What the fuck this stuff is real but at the same time i can´t never totally submit

[Javfly33]

...Despite being liberating the mind always go backs to delusion, why I can´t submit to truth if its beatiful? It is because it´s so radical? Do you think some people will never submit despite having endless insights and awakenings?

Until not long ago (2 months maybe) I was still skeptick about spirituality. Why? All "altered states" of consciousness I have experienced them on drugs . So while they might have been pretty strong, I wasn´t sure it was just a game of the drugs.

But then about 2-3 months ago my mindfulness practice keep getting stronger and easier.

And I had a self-inquiry/meditation/liberation during an hour which was totally sober and it was as strong as my non-dual experience on a empathogenic drug I had 3 months before.

And then 2 weeks ago I had a semi-ego death while in sarvangasana position in Kundalini Yoga.

And yesterday I fucking got a insight while i was watching youtube. This insight was related to total submission to the present moment. It was so strong and particularly because it hit me OUT OF NOWWHERE, I thought I was going to stay "there" all the time (in the realization of that insight). Hear me out, this didn´t happen after a meditation session. As a matter of fact, it was a pretty shitty day (hangover) but during the day I felt something "lighter" was trying to get "even more lighter" while I was complaining the whole day (sorry if this doesn´t make sense).

The thing is, after a couple of minutes then of course I "got back" and hour later I was again stuck in the mind. While it happened though, I was sure I was going to retain that insight because it made perfect sense. It was kind of a liberating insight on a trip, but then you came back to harsh reality (your mind go back to the patterns of always).

I thought if this happened to you sober, it would stay with you more. But I don´t know anymore. After I have this moments coming back to the dictatorship of the mind feels like the worst crash on mdma lol. This stuff is so frustrating. But at the same time I kind of get it, realizing the truth for ever would be total paradise and the game would end. I guess the ego wants to keep playing because he thinks it can win on his terms.

Edited May 6, 2019 by Javfly33

[Inliytened1]

@Javfly33 indeed its a constant cycle of tug of war with your Ego.  Its even harder after you have a breakthru because then your Ego really doesn't wanna go there!

But don't give up this work it sounds like you are making great progress and even failure is progress.

You almost have to trick your own Ego into forgetting in order for you to have a break thru.  As you go thru the next phase after the backlash your Ego will start to get lax and forget and that's when you pounce LOL.

Edited May 6, 2019 by Inliytened1

[Robi Steel]

@Javfly33 The ego is extremely hard to terminate. It is like a virus keeping itself alive with every ground possible. It is like a snake that is still twitching. A deep and life-changing mystical experience can be like meteor wiping your soul from ego, but as you know even when an asteroid hits the earth, there are still millions of life forms that can survive in all the crooks. Its like if you start kicking an ant colony, they will take heavy damage but they are definitely not gonna die off this way. 

If you get to a certain point of clarity, the ego speaking in your skull will no longer be a problem and you wont be bothered by it. It wont have any substance for you and therefore no power over you. It will eventually die off but never by force and never by trying to make it stop. By itself, when the truth hits hard. 

Ridding yourself of activity and mastering a state of inner peace will take at least a lifetime and there will be many different phases of depths. Expect that

 

[Anton_Pierre]

@Javfly33 To totally submit you must not be afraid of death in the most literal sense. You must be brave enough to do the most suffering spiritual practises and keep going when your ego can't take it anymore. You must fully let go.

[Nahm]

@Javfly33 Sounds like you are the point self inquire would benefit greatly. Ask who am I all day, don’t accept the arising answers / thought. Go ‘behind them’, undercut them, ask who is aware of that thought.

I find what you said to be wise. The self inquiry, I believe, will become the dependable bridge you’re looking for.