Thittato

My meditation journal

1,350 posts in this topic

Damn. My first text disappeared ? Ok. So 45 min meditation today, and a cold shower. I’m noticing that I’m not expecting to get anything out of the cold showers anymore - like get into a super-fresh state or anything. I just do them because I like them. Pretty nice. But it is really out of the question to not finish with a cold shower (I always do warm shower first) because I don’t want to leave the shower warm, sweat and foggy.

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20 min vinyasa flow yoga today, and then, later in the evening, a cold shower. Super-ultra-nice ^_^

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Yesterday I did 30 min ganja yoga together with a buddy, and then later in the evening we also did a 15 min guided ganja yoga lying down meditation. This is by far the best session of ganja yoga I've had so far. My buddy totally digged it as well. Today, when I came home from working evening shift, I first did a cold shower, and then I did 25 min yin yoga. I'm noticing I'm becoming extra inspired to do yoga because it seems to help a lot with my new interest in rock climbing. Actually yoga and rock climbing seems like the perfect match right now. Rock climbing gives me both the strenght and the cardio which I crave to get more of than what I get from my yoga practice. It is also very fun and creative. And yoga helps with my restitution, because rock climbing is pretty hard on the body. I'm pretty sure I will get very much into indoors rock climbing this winter. So far I'm only climbing once a week, but I see myself probably switching it up to two times per week pretty soon, and then eventually three times per week. The momentum I've been having in this sport has only continued to increase, and now, even though I started this summer, I'm already much better than my friends who started one year ago. This is probably thanks to my yoga-practice, because it gives me such a good foundation to learn the skills of rock climbing from. It would be really interesting to get the momentum going even much stronger, and I feel very enthuasiastic about the prospect of going several times per week combined with continuing to deepen my yoga-practice.

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20 min vinyasa flow yoga, and a cold shower, this morning. Starting to get those feelings of deep, intense gratitude, and purpose, again.

Edited by Thittato

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No practice yesterday, except a good session of rock climbing. 1 hour meditation this morning.

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20 min vinyasa flow yoga this morning. Gosh. Rock climbing is opening up such a new interest in how the body moves, and it is amazing how that translates into a new interest for the yoga postures. Rock climbing and yoga is the perfect match.

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No practice today, but yesterday I also had a session of 30 min ganja yoga together with a friend  in the evening. It was pretty nice, but unfortunately I smoked too much of the joint afterwards. We had planned on doing one more session of ganja yoga after that joint, but I had to go out and walk instead. It was pretty demanding and I almost got sick, but I managed to breathe really deeply and ground myself in my body, and it ended up feeling like it was walking-meditation I did, so in a way I was getting a second session of ganja yoga, just not exactly the way I expected. I was pretty shaken from this when I came home. Part of my negative history with cannabis is not only the paranoia I have frequently experienced, but also occasionally smoking too much and getting sick and vomiting. So feels like I was experiencing that aspect as well in a more conscious way.

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20 min vinyasa flow yoga today. I have this program on youtube that I really like. This is the program I've been doing the most. I think I will continue to do this program as much as possible just to really get the flow down. It is very efficient. Only 20 minutes, but it feels like a full work-out.

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No practice yesterday. Today I started the day with 20 min vinyasa flow yoga. Then I visited a friend and we did 30 min ganja yoga together. We also smoked cannabis together and had a lot of really fun and interesting conversations. This friend lives in another town 1 hour by bus away from me, so the whole thing was a nice little journey back and forth. When I came home I did 25 min of ganja yoga. Didn't smoke more cannabis, but I'm obviously still high. So today I've done 3 sessions of yoga. Pretty awesome. 75 min of yoga in total. Interestingly that even though my day has been totally saturated by yoga, 75 min of yoga is just a very common standard class when you go to a studio. So maybe I should soon start to go back to taking studio classes, because that is a much easier way of getting stronger doses of yoga in, with the group-support and being away from home and everything. Anyways, the day has been totally awesome. This is medicine.

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18th session of kayaking

Pretty awesome day. I started the day with doing a good session of shadow-boxing. Then I went kayaking for 1 hour. Then I visited my mom and had a really great conversation with her. She is also a person who seeks to optimalize her flow, so we have a lot in common. After that I went climbing for 3 hours. My climbing-buddy has catched a cold so I had to go alone, but that was no problem. I have already found a new climbing-buddy which was there, so he introduced me to alot of other people. Seems very easy and relaxed and fun to get to know new climbing-people. So anyways, on my way home, I reflected a lot on my interest in martial arts, because I've been so intensely fascinated by UFC and mixed martial arts lately, and I'm noticing in my job because I have gained weight and strength lately, that the violent psychiatric male patients that I sometimes work with (I'm working with many other different types of patients as well which are way easier to help therapeutically because they don't pose any physical threat for me), they seem to have a lot more respect for me simply because I have increased in size (and probably also my energy is much more confident). But I'm thinking, if there is one thing that would really increase my confidence in my job exponentially that would be to start training in martial arts. So anyways, I sometimes do shadow-boxing, and that felt really good today. So I will just include some more shadow-boxing every now and then to start with. But maybe all this kayaking and climbing and everything else I have been doing physically will eventually lead me into martial arts. I'm becoming a very well-rounded athlete and maybe the point of that is to bring it all into martial arts. I mean, no reason to goof around with lots of various sports if I can just go directly to the source regarding what will be extremly helpful in my job. Of course yoga is the foundation for all of this. So from that I guess I can just branch out in whichever direction I feel inclinded towards as long as I keep on working on my foundation in yoga at the same time. Anyways, for now, I'll just continue in this pattern that I'm already in, but I'll also add some shadow-boxing to the mix to begin with, and maybe at some point I'll join a martial arts club and have my focus there instead of on kayaking and rock climbing.

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On the other hand - I planned (as it unfolded) on doing 20 sessions of kayaking this season. Before the winter. I'm not going to invest in a dry-suit this winter, so the season is soon coming to an end for me because the water is gradually getting colder and colder, and you can only kayak safely for so long without having a dry-suit. So two more sessions and I'm done. And I'm already enjoying more respect in my job because my level of fitness is increasing. So maybe I don't need to take that martial art thing too far. I mean doing some shadow-boxing at home is very satisfying regarding getting more prepared for encountering violence at my work. So maybe I should just continue with what has become my plan - which is to go deeply into rock climbing this winter. Let me keep my focus on that. And continuing with having yoga as my spiritual practice but also consciously direct it towards supporting and nurturing my rock climbing. It is all about getting more into the body. And I think there is something really powerful about rock climbing when it comes to that. I mean, we are coming from the apes. Genetically there is something inherited deep inside of us longing to control ones body in such a way that one does through rock climbing. It is a really bad ass thing to do.

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19th session of kayaking

Started the day with 45 min of meditation, and then I went kayaking around two islands nearby, which took 1 hour. Wish I could be out longer, because the weather was totally perfect, but I'm working evening-shift so I had to make it a short trip. Anyways, it was really really nice. The meditation this morning was also really good. I was just melting into softness. My mind was present all the time.

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30 min ganja yoga, 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, 20 min of vinyasa flow yoga, a good and long warm shower, and then a good and long cold shower.

Holy smokes. That was awesome. Exactly what I needed.

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30 min ganja yoga yesterday as well. No practice today. I woke up with a pretty heavy cold, and I've been in bed for the whole day. Been working a lot lately, and now I'm having three days off, and then just one evening shift and then I will have three weeks off. Totally needed. After society opened up again it has been really wild at our emergency psychiatric hospital. It is as if the people with severe psychiatric problems have been bottled up during lockdown, and now they can finally unleash all their craziness. I'm very fortunate that I've managed to save up my hollidays until now, because I think the pressure on our department has never been this bad and I cannot see how I would have handled not having a longer period off now. So it seems like when I have some days off finally I have time to be sick, so then I can just surrender into it. I've been pushing myself in lots of ways lately, so having a strong cold can be a nice reboot.

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30 min ganja yoga today as well. I feel good enough again to do yoga, at least this soft and nourishing yoga that ganja yoga is. And wow. It is so relaxing for me. It is like magic. It is my tiny little superpower that I have access to this medicine. Especially nice to see how it takes care of me while I'm recovering from this cold. This cold is like a cleansing that I'm going through. I'm noticing there has been a lot of stress lately around the concept of "getting fit." Maybe I've pushed my body a little too far lately. I mean, you get high and motivated from it as well, but it can easily make you push yourself too much. Together with a high pressure at my job I think my body needed some down-time and a cleansing now. I'm thinking I'm going to become some super-athlete in all areas, but yoga in itself certainly takes you far. It is like bringing it back to the source. And learning to rest in the source. I'm always reborn after a session of yoga. Reborn as a fresh, optimistic, joyous, creative, more loving and understanding version of myself.

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30 min ganja yoga today as well. So good. I only smoked a little this time, and that was so good. Yesterday I smoked a little bit too much so it was getting a bit too intense. It is important with this to not let my greed take over. Greed for getting higher than I need to be. It easily starts to take over and then it turns into chasing getting higher and higher - instead of just relaxing into the beautiful effect that even a small dose gives to this yoga-practice. If this practice sticks with me I will probably smoke less than what I have been doing now - and it will probably only be in order to get the yoga done and then to get on with my life, instead of whole evenings dedicated to cannabis. I guess it takes some time to figure out ones dose. Todays dose was really perfect. I don't feel intoxicated right now. I just feel mellow, grounded, soft and relaxed. If this was early in the day I could have easily continued with the rest of the day without being distracted with being high.

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30 min ganja yoga today as well. This day without smoking, so "sober yoga" haha... So nice and soothing. Physical exercise is just amazing. It is so interesting to read about all kinds of exercise and all the different influencers who share their enthusiasm for various kinds. It is like I'm getting a new hero every week. Life is so great when one takes part in the inspiration that other people share. One can just soak it up from all kinds of directions. I had no idea this embodiment project would be so fun.

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It seems like, especially thanks to the ganja yoga lately, that even though I have some sort of ADHD-condition where I'm constanstly fascinated by new things and I can never seem to find my true path in life because something new and even more fascinating thing always pops up at the same time as I'm having a deep longing for finding something to go really deep with and I'm constantly frustrated by this paradox and tension in my life - it seems like I have much more space for how my mind operates. I don't beat my self up so much anymore because of this. But I'm still longing for finding my true purpose. But I think before that can happen I first have to fully accept the situation for what it is. I need to be at peace with what I am right now before my path can become more clear.

The biggest pain in all of this has perhaps been those long and intense periods when I'm thinking that my purpose in life is to become a visual artist. Like that is something I can become seriously obsessed about. Recently I've opened up my creative process in this field as well. So now I'm working on several drawings again. I had to close it down for a long time after my last obsessive burst in this area. And now I find I can even work with my own drawings without becoming obsessed by them the same way I used to. It is like just opening up for the process and allowing it to be there without having to force it in any specific direction.

My mind is in this chronic state of searching for my direction in life. Like trying to figure it out. Find the "recipe." And it is difficult to step out of that when it has been my chronic state for as long as I can remember. But more and more, when I catch myself in this tendency, I find that I can allow myself to just relax. Like give myself a break from constantly trying to figure it out.

It quickly starts up again. But there is more space around just letting the mind do its thing. It is not so serious. I'm like a bee, flying around, smelling at all the various flowers that life has to offer. It is a dance.

What is important, I think, is just to make to most out of each day. To bring myself out of negativity and frustrations and into fun and meaning.

I still hope, and pray, that I really find my deeper purpose in life. But I think I'm still in the healing-process. And the healing-process for me these days is to bring myself back into fun, meaning, peace, empowerment, and joy, as much as I can - while at the same time just trying to accept life as it is right now and make the most out of it with what I have available, instead of longing for something completely different.

Physical exercise seems extremly important regarding all of this. Especially regarding embodiment. I've been meditating and been on the spiritual search for 20 years now, and I've experienced all sorts of openings and altered states of consciousness, and I used to chase those things very hard, but now it just seems to boil down to: How well can I inhabit and enjoy being in this human form that I am in?

Of course I've carried a lot of traumas that I needed deep psychotherapy to deal with. No doubt about it. But sometimes I wonder - when I was so frustrated and lonely and desperate before - if I had had a solid physical exercise routine with lots of opportunities for variation, could I for instance just went for a jog, or a session in my kayak, when I was feeling all those difficult emotions? And then just done that over and over again until I had programmed myself into a much more positive focus in life? There was so much frustrated energy that I couldn't find a way to channel into something positive, so instead I was just running around in desperation grasping at whatever I could find.

Probably there was too little stability before. I was also bi-polar before, and those mood-swings were intense to deal with. Sitting up all night working with my art squeezing out all the energy feeling like I'm a god, and then waking up again the next day feeling really disgusted and ashamed of myself - and seeing this pattern repeat itself over and over in all areas of my life. It was very difficult to deal with. And the cycle was so addictive.

Probably I needed therapy.

And now I can finally enjoy having much more stability in my life and being able to explore life in all kinds of ways without becoming so carried away as I used to. Even though I switch around a lot I think there is still some stability and logic and a targeted development in all of it. It is a targeted creative development. And for now, until my purpose become more clear, I can use it to develop as a social worker. Being a social worker in a psychiatric emergency department is perfect for the sort of "ninja training" I'm creating for myself here. First of all I have to be a really compassionate and warm and accepting and forgiving human being who can hold space for people in a very difficult situation in life. And no doubt about it - those values are very dear to me. But they also don't carry much weight if I'm also not able to establish and protect all the boundaries that we are supposed to have in our institution. The love you feel from someone who you also have deep respect for carries much more weight. So my job is to constantly hone the balance between being a loving therapist while at the same time working as a security guard.

This paradox was not easy to settle before as I was a slave to my own black and white / all or nothing kind of thinking - but now as things are continuing to become more integrated I find it easier and easier to access both these aspects of my role at the same time.

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Steel Mace Vinyasa

30 min ganja yoga today as well. This time with a small dose of cannabis again. I think smaller doses are much better. Much like I came to conclude with psychedelics that I prefer microdosing compared to larger doses. It is way easier to stay grounded on smaller doses, and at the same time one gets the psychedelic/cannabis flavor but in a way that is easier to relate with ones daily mind-state. And it takes shorter time to recover. It is much less of an impact. Actually you could say you get all the positives without any of the negatives.

Anyways, I discovered something totally awesome today. I've been longing to get back into kettlebells again, but I took a break from it because I was going about it with too heavy weights without knowing the technique well enough so I had some prolonged pain in my lower-back. It finally disappeared, but I had to focus exclusively on yoga in order to heal this as quickly as possible. So anyways, this morning I started investigating into something related to kettlebells which is the steel mace. It is like a smaller branch overlapping with the kettlebell community. I don't have a steel mace, but I have a big and long axe, so I tried some of the exercises with this axe, and I totally loved them, and one thing lead to another and before you knew it I had already discovered that someone had of course been combining yoga with this tool / ancient weapon. This is like an ancient weapon and power symbol from India that has been used to develop warriors. And it seems perfect to combine this tool with yoga. Here are some pictures of it. The last two are fram a yoga-studio called Flow Shala where they have these Steel Mace Vinyasa classes.

Anyways, I'm totally going to explore this some more. Maybe my practice will go on to be a combination of ganja yoga and steel mace vinyasa, and then I can alternate back and forth between the two, and maybe sometimes combine them. So fun that there are so many interesting things going on in the yoga-world these days. Just more and more cool stuff.

 

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Edited by Thittato

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