. And I think that I absorbed a bit of this collective shadow while living in France.

Bias Formation

I think that these small intrusive thoughts and fears that I experienced about black people got formed because:

1. I got bullied by a black kid at school
2. My dad is racist
3. There is general racism towards black people around the world and I absorbed a bit of it

When I feel some fear, it happens because it reminds me of the trauma of being bullied at school which gets amplified by general racism against black people.

Letting Go

I think I can let go of that by practicing forgiveness. I need to acknowledge and forgive:

• This black kid that bullied me when I was at school
• The racism of my dad
• The racism masqueraded behind sarcasm from French people
• The general racism against black people
• Me and my own intrusive thoughts and fears

I also need to practice acceptance and spend more time with black people.

[Raphael]

I think that everyone has at least a small unconscious kernel of racial bias. If you think you're clean, check yourself out.

[Raphael]

Exploring Racial Biases: Indians Biases

Foreword: I apologize in advance if anything hurt someone here. Also, as I'm closer to this culture (but also not that much at the same time) and I still have some unresolved pain, I'm going to rant a bit here. You are warned, so brace yourself if you are Indian.

Family Situation

I consider the Indian side of my family toxic. Most families have some toxicity and there's always worst of course, but some people that I know are pretty high on the toxic scale to the point where I consider some of them as criminals. Here are some example of situations and of people:

• I have an uncle who a long time ago used to get drunk, get back home, beat his wife, and rape her. He also used to give her death threats. They are still living together now, but he calmed down a lot because he is quite old now
• A few years ago one of my cousins tried to kill his dad. He took a piece of glass and tried to slice his dad's throat
• When I was a kid, I saw my Indian dad throwing a knife at my white mom. The reason was stupidity, they just disagreed on the appellation of the knife, and in an excess of rage, my dad threw it. Hopefully, he missed her and of course, it was her fault.
• I have an aunt who calls her son names like dog and asshole. She is pretty authoritative and gives him order all the time
• An older cousin quit the country to live in Europe with a woman that he met. He has three kids now, but nobody knows what he is doing and how he makes money
• There's a lot of alcoholics in the generation of people that raised me
• Overall people all always fighting together and it looks like the more they fight together, the more family values are important for them

In general, I didn't spend that much time with my extended family. Even if I know about these stories, I didn't experience that many traumas from them. The traumas that I experienced came mostly from my dad's influence. He was often angry, full of hate, agitated, authoritative, and was having pleasure humiliating people, me, my mom, and my sister. He calmed down a lot in recent years as he started to get old, but it's still not a pleasure to interact with him so I reduced my interactions to the minimum. I also cut the rest of my uncles and aunts, I don't want to waste time with my dad's brothers and sisters. However, I see most of my cousins as decent people, except for two of them.

Compared to that, my French side was the total opposite. I used to go to France each year with my mom and sister until a few years ago. When I was there it was like heaven, not only things worked better on the material level because the country was more developed, but people would also be much more kind and respectful. People would be more joyful, share more love, have fun and make jokes where in my Indian family many people weren't able to understand jokes, would take things seriously, and get angry. Finally, I felt free, I didn't have to be careful of what I say and feel the oppression of my dad.

I think the fact that the two sides of my family were the complete opposite in terms of consciousness contributed to the formation of the belief "white people good / Indian people bad".

2018 - 2019 Work Experience

In 2018, I entered the job market as a software developer and found a job in an offshore company of French origin. It was also the first time that I entered an Indian majority environment as I used to spend time in white-majority environments at school and in college.

What I saw the first time that I entered this company blew me away. It felt very strange, it was so silent that it felt deeply inauthentic. Nobody would smile and just barely communicate for the entire day, there was almost no humanity. Only a few people who were a bit more extroverted would try to break the ice and make a few jokes, but it was rare. Overall, it felt like a cemetery, the days consisted of: enter the company, work, have a break, work, have lunch, work, have a break, work, end of the day with almost no communication and no sharing of emotions. I don't know how things are in other companies, my guess is that there are some commonalities in corporate environments, but I don't think that the human side is always as poor as what I experienced.

So... the work environment sucked, but what surprised me even more was the psychology of the people. People were very afraid of everything: they were afraid of asking questions, they were afraid of asking for help, they were afraid of sharing ideas, they were afraid of admitting mistakes, they were afraid to speak. It looked like they didn't have an independent thinking ability but only knew to obey the boss, say yes to the boss, shut up, and do the work. I rapidly understood that it was a deeply stage blue environment and that a self-improvement culture didn't exist there. People were too afraid to explore things by themselves and therefore were doomed to repeat the exact same thing that they learned ten years ago even if it was outdated. It disappointed me a lot.

The initial environment wasn't fulfilling, but that was just the beginning. Some experiences intrigued me, some disappointed me, and some ultimately hurt me.

Experiences that intrigued me:

• One day I was having a launch with my manager whose name was Vishal (he will come back a lot as I develop) and another guy. The other guy did a joke and said: "If Vishal is mean to you, just let me know and I'll protect you!". I responded: "It's OK! I'll handle him properly!". Vishal startled in fright, he was shocked where the other guy laugh. I didn't understand what happened at the moment, I just did a joke, but it deeply shocked him.
• As I was working in an offshore company, it happened a few times per year that some people from France would come to do some management or other kind of work. What I noticed is that local people wouldn't be in their normal state. They would start to get nervous or would want to show their worth to white people by suddenly trying to be a bit more fun or extroverted. They would also let white people do things that weren't in the company rules. For example, white people would come to work in shorts and sandals where it was prohibited. When I saw this, I thought: "Oh, it's cool I can come with sandals too". I came with sandals and the director told me that it was inappropriate and that there was a dress code in the company. In my mind, I was like: "Tf happened? White people can do this, but us, locals can't?"

Experiences that disappointed me:

• In a previous post, I mentioned that French people often joke about races and made jokes about me because they perceived me as non-white. What's incredible when we are mixed race is how much people's perceptions can change to fit their survival agenda. So... in this Indian majority environment, I was perceived as white and a few Indians did the same kind of jokes that French people did and called me white or French. As someone who lived in the same country for almost my entire life, it felt like a dagger in my heart.
• One day, I got an email from a company that looked pretty interesting. I decided to talk about it with Vishal. I talked to him and he got very agitated, he asked me my age, he told me that life is how it is, that I should not play with my future, and finally that if I quit there would be no possibility to come back. He was trying to manipulate me to stay in the company. I saw the threat of not being able to come back as a stage blue manipulation strategy as one of stage blue greatest fear is to be cut off from its community. In retrospect, I think that he was afraid that it could hit his reputation because he recruited me.
• Another day, I was having lunch and a conversation started about education. The guys that I talked with told me that we should beat children at school because otherwise, they wouldn't learn. I was blown away, and I was even more blown away when someone around my age said the same thing. In my mind, it was like: "Come on, this is the 21st century. We don't beat kids at school in the 21st century". They were unable to see that the difficulties that they were having in life were caused by these exact same childhood traumas.
• I had an experience where I was discussing a problem with someone and the person's solution was just not appropriate. The problem wasn't even complicated, just a few research would have been enough to understand the issue, but he started to get very aggressive with me. I called Vishal to fix the issue, the other guy expected Vishal to give him right as they were friends, but Vishal gave me right, which pissed him off. I think I was nitpicking on this issue because it was very small, but I also think that this guy was getting jealous of me because I was very competent.

Experiences that hurt me:

• At the end of a day, Vishal was reviewing my code and asked me to come to see something. He didn't agree with how I did something and I didn't agree with him. I was a little annoyed because it seemed obvious to me, so I said the following thing with a little of arrogance: "Well if we do this, let's continue by putting all the code in the same file." — If you know about programming, you can understand what I mean, if not what happened is that we just disagreed a bit on the structure of the project. — He asked me: "Like this?". I responded: "Yes". Then, I said that I would do some research. However it was the end of the day, there was no time to do any research, then I had the following insight: "Well, I can ask this in the team discussion group and get some quick feedback from the team.". One part of the team was located in Mauritius and the other part in France. So I just asked in the discussion group: "Hey, me and Vishal are having a conflict. There are 2 solutions. This solution: [...] and this solution: [...]". I didn't mention who was behind which solution to the problem. I tried to be as objective as possible even though I obviously wanted to win. A few seconds after, a message from Vishal appeared: "Raphael we don't discuss this here". I tried to talk to him, and wanted to say: "I think it's better if we let them think and give an answer". He shut me up and responded aggressively: "No, it's not better.". I was surprised, why such a reaction? I just wanted to get some feedback. He then told me to come with him in another room and he exploded in an outrage: "ALL OF THIS FOR THIS?! YOU SAID THAT WOULD DO SOME RESEARCH AND YOU DIDN'T DO?! THEY ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET THAT COULD HELP AND YOU KNEW THAT BUT YOU POST A MESSAGE?! YOU ARE QUESTIONING MY COMPETENCIES?!". I was watching him being full of hate and wondering tf was happening? Why such a strong reaction for me just asking for feedbacks? I wanted to say something to clarify and started: "I didn't say who...". He shut me up and responded: "YOU DIDN'T SAY WHO?! YOU MENTIONED VISHAL AND RAPHAEL AND YOU SAY YOU DIDN'T SAY WHO?!". I continued: "Yes, OK. I gave names, but I didn't who was behind which solution." (I did that because I wanted to be as objective as possible). Then, he told me: "I GOT A MESSAGE FROM SEBASTIAN ASKING IF EVERYTHING WAS OK?!". Sebastian was his manager located in France. I responded: "What's the problem? I just said that we had a conflict and wanted to get some solutions.". He responded: "CONFLICT?! CONFLICT?! WHAT ARE THEY GOING THINK?! IF WE HAVE SOME ISSUES, IT NEEDS TO BE RESOLVED AT OUR LEVEL, THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE!!!". Apparently, the fact that I used the word "conflict" scared the shit out of him. I responded: "Ok... so I cannot use the chat for technical questions, can I ask on the internet than". He said: "Yes, don't use the chat for this. You can ask on the internet instead". Then, he finished: "YOU ARE LOOKING TOO MUCH AFTER SMALL DETAILS, WE CANNOT GO FORWARD LIKE!". I think he was right for the last statement. He basically thought that I was trying to overthrow him which is the reason why he exploded in outrage, and of course, from my perspective, this reaction was way too overexaggerated for the problem. I felt deeply hurt from this experience, it felt unfair, and I felt oppressed. I felt that I had no right to say anything, no right to contradict anything, no right to make progress.
• Christmas was approaching, it was some days after the previous event. I was having lunch with other coworkers, Vishal arrived in the room and sat at the same table. I was still hurt after the previous experience, but I wanted to move on. I thought that as I mostly have to obey and don't have the right for having my own ideas when it comes to projects, I can at least get to know people a little. I don't celebrate Christmas that much, so I asked: "Do you all celebrate Christmas?". Vishal looked at me and exploded in rage: "YOU! YOU! SINCE HOW MANY YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING IN MAURITIUS?! YOU LIVE IN MAURITIUS AND YOU DON'T KNOW THAT PEOPLE CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS?!". I was speechless. Tf did I do again? I felt slice into pieces and it also felt incredibly racist, much more racist than the sarcasm that I got from French people. After this experience, I thought: "Alright... so... I cannot speak when it comes to projects, I cannot share my ideas to improve stuff, I cannot try to correct stuff because people think that I'm trying to overthrow them. And now I cannot even try to get to know people?! Tf am I supposed to do?". Shut up, obey the boss, don't do anything that the boss doesn't tell, don't try to share any new idea, don't try to improve stuff, just do the work, shut up, end of the story. And also don't even try to get to know people. Because of these kinds of experiences and the psychological pressure, I started to spiral down into depression. It felt that I had no freedom, no rights to say or do anything by myself, except obeying people like a slave. I decided to cut everyone. I would just come in the morning, work, eat, work, and go back home without communicating with anyone. I was afraid of strong aggressive emotional responses, I was afraid that anything that I said would get misinterpreted, and that I would get talked down and aggressively insulted. I also started to become toxic, I started to hate this environment and all the people that I was working with. I particularly hated Vishal, I hated this guy so much that I would show him my hate by looking at him aggressively in the eyes. But I was also depressed, super depressed, and it seemed like the more depressed I was getting, the more people would be angry after me. It happened, another guy got angry at me for not be happy, I got talked down to for not being happy. It seemed that not being happy wasn't OK and that we shouldn't show difficult emotions. In retrospect, I think it was because everyone was depressed, but people were ashamed of it, they were ashamed of showing emotions and saying that they didn't felt right. When they were seeing that someone wasn't well, it reminded them of themselves and they would masquerade their depression behind anger. Things don't stop here. Even though I had a full-time job, I was also working on a small business aside. However, I felt so much oppressed and the psychological pressure was so high, that my mental state was getting worst and worst and I internally exploded. I started to get panic attacks at night, I was shaking, I felt many times that I couldn't breathe, that I was dying. I was experiencing insane fears at midnight, or 1 AM, or after, I was completely alone in my small apartment by myself without any help. I then would go to sleep for a few hours, and then woke up again in the morning to go to work. That was the most traumatic period of my life and it was 3 years ago.
• I had other wtf experiences before quitting this company. One day I posted a question about a task, then someone told me to go see a person. I went to see the person so that I could get some help. This person looked at me and say: "This... this... look at this, this is not elegant.". I asked: "What?". He responded: "To put comments and ask questions on tasks, other people will see that.". I said: "It's fine, it's just a question.". He responded: "Is it a defy? A competition?". Tf was happening again? I cannot even ask a question when I'm blocked on a task. How can I progress in my work if people get ashamed that I ask questions?
• Here's one last experience that I'm going to share here, it happened some days after the previous one. One day the same coworker was very agitated during the daily meeting, at the end he revealed that the main team in France wasn't satisfied with the work, it was taking too much time and because of this they would maybe stop recruiting. After the meeting, he came to us and started to talk. I had this thought in my mind: "I'm a little French and I can see that sometimes they aren't able to understand themselves properly because of cultural differences, maybe this causes a lot of issues?". This was a BS thought, I convinced myself that this is what was happening where in fact I felt discriminated and had a lot of resentment against people. I started talking, and the guy shut me up: "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! This is not what is happening! Don't think that!". Then started to get angry: "What you are a little French?! This is not a question of French or Mauritian here! I have been working with French people for many years and I never had any problem! This is Sebastian! Hey...it's not that simple, no it's complex, complex. Hey, I'm not a school kid... I have some experience, I have been carefully observing people for many years and I know how people are! He is saying that we are taking too much time so that he can kick us out!". For me, it looks like that he observed a lot of people, but not that many conscious people. He basically confused stage red or toxic orange with someone that was at healthy orange/low green and made a conspiracy theory in his mind. Then, he went to his table while making some signs with his fingers signifying that I was mentally disturbed, and said multiple times: "What's this? A defy again?? A defy??"

I felt extremely oppressed in this environment. I felt like I had no right to say anything, no right to think by myself, no right to try to improve anything, no right to share ideas. I felt like people were taking my joy away, that they were taking my passion away, that they were taking my life away, and taking my greatest gift which is my ability to use my mind to creatively solve complex problems.

During the middle of 2020, I was still processing the trauma and experiencing regular backslashes. One day, I was so much in pain that I dug into a spaghetti conversation on this forum:

I'm not really proud of me, but I just couldn't help myself. I felt so much oppressed that I had to get it out in some ways.

On my last day in this company, Vishal asked me to come into his office so that we can talk a little. This was the moment where the old person who supposedly knew everything about life would tell me how life is and what I should do in life. I was listening but didn't say anything. I wanted to shout in his face (WARNING: if you are Indian, this is racist): "YOU ARE ALL PSYCHOLOGICALLY ANTIQUATED COMPARED TO EUROPEANS STANDARDS!!!". I wanted to express all my frustration and pain that I had working in this company, I wanted to insult him, to put him down, to break him into pieces, but I didn't say anything because it would have been useless and would have caused him unnecessary pain.

In retrospect, I think that Vishal probably suffered some PTSD because of the strong aggressive reactions, but I didn't even know what was PTSD at that time. I also think that the fact that these guys worked in offshore companies for more than ten years for white people and weren't paid that much created internalized anger against white people, and as a mixed-race person I got some of this anger back straight to my face.

I still have some emotional scars from this experience, but I think I will be able to sort them out. The experience was traumatic, but not traumatic to the point where I'm unable to function in life. I'm currently doing much better than before, I almost feel like a new human being. I'm fine and functional overall, but I can still feel a bit of anger, pain, and sadness sometimes. It's now just a matter of time until I recover completely.

Another Last Experience

Here's one last experience that I had a year ago.

I was walking with two dogs unleashed when I saw an Indian man coming with two kids and a dog leashed. By just looking at him, I knew that something bad would happen, he was also carrying a big tree branch in his hand.

One of my dogs barked with his dog. He didn't think twice and beat him immediately. I wanted to tell him that next time it would be better if he could stay aside (there was a big empty space) so that we don't have any issues with the dogs. He shut me up immediately and started to talk to me very aggressively. Then my second dog walked in front of him (the dog didn't do anything, didn't bark, didn't run, but was just walking peacefully) and he beat him too.

After that he came close to me, looked at me in the eyes, and told me while being full of hate: "NEXT TIME I'LL FUCK YOUR DOG AND I'LL FUCK YOU TOO.". I responded: "Alright...". It was time to move before things degenerate.

Of course, I had some responsibility too because my dogs were unleashed and he had kids with him, but I still consider his reaction over-aggressive.

Spiritual Hypocrisy

I wondered a few times in the past why is India considered the most spiritual culture in the world. What is it that makes it so spiritual? What is its foundation? I came with two points:

1. Some exceptional individuals discovered some stuff a long time ago and the entire culture got shaped by this base
2. A deep need for it

I currently think that it's a bit of both working together in a strange loopy interdependent way. However as I lack knowledge on India's history and its foundations, I'll keep that as a supposition and won't assert a point of view based on ignorance here.

I feel that there is a lot of spiritual hypocrisy. It seems to me that the religious standards are way too high for average people, so high that it backfires and create the opposite result. Many Indians show themselves as kind people, who love, care about others, and care about their families. I remember renting an apartment in the capital. One day I had new neighbors and met them, the woman told me with a kind smile that if I needed anything, they would be there for help. A few days after I was hearing her and her husband screaming at each other. I personally never felt that much love from this culture, but oppression: oppression from my dad, oppression from my family, oppression from my coworkers.

This obsessive need to care about others becomes toxic and we get over-controlling parents who control everything that their kids do even after they pass 25 or 30. It also turns into a people-pleasing culture and many people don't thrive in life and don't develop properly. It's easily possible to see that with this obsession for family values where people are obsessively concerned about their families, not because they genuinely care about their families, but because they are afraid of it. They live in fear, and they work because they are afraid of how their families see them. Kids need a minimum of freedom, room for self-expression, and need to experience life rather than obey all the time in order to develop an independent thinking ability.

Also, for a culture that claims to be so spiritual emotions are very repressed, which creates sickness. It looks like many people wear a mask because most of them are just average people who aren't able to meet high spiritual standards. It creates a lot of shame so people put the good/kind person mask, but it doesn't work because emotions need to be experienced rather than repressed. People are also afraid of moving forward because of fear of making mistakes and not being seen as good, so many of them either submit to authority and put the good person's mask or just stop caring about anything anymore and become ultra toxic. In all cases, it creates a situation where a huge chunk of the culture stays stuck in low consciousness because it cannot attain those high spiritual standards.

I don't find this spiritual at all.

It's fine to be wrong, it's fine to make mistakes, we shouldn't be shamed because of this. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine for god sake.

It's fine to not be happy all the time and experience difficult emotions. Making mistakes and being bad is part of life, and accepting making mistakes and correcting them is being spiritual, and recognizing having failed to recognize mistakes is also being spiritual... All emotions need to be express, life is about experiencing a wide range of emotions, it's not possible to be highly conscious individuals all the time. There's no need to put on the good person mask, nobody is good nor bad.

This emotional repression creates a lot of toxicity, especially in men.

Bias Formation

Here are the causes:

1. My Indian family is catastrophic
2. The work experience that I had in an Indian majority environment was very oppressive

Because the consciousness gap was so high between my French side and Indian side, I always had a preference for my white French side. This got amplified by the traumatic experience that I had working in an Indian majority environment.

I have some resentment against this culture because I expect all people to be oppressive, over-controlling, and over-aggressive.

But of course, things are more complex than that.

General Patterns And Generational Differences

Indian culture is mostly at stage blue. The things that I'm complaining about: authority, aggressive overcontrolling people are common characteristics of societies that are deeply at stage blue even if they are still cultural differences between different societies.

I noticed that I'm not the only one complaining about this, my cousins are also complaining, and other young Indians are also complaining. While studying in France my sister met an Indian girl and asked her if it was the same thing in her family, and she responded yes. If this is something that many young people are complaining about, then I don't consider pointing this out as racist, but as a real social problem that needs to be addressed.

Also, new generations are always more open-minded than older generations. Many young Indians that I met (including my cousins) were just regular people, not oppressive overcontrolling people. However, this still varies depending on the environment that someone grows in. Most of my cousins are living in Europe, so they developed at stage orange/green. I expect most young Indians who grow up in a first-world country to be around stage orange. In my country, most of them are probably around stage blue/low orange, and in India, most of them are probably deep into stage blue.

Letting Go

I can practice forgiveness here too. I need to forgive:

• My terrible Indian family
• My terrible Indian dad
• The coworkers that I worked with in this Indian majority environment, especially Vishal.
  • I actually already did that and it liberated a lot of pain and cleared my mind. I used to have a lot of recurrent parasite thoughts of this experience, this is almost not the case anymore. I'm currently much more able to focus and to work properly
  • I also already forgave Vishal. I visualized me hugging him and telling him: "It's ok, it's ok."

I also need to accept that all societies aren't at the same level of development. Indian society is mostly at stage blue, I cannot continue to entertain anger because this society isn't as evolved as I would like it to be.

Finally, I can spend more time with my cousins, try to meet healthy Indians, learn from them, and learn more from Indian culture.

[Raphael]

I'm not done yet with this exploration. I have more dots to connect.

The following posts will come:

• Exploring Racial Biases: Universal Dynamics and Individual Experiences
• Exploring Racial Biases: Environmental Influence & Spiral Development
• Exploring Racial Biases: Biases Vs. Real Social Problems

[Roy]

I think I just glanced by something, you live in Mauritius?

What's it like living on a tropical island like that I'm super interested. Is it super busy with tourists and boats all the time? Do you know everybody being on island? Do you feel bored or trapped being in a small place?

[Raphael]

Exploring Racial Biases: Universal Dynamics and Individual Experiences

When it comes to racism, the structure is always the same, but the intensity and content (the people) changes.

Examples:

• In the US: there is oppression from white people against other groups, in particular of people of color. However, changes happened since Covid as Asian-Americans are getting more threats
• In China: the Uyghurs minority is oppressed from many Chinese
• In Myanmar: Rohingya are extremely oppressed from the majority
• In South Africa: the dynamic has evolved since the past 20 years to the point where a certain number of white people are now oppressed by the black majority
• During Nazi Germany: Jews were oppressed from many Germans
• Etc.

The intensity can be slight (a few jokes) to very aggressive (internment camp).

The formation of a racial bias is dependent on the environment that someone lives in. If someone has biases towards a specific group, it's simply because his individual experience got shaped by his environment. A person either absorbs the racism from its culture or gets disappointed from some experiences which results in racists biases.

Universal dynamics create individual experiences. For someone to let go of anger related to racial issues, this person needs to acknowledge the universal dynamics behind, analyze how things work, understand that the base is groundless, and detach from it.

It always seems like this is personal, but this not the case. Racism is just a dirty universal dynamic of life.

[Raphael]

20 hours ago, Roy said:

I think I just glanced by something, you live in Mauritius?

What's it like living on a tropical island like that I'm super interested. Is it super busy with tourists and boats all the time? Do you know everybody being on island? Do you feel bored or trapped being in a small place?

My opinion is overall mixed.

It's fine overall. I live in a developed place even though it's not as developed as Europe or North America. I'm lucky to have everything that I need: healthy food, water, enough freedom of speech, a good internet connection, a stable political environment. From everything that I read about the US on this forum, I think that this is probably safer than the US and that there's also less racism than in the US.

Yeah, this is super small and it's possible to go from the North to the South in just 2 - 3 hours. This is not an issue for me because I'm introverted, so as long as I have my mind to distract me I'm fine. I don't know everybody on the island as there are more than 1.2 million people here and I don't often see the same people, but that's because I spend most of my time alone.

Tourism is dead since Covid, it was a pillar of our economy. In consequence, many people lost their job including my dad. Tourists didn't use to come that much by boats, but rather by plane. Some places were attracting a lot of tourists (especially the North), others not that much.

I know that many people dream about living on a small tropical island, however aside from the great weather and the beautiful beaches, they aren't that many advantages compared to first world countries. It's very small and they are much more opportunities in bigger countries. There are also many things that need to be improved. My main complaints are that this island is dirty and disorganized and that many people lack basic education: basic manners of life, politeness, respect, not throwing trash in the street, etc.