New here. I need advice on my new neurotic GF.

[StillSearching]

1 hour ago, zambize said:

I think if you think this relationship is in a difficult stage, but has potential, you need to be able to seriously communicate your needs, and her needs.  You need to stand up for yourself, because you are not happy, and if she is unwilling to have a serious conversation about your needs, you need to ask why.

 

Well, I think it has potential. I do communicate my needs often with her. Yes we are both older adults and have serious conversations about my needs.

I have meaning in my life now and she seems to have a hard time finding meaning in hers. So my happiness does not fall under her behavior, but looking into the future I see issues arising from her neurosis. I was thinking this place was a good place to get ideas on how I could help her direct herself. I mean, I can be as serious as a heart attack when we are talking, but that won't help her feel any better about me leaving her. 

[StillSearching]

42 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

good. what does "working out" mean to you, in practical terms? are you able to output a more precise description of a relationship that "works out"?

A meaningful marriage. And a relationship where she's not feeling apprehensive about my commitment. 

[zambize]

2 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

Well, I think it has potential. I do communicate my needs often with her. Yes we are both older adults and have serious conversations about my needs.

I have meaning in my life now and she seems to have a hard time finding meaning in hers. So my happiness does not fall under her behavior, but looking into the future I see issues arising from her neurosis. I was thinking this place was a good place to get ideas on how I could help her direct herself. I mean, I can be as serious as a heart attack when we are talking, but that won't help her feel any better about me leaving her. 

Hmmmmmmm

Does she have any serious plans to address this herself?  If so what?

Also could you give me a more clear idea of how these conversations go where you address your needs specifically in regards to her neuroticism?

[ajasatya]

6 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

a relationship where she's not feeling apprehensive about my commitment.

so a relationship that works out for you is her responsibility. interesting.

then what would be a good relationship for her?

[StillSearching]

3 minutes ago, zambize said:

Hmmmmmmm

Does she have any serious plans to address this herself?  If so what?

Also could you give me a more clear idea of how these conversations go where you address your needs specifically in regards to her neuroticism?

As far as serious plans, it's her asserting "I won't ever bring it up again" Then she will not talk about it for a day or two. Then it's "You are going to leave me for a skinny girl." ....etc. Like in my earlier post. I can't make her go to therapy.

[Gabriel Antonio]

I don't think this will relationship will work. It's very emotionally laborious to deal with someone who is neurotic. 

[StillSearching]

2 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

so a relationship that works out for you is her responsibility. interesting.

then what would be a good relationship for her?

I can't answer that for her. But yes, I have ideas about what I want in a relationship and one of them is someone who trusts me. So yes it's her responsibility to trust me. I cannot do that for her. 

[StillSearching]

2 minutes ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

I don't think this will relationship will work. It's very emotionally laborious to deal with someone who is neurotic. 

I'm very emotionally prepared for things, and laborious doesn't scare me off. But if you have experience with a neurotic partner and feel it's not worth my time, that's what I want to hear about. 

[StillSearching]

15 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

so a relationship that works out for you is her responsibility. interesting.

then what would be a good relationship for her?

So if I read your posts correctly you say I should leave her, go it alone for 1-3 years hoping I don't die in that time to think things over, then find someone else? Is that right? I have been working on mediation, self reflection for a year and individual counseling for 2 years. Reading and studying psychology for 4 years. Nietzsche, Jung, Freud.... for myself. I guess the next step would be Ayahuasca.

[zambize]

25 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

As far as serious plans, it's her asserting "I won't ever bring it up again" Then she will not talk about it for a day or two. Then it's "You are going to leave me for a skinny girl." ....etc. Like in my earlier post. I can't make her go to therapy.

Yeah I'm sorry but I just dont see that working out, and it may be biased from my own experience, but my ex was far less neurotic and it still was an issue for me.

What are your plans moving forward?  Are you going to try and bring it up again and hope it goes different?  It doesnt seem like you have an idea of how you are going to approach it differently this time, because if you dont, I see no reason she wont do the same exact thing. Of course you're here looking for advice to help form this plan, but the only plan I have for you is to start figuring out a healthy way for the relationship to end that minimizes the amount of suffering you both face, and maximizes how fast you can move on and be happy for both of you.  What plan do you have for yourself atm?

[Nahm]

@StillSearching What if you literally completely accepted her as she is, without seeing her as having a problem she needs to fix, or a change she needs to make? What if you were your business, and you let her be her business? What would that look like?

[ajasatya]

2 hours ago, StillSearching said:

So if I read your posts correctly you say I should leave her, go it alone for 1-3 years hoping I don't die in that time to think things over, then find someone else? Is that right? I have been working on mediation, self reflection for a year and individual counseling for 2 years. Reading and studying psychology for 4 years. Nietzsche, Jung, Freud.... for myself. I guess the next step would be Ayahuasca.

find someone who's at least as interested in self development as you are. i found my wife in a workshop about vegan burgers and yoga. we started to know each other and we found out that both of us were deeply interested in self development. that's when we noticed that we should start a serious relationship. starting from a place of neediness and insecurity is not a legit motivation imo.

extra/edit: if you are in a relationship where the fear of hurt is bigger than the thirst for truth, you're in serious trouble.

Edited March 18, 2019 by ajasatya

[StillSearching]

13 hours ago, Nahm said:

@StillSearching What if you literally completely accepted her as she is, without seeing her as having a problem she needs to fix, or a change she needs to make? What if you were your business, and you let her be her business? What would that look like?

I do except her the way she is, I'm worried about the long term complications of neurosis to our relationship.

[Nahm]

2 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

I do except her the way she is, I'm worried about the long term complications of neurosis to our relationship.

Right, that’s what needs to be let go of (it’s your belief). The actuality is you and her don’t have a “relationship”. You experience “the relationship”, and she experiences her “the relationship”. It is precisely how you’re experiencing it. You are not experiencing it precisely as it is. 

So if you’re worried about complications of neurosis to “our relationship”, you are experiencing the relationship from the deluded perspective of materialism.

[StillSearching]

58 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Right, that’s what needs to be let go of (it’s your belief). The actuality is you and her don’t have a “relationship”. You experience “the relationship”, and she experiences her “the relationship”. It is precisely how you’re experiencing it. You are not experiencing it precisely as it is. 

So if you’re worried about complications of neurosis to “our relationship”, you are experiencing the relationship from the deluded perspective of materialism.

Ahhh I get that. Ok. So it's best to have 2 distinct relationships. Go with mine the way I feel is best for me and let the cards fall where they may, so to speak. The "deluded perspective of materialism." is hard to shake sometimes. In marriage don't you become one, though?

Edited March 19, 2019 by StillSearching

[Nahm]

7 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

Ahhh I get that. Ok. So it's best to have 2 distinct relationships. Go with mine the way I feel is best for me and let the cards fall where they may, so to speak. The "deluded perspective of materialism." is hard to shake sometimes. 

Yes...and, there are NOT TWO. 

Enjoy her to your fullest, by loving her unconditionally.

When that arises....it’s a condition. 

Love her unconditionally.

Parley that to your world.

I love Still Searching.  You are my adventure. How much can I love you? Without condition. 

[Nahm]

@StillSearching Ya might even realize the clarity in ......”Who had the neurosis...really?”

It was yours. The content of your neurosis, was thinking on behalf of someone else. 

Maybe. 

[StillSearching]

55 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Yes...and, there are NOT TWO. 

Enjoy her to your fullest, by loving her unconditionally.

When that arises....it’s a condition. 

Love her unconditionally.

Parley that to your world.

I love Still Searching.  You are my adventure. How much can I love you? Without condition. 

Really? That's impossible. No one loves anyone unconditionally, that's not their child.

Unless maybe they are a deity?

Let's say she has sex with my brother?  or worse.

[Nahm]

16 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

Really? That's impossible. No one loves anyone unconditionally, that's not their child.

Unless maybe they are a deity?

Let's say she has sex with my brother?  or worse.

You’ll have to see if unconditional love is possible. You might find it is all that is possible, how any thing is possible at all. I suggest it is there, always, just behind the meaning you apply to “their child”....my child, his child, her child....all children of God.

(You thought you were here about her, didn’t you?)

I challenge you to find neurosis in unconditional love. 

[StillSearching]

10 minutes ago, Nahm said:

You’ll have to see if unconditional love is possible. You might find it is all that is possible, how any thing is possible at all. I suggest it is there, always, just behind the meaning you apply to “their child”....my child, his child, her child....all children of God.

(You thought you were here about her, didn’t you?)

I challenge you to find neurosis in unconditional love. 

I challenge you to love your lover who has sex with your sibling. Or worse even.