flowboy

Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

696 posts in this topic

Committing to a video free day made me feel much better yesterday. I got work done and felt calmer.

Today I feel even more stable, so I decided to do it again.

Just got rid of cigarettes and coffee, don't need them anymore.

I'll keep drinking some green tea over the next couple of days.


I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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First stage of quitting smoking: a very, very fuzzy mind.

Second stage: intermittent moments of sadness without a reason


I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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Stuck to the no smoking. Watched youtube early in the day though. That was a mistake.

Also had one coffee. Don't give up too many things at once.

Tomorrow: video free day and entering day 3 of the smoking quit. After day 3 I expect to be fine.

I/we need some plant medicine.


I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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Why I hate cleaning:

  1. I can never do it to a level I'm satisfied with. Some stains just stay. What's the point then.
  2. It costs a lot of time
  3. It's not exactly playing to my strengths, in fact it's a waste of my time
  4. I'm not efficient at it
  5. It makes me wet and uncomfortable and feel incompetent

The first person I'm going to hire is a cleaner. Specialists are so much better at it. Stupid wasting many hours on it and doing it wrong anyway.


I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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Why I like cleaning:

  1. It teaches me to focus on the process instead of the result, because the result is never satisfying or good or lasting more than a few moments anyway
  2. It allows me to listen to podcasts while still doing something useful
  3. It teaches me humility, because it's one of the most basic jobs, yet I can't do it well
  4. It invites me to talk to this pain body that feels frustrated, disadvantaged, enraged
  5. It makes me uncomfortable. It's good to do uncomfortable work every day.

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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Smoking = Pickup = Acceptance = Love

I just saw a hot girl in the supermarket and was completely triggered.

A simultaneous impulse to:

  1. Say hi, make conversation and remember/prove that I'm cool and likeable nowadays
  2. Hide, run away, knowing I am not showing up fully, and being ashamed of that. Everyone can see that I'm not showing up fully, and I'm ashamed, but but being comfortable in that. Suddenly I project this person as judging me, being above me, seeing how small and flawed I am.

Usually when this strong trigger happens, I do either of these two things: I make conversation or I don't.

The times where I make conversation, it doesn't matter whether it leads to anything, it's an experience that proves I was accepted, and I am so excited and proud of myself for breaking through, that my friends hear about it for days.

This also happens when I have sex with a new person. It's proof that I was accepted by somebody who to me represents people from the past who didn't accept me, and I rave about it for days.

Or, option number two, I don't make conversation, and I feel shitty about myself for the rest of the day.

Which is also not normal. To see someone vaguely attractive, and then feel bad and ashamed for not approaching them for the rest of the day.

When the opportunity is very clear, for example I have nothing urgent to do, and the person seems unoccupied, this shame spiral is very pronounced.

When I see someone in passing, where there is not a clear opportunity, for example someone on a bicycle, I get a little hit of shame that affects me unconsciously.

I didn't get an opportunity to prove that I would be accepted.

Every attractive woman creates a tiny hit of shame and unacceptance.

 

It happened in an instant. I chose to not say hi, as I usually don't nowadays, and I immediately felt such a strong impulse to smoke, that I asked two random people for a cigarette.

As she's rolling it for me, I make conversation. I'm not bad at making conversation anymore, but it's still coming from an endlessly low place. I feel so low and lost talking to this person, it's like I'm standing at the bottom of a deep well, and she's at the top looking down. I fidget and hide, I don't make good eye contact. I want to escape.

Upon lighting it, I realised why I do it: it's a patch over the feeling of being accepted, which I lost.

When the chemical enters my bloodstream, for 30 minutes I now don't feel ashamed and inferior, and I have no problem saying hi to strangers and feeling comfortable talking to them..

I prove this to myself by saying hi to someone on the way home. No shame or anxiety. Just calm, happy, 'why not' type of feeling.

 

Addiction is a compensation for something you lost.

In people who have experienced a traumatic event or period, the serotonin system and/or dopamine system don't work so well.

For me, it's the base sense of acceptance that I lost.

This explains why making a short conversation with a hot girl caters to the same craving for me as smoking a cigarette, which otherwise makes no sense.

But it provides me with the neurochemicals that someone without this kind of trauma has by default.

For 30 minutes, it's all okay and I feel accepted, and I can talk to anyone without a problem.

I've been bullied quite heavily and for a long time.

I've been pushed down and beaten in primary school. One time, boys conspired to lock me in a closet for an hour, and after that I cried, and a girl in my class, the only girl I somewhat trusted, saw me crying and called out to my other classmates: "If you want to see Erik cry, come watch now!"

I was alone and could trust no one. Accepted by no one.

In high school, there was a girl I was madly in love with (crushing on hard, let's say, I was 13). I wrote her love letters and gave her roses, which were met with disgust and insults. She called me a nerd and started to be mean to me online, telling me I had no life, I had a boring life, I was a boring person yada yada.

This same girl stood by and watched while I was beaten and abused by an older guy in school, he pushed me down and I tried to kick him, which didn't work.

She stood there and laughed.

 

It's really not that strange that I found a solution in smoking cigarettes: the nicotine made it bearable how alone and unaccepted I felt every day.

It enabled me to talk to people while I smoked, because under the influence of nicotine, I didn't feel this pain temporarily.

 

Suppose I would heal this somehow. And I didn't project a mean, unreachable, superior high school girl onto every attractive woman.

And suppose I would not wonder about whether she'd accept me. Suppose I would just know that she probably would accept me.

If I would just have this knowing, that she'd probably be delighted to have my attention. Then there would be no reason to prove that she would accept me, either by talking to me or by having sex with me. Probably there wouldn't be such a massive dopamine hit associated with it.

 

Would I still crave sexual diversity?

Would I still fantasize about living in a castle full of women who accepted and adored me?

Would I still fantasize about orgies? Or anonymity?

Orgies and anonymity are basically two ways to sweep the issue of acceptance off the table.

When I think of an orgy, it becomes an acceptance orgy in my mind.

 

There's no way to predict who I would be without this trauma.

 

 

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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How you do one thing is how you do everything

I'm painting over some damaged walls. I am sure that I am wasting my time. Because I can't do it right anyway.

But I'm doing it. Because if I made the effort, I can run back to mommy and say that I tried.

My paint job is ugly. Splotchy. I'm not using tape, and I should have.

The color doesn't match the wall, but I'm pretending that it does.

As I paint, I notice myself not focusing on a single spot, but jumping all over, looking for quick wins. It's almost impossible to do one spot well, and then move on.

The plan is to throw my hands up and say "I did what the document said!' (with the color code), intentionally not read it very well but cherry-pick some details that make it look like I'm innocent and honestly misunderstood. I'm playing dumb, basically.

I'm almost certain that the landlord will bill me anyways for having to paint over the entire wall now.

And then, because I made some pointless awkward effort now, I get to throw my hands up and feel like a victim.

I'm setting myself up for an unpleasant result that I'll pretend to be surprised about, after which I get to wallow in victimhood.

 

Now what should I probably do? I think to make this look good, the entire wall has to be painted over, which is much easier and cheaper to leave to the professionals and just pay for it.

Also, the wall is damaged because I glued on some strips that hold the fly net in place.

Did I know it would damage the paint if I ever ripped it off?

I didn't think about it. I was so much in coping, so much in panic and pain because of sleepless nights, that my plan was to just apply these strips and hope for the best. And if they cause damage, then just throw my hands up: "It's impossible to do anything right! I'm suffering and if I want to do something about it, and it has consequences, then screw the entire world." It's either take the panicked action, from a place of coping and urgency, and have it go well, or throw up my hands and cry about it. No responsibility taken.

 

It always worked with my mom.

I'm so manipulative.

As long as I could look like I tried, it was good enough for my parents.

So that's how I do a lot of things now, when they're hard, or when I don't know how to do it properly. My plan is not to ace it. My plan is to exert reasonable effort and then let people know I tried, and hope they take pity on me.

Doesn't work so well with other people as an adult.

 

Having soft parents also has its drawbacks. This is one. Sloppiness and half-hearted attempts were always accepted. My dad is a DIY-everything guy, who loves imperfect quick-n-dirty solutions, so how could he disapprove. I turned it into an even worse pattern: making a show of the effort, assuming failure, and then expecting and demanding acceptance for it anyway, using my half-hearted effort as an excuse.

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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20121107-assume.png

Me in a nutshell.

At least, a side of me. It was more pronounced when I was younger.

Nobody told me that spending all my money was bad

Nobody told me how to talk to girls

Nobody told me how to keep my place clean. Or my clothes

I BLAME MY PARENTS FOR EVERYTHING

What an attitude... but hey, that's what it was. A coping strategy that arose out of pure panic and powerlessness. I am what some might call a "late bloomer", which in my case meant that my ability to socialize and understand and care about people developed very late, as did my executive functions (organizing, strategizing, self-control, etc). What do you do, when others are able to do what you aren't?

I alternated between considering myself deeply flawed and blaming my environment for not teaching me life skills.


I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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I just went through all my enemies, my bullies, my perpetrators... and forgave them one by one.

They needed someone to beat up. We all need a win sometimes. I'm happy for them.

I visualised myself carrying my younger self away from a dangerous, no-win situation. I did not need to be there at all. With people who did not care about me, and people who were looking for someone to vent their aggression on.

I gave myself the martial arts classes that I needed and never got. I gave myself the brotherly protection, kicking away all the bad guys for him.

I visualised myself as an angel, wrapping my arms around my younger self and also my perpetrators, and comforting them all like they were brothers and sisters and I was the parent.

I've been through so much shit, man. I've been publicly shamed, humiliated, beaten and mistreated more times that I can count.

And I'm in the process of becoming okay with it.

It's okay. I love them. We're all playing the same game. That was their role, this was mine. We played them well.

I even forgave my parents' perpetrators, who made them what they were, passing on some shadows to me.

I'm happy to carry my part. I love them all.

Now, I feel totally raw.

I want to curl up in a ball on the couch, wrap my hands around my knees and do nothing of importance for a long time.

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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I'm in bed with a fever, and I feel mentally insane.

The work I've done, re-telling my life story in the past week, has been ... opening up old wounds, shining light on very dysfunctional patterns / defense mechanisms.

To what point can a person be fixed?

Literally 2 parts of me are shouting at each other, wanting different things.

One feels at home, the other will never feel at home anywhere.

What did my childhood do to me?

Why do I have so much jealousy, ungratefulness, envy boiling all the time?

Why do I feel totally fake at times like this?

Why did my dad have to tell me that I have "weak genes" and am bound to be a loser?

Because that shit cut deep.


I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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I can't completely imagine how you feel at this moment, but you have my support.

I resonate with your feelings of feeling inadequate and of feeling fake. My dad also told me enormously that I was weak, dumb, and won't go anywhere in life. The pain comes and goes, come and goes, until it finally goes. Even though this moment might be difficult for you, I know you'll go through it and get better. You have my support.

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Dear flowboy, don't take it to heart. We are all broken, we are striving for wholeness but this can't be done in a day (or a year). The only important thing to do is stay in the fight.

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I am feeling the pain of my younger self.

CAN'T TRUST MOM

CAN'T TRUST DAD

They are sweet but they can't protect me.

They can not help me get what I want.

It seems they are in some sort of plot to make me into a loser.

I was born with a certain weakness and ineptitude to survive in this hostile world, and I am screaming for help, but they won't, BECAUSE THEY ARE IN ON IT.

 

NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME.

 

NOBODY.

 

God, why did you put me here, if I don't have the potential to do well?

If your plan is to make me into a tragic weak loser, God, then I'm sorry but I am going to have to sabotage your plan.

I will create my own sexual and financial success, even if NOBODY ELSE WANTS ME TO HAVE IT.

 

Can't trust God either.

Every parent figure, arcetypal or not, seems to be part of a plan to make me play the role of a meek, beta servant.

Why wasn't I born with more fight in me?

Why did I let kids push me around on the playground without doing anything?

Why didn't my dad care? Or know what to do? Why did he shrug it off, instead of teaching me self-defense?

Because he was weak.

Do I blame them for putting me in multiple schools where I was beaten and abused?

All the while telling me that it's not so bad, and to turn the other cheek?

Refusing to help me defend myself?

Or do I blame myself more?

 

Here's what the entity in me says, that was created back then:

Quote

 

This is far from over.

I want to kill every one who created me.

I am a creature of suffering.

And I will make myself known.

 

 

I got very conflicting messages in my childhood.

My parents said: you must be sweet and sensitive and harmless,

but the world says: you will be abused and oppressed for being that way.

And you will never win anything, or gain respect, and no women will want you.

I didn't even know if I wanted my parents' approval, or the worlds' approval.

I chose to shoot for worldly success, and to do that by fighting everything that I was.

Trying to change myself as much as possible: after all, if the way I was, was how my parents approved of me, but the ones telling me to just be my sweet and sensitive self, also had no clue how to defend me, or themselves, from aggressors, or to be socially or sexually successful...

then it's easy to think being myself is wrong, my parents don't know, the bullies are right. I need to change and become mean and angry.

 

Yeah, no shit I don't feel ready to be a father.

My own father didn't even think it was important to make me strong enough to physically defend and protect me.

No no, he thought it was inevitable for me to get beaten up in school, because that's what happened to him.

So he just sat back meekly and closed his eyes to it.

 

 

No wonder I don't trust authority.

No wonder I don't trust any 'mothering' or fatherly type of energy to give me advice. It's always: "yeahh yeah, you say you mean well, but you are part of the plot of making me into a weak loser. I can't trust anybody but myself"

I can't trust anybody but myself.

And what did 13 year old myself think was important?

Being popular, and sex.

Can't be a loser when you're fucking new girls all the time.

So that's the move. Hedonism was a great way to rebel against my father.

Especially when I felt him becoming jealous, for the girls I fucked.

That was sweet revenge.

He hurt me first, by being so weak and trying to make me the same.

 

So whenever I start to feel too much at home, and I'm getting nudged in a certain direction, whether it is my university, or my girlfriend giving me well-intentioned advice, I just shut off and go "Yeah yeah, fuck this, you are trying to weaken me. Sex is the only thing that matters"

I'm stuck in constant rebellion.

Anything that is main stream, or anybody that my parents would approve of, are part of the plot against me, to victimize me, weaken me, take my manhood away, or basically: to deny me getting my needs met.

No wonder I rebelled against my girlfriend so hard when she got along with my parents so well.

No wonder that the parts of my vision board that I feel the strongest motivation for, are actually the parts that are there to annoy my parents.

Getting insanely rich, to annoy my parents.

Fucking an insane amount of women, to make my dad eat his heart out.

 

Other, more benevolent goals I have, feel a bit more distant to me.

I guess because my parents would approve of them.

So I can't really trust that, can I.

Only the hedonistic goals feel completely mine.

 

 

I just remembered: my parents gave me my first self-help book.

That's how I got onto the treadmill of accumulating ever-more habits, that almost made me good enough.

What a gesture.

"Here son, here's a book with principles for life that we failed to embody, but hey, do as I say, not as I do, why don't you.

All the misery you've gone through is your fault, after all."

It was with the best of intentions, but it got me obsessed with all these principles I had to embody in order to be a successful human. It gave me an activity to project the feeling onto, that the way I am is fundamentally flawed.

Shortly after, I designed my first morning routine.

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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So much of my perceptions are through the lens of: this person is a real alpha male, with actual good genes, and this other person is not. Or I am not.

I've been trying to make life choices to prove to my Father that he was wrong.

That the weakness dies with him.

And unfortunately, he seemed to be right in some cases: I had to run away from bullies at many instances, and the times that I didn't, I got the shit kicked out of me. The most extreme example being when I fought three guys in a street fight and lost some teeth. Setting myself up for failure, because proving my dad right meant that I at least still had that connection. I was still at home somehow.

That could be the contradiction that has been taking up so much energy. I want him to be wrong, so that I can be successful, but I want him to be right, so that he is still my dad who knows it all.

If you are poor, and at the losing end of a deal, you are noble. Winning = being mean and wrong.

I'm sure he wouldn't put it that way, but that's the message I got as a child.

I was talented at some things, but always second place. Now it makes sense. Saying "I want to win / I deserve to win" anything, feels totally alien and weird.

Every life choice has been evaluated using the test: but can that get me to the top somehow?

Never mind whether I enjoy something or whether it makes me happy. The only thing that matters is whether this path can help me become top dog in some way, and spite my father.

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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@Raphael @dharma-shishyah  Thank you both, that means a lot.


I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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In other news: my friend David offered me a cigarette, and without great effort, I did not take it. Nor did I keep thinking about it all night. I was in doubt over it, sure, but it didn't seem worth it.

I guess that recent LSD trip where my girlfriend was standing over my death bed as I died of lung cancer, really did its work😮

 

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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