Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

What pain would I feel if I had no mess to project it on?

It occurs to me that I'm living with the perpetual feeling of "something's not done, not finished, not cleaned up, not ready"

Sometimes I let clutter build up in my apartment for a few days and take a sick pleasure in that.

Sometimes I let it build up in my email.

Or in not trimming my beard on time.

And then on a conscious level, I dread the task of catching up, cleaning up, finishing.

But do I really?

 

At certain times during a Primal therapy treatment, the therapist would actually tell the patient to push through and get their life together... just to reveal their pain.

They would get a job, get out of a toxic relationship, move to a place they liked better.

And afterwards, feel the same feelings with no place to project it on.

So it would be much clearer that they were from the past.

 

I love to hate that things in my life are unfinished... overflowing email account, clothes need to be decluttered but I never get to it.

What would be revealed if I did all of that?

What feeling would I have left over, with nothing more to blame it on?

Do I feel unfinished?

Was I induced?

 

I should find out.

[flowboy]

I was induced.

2 weeks late, a drug was used to make me get born.

Explains a lot of my hangups around being ready for things, finishing things, and things happening without my consent.

[flowboy]

Made dinner and prepared for bed without any negative thoughts or resistance today.

No laziness.

That’s new.

My deep feeling session might have something to do with that.

I feel optimistic that I can actually get better.

[flowboy]

What it was like to live inside my head when I was heavily affected by neuroticism when socializing.

Edited January 26, 2023 by flowboy

[ElenaO]

On 1/16/2023 at 5:03 AM, flowboy said:

I was induced.

2 weeks late, a drug was used to make me get born.

Explains a lot of my hangups around being ready for things, finishing things, and things happening without my consent.

Do you really think this affects anything? A lot of women are induced. I was for once induced to give birth to my son. It's done because a lot of times it's safer and just better for both mom and the baby.

[flowboy]

13 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Do you really think this affects anything? A lot of women are induced. I was for once induced to give birth to my son. It's done because a lot of times it's safer and just better for both mom and the baby.

Yes, I really think so.

[flowboy]

@ElenaO

I appreciate you reading my journal.

Let me clarify that I'm just exploring my own origin story here.

I'm not saying "people shouldn't".

I'm not mad at my parents for inducing me.

I don't feel victimized by it.

But my psychedelic experiences and my shadow work tells me that something around birth is the source of the "I'm not ready" reflex that permeates my entire life.

In Imprints, Arthur Janov describes how different types of birth experiences determine how people do everything in life, it's the biggest influencer of personality.

I highly recommend reading it, perhaps asking about your own birth and thinking about the way you live life, making some connections. It's very interesting!

 

Edited January 30, 2023 by flowboy

[Grateful Dead]

Very inspirational journal man, also nice YT channel! And by the way, if you don't already know, check out Stanislav Grof's work, it's basically all about birth trauma. He also talks specifically about your case.

[ElenaO]

On 1/29/2023 at 11:55 PM, flowboy said:

@ElenaO

I appreciate you reading my journal.

Let me clarify that I'm just exploring my own origin story here.

I'm not saying "people shouldn't".

I'm not mad at my parents for inducing me.

I don't feel victimized by it.

But my psychedelic experiences and my shadow work tells me that something around birth is the source of the "I'm not ready" reflex that permeates my entire life.

In Imprints, Arthur Janov describes how different types of birth experiences determine how people do everything in life, it's the biggest influencer of personality.

I highly recommend reading it, perhaps asking about your own birth and thinking about the way you live life, making some connections. It's very interesting!

 

Sure, I may consider diving into it. But it's a bit radical to think that just birth would have such a huge influence on everything. It may be too fatalistic. A lot of these things may also be just a coincidence. I mean I am not ready to do this and that too, but I wasn't induced. So it's all up for interpretation too. I don't want to disregard this but looking at it from the side (I haven't read the book but I've heard how being wrapped around with the cord influences your life too) it seems ridiculous that it would basically define your life. 

[flowboy]

It seems ridiculous yes, to the one who hasn’t experienced regressing to their own birth memories and feelings.

To the ones who have, it becomes self-evident.

You can become directly conscious of the reason and source for all the quirks in your personality as well as the neurotic symptoms and psychosomatic ones.

Once you become directly conscious of it through regression, there is no more argument or doubt.

[flowboy]

[ElenaO]

On 1/31/2023 at 11:03 PM, flowboy said:

It seems ridiculous yes, to the one who hasn’t experienced regressing to their own birth memories and feelings.

To the ones who have, it becomes self-evident.

You can become directly conscious of the reason and source for all the quirks in your personality as well as the neurotic symptoms and psychosomatic ones.

Once you become directly conscious of it through regression, there is no more argument or doubt.

OK, that makes sense. I agree that I may be oblivious to such things. It's interesting to hear what your experience is. 

[flowboy]

3 hours ago, ElenaO said:

OK, that makes sense. I agree that I may be oblivious to such things. It's interesting to hear what your experience is. 

@ElenaO Parents are going to mess up.

I'm going to be a parent at some point.

I'll mess up so many things.

It's impossible to do it perfectly.

 

For example: it's not very useful to tell a pregnant woman to prevent any stress.

Yes, babies can feel stress and it influences their development.

But a mother with a certain level of neuroticism will have a certain amount of stress.

There's nothing she can do to prevent that.

Also after children are born, they reflect your neurotic patterns back to you.

The only thing I can do to be a better parent in the future, is do more regression therapy, more shadow work, more primal therapy.

That's the only thing that makes me less neurotic as a person, which means my future children will be mentally healthier too.

Parenting is so stressful (I hear) that it will bring out the worst in you, especially when sleep deprived.

Regardless of what rules for good parenting one has remembered.

I'm convinced that it's about who I am, not what I do (although one determines the other).

Hence, I'm going deep on healing my neurotic patterns.

That's things most people don't do, and I don't blame them, but it's very fascinating to me, because the potential is so great.

 

I've already reexperienced parts of the feelings around my birth (much more there), some early childhood stuff, many adolescent traumatic memories. Much more to be done, but I already notice a massive decrease in negative thoughts, an increase in energy and overall well-being, increased confidence, self-esteem, and a more solid feeling of who I am and what is meaningful to me.

 

The New Primal Scream is recommended reading, it will blow your mind. I was crying every second page, not even exaggerating.

Also I talk about this stuff on my youtube.

Edited February 3, 2023 by flowboy

[flowboy]

On 30/01/2023 at 0:00 PM, acidgoofy said:

Very inspirational journal man, also nice YT channel! And by the way, if you don't already know, check out Stanislav Grof's work, it's basically all about birth trauma. He also talks specifically about your case.

Thanks!!

@acidgoofyWhich book does he describe my case in? Would love to read that!

[flowboy]

 

[ElenaO]

I'll get the book. Thanks for the recommendation.

Parents mess up and having a child is the most challenging thing I've ever done. Hands down. The first 8 months were hellish, not a joke. Now I actually enjoy it for the most part, even though I bet a lot of mothers enjoy it even more. 

It's great to hear that you got such results from shadow work and regression therapy as well as primal therapy. I haven't heard of the regression or primal therapies but I'll look into it. Thanks for bringing it up.

[Grateful Dead]

On 3.2.2023 at 10:58 AM, flowboy said:

Which book does he describe my case in? Would love to read that!

Almost sure it was in 'The Way of the Psychonaut Vol.1'. I'll see if I can find it in the coming days.

[flowboy]

Death By Childhood - How Trauma Kills You

[flowboy]

 

[flowboy]

3 Ways to Use Journaling for Self Healing